I am OM and she just broke up with me. Should I inform the husband?

[michaeL_yyy]

problem is, what you are looking for isn't to help you, unless the motive is revenge.

 

if you want help, then its best to listen to the advice that says, let it go, and move on, and vow now to try to screw a married woman again.

 

I say tell because the H deserves to know, but if you are interested in getting "help", then your question on whether to tell the husband isn't a matter of helping you...its a matter of someone feeling slighted and wanting pay back.

 

 

 

 

and what you did by sleeping with a married woman...you don't think that is offensive to someone, whether in here or in real life.

 

 

 

 

ya, but you only care NOW that you did a bad thing since she decided to end the affair.

 

 

 

 

with regards to the bolded part....you don't think those very words apply to a man scorned that wants to rat on his x-lover to her husband?

 

If you read the replies, you will see that I have already decided NOT to inform the husband. The help I need is about understanding how I feel and how she feels and what to do next.

[Meaplus3]

. The help I need is about understanding how I feel and how she feels and what to do next.

 

Well I think the first step is for you to go NC with this MW and let her sort out her marriage. If you are in contact with her while she is still married IMO, it will only confuse mattesr more. So NC and let her figure out what shes needs to do.

 

Mea:)

[foreal]

If you read the replies, you will see that I have already decided NOT to inform the husband. The help I need is about understanding how I feel and how she feels and what to do next.

 

The help I need is about understanding how I feel and how she feels:

 

You are in withdrawl. You are heartbroken b/c you are In Love with her.

 

She is in withdrawl, too. She is really sad b/c she is In Wuv with you, not In Love.

what to do next:

 

Go total No Contact. You want revenge? That'll do it.

[whichwayisup]

I agree with foreal. Do NC and use that time to heal, to grieve, to make your own closure.

What you need to understand is, she's married and chose him over you. Her history with him, their life together, their friends, family, neighbours, the kids, family - is more important to her as whole than giving it up for the unknown.

 

She stupidly put herself IN a situation (the affair) where she would eventually have to choose.

 

What you do next? Leave her alone and accept that it's over, focus on your own healing and understanding as to why you allowed yourself to fall for someone who is unavailable to you. And Grogster is right, stay away from other MW's in the future, even if they say they're unhappy or separated. Don't go down that path ever again.

[Dexter Morgan]

You absolutists--all so obsessed with your Morality that you're willing to destroy a family just to satisfy your pathetic urge to punish the MW.

 

uh, it isn't the telling that destroys family, its the act of cheating. The MW/MM that did the deed needs to worry about what THEY DID to the family.

[Dexter Morgan]

If you read the replies, you will see that I have already decided NOT to inform the husband.

 

well thats good....but irrelevant. You were thinking about it just the same. And the question was, WHY all of a sudden would you want to tell him? What would be the motive?

 

 

The help I need is about understanding how I feel and how she feels and what to do next.

 

you really have to wonder what to do next?? you say that as if you want to try to get her in bed again.

 

and what difference does it make how she feels? Whether you would have told the H or not, what to do next is obvious....get the fek out of dodge and steer clear of married women.

[foreal]

Her history with him, friends, family, neighbors can also be a prison she can't see her way out of (not including the children in this scenerio, they are innocent and not adults). I don't agree with the idea that a person should stay married to someone they no longer love because of what the neighbors, friends, the boss, parents, brothers or sisters or anyone else would think. Just my opinion, of course.

 

Savannahruby

 

MW is staying with her H and ended the A. If it is b/c she feels imprisoned by her history etc it still has the same outcome for MYYY: she chose to stay with her H, and it's breaking MYYY's heart.

[whichwayisup]

You say LOVELESS marriage. Does that mean NO LOVE AT ALL? Or just not enough passion, intensity that an affair brings along? Guess that doesn't include everything else I mentioned.

 

History goes a LONG way..And sometimes that "love" comes back, as it was buried for various reasons. usually after d-day the MM/MW wakes up and realizes what they were about to throw away and ALL those things which you don't think matter, DO at the end of the day. Just my 2 cents..

[michaeL_yyy]

well thats good....but irrelevant. You were thinking about it just the same. And the question was, WHY all of a sudden would you want to tell him? What would be the motive?

