I am OM and she just broke up with me. Should I inform the husband?

[Confused4Now]

My advice to you is to just not do it....leave and don't look back. Man up and show some respect for yourself. You sound like Stampdaddy or me....You sound like a clingy lost soul in the fog...arrrrrgh God I remember being where you are at.

 

Trust me it will not go well if you disclose this to her H. I myself even knocked on my MW door...trust me it was wrong. Just walk away.....it's not worth the drama.

[tami-chan]

My advice to you is to just not do it....leave and don't look back. Man up and show some respect for yourself. You sound like Stampdaddy or me....You sound like a clingy lost soul in the fog...arrrrrgh God I remember being where you are at.

 

Trust me it will not go well if you disclose this to her H. I myself even knocked on my MW door...trust me it was wrong. Just walk away.....it's not worth the drama.

 

Confused2now....thanks for the above....this advice really sounded so heartfelt and sincere..heed this, OP!

[SidLyon]

You want revenge on her so you want to tell her H. As others have pointed out your motives are not honourable and it almost certainly won't be a good thing for you.

 

On the other hand her H does deserve to know for all the reasons others have pointed out. As a BS I would have wanted to know no matter who it was that told me. I found out anyway but only after many years of infidelity.

 

It's an age old dilemma and there is no win-win answer in my opinion, only lose-lose options and consequences.

 

So if you want revenge on her and don't mind whether or not you "lose" her then tell him. It all depends on the relative balance of:

 

- your desire for revenge;

- your feeling that telling him might prompt a marriage break-up and will either add to your revenge or drive her back to you;

- your desire to hurt him further;

- your belief that he needs/deserves to know so he can make informed choices about his life.

 

Each person is different but as a BS the last would override everything else. I told the OW's family about her A with my H - partly because I felt they needed to know but mainly so she would experience first hand at least some of the pain she helped cause by becoming a 3rd party in our marriage.

 

Sid

[Enema]

Yep, you should. The husband has a right to know what he's married to.

 

Of course, you should have told straight away, not as a pathetic jilted lover.

[tami-chan]

Confused2now....thanks for the above....this advice really sounded so heartfelt and sincere..heed this, OP!

 

 

oops, I meant confused4now,,, sorry!

[Chrome Barracuda]

Hi,

 

I am new here and I am just getting familiar with the terminology...

 

I have a typical story: I am a single man, 45, involved and in love with a married woman, 39, in a relationship lasting for almost 3 years. It has been up and down. She stopped it several times, then we started again. She told me many times that she wouldn't leave the husband and the two kids. I blame myself for not leaving earlier.

This summer we got a chance to go together to Paris. She asked me to go meet her in Paris. We spent 3 nights, as lovers and turists and it has heaven. After, everything was so natural. She was telling me how close she is to end the marriage. Then the husband went away for 8 days to bring the kids from overseas, where they spent the summer. We had 8 days of paradise. She showed me so much love and tendernes and made it clear that we are she will start the separation from husband... But at the end of the 8 days, even though she told me many times that she will make the step, she decided to go back to her family, stop the relationship with me and behave at home like nothing happened. And I am heartbroken, I feel cheated and betrayed by the person I love. I want to tell her husband about our story, so that he knows what snake he has in the house...

I need some advice and your comments. Thank you...

 

Well if you want to tell to just blow up her spot do so. but remember some men when they hear that, might want to kill her and you as well. I aint lying.

 

Secondly you only spent 8 days with this woman you really think she was gonna sacrifise everything, her whole family for you???

 

WTF gave you that idea? lol. Seriously, you got played homie.

 

WTF what part of MARRIED did you not understand. No one put a gun to your head and forced you to be the OM, that was a role you chose willingly. You chose to believe her lies, you knew deep down she would never leave her family for you. Some women and men like having double lives. like compartmentilizing. It's easy for them to have it all in this day and age.

 

Again, also how could she break up with you! she's MARRIED to someone else. She stopped F-ing with you because she doesnt want to throw it all away.

