Do I/How should I tell his wife?

[NoIDidn't]

Loripuff - I am with you, and I'd love to communicate with you without having an audience of judgmental and harsh women that are clearly unleashing their own projections onto you. May they someday experience the pain, humiliation and anger that you're experiencing now. I, too, want to tell his wife. Revenge, yes. He lied to me, used me, reeled me back in countless times, and then turned on me the minute his happy home was in danger. I am both devastated and enraged. I want to hit him where it hurts exactly as he's done to me. So Loripuff, if you're still bothering to read this thread after all of the rude "support" you've received, please respond, I'd love to talk to you. Hang in there.

 

So you are going to turn his W into his "mommie" and tell on him?

 

You made an adult choice. This isn't about truth in advertising. You didn't buy a defective product. You knew he was cheating on his W. Especially since you say he "reeled you BACK in" countless times.

 

What would be the point of telling his W? Seriously. So she can feel the way you do? Because he isn't going to feel that way, he got what he wanted out of the deal.

 

I'm sorry, but revenge telling is just childish. You would not be justified in telling only because things didn't work out the way you had hoped.

[SunRays20]

Wow SunRay that was particularly insightful and helpful. Do you feel better now?

 

No. Do you?

[MuddlingThrough]

It amazes me that those of you who are standing in judgment could be so very certain that nothing like this could ever happen to you. Not one of you has ever made a questionable decision? Hurt someone? Done something you regret? Fantasized about getting revenge? Trod on someone else's feelings and put your own first? Never, huh? Somehow loving another woman's husband is faaaaaaar worse than any transgressions you may have made, right? What about attacking people anonymously on a thread that's very focus is about BEING THE OTHER WOMAN? Does that fall under the umbrella of your definition of "honorable?" It must be so superlatively wonderful to be as guilt-free, pure, and, well, smug, as you. Internet bullies need to turn the same magnifying glass on themselves that they so easily turn on complete strangers.

[Athena]

It would be purely revenge, but is there anything wrong with that? I wouldn't be so upset if he had just been up front with me about trying to repair things with his wife, rather than come over to my house for sex. This is the first time I felt like I was used. He is a pig and needs some consequences. What about telling him that he needs to tell her or I will?

 

First of all, you are being delusional if you think that any Affair isn't based on Lies! Just because you know about his wife, and she doesn't know about you does not mean that the MM is being honest and honorable with YOU.

That whole affair was based on lies. So why act surprised/shocked/hurt/betrayed now that you find out he is capable of deceiving you?!

 

Secondly, the problem with you being 'purely revengeful' in telling on him is that it is despicable of you to be in love with a man for years, then turn around and betray him just because you are not getting exactly what you want out of him anymore! You were an active participant in helping him to betray his wife, now you wish to turn him in... okay, but would you be so willing to turn him in if you were going to be stoned to death for your participation?

 

Jeez -- you chose to do that. You took a gamble and a risk of being hurt and now you are trying to cry 'no fair' and get him punished because you are hurt! Where are you morals? Where is your sense of dignity? How can you turn around and betray a man you 'loved' and were involved in the same crime you wish him to be punished for?!

 

It is not for YOU to tell his wife. Personally, I hope the BS finds out about her low-life H but not from you... you have an obligation to your ex-lover to not turn him in... sheesh -- have you not heard that even Thieves have honor amongst themselves? Where is your honor?

[NoIDidn't]

It amazes me that those of you who are standing in judgment could be so very certain that nothing like this could ever happen to you. Not one of you has ever made a questionable decision? Hurt someone? Done something you regret? Fantasized about getting revenge? Trod on someone else's feelings and put your own first? Never, huh? Somehow loving another woman's husband is faaaaaaar worse than any transgressions you may have made, right? What about attacking people anonymously on a thread that's very focus is about BEING THE OTHER WOMAN? Does that fall under the umbrella of your definition of "honorable?" It must be so superlatively wonderful to be as guilt-free, pure, and, well, smug, as you. Internet bullies need to turn the same magnifying glass on themselves that they so easily turn on complete strangers.

 

Sure, I've done all the things listed. But I didn't go and tell on myself afterwards.

 

No one is attacking you. But you are on the very edge of attacking us for pointing out the folly of telling his mommy on him.

 

Internet bullies? LOLOLOLOLOL. You don't know what an internet bully is if you think that people strongly disagreeing with you qualifies. LMAO!!!

 

You also don't seem to know internet etiquette, since we are pointing fingers now. You are threadjacking loripuff's thread. Start your own so you can have a thread that's all about you and your perception of what goes on here.

