How do you stop something you don't want to end?

[ednadean]

 

 

That's tough. I wasn't seeing anyone when I was with MM, although I did have some drunken fun some nights (just kissing, nothing else). And although it was just kissing, I found myself comparing that to my MM. He was a GREAT kisser and those guys were just gross. Gosh, one time I went out with my best friend and a guy she had met that night and I was even comparing HIM to my MM -- and he wasn't even my date! It was bizarre. And all the while I was technically single, but my thoughts and my mind were on MM... so it becomes really hard to be interested in other people (although that didn't stop me from thinking guys were hot and stuff, LOL).

 

 

haha I'm in the same age range and can completely relate. My MM is the best kisser I've ever experienced [even though it's only happened once and gone no further] -- and seriously...all the single guys out there just pale in comparison in terms of intelligence, life experience, and chemistry.

 

Will I ever move on?!?!?!

 

I'm so glad you guys are on here! I would have gone insane otherwise.

[CarbonCopy]

Like your MM did, my MM does talk a lot about himself, much more than I do myself. He also doesn't seem all that interested in my life when it doesn't have to do with things we have in common or him. While that annoys me (seems an overwhelming number of men are selfish...) it doesn't bother me that I'm not opening up to him. I have others in my life I can talk about my problems with. He apparently does not have enough. Or, the people who he would normally talk about his problems with are part the problem...

 

Oh, yes. I'm surrounded by people who love to talk so I love to listen and I'm very good at it. And while I'm not BORING, my life is so stable and drama-free that there's really not TOO much to say unless something very out-of-the-blue happens. So I always let him talk (his wife is the ULTIMATE blabber, so I know she wasn't letting him get a word in) and I listened intently. He never really asked too much about me either, but when I would talk he did listen.

 

Who ended it? Or was it mutual? Did you say your A was only emotional, or physical as well?

 

He ended it over the phone!!! Coward. I'd been thinking about ending it recently, but I never mustered up the strength to do it, so he did it. Jerk. And it was emotional and physical, though not to get TMI, but we didn't really have much sex. So at least I'm comforted by that because I know I wasn't been used for that.

 

I admire you for not being in it anymore, though. From my vantage point, it would be kind of odd for MM not to be in my life, since he has been such a fixture in it for the last six months. So, I cannot even imagine how that would feel after a five-year friendship and more than year-long A.

 

Not much to admire here! Had he not ended it, I'm positive I would still be in this relationship, bitching about him not calling and not taking me out to dinner but putting up with it and still seeing him when he wanted. It's tough -- I was with him for almost 10 months. We had our little routine, you know? So I understand why you don't want to leave. I know that despite what everyone's telling you and despite the fact that you KNOW it should it, you just don't want it to. I totally get it. Just be prepared because it will likely not end well. It's good that you have a SG, though. I wish I had found someone while with MM -- it would have made the breakup and moving on easier.

[CarbonCopy]

haha I'm in the same age range and can completely relate. My MM is the best kisser I've ever experienced [even though it's only happened once and gone no further] -- and seriously...all the single guys out there just pale in comparison in terms of intelligence, life experience, and chemistry.

 

Will I ever move on?!?!?!

 

I'm so glad you guys are on here! I would have gone insane otherwise.

 

I've never felt with any other guy the way I've felt with my MM. It's so hard though because I've completely lost my trust in men. I never trusted them much in the first place, but after all this I think they're all the same -- they all lie, cheat, use, and ultimately only care about themselves. They are selfish creatures.

 

You're right that it's nice to talk about this with others that can relate. I always felt so bad burdening my best friend with my relationship issues, even though she didn't mind.

 

Hugs to all!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I've never felt with any other guy the way I've felt with my MM. It's so hard though because I've completely lost my trust in men. I never trusted them much in the first place, but after all this I think they're all the same -- they all lie, cheat, use, and ultimately only care about themselves. They are selfish creatures.

 

Yes, I have completely lost my trust in men as well. I have always been pretty skeptical but after being involved with MM (and listening to him tell me all about how all HIS married guy friends do the exact same thing...although he insists that we're different). I also worry that since I have become so skeptical I am not putting my all into my relationship with SG -- that I am not putting forth the best version of myself. Maybe I am saving that for MM.... And he does not deserve that considering the circumstances.

 

You're right that it's nice to talk about this with others that can relate. I always felt so bad burdening my best friend with my relationship issues, even though she didn't mind.

 

This has been SO, SO helpful for me. As an outlet at this point first and foremost but also the first step in realizing how ridiculous this all is. by posting about this and hearing your story, Ednadean's and others, it puts the negative parts at the A in the forefront of my mind when I am with MM -- hopefully ultimately convincing myself this is not worth it. But, like Ednadean said I think -- I am just not at the point where I want to end this.