 

Just step back and let it go, what compelled you to involve yourself with a married woman anyways? You knew she was still with her husband so that makes the affair even worse, it's not like she was seperated. She was screwing him while screwing you on the side. and now it's over and you want to cry about it???

 

Mayn there are plenty of gorgeous single women out here on this planet earth and your wasting your time on some trifling chick? Dude what are you smoking.

 

I think you should tell the husband because you feel remorse and have guilt and have a conscious. but not outta revenge. Tell him because you cant live with what you did and you want absolution for your sins.

[Aquarius Rising]

I want to tell her husband about our story, so that he knows what snake he has in the house...

I need some advice and your comments. Thank you...

 

Firstly, can I just say welcome ... you will gets lots of support here ... secondly ... I know you're pain .... it is all too raw for me. After almost two years of VERY limited contact with my xMM, I am now separated and we recently had a month together, his W was overseas with their children and it was HEAVEN ... I know what you're talking about ... when you have waited so long ... and then if finally happens and it's more than you ever thought it would be ..... until they decide 'NO', it has to end now.

 

I want to send my xMM's wife a letter, I am the fourth casualty of his deceitful ways ... I am hurting ... hurting ... hurting. But, I have no right to blow up his entire family because of his selfish ways and I believe that carrying around the guilt of what he continually does to her and the way he has chosen to treat me ... is punishment enough. She has to live with herself too, remember that.

 

You are single, you did not cheat or deceive anyone, you fell in love and you wanted it to be special and real and always. That's not what you get with a married person .... it's just not available in those relationships.

 

Find a buddy here or someone that you can VENT, VENT, VENT all your anger, resentment, bitterness and rage ... but don't contact her H because that will have consequences for you too. Be a better person, and don't believe for a minute that she is truly happy .... she isn't!. Hang in there....

 

AR

[bentnotbroken]

You have nothing to gain from telling her H. You will only cause him additional pain and add to whatever guilt you already feel. If he already suspects, then it may only be a matter of time until the truth comes out. He does deserve to know but it is not your place to tell him. You will only be continuing your involvement in their relationship. And, no matter how much you may care or have cared for her, that is not where you really want or need to be.

 

 

What guilt. You mean hatred and anger don't you?

[BrightAngel]

Please don't tell. As hard as it is for you, maybe she's trying to do the right thing and fix her family. The only thing that telling him will do is cause him pain - and after all, he is the innocent one in all this.

 

Believe me, I know how you feel, and I ALSO know how it is to be on the other side of it too. I've been in a very similar situation to yours where my MM decided to go back, and I've also been the very faithful wife in a marriage where my (ex) husband cheated on me over and over.

 

You need to be the better person here. Be the strong one, get yourself over this in a healthly non-revengeful way (which you will even though it hurts so much right now), and then find someone who is single so that you can be number ONE in the relationship like we all deserve to be!!

[lkjh]

Yes you do tell. Cheaters always try to think of reasons not to tell. Just to name a few

1. "why break up the family"

2. It's not the OM/OW place

3. And the worst possible one......"your motivation is revenge"

 

1. The honesty isn't what hurts a family, the act of cheating is responsible for this. If you choose to keep this a secret you are putting her family in a horrible spot. If she cheats again, her H can be at risk for std's and the worst part is the fact that while her H is working towards their future she could be planing on leaving him.

 

2. This excuse holds absolutely no water. The OM/OW had no place in this marraige initially but now they are apart of it. If you know someone is getting screwed over you should try to help them, you don't sit back and decide if it is your place.

 

3. This excuse just makes me laugh. No matter what the motivations are the outcome is whats important. If you do the right thing for the wrong reason you still did the right thing. If you do the wrong things for the right reasons you still did the wrong thing. Doing the right thing is never easy but it has to be done.

[lkjh]

Please don't tell. As as it is for you, maybe she's trying thard o do the right thing and fix her family. The only thing that telling him will do is cause him pain - and after all, he is the innocent one in all this.

 

Believe me, I know how you feel, and I ALSO know how it is to be on the other side of it too. I've been in a very similar situation to yours where my MM decided to go back, and I've also been the very faithful wife in a marriage where my (ex) husband cheated on me over and over.

