How do you stop something you don't want to end?

[whichwayisup]

mines favourite lines were that she is "heart on sleeve" and that we should be open and honest in our relationship, shes been less than open and honest i know shes lied to me about weddings shes attended when she said shes gone alone only for me to find out later shes gone with her husband. she tellsme she lied so as not to hurt my feelings. I think shes just a callous bitch i cant trust a thing shes said to me now for the last year and a half. if i find out shes started another affair,im definately telling her husband. i will not be made a fool of by anyone!!!!

 

Are you still with her? If so, just end it! Don't bother telling her husband..You certainly have had no qualms having an affair with her knowing she was married from day one, so you only would tell her husband out of spite, to hurt her, not to really benefit him. He (her husband) has never been a thought in your head until you realized she's lying to you as well.. People who are married and cheat, LIE. Not only to their spouses, but to their OM/OW as well. I don't know why you're surprised.

[Dexter Morgan]

I actually just feel betrayed,everything she said she was going to do, she didnt, leave her husband dismiss her family that she said she felt didnt appreciate her.

 

So you actually wanted her to "dimiss her family"???? are you kidding us?

 

She told you she felt that her own children didn't appreciate her? First off, she needs a reality check. NO KIDS really realize how much they need to appreciate their parents. Thats kids for you.

 

I can't believe you expected her to do so, and she was saying she was "dismissing" her children. As a father I would NEVER feel that way about my children. And trust me, I don't feel my kids really ever appreciate me either. But they are kids.

 

 

Ive stood by her for a year and a half only to be treated now with her cool emotionless bank manager attitude.

 

maybe thats because all of her talk about not being appreciated was a load of s##t to begin with to gain sympathy from another man.

 

 

I wake every morning knowing i could have had a child and made her happy.

 

why? only for her to feel unappreciated in the future by another child of hers? And yes, you too. No matter how magical you think you are that somehow you can make this cold bank manager happy with another committed relationship once the 7 year itch sets in.

 

 

i understand it may be her hormones and loss but. i still think she has just led me on to feed her own selfish wants.

 

I'd say thats exactly what she did.

 

 

I have always felt sorry for her husband because i dont like lying to anyone, but she made him out to be unthoughtfull and callous.

 

now perhaps you are thinking she lied about him and what she said was a load of crap? think about it. you think she is going to get you in bed by telling you that her husband is a wonderful man?

 

Thats what cheaters do. They tear down their spouse, partner, to get someone else to think to themselves, "hmmm...he/she is unhappy...I bet I can get them in bed"

 

I feel sick to my stomach with rage anxiety depression endless sadness and melancholy. Dont do it guys unless she leaves himin the first week she never will

 

ever thought about telling her husband?

[Dexter Morgan]

I think I can speak for a lot of people in As when I say that not everyone who cheats -- whether married or not -- are sons of bitches.

 

no...they are absolute saints for cheating on their spouses:rolleyes:

 

 

My MM is a good person who is being unfaithful to both his wife and kids.

 

set aside how you might think cheating on your spouse reflects on one's character. A good person betrays their own children????

 

 

That means he's doing something wrong, he's not a bad person.

 

well ok then....keep making excuses for him.

 

 

 

Some people who cheat are bad people, I realize that. And, maybe in my clouded view from this A, I am convinced my MM is a good person when he is really not. After coming on here I have become more skeptical of his motives.

 

nope...you can't be skeptical of his motives....he is a good person..remember? you can't have it both ways.

 

Either he is a good person without any despicable motives...or he is not.

[Dexter Morgan]

I am by no means saying he is a saint. There is a BIG difference between that and just being a decent person.

 

 

sorry, decent people don't cheat on their spouse and kids.

[ednadean]

take my advice, and leave himor her now. at least youll be in control of your emotions, she or he will have the security blanket of their family to rely on where as you will have nothing, but feelings off betrayal lonliness and anxiety.

 

this is true. that's why I think its much more common for the MM/MW to leave the OP -- because they have everything set up and ready when they move on. And why it's SO hard for the OP to get over the A -- because we all go home alone...with the loss of the affection and attention to boot!

[Solear]

So you actually wanted her to "dimiss her family"???? are you kidding us?

 

She told you she felt that her own children didn't appreciate her? First off, she needs a reality check. NO KIDS really realize how much they need to appreciate their parents. Thats kids for you.

 

I can't believe you expected her to do so, and she was saying she was "dismissing" her children. As a father I would NEVER feel that way about my children. And trust me, I don't feel my kids really ever appreciate me either. But they are kids.

 

There her step kids and theyre not young theyre in their twentys.

 

I'm not with her anymore after a year and a half of her plattitudes she told me she cant leave her family.

 

Ive always talked to her about her husband, and suggested he behaves the way he does because he may suspect her of being unfaithful. at the beginning i wanted them to work things out or for her to just leave him. but the only way for her to be with me was for me to run away with her but i refused and told her we must see that we are right for one another. Id been waiting a year for her to leave him in as much an honest way as she can, now im left lonely and rejected after a year of patience.

[Dexter Morgan]

There her step kids and theyre not young theyre in their twentys.

 

well thats a far cry from just simply stating "her family". the above isn't really what i would consider HER family.

 

 

I'm not with her anymore after a year and a half of her plattitudes she told me she cant leave her family.

