Do I send a 'closure' e-mail?

[SummerLady]

Been putting my feelings down in an e-mail for the MM that dropped me last week. Quite civil and not expecting a reply from him but I want him to truly know how I have felt. Maybe he doesn't deserve it. I haven't sent it but I just want peoples thoughts. Sometimes I find it helps with closure but then again should I just leave it? Anyway here it is:

 

Well it's been a week now. I've had time to think, I've had time to hurt. I wanted to send you this as I think you have a right to know how I have felt. Yes we knew each other for only 3 weeks. Yes it was very intense but I really felt like I had never met anyone like you before. You were kind, considerate, generous, loving, tactile, affectionate, intelligent, caring, interesting, funny.....Maybe I gave myself away too quickly, possibly a fault on my part. But I seemed to get the vibe back from you, all the nice things you said to me, how I made you feel, how I didn't judge, how I made you laugh.

I will, however, never know the truth, I only had what you told me. You have gone back to your marriage, you want to make things work. I understand you miss the family dynamic, you have to much to lose otherwise. You may not have gone back, you may be dating someone else. Like I said I will never know and I don't care to. All I want to say is that you caused me grief and upset that I didn't need in my life. I didn't deserve it. You slept with me the afternoon of the day you decided to return to your marriage. And yes it was the Sunday that you made that decision. I may have freaked you out with my anxiety and I can understand that but I in hindsight my body was telling me something didn't sit right. Something that you tried to convince me otherwise.

But every cloud has a silver lining, I know I have made a lucky escape. So yes you are right I do deserve better. I am a decent, loving and caring person who didn't deserve to have her feelings manipulated. You told me you had never lied to me but that is my point, you weren't honest to yourself about your true feelings for your wife all along. And I suppose I still stand by what I said, I was an escape from what you missed. Nothing more.

So I wish you every happiness in whatever you chose, just be careful of how you treat people who actually care about you as they might not always be so understanding.

 

I sent a closure email for ME. Not for a response. If your doing it to elicit some sort of communication or different outcome don't do it. I sent mine as a final goodbye and did not expect one back and did not get one. I needed to do it for me. I knew it was over in my heart and mind so I was in a good place. Do not send if you are not in a good place it will make it worse for you. I know this dance all to well. It took many years to work through it but I am finally done with it. Good Luck:)

[taylor]

I sent a closure email for ME. Not for a response. If your doing it to elicit some sort of communication or different outcome don't do it. I sent mine as a final goodbye and did not expect one back and did not get one. I needed to do it for me. I knew it was over in my heart and mind so I was in a good place. Do not send if you are not in a good place it will make it worse for you. I know this dance all to well. It took many years to work through it but I am finally done with it. Good Luck:)

 

I agree with this. If you need to send a closure e-mail so that you can say goodbye and walk away for good, then do it.

 

I needed to send one because there were too many unspoken words between us that led to alot of confusion, speculation, assumptions and misunderstandings that would have haunted me for a long, long time.

 

Once I sent the closure letter, I was at peace with how the affair ended and with the knowledge that everything had been placed in its proper perspective.

 

It was my goal to bring healing to both of us thru the closure letter.

 

I know it helped me to move forward.

[jasminetea]

Come on, you know three weeks is nothing to be so hurt about and if you send him a 'closure' email, it just demonstrates to him how weak and desperate you must be. He'll feel relieved rather than upset for you!

[marlena]

I know how much you are hurting but please,please do not show him how vulnerable you are by sending that letter. He didn't deserve your love. If you send him this letter, it will only stroke his over-inflated ego and make him feel six feet tall when he is but a midget.

 

There are a lot of MM predators on dating sites who just want the thrill of the chase, a fling to spice up their lives. I am willing to bet that he wasn't really separated, that he was very,very married. You fell for him hard and fast because that's what he wanted you to do. He played his cards right and you, like a lot of women, myself included, fell for it hook, line and sinker. He gave you all the right lines, charmed you into believing he was having the same feelings, swept you off your feet so that you could not resist him. This must have made him feel quite the Cassanova.

 

When he got what he wanted, and I don't mean just sex, but the validation and the excitement he was seeking, he pulled out the married card.

 

Even if everything he was saying to you were true, he should not have sucked you into a relationship until he had resolved his feelings for his wife and family.

 

If anything you should be angry, very angry for being targeted and lied to. His telling you that you were his soul mate and his destiny in three weeks' time is more than enough proof that this man was a lying jerk. The song "smooth operator" comes to mind.