 

You need to be the better person here. Be the strong one, get yourself over this in a healthly non-revengeful way (which you will even though it hurts so much right now), and then find someone who is single so that you can be number ONE in the relationship like we all deserve to be!!

 

for all you know maybe she is about to start a affair with a HIV positive man, or maybe she will just go back to this old affair, or maybe she will start a affair with another man and leave her H.

 

Is your definition of being a better person cheating with someone else's spouse for years and not telling them? I know this comes off as aggresive but sometimes people use buzz phrases like "be the better person" to mislead people. Every 5 year old knows cheating is wrong and honesty is right but adults are to afraid to do the right thing. Not telling is simply lying and there is nothing good about that. The only motivation for not telling is because people are afraid of the outcome

[boldjack]

OP, As a man, who has been in your shoes, more than a few times, you must reclaim your own integrity, in order to move forward to new honest relationships. You do this by being honest about your sordid past, and by making amends as much as you possibly can, to THE PERSON YOU HAVE OFFENDED, her husband. You do this by telling him the truth. The vast majority of BS'S would want to know, (I know that some posters will claim, otherwise) but ask the BS'S, and you can hear for yourself.

[SidLyon]

Is this one of those issues where what you recommend (ie either telling or not telling the BS) is at least partly determined by your own perspective as either a single AP, BS, OW/OM or WS?

 

I know I'm a BS and I recommend telling. Some that I can recall are OW are recommending not telling. Are there any BSs that advise not telling and any OW that advise telling?

 

I must admit this is one question where I though the answer would come from one's own moral perspective rather than what side of the infidelity fence one comes from. Now I'm not sure - I'm genuinely curious and not trying to start a BS-OW war.

 

S

[Sanafa]

Is this one of those issues where what you recommend (ie either telling or not telling the BS) is at least partly determined by your own perspective as either a single AP, BS, OW/OM or WS?

 

I know I'm a BS and I recommend telling. Some that I can recall are OW are recommending not telling. Are there any BSs that advise not telling and any OW that advise telling?

 

I must admit this is one question where I though the answer would come from one's own moral perspective rather than what side of the infidelity fence one comes from. Now I'm not sure - I'm genuinely curious and not trying to start a BS-OW war.

 

S

 

Well... I can answer two ways. I would have never thought about telling while in it.. ever, that is the truth and then I was presented with a DDay that not only was explosive but set up so that it looked as if I was the one.... and it crushed me. Even the fleeting thought that he would think I would do it, so difficult and even though it was fleeting for him and I completly understood why... it was hell.

 

Now, 2 months later and I just recently questioned if I should talk to his W and give her the unedited version...... I just can't at least not now. It may change as I do question morally what the right thing is too do... but I am stuck on - if the BS stayed regardless any additional info would only hurt her and not change the decision.

 

I think he mentioned the H already had an idea..... will it change if he stays or goes... jury's out but as we know seldom does a BS leave and more often we sell ourselves whatever we need to in order to stay ( could say that as well about many OW... myself included)

[stillafool]

I imagine the MW got home and looked into the faces of her two little children - and couldn't destroy their lives. Thus, she decided to stay.

 

As a MW I would want to know if my H cheated. If you do decide to tell please be prepared for whatever may come. She surely will not want to ever see your face again if you do decide to destroy her family.

[SidLyon]

Well... I can answer two ways. I would have never thought about telling while in it.. ever, that is the truth and then I was presented with a DDay that not only was explosive but set up so that it looked as if I was the one.... and it crushed me. Even the fleeting thought that he would think I would do it, so difficult and even though it was fleeting for him and I completly understood why... it was hell.

 

Now, 2 months later and I just recently questioned if I should talk to his W and give her the unedited version...... I just can't at least not now. It may change as I do question morally what the right thing is too do... but I am stuck on - if the BS stayed regardless any additional info would only hurt her and not change the decision.