 

then I guess they aren't the downright ingrates she makes them out to be then.

 

she is a liar....cheaters always are.

 

 

Ive always talked to her about her husband, and suggested he behaves the way he does because he may suspect her of being unfaithful.

 

well maybe that pissed her off that you said that

[ednadean]

thanks, Ednadean, this does help. I am the same way -- I never open up in relationships and my MM is almost always the one to reach out first. We certainly have more than just an EA, though. I actually didn't know he was married when I met him and it was more of a physical attraction. And, that turned into an EA as well.

 

I agree that the hardest part about it all is seeing them in their other lives. They have an entire life without us. Hell, his kids are -- of course -- a HUGE part of his life. Presumably, they're the most important people in his life. Yet, I know nothing about them other than the few things he has said. So, while we may have an intense affair on both the physical and emotional level, we're still missing so much of what we would have if we weren't having an A.

 

The problem is -- and one reason why I find myself not wanting to leave this situation -- is because I rarely ever see him in his "other" life. The only thing I have to go off of are v. few Facebook pictures. While we live in the same city, our social circles couldn't be more different (it's the age thing...). And, we talk about everything BUT his family so other than that huge part, we do have well-rounded conversations. So, I keep telling myself that I just need to make myself run into him with his family so I can sabotage this A and force both of us to end it. I do not have the strength nor the desire to leave. And, I admit that while realizing how heartless and very, very selfish that is.

 

Also, as a side note -- it's so ironic how much my intensity and concern with this A ebbs and flows with work. When I am busy, I hardly have time to worry about it and when I'm not -- it's all I think about it. Again, that's selfish and the wrongness of the A doesn't ebb and flow with my work, but from my perspective when I'm not as busy is the only time I reflect on it...

 

 

yes -- be careful though -- because at some point the "I never contact you" isn't going to be a source of power for you -- but will turn into a source of power for him over you [i.e. he starts to see you as a puppy who will always come when he bids -- and you can exercise no control over when he can come to you]

 

Yes -- when I was really really busy the EA was far from my mind -- now that I have a little more spare time -- I find myself totally obsessing all day about it.

 

Hmm -- I'm not sure the whole sabotaging the A by running into his family is the best idea -- there may be quite a bit of collateral damage -- and you may get involved in something you don't want to. I would try and end it when you're ready to -- on your own terms. goodluck!

[lonelyandfrustrated]

It definitely exposes qualities in a person that are bad -- most importantly, lying to his wife/family about his whereabouts -- but I don't think it makes him, say, a bad father to his kids.

 

No, of course not. It only makes him a lying, absent father to his kids. Kids LOVE that, they grow up all kinds of well-adjusted from this kind of parenting.

 

SRSLY????

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

This article about being the OW was posted on another thread. Worth a read, whether you agree with it or not.

 

This part was especially enlightening to me w/ regards to how MM (or MW in an A) lie:

 

"The thing I cannot stress enough is how much you will be lied to. The person you love will be telling you lies almost constantly. It is not that they are essentially bad, it is that they will over time get used to lying to spare feelings whilst protecting themselves. And do remember that in the midst of such emotional turmoil, they will have no option but to start considering only themselves. In the end they will find lying to everyone second nature, even though it may be cutting them up emotionally. A married lover simply wants to sit on the fence and never make a decision. They want you to decide for them which of course you cannot. You could demand that they leave their partner for you once and for all, but in doing so you are now standing in the firing line."

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

yes -- be careful though -- because at some point the "I never contact you" isn't going to be a source of power for you -- but will turn into a source of power for him over you [i.e. he starts to see you as a puppy who will always come when he bids -- and you can exercise no control over when he can come to you]

 

Yes -- when I was really really busy the EA was far from my mind -- now that I have a little more spare time -- I find myself totally obsessing all day about it.

 

Hmm -- I'm not sure the whole sabotaging the A by running into his family is the best idea -- there may be quite a bit of collateral damage -- and you may get involved in something you don't want to. I would try and end it when you're ready to -- on your own terms. goodluck!

 

You are right on all accounts. He knows I don't contact him but yet I always respond when he reaches out to me. The more my feelings for him grow the less this arrangement (of me not contacting him) will work in my favor.

 

Yeah, I know the running into his family thought would never pan out the way I would imagine. And, it's clearly a very selfish thought as well. While this A is teaching me many, many things about people and relationships, the one thing it has instilled in me the most so far is how incredibly selfish people can be.

[CarbonCopy]

yes -- be careful though -- because at some point the "I never contact you" isn't going to be a source of power for you -- but will turn into a source of power for him over you [i.e. he starts to see you as a puppy who will always come when he bids -- and you can exercise no control over when he can come to you]

 

This is soooooo true. I rarely called my MM on the phone for several different reasons (didn't know if he was working or at home, didn't know if he was busy, etc) so he did most of the calling 95% of the time. I was fine with it in the beginning and it worked because he called me every day as he was coming home from work... so I was hearing from him at least 5 times a week and it was great.

 

Then he lost his Monday-Friday job and naturally the availability for him to call me decreased. Honestly it was REALLY hard to go from hearing from him every weekday to hearing from him once or twice a week when he worked during the weekends. But I was still hearing from him pretty consistently so it was ok.

