Do I send a 'closure' e-mail?

[marlena]

Correct me if I'm wrong but I believe she said she's over 50.

 

I think she said she was 31. Regardless, it still doesn't make what he did right no matter how old the woman is.

[Impudent Oyster]

Then he had no business being on a dating site. No, she didn't know he was married. She knew that he was separated. He had no business romancing a young lady if he had unresolved issues with his wife. Personally, I think he misrepresented himself. In fact, it would not surprise me at all if he were not at all separated but still very much married. And yes, she did open up way too reaily and quickly but this is what he wanted so I'm sure he laid it on pretty thick.

 

It took me a long time to find this out but a lot of men on dating sites state separated when they really mean married. It is a convenient limbo state and provides an easy exit.

 

 

Agree, lesson learned.

 

What she needs to do is chalk this up to a learning experience and move on.

[Impudent Oyster]

I think she said she was 31. Regardless, it still doesn't make what he did right no matter how old the woman is.

 

 

I don't even think 31 is a "young girl" but...whatever.

 

It was only 3 weeks. Yes he's a player, but she found out pretty quickly, IMO.

[marlena]

What she needs to do is chalk this up to a learning experience and move on.

 

Yes, live and learn.

[ladyRN]

Age is irrelevant in all this. We have all been in this situation where we find ourselves getting swept up quickly in feelings for someone. It all depends on how much we allow ourselves to trust someone. Can we just continue through life disbelieving everything that someone tells us because we feel they have ulterior motives?

 

Likewise and I have learnt it quickly from this we shouldn't always fall for everything someone tells us. Especially if they have a tie to someone else, in this case no matter how separated he proclaimed to be, he was very much still married.

 

I have learnt a valuble if tough lesson in this, I HAVE to be more wary and keep my cards closer to my chest in future. But this site has helped a great deal and thank you all for the valuble advice.

[marlena]

Can we just continue through life disbelieving everything that someone tells us because we feel they have ulterior motives?

 

 

 

No, we can't. But it is through our mistakes that we acquire the wisdom to discern between who does or does not deserve our trust.

 

You have a very good attitude. You are sincere and willing to listen. Two very good traits so I am sure you will get over this guy very,very soon. My advice to you would be that if you continue to do the online dating thing, to be very, very careful, very watchful for red flags as soon as they appear. There are many, many dishonest people in there.

[jj33]

RN when a man says hes separated it could mean he is in the bedroom and she is in the kitchen - they are separated. When I did internet dating I made it a rule NOT to accept dates with separated men because it is a limbo state.

 

And in this case, he hadnt even started his divorce. its a lesson learned. I hope you feel better soon.

[marlena]

When I did internet dating I made it a rule NOT to accept dates with separated men because it is a limbo state.

 

 

Good rule. I did the same after a I leaned the hard way, too. Separated could also mean his wife is working in another town, visiting his mother, in hospital, on sabbatical etc.... The list is really endless.

 

Lesson learned for sure. The internet is full of MM out to grab ah, let's say, an opportunity. They could care less about the lies that they are spewing because they do not plan to stick around long enough for you to find out the truth. They are hit-and-run men.

 

Now, how do you tell a decent, really separated man who is truly determined to divorce from one of these married clowns ?

 

Here's my experience and I had a lot of it. The predator will turn on the charm to the hilt and he'll do it fast, so fast you won't know what hit you. He will be all that you ever wanted in a man. The feeling you will get is "this is too good to be true." And, of course, you find out later that indeed it wasn't true.

 

A sincere man will not be in a hurry. He will take his time to get to know you because he has all the time in the world and is not looking to "sell" himself to you. These men are few and far between on the net. Most just want a quick fix and then, abracadabra, they vanish into thin air!!

 

These men need to be hung by their you-know-what!!!

 

Anyway, Lady RN, I, too, hope you feel better soon too. If it's any comfort, many women have been taken in by men like this.

[jasminetea]

Blimey, I'd have thought this thread would have disappeared by now. I feel quite bad about it, to be honest. It detracts from and diminishes the pain of the OW here who's relationships with MM have ended after years of investment and love.

 

Is it really possible to have the same level of feelings and consequent pain on ending, after three weeks? I just can't believe it.

[marlena]

Is it really possible to have the same level of feelings and consequent pain on ending, after three weeks? I just can't believe it.

 

As for as intensity of pain and similarity of feelings are concerned, yes, it is possible. Deception and a dream gone sour always hurts. Where the difference lies, I think, is in the duration. Of course, you get over it much,much quicker when the sham lasted only three weeks. The OP will be OK in a couple of weeks. As for OW in long-term affairs with MM, it takes a long, long time and the damage is by far greater.