 

I think he mentioned the H already had an idea..... will it change if he stays or goes... jury's out but as we know seldom does a BS leave and more often we sell ourselves whatever we need to in order to stay ( could say that as well about many OW... myself included)

 

It seems that for some OW/OM whether or not to tell might depend on whether it will alter the decision of the BS to stay or leave the WS. If this is because the OW/OM is thinking about whether they will be able to be with the MP, then it makes the decision to tell a very personal one in that it is the effect on the OW/OM personally that is taken into account.

 

However just bear in mind that the BS being told the full story may have other effects within the marriage that may not be at all apparent to the OW/OM. In other words the decision to stay or leave is not the only decision made within the marriage.

 

I was not told by the OW, but once I found out a few things, my H came clean with a lot of stuff dating back many years - some of it I wouldn't even have had an inkling about. I asked him about this yesterday. He said that d-day was an enormous and horrible shock to him, even though unlike me he had many years to prepare for this eventuality, but that what surprised him the most was that he made a snap decision to come clean about everything. He says this was tremendously liberating to him and that he had expected that he would only reveal whatever it was I had proof about rather than everything. This included a secret identity (extending to bank accounts and other addresses) which may have taken me much longer to find out. Naturally I hope he's being honest about all this now - this is something that does bother me.

 

S

[michaeL_yyy]

Secondly you only spent 8 days with this woman you really think she was gonna sacrifise everything, her whole family for you???

 

I was with her for 3 years. We spent 8 days recently, almost living together, before she decided to go back.

[Aquarius Rising]

I was with her for 3 years. We spent 8 living together, before she decided to go back.

 

What you have to remind yourself of is this .... the time she spent with you made her realise the consequences of leaving her H and that has freaked her out ... I'm not saying that she will change her mind about that ... but it has had a profound impact on her and you can't know what's going through her mind right now. It's never as black and white as it seems. This is not about any inadequecy about you ... remember that. This is heavy, complex stuff that has no simple answers. Just take care of yourself ... step back ... and breathe a little. Remember who you were before you met MW ... go do something you have always loved to do ... remind yourself of who you still are .... even without her.

[michaeL_yyy]

What you have to remind yourself of is this .... the time she spent with you made her realise the consequences of leaving her H and that has freaked her out ... I'm not saying that she will change her mind about that ... but it has had a profound impact on her and you can't know what's going through her mind right now. It's never as black and white as it seems. This is not about any inadequecy about you ... remember that. This is heavy, complex stuff that has no simple answers. Just take care of yourself ... step back ... and breathe a little. Remember who you were before you met MW ... go do something you have always loved to do ... remind yourself of who you still are .... even without her.

She was back and forth before. But this time hurts badly because we were at a point where going back looked impossible to me. But it was possible.

And I also know that she is going through hell too...

[Aquarius Rising]

She was back and forth before. But this time hurts badly because we were at a point where going back looked impossible to me. But it was possible.

And I also know that she is going through hell too...

 

Michael, you sound like me ... not the bitter twisted type at all but someone who has compassion and can understand the bigger picture. Like so many here on LS have advised me for SOOOOO long now.. the only way to find out if she wants her future to be with you is to step back, regain control of your life and look after yourself... so many here have said that they pursued and pursued until there was nothing left and they wish that had just walked away with dignity. This is your chance. If she can't live without you she will make that choice. She is ambivalent and doesn't know what she wants so she is running to what feels familiar, pushing it won't make her come back, nor will telling her H because you are hurting so much. I know how hard this is ... co's I'm pretty much in your shoes. It's very hard ... and so painful ... but what helps me is to remind me that this is not about me as a person .. I was clear .. I knew what I wanted. My xMM was never sure, never clear and still isn't ... that's his stuff, not mine.

