How do you stop something you don't want to end?

[whichwayisup]

You have to be the one to be strong and stay away. You made an excellent point - He's a cake eater! He probably doesn't want it to end because he's getting something out of it, a need that is missing from inside of him. That has nothing to do with his wife, or his marriage. Whether it's an ego feed, or he feels like he's rescued/helped you through a hard time in your life - Either way, what you feel for him is alot more than what he feels for you..

 

I really hope you decide to try to end it and go NC. Keep reading, here and in the infidelity section..Put yourself in his wife's shoes, imagine you being married and your husband cheating on you - How you'd feel etc..

 

You can do this, even if it's hard, it's the best thing for you.

[ednadean]

That's exactly what is happening with me. The more I find on Facebook, et. al, the more it becomes reality to me. The worst are those pictures that have been taken recently -- with MM looking apparently quite happy and content with his wife. It's so hard because there are SO many unknowns on his end for me, while for him, there isn't. Yes, the pictures temporarily go away while we're together. But, they are coming into my mind more lately when we're together. But, clearly, they didn't tip me over like they seemed to have with you.

 

After starting this thread and getting feedback, my trust in MM is waning. And, as it should be. There is no reason why I should trust him. OBVIOUSLY considering the situation we're in. For some reason, I don't feel quite as bad if I thought MM was truly unhappy in his marriage. But, if he's happy -- which he seems to be -- I feel more guilty and see him in a more negative light. He's having his cake and eating it too.

 

2sure -- yes, I feel morally guilty, which is the primary reason I think I should end it. Notice I didn't say "want" to end it. I WANT to end it because of Taylor's points -- very good ones, btw, Taylor. I can feel myself losing integrity, now that you mention it.

 

When I met MM, I had just gotten injured and couldn't run (a big thing in my life) and also got really busy at work. So, all those things together really put me in a spot where I wasn't comfortable with my life. And, I am still kind of there but the injury and work is better...but the A w/ MM is still here. So, I think my self-esteem and integrity were being strained when I met him. I'm not making excuses at all -- just placing into context how I could let myself become involved in this from the get-go. Clearly I should have cut this off the moment I found out he was married.

 

Taylor -- what you said about me feeling differently about this relationship when its over compared to "normal" ones is a very good one. I can see obviously how that could happen but at the same time I don't think it's something that will really come full circle for me until I am there. Until, in a way, it's too late.

 

I came on here initially because I can't seem to convince myself to ignore him. I almost want to "sabotage" this A so I can persuade him to not want to be involved with me, since I apparently cannot persuade myself. Does that make sense or does it sound as twisted as I think it does when I articulate it? I want to tell him outright that I want him to leave his wife (even though I don't) so maybe that would scare him and push him away. I want to run into him and his family so the guilt really goes over the top for me. (and presumably him) and we both want to end it. I can't seem to get out of the bubble that is this A.

 

Taylor, you also drove it home with this: "He is already filling your head with notions of what it would be like to be with him if he left his wife (he is planting this notion in your head to keep you interested, but it isn't sincere)." -- I had never thought about that until you said it. It's easy to say these things in a bubble. It's outside of it where things get messy.

 

yes -- for me it as a combination of things...I always thought that he loved me more than I loved him -- until he started pulling away and I realised that I was much more in love with him than I'd ever been with anyone else and I didn't want to let him go. In a normal relationship you can fight for it etc etc -- but with an A, an EA of all things, its simply impossible without completely losing your values and integrity. How could I ever ask him to leave his family? Or even spend time away from them?

 

One of the things that probably made me realise it was a complete dead end was a week that my father got sick and I desperately wanted him to be by my side, to drive me to the hospital, or at least be able to call him or text him or something. And you know what? I couldn't. Because he's MARRIED. Because he has this complete other life that takes precedence. It was then that I realised that being an OW is much much worse than being alone. It's a horrible horrible trap that's so easy to fall into -- try and get out before you fall in love with him even more.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

yes -- for me it as a combination of things...I always thought that he loved me more than I loved him -- until he started pulling away and I realised that I was much more in love with him than I'd ever been with anyone else and I didn't want to let him go. In a normal relationship you can fight for it etc etc -- but with an A, an EA of all things, its simply impossible without completely losing your values and integrity. How could I ever ask him to leave his family? Or even spend time away from them?

 

Your A interests me...You've probably articulated it in other posts/threads, but do you mind giving me some basics about it? I noticed another post of yours that said your MM was 16 years older than you. My MM, like I said, is 14 years older. I think at first that's what attracted him to me (and me to him), but I think we've transcended that now. Whatever that means.