 

Also, I barely talk about this with anyone else -- I finally told two of my girlfriends who are especially nonjudgmental but I still don't talk about it much with them, yet it takes up an unnecessarily large amount of my thoughts. My other close girlfriends were disgusted from the onset that I was even talking to him after he told he was was married. So, I have just stopped talking to them about him all together.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

haha I'm in the same age range and can completely relate. My MM is the best kisser I've ever experienced [even though it's only happened once and gone no further] -- and seriously...all the single guys out there just pale in comparison in terms of intelligence, life experience, and chemistry.

 

Will I ever move on?!?!?!

 

I'm so glad you guys are on here! I would have gone insane otherwise.

 

Yes, it's nice to talk with people in the same age range and situation -- those are often big things that differentiate As from what I have learned, anyway.

 

My MM and I had amazing chemistry from the onset -- something that I really don't know if I have ever experienced. I think we are both waiting for it to subside, and so far it hasn't. That's likely in part to the taboo sense of the A, but I do think there is genuine chemistry there (both physical and emotional.)

 

I try to look at it objectively -- that the SG I'm dating and others I've recently dated while being involved with MM...that they're just as good as MM I'm just clouded in my head b/c of my A with MM. I just can't see that, not at this point anyway.

 

I think we do put our MM up on a pedestal that they do not deserve, though. I know my MM has flaws and I have begun noticing them. Unfortunately, they are enduring to me, not a turn-off.

[mourningMM]

... but I'm happy to share what I did

 

1) I started looking around for a cute available distraction with which I had chemistry.

2) I cleaned my house.

3) I went to the doctor and made sure that I was in a position to enter a new relationship physically.

4) I went to my therapist, and made a few appointments.

5) I set up a vacation for two weeks with my family.

6) I lined up my female friends for two or three weeks of "events".

7) I told him we had two weeks to f**** our selves silly and get everything ...every deep dark fantasy we both wanted and every bright light romantic moment we hoped for OUT OF OUR SYSTEMS.

8) I asked him to give me a picture of his wife and kids...

 

AND I CRIED...LOTS. For a while, then the cute available distract kicked in, along with the really busy schedule. Every time I thought I might backslide, I looked at the family picture and thought to myself...what would my mother think of me. Then I looked in the mirror and though "get a grip" and I found my favorite toy.

 

We couldn't be friends, that would leave an unfulfilling EA out there to ruin our lives.

 

Of course, I did this AFTER we'd split and gotten back together a dozen times in a year...after two years of an affair. Read my threads sometimes...you'll get a good story. I found loveshack when he passed away.

 

Be strong, be brave, but most of all, BE PREPARED!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

7) I told him we had two weeks to f**** our selves silly and get everything ...every deep dark fantasy we both wanted and every bright light romantic moment we hoped for OUT OF OUR SYSTEMS.

8) I asked him to give me a picture of his wife and kids...

 

Did number 7 work for you? I've been thinking of just telling him that -- that we go away for a weekend (as he has suggested) and then we be done after that. I realize that is somewhat counterproductive since we would develop even more feelings for each other but I also don't NOT want to do it.

 

And, yes when I see the few pictures of him and his family (via my investigative Facebook skills, ha), It kills me inside. Those pictures creep into my head when I am with him and really doesn't make my time with him as good as it has been in the past. It ebbs and flows, of course, but the pictures make it ebb much more than flow. He does not know that I have seen those pictures though...

[CarbonCopy]

Yes, I have completely lost my trust in men as well. I have always been pretty skeptical but after being involved with MM (and listening to him tell me all about how all HIS married guy friends do the exact same thing...although he insists that we're different). I also worry that since I have become so skeptical I am not putting my all into my relationship with SG -- that I am not putting forth the best version of myself. Maybe I am saving that for MM.... And he does not deserve that considering the circumstances.

 

My MM never talked about his friends cheating and he always said this was his first affair. But I did make a comment one time to the extent of, "I think with the right person, right circumstances, right time, most men would cheat" and he agreed. So it's really hard for me to think that men are anything but opportunistic scumbags now. It's also made me reconsider whether or not I want to get married, since it seems like everyone's unfaithful!

 

Also, I barely talk about this with anyone else -- I finally told two of my girlfriends who are especially nonjudgmental but I still don't talk about it much with them, yet it takes up an unnecessarily large amount of my thoughts. My other close girlfriends were disgusted from the onset that I was even talking to him after he told he was was married. So, I have just stopped talking to them about him all together.

 

I told my two best friends, both girls, although I told I only recently told one of my best friend's the WHOLE story because I was afraid of her judging me... which is silly because she herself has cheated on a boyfriend.

