I am OM and she just broke up with me. Should I inform the husband?

[MistyK]

My situation is this, I am the other man, I trusted and confided in her everything. I honestly thought we were meant to be together and that as she no longer had a relationship with her husband we should go for it.

However I've since learned that she told me what she would call white lies to spare my feelings with regards to her husband so now I don't trust anything she told me for the last year and a half.

 

Unfortunately this is VERY typical of MP. They'll say whatever they have to in order to justify the A to the potential OP. If she truly cared about your feelings, she wouldn't have put you in this position in the 1st place. Telling you "white lies" was not to spare you, it was only so that you'd agree to participate and continue. Likewise, I suppose she'd say her relationship with you was a "white lie" she kept from her H to spare his feelings. I doubt that very much.

 

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I've been there too.

[MistyK]

Is this one of those issues where what you recommend (ie either telling or not telling the BS) is at least partly determined by your own perspective as either a single AP, BS, OW/OM or WS?

 

 

I think it has something to do with it. Honestly there's legitimate ways to argue both ways and I can see the value in both. I do believe the BS have a right to know, but I really feel that it is a pointless exercise for the OP to tell and causes nothing but pain for the BS. Usually, the BS doesn't leave the M, and they have no reason to believe the OP is telling the truth anyway. I think that if OP tell, it's only because they have their own agenda - they hope that by doing so, the M will dissolve and they can have the MP. It's purposely causing pain to get what you want and that's yucky. (Understand that as long as the A goes unnoticed, OP usually think it's not harming anyone. The hope is that the WS decides to leave on their own with the A never being revealed.)

 

I just don't think it's ok for OP to unburden themselves of hurt and guilt by exposing the WS (unless of course they didn't know the MP was M). Dealing with it alone is part of the price we must pay for engaging in the A.

[Meaplus3]

No! It's not your place to inform her H. Telling her about about the affair should come from her. As a person who was once involved with a mm.. and tempted to tell the wife, I can tell you the best thing I did was to keep a tight lip, move on, and fix my own life.. and let xmm and his wife do the same. Best of luck.

 

Mea:)

[jerbear]

You are a single guy, so no.

Let them sort things out. Stay out of their business, it is between her and her husband. Yeah you were involved but it is their relationship.

 

Don't want to scorn the woman.

 

Guys will duke it out, then get beer and wings, watch football (whichever kind) and move on. Scorn women... you don't want to scorn one.

[grogster]

Hey AR, thank you for your kind words.

 

And thank you all, including the ones that have no business here, in this support group, like Bent...

 

I've made my decision: I will step back and walk away. I still love her and I will love her for long time. I will not tell her husband. Of course, I want him to know, but it will not be from me. I also understand the other point of view. He has the right to know. I was in those shoes in my life too and I wanted to know. It would have helped me to save few years of pain. If any of you want to tell him, you are more than welcome to do it .

 

And one more question: is there a way I can communicate with individuals in this group? Some sort of chat or email? I appreciated very much your comments and I would like to talk more to some of you.

 

Thank you again and I will keep you updated.

 

As a former OM, I can't tell you how pleased I am with your decision to walk away without nuking that family.

 

Sometimes the better man knows when to hold his fire.

 

Kudos to you, dude.

[Devil Inside]

Hey AR, thank you for your kind words.

 

And thank you all, including the ones that have no business here, in this support group, like Bent...

 

I've made my decision: I will step back and walk away. I still love her and I will love her for long time. I will not tell her husband. Of course, I want him to know, but it will not be from me. I also understand the other point of view. He has the right to know. I was in those shoes in my life too and I wanted to know. It would have helped me to save few years of pain. If any of you want to tell him, you are more than welcome to do it .

 

And one more question: is there a way I can communicate with individuals in this group? Some sort of chat or email? I appreciated very much your comments and I would like to talk more to some of you.

 

Thank you again and I will keep you updated.

 

Sounds like a good decision. It is hard to let love walk away without acting out.

 

As for communication...continue to post. I think after a month and 50 posts you get personal messaging capabilities.

[Lizzie60]

I join Grogster to congratulate you on your wise decision...

 

People should think about the kids instead of doing things out of revenge.. they didn't ask for all the mess in the first place..

 

Good for you.. you are a wise man..

[lkjh]

This is so depressing, so many people are congratulating him for not telling, saying it isn't his place.

 

Can someone please explain the reasoning and logic behind this? If you f*** someone else's w/h, how can you possibly say its not your place to get involved in their marriage. If you don't want to be involved then don't help them cheat. This wasn't a one night stand, it was a 3 year relationship. That is at least 3 years of lying and disrespect.

 

 

There are way to many weak pathetic people in this world

[grogster]

This is so depressing, so many people are congratulating him for not telling, saying it isn't his place.

 

Can someone please explain the reasoning and logic behind this? If you f*** someone else's w/h, how can you possibly say its not your place to get involved in their marriage. If you don't want to be involved then don't help them cheat. This wasn't a one night stand, it was a 3 year relationship. That is at least 3 years of lying and disrespect.

 

 

There are way to many weak pathetic people in this world

 

It takes more strength of character for michaeL_yyy to refuse the urge to retaliate than it does for him to retaliate.