 

So, please do not give him any more satisfaction than you already have. And like someone else said, turn this experience into a lesson and learn from it. Never, ever trust a man who promises the sky and the stars to you in three weeks time and especially not an allegedly separated man from a dating site.

 

You know you are worthy of much, much more. Now let him know it too through your deafening silence. Refuse any contact with him whatsoever.

[ladyRN]

It doesn't matter how long you were with someone whether 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years. I couldn't help how I feel and I don't feel I have to justify my emotions to anyone. It takes two and as far as I was concerned I felt like this guy was wanting the same thing as me, all of what he said and did led be to believe this. I feel foolish enough for falling for this BS.

But I have remained with NC. The e-mail remains and will continue to remain in drafts. I know that how I am feeling at the moment any sort of communication would be detrimental to me feeling better. I stand to lose in evry way if I send it whether it be no reply, a harsh reply or even civil one. The fact of the matter is he no longer wants to be with me. It will only ever cause me grief. In retrospect it was more of an exercise of letting go, not to actually follow it through and send.

[jj33]

RN I know you are suffering and I dont mean to make you feel worse but I think you have to take responsibility for your side of this as well.

 

You knew he was separated, you knew he wasnt divorced. Its a minefield. It was a risk. A risk worth taking but a risk nonetheless. I dont see why others are saying he lied to you or he was a predator. He was in a transitional point in his life.

 

He wasnt settled. He wasnt sure about anything. It was only 3 weeks. He loved spending time with you. But when it got down to the nitty gritty, he decided to go back to his wife.

 

You could say he shouldnt have sucked you into this while he was resolving his feelings for his wife and family, but by the same token you put yourself in that place.

 

It doesnt minimize the pain, but I am not sure how he has done wrong, other than by making a decision that is disappointing to you. It happens all the time. People meet (even 2 single people) they think the relationship will work and then a few weeks later perhaps it doesnt.

 

Whatever the dynamic dont send that email. It isnt going to change anything. At best it may prolong the contact between you and at worst it could lead to more pain by perhaps getting your hopes up again only to be followed by disappointment.

[jasminetea]

It doesn't matter how long you were with someone whether 3 weeks, 3 months or 3 years.

Yeah, it does, actually. Look, I'm guessing you're fairly young? Please try to stand back and see that there are many women out there older and more experienced than you who probably know what they're talking about, me included.

 

I couldn't help how I feel and I don't feel I have to justify my emotions to anyone.

Well you don't. But you did post about this situation on an open board and as a result you're going to get lots of different opinions and answers. Including ones that don't stroke your ego.

 

It takes two and as far as I was concerned I felt like this guy was wanting the same thing as me, all of what he said and did led be to believe this. I feel foolish enough for falling for this BS.

So he conned you. Don't give him the opportunity to feel relieved that he got rid of you, which is exactly how he'll feel if he gets any kind of contact from you.

 

Instead remain aloof and distant by keeping silent. That will speak volumes to him and they'll put you in a far better light, not only to him but to yourself.

 

But I have remained with NC. The e-mail remains and will continue to remain in drafts. I know that how I am feeling at the moment any sort of communication would be detrimental to me feeling better. I stand to lose in evry way if I send it whether it be no reply, a harsh reply or even civil one. The fact of the matter is he no longer wants to be with me. It will only ever cause me grief. In retrospect it was more of an exercise of letting go, not to actually follow it through and send.

Cool. Keep posting

[ladyRN]

Yes I knew he was separated. Yes I knew the risks. I take full responsibility for getting involved with this man, partly the reason I feel so s*** at the moment. I have only really myself to blame.

But he told me he had moved on from her, he wanted out of the marriage. He told me he still loved her, that he was not 'in love' with her. I understood him, I got him, he'd never met someone like me before blah blah blah. I fell for that. I fell for his BS about fate. I was introduced as his gf. I never expected to get feelings for him, we met and we had some fun and then I felt we connected. So yes although I am responsible for causing myself such grief I still have the right to be angry. He should have never gone onto dating sites if he had unfinished business.

[ladyRN]

It's not that I want my ego stroked. The reason I posted here was to get an outsiders perspective and advice from people who may have experienced similar emotional turmoil.

I may sound younger than I am, possibly due to how I have felt for someone after such a short time. But I am 31. I am independent, have a job and friends I love, a place to myself. The trouble is I am far too emotional for my own good and wear my heart on my sleeve when it comes to love and relationships.

Thanks for all your replies though. This site has helped me no end x

[jasminetea]

Well, I hope the experience will enable you to not give yourself away too quickly in future.