 

Then the weekend job disappeared too and he was home with the wife and kids all day, so the phone calls were sporadic and random. He'd go a week, two weeks without calling and it would kill me -- but I excused his actions because I understood that it was difficult for him to make time for me while being home with his family.

 

Although the reality of the situation is that when you're really into someone, when you really care about a person, you MAKE time for them. I KNOW he could have called me while he was out running errands. I KNOW he wasn't with his wife and kids 24/7 and that he DID get out of the house to do things. But he didn't want to call me. It wasn't *convenient for him*. He didn't care that he left me hanging in the wind. He didn't care that it bothered me a lot to not hear from him. He just DIDN'T CARE, period. I let him know that it bothered me and, of course, he gave me a ton of reasons as to why he wasn't calling -- and still I excused it. It upset me, but I excused his actions once again.

 

See, when you're an OW, you begin to excuse a lot of things. You put up with so much that you normally wouldn't with in a regular relationship. I can't tell you how happy, how estatic I got when he could call me after not hearing from him in a week or two, sometimes even more. Would a phonecall once a week be acceptable in a NORMAL RELATIONSHIP? NO!!! But this becomes so routine in a relationship with a married man that we eventually accept it and that's not right.

 

ContemplatingTheEnd, I would try and get out of this as soon as possible. My relationship with my MM was somewhat similar in that he was also older than me by 12 years and I also didn't want him leaving his wife (for many reasons). Our affair was never about having him all to myself, it was never about him promising to leave or divorce her (and even if I wanted that he would never do it anyway). I really don't know what it was all about, but I ended up falling for him and all he did was just hurt me.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

ContemplatingTheEnd, I would try and get out of this as soon as possible. My relationship with my MM was somewhat similar in that he was also older than me by 12 years and I also didn't want him leaving his wife (for many reasons). Our affair was never about having him all to myself, it was never about him promising to leave or divorce her (and even if I wanted that he would never do it anyway). I really don't know what it was all about, but I ended up falling for him and all he did was just hurt me.

 

All that is so accurate. I have no idea why I'm in this A. And, while he hasn't reached the point of hurting me yet, I suppose it's inevitable. I have been coming closer and closer to realizing there is absolutely no reason (not that there ever was) for me to be in this relationship, aside from the obvious reasons that he's MM and betraying his family while he's with me.

 

CarbonCopy: May I ask...how long did yours last? And, how did it ultimate end?

 

Mine has been going on for about six months and we talk/text a couple times a week, but it's not typically a daily occurrence. I find it that the longer I don't hear from him, the less I think about him. (sometimes it is true: out of sight, out of mind). But, then when I do hear from him, all the feelings, excitement, attraction coming rushing back and I'm back at square one.

[ednadean]

 

See, when you're an OW, you begin to excuse a lot of things. You put up with so much that you normally wouldn't with in a regular relationship. I can't tell you how happy, how estatic I got when he could call me after not hearing from him in a week or two, sometimes even more. Would a phonecall once a week be acceptable in a NORMAL RELATIONSHIP? NO!!! But this becomes so routine in a relationship with a married man that we eventually accept it and that's not right.

 

ContemplatingTheEnd, I would try and get out of this as soon as possible. My relationship with my MM was somewhat similar in that he was also older than me by 12 years and I also didn't want him leaving his wife (for many reasons). Our affair was never about having him all to myself, it was never about him promising to leave or divorce her (and even if I wanted that he would never do it anyway). I really don't know what it was all about, but I ended up falling for him and all he did was just hurt me.

 

What amazes me is the common experienes so many OW have! CCopy -- reading you posts you really could be talking about me. The "I never contact him" rule for me was great because

a) it felt like I was doing nothing wrong -- or at least not initiating anything wrong

b) it was a nice ego boost to always be the one to get called/contacted

c) it wasn't practical to contact him -- because I didn't know if he was home or not

 

or course, if anything ever goes wrong in your life -- or you just feel like seeing him for whatever reason -- you can't contact him -- that's when the fun stops...and you realise that he can effectively "break up" with you without so much as having a conversation about it.

 

You're also right...OW excuse so many things --- sometimes because they want to -- but other times because things are so strange in an A. For example -- I would feel sick if he were to, for example, take me out instead of spending the day with his children [hypothetical example only] -- but you get the idea. It's different. I started feeling this WEIRD feeling of being more proud of how 'good' he was being if he was ignoring me or if he was refocussing on his family. Note, we only had an EA only -- which I think in some ways makes it more ridiculous and complicated.

 

The bottom line is -- if you think there's any chance you'll fall for him -- you're going to get hurt.

 

ContemplatingtheEnd -- reading your posts -- I just don't feel you're ready to break it off. I was at your point a few months ago -- things were still bouyant -- he still loved me -- I was still his world. I don't think you've been on the journey of feeling completely forsaken yet -- and I certainly don't want you to go through it!!! But sometimes you need to in order to really "get it".

 

HUGS to both of you.

[CarbonCopy]

All that is so accurate. I have no idea why I'm in this A. And, while he hasn't reached the point of hurting me yet, I suppose it's inevitable. I have been coming closer and closer to realizing there is absolutely no reason (not that there ever was) for me to be in this relationship, aside from the obvious reasons that he's MM and betraying his family while he's with me.

 

CarbonCopy: May I ask...how long did yours last? And, how did it ultimate end?