 

 

 

 

you really have to wonder what to do next?? you say that as if you want to try to get her in bed again.

 

and what difference does it make how she feels? Whether you would have told the H or not, what to do next is obvious....get the fek out of dodge and steer clear of married women.

Thinking and doing is not the same. Anger is normal, part of the process. I get that now.

Is that what you understand? That I want to get her again? Then you are not reading the posts here...

I do agree with "get out and don't get involved with married women".

[Jilly Bean]

If you read the replies, you will see that I have already decided NOT to inform the husband. The help I need is about understanding how I feel and how she feels and what to do next.

 

I think you go NC with her, move on with your life, and if she comes back to you and leaves him, great, if not, then you're already further ahead in your recovery and new life without her.

 

Sucks. Three years is a long time.

[lkjh]

It takes more strength of character for michaeL_yyy to refuse the urge to retaliate than it does for him to retaliate.

 

You absolutists--all so obsessed with your Morality that you're willing to destroy a family just to satisfy your pathetic urge to punish the MW.

 

 

This has to be a joke. The only reason not to tell is because he is afraid. It takes absolutely no strength to sleep with someone elses spouse, involve yourself in their family, and the run from any form of honesty in front of you.

 

I love how you call me a absolutist, like I am some kind of radical that trys to claim I have no flaws. I do have flaws but I also have common sense and I don't try to delude myself into believing that lying is a form of strength.

 

lying is just the cowards way out. People with your mentality are weak, it's really plain and simply.

 

If you have to justify your actions then there is a problem.

[lkjh]

Her history with him, friends, family, neighbors can also be a prison she can't see her way out of (not including the children in this scenerio, they are innocent and not adults). I don't agree with the idea that a person should stay married to someone they no longer love because of what the neighbors, friends, the boss, parents, brothers or sisters or anyone else would think. Just my opinion, of course.

 

Savannahruby

 

Thats because in your mind life is like a made for lifetime movie but in real life people have responsibilities to other people. Including their spouses, children, and family. Those same people that according to your definition could be imprisoning her

[michaeL_yyy]

The only reason not to tell is because he is afraid. It takes absolutely no strength to sleep with someone elses spouse, involve yourself in their family, and the run from any form of honesty in front of you.

I am not afraid. But I don't want to destroy her family. This is what she chose. Enough damage has been done.

And yes, I am thinking as well that the husband should know. It is a rollercoaster...

[lkjh]

I am not afraid. But I don't want to destroy her family. This is what she chose. Enough damage has been done.

And yes, I am thinking as well that the husband should know. It is a rollercoaster...

 

You can't use the "I don't want to destroy a family" excuse, because you already slept with her knowing she had a family. At one point you even wanted her to leave that same family to be with you. The truth is that you are willing to destroy a family if it benefits you, but since telling doesn't you don't want to do it

[tami-chan]

3 yrs of cheating, and she was married the entire time??? WTf did you ever consider that maybe if you got with her you couldn't trust her anyways?

 

I mean if she's doing this with you for 3yrs behind his back, who knows what she might do to you, when you get complacent enough.

 

There's a poster on this board who just recently cheated on her husband, and get this they once cheated on their spouses to be with each other. oh and before that he cheated on her as well. see what im saying. How could you trust a cheater when they are fundamentally hypocritical at betraying others?

 

Like i said tell outta truth, not revenge.

 

You could at least apologize to Michael_yyy for getting the time line wrong(yet AGAIN).......just a bit of lie to slam the OP....at least you are not a "cheat"...

[tami-chan]

well thats good....but irrelevant. You were thinking about it just the same. And the question was, WHY all of a sudden would you want to tell him? What would be the motive?

 

Why irrelevant? His reason for coming to LS was to weigh things...to tell or not to tell...so he has arrived in a conclusion...and that's irrelevant?

 

Of course, I agree that it is important to identify the motivation. But to come to a resolution (find the answer) to one's original dilemma is quite relevant. JMHO.

[tami-chan]

lying is just the cowards way out. People with your mentality are weak....

 

Reminds of somebody who would not stop at lying just so he can have the last word, eh, Ikjh?

[lkjh]

Reminds of somebody who would not stop at lying just so he can have the last word, eh, Ikjh?

