Still heart broken and terrified I may never recover!

[gd26]

Broken Hearted,

 

I feel really badly about the heartbreak you are going through with your husband, but I am also concerned about the way your emotions will be affecting your unborn baby. Your unborn child and your son are your 2 biggest priorities here. I am in the medical field, and I have read studies that show that a mother's emotional stress can affect her unborn child's long-term health (such as more likely to have depression or anxiety later in life), as the baby is exposed to all the extra stress hormones in your body. I don't want to freak you out by saying this, but I just want to emphasize that it is important to get grounded now so that your unborn child doesn't continue to be exposed to your stress hormones which affect his/her development.

 

Regardless of your husband's ridiculous behavior, it is really important that you find a way to center yourself in the midst of this turmoil. I know you are hurting right now and going through a lot of craziness with your spouse, but the most important thing right now is that your children are with a mother who is grounded and peaceful. It might be very difficult to remain peaceful while you have a divorce in the near future, but it's crucial that you not expose these kids to this stress.

[broken hearted]

I will be seeing my lawyer again today and filing for divorce. I didn't want it to get ugly, especially for the kids, but he has already started to take it in that direction. I am going to get as much as I can out of him since we had set up our life so that I worked very little and stayed home with the kids, not having to pay daycare. He should have enough left over to afford to live at his parent's for the rest of his life...he's been pretty comfortable there for the last 7 months so he may not mind anyway!

 

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IT'S COME TO THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WE ARE DOING THIS TO OUR CHILDREN! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO HAVE A LIFE WITH THEIR MOMMY AND DADDY TOGETHER IN ONE HOME!

 

I think he was waiting for me to file so that I looked like the "bad guy" and not him! I didn't want a divorce and somehow still don't but I feel at this point, he has left me no other choice. He is the one who did this to his children, not me...

[tojaz]

I will be seeing my lawyer again today and filing for divorce. I didn't want it to get ugly, especially for the kids, but he has already started to take it in that direction. I am going to get as much as I can out of him since we had set up our life so that I worked very little and stayed home with the kids, not having to pay daycare. He should have enough left over to afford to live at his parent's for the rest of his life...he's been pretty comfortable there for the last 7 months so he may not mind anyway!

 

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IT'S COME TO THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WE ARE DOING THIS TO OUR CHILDREN! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO HAVE A LIFE WITH THEIR MOMMY AND DADDY TOGETHER IN ONE HOME!

 

I think he was waiting for me to file so that I looked like the "bad guy" and not him! I didn't want a divorce and somehow still don't but I feel at this point, he has left me no other choice. He is the one who did this to his children, not me...

 

Let him file if he wants out so bad. It will cost you less in the long run. I think your right about him wanting you to be the bad guy. All the more reason to make him do it.

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

Tojaz-at this point, I can't wait for him to file! I need to make sure that myself and my children are taken care of financially and I think the only way I can get the court to help with that is filing for divorce. We aren't legally separated so he is not mandated to provide money for myself or the children unless the court says so.

[broken hearted]

Wow - he certainly harbors a tremendous amount of resentment toward you. From your initial post on June 18th, seems he'd have reason to do so:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192415/

If you have apologized and acknowledged your mistakes, then there is nothing more to be done. I have seen men that are passive explode and come to hate the woman that they are with. She becomes a reminder of the version of himself that he despises (doormat, jack*ass, tool, whipping post, etc...). Unfortunately, the only unconditional love we can hope for in this life is the love from a parent/parental figure. Not from a spouse.

 

Can someone fill me in on this? I need someone to fill me in on where I went so wrong and caused so much pain and hurt to my husband that he did all of this to me. I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve such abandonment, betrayal, hurt, and everything else I've been put through. I do take responsibility for things I've said or done that has hurt or upset my husband but I don't believe that it was anything so bad to end in divorce or even him spending two nights at his parent's house.

[Gunny376]

The biggest thing I see wrong here is that your a woman?

 

That is to say is your brain is literally hard-wired differently from that of a man. In short your 'hard-wired' to be a woman.

 

That and being 'pregno'?

 

Being 'pregno' and a woman doesn't make you wrong in your perspective and attitude?

 

It makes you 'pregno' and a woman!

 

Now baring any mental defect such as being manic drepressive, bi-polar ~ which I don't see any evidence of?