 

I am the one holding back more than him. He is always the one to reach out to me and contact me. I don't do that precisely because I hate the idea of him choosing to spend time with me over his family. He knows I won't reach out to him. So, I bet if I all of a sudden I started texting, calling and e-mailing him all the time he would pull away. I think he thinks I like him less than I do. I do a good job of not opening up (in relationships in general, and especially this one.) But, not opening up doesn't mean not developing feelings and that's where it's getting dangerous.

 

And, you're right -- he has this completely other life that I know nothing about. He talks about his friends and his jobs. But, hardly EVER his wife and children. And, I know his children are huge part of his life -- of course they are -- and he has said that to me a few times. When/if I am confronted with a family emergency like you were -- perhaps that will push me over the edge. I don't know what will at this point. Running into him with his family -- I think that would do it. We've talked about that before and both have no idea what would happen... he almost concedes that he would have to own up to everything. Anyways, I will be interested in hearing a bit more about your A, if you don't mind. Thanks!

[ednadean]

sure, I'm PM you I think our As have similar foundations.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

sure, I'm PM you I think our As have similar foundations.

 

My apologizes -- but I am very new to this whole chatting world and don't know what PM stands for. Can you elaborate? Thanks!

[jennie-jennie]

My apologizes -- but I am very new to this whole chatting world and don't know what PM stands for. Can you elaborate? Thanks!

 

It means personal message, but I believe one needs 50 posts and 1 month membership before being able to send or receive emails, so she won't be able to send you anything.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Thanks jennie-jennie... Ednadean -- it looks as though I'm numerous posts away from being able to send personal messages. So, whatever you feel comfortable discussing via the forum, I would be glad to hear more about your A. Thanks.

[ednadean]

sure, one of the things with an A or EA is that you can't talk to anyone So awful.

 

My EA started out as an intense friendship -- that went on for a few years -- that then turned into an intense obsession with each other, I guess you could say. At the time it was it its height, he was quite miserable in his 20 year marriage and was very depressed.

 

I'm also the sort of person that never opens up in relationships, never contacts first, etc etc -- which is why I think I've always gone for the older man -- and probably on some level why the concept of an A came my way.

 

It's really hard because we've only ever kissed once while drunk and nothing more has never happened between us. It's hard because we connect on a physical and intellectual level. after a lot of thought, guilt and discussion, he's now refocusing on his family and I'm trying to move on as well. Since he's pulled away I realise I love him more than I ever thought -- which makes me think that maybe it's that I'm starving for affection more than anything else. I still see him and talk to him once a month or soe and it's still painful-- BUT I also realise that it could never have worked between us. Too many variables in the way. That being said, at the same time, I can ALSO see ourselves together, thinking it could work out.

 

THe whole thing can drive you mad. I was pretty nonchalant about it a few months ago -- it'swhen they pull away...and when you see their other life...that things become horrible. EAs are also especially hard because you can delude yourself for a LONG LONG time that you're not doing anything wrong.

 

Hope this helps

[lovely12]

I completely agree. When I am with my OM, it's like I am in heaven. It is so weird!!!!!!!!!

[queeniegirl]

JD and I had an affair on our respective spouses. We just left everything, went off to Tennessee. Now we are living together. There are always reprocutions, though. I"m paying big time, I wasn't very nice.

[Dexter Morgan]

I know with this post I risk sounding like woman who has a cavalier attitude toward marriages and/or wives. To that end, I really don't think I do -- it's not that simple -- and I would appreciate any insight anyone could offer.

 

 

how do you stop something you don't want to stop?

 

ok, lets put it this way. Do you want to be with a son-of-a-b!tch? If the answer is no, then just stop. Because that is what he is.

 

He is a cheater...cheating on his wife AND his kids. If this is the kind of man you want, then hey, keep seeing the bastard.

 

If not, then you need to see him for what he is and think to yourself, "I don't sleep with cheating bastards."

 

hope that helps:)

[Solear]

Hi there, I am the other man,I fell for my boss who is nine years older than me,she was beautiful married with two grown up step kids who lived with her. We got together emotionally at first then started sleeping with each other, I rationalised the loss of my integrity by her stories of being in a loveless relationship. The love and attention we lavished on each other was amazing sex was out of this world, right u till the end. she wanted kids with me and to run away. She knew which buttons to push. After a year and a half I got her pregnant and she miscarried devastating both of us. Out of the blue she texts me and tells me its over. That was over a month ago now and imstill in mourning over the loss of my child and my lover. I have to live with the fact shes at home playing wife to someone she says she doesnt love but cant leave.

 

take my advice, and leave himor her now. at least youll be in control of your emotions, she or he will have the security blanket of their family to rely on where as you will have nothing, but feelings off betrayal lonliness and anxiety.