[michaeL_yyy]

Michael, you sound like me ... not the bitter twisted type at all but someone who has compassion and can understand the bigger picture. Like so many here on LS have advised me for SOOOOO long now.. the only way to find out if she wants her future to be with you is to step back, regain control of your life and look after yourself... so many here have said that they pursued and pursued until there was nothing left and they wish that had just walked away with dignity. This is your chance. If she can't live without you she will make that choice. She is ambivalent and doesn't know what she wants so she is running to what feels familiar, pushing it won't make her come back, nor will telling her H because you are hurting so much. I know how hard this is ... co's I'm pretty much in your shoes. It's very hard ... and so painful ... but what helps me is to remind me that this is not about me as a person .. I was clear .. I knew what I wanted. My xMM was never sure, never clear and still isn't ... that's his stuff, not mine.

 

Hey AR, thank you for your kind words.

 

And thank you all, including the ones that have no business here, in this support group, like Bent...

 

I've made my decision: I will step back and walk away. I still love her and I will love her for long time. I will not tell her husband. Of course, I want him to know, but it will not be from me. I also understand the other point of view. He has the right to know. I was in those shoes in my life too and I wanted to know. It would have helped me to save few years of pain. If any of you want to tell him, you are more than welcome to do it .

 

And one more question: is there a way I can communicate with individuals in this group? Some sort of chat or email? I appreciated very much your comments and I would like to talk more to some of you.

 

Thank you again and I will keep you updated.

[Aquarius Rising]

Hey AR, thank you for your kind words.

 

And one more question: is there a way I can communicate with individuals in this group? Some sort of chat or email? I appreciated very much your comments and I would like to talk more to some of you.

 

Thank you again and I will keep you updated.

 

You're welcome, I do know how hard this is ... it has tested me beyond my imagination ....

 

You can private message (pm) anyone here on LS. Just click on their username and follow the prompts. I have found it to be a really helpful option when you need it ....

[LolitaVida]

Hi,

 

I am new here and I am just getting familiar with the terminology...

 

I have a typical story: I am a single man, 45, involved and in love with a married woman, 39, in a relationship lasting for almost 3 years. It has been up and down. She stopped it several times, then we started again. She told me many times that she wouldn't leave the husband and the two kids. I blame myself for not leaving earlier.

This summer we got a chance to go together to Paris. She asked me to go meet her in Paris. We spent 3 nights, as lovers and turists and it has heaven. After, everything was so natural. She was telling me how close she is to end the marriage. Then the husband went away for 8 days to bring the kids from overseas, where they spent the summer. We had 8 days of paradise. She showed me so much love and tendernes and made it clear that we are she will start the separation from husband... But at the end of the 8 days, even though she told me many times that she will make the step, she decided to go back to her family, stop the relationship with me and behave at home like nothing happened. And I am heartbroken, I feel cheated and betrayed by the person I love. I want to tell her husband about our story, so that he knows what snake he has in the house...

I need some advice and your comments. Thank you...

Tell! I'd want to know in his shoes. She has no right to do this to him.

[Chrome Barracuda]

3 yrs of cheating, and she was married the entire time??? WTf did you ever consider that maybe if you got with her you couldn't trust her anyways?

 

I mean if she's doing this with you for 3yrs behind his back, who knows what she might do to you, when you get complacent enough.

 

There's a poster on this board who just recently cheated on her husband, and get this they once cheated on their spouses to be with each other. oh and before that he cheated on her as well. see what im saying. How could you trust a cheater when they are fundamentally hypocritical at betraying others?

 

Like i said tell outta truth, not revenge.

[Solear]

My situation is this, I am the other man, I trusted and confided in her everything. I honestly thought we were meant to be together and that as she no longer had a relationship with her husband we should go for it.

However I've since learned that she told me what she would call white lies to spare my feelings with regards to her husband so now I don't trust anything she told me for the last year and a half. I still cry uncontrollably and still love her whether that be blind love because i'm still in denial.

The fact is this, she's told me she cant leave him and her step kids and I respect that, but if i was to find out that she in fact is seeing someone else besides me and her husband I will obtain photographic evidence and send it anonymously to her husband. I always told her not to run away with me and to leave her husband in an honest way. but she wouldn't it was either run away or nothing. I feel as betrayed as her husband, I always spared a thought for him as i am empathetic to all and sunder. If she's making a go of it with him I will step back and count my losses, if she's cheating again..she's getting blown out the water !!!