 

I have to see him on Sunday and I don't know what to do. I don't know for SURE that he'll be there, but he probably will be. I don't know how to react. I think I'm over the crying for now, but I'm still so angry and hurt. Should I just ignore him and pretend he's not there? But he and his family sit RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!!!!!!! What a mess. Please help!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

My MM never talked about his friends cheating and he always said this was his first affair. But I did make a comment one time to the extent of, "I think with the right person, right circumstances, right time, most men would cheat" and he agreed. So it's really hard for me to think that men are anything but opportunistic scumbags now. It's also made me reconsider whether or not I want to get married, since it seems like everyone's unfaithful!!

 

Oh gosh it's just so ridiculous how much his friends do...he even says he was surprised how much his friends cheated...multiple "girlfriends," trips across the country, etc. etc., and these are not one-time things. So, yes, I have always been a bit skeptical of the "happily ever after" story...and this is making me even more skeptical of marriage. And, that is sad and somewhat depressing that I think that, but I don't think I'll really be able to notice the repercussions of this A until it's long over.

 

I have to see him on Sunday and I don't know what to do. I don't know for SURE that he'll be there, but he probably will be. I don't know how to react. I think I'm over the crying for now, but I'm still so angry and hurt. Should I just ignore him and pretend he's not there? But he and his family sit RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!!!!!!! What a mess. Please help!

 

So, this will be the first time you will see him until he ended it over the phone, yes? I wouldn't purposefully ignore him (i.e., avoiding eye contact, shooting mean glances his way, going a different direction/down a different aisle (you see him at church, right?)). What I would suggest you do is say hi if the chance presents itself, but don't go out of your way to do so -- of course. But, also don't go out of your to avoid him. If you can, chat up as many people as you can. Appear happy and act like it doesn't matter at all. Act like you don't care if you see him. Not that you just don't see him. Because that is not realistic.

 

I know that will be very hard -- but just remember that you only have to pretend for a little bit and can go back to being frustrated, sad and angry once you're out of that public situation w/ your MM and his family. He will wonder what you're thinking if it looks like you're not thinking much of anything serious in terms of your A. I don't think it will make him think you don't care about him. It will make him wonder why you're not more upset. I hope this helps!

[ednadean]

 

My MM and I had amazing chemistry from the onset -- something that I really don't know if I have ever experienced. I think we are both waiting for it to subside, and so far it hasn't. That's likely in part to the taboo sense of the A, but I do think there is genuine chemistry there (both physical and emotional.)

.

 

yup. I feel the same way. It's intense -- I've never felt that with anyone else chemistry-wise. Just when I think I might be getting over him I'll see him and a little part of me dies inside -- to know that he's not mine...and he never will be. I don't think it's that whole A thing either. I felt it the first time I met him years ago -- when I didn't know he was married.

 

*sigh* --- no excuse though.

[ednadean]

 

I have to see him on Sunday and I don't know what to do. I don't know for SURE that he'll be there, but he probably will be. I don't know how to react. I think I'm over the crying for now, but I'm still so angry and hurt. Should I just ignore him and pretend he's not there? But he and his family sit RIGHT BEHIND ME!!!!!!!!! What a mess. Please help!

 

 

oh goodness -- TRICKY.

don't ignore completely -- makes things awkward. Be perfectly calm, and sweet like meeting an old acquaintance. Think of it like an act you have to put on for a while. Don't let him see that you're upset -- it might restart things again.

 

HUGS!!!

[ednadean]

Also, I barely talk about this with anyone else -- I finally told two of my girlfriends who are especially nonjudgmental but I still don't talk about it much with them, yet it takes up an unnecessarily large amount of my thoughts. My other close girlfriends were disgusted from the onset that I was even talking to him after he told he was was married. So, I have just stopped talking to them about him all together.

 

 

I've never spoken to this to anyone outside the forum. I'm just too ashamed. OWs are seen by most people as the vilest women on earth...and personally, I think most of the time it's the OW that's used.

[CarbonCopy]

So, this will be the first time you will see him until he ended it over the phone, yes? I wouldn't purposefully ignore him (i.e., avoiding eye contact, shooting mean glances his way, going a different direction/down a different aisle (you see him at church, right?)). What I would suggest you do is say hi if the chance presents itself, but don't go out of your way to do so -- of course. But, also don't go out of your to avoid him. If you can, chat up as many people as you can. Appear happy and act like it doesn't matter at all. Act like you don't care if you see him. Not that you just don't see him. Because that is not realistic.

 

I know that will be very hard -- but just remember that you only have to pretend for a little bit and can go back to being frustrated, sad and angry once you're out of that public situation w/ your MM and his family. He will wonder what you're thinking if it looks like you're not thinking much of anything serious in terms of your A. I don't think it will make him think you don't care about him. It will make him wonder why you're not more upset. I hope this helps!