 

The problem here is his inability to understand that your a woman and pregno? And what that means?

 

 

Quit beating yourself up for being what you were born to be! A woman!

 

That's not to say your a slave to your hormones ~ your not! But your hormones do play a large part in your drives right now ~ especially since your pregno.

[phineas]

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IT'S COME TO THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WE ARE DOING THIS TO OUR CHILDREN! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO HAVE A LIFE WITH THEIR MOMMY AND DADDY TOGETHER IN ONE HOME!

 

 

This.

 

And, I can't believe he walked out on his pregnant wife.

Perhaps you are this horrible person he thinks you are.

Perhaps you are not.

doesn't matter.

You are carrying his unborn child & he has a duty to make sure that child is taken care off even if it means taking care of you.

 

Least that's how I see it.

[broken hearted]

Well, it's official...I filed for divorce this morning! I feel like I had no other choice and that he pushed me to do this! Somehow I still feel as though I have betrayed my children by doing this to them. I feel some sort of weight off my back for filing and knowing there's an end in sight but I also feel as though I betrayed my children by being the one to make it official!

 

I do, however, believe he pushed this and I had no other choice! He's getting nastier and nastier by the day!

[lupa]

Well, it's official...I filed for divorce this morning! I feel like I had no other choice and that he pushed me to do this! Somehow I still feel as though I have betrayed my children by doing this to them. I feel some sort of weight off my back for filing and knowing there's an end in sight but I also feel as though I betrayed my children by being the one to make it official!

 

I do, however, believe he pushed this and I had no other choice! He's getting nastier and nastier by the day!

I'd hug you if you were here. Since you are not, just know that we support you in whatever you need to do, and you can take strength from us whenever you need.

[phineas]

Well, it's official...I filed for divorce this morning! I feel like I had no other choice and that he pushed me to do this! Somehow I still feel as though I have betrayed my children by doing this to them. I feel some sort of weight off my back for filing and knowing there's an end in sight but I also feel as though I betrayed my children by being the one to make it official!

 

I do, however, believe he pushed this and I had no other choice! He's getting nastier and nastier by the day!

 

If I remember correctly, he's the one sleeping around.

He's the one that left the marital home.

No way you can be seen as the bad guy.

[LisaUk]

Broken

 

Just caught up on your thread

 

1. What your H said about not being your coach, I am so appalled I am lost for words. I agree totally with everything Tojaz said on this matter.

 

2. You have done the best for your children in the situation you are in, you are making sure they are provided for b/c your H won't. I know you didn't want to file, but see it as providing for your children. You are the best mother any child could wish for.

 

3. The post from another member you didn't understand. I didn't get it either, I re-read your orginal post. I think you said something about your H saying you were controlling, I'm guessing the member concered took that literally. However, I personally did not think you meant controlling in that extreme abusive way, that does not sound like you at all.

 

4. Ditto to what Lupa said, he has a better way of putting things than me, but I would like to emphasise his sentiments.

 

Hugs.

[Auroracoladybug]

I will be seeing my lawyer again today and filing for divorce. I didn't want it to get ugly, especially for the kids, but he has already started to take it in that direction. I am going to get as much as I can out of him since we had set up our life so that I worked very little and stayed home with the kids, not having to pay daycare. He should have enough left over to afford to live at his parent's for the rest of his life...he's been pretty comfortable there for the last 7 months so he may not mind anyway!

 

I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE THAT IT'S COME TO THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT WE ARE DOING THIS TO OUR CHILDREN! I CAN'T BELIEVE HE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE THEM A CHANCE TO HAVE A LIFE WITH THEIR MOMMY AND DADDY TOGETHER IN ONE HOME!

 

I think he was waiting for me to file so that I looked like the "bad guy" and not him! I didn't want a divorce and somehow still don't but I feel at this point, he has left me no other choice. He is the one who did this to his children, not me...

 

"We" hun are not doing this to your children he is!...he left and he decided not to help when you need it the most...You and I are in nearly the same boat...I just am not pregnant...I also have a two year old and in the beginning J said that he would help me out (he even moved into a friends basement for no rent to do that) and then he morphed into more of a zombie and hasn't helped or showed any interest to take our son and do things...and yes I don't want a divorce and I want to work things out but not with this person (my husband yes but there is just a shell there to the person I knew)...