[ladyRN]

Blimey, I'd have thought this thread would have disappeared by now. I feel quite bad about it, to be honest. It detracts from and diminishes the pain of the OW here who's relationships with MM have ended after years of investment and love

 

In all due respect, it does not matter how long you have known this person or how long you were involved. I have been involved in other relationships before and never felt anything like this, even if they were for much longer. The fact is I fell for this man and all that he was about, I too was astonished I could develop such feelings in such a short time but that's just how things go. But as has been said, as it was such a short relationship I will get over him in a shorter time. NC is the only way forward and I am sticking to it.

 

So, I am not trying to diminish or detract from the pain of the OW on here. If anything, it has made me realise what so much more these women go through and I could not even try to imagine it.

[Devil Inside]

In all due respect, it does not matter how long you have known this person or how long you were involved. I have been involved in other relationships before and never felt anything like this, even if they were for much longer. The fact is I fell for this man and all that he was about, I too was astonished I could develop such feelings in such a short time but that's just how things go. But as has been said, as it was such a short relationship I will get over him in a shorter time. NC is the only way forward and I am sticking to it.

 

So, I am not trying to diminish or detract from the pain of the OW on here. If anything, it has made me realise what so much more these women go through and I could not even try to imagine it.

 

Your emotions are yours...no one can tell you how to feel. Three days, months, years...who cares. Sometimes we have a bond with certain people that is out of this world.

 

I think you handled the situation pretty well once you knew he was married. If you could read minds then you would have backed away.

[jasminetea]

It seems very immature to me. Much like the intensity of a crush is when the object of the fascination is perfect, before their true persona is understood.

[ladyRN]

Call it what you will, immature, inexperienced, but these are the feelings that I experienced and I am not going to deny them. This wasn't something that was unrequited like a teenage crush. I got back from him the same as he got from me, a feeling that he had never met anyone like this before, that we connected. He would see me when ever he had the free time, would take me out, pamper me. I wanted to, I tried with all my strength to hold on from getting too involved but the way I felt, we felt, developed so fast.

 

So yes I have been burnt, I got caught up too quickly. But at the end of the day this man is also to blame for leading me to believe that this is how he felt.

[jj33]

Lady RN I feel for you and I hope the pain goes away soon - and maybe its semantics, but I still dont see how you were the other woman.

 

This was not an affair. He was legitimately separated. he decided to go back but this was not adultery, this was not you being his mistress. This was a man who was separated and decided to give his marriage a go.

 

It would only BE an affair if you contact him and see him in the hopes that he changes his mind...

[ladyRN]

No it wasn't an affair, he told me he classed himself as single and that he wanted to follow the divorce route. He lived apart from her, she had bought him out and he had bought his own place. I just got caught up in his mixed emotions and in retrospect I feel I was just a substitute for what his marriage may have been missing, who knows. I will never know and never care to know the truth.

 

More than a week has gone by and I have remained NC and things indeed are getting easier. I no longer feel the sinking feeling in my stomach so much now, I am regaining my appetite and am keeping busy. I have been offered a job in Australia and hope to emigrate early next year. I realise I have a lot of good things to focus on for the future.

 

I understand how some folk may not understand how I could have such strong feelings after such a short relationship with someone. If it were someone else, a friend maybe, feeling the way I have been I would probably take the same view. But everyone is different, we meet people in our lives that can capture our thoughts and emotions just like that. It's only until you experience it personally that you can truly understand it.

[ladydesigner]

So yes I have been burnt, I got caught up too quickly. But at the end of the day this man is also to blame for leading me to believe that this is how he felt.

 

LadyRN I also was in a short affair about a month and a half. I was friends with the OM a year before we started the affair. Even though the duration of the affair was short I still fell hard as did the OM but I do feel as you said in the quote above that he lead me on. That is what I find so upsetting is that they tell you these things...that they feel the same way, have never felt this way before... blah blah blah. These men or women are all the same. Like they studied at the same school or something on how to lead others on in an affair. In my case the affair was more emotional than sexual so I know it wasn't just for the sex... so why lead someone on? I will never get this:mad:

[Devil Inside]

so why lead someone on? I will never get this:mad:

 

 

I think that the MM/MW also get caught up in a fantasy. I truly believed my xOW would be my saving grace. Would make all my problems go away. Would make me feel like the man I never was. Looking back I realize that my inaction communicated to her my true intentions...even if I could never face them...I was never going to be hers.

[ladydesigner]

Looking back I realize that my inaction communicated to her my true intentions...even if I could never face them...I was never going to be hers.

 

I believe this is was what happened to me as well. I never made an action to leave my marriage. Although once I started speaking to the OM in terms of leaving my marriage...poof he was gone! I guess like many say on this forum he wanted the affair and not the commitment.

[jasminetea]

It's only until you experience it personally that you can truly understand it.

Actually I've experienced exactly what you describe but I've also experienced the polar opposite - love that's grown from a mature starting point, and because of that I understand more than you're able to give credit for.