 

As always I have no clue what you are talking about, but Im going to just assume that once again you are looking to start a argument because you are bored

[lkjh]

My sister watches movies on the Lifetime Channel. I presume that is what you are referring to in your post. I, on the other hand, have never watched, so I am not sure what you mean by labeling me in that manner.

 

From my sister's descriptions, the movies she watches are like disease-of-the-week type movies. I can assure you that is not my thing.

 

If you re-read my post, I believe you will find that I specifically mentioned bosses, parents, brothers and sisters, friends, etc., and made it a point not to include children as part of "imprisonment". Parents always have a responsibility to provide the best environment for their children.

 

If no children will be affected, then, in my opinion, the adults who have been in one's life, who decide to turn their backs on one who chooses to leave a marriage; those adults were never great friends, bosses, or family to begin with. That's my opinion.

 

Savannahruby

 

What I meant was the fact that people have responsibilities to all of the people around them, and just because you didn't label the children and H does not mean they are not apart of the factor. Only in movies and romance novels can someone just up and leave everything for their own selfish purpose and expect everything to come out ok. In real life when people act only on their own wants they end up worst than before. Yes occasionally it works out but the majority of the time they end up screwed. Also, only in those movies (that brainwash people) does the affair live. Most of the time if one party leaves their spouse for their affair, it doesn't last

[Dexter Morgan]

Why irrelevant? His reason for coming to LS was to weigh things...to tell or not to tell...so he has arrived in a conclusion...and that's irrelevant?

 

Its irrelevant to his original question of if he should tell and as to the "why" should he.

 

Its good, for him, to decide for himself not to tell and hopefully to move on.

 

But that fact that he was thinking about it in the first place was only because he wanted revenge. Fact is, he still wanted that revenge, he just chose not to actually do it.

 

so it is relevant to his own well being that he came to a decision. Its irrelevant as to his motive for wanting to tell in the first place.

[Chrome Barracuda]

You could at least apologize to Michael_yyy for getting the time line wrong(yet AGAIN).......just a bit of lie to slam the OP....at least you are not a "cheat"...

 

Time line wrong or not the general statement remains...

 

what he did is wrong in many ways. What is wrong with what i said absolutely nothing! So get your mind right tami. hop OFF!!! stop jocking me!

[Stung]

I don't think you're lumping me into that category, but just to be clear I'm overlooking the morality the situation and am far more concerned with the truth of the situation. I'd argue that the family has already been destroyed. Or at least savaged a bit. The only one who doesn't know it (although it appears he may have an inkling) is the husband. It's time someone filled him in.

 

Agreed. I am not a moral absolutist concerned with somehow 'punishing' the MW, nor have I ever been a BS...but the husband is already suspicious, damage to the family has already been done and in fact has been going on for years. I too think it's a bit sad that so many here sanction the continued gaslighting of the husband.

[lkjh]

I don't read romance novels either and don't believe in that kind of "happy ending", I also don't like romantic, chick-flick movies. As far as having "responsibilities to all of the people around them", I do not believe that means that if one is in a marriage with a controlling, denigrating spouse, for example, where the love was killed-off long ago, they should stay because of the friends, bosses, families, i.e., adults.

 

These adults, if they truly love both parties in the couple, would be better off being concerned about each of them as individuals. If they are true friends and family to them, they will want their dear friends to be happy, even if that means it would be best for them to end the marriage. As adults they will get over it and support the decision, IMO.

 

Savannahruby

 

Go back and read your first post, you just assumed that people are holding this woman hostage and that is why she cheated. There isn't anything that you could have read on here that would lead you to believe that this woman does not want her family. The only conclusion that can come from here is that she is a cake eater. She had her fun and ran back to her family. Considering the fact that she could just up and leave on a trip with this guys makes it seem like she is pretty wealthy. Judging by that it seems like she is a cake eater. But your examples and reasoning were pulled out of thin air.

 

Please tell me and everyone else where you got the idea that this woman is in a controlling, denigrating, and loveless marriage? After all, pretty much most places in the country a woman can get a divorce pretty easy, and make out pretty well.

[ednadean]

OMG! what a horrible thing to even think about. Move on with your own life and don't try to ruin other's...no matter what they've done. YOu probably got a lot out of the A as well --- and it's not like you didn't know she was married.

[Pillow]

Yes. Let it all out.