Is it disrespectful to end a two year affair over email?

[Owl]

There becomes a question of balance...the 'respect' of ending it face to face with him on one hand vs. the reality that doing it via email is most likely a far better thing for you, because it denies him the opportunity to 'suck you back in'.

 

Personally, in this case, I think that what's best for the majority...you, potentially his marriage, even potentially him in the LONG RUN...outweighs the value of showing him the "respect" of ending it face to face.

 

End it via email...but do so DECISIVELY. Don't make your email to him in any way ambiguous, or he'll find a way to resume the affair and act like he didn't understand what you meant/intended.

 

Send a point blank, non-negotiable ending to him...and do as others have suggested and take active measures to BLOCK AND PREVENT further contact from/to him.

 

While respect is important, sometimes the "what's best for everyone" needs to take precedence.

[complicatedlife]

Did you miss the bit where he changed her mind before when she dumped him?

 

OP, send the email, block his phone numbers, email addresses, everything and start living.

 

Yes, Ms. Tea, I "missed the bit". What are you talking about??? It surely can't be DI's situation as he clearly stated that he pleaded with her and cried and she still drove away. My statement was a general one. Read people....READ.

[complicatedlife]

There becomes a question of balance...the 'respect' of ending it face to face with him on one hand vs. the reality that doing it via email is most likely a far better thing for you, because it denies him the opportunity to 'suck you back in'.

 

Personally, in this case, I think that what's best for the majority...you, potentially his marriage, even potentially him in the LONG RUN...outweighs the value of showing him the "respect" of ending it face to face.

 

End it via email...but do so DECISIVELY. Don't make your email to him in any way ambiguous, or he'll find a way to resume the affair and act like he didn't understand what you meant/intended.

 

Send a point blank, non-negotiable ending to him...and do as others have suggested and take active measures to BLOCK AND PREVENT further contact from/to him.

 

While respect is important, sometimes the "what's best for everyone" needs to take precedence.

 

I agree with this - and no one can really take care of anyone else unless they take care of themselves first, which is why I told IG that I believe a face to face or phone call is warranted, but if she absolutely can't do it without causing herself more harm, then she's gotta do what she's gotta do.

[Devil Inside]

Looks like she did...via email.

 

It's in a new thread.

[complicatedlife]

Looks like she did...via email.

 

It's in a new thread.

 

DI - I meant to tell you that I do agree with Jennie in regards to the statement that you made of never contacting your exOW, no matter the circumstance. There is a hint of taking away her choice - how do you know that she wouldn't want to hear from you if you were a few years out of a divorce? That's really a rhetorical question.

 

Also, I think that even though the situation with your wife seems like a hard road, at least she's trying, and trust me, that means something. When my boyfriend went back to his exW to try to work things out, she barely made an effort, and I think this is the thing that is key in trying to revive/reconcile a relationship. I wish you well. Sorry for the threadjack, IG!

[Devil Inside]

DI, if I was your OW I would be sad if you deprived me of my choice if you did get a divorce.

 

I shouldn't predict the future. Time has a way of changing things...so you never know. However, I know that today...I can't be thinking that way...our R was what it was...and I need to be in the present or my M has no chance.

[jasminetea]

Yes, Ms. Tea, I "missed the bit". What are you talking about??? It surely can't be DI's situation as he clearly stated that he pleaded with her and cried and she still drove away. My statement was a general one. Read people....READ.

 

You said -

If an MM tries to change someone's mind, then he has no respect for her. I don't think my former MM is the be all end all of men or MM's, but when I broke up with him, he respected my choice and decision and never once tried to get me to change my mind.

 

Which is exactly what the MM Indiagirl has been seeing did.

 

Oh my word I came for advice not insults! Why does the OW always get portrayed as the big bad wolf that preyed on the poor little MM...! IF ONLY YOU KNEW THE TRUTH!!!!

 

I will not defend myself here and also will not disrespect MM by revealing the truth of what happened - suffice to say I was lied to - I believed I was dating a man who was separated from his wife - when I found out I ended it immediately. This happened a year down the line from meeting him - I was in love, head over heels. He reeled me back in with excuses and false promises. I caved. A year later and I've had it. I am a broken women. Yes it was wrong to get involved with a MM - but please don't ever think he is the innocent party here.

 

I await more constructive resposes regarding my original question.