 

Mine has been going on for about six months and we talk/text a couple times a week, but it's not typically a daily occurrence. I find it that the longer I don't hear from him, the less I think about him. (sometimes it is true: out of sight, out of mind). But, then when I do hear from him, all the feelings, excitement, attraction coming rushing back and I'm back at square one.

 

It's hard when you don't have a clear reason as to why you're doing something. I didn't have a reason either, but looking back I guess I was looking for attention and affection. Don't get me wrong, I love being single and I live a perfectly happy and fulfilling life. But knowing that you're wanted and desired (and you want and desire that person as well) is a very powerful feeling. I just LOVED being with him. I loved seeing him, touching him, listening to his stories, making him happy... I loved it all. We had amazing chemistry with each other. I guess realistically we were both using each other to feel good, but I actually gave him my heart -- he obviously didn't.

 

We got together in November 2008. My situation is especially messed up because we go to church together, I know his wife and am friendly with her, I've taken care of his kids... yeah. Messed up. But anyway, I just started innocently texting him, never imagining that it would lead to this. One night in November we hung out together, then he drove me home and he kissed me. We spent the next couple of hours in his car cuddling and talking and that was the beginning of our relationship.

 

He tried ending things in February but that only lasted for a few days. Then last Thursday he called me asking if I wanted to hang out. Naturally I sounded bitchy because he hadn't called me in weeks and then all of a sudden he expects me to see him? Of course I was upset. He sensed it and asked if I wanted to break up with him. I said I didn't know and he said, "Well, I'll make the decision for both of us -- I think we should end this." I wasn't expecting this AT ALL, so I was hurt and shocked and crying and angry. I told him he was nothing but a liar and a user and that I regretted it all. He didn't have much to say in return, which is probably an indication of how much he really cared. I ended up hanging up on him before he had the chance to say some insincere "I'm sorries." I have a good feeling he'll be back in a few months (he even implied as much), but I just pray I have the strength to say no and resist him. Whoever compared these relationships to an addiction is completely right.

 

I was really pissed off initially that he decided to end things over the phone. How cowardly can you get? But I guess in retrospect it was better that way? I know that had he done it in person my tears, my sobbing would have made him change his mind and our sick cycle would have started up again.

 

It seems like you're not too emotionally attached yet, and that's very good. Please try and get out now because the pain will just be worse the longer this goes on. That excitment, that rush you feel will be nothing compared to the pain you'll be in when he suddenly decides that he doesn't want you anymore. Trust me, I know all about the excitement and the rush and the attraction. It's truly a vicious circle -- one day I'd be furious at him for not calling or whatever, then when he did call me it was like I forgot what I was mad at in the first place. I was just SO HAPPY to hear from him, so happy that he took the time out of his "busy" day to bless me with a few minutes of his time that I put many of my needs and concerns in the back corner. It was all about him and that's the way he liked it.

 

So please, try and end it. It's for your own good. Spare yourself the pain and suffering that inevitably will happen along the line.

[CarbonCopy]

or course, if anything ever goes wrong in your life -- or you just feel like seeing him for whatever reason -- you can't contact him -- that's when the fun stops...and you realise that he can effectively "break up" with you without so much as having a conversation about it.

 

SO true. He has all the control. Every call, every meeting is on HIS terms. Your cellphone never ends up leaving your side just in case he calls. You make every effort you can to try and meet him, even if it's not convenient for you. You start taking time away from your friends and family in order to be with him. It's not healthy.

 

I think many OW excuse so many of their MM's bad behaviors because even the little scraps they can get from him are better than nothing. That's how I felt -- though I didn't get much from him, I was still getting SOMETHING. I was still getting some affection and attention and I preferred that to not having anything at all. Like I said in my previous post, I'm happy being single and I'm not LONELY, but that physical intimacy I got from him (not really referring to sex, but more to the talking and cuddling and caressing and hand-holding) was SO nice. I'll miss that most of all.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

What amazes me is the common experienes so many OW have! CCopy -- reading you posts you really could be talking about me. The "I never contact him" rule for me was great because

a) it felt like I was doing nothing wrong -- or at least not initiating anything wrong

b) it was a nice ego boost to always be the one to get called/contacted

c) it wasn't practical to contact him -- because I didn't know if he was home or not

 

ContemplatingtheEnd -- reading your posts -- I just don't feel you're ready to break it off. I was at your point a few months ago -- things were still bouyant -- he still loved me -- I was still his world. I don't think you've been on the journey of feeling completely forsaken yet -- and I certainly don't want you to go through it!!! But sometimes you need to in order to really "get it".

 

Firstly -- Yes, the more I think about it I think one of the main reasons why I let allow this A to continue is simply because it is a huge ego boost that my MM wants to "be with" (for lack of a better word) me. He compliments me in both physical and emotional ways. (Now, this next sentence is going to sound twisted...) In a lot of ways, he treats me better than this other (single) guy that I've been dating for a while. Since I'm really not looking to have a serious relationship, "why not spend time with the man who makes me happy?" is the thought running through my head. Oh, that's right -- because he's married.