 

oh goodness -- TRICKY.

don't ignore completely -- makes things awkward. Be perfectly calm, and sweet like meeting an old acquaintance. Think of it like an act you have to put on for a while. Don't let him see that you're upset -- it might restart things again.

 

I don't know if I can hide how hurt and upset I am -- I mean, obviously I have to act as normal as possible since we will be in public, but I don't know if I can stop myself from giving him the cold shoulder and angry looks. I'm not good at pretending. When I'm angry or pissed at someone, it definitely shows.

 

And it sucks even more because today was bad for me -- I missed him SOOO much and even broke down and cried after not crying for a week. I was thinking about him (not that I haven't been thinking about him 24/7 anyway) and I saw on his wife's Facebook that they were going out tonight with the kids, which made it worse. I feel so weak. I don't want him back but at the same time I do.

 

This sucks.

[ednadean]

I don't know if I can hide how hurt and upset I am -- I mean, obviously I have to act as normal as possible since we will be in public, but I don't know if I can stop myself from giving him the cold shoulder and angry looks. I'm not good at pretending. When I'm angry or pissed at someone, it definitely shows.

 

And it sucks even more because today was bad for me -- I missed him SOOO much and even broke down and cried after not crying for a week. I was thinking about him (not that I haven't been thinking about him 24/7 anyway) and I saw on his wife's Facebook that they were going out tonight with the kids, which made it worse. I feel so weak. I don't want him back but at the same time I do.

 

This sucks.

 

oh sweetheart. hugs!!!!!!! times 100

 

go out for a run. he doesn't sound like he's worth your time.

 

Remember your own advice from the 3 pearls of wisdome post

 

3. Even if he says he's not using you, he still is. It might not be intentional and he might even develop some sort of feelings for you, but in the end he's just using you, whether it be for sex, affection, attention, whatever.

 

 

he was using you for his own gain. He's now moved on -- to where things are safe and stable and little effort. Obviously things weren't half as bad as he made them out to be. You can't help the pain that you feel -- but you can stop giving the ego boost it will give him to see that you cared -- that you got hurt. You poor thing -- can you get out of tonight? It might make you feel better.

 

 

you know...I think it's almost like a grieving process really. It takes time...and now that you've broken if off -- it's going to improve. Just don't take him back when he eventually gets bored again and comes grovelling. You're stronger and deserve so much more.

[CarbonCopy]

oh sweetheart. hugs!!!!!!! times 100

 

go out for a run. he doesn't sound like he's worth your time.

 

Remember your own advice from the 3 pearls of wisdome post

 

3. Even if he says he's not using you, he still is. It might not be intentional and he might even develop some sort of feelings for you, but in the end he's just using you, whether it be for sex, affection, attention, whatever.

 

 

he was using you for his own gain. He's now moved on -- to where things are safe and stable and little effort. Obviously things weren't half as bad as he made them out to be. You can't help the pain that you feel -- but you can stop giving the ego boost it will give him to see that you cared -- that you got hurt. You poor thing -- can you get out of tonight? It might make you feel better.

 

 

you know...I think it's almost like a grieving process really. It takes time...and now that you've broken if off -- it's going to improve. Just don't take him back when he eventually gets bored again and comes grovelling. You're stronger and deserve so much more.

 

Thanks for the encouragement, ednadean! It really helps.

 

It's a Friday night and I'm at home watching the US Open on tv. I was sipping on some vodka before just to relax. I wouldn't have minded going out tonight, but my friends are all unavailable.

 

He never said his marriage was bad. In fact, I don't think it is (or was). His wife is a nice person and a good mother, but she's very into being "A MOM" to her little ones so I think he feels neglected and unappreciated. Also, as I previously mentioned, she talks so damn much that I think he can barely get a word in sometimes and I also don't think she's the best listener. So yes, I realize he was using me for the attention and affection that he likely isn't getting much from at home.

 

But why do I still want him?! I don't understand. I know I deserve better, I know I deserve someone whom I can have a real relationship with, but I'm having such a hard time letting go. I can't stop thinking about him. Ugh.

 

At least the crying stopped, though.

 

to all of you!

[ednadean]

Thanks for the encouragement, ednadean! It really helps.

 

It's a Friday night and I'm at home watching the US Open on tv. I was sipping on some vodka before just to relax. I wouldn't have minded going out tonight, but my friends are all unavailable.

 

He never said his marriage was bad. In fact, I don't think it is (or was). His wife is a nice person and a good mother, but she's very into being "A MOM" to her little ones so I think he feels neglected and unappreciated. Also, as I previously mentioned, she talks so damn much that I think he can barely get a word in sometimes and I also don't think she's the best listener. So yes, I realize he was using me for the attention and affection that he likely isn't getting much from at home.

 

But why do I still want him?! I don't understand. I know I deserve better, I know I deserve someone whom I can have a real relationship with, but I'm having such a hard time letting go. I can't stop thinking about him. Ugh.