[ladyRN]

I may not be able to give credit for it because I have not experienced the polar opposite that you have described. I am not sure what is meant by 'mature starting point' but all I know is that I have had to learn from this experience. I did not particularly want to get dragged through emotional turmoil for a man that yes in reality, I really didn't know that well. But I got blinded by my own feelings and because of what he told me I allowed myself to fall for this man.

 

Some might think I seem a little young in how I have dealt with this but as someone who has not a lot of experience with LTRs it's just how I am. This site has certainly helped me to understand things a lot better though and from now on will be focussing on getting my life back on track. The way I want things. Thanks for all the support

[Owl]

Call it what you will, immature, inexperienced, but these are the feelings that I experienced and I am not going to deny them. This wasn't something that was unrequited like a teenage crush. I got back from him the same as he got from me, a feeling that he had never met anyone like this before, that we connected. He would see me when ever he had the free time, would take me out, pamper me. I wanted to, I tried with all my strength to hold on from getting too involved but the way I felt, we felt, developed so fast.

 

So yes I have been burnt, I got caught up too quickly. But at the end of the day this man is also to blame for leading me to believe that this is how he felt.

 

Yes, this WAS very much like a teenaged crush.

 

You didn't know him long enough to have learned enough about him to have deeply loved him.

 

You were in love with your PERCEPTION of him...you weren't in love with the man himself. You simply didn't know him well enough to be in love with him in the same kind of fashion that a long term love works.

 

There's a distinct difference between being in love with someone you've known for years on an intimate level and someone you've known for 3 weeks. I'm also curious...out of that 3 weeks...how much of that communication during that time was "face to face" vs telephone and/or IM/email? How many total hours/days would you estimate you spent IM/email...how many hours/days total did you spend on the phone with him...and how many total hours/days did you spend physically in his presence?

 

Can you see what I'm talking about here? How can you truly KNOW someone deeply enough to compare to a long term relationship in three weeks? At 3 weeks, you're still in the infatuation/attraction stage...there's simply not enough deep communication for it to have developed into a love of the person.

 

You're in love with the fantasy of him...in love with your perception of who you think he is/could be.

[marlena]

At 3 weeks, you're still in the infatuation/attraction stage..

 

 

True but that can be one helluva powerful phase, Lake!!

 

 

You're in love with the fantasy of him...in love with your perception of who you think he is/could be.

 

True again but you usually find this out much later. While in "hot mode" you just can't see it.

[ladyRN]

What you say is true, I fell for the perception of him not the man himself, I know myself 3 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things. All I am saying is that I couldn't help my emotions when I was with him, they became stronger and stronger everytime we saw each other. I also thought he had a connection with me as he told me he felt that way. But he could have said it all to ultimately get what he wanted from this, or he may have told the truth, I'll never know. Looking back I can possibly see I was losing my grasp on what was really going on, I am inexperienced in affairs of the heart, something I will openly admit to. Hence a reason for being on this site.

 

I'm not here to be judged on whether my feelings were right or wrong in all this. I'm not going to compare myself to others who have been in longer or shorter relationships than mine. Emotions are subjective and I know that I felt differently about this man than I have with anyone else. Of course I could not possibly know this man so well after just 3 weeks but I just felt like I did, like we had known each other for years. That's where I felt the connection.

[Owl]

What you say is true, I fell for the perception of him not the man himself, I know myself 3 weeks is nothing in the grand scheme of things. All I am saying is that I couldn't help my emotions when I was with him, they became stronger and stronger everytime we saw each other. I also thought he had a connection with me as he told me he felt that way. But he could have said it all to ultimately get what he wanted from this, or he may have told the truth, I'll never know. Looking back I can possibly see I was losing my grasp on what was really going on, I am inexperienced in affairs of the heart, something I will openly admit to. Hence a reason for being on this site.

 

I'm not here to be judged on whether my feelings were right or wrong in all this. I'm not going to compare myself to others who have been in longer or shorter relationships than mine. Emotions are subjective and I know that I felt differently about this man than I have with anyone else. Of course I could not possibly know this man so well after just 3 weeks but I just felt like I did, like we had known each other for years. That's where I felt the connection.

 

There is some wisdom in this post.

 

Most people would have fought to the bitter end trying to convince all of us that we were wrong...that your love for him was pure and just and right and fated to be etc...

 

Sometimes...the perception is all that matters at that moment. And that's what you're telling us...at that moment...at the times when you were with him...that perception was all that mattered.

 

Fair enough.

 

The trick is to recognize that part of your healing process at this point is going to be to realize that your perception of who he was turned out to be a good deal different than who he really turned out to be. The fact that he went back to her, possibly had never truly seperated and had lied about it the whole time to you just to get what he wanted....all of this shows you that he wasn't what you really thought he was.

 

Knowing that, use it to help yourself "get over" him that much quicker.

 

Chalk it up as a really rough learning experience...