 

You absolutists--all so obsessed with your Morality that you're willing to destroy a family just to satisfy your pathetic urge to punish the MW.

[fooled once]

Hey AR, thank you for your kind words.

 

And thank you all, including the ones that have no business here, in this support group, like Bent...

 

I've made my decision: I will step back and walk away. I still love her and I will love her for long time. I will not tell her husband. Of course, I want him to know, but it will not be from me. I also understand the other point of view. He has the right to know. I was in those shoes in my life too and I wanted to know. It would have helped me to save few years of pain. If any of you want to tell him, you are more than welcome to do it .

 

And one more question: is there a way I can communicate with individuals in this group? Some sort of chat or email? I appreciated very much your comments and I would like to talk more to some of you.

 

Thank you again and I will keep you updated.

 

Bent has just as much "right" to be here as anyone else. You may not like the advice given, but take what you need and leave the rest.

 

Running to her husband after she told you "see ya" is total revenge. Where was your thoughts for her husband when you were banging his wife?

[fooled once]

My situation is this, I am the other man, I trusted and confided in her everything. I honestly thought we were meant to be together and that as she no longer had a relationship with her husband we should go for it.

However I've since learned that she told me what she would call white lies to spare my feelings with regards to her husband so now I don't trust anything she told me for the last year and a half. I still cry uncontrollably and still love her whether that be blind love because i'm still in denial.

The fact is this, she's told me she cant leave him and her step kids and I respect that, but if i was to find out that she in fact is seeing someone else besides me and her husband I will obtain photographic evidence and send it anonymously to her husband. I always told her not to run away with me and to leave her husband in an honest way. but she wouldn't it was either run away or nothing. I feel as betrayed as her husband, I always spared a thought for him as i am empathetic to all and sunder. If she's making a go of it with him I will step back and count my losses, if she's cheating again..she's getting blown out the water !!!

 

I know you think you do; but he is the one who made vows with her; shared his kids with her; built a LIFE with her. His betrayal is way more than what you are feeling. HE has no idea about YOU where as you KNEW SHE WAS MARRIED when you started the affair.

[Dexter Morgan]

I want to tell her husband about our story, so that he knows what snake he has in the house...

I need some advice and your comments. Thank you...

 

 

you wouldn't want to tell her husband while you were with her, so why tell him now?

 

Ah, the old revenge thing in the guise of letting him be informed right?

 

A cheater, that you know is a cheater, ended up breaking up with you while cheating on her husband, and now all of a sudden you are somehow surprised and want payback? get real.

 

But while I think it is idiotic of you to all of a sudden NOW want to tell the husband because you feel slighted (as if it should have came as any freakin' shock to you) I say go ahead and tell. The H deserves to know, no matter how lame your reasons are for telling.

[bentnotbroken]

Hey AR, thank you for your kind words.

 

And thank you all, including the ones that have no business here, in this support group, like Bent...

 

I've made my decision: I will step back and walk away. I still love her and I will love her for long time. I will not tell her husband. Of course, I want him to know, but it will not be from me. I also understand the other point of view. He has the right to know. I was in those shoes in my life too and I wanted to know. It would have helped me to save few years of pain. If any of you want to tell him, you are more than welcome to do it .

 

And one more question: is there a way I can communicate with individuals in this group? Some sort of chat or email? I appreciated very much your comments and I would like to talk more to some of you.

 

Thank you again and I will keep you updated.

 

 

:laugh:You would be an expert on being somewhere where you shouldn't be, did that stop you. Apparently not, hence you posting here about your pain and confusion. The guidelines don't say Bent can't post here.

[Dexter Morgan]

:laugh:You would be an expert on being somewhere where you shouldn't be, did that stop you. Apparently not, hence you posting here about your pain and confusion. The guidelines don't say Bent can't post here.

 

ya, funny how you "have no business" being here in this forum, but he had every right to sleep with someone elses wife.

 

amazing, isn't it bent?

 

so I guess that means he had business to be with someone elses spouse.

[GorillaTheater]

It takes more strength of character for michaeL_yyy to refuse the urge to retaliate than it does for him to retaliate.

 

You absolutists--all so obsessed with your Morality that you're willing to destroy a family just to satisfy your pathetic urge to punish the MW.

 

I don't think you're lumping me into that category, but just to be clear I'm overlooking the morality the situation and am far more concerned with the truth of the situation. I'd argue that the family has already been destroyed. Or at least savaged a bit. The only one who doesn't know it (although it appears he may have an inkling) is the husband. It's time someone filled him in.

[michaeL_yyy]

:laugh:You would be an expert on being somewhere where you shouldn't be, did that stop you. Apparently not, hence you posting here about your pain and confusion. The guidelines don't say Bent can't post here.

 

Bent, all I am saying is that this is a support group and is of great help for me. Your comments earlier on the thread were offensive and bitter. I am bitter myself, I know I did a very bad thing, I have a lot of pain now. Anybody can tell me things that I don't like or I don't agree with, and they would be right and I wouldn't mind. But in your case, there is bitterness and you are very aggresive, like trying to let out your own demons. Just out of place here. That's all.

