complicatedlife Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 And exactly were does it say that the only way to be respectful is to tell someone that you no longer want to be their side piece to their face. I would like to read that. Come on, we don't need a manual that says we should respect a baby, our boss who we can't stand because he's a sleaze, an elderly woman. And this is not the same kind of respect I am speaking of, anyway. I am speaking of being respectful towards someone's FEELINGS - especially when it's someone that you have claimed to care about. I think the feelings of someone I care for is worth a face to face, or at the very least, a phone call. And that's even me putting myself in the shoes of being a MW having an affair....if this man claimed to have "feelings" for me and wanted to end things and go no contact, I would EXPECT that to be done via a meeting or at least via phone if that's not possible. I'd feel like crap if it was done in such an impersonal manner; it just lacks tact and etiquette - but most of all, it would show me that I meant absolutely NOTHING to him. But of course, this is my opinion, and how I would treat someone I cared about. I do understand that other people may feel quite differently in that a person in an affair is not deserving of any empathy or respect whatsoever. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Come on, we don't need a manual that says we should respect a baby, our boss who we can't stand because he's a sleaze, an elderly woman. And this is not the same kind of respect I am speaking of, anyway. I am speaking of being respectful towards someone's FEELINGS - especially when it's someone that you have claimed to care about. I think the feelings of someone I care for is worth a face to face, or at the very least, a phone call. And that's even me putting myself in the shoes of being a MW having an affair....if this man claimed to have "feelings" for me and wanted to end things and go no contact, I would EXPECT that to be done via a meeting or at least via phone if that's not possible. I'd feel like crap if it was done in such an impersonal manner; it just lacks tact and etiquette - but most of all, it would show me that I meant absolutely NOTHING to him. But of course, this is my opinion, and how I would treat someone I cared about. I do understand that other people may feel quite differently in that a person in an affair is not deserving of any empathy or respect whatsoever. I guess anyone who has so little regard for another's feeling by lying and deceiving the one they married, wouldn't know respect if it slapped them on the behind with a flaming log. My opinion of course. Respect is earned. Treating someone with courtesy doesn't = respect. My boss, the old lady who irritates slightly or the child that needs a bit more discipline. I can treat them with courtesy and be polite without respecting them as people or the things they do. Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 I guess anyone who has so little regard for another's feeling by lying and deceiving the one they married, wouldn't know respect if it slapped them on the behind with a flaming log. My opinion of course. Respect is earned. Treating someone with courtesy doesn't = respect. My boss, the old lady who irritates slightly or the child that needs a bit more discipline. I can treat them with courtesy and be polite without respecting them as people or the things they do. That's cool - you and I can agree to disagree. I was raised to believe that respect is given to all human beings, not earned. So I try to do that as much as I can. That's not to say that I think my way is the "right" way - I just do what my conscience will allow me to sleep with. And I think that you are trying to apply my logic to the eyes of a BS when you say "I guess anyone who has so little regard for another's feeling by lying and deceiving the one they married" - but I am not looking at it through the BS's eyes, I was looking at it throigh the eyes of the OP and the MM. But I will say that even as a BS, which I was at one point in my 12 year relationship, I would still feel the same way...matter of fact when I found out about the cheating, I said to my SO - you need to call that girl and apologize, don't just ignore her. I made him do it in front of me. Just because they were cheaters doesn't mean that their feelings should be made to hurt. But, hey, I know I'm different and I'm really okay with that. Link to post Share on other sites
jj33 Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Gosh I wish my xMMs wife was like you. Shed box his ears at this point! I agree with your point CL, but I think for IndiaGirl and what is best for her in this situation, not doing it face to face is better. That way she wont get drawn back in. Yes MM have feelings too but he has it all. She needs to protect her broken heart. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 That's cool - you and I can agree to disagree. I was raised to believe that respect is given to all human beings, not earned. So I try to do that as much as I can. That's not to say that I think my way is the "right" way - I just do what my conscience will allow me to sleep with. And I think that you are trying to apply my logic to the eyes of a BS when you say "I guess anyone who has so little regard for another's feeling by lying and deceiving the one they married" - but I am not looking at it through the BS's eyes, I was looking at it throigh the eyes of the OP and the MM. But I will say that even as a BS, which I was at one point in my 12 year relationship, I would still feel the same way...matter of fact when I found out about the cheating, I said to my SO - you need to call that girl and apologize, don't just ignore her. I made him do it in front of me. Just because they were cheaters doesn't mean that their feelings should be made to hurt. But, hey, I know I'm different and I'm really okay with that. Yes we are different. That's what gives the world flavor. And I am good with my choices too. :) Link to post Share on other sites