 

Ok?

[jennie-jennie]

I shouldn't predict the future. Time has a way of changing things...so you never know. However, I know that today...I can't be thinking that way...our R was what it was...and I need to be in the present or my M has no chance.

 

I support you in this. You have made a choice to work on your marriage and you need to give it your all.

[NoIDidn't]

Hey, at least you're sending the email, you could have just decided to go NC without even letting him know.

 

And how many MM do just this. They disappear for a period without telling the OW where they are going or what circumstances prompted the cessation in contact.

 

This relationship doesn't have a basis of mutual respect. I really don't think he deserves anything more than an email or a text. I am certain that he would have no problem doing the same thing to you, all in the name of protecting his marriage (or protecting his secret from his W and family).

[complicatedlife]

You said -

 

Which is exactly what the MM Indiagirl has been seeing did.

 

 

 

Ok?

 

Uh - NO. I wasn't talking about IG when I made that statement. That's why I said to READ. I even said that when I made that statement that it wasn't directed to anyone - that it was a general statement. I can't help you with reading comprehension......Anyway, back on topic!

[complicatedlife]

And how many MM do just this. They disappear for a period without telling the OW where they are going or what circumstances prompted the cessation in contact.

 

This relationship doesn't have a basis of mutual respect. I really don't think he deserves anything more than an email or a text. I am certain that he would have no problem doing the same thing to you, all in the name of protecting his marriage (or protecting his secret from his W and family).

That was my other point.....if ANYONE can behave in that way, they never really cared about the person or had any respect for the feelings that were (supposedly) shared....MM, MW, OW, OM, BS, WS - all included.

[NoIDidn't]

That was my other point.....if ANYBODY can behave in that way, they never really cared about the person or had any respect for the feelings that were (supposedly) shared....MM, MW, OW, OM, BS, WS - all included.

 

I get what you are saying, but I think you went abbreviation crazy and included a party that has no part in ending the A - the BS. LOL.

 

Unless you are making the claim that the BS owes the WS (the MP) respect after what they've done to their marriage. Either way, I don't think the BS owes something they weren't shown.

[complicatedlife]

I get what you are saying' date=' [b']but I think you went abbreviation crazy [/b]and included a party that has no part in ending the A - the BS. LOL.

 

Unless you are making the claim that the BS owes the WS (the MP) respect after what they've done to their marriage. Either way, I don't think the BS owes something they weren't shown.

Lol (at bolded part).

 

I'm not really speaking of "owing", I'm saying that when you have a certain level of care about someone, you try to do things in a way to cause as less pain as possible, and that includes ending things - regardless of which "abbreviation" (lol) you are. So in the case of a BS, if she finds out about an affair (by photos, a phone call - however they'd come to the knowledge) and that's a deal breaker for him/her - and it's a deal breaker no matter what, then yes, he/she should end things with their WS in person or on the phone, and only resort to using "technology" if it's in their absolute best interest. Of course, this is my opinion.

 

What I am trying to convey is that I believe that no matter what type of relationship it is, if there is any feeling or care in the relationship and it has to end, do it in the way that you would want it to be done to you. And for me, it would be face to face or via a phone call.

[jasminetea]

Uh - NO. I wasn't talking about IG when I made that statement. That's why I said to READ. I even said that when I made that statement that it wasn't directed to anyone - that it was a general statement. I can't help you with reading comprehension......Anyway, back on topic!

 

Let me quote it for you again. This, by the way was in reply to stopthedrama's post that was in reply to NoIdidn't's post which was in turn in reply to Indiagirl's post. They were all about - you guessed it - Indiagirl's MM.

 

If an MM tries to change someone's mind, then he has no respect for her.

 

An MM - so in other words, any MM who tries to change his OW's mind has no respect for her. Indiagirl's MM had tried to change her mind before (and suceeded), thus in your own definition, has no respect for her.

 

I can't help you with being reasonable or polite.

[NoIDidn't]

Lol (at bolded part).

 

I'm not really speaking of "owing", I'm saying that when you have a certain level of care about someone, you try to do things in a way to cause as less pain as possible, and that includes ending things - regardless of which "abbreviation" (lol) you are. So in the case of a BS, if she finds out about an affair (by photos, a phone call - however they'd come to the knowledge) and that's a deal breaker for him/her - and it's a deal breaker no matter what, then yes, he/she should end things with their WS in person or on the phone, and only resort to using "technology" if it's in their absolute best interest. Of course, this is my opinion.