[ladydesigner]

Hi there, I am the other man,I fell for my boss who is nine years older than me,she was beautiful married with two grown up step kids who lived with her. We got together emotionally at first then started sleeping with each other, I rationalised the loss of my integrity by her stories of being in a loveless relationship. The love and attention we lavished on each other was amazing sex was out of this world, right u till the end. she wanted kids with me and to run away. She knew which buttons to push. After a year and a half I got her pregnant and she miscarried devastating both of us. Out of the blue she texts me and tells me its over. That was over a month ago now and imstill in mourning over the loss of my child and my lover. I have to live with the fact shes at home playing wife to someone she says she doesnt love but cant leave.

 

take my advice, and leave himor her now. at least youll be in control of your emotions, she or he will have the security blanket of their family to rely on where as you will have nothing, but feelings off betrayal lonliness and anxiety.

 

I am sorry to hear this Solear. I hope you are starting to heal now. These affairs ending are just so painful, but really are for the best especially if the married person is not ready to leave. I am a MW who had an affair with OM who was 14 years younger than myself. He had a significant other. He ended up choosing her. I'm not sure I would have left my H if he decided to be with me. Time is a great healing factor. I am finally moving on and no longer harbor those intense feelings for xOM.

[Solear]

I actually just feel betrayed,everything she said she was going to do, she didnt, leave her husband dismiss her family that she said she felt didnt appreciate her. Ive stood by her for a year and a half only to be treated now with her cool emotionless bank manager attitude. I wake every morning knowing i could have had a child and made her happy. i understand it may be her hormones and loss but. i still think she has just led me on to feed her own selfish wants. I have always felt sorry for her husband because i dont like lying to anyone, but she made him out to be unthoughtfull and callous. I'm trying to go no contact but i broke it yesterday to tell her im now grieving over my lost child and that ive laid flowers down on a local hill,i probably shouldnt have sent it. but ive had no one to grieve with. ive had to do it all on my own. this is something your supposed to do with the mother. I feel sick to my stomach with rage anxiety depression endless sadness and melancholy. Dont do it guys unless she leaves himin the first week she never will

[ladydesigner]

Yes betrayal was the first thing I felt as well and I understand the cool emotionless attitude you are feeling from her. I also felt led on in the way that the words that were spoken to me were in fact probably just to engage me in the affair to begin with. It went from one day "I love you and want to be with only you" to "I can't be with you I still have feelings for my girlfriend and our age difference (I am older) would cause problems later."

 

Please take some time to grieve your lost child and your AP. If you can go NC please try and IC if you are okay with that, it may help. I really can feel your pain and just know that you will move on from this one day and find someone who will love only YOU and be able to start a beautiful family with.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

sure, one of the things with an A or EA is that you can't talk to anyone So awful.

 

I'm also the sort of person that never opens up in relationships, never contacts first, etc etc -- which is why I think I've always gone for the older man -- and probably on some level why the concept of an A came my way.

 

THe whole thing can drive you mad. I was pretty nonchalant about it a few months ago -- it'swhen they pull away...and when you see their other life...that things become horrible. EAs are also especially hard because you can delude yourself for a LONG LONG time that you're not doing anything wrong.

 

thanks, Ednadean, this does help. I am the same way -- I never open up in relationships and my MM is almost always the one to reach out first. We certainly have more than just an EA, though. I actually didn't know he was married when I met him and it was more of a physical attraction. And, that turned into an EA as well.

 

I agree that the hardest part about it all is seeing them in their other lives. They have an entire life without us. Hell, his kids are -- of course -- a HUGE part of his life. Presumably, they're the most important people in his life. Yet, I know nothing about them other than the few things he has said. So, while we may have an intense affair on both the physical and emotional level, we're still missing so much of what we would have if we weren't having an A.

 

The problem is -- and one reason why I find myself not wanting to leave this situation -- is because I rarely ever see him in his "other" life. The only thing I have to go off of are v. few Facebook pictures. While we live in the same city, our social circles couldn't be more different (it's the age thing...). And, we talk about everything BUT his family so other than that huge part, we do have well-rounded conversations. So, I keep telling myself that I just need to make myself run into him with his family so I can sabotage this A and force both of us to end it. I do not have the strength nor the desire to leave. And, I admit that while realizing how heartless and very, very selfish that is.

 

Also, as a side note -- it's so ironic how much my intensity and concern with this A ebbs and flows with work. When I am busy, I hardly have time to worry about it and when I'm not -- it's all I think about it. Again, that's selfish and the wrongness of the A doesn't ebb and flow with my work, but from my perspective when I'm not as busy is the only time I reflect on it...