StoptheDrama Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Send the email. He doesn't deserve any further respect. Plus, when you try to end the A face to face, most MM will put on the charm in ways you have never experienced to get you to change your mind. Send the email. Amen to that!! Some of the bullsh*t that came out of his mouth when I had ended it face to face previously was (in hindsight) utterly amazing... Link to post Share on other sites
fooled once Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 What feelings do you this this cheating MM has? Feelings of sorrow that he lead on this woman? Feelings of "crap, now who am I going to screw on the side?" Feelings of sadness for what he has done to his wife? So the OP should put herself in harms way by meeting with him and possibly be tempted to continue this A which does her NO GOOD long term? He isn't leaving his wife for her so all that is going to happen is more hurt for her. I believe for the most part respect is earned, not something that every person just gets. By meeting with this man, the OP is looking out for HIM; not herself. Who is looking out for her? can't be her since she is too busy looking out for him. I don't think any person should NOT look out for themselves so as to save a cheater's feelings. No way. Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Amen to that!! Some of the bullsh*t that came out of his mouth when I had ended it face to face previously was (in hindsight) utterly amazing... If an MM tries to change someone's mind, then he has no respect for her. I don't think my former MM is the be all end all of men or MM's, but when I broke up with him, he respected my choice and decision and never once tried to get me to change my mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 This is a hard one. Ending any kind of relationship by any other way then face to face is not ideal. However, as a former MM I can tell you...when my xOW ended things in person I did not make it easy for her. I cried. I told her I would leave my wife. I pleaded. I became upset. I said the sweetest things I could think of. I did not want to lose her. My xOW was so strong...I admired how she held strong. When she pulled away in her car I thought I was going to die. She stopped a block down the street, later she told me she was so close to turning the car around and saying she made a mistake...but she didn't. My point, he will make this so hard, and unless you are really strong you will crumble. Send the email...I know it seems cold...but this is a big picture thing...ending the relationship is for the best. Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 What feelings do you this this cheating MM has? Feelings of sorrow that he lead on this woman? Feelings of "crap, now who am I going to screw on the side?" Feelings of sadness for what he has done to his wife? So the OP should put herself in harms way by meeting with him and possibly be tempted to continue this A which does her NO GOOD long term? He isn't leaving his wife for her so all that is going to happen is more hurt for her. I believe for the most part respect is earned, not something that every person just gets. By meeting with this man, the OP is looking out for HIM; not herself. Who is looking out for her? can't be her since she is too busy looking out for him. I don't think any person should NOT look out for themselves so as to save a cheater's feelings. No way. She didn't sound to me as if she would be in harm's way unless you are speaking emotionally and not physically. If that is the case, why can't a phone call be made? Who is looking out for her? She has to look out for herself, and if she decides that no matter what, the email is the absolute best option for her, then she should do that - but she DID consider a face to face which shows that she did have empathy for the feelings of someone she cared about. I don't come from a culture where respect is earned - respect is automatically given - to my elders, my family members, basically everyone. But then again where my family is from, people still say, "Good Morning", "Good Evening", and "Good night" when we pass each other- it's a sign of respect and you're considered rude and impolite if you don't do that. Anyway, the feelings that I am referring to are the feelings that the MM has for the OP. She believes he has feelings, and that is most likely the reason for the question. Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Yes we are different. That's what gives the world flavor. And I am good with my choices too. :) In the words of a famous little rascal, "And how!" Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 This is a hard one. Ending any kind of relationship by any other way then face to face is not ideal. However, as a former MM I can tell you...when my xOW ended things in person I did not make it easy for her. I cried. I told her I would leave my wife. I pleaded. I became upset. I said the sweetest things I could think of. I did not want to lose her. My xOW was so strong...I admired how she held strong. When she pulled away in her car I thought I was going to die. She stopped a block down the street, later she told me she was so close to turning the car around and saying she made a mistake...but she didn't. My point, he will make this so hard, and unless you are really strong you will crumble. Send the email...I know it seems cold...but this is a big picture thing...ending the relationship is for the best. The bold is where I am coming from. I have to say, though, I'd be ANGRY if my MM had done that to me - crying, pleading, upset - to get me to change my mind? Not cool. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 The bold is where I am coming from. I have to say, though, I'd be ANGRY if my MM had done that to me - crying, pleading, upset - to get me to change my mind? Not cool. I'm sure it did piss her off...when she was able to feel anger...I couldn't get her to stop crying either. I am not proud of how I handled that last day...all I can do know is handle this part with dignity and some respect for her. Everytime I feel like expressing my love her I remind myself...leaving her alone is showing love...and I do it daily. Even if I get a D...I will never contact her...she deserves so much more...and I will never again set her back on her road to happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