 

What I am trying to convey is that I believe that no matter what type of relationship it is, if there is any feeling or care in the relationship and it has to end, do it in the way that you would want it to be done to you. And for me, it would be face to face or via a phone call.

 

I understand what you are trying to say, but still disagree. A married couple said their vows face to face, of course they should end things face to face.

 

If an affair is mostly conducted via secret email accounts and text messages, how is ending it in this manner disrespectful? This was the method of most of the communication, but all of a sudden it becomes disrespectful? It doesn't make any sense to me.

 

Not to mention, MM do go dark on OWs all the time. And OWs make excuses for them - they were in their 'cave', their family needed them, and so on. All of those excuses are disrespectful to the OP, IMO. That's why I said that the relationship doesn't have a basis of respect. Asking someone to accept not being able to call your home is not respectful. I wasn't speaking only of indiagirl's A. I was speaking about the nature of some As in general.

[complicatedlife]

I understand what you are trying to say, but still disagree. A married couple said their vows face to face, of course they should end things face to face.

 

If an affair is mostly conducted via secret email accounts and text messages, how is ending it in this manner disrespectful? This was the method of most of the communication, but all of a sudden it becomes disrespectful? It doesn't make any sense to me.

 

Not to mention, MM do go dark on OWs all the time. And OWs make excuses for them - they were in their 'cave', their family needed them, and so on. All of those excuses are disrespectful to the OP, IMO. That's why I said that the relationship doesn't have a basis of respect. Asking someone to accept not being able to call your home is not respectful. I wasn't speaking only of indiagirl's A. I was speaking about the nature of some As in general.

If the bolded part is the case, then I agree with you. But I'm not talking about a relationship that exists in that way - that's......kind of gross to me and not a REAL relationship. A relationship requires "relations" - that emails and texts are no way to relate, at least not to me. But if it's a relationship where the two people have spent time together, know each others' friends and maybe even some family, then I stick with my original post...hope this clears things up on what I mean.

[complicatedlife]

Let me quote it for you again. This, by the way was in reply to stopthedrama's post that was in reply to NoIdidn't's post which was in turn in reply to Indiagirl's post. They were all about - you guessed it - Indiagirl's MM.

 

 

 

An MM - so in other words, any MM who tries to change his OW's mind has no respect for her. Indiagirl's MM had tried to change her mind before (and suceeded), thus in your own definition, has no respect for her.

 

Since you don't get it, here you go- here's what was posted:

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by NoIDidn't

Send the email. He doesn't deserve any further respect.

 

Plus, when you try to end the A face to face, most MM will put on the charm in ways you have never experienced to get you to change your mind.

 

Send the email.

 

StoptheDrama said, "Amen to that!! Some of the bullsh*t that came out of his mouth when I had ended it face to face previously was (in hindsight) utterly amazing... ;)"

__________________

And then I responded to StoptheDrama's post with, "If an MM tries to change someone's mind, he has no respect for her." And then made a specific comment about my own personal experience.

 

1. See....in NID's bolded part, she is not specifically speaking about IG's MM in that paragraph - she is speaking in GENERAL("most MM will put on the char, etc - key word being "Most" not, IG's MM),

 

2. to which StoptheDrama replied in GENERAL ("Amen to that!") as well as to HER OWN experience ("Some of the bullsh*t that came out of his mouth when I had ended it face to face previously was (in hindsight) utterly amazing..."), and then I made an MM statement......in GENERAL in regards to ANY MM that would do that - NOT JUST IG's. It wasn't to any one person's specific situation.

 

I can't help you with being reasonable or polite.

I am ALWAYS reasonable - and usually quite polite- even in the face of people trying to be condescending; but in this particular case, I know I am not being anymore polite than you were originally being now, were you?

 

Now I am done with this because it's not helpful to IndiaGirl.

[NoIDidn't]

If the bolded part is the case, then I agree with you. But I'm not talking about a relationship that exists in that way - that's......kind of gross to me and not a REAL relationship. A relationship requires "relations" - that emails and texts are no way to relate, at least not to me. But if it's a relationship where the two people have spent time together, know each others' friends and maybe even some family, then I stick with my original post...hope this clears things up on what I mean.