 

EdnaDean: You are right, I'm not quite at the point I want it to end. Largely because, as the old saying goes, I'm the one running the show. At least right now -- I seem to be the one pulling back while he is the one putting his feelings out on the table. (Or, whatever he portrays his feelings as, that is.) As I recently told him, the more he tells me has feelings for me, the more skeptical I become. I am convinced his marriage isn't all that bad and that if he really worked at it'd be much happier with her. Of course, I'm not going to tell him that -- since it's an assumption and I am not in a place to give him MC obviously -- but that makes me think this is more about him and less about us, which seems to be the case with MM who stray. The situation overall has become increasingly stressful, especially since I haven't seen him for a while (conflicting vacations, etc.) and that has allowed me to not think about him more -- UNTIL I hear from him. And, that does make me want to end it. Well, at least a bit more than I did before. Now comes the hard part though -- when our schedules do match up and he does want to see me I need to tell him I can't.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

It's hard when you don't have a clear reason as to why you're doing something. I didn't have a reason either, but looking back I guess I was looking for attention and affection. Don't get me wrong, I love being single and I live a perfectly happy and fulfilling life. But knowing that you're wanted and desired (and you want and desire that person as well) is a very powerful feeling. I just LOVED being with him. I loved seeing him, touching him, listening to his stories, making him happy... I loved it all. We had amazing chemistry with each other. I guess realistically we were both using each other to feel good, but I actually gave him my heart -- he obviously didn't.

 

We got together in November 2008. My situation is especially messed up because we go to church together, I know his wife and am friendly with her, I've taken care of his kids... yeah. Messed up. But anyway, I just started innocently texting him, never imagining that it would lead to this. One night in November we hung out together, then he drove me home and he kissed me. We spent the next couple of hours in his car cuddling and talking and that was the beginning of our relationship.

 

As I said in my previous post, you are spot on -- I'm coming to realize (as if it wasn't obvious enough before) that one main reason why I'm allowing this A to continue is because I really like the attention he gives me and, simply put, I love being around him and talking to him (but, we also have a PA, and the sex is amazing.) Although, to be sure, the last time it wasn't as good -- it's hard (harder for women, I think) to compartmentalize and it's getting harder for me, whether we're having sex or talking...

 

Anyways, yes -- I'm in the same boat, I'm single and my life is overall quite good. So, why the hell am I allowing myself to be distracted by this unavailable man? As you say you've given your heart to him...I definitely have not. In fact, I have always been the one to pull back while he's the one to put his feelings on the table. Unfortunately (or, fortunately, whatever way you look at it), I think that makes him want me more. You always want what you can't have.

 

Sounds like your A is a definitely more complicated since you know his wife and kids (I've never met/seen (aside from pictures on the Internet) his wife or kids. Or, for that matter, any of his friends other than the ones I met on the night I met him.) That makes it all that much easier to engage with him, though. At the same time with you -- sounds like your EA is more intense and more well-rounded (you're not living in a A "bubble" like I think I'm finding myself in...)

 

I do hope you can continue to be strong...like many people say, fill your time with whatever you need to do so you're not easily distracted if/when he contacts you.

[CarbonCopy]

EdnaDean: You are right, I'm not quite at the point I want it to end. Largely because, as the old saying goes, I'm the one running the show. At least right now -- I seem to be the one pulling back while he is the one putting his feelings out on the table. (Or, whatever he portrays his feelings as, that is.)

 

Oh... that will quickly change. I've heard plenty of OW say that it's the OW that has all the power because we are the commodity. But if that's true, then why do most of these OW just end up devastated with broken hearts? You think you're in charge, and hey, you very well may be, but as time goes on it becomes extremely obvious who holds all the cards in this relationship.

 

I see where you're coming from, though. Right now you seem to be in the "I'm just having fun with this" stage. Sure, you like him, you enjoy being with him, etc, but you're not emotionally attached yet. I started out like that, too. I just wanted to enjoy myself because I knew this wasn't one of those "we'll be together in the end" relationships. But trust me, this stops being "just for fun" VERY quickly. In the beginning I used to ask him about his wife, his sex life, etc. I didn't have an emotional connection to him, so I didn't really care -- in fact, I was curious. But as time went on, I told him flat out that I no longer wanted to know about any of that. I just didn't want to hear it (and thankfully he was never one to talk much about that either). So you definitely form a bond to this person as the relationship intensifies.

 

As for your MM, it sounds like he's still in "the chase" stage. He seems more into it than you right now because he's out to "conquer" you and he probably knows he hasn't yet. My MM was like that in the beginning. As I said before, he used to call me everyday, he showed up at my job unexpectedly SEVERAL times so that I was forced to see him (I didn't want him coming to my place of employment), he was going to take me out to dinner... he was going all out. Along the way I finally got hooked and I'm sure he knew it -- and that's when things changed. He still made an effort to see and call me, but it was never how it was in the beginning. He knew he had me, he knew that I had fallen for him, so he no longer had to go above and beyond.

 

I completely understand why you don't want to end it. I thought about ending my relationship a few months back but I didn't do it and now I regret it. I regret letting HIM end it because I wanted to be the one to do it. I felt like that was the only thing I would have control over in this relationship because I never thought he would actually end it -- he tried once and failed miserably, and then he made several comments to the effect of that he could "see this going on forever."