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

how do you stop something you don't want to stop?

 

ok, lets put it this way. Do you want to be with a son-of-a-b!tch? If the answer is no, then just stop. Because that is what he is.

 

He is a cheater...cheating on his wife AND his kids. If this is the kind of man you want, then hey, keep seeing the bastard.

 

If not, then you need to see him for what he is and think to yourself, "I don't sleep with cheating bastards."

 

hope that helps:)

 

I think I can speak for a lot of people in As when I say that not everyone who cheats -- whether married or not -- are sons of bitches. My MM is a good person who is being unfaithful to both his wife and kids. That means he's doing something wrong, he's not a bad person. I think he was reexamining his life (code word for midlife crisis...ha) before he met me and then we met and we really see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. Not making excuses but there is almost more to A that can be conveyed on here.

 

Some people who cheat are bad people, I realize that. And, maybe in my clouded view from this A, I am convinced my MM is a good person when he is really not. After coming on here I have become more skeptical of his motives. Since I really cannot know for sure what he does with 99 percent of his time. But, there comes a point when skepticism is useless.

[ladydesigner]

Some people who cheat are bad people, I realize that. And, maybe in my clouded view from this A, I am convinced my MM is a good person when he is really not. After coming on here I have become more skeptical of his motives. Since I really cannot know for sure what he does with 99 percent of his time. But, there comes a point when skepticism is useless.

 

It's funny every day I am more and more skeptical of what my xOM motives were and I really am starting to believe he didn't actually mean anything he ever told me. I can say that I never once went back on the things I told xOM but he has. But like you said there is a point where skepticism is useless and I am finally beginning to see that.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

It's funny every day I am more and more skeptical of what my xOM motives were and I really am starting to believe he didn't actually mean anything he ever told me. I can say that I never once went back on the things I told xOM but he has. But like you said there is a point where skepticism is useless and I am finally beginning to see that.

 

I have no idea what I will think about my MM's motives when our A is all over and done with (whenever that may be...). He seems genuine. But, even saying that is ridiculous -- he seems genuine while having an affair with me. The entire thing is not genuine therefore I suppose I am less skeptical (or, I care less) what he is telling the truth about. I can confirm the big things of course and have concluded he is telling the truth (i.e., the fact that he does have kids, a wife, etc.). But, about the things that comprise the bubble of the affair -- emotions and "connections" between the two people in the affair -- are harder to tell whether he is being truthful. He probably thinks he is to some extent. Who knows. Since the entire situation is not genuine I see less point in focusing my energy on this.

 

But, at the same time -- if I found out his motives were incredibly shallow, he does this with every young woman he meets, sleeps around, etc., then I would be done in a heartbeat. But, at least now, he just appears to be cheating on his wife with me. And, that makes it so much better. What ridiculous logic on my part. It's okay if he cheats on his wife w/ just me, but if he's sleeping around on me (while also on his wife), that is what tips it over to bad. Am I the only one who thinks w/ this twisted logic...?

[fooled once]

I think I can speak for a lot of people in As when I say that not everyone who cheats -- whether married or not -- are sons of bitches. My MM is a good person who is being unfaithful to both his wife and kids. That means he's doing something wrong, he's not a bad person. I think he was reexamining his life (code word for midlife crisis...ha) before he met me and then we met and we really see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. Not making excuses but there is almost more to A that can be conveyed on here.

 

Some people who cheat are bad people, I realize that. And, maybe in my clouded view from this A, I am convinced my MM is a good person when he is really not. After coming on here I have become more skeptical of his motives. Since I really cannot know for sure what he does with 99 percent of his time. But, there comes a point when skepticism is useless.

 

I have a hard time wrapping my head around the claims that these cheaters, liars, betrayers are 'good' people.

 

To me, a good person is someone who is honest, trustworthy, honors their word, sticks to their commitments.....

 

Some cheaters aren't honest, aren't trustworthy, don't honor their work and don't stick to their commitment...

 

so where is the goodness? Why do so many OW paint these MM as saints who are just in a bad marriage and outside of that, they are these wonderful caring men?

[bentnotbroken]

I think I can speak for a lot of people in As when I say that not everyone who cheats -- whether married or not -- are sons of bitches. My MM is a good person who is being unfaithful to both his wife and kids. That means he's doing something wrong, he's not a bad person. I think he was reexamining his life (code word for midlife crisis...ha) before he met me and then we met and we really see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. Not making excuses but there is almost more to A that can be conveyed on here.