 

Then we agree mostly.

 

Indiagirl was with her MM for two years, so I suppose she had more contact than just email and text.

 

But if the relationship really is more emails and texts, I don't see ending it that way as disrespectful.

 

I've seen many people IRL trying to end an affair resorting to the "just one last time" cycle over and over again. They can't end it in an impersonal way, because that devalues what they feel they had. They try ending it face to face and end up in bed again, or needing another conversation and another conversation and things never quite end until the most damage to everyone involved (directly and indirectly) is done.

 

Whether ending by text, email, or face-to-face, the end communication has to be followed by NC.

[jasminetea]

<snip>

 

Do you not understand that Indiagirl's MM is an MM? When you talk in generalisations about any MM you're including him!

 

Unbelievable.

[complicatedlife]

Do you not understand that Indiagirl's MM is an MM? When you talk in generalisations about any MM you're including him!

 

Unbelievable.

 

Ok...and? I think everyone who has read the original post knows that IG's MM is an MM. It doesn't take away from the fact that I, and anyone here can still make a general statement within the context of a thread, and even still in the context of a post. If you didn't get my last post, I can't explain it any better or clearer than I already have. You haven't even begun to grasp what I said and it was quite simple. No one else has taken away what you have taken away from it. Furthermore, the fact that it was just one statement/sentence that I made and you still haven't gotten it......it makes no sense to continue.

 

I don't really care for your posts, anyway, so I will utilize the ignore button. Again, this is inconsiderate to the OP and I apologize for the interruption with this threadjack.

[bentnotbroken]

Lol (at bolded part).

 

I'm not really speaking of "owing", I'm saying that when you have a certain level of care about someone, you try to do things in a way to cause as less pain as possible, and that includes ending things - regardless of which "abbreviation" (lol) you are. So in the case of a BS, if she finds out about an affair (by photos, a phone call - however they'd come to the knowledge) and that's a deal breaker for him/her - and it's a deal breaker no matter what, then yes, he/she should end things with their WS in person or on the phone, and only resort to using "technology" if it's in their absolute best interest. Of course, this is my opinion.

 

What I am trying to convey is that I believe that no matter what type of relationship it is, if there is any feeling or care in the relationship and it has to end, do it in the way that you would want it to be done to you. And for me, it would be face to face or via a phone call.

 

 

How about process server? That was a face to face encounter. He opened the door, then he was served.

[indiagirl1]

Damn I regret asking the original question now.......sorry. Thank you all of you for your responses anyway.

 

And yes it was more than an email and text relationship. Much more. But nothing resembling a normal relationship of course - I was a secret after all.

 

Ended it earlier today by email. Immediately following this I couldn't breathe, I was literally gasping for air I was so distressed. The hours that followed were horrendous. I couldn't humiliate myself behaving like that in front of him. I feel I have somehow maintained my dignity doing it this way even though inside my heart is breaking.....

 

Thank you for your responses.

[TogetherForever]

Damn I regret asking the original question now.......sorry. Thank you all of you for your responses anyway.

 

And yes it was more than an email and text relationship. Much more. But nothing resembling a normal relationship of course - I was a secret after all.

 

Ended it earlier today by email. Immediately following this I couldn't breathe, I was literally gasping for air I was so distressed. The hours that followed were horrendous. I couldn't humiliate myself behaving like that in front of him. I feel I have somehow maintained my dignity doing it this way even though inside my heart is breaking.....

 

Thank you for your responses.

 

No it's not disrespectful to end an affair in a text message.

(((IndiaGirl))) You WILL be ok!!!!

 

TF

[GreenEyedLady]

I am a firm believer in do what you need to do.

 

Doesn't matter how you do it, the end result is still the same.

 

I broke up with mine over the phone. I mean let's be real, how many OW see their MM every day? I wasn't about to get an ulcer knowing what I was going to do in a week. Much more effective over the phone. No drawn out goodbye's or him trying to change your mind.

 

Disrespect? Disrespect is treating someone like they're second place. Disrespect is expecting your OW to be faithful when you go home and sleep with your W. Disrespect is expecting to end if first and getting pissed off when she beats you to the punch.

 

The ends justify the means in this case.

 

GEL

[fooled once]

Great post GEL!