 

At least the crying stopped, though.

 

to all of you!

 

Any time!!!

Of course you want him -- you still have chemistry together, his fantasy was part of your real life, you're single and effectively, you've been dumped -- but not because he doesn't 'love' you [like a normal breakup] but because of these extraneous variables that you can't control/change. You miss the attention, the fact that you were #1 in someone's life. It's NATURAL. That's what we ALL go through -- well -- me anyway

 

That and thee fact that you can't have him anymore. It's liable to make someone go nuts. Also -- the fact that you always have this "if he was single...he'd be perfect, we'd be perfect together" -- and the fact that even though he might have been using you -- he doesn't sound like a bad person.

 

The REALITY is though that even though he might be amazing -- he's unavailable and he's made his choice and it sucks -- and it hurts --- but you can't let yourself get hurt by it -- because he doesn't deserve you -- and certainly doesn't deserve your tears!!!

 

I'm feeling exactly the same as you -- if that helps

[CarbonCopy]

Any time!!!

Of course you want him -- you still have chemistry together, his fantasy was part of your real life, you're single and effectively, you've been dumped -- but not because he doesn't 'love' you [like a normal breakup] but because of these extraneous variables that you can't control/change. You miss the attention, the fact that you were #1 in someone's life. It's NATURAL. That's what we ALL go through -- well -- me anyway

 

That and thee fact that you can't have him anymore. It's liable to make someone go nuts. Also -- the fact that you always have this "if he was single...he'd be perfect, we'd be perfect together" -- and the fact that even though he might have been using you -- he doesn't sound like a bad person.

 

The REALITY is though that even though he might be amazing -- he's unavailable and he's made his choice and it sucks -- and it hurts --- but you can't let yourself get hurt by it -- because he doesn't deserve you -- and certainly doesn't deserve your tears!!!

 

I'm feeling exactly the same as you -- if that helps

 

Yes, you're right. I miss the attention, I miss being with him, I'n upset that he was the one to break things off instead of me, etc. And you're also right that he's not a bad person. He might not have treated me the best, but he NEVER did anything to *intentionally* hurt me, he's a great dad, and I guess he's a good husband (or as good as you can be while cheating on your wife, haha). And I do think he had, or has, feelings for me, but obviously mine were a lot stronger. So no, he wasn't a complete dirtbag or anything like that.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting too!!! I don't know your story too well -- can you elaborate? Do you still see/talk to your MM? How long has it been over for?

 

I wish I could PM, but I don't think I have enough posts. But it's so nice to have somewhere to go to for support!!!

 

[georgia girl]

God, I feel for you. You very probably love this man and now, ending it when you don't have to just opens up a world of hurt that you would be choosing to put yourself through.

 

First, remember that while you're entering a tunnel of hurt, there's an exit to the tunnel where happiness will be back in your life.

 

Maybe more importantly, however, is the hurt you will be saving yourself. You posted this because you are aware you have feelings and you are also very likely aware that a long-term relationship won't work out. So, it has to end sometime. You're choosing now vs. later, when your feelings will be more intense.

 

Walking away will be the hardest thing you ever do and when you do it, I advise strict no contact so you can get away from all of the emotion. Give yourself a week, and you'll feel a little stronger. A month, even stronger.

 

Find a counselor, take up a healthy habit and reconnect with old friends. Sit down today and make a plan on how you're going to fill your life without your partner. Then, you can do this. You sound like a strong person. Best of luck to you.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Carbon Copy -- In case you read this before tomorrow morning, here is some more suggestions as to how you should handle tomorrow...I do hope you've considered pretending (as hard as it may be) as if you're not bothered by his actions. I know that is really hard...but trust me, that is way, way better than shooting mean glances his way. For a couple of reasons: 1) By not showing any obvious emotions (either way), you leave him wondering: "well, what is she thinking? We just ended an affair that lasted nearly a year? She has got to be thinking about me right? Why isn't she thinking about me?. 2) Considering your age difference, you appearing visibly upset by his presence will only enhance the fact that you're young and much more experienced than he is on nearly almost every level (coming from someone who knows allllllll too well what it's like to be emotionally (and, in my case, physically) attached to a man nearly 15 years older than me. 3) If he is truly not interested in you at all and you don't show any emotion, you're doing the entire situation a good deed by prolonging the situation. If he is content on leaving your A entirely, and he sees you upset...he will feel either pity or anger towards -- two emotions you DO NOT want.

 

I hope this helps. That is, if you read it before tomorrow!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Any time!!!