complicatedlife Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 I'm sure it did piss her off...when she was able to feel anger...I couldn't get her to stop crying either. I am not proud of how I handled that last day...all I can do know is handle this part with dignity and some respect for her. Everytime I feel like expressing my love her I remind myself...leaving her alone is showing love...and I do it daily. Even if I get a D...I will never contact her...she deserves so much more...and I will never again set her back on her road to happiness. This is interesting. May I ask why? Just curious. Link to post Share on other sites
Devil Inside Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 This is interesting. May I ask why? Just curious. Simply put...I don't deserve her. She will, no likely have moved on by that point, and I think me contacting her out of the blue will only bring up emotions and memories from a hard time in her life. Trust me...I would love nothing more than to spend my life with her...but I screwed that up when I didn't leave for her when I had the chance. I don't think she'll ever get over that...and I don't think I should ever put her in the position to ever have to relive those emotions. Link to post Share on other sites
Lostgurl Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Simply put...I don't deserve her. She will, no likely have moved on by that point, and I think me contacting her out of the blue will only bring up emotions and memories from a hard time in her life. Trust me...I would love nothing more than to spend my life with her...but I screwed that up when I didn't leave for her when I had the chance. I don't think she'll ever get over that...and I don't think I should ever put her in the position to ever have to relive those emotions. You are SICK... I feel so sorry for your wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Thornton Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 I think that it's disrespectful to end a relationship via email as it doesn't allow for a reasonable discussion and closure. Face-to-face is best (or phone if that's not possible) so you can talk about things and lay your issues to rest. Unless it's an extreme situation where you're actually afraid of him or afraid to see him, then you should have the decency to end it face-to-face. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 To be able to end a relationship with someone you love who loves you back you have to be really determined. For a long time after the break-up your heart is going to plead desperately with you to go back to your loved one, ie MM. This is probably going to be much harder to resist than the pleading of the MM. So a phone call or face-to-face is my opinion. If you need to write an email so as not to be reeled in again, you probably are not determined enough to make it anyway. That is how I look at it. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Simply put...I don't deserve her. She will, no likely have moved on by that point, and I think me contacting her out of the blue will only bring up emotions and memories from a hard time in her life. Trust me...I would love nothing more than to spend my life with her...but I screwed that up when I didn't leave for her when I had the chance. I don't think she'll ever get over that...and I don't think I should ever put her in the position to ever have to relive those emotions. DI, if I was your OW I would be sad if you deprived me of my choice if you did get a divorce. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 If an MM tries to change someone's mind, then he has no respect for her. Did you miss the bit where he changed her mind before when she dumped him? OP, send the email, block his phone numbers, email addresses, everything and start living. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Did you miss the bit where he changed her mind before when she dumped him? OP, send the email, block his phone numbers, email addresses, everything and start living. Start grieving is probably more spot on. Link to post Share on other sites
jasminetea Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Start grieving is probably more spot on. How to put a downer on her decision Link to post Share on other sites
Meaplus3 Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Honestly, I think a face to face meeting is the proper way to end things. That's just my suggestion. Good luck! Mea:) Link to post Share on other sites
torranceshipman Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 Seeing as he's lied to you and generally made your life a misery...NO he doesn't deserve any respect. Hey, at least you're sending the email, you could have just decided to go NC without even letting him know. This is about YOU now - looking after yourself and going NC and doing whatever it takes to look after yourself and move on without looking back. He had about 1000 chances and wasted them, so don't waste any time on the idiot. Plus, don't want to sounds harsh but...he has an entire family to take care of him/distract him, including a W in his bed every single night!!-so he's plenty taken care of already - he'll be fine. So in answer to your question, send the email then block him immediately. Link to post Share on other sites
jennie-jennie Posted August 24, 2009 Share Posted August 24, 2009 How to put a downer on her decision Being unrealistic about what's coming does not help in any way. Link to post Share on other sites
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