Do I send a 'closure' e-mail?

[jj33]

The only reason I mention that this was not an affair is that this is actually posted in the wrong forum as this forum is for people who find themselves in affairs which you were not.

 

nonetheless it does not lessen your pain and I hope you feel better soon

[ladyRN]

Sorry but I thought I was still classed as the OW as although separated he has gone back to his wife now. Plus I don't really know the real truth about his marriage and separation.

 

Anyway a little victory it may be for me but he just signed into MSN (I thought I could no longer see him online as he deleted me) and was so tempted to speak to him but instead I deleted him without a word. The feeling in my stomach when he signed in was too much to bear and it's a relief to see him gone.

 

Sorry if this sounds pathetic to others who have been through a lot more than me. It just feels good to be strong even if only in a small way.

[jj33]

You are obviously very disappointed but you arent really seeing this.

 

1. Separated people are separated not divorced. many of them date. Its part of how they decide what to do.

 

2. Separated people are often confused even if they dont express it. And talking about their confusion to dates is not going to help them see what it would be like to move forward if they decide to divorce.

 

3. With all due respect to other posters there is a lot of "man hating" going on encouraging you to see him as a scumbag.

 

4. He was a separated man who was dating, end of story. Yes he told you he was clear, but he wasnt. That is not a newsflash. Its typical with separated people and he is allowed to date. He may not even have known that he wanted to go back to his W. He may have enjoyed your company, it had been 10 months, thought he was clear and then when it came down to brass tacks talking to his W, realized he wanted to give it another shot. You will NEVER know and it doesnt matter. the fact is he went back.

 

5. You are NOT and never were the OW. This was never an affair.

 

6. The fact that he went back to his W doesnt mean you were the other woman. It means he decided not to divorce.

 

You are obviously disappointed. But that happens with dating. You meet someone. You date and more often than not, it doesnt work out. Thats life.

 

You are going to have to find a way to toughen up so that you dont get this heartbroken after every guy you date for 3 weeks or a month breaks it off. Otherwise dating will be a very very painful experience for you.

 

The fact that you have turned a few short weeks of internet contact and dating into an NC event suggests you WANT to be the other woman and try to get him to rethink things. That is the real problem here.

 

"Sorry but I thought I was still classed as the OW as although separated he has gone back to his wife now. Plus I don't really know the real truth about his marriage and separation."

 

This is very worrying. You are not and never were the other woman. The truth about his marriage doesnt matter. Dont make this into a drama. He has gone back to his W. He has told you its over. Yet you write as if there were some sort of ongoing thing that you are pushing away. The man is allowed to be on messenger. TAKE HIM OFF YOUR CONTACTS. You should NOT be able to see when he is on messenger you should delete his contacts. He is out of your life.

 

YOU ARE NO LONGER IN HIS LIFE UNLESS YOU PUSH THIS. I dont mean to be rude but you are very busy with wishful thinking. Understandable as you cared for this man, you had hope that he might be the one and the loss of that hope is a disappointment. I am not minimising that.

 

But you are someone he knew for 3 weeks. I am sure you touched his heart or it wouldnt mean so much to you, but it was 3 weeks while he was contemplating the state of his marriage and family.

 

Leave it alone. You need to look at what else is going on in your life that is causing you to obsess over this in this fashion.

[marlena]

Anyway a little victory it may be for me but he just signed into MSN (I thought I could no longer see him online as he deleted me) and was so tempted to speak to him but instead I deleted him without a word.

 

Good for you. There are some things in life that we just have to do whether we like it or not. I am glad you had the strength to delete him. In a few short weeks, you will have deleted him from your heart as well.

[LakesideDream]

Sorry but I thought I was still classed as the OW as although separated he has gone back to his wife now. Plus I don't really know the real truth about his marriage and separation.

 

Anyway a little victory it may be for me but he just signed into MSN (I thought I could no longer see him online as he deleted me) and was so tempted to speak to him but instead I deleted him without a word. The feeling in my stomach when he signed in was too much to bear and it's a relief to see him gone.

 

Sorry if this sounds pathetic to others who have been through a lot more than me. It just feels good to be strong even if only in a small way.

 

 

RN, that isn't a "little" victory it's a huge victoy. It's even better than a "win" it's a tangible sign that you know what's best for you and you are now strong enough to do what's best.