 

I'm young. I'm older than 21 but younger than 25. I don't know how old you are, but regardless there are PLENTY of other men out there for you. I know it feels amazing to be with your MM, that no one else compares, but it won't end well. Get out before you really start developing feelings for him (and you're lucky that you haven't already since it's been 6 months). In the end, unless you're truly one of those people that can keep your emotions at bay, you will just get burned.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I see where you're coming from, though. Right now you seem to be in the "I'm just having fun with this" stage. Sure, you like him, you enjoy being with him, etc, but you're not emotionally attached yet. I started out like that, too. I just wanted to enjoy myself because I knew this wasn't one of those "we'll be together in the end" relationships. But trust me, this stops being "just for fun" VERY quickly. In the beginning I used to ask him about his wife, his sex life, etc. I didn't have an emotional connection to him, so I didn't really care -- in fact, I was curious. But as time went on, I told him flat out that I no longer wanted to know about any of that. I just didn't want to hear it (and thankfully he was never one to talk much about that either). So you definitely form a bond to this person as the relationship intensifies.

 

It seems to be the opposite with me, actually. The more I become involved with him, the more curious I become: I want to know about his family and wife -- I want to know why the hell has he chosen to have an A, but also because it's such a big part of his life that I know nothing about (esp. his kids, which I know are so, so important to him.) Yes, I know nothing about them. I realize it's different with you, though, since you do know his wife and kids already.

 

I completely understand why you don't want to end it. I thought about ending my relationship a few months back but I didn't do it and now I regret it. I regret letting HIM end it because I wanted to be the one to do it. I felt like that was the only thing I would have control over in this relationship because I never thought he would actually end it -- he tried once and failed miserably, and then he made several comments to the effect of that he could "see this going on forever."

 

Mmm, see I think I'm a bit twisted insofar as I wish he would just end it. I want him to come to his senses, realize he is jeopardizing a marriage that -- in his words, makes him "content" -- for a fling with a woman younger than him (I am also in the 21 to 25 age range.... Older MM, and younger OW....SO predictable, huh?) I wish I or he would sabotage this A to the point where we cannot continue (i.e., we have a close encounter with someone who may spill the beans). That is all twisted, I realize, and in reality -- I think if he ended things (now or at a later date) I would feel used and sad. But, I do think that at this point I would be able to get over him fine and more quickly than I did the last man I dated (who was single and who I did want to be with for potentially long-term. I don't have that desire in this A [primarily b/c of the fact he's married, not b/c I don't think we'd work out...]).

 

there are PLENTY of other men out there for you. I know it feels amazing to be with your MM, that no one else compares, but it won't end well. Get out before you really start developing feelings for him (and you're lucky that you haven't already since it's been 6 months). In the end, unless you're truly one of those people that can keep your emotions at bay, you will just get burned.

 

Yes, I know there are! The ridiculous thing is I've been seeing this single, available guy -- he's absolutely great, sweet, nice, smart, good-looking, we have a lot in common, etc., etc. And, I really do find myself enjoying my time with him and not thinking about MM. BUT, when we start kissing I can't help but wander back emotionally to MM. I just think it's hard for many women, myself included, to be physically emotional with more than one man. And, like someone else has said on here or another thread, I do find myself comparing them. And, that is clearly not healthy/good.

 

Re: Keeping my emotions at bay.... sometimes I fear I can do that all too well. Not just this A, but my last serious relationship...it was a bad breakup yet I felt so emotionally disconnected from it all.

[ladydesigner]

And, I really do find myself enjoying my time with him and not thinking about MM. BUT, when we start kissing I can't help but wander back emotionally to MM. I just think it's hard for many women, myself included, to be physically emotional with more than one man. And, like someone else has said on here or another thread, I do find myself comparing them. And, that is clearly not healthy/good.

 

Just curious because I felt this way with my xOM so much that I was totally emotionally unavailable to my husband during my affair, do men feel this way as well? The feeling of being attached to the one person they are most physically and emotionally attracted to at the time. It seems like men can have this with multiple women.

[CarbonCopy]

It seems to be the opposite with me, actually. The more I become involved with him, the more curious I become: I want to know about his family and wife -- I want to know why the hell has he chosen to have an A, but also because it's such a big part of his life that I know nothing about (esp. his kids, which I know are so, so important to him.) Yes, I know nothing about them. I realize it's different with you, though, since you do know his wife and kids already.

 

I don't think I explained myself well. Only the curiosity regarding his sex life stopped. But the curiosity surrounding him and his family definitely INCREASED. I saw them once a week, but I didn't really know what they were doing together as a familial unit. He was unemployed for quite a few months which meant that he spent most of the time home with them. He never really talked about what he did -- did he take the kids to the park? did he go to the movies with his wife? I never knew and on some level I didn't want to know, but on another I did. Hell, I'm freaking friends with his wife on Facebook and I'm constantly checking her updates and pictures to see what's happening. It's kind of crazy, but I can't help myself.

 

Mmm, see I think I'm a bit twisted insofar as I wish he would just end it. I want him to come to his senses, realize he is jeopardizing a marriage that -- in his words, makes him "content" -- for a fling with a woman younger than him (I am also in the 21 to 25 age range.... Older MM, and younger OW....SO predictable, huh?) I wish I or he would sabotage this A to the point where we cannot continue (i.e., we have a close encounter with someone who may spill the beans). That is all twisted, I realize, and in reality -- I think if he ended things (now or at a later date) I would feel used and sad. But, I do think that at this point I would be able to get over him fine and more quickly than I did the last man I dated (who was single and who I did want to be with for potentially long-term. I don't have that desire in this A [primarily b/c of the fact he's married, not b/c I don't think we'd work out...]).