Of course you want him -- you still have chemistry together, his fantasy was part of your real life, you're single and effectively, you've been dumped -- but not because he doesn't 'love' you [like a normal breakup] but because of these extraneous variables that you can't control/change. You miss the attention, the fact that you were #1 in someone's life. It's NATURAL. That's what we ALL go through -- well -- me anyway

 

That and thee fact that you can't have him anymore. It's liable to make someone go nuts. Also -- the fact that you always have this "if he was single...he'd be perfect, we'd be perfect together" -- and the fact that even though he might have been using you -- he doesn't sound like a bad person.

 

The REALITY is though that even though he might be amazing -- he's unavailable and he's made his choice and it sucks -- and it hurts --- but you can't let yourself get hurt by it -- because he doesn't deserve you -- and certainly doesn't deserve your tears!!!

 

I'm feeling exactly the same as you -- if that helps

 

Reading the exchange between you two makes me dread what is to come for me. We are still "together" at this point. But, as we all know too well, it will only end badly. We make these excuses for these men, saying that they'd be perfect if only they were ours and didn't cheat on us. You're right that it is just like being dumped...which is one reason why I've stayed in this A as long as I have (six months). Because, really, I have been dumped before and I survived just fine. I don't want to settle down right now so I have always known that this A would end at some point. What makes As different from regular Rs though, is the integrity we lose when it ends. I think it was poster Taylor who said earlier on in this thread that that's what will really change a person who has been an A -- the lost of integrity. We didn't just get dumped by a MM, we also disrupted a marriage of two people and a family of, say, two kids. It's much worse. I acknowledge that. YET, here I am -- still thinking about him. Still wondering what it would be like if we did this together or that together.

 

I hope both of you can take your As ending as a sign to start moving on with your life with people who deserve to be in your life. I said on another post how I feel like I am battling my two different selves -- the one before the A and the one now, during. I don't think I have drastically changed per se, but my ability to draw the moral lines has blurred. And, I don't know how to get back to my former self. I hope you see this as a (forced) chance to start seeing clearly again.

 

I'm right in the middle of this battle and have no idea who is winning. I go either way depending on what day it is. I just wish he would end things. At first, I know I would be sad, but I would move on. the man I was with before this hurt me more than this MM can -- at least at this point. But, it's ridiculous to let a decision that so profoundly affects ME be made by someone else. I think that happens all too often in As.

 

Carbon Copy -- even though HE ended things, don't dwell upon that notion -- the fact of the matter is that it ended and most likely had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his marriage. Use this as an opportunity to start reflecting back upon how you got into that situation and how you can make sure to not do it again. Clearly, this is all easier said than done. And, I'll admit -- I am hoping that at some point I'm going to take my own advice.

[CarbonCopy]

Carbon Copy -- In case you read this before tomorrow morning, here is some more suggestions as to how you should handle tomorrow...I do hope you've considered pretending (as hard as it may be) as if you're not bothered by his actions. I know that is really hard...but trust me, that is way, way better than shooting mean glances his way. For a couple of reasons: 1) By not showing any obvious emotions (either way), you leave him wondering: "well, what is she thinking? We just ended an affair that lasted nearly a year? She has got to be thinking about me right? Why isn't she thinking about me?. 2) Considering your age difference, you appearing visibly upset by his presence will only enhance the fact that you're young and much more experienced than he is on nearly almost every level (coming from someone who knows allllllll too well what it's like to be emotionally (and, in my case, physically) attached to a man nearly 15 years older than me. 3) If he is truly not interested in you at all and you don't show any emotion, you're doing the entire situation a good deed by prolonging the situation. If he is content on leaving your A entirely, and he sees you upset...he will feel either pity or anger towards -- two emotions you DO NOT want.

 

I hope this helps. That is, if you read it before tomorrow!

 

Thank you so much, CTE!!! I've decided that I'm just not going to pay attention to him. If he wants to say hi to me then I'll say hi back, but I won't engage in conversation. I don't really have anything to say to him. I won't say I'll go out of my way to avoid him, but I'll try my best to keep myself occupied with other people (and I know that won't be hard to do since we haven't been to church in a couple of weeks and people will be asking us where we were and stuff). But I know myself and I know that if he says hi my eyes are going to show SOME kind of emotion -- my eyes unfortunately ALWAYS give me away, so that won't be something I can control. But I will try my best to play it cool. Wish me luck!

 

Carbon Copy -- even though HE ended things, don't dwell upon that notion -- the fact of the matter is that it ended and most likely had nothing to do with you and everything to do with his marriage. Use this as an opportunity to start reflecting back upon how you got into that situation and how you can make sure to not do it again. Clearly, this is all easier said than done. And, I'll admit -- I am hoping that at some point I'm going to take my own advice.

 

It definitely wasn't me -- he even said so. He said I was a great girl and that he'd love to be with me, but he was afraid of getting caught, he thought it wasn't fair to me, blah blah. But yes, I've been doing a lot of reflecting and I'm trying my best to be a stronger person when it comes to him.