[taylor]

.

I know that how I am feeling at the moment any sort of communication would be detrimental to me feeling better. I stand to lose in evry way if I send it whether it be no reply, a harsh reply or even civil one.

 

If this is all true, then you already know the answer to your own question. You know what's in your best interest for healing. Stay NC.

[Impudent Oyster]

Do I send a closure email?

 

 

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!

 

Do not send ANYTHING or contact him in anyway. Just forget about him and thank you're lucky stars he only wasted a few weeks of your time.

 

DO NOT give him the satisfaction. Also, going on about how wonderful he is and how you had such deep feelings for him only makes you appear desperate.

 

Don't do it.

[jj33]

Again I dont want to pour salt on the wound but dating sites are just that - dating sites. I was on a few several years ago and most of the men were looking for a sexual conquest tho they couched their profiles in terms of long walks on the beach special someone settling down....

 

Sometimes you meet someone and you know right away and that "knowing" is real. Other times its a lot of projection on both sides - 2 nice people wanting to see their soulmate in each other.

 

I cant blame him for wanting to "get out there" and date after being separated for 10 months. Who knows how long it takes to get over someone. Many people find dating others helps.

 

I understand you are hurting and you are entitled to feel however you feel, I just dont see how he wronged you. That would be like saying everyone who ever said they cared for you and then broke up with you later was a liar and an awful person and thats just not how it is.

 

Its awful that you got your heart broken but I dont see a villian here.

[ladyRN]

Maybe but he stated feelings for me and said things to me that I thought were worth more than just words. I believed that he wanted to leave her, he convinced me he wanted divorce and to move on. He had bought a place of his own. She had bought him out of their married house. He slated his marriage no end, how unhappy he was. When he ended it, I told him I could understand his situation, he had more to lose with his marriage. He missed what he had and he missed his kids but also said that he could feel himself falling for me and could have seen it going somewhere if circumstances were different. Whether it was only 3 weeks or not, whether the things he said were true or not, they are things that I did not particularly want to hear.

 

I'm upset because of the feelings he stirred in me. The things I believed in him. I do believe he told me what I wanted to hear and only what he wanted to tell me. I fell hook line and sinker, I know that now.

[whichwayisup]

This isn't about his feelings for you, it's about his life he created with someone else. He wants it back and if they have children, they he owes not only his wife, but his children a chance of keeping the family together under one roof.

 

I'm sure during the time(s) he was with you, he meant what he said..Problem is, he obviously still had feelings for his wife, but buried them, or somehow they were renewed ,enough to make him want to go back.

 

Don't send any email. He made his choice and part of his consquence of letting you go is you not being in his life anymore and that includes email, text, phone call contact. Nothing..Don't send anything.

[marlena]

Its awful that you got your heart broken but I dont see a villian here.

 

You may be right but I see it differently. Telling somone you've just met that you love them, that they are your soul mate, that you were both destined to meet and share a life together is a HUGE red flag. Even more so, when it comes from the mouth of man who is nothing but a stranger that you met on the Internet. Many married men on dating sites use this ploy to simply have some fun. It is very common. I have no sympathy for this man.

 

I do have a lot of sympathy for this young girl who believed every lying word that issued from his mouth. Come one! THREE WEEKS and he was proclaiming his love and devotion while he was still married? Obviously, he wanted things to happen fast. He had an agenda. Of this, I am certain.

 

Lady RN, he doesn't deserve one tear of yours. Your heart may be a little bit broken but you are already just a little bit wiser.

[ladyRN]

He made his choice and part of his consquence of letting you go is you not being in his life anymore and that includes email, text, phone call contact. Nothing..Don't send anything.

 

I would just like to add that I may have cried about this man, felt completely destroyed about it ending and the things that he said but I will never ever give him the satisfaction of knowing that. The e-mail will always remain well and truly unsent. He has made his bed now he can lie in it.

[fooled once]

You may be right but I see it differently. Telling somone you've just met that you love them, that they are your soul mate, that you were both destined to meet and share a life together is a HUGE red flag. Even more so, when it comes from the mouth of man who is nothing but a stranger that you met on the Internet. Many married men on dating sites use this ploy to simply have some fun. It is very common. I have no sympathy for this man.

 

I do have a lot of sympathy for this young girl who believed every lying word that issued from his mouth. Come one! THREE WEEKS and he was proclaiming his love and devotion while he was still married? Obviously, he wanted things to happen fast. He had an agenda. Of this, I am certain.

 

Lady RN, he doesn't deserve one tear of yours. Your heart may be a little bit broken but you are already just a little bit wiser.