[Auroracoladybug]

I forgot to add...I have a journal for my son that I write in things going on in our life...I am going to give it to him when he turns 18...put your feelings down...hell put a printout of this forum in there, put pictures, put momentos...I tell him what is going on and my feelings about him especially...I include fears, anger, everything...you are a loving mother and that will ultimately teach her child what she can (hopefully they never make our mistakes)

[broken hearted]

I'm a little concerned! I just found out that the lawyer my husband got is a really good divorce attorney!

 

I feel like I've been so wronged and screwed over that any judge would give me more than 50/50 assets and 50/50 custody.

 

My attorney did say that the judge that's on duty for the next year favors women!

 

A little scared...

[LisaUk]

Broken don't be scared, any judge can see what has happened here, that you wanted to try and repair your marriage, YOUR HUSBAND ABANDONED YOU! He left you pregnant and with a two year old to cheat with another women. Anyone can see what happened here and who is in the wrong. To be honest Broken, I think you are a remarkably strong women, it doesn't get much worse than what's happened to you.

[tojaz]

Wow - he certainly harbors a tremendous amount of resentment toward you. From your initial post on June 18th, seems he'd have reason to do so:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t192415/

If you have apologized and acknowledged your mistakes, then there is nothing more to be done. I have seen men that are passive explode and come to hate the woman that they are with. She becomes a reminder of the version of himself that he despises (doormat, jack*ass, tool, whipping post, etc...). Unfortunately, the only unconditional love we can hope for in this life is the love from a parent/parental figure. Not from a spouse.

 

Can someone fill me in on this? I need someone to fill me in on where I went so wrong and caused so much pain and hurt to my husband that he did all of this to me. I honestly don't understand what I've done to deserve such abandonment, betrayal, hurt, and everything else I've been put through. I do take responsibility for things I've said or done that has hurt or upset my husband but I don't believe that it was anything so bad to end in divorce or even him spending two nights at his parent's house.

Ignore this one Broken, they are just looking to stir the pot. I've been following your thread for some time, read every page. You did nothing wrong that I can see.

 

Broken

 

Just caught up on your thread

 

1. What your H said about not being your coach, I am so appalled I am lost for words. I agree totally with everything Tojaz said on this matter.

 

2. You have done the best for your children in the situation you are in, you are making sure they are provided for b/c your H won't. I know you didn't want to file, but see it as providing for your children. You are the best mother any child could wish for.

 

3. The post from another member you didn't understand. I didn't get it either, I re-read your orginal post. I think you said something about your H saying you were controlling, I'm guessing the member concered took that literally. However, I personally did not think you meant controlling in that extreme abusive way, that does not sound like you at all.

 

4. Ditto to what Lupa said, he has a better way of putting things than me, but I would like to emphasise his sentiments.

 

Hugs.

Couldn't have said it better myself!

TOJAZ

[broken hearted]

Thanks so much everyone! I really couldn't have gotten through any of this without this forum and without the support of so many of you...especially Tojaz, Lupa, LisaUK, and many more that I am not thinking of right now...sorry I am still not thinking very clearly with the emotional day I had!

 

I just hope I did the right thing...

[tojaz]

Thanks so much everyone! I really couldn't have gotten through any of this without this forum and without the support of so many of you...especially Tojaz, Lupa, LisaUK, and many more that I am not thinking of right now...I'd like to thank the academy, and my agent.....(Sorry, just popped into my head)LOL

sorry I am still not thinking very clearly with the emotional day I had!

 

I just hope I did the right thing...

 

Thanks for that Broken, I'm glad I could help in some small way.

You did the right thing. How long could you go on being treated like this? Should you? You deserve to be happy, and to be with someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. I think you understand that, and when they are old enough, your kids will understand that too. Your not depriving them of a complete family, your giving them the gift of a loving home free of the tension and stress of a marriage thats "for the kids" always remember that even though you filed, you did everything you could to save it. Your the one walking away with your integrity intact. In the end, that will mean more to you and your kids then where daddy lives.

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

H*ll no!! You did nothing wrong. He did it all, himself. Do not take the blame for his behaviour. Ever.

 

None of us are perfect. When someone does the unthinkable to us, we beat ourselves up over it. That's natural, that is human.