 

I said before I could read your pain in your posts, I still can. I can also read your determination. I don't diminish the feelings you have/had. They are very powerful emotions. Whether it was an "affair" or not is irrelevant as well. My opinion, seperated is seperated, that's a legal term. Divorce takes different periods of time in different localities. Mine took 72 hours because I got to the courthouse after the judge went home. Had he been there it would have been 30 minutes. There was no "seperation" other than the physical one.

 

The heart wants and needs what it wants and needs. It's the brains responsibility to moderate. Occasionally our brains need to protect us is strong enough to over ride our hearts desires. Occasionally. Consider yourself among the lucky, and congratulations.

 

Continue being lucky, this reads like it will pass with a bit more time. There are good men out there. Be cautious, and picky. If you give your heart to soon... keep it to yourself. At least make the man think he's earning it.

[jasminetea]

Oh for goodness sake! I can't believe the OP is being helped by proping up her fantasy of what she thinks the three weeks in question was all about.

 

Yes, yes, it hurts to be dumped. But honestly, feeding the melodrama isn't healthy.

[ladyRN]

So I was with someone for 3 weeks, I got heartbroken. It is truly the first time I have felt like this. I may seem immature to some in the way I deal with this but I lack experience with relationships. That is me. There are other things surrounding why but those do not belong here.

 

I realise I need to toughen up but I have not contacted him since he split, I have tried to let him and my dignity be. My emotions may be difficult to fathom for some, such sadness for such a short thing but I cannot and will not excuse how I have felt. I have posted on this site to get help and support with dealing with this, no matter how short the relationship. I have certainly not fantasized what it was about though, he got what he wanted, he has gone back to his marriage. End of. I was just left with the fallout of my emotions to deal with.

 

But anyway, time to move on...Thank you to all for your thoughts and opinions, it has helped me put things into perspective. Apologies if in fact this ended up being the wrong place to post.

[marlena]

I realise I need to toughen up

 

I like you just the way you are. Sensitive but smart, capable of feeling deep emotions but knowing when to keep them in control. Oh, did I mention smart as well? You knew when to pull out, knew what was best for you. That's more than what I knew at your age.

 

Please, don't leave the board. You can always help and support others!

 

Stay well.

[Owl]

JJ, I don't often disagree with you, but I kind of have to here.

 

This was an affair...a pretty classic, albeit short-lived one.

 

He CLAIMED to be seperated...there's no real evidence one way or another. She met him on an online dating site, which many MM looking to cheat are known to frequent these things and lie about their status.

 

Regardless, he was married, and hooked up with the OP...and during that time she became emotionally attached...and as a result felt devestated when he turned right around and went back to his wife.

 

I'm not ignoring the fact that they were only together a couple of weeks, nor do I truly feel that this was a full blown "LOVE" situation here, as I've said earlier.

 

But regardless, her story really isn't any different than the majority of OW stories here...with the exception of the abbreviated timeline.

 

With that said, I do believe she needs to get up, dust herself off, and drive on.

[ladyRN]

Thank you, I am doing. Or at least trying. No matter how sorrowful I may seem these things do happen for a reason and we learn from our mistakes. I do in fact feel I have taken something positive from this, a lesson to be learnt. I can see that now in retrospect.

[jj33]

Thanks Owl. I dont want to t/j but having dated separated men (only a few times for a month or so each time) it seems to me its par for the course when someone is separated and is not what I would think of as an affair otherwise all separated men would be deeemed to be married and shouldnt be dating and anyone they are dating is the OW if they decide not to get divorced.

 

How else is a guy going to know for sure. He may have thought he wanted to get divorced. As we see lots of people who are separated go back even when they think they never will.

 

To me that is not an affair its just a gamble that you took with your heart like any other. But I see your point.

[marlena]

How else is a guy going to know for sure. He may have thought he wanted to get divorced. As we see lots of people who are separated go back even when they think they never will.

 

 

Yes, this is true. It is like you said a gamble of the heart.

 

But Owl's words are also true.

 

He CLAIMED to be seperated...there's no real evidence one way or another. She met him on an online dating site, which many MM looking to cheat are known to frequent these things and lie about their status.

 

 

The short but intense dating period and the speed with which he swept her off her feet, promising her the moon and the stars, make me inclined to think that this man was very,very married and not separated at all. Of course, I could be wrong.