 

I said on another post how I feel like I am battling my two different selves -- the one before the A and the one now, during. I don't think I have drastically changed per se, but my ability to draw the moral lines has blurred. And, I don't know how to get back to my former self. I hope you see this as a (forced) chance to start seeing clearly again.

 

I agree with you -- having an affair really messes with your sense of morality. I was always a person who got annoyed with people who said, "NEVER SAY NEVER." I always thought, yes, you CAN say with certainty that you'd never do something and stick to it. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I don't want to get too TMI, but before MM I had very limited sexual experience BY CHOICE. More hahahahaha. I threw all my morals and values out for a MARRIED MAN and I felt soooo horrible. Like, WTF is wrong with me?!?

[ednadean]

Yes, you're right. I miss the attention, I miss being with him, I'n upset that he was the one to break things off instead of me, etc. And you're also right that he's not a bad person. He might not have treated me the best, but he NEVER did anything to *intentionally* hurt me, he's a great dad, and I guess he's a good husband (or as good as you can be while cheating on your wife, haha). And I do think he had, or has, feelings for me, but obviously mine were a lot stronger. So no, he wasn't a complete dirtbag or anything like that.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting too!!! I don't know your story too well -- can you elaborate? Do you still see/talk to your MM? How long has it been over for?

 

I wish I could PM, but I don't think I have enough posts. But it's so nice to have somewhere to go to for support!!!

 

 

oh -- I'm a little tough cookie don't worry about me -- I am pretty miserable right now though. But I haven't had any contact for a while -- which is helping me get over things.

 

I met him through work -- he was a lot older than me -- and we mainly conversed via email for years. It never really entered into my thoughts that he could possible have feelings for me. He was a family man as far as I was concerned. Things developed over time though and it all came out one drunken night and I felt the same and the chemistry was incredible. Serioudly. I've never felt that with anyone...ever.

We have very similar personalities. That was followed up by feelings of intense guilt by both of us, but we still always managed to get stolen moments out of our work schedule to see each other. He always spoke to me about his family. He'd been miserable in his marriage for a while.

 

Things were pretty full on as far as EAs go. Seeing each other a lot. Just talking mainly. He was so full on that at the time, that at one point I was actually getting a bit dismissive about him and the R. I guess I assumed the level of adoration would last forever. Anyway -- I went away on a work trip for a few weeks -- where it really hit me that I LOVED this man. While I was away I think he realised that he LOVED his family...and the contact dropped suddenly and visibly. Now I'm lucky to get a contact a week....which was from several times a day. I still send him pieces of communication because I genuinely don't want to lose him as a friend. It's so hard because I think about him all the time -- but at the same time can't tell him. It's weird because ONe of the things I'm happy about on one hand IS that he's refocused on what's important...but then...I realise that I don't have him....and I start spiralling down again. BUt then I realise I could never have had him anyway, as I know a D would have broken him and his family...and broken me too in a way. So complicated.

 

It's hell. At least he has something to focus on you know? I only have memories of him and fantasties of what it could be like....

[CarbonCopy]

oh -- I'm a little tough cookie don't worry about me -- I am pretty miserable right now though. But I haven't had any contact for a while -- which is helping me get over things.

 

I met him through work -- he was a lot older than me -- and we mainly conversed via email for years. It never really entered into my thoughts that he could possible have feelings for me. He was a family man as far as I was concerned. Things developed over time though and it all came out one drunken night and I felt the same and the chemistry was incredible. Serioudly. I've never felt that with anyone...ever.

We have very similar personalities. That was followed up by feelings of intense guilt by both of us, but we still always managed to get stolen moments out of our work schedule to see each other. He always spoke to me about his family. He'd been miserable in his marriage for a while.

 

Things were pretty full on as far as EAs go. Seeing each other a lot. Just talking mainly. He was so full on that at the time, that at one point I was actually getting a bit dismissive about him and the R. I guess I assumed the level of adoration would last forever. Anyway -- I went away on a work trip for a few weeks -- where it really hit me that I LOVED this man. While I was away I think he realised that he LOVED his family...and the contact dropped suddenly and visibly. Now I'm lucky to get a contact a week....which was from several times a day. I still send him pieces of communication because I genuinely don't want to lose him as a friend. It's so hard because I think about him all the time -- but at the same time can't tell him. It's weird because ONe of the things I'm happy about on one hand IS that he's refocused on what's important...but then...I realise that I don't have him....and I start spiralling down again. BUt then I realise I could never have had him anyway, as I know a D would have broken him and his family...and broken me too in a way. So complicated.

 

It's hell. At least he has something to focus on you know? I only have memories of him and fantasties of what it could be like....

 

Awe, ednadean. I'm so sorry!!! Is it hard to work with him? Do you see him everyday? I don't think I could work with my MM. It's bad enough that I have to see him once a week now, but to see him 5 times a week? No way.