 

But she was also proclaiming her love to him after only 3 weeks; when she knew he was still married, she knew he loved his wife (because she posted that above) and while I feel sorry for her; she opened up way too quick for this guy and unfortunately, got hurt.

[ladyRN]

He was separated and had been for 10 months and he was on a dating site. So whether internet sites are dubious are not the fact is he was out there looking again. He was living away from his wife and had bought his own place. Obviously he would still care for someone whom he had been with for such a long time and bore him a child but he still insisted he was no longer 'in love' with her. He wanted out.

 

I never proclaimed love for him I just felt we had a strong connection and that it could go somewhere. I thought and he said he felt the same.

 

I got hurt. I never meant to get so deeply involved but sometimes these things just happen and it wasn't just on my part. This man was lying not only to me but to himself about what he truly wanted.

[marlena]

But she was also proclaiming her love to him after only 3 weeks; when she knew he was still married, she knew he loved his wife (because she posted that above) and while I feel sorry for her; she opened up way too quick for this guy and unfortunately, got hurt.

 

Then he had no business being on a dating site. No, she didn't know he was married. She knew that he was separated. He had no business romancing a young lady if he had unresolved issues with his wife. Personally, I think he misrepresented himself. In fact, it would not surprise me at all if he were not at all separated but still very much married. And yes, she did open up way too reaily and quickly but this is what he wanted so I'm sure he laid it on pretty thick.

 

It took me a long time to find this out but a lot of men on dating sites state separated when they really mean married. It is a convenient limbo state and provides an easy exit.

[LakesideDream]

ladyRN, I can hear the pain in your posts. I feel bad for you. That doesen't change the reality that there is no such thing as "closure".

 

Closure was made up by Oprah and Dr. Phil. It helps them keep and expand their audiance. The vast majority of the time it's the female of the species who would like to extend the misery they are feeling with "closure". When it's over it's over.

 

Don't let the oaf have the satisfaction of knowing you are still hurting, and need kind words from him to make your life complete.

[Owl]

He SAID that he'd been seperated for 10 months on that dating site.

 

That's the problem with using the internet and systems like that to meet people...you only know what they SAY...the truth could well have been something entirely different.

 

There's no way for you to know the full truth of the matter without a lot of digging...but I'd seriously suspect that he was lying from the very beginning. Look at it this way...would you have given him ANY kind of opportunity to 'be' with you at all if he'd said he was married and just fishing? Of course not...so he played it the way he had to in order to get the play that he wanted.

 

Right now, your best bet is to count this as a bad "learning experience"...and do your utmost to forget this guy.

[ladyRN]

Then he had no business being on a dating site. No, she didn't know he was married. She knew that he was separated. He had no business romancing a young lady if he had unresolved issues with his wife. Personally, I think he misrepresented himself. In fact, it would not surprise me at all if he were not at all separated but still very much married. And yes, she did open up way too reaily and quickly but this is what he wanted so I'm sure he laid it on pretty thick.

 

It is a convenient limbo state and provides an easy exit.

 

My point summed up entirely. I may have been naive but as far as I knew he wasn't going back to her and convinced me of that when I last saw him.

[marlena]

My point summed up entirely. I may have been naive but as far as I knew he wasn't going back to her and convinced me of that when I last saw him.

 

I believe you. I know exactly how he made you fall for him. MM do it all the time and cause women, both their spouses and the OW, so much pain and anguish.

 

You did nothing wrong. Honey, forget about him. It was a bad experience, that's all. It's a good thing you found out sooner than later. And do not give him the satisfaction of letting him know how much he hurt you. He doesn't deserve it. Let him think you meant nothing to him. Maybe that'll deflate his ego a bit.

[Impudent Oyster]

You may be right but I see it differently. Telling somone you've just met that you love them, that they are your soul mate, that you were both destined to meet and share a life together is a HUGE red flag. Even more so, when it comes from the mouth of man who is nothing but a stranger that you met on the Internet. Many married men on dating sites use this ploy to simply have some fun. It is very common. I have no sympathy for this man.

 

I do have a lot of sympathy for this young girl who believed every lying word that issued from his mouth. Come one! THREE WEEKS and he was proclaiming his love and devotion while he was still married? Obviously, he wanted things to happen fast. He had an agenda. Of this, I am certain.

 

Lady RN, he doesn't deserve one tear of yours. Your heart may be a little bit broken but you are already just a little bit wiser.

 

She is NOT a young girl.

 

Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe she said she's over 50.