 

You didn't make him abandon his family. He did that all on his own. He needs consequences for his actions. He got his jollies with another, while you are pregnant with his 2nd child. There is nothing you could have done to prevent what he CHOSE to do. His selfishness and thoughtlessness took over. He, of course, will blame you, and people reading your thread, the select few mind you, would side with him!!! Ludicrous, I know..but it takes all kinds to make this world.

 

I have followed your story from the beginning and the person that put their 2 cents in, did not. That much is obvious.

[broken hearted]

The practical, realistic side of me knows I did the right thing bc there was no hope for us anymore. He is nastier and more vindictive everyday and I have to look out for myself and my children!

 

My heart and the emotional side of me can't quite seem to shake the feeling that I somehow betrayed my children! I honestly would have done anything to make my marriage work, not only for my children but for the man that I have always and will always love so dearly. He honestly used to be the man of my dreams and the love of my life! He was an AMAZING FATHER AND HUSBAND at one point! I'm still convinced that he may be bipolar or severely depressed but I can no longer have that at mine and my children's expense. If he needs help and won't seek it, there's nothing I can do!

 

I just hope he realizes how much I have always loved and adored him and that I would have done anything to make our marriage work and to be with him for the rest of our lives. My only regret is that if he doesn't realize this!

 

I guess the true love of my life is still out there somewhere waiting to come into mine and my children's lives...

[broken hearted]

Just got a call from my attorney's office! My paperwork was supposed to be filed today and my husband was going to be served! Turns out, he must have gotten to his attorney yesterday as well and filed bc his paperwork was faxed to my attorney this morning and my attorney is going to let him do the actual filing so he has to pay all the fees. So now, I have to go accept services instead of him!

 

I got off the phone and broke down into tears...why, I don't know! I guess it just hurts that he filed! Not sure, the outcome is still the same...

[Auroracoladybug]

broken hearted ((hugs)) it is okay to break down in tears all the what might have been just finally hit the brick wall from him...I would look at it this way even now the kids will have more proof that he instigated it and he is at fault...don't harp on that tho find that man who will want you and your beautiful children (they really are out there and you and I are on the hunt now...unfortunately I am not nearly as attractive as you lol)...I am hoping that I luck out and my H files soon because otherwise I will have to...my dad can't keep supporting me and my son and I can't keep waiting forever for CS...trust me I am there with you, I need a good drunk night of falling apart then a good massage...

[tojaz]

Just got a call from my attorney's office! My paperwork was supposed to be filed today and my husband was going to be served! Turns out, he must have gotten to his attorney yesterday as well and filed bc his paperwork was faxed to my attorney this morning and my attorney is going to let him do the actual filing so he has to pay all the fees. So now, I have to go accept services instead of him!

 

I got off the phone and broke down into tears...why, I don't know! I guess it just hurts that he filed! Not sure, the outcome is still the same...

 

I remember vividly when my wife filed, we had been talking about reconciling just the night before, then sh ecalled me at work the next morning while I'm walking on clouds to tell me she filed, and that she felt great when she signed the papers. I was completely crushed!! There are going to be a lot of moments like that. They all hurt. I almost fainted when i was served, she had the Sheriff do it!! When i had to mail back the settlement agreement, I cried at the mailbox, and again when the final decree came. I'm telling you this Broken, because it's a hard road thet toys with your emotions. I expected none of those reactions and thats what killed me. Prepare yourself, so you can be strong for your kids, and remind yourself that you did the right thing, because you did. That true love of your life is out there, when your ready you will find him.

TOJAZ

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

Just got a call from my attorney's office! My paperwork was supposed to be filed today and my husband was going to be served! Turns out, he must have gotten to his attorney yesterday as well and filed bc his paperwork was faxed to my attorney this morning and my attorney is going to let him do the actual filing so he has to pay all the fees. So now, I have to go accept services instead of him!

 

I got off the phone and broke down into tears...why, I don't know! I guess it just hurts that he filed! Not sure, the outcome is still the same...

 

Hi Broken

 

Of course it hurts that he filed, but if nothing else you now have total peace of mind over any guilt towards your children that you were feeling. Not that you need to feel guilty, you were just doing what you had to. Keep posting, we're here for you.

 

Hugs.

[2.50 a gallon]

broken hearted

 

A day with out posting, I am concerned. I hope you are doing better