 

I'm so sorry, but it is for the best. I think about my MM all the time, too. I honestly don't know how to get him out of my head.

 

It's best that contact gradually stops. I think the little contact that you have now might subconsciously still give you hope and is making it harder to let him go. Are you the one contacting him or is he contacting you?

 

I don't understand why or how we all found ourselves in situations like this. You, me, and Contemplating are all young, single, successful women with our whole lives ahead of us. What were we thinking getting involved with this older married men?!

 

Oh, and an update -- church was fine! Thank God. I just completely avoided him -- I barely even saw his face!!! Oh, and I know this is mean, but he got laid off from work (he has a union job as a contractor so getting laid off is part of the profession) and I couldn't help but think HAHA. I know, that's mean considering he has a family and a house and bills, but... yes, I'm being petty right now, but I don't care!

 

to all!

[sadintexas]

The initial intense physical chemistry just isn't there with the single guy. And, I had chemistry with MM even before I knew he was married

 

Since you were never seeing anyone when you were w/ MM, maybe it was b/c your mind was solely on your MM...do you think that's possible? That is what I fear the most -- that I am sacrificing an amazing relationship with an available man by spending my time and energy and thoughts on a married man.

 

I am assuming you were not involved with anyone that you had feelings for when you became attracted to and then involved with MM...is that correct? It would make sense to me that you may be lacking chemistry with the single guy because you had already developed feelings for MM.

 

I think chemistry is not just a "chemical reaction". There are different components...the "wow" factor as in s/he is really attractive, and then the behavior that we start attributing qualities to. An action, a fact (or perceived fact), whether it be a good gesture, a perception that he's a good businessman or father, or the sound of the voice, or the way he walks, or whatever that for some reason raises their attractiveness to US a bar or two. And this can all happen in a VERY short period of time, i.e. the first meeting or two. That's all contained in our own grey matter and is perpetuated by US. It's natural selection and something we do with everyone. I mean if you met a guy and had the wow factor with him and then he turned around and kicked a dog, you wouldn't think he was so attractive anymore and your brain would reject "chemistry" between the two of you. Your basic instinct would tell you that this man is not suitable as a mate. Does that make sense?

 

So now, you have feelings for and an attraction to MM (and I think you're already getting in fairly deep and are here trying to rationalize why you aren't, looking for a reason NOT to be, and possibly/secretively for some hope as to why you can continue to be) and you meet SM (single man). You're already focused on MM. You're already emotionally involved and attached to MM. SM didn't have the same chance that MM had. Consider if it had been the other way around and you'd been with SM first and that chemistry had a chance? Then you met MM. Do you think you would be giving up an R with a good SM to have an A with a MM that can most likely never really be with you?

 

Bottom line is you will have to resolve your feelings about MM before you can open your heart to anyone else. And yes, you will most likely let great opportunities pass you by while you are involved with MM.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I am assuming you were not involved with anyone that you had feelings for when you became attracted to and then involved with MM...is that correct? It would make sense to me that you may be lacking chemistry with the single guy because you had already developed feelings for MM.

 

So now, you have feelings for and an attraction to MM (and I think you're already getting in fairly deep and are here trying to rationalize why you aren't, looking for a reason NOT to be, and possibly/secretively for some hope as to why you can continue to be) and you meet SM (single man). You're already focused on MM. You're already emotionally involved and attached to MM. SM didn't have the same chance that MM had. Consider if it had been the other way around and you'd been with SM first and that chemistry had a chance? Then you met MM. Do you think you would be giving up an R with a good SM to have an A with a MM that can most likely never really be with you?

 

Yes, you're right. I met SM after I met MM and after feelings -- both physical and emotional -- have already developed. So, he doesn't stand a chance. Maybe I can date them both, but I've already discovered once things become physical with SM my mind wanders to MM. That will eventually become obvious to SM if it isn't already. If it had been the other way around, I suppose it would depend on how developed my feelings were with SM. I was actually very casually (read: once every several weeks) seeing this guy who I did have great conversations and chemistry with. But, then I met MM and blew off that guy for MM (I did not know he was married at the time.) So, in a way, I've already missed out on a great opportunity and I regret that every time I think about that.

 

I appreciate your insight and advice, SadinTexas, I feel like I am getting closer every day to ending this. Sometimes I write out what I want to say to MM, and I am now writing a message saying we need to talk about how we can end things w/o hurting either one of us or his family. I tried once ending things by sending a really long, rambling e-mail, which obviously didn't go well. So, I am trying this approach. Maybe NC would be best, but honestly -- I am the type of person who needs at least some closure (I hate that word and realize it has no role in As, but for lack of a better word) I would hate it if he ended things w/o talking to me first.