[michaeL_yyy]

I don't think you will regret this decision. I think you would have regretted, down the road, the decision to tell the H. It is courageous of you to deal with your own pain. It isn't easy to deal with one's own pain. Causing further pain to others would just be a distraction from feeling the pain, IMO. You will heal. It will be a process, but you will heal, and you have just begun the path of healing by your choice. My best wishes for your healing.

 

Savannahruby

 

Thank you, Savannah...

[Dexter Morgan]

Bent, all I am saying is that this is a support group and is of great help for me.

 

problem is, what you are looking for isn't to help you, unless the motive is revenge.

 

if you want help, then its best to listen to the advice that says, let it go, and move on, and vow now to try to screw a married woman again.

 

I say tell because the H deserves to know, but if you are interested in getting "help", then your question on whether to tell the husband isn't a matter of helping you...its a matter of someone feeling slighted and wanting pay back.

 

 

Your comments earlier on the thread were offensive

 

and what you did by sleeping with a married woman...you don't think that is offensive to someone, whether in here or in real life.

 

 

I am bitter myself, I know I did a very bad thing

 

ya, but you only care NOW that you did a bad thing since she decided to end the affair.

 

 

I have a lot of pain now. Anybody can tell me things that I don't like or I don't agree with, and they would be right and I wouldn't mind. But in your case, there is bitterness and you are very aggresive, like trying to let out your own demons. Just out of place here. That's all.

 

with regards to the bolded part....you don't think those very words apply to a man scorned that wants to rat on his x-lover to her husband?

[bentnotbroken]

Bent, all I am saying is that this is a support group and is of great help for me. Your comments earlier on the thread were offensive and bitter. I am bitter myself, I know I did a very bad thing, I have a lot of pain now. Anybody can tell me things that I don't like or I don't agree with, and they would be right and I wouldn't mind. But in your case, there is bitterness and you are very aggresive, like trying to let out your own demons. Just out of place here. That's all.

 

 

Here we go with the bitterness thing.. :rolleyes: Yes, I am aggressive. No doubt about it. Bitter, I guess that depends on your definition as bitter. I would wager that there are AP here don't find me bitter. Blunt yes, harsh yes, aggressive yes....bitter, they nope. As FO said, take what you can use and leave the rest alone. Since I don't know to which thread you are referring to probably were offensive to a lot of people(I find infidelity offensive, but does it stop it? Not in this world:laugh:)but I can say without a doubt, bitter isn't part of me as much as some want it to be.

 

Bitter requires you stew and make excuses for actions and blame anything and everything except the person in the mirror. The person I see when I look in the mirror has been examined and found lacking in many areas. Lacking so much that there were 2 choices, stay there and blame everyone and everything except myself or grow some gonads and deal with the mess I helped to create. I chose the later.

[Lizzie60]

It takes more strength of character for michaeL_yyy to refuse the urge to retaliate than it does for him to retaliate.

 

You absolutists--all so obsessed with your Morality that you're willing to destroy a family just to satisfy your pathetic urge to punish the MW.[/QUOTE]

 

 

Soooo well said.. totally agree... why punish the children.. make their life miserable.. when most of the time.. they are happy...

[Confused4Now]

3 yrs of cheating, and she was married the entire time??? WTf did you ever consider that maybe if you got with her you couldn't trust her anyways?

 

I mean if she's doing this with you for 3yrs behind his back, who knows what she might do to you, when you get complacent enough.

 

There's a poster on this board who just recently cheated on her husband, and get this they once cheated on their spouses to be with each other. oh and before that he cheated on her as well. see what im saying. How could you trust a cheater when they are fundamentally hypocritical at betraying others?

 

Like i said tell outta truth, not revenge.

Damn Chrome!!!! I hate you!!! I agree with you so much now!!! WTF is wrong with me!!!

[whichwayisup]

Let's put it this way..IF her husband contacts you and outright ASKS you if you had an affair with his wife - TELL HIM THE TRUTH. Own up to your part in the affair, answer his questions and take responsibility for your actions/decisions/choices and face the consquences.

[Confused4Now]

Not only stepping away from it all....think about finding out why you put yourself in this situation in the first place. Fix that so it doesn't happen again.

[grogster]

Let's put it this way..IF her husband contacts you and outright ASKS you if you had an affair with his wife - TELL HIM THE TRUTH. Own up to your part in the affair, answer his questions and take responsibility for your actions/decisions/choices and face the consquences.

 

 

That's fair. I agree.

[grogster]

Not only stepping away from it all....think about finding out why you put yourself in this situation in the first place. Fix that so it doesn't happen again.

 

That's the most important thing to do, now. As an ex-OM, I stay politely distant from all married women--especially at work.

 

No more "best friend" or "shoulder-to-cry-on" emotional hook traps. If these women need that, they get it at home or from close female colleagues.

 

As for michael, the best solution for getting his relationship life back on track is to go no contact, and I mean absolutely no contact or communications with the MW.

 

Michael can start his life over much more easily than the MW who must live with the Affair memories while she plays the perfect, loving wife at home.

 

Sometimes, the past is the best revenge.