 

Some people who cheat are bad people, I realize that. And, maybe in my clouded view from this A, I am convinced my MM is a good person when he is really not. After coming on here I have become more skeptical of his motives. Since I really cannot know for sure what he does with 99 percent of his time. But, there comes a point when skepticism is useless.

 

 

He is re-examining his life with his penis:eek: I don't know whether he is a good person of not, but like Dex said, he is being a SOB now to all involved. Seeing eye to eye doesn't require any other body parts met or boundaries be crossed. People do it ever day.

[Solear]

mines favourite lines were that she is "heart on sleeve" and that we should be open and honest in our relationship, shes been less than open and honest i know shes lied to me about weddings shes attended when she said shes gone alone only for me to find out later shes gone with her husband. she tellsme she lied so as not to hurt my feelings. I think shes just a callous bitch i cant trust a thing shes said to me now for the last year and a half. if i find out shes started another affair,im definately telling her husband. i will not be made a fool of by anyone!!!!

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Why do so many OW paint these MM as saints who are just in a bad marriage and outside of that, they are these wonderful caring men?

 

I am by no means saying he is a saint. There is a BIG difference between that and just being a decent person. I know what both of us is doing is wrong -- arguably him so because he is betraying his whole family. But, while I know this is wrong and my mistrust in him is growing, I think I can say somewhat confidently that I will never think he is a horrible person, even when he ultimately is back with his wife only and I'm out of the picture. That is, of course, barring some unforeseen revelation that, say, he does this with every other young woman out there.

 

I never said he was in a bad marriage. I don't think he is. He is an okay marriage -- one that, as he says, makes him content.

 

This is the classic argument that arises a lot with politicians who cheat. Do they still make a good politician, leader, etc. even if they cheated on their spouse? Many people fall on both sides of the fence.

 

Having an A doesn't automatically make that person an all-around horrible person. It definitely exposes qualities in a person that are bad -- most importantly, lying to his wife/family about his whereabouts -- but I don't think it makes him, say, a bad father to his kids.

[ContemplatingTheEnd]

Why do so many OW paint these MM as saints who are just in a bad marriage and outside of that, they are these wonderful caring men?

 

Okay, I thought about it a little more; I think right now neither one of us are being good people. He told me the other day out of the blue that I was a good person. Yet, when I heard him say that, I automatically thought 'No, I'm not a good person look at what I'm doing.' It is no different with him.

 

Where I am getting these thoughts that he is a good person, though, I think stems from the idea of what kind of man he was before he had this A (that is, if he isn't a serial cheater, which he says he isn't. But you never can know.) I think he was a good person to his family before this. I think in some alternative universe where he wasn't married and we met in different circumstances, he would be a good person and we could have a great relationship.

 

But, it doesn't much matter what things are like an alternative universe because that's not the way things are. But, it does help me understand my thinking he is a good person, when right now he is not being one. And, neither am I.

 

Thank you, fooled once, I appreciate your blunt honesty. It compels me to look at my twisted reasoning to see how exactly I could be thinking that.

[OW_WS]

Okay, I thought about it a little more; I think right now neither one of us are being good people. He told me the other day out of the blue that I was a good person. Yet, when I heard him say that, I automatically thought 'No, I'm not a good person look at what I'm doing.' It is no different with him.

 

Where I am getting these thoughts that he is a good person, though, I think stems from the idea of what kind of man he was before he had this A (that is, if he isn't a serial cheater, which he says he isn't. But you never can know.) I think he was a good person to his family before this. I think in some alternative universe where he wasn't married and we met in different circumstances, he would be a good person and we could have a great relationship.

 

But, it doesn't much matter what things are like an alternative universe because that's not the way things are. But, it does help me understand my thinking he is a good person, when right now he is not being one. And, neither am I.

 

Thank you, fooled once, I appreciate your blunt honesty. It compels me to look at my twisted reasoning to see how exactly I could be thinking that.

 

Are you sure you don't want to be re-examining your definition of "good"? I understand why you feel the need to include the monogamous morality stance into the equation but as you yourself were saying before, surely there's more than one element to that. Do you still do kind selfless acts? Do you still care for your family? Pets? Do you still give money to charity? Do you still help old ladies cross the street despite being in an A? You get the gist. It's one thing to realistically bash yourself for doing something that you find morally reprehensible and it is an entirely different thing to redefine yourself because if it.

 

If you include the "being monogamous" value into "being a good human being" it is what percent of that? 10%? 30%? 50%! Not understanding it's just a percentage may incapacitate you and make you reluctant to change the status quo in an "Already the worst person in the universe, what is there to savage, I'll carry on". If you acknowledge it's just part of it, if you wish to leave the A -and I do believe you do- then you can do so and return to being 100% good.