 

Yes, I understand. There were many times when I thought he purposely said and did things so that he would get caught and therefore be forced to end the affair. He told me several times that I should get a boyfriend who would "sweep me off my feet." There were many instances when he was just reckless with his actions, including the last time we were together. I don't think he was consciously aware of his actions and words, though.

 

Yes, I know there are! The ridiculous thing is I've been seeing this single, available guy -- he's absolutely great, sweet, nice, smart, good-looking, we have a lot in common, etc., etc. And, I really do find myself enjoying my time with him and not thinking about MM. BUT, when we start kissing I can't help but wander back emotionally to MM. I just think it's hard for many women, myself included, to be physically emotional with more than one man. And, like someone else has said on here or another thread, I do find myself comparing them. And, that is clearly not healthy/good.

 

That's tough. I wasn't seeing anyone when I was with MM, although I did have some drunken fun some nights (just kissing, nothing else). And although it was just kissing, I found myself comparing that to my MM. He was a GREAT kisser and those guys were just gross. Gosh, one time I went out with my best friend and a guy she had met that night and I was even comparing HIM to my MM -- and he wasn't even my date! It was bizarre. And all the while I was technically single, but my thoughts and my mind were on MM... so it becomes really hard to be interested in other people (although that didn't stop me from thinking guys were hot and stuff, LOL).

 

You're lucky that you seem to have a nice single guy. Don't hurt him by not being emotionally there for him. If you really don't think you can end things with your MM by saying "IT'S OVER," then maybe let your actions imply it. Or you could even intentionally try and sabotage the relationship, but I think that's kind of severe. Does your MM know about the single guy? If he doesn't then maybe bring him up. Maybe he'll start getting the hint.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

I don't think I explained myself well. Only the curiosity regarding his sex life stopped. But the curiosity surrounding him and his family definitely INCREASED. I saw them once a week, but I didn't really know what they were doing together as a familial unit. He was unemployed for quite a few months which meant that he spent most of the time home with them. He never really talked about what he did -- did he take the kids to the park? did he go to the movies with his wife? I never knew and on some level I didn't want to know, but on another I did. Hell, I'm freaking friends with his wife on Facebook and I'm constantly checking her updates and pictures to see what's happening. It's kind of crazy, but I can't help myself.

 

Yes, I think if I knew if/how often my MM has sex w/ his wife, that would make me uncomfortable. In fact, I said earlier on here or another thread that if he was having sex with both of us, that would bother me. How ridiculous is that!? I am the OW and I am bothered that my MM is having sex with his W. I am bothered by it, but I fully know I have absolutely no right to be bothered. So, that's something. Ha. Yes, on the other parts -- taking kids to parks, etc., that is what I am so curious about. Every now and again he talks about them and perks my interest even more. One time he was talking to one of his kids on the phone and I could hear the whole conversation... He was in bed with me, talking on the phone with his child. That is v. twisted.

 

That's tough. I wasn't seeing anyone when I was with MM, although I did have some drunken fun some nights (just kissing, nothing else). And although it was just kissing, I found myself comparing that to my MM. He was a GREAT kisser and those guys were just gross. Gosh, one time I went out with my best friend and a guy she had met that night and I was even comparing HIM to my MM -- and he wasn't even my date! It was bizarre. And all the while I was technically single, but my thoughts and my mind were on MM... so it becomes really hard to be interested in other people (although that didn't stop me from thinking guys were hot and stuff, LOL).

 

You're lucky that you seem to have a nice single guy. Don't hurt him by not being emotionally there for him. If you really don't think you can end things with your MM by saying "IT'S OVER," then maybe let your actions imply it. Or you could even intentionally try and sabotage the relationship, but I think that's kind of severe. Does your MM know about the single guy? If he doesn't then maybe bring him up. Maybe he'll start getting the hint.

 

Yes, my MM doesn't stop me from hitting on other guys, going on dates with other guys, etc. It has had almost the opposite effect actually: the more I spend time with/like my MM, I tell myself to spend time with single, available guys b/c I can't be letting myself choosing to spend my time with an unavailable man when there are single ones in my life who are great.

 

Yes, he does know about the guy I'm dating. We're in the early stages and I am not sleeping with him (b/c I'm sleeping w/ MM...and also b/c it's early). My MM asks about him, though, more than I ask about his wife. It is odd. And, unfortunately, my MM does blow my single guy out of the water in terms of kissing. (I would NEVER let MM know that though, huge boost to his ego that I am not about to give him.) The initial intense physical chemistry just isn't there with the single guy. And, I had chemistry with MM even before I knew he was married so I am fairly confident it's not the "fog" of this A that's turning me on (not sure about his opinion, since, of course, he has always known he was married.) We had an unbelievable physical attraction that has now escalated to be an EA as well.

 

Since you were never seeing anyone when you were w/ MM, maybe it was b/c your mind was solely on your MM...do you think that's possible? That is what I fear the most -- that I am sacrificing an amazing relationship with an available man by spending my time and energy and thoughts on a married man.

 

If I may ask, how long have you known him and how long did/has your A lasted? (I apologize if you've already posted about it on here...)

[CarbonCopy]

Yes, on the other parts -- taking kids to parks, etc., that is what I am so curious about. Every now and again he talks about them and perks my interest even more. One time he was talking to one of his kids on the phone and I could hear the whole conversation... He was in bed with me, talking on the phone with his child. That is v. twisted.

 

That is twisted! His wife would usually call while we were together and sometimes I would hear her blabbing about stupid stuff like going to the dentist. As time went on and I heard how easily he lied to her about where he was and what he was doing, I started to find it slightly disturbing. I trusted him and I believed what he told me, but to hear him lie like that bothered me. I mean, if he's lying to his wife, the mother of his children, why wouldn't he lie to me? And he did talk about his kids, but nothing extensive. He would mostly talk about himself and stuff that had happened to him. He's an interesting person with a very colorful past, so he had lots to tell and I loved to listen.

 

Yes, he does know about the guy I'm dating. We're in the early stages and I am not sleeping with him (b/c I'm sleeping w/ MM...and also b/c it's early). My MM asks about him, though, more than I ask about his wife. It is odd. And, unfortunately, my MM does blow my single guy out of the water in terms of kissing. (I would NEVER let MM know that though, huge boost to his ego that I am not about to give him.) The initial intense physical chemistry just isn't there with the single guy. And, I had chemistry with MM even before I knew he was married so I am fairly confident it's not the "fog" of this A that's turning me on (not sure about his opinion, since, of course, he has always known he was married.) We had an unbelievable physical attraction that has now escalated to be an EA as well.

Ah, the chemistry thing, LOL. Yes, I know exactly what you mean. And I also liked my MM before the affair. I knew him on a mostly superficial level, but I liked his personality and thought he was attractive. Honestly he's not the type of guy I would date for a variety of reasons, but I was drawn to him.

 

Since you were never seeing anyone when you were w/ MM, maybe it was b/c your mind was solely on your MM...do you think that's possible? That is what I fear the most -- that I am sacrificing an amazing relationship with an available man by spending my time and energy and thoughts on a married man.

I don't date much, so in my case being with my MM never stopped me from meeting someone worthwhile. But I do think in many instances single OW subconsciously become monogamous with their MM and therefore close themselves off to available men, which is so sad. These MM have a whole other life, so if they lose the OW it's no big loss. But what happens to the OW? Usually she's left alone and hurting.

 

Do you think you're not breaking things off because you're not sure how things are going to go with SG? Like, if you end up getting serious with SG, would that make it easier for you to end things with MM because you'll have someone? Do you not want to end it because you and SG might not work out, so at least you'll still have MM?

 

If I may ask, how long have you known him and how long did/has your A lasted? (I apologize if you've already posted about it on here...)

I've known my MM for about 5 years, but on a superficial level. It was mostly a "Hi, how are you, how are you doing" type of relationship since we only saw each other once a week at church. We got together in November 2008 and it ended August 27, 2009.

 

I know I sound bitter, angry, and hurt -- and believe me, I am! -- but I miss him so much and honestly if he called me right now wanting to see me again I don't know if I'd have the strength to say no. This is sooo hard and I know it's going to be an on-going struggle.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Honestly he's not the type of guy I would date for a variety of reasons, but I was drawn to him.

 

Unfortunately, for me my MM is precisely the type of guy I would fall for. In fact, I was the one who went up to him initially when we met (I did not know he was married at the time.)

 

Do you think you're not breaking things off because you're not sure how things are going to go with SG? Like, if you end up getting serious with SG, would that make it easier for you to end things with MM because you'll have someone? Do you not want to end it because you and SG might not work out, so at least you'll still have MM?

 

Mmmm, I don't think I'm at that point quite yet. I actually met SG after I met and started to become involved (both physically and emotionally) with MM. So, I think I'm staying with SG mostly because I do genuinely like him but also a little bit might be because I cannot let myself end something with a perfectly good single man when I am continuing to allow myself to see MM. It's the fear of what I could become, what I could become dependent on, if I let myself choose MM over SG. I think the reason I find this A so convenient is because I am not afraid to be alone (right now, when I'm still young...). Like your MM did, my MM does talk a lot about himself, much more than I do myself. He also doesn't seem all that interested in my life when it doesn't have to do with things we have in common or him. While that annoys me (seems an overwhelming number of men are selfish...) it doesn't bother me that I'm not opening up to him. I have others in my life I can talk about my problems with. He apparently does not have enough. Or, the people who he would normally talk about his problems with are part the problem...

 

I've known my MM for about 5 years, but on a superficial level. It was mostly a "Hi, how are you, how are you doing" type of relationship since we only saw each other once a week at church. We got together in November 2008 and it ended August 27, 2009.

 

Who ended it? Or was it mutual? Did you say your A was only emotional, or physical as well?

 

I know I sound bitter, angry, and hurt -- and believe me, I am! -- but I miss him so much and honestly if he called me right now wanting to see me again I don't know if I'd have the strength to say no. This is sooo hard and I know it's going to be an on-going struggle.

 

I admire you for not being in it anymore, though. From my vantage point, it would be kind of odd for MM not to be in my life, since he has been such a fixture in it for the last six months. So, I cannot even imagine how that would feel after a five-year friendship and more than year-long A.