[MuddlingThrough]

SunRays - me thinkst thou dost protest too much! Equating adultery with murder and the other various behaviors you mentioned is quite a stretch. Something tells me you might just be the politician who railed about the sin of homosexuality and then was arrested trying to have a gay rendezvous in an airport bathroom! Or are you the church leader who stood before his congregation with his wife by his side and spouted off about immoral sinners as he arranged sex with strange men on the internet? Well, guess what? I never stole a cookie from the cookie jar when I was a kid. Obviously, people who did steal cookies are thieves, murderers, and pedophiles. A totally reasonable extrapolation, right? You sound like a truly lovely, kind, and empathetic person, SunRays. My question is this: What are you doing on this thread in the first place? Go start a "Ridiculously-Argued Holier-Than-Thou" thread where you can commune with the other two people in the world who are as perfect as you.

[Athena]

SunRays - me thinkst thou dost protest too much! Equating adultery with murder and the other various behaviors you mentioned is quite a stretch. Something tells me you might just be the politician who railed about the sin of homosexuality and then was arrested trying to have a gay rendezvous in an airport bathroom!

 

Hmm, very interesting observation MuddlingThrough! I think you could be onto something there about him...

[NoIDidn't]

Muddling, why don't you start your own thread about why you want to tell the MM?

 

Threadjacking this one is a little rude, even though loripuff has not come back.

 

Please, start your own thread. You might actually be in a situation that someone might agree that you have an obligationt to tell his W. There was once an OW here that was dealing with a MM that also had sex with other men with her and she knew he was Bi, but his W did not. That was something to tell the W, even if the A was over, IMO.

 

So please, start your own thread and put your particulars there.

[MuddlingThrough]

NoIDidn't - your screen name and the tag line that was on your other posts pretty much says it all. Those are the words and sentiments you've chosen to represent you on this board? Niiiiiiiice.

 

Secondly, forgive me if I displayed a shocking and unforgivable lack of internet etiquette. I spend so little time on the internet that I do have some gaps in my knowledge when it comes to posting. I can see that you, on the other hand, spend considerable (and no doubt very important) time online spreading your invaluable and constructive insight.

 

Lastly, I'm pretty certain that if anyone were to consult with Loripuff about who is hijacking her thread, her opinion would be that it's YOU.

 

I thoroughly appreciate your "strong disagreement" of opinion, though. I'm so glad you enjoy a thoughtful interchange of ideas as much as I do!

[Athena]

There was once an OW here that was dealing with a MM that also had sex with other men with her and she knew he was Bi, but his W did not. That was something to tell the W, even if the A was over, IMO.

 

Yes, that would be a good reason to tell a BS, but as the OP here stated she just wanted to do it out of revenge, nothing more, and that is despicable.

[MuddlingThrough]

Athena - God love ya! For a minute there I thought I had entered some kind of frightening parallel reality!

 

NoIDidn't - 5,049 posts? Um...isn't it time to put down the keyboard and start living a real life instead of a virtual one? You'd have no way of knowing this, but real lives involve contradictions, muddiness, and pain. Real life isn't all about emoticons and pithy internet abbreviations. Best of luck to you in prying yourself away from your computer long enough to find out about the whole "glass house" phenomenon.

[bentnotbroken]

MuddlingThrough, There are things that I do know I would never do in my life. There are also things that I know I am capable of. I know I am capable of anger that is so out of control and over the top that anyone who doesn't know me would probably call the police for fear of what could happen. I know I am capable of becoming so involved in the ills of the world that they some time take me over and I obsess about ways to "fix" the problem. I know I am capable of defending the underdog(elderly, poor, women, children, uneducated, mentally ill) with my very life if necessary. I know I am capable of out running a cop if trying to avoid a ticket. I know I am capable of cussing to the point until the object of my ire is in tears.

 

I also know what I am not capable of. I am not capable of knowingly hurting someone because it suits my needs. I am not capable of using children for whatever reason. I know I am not capable of walking into anyone else's marriage and destroying it. I know that I am not capable of desecrating another person's home, life, family and vows.

 

That doesn't mean that I don't make mistakes. I don't do the wrong thing or that I don't want to give payback when I feel it is due. If that makes me holier than thou, riding a high horse or being someone with standards, then I gladly take that title. And as far as judgement goes, we don't have the right, authority or power to do that. We aren't fair, emotionally stable or wise enough to hand out punishment that is fair or just. We always want more than a pound of flesh and usually the bone to go with it.

 

But judging is something we do all day everyday. We do it to make decisions about our lives, our jobs, our families, our friends, what we wear, what they wear, what we drive, the neighborhood we live in, the neighbors themselves, celebrities, athletes and on and on. So to insist that a person shouldn't voice their opinions or stick by their ideals is ludicrous. We are all entitled to those opinions and we voice them as humans. We voice them in our politics, how we educate our children, our spiritual choices even our television viewing habits.

 

This is a public forum, you are entitled to your opinion. But to come on with less than 10 posts and start throwing sand in people's faces usually means you are going to get more than sand thrown back in yours. Is it mature, nope. Is it helpful, maybe(haven't decided yet). Is it normal, absolutely, it is human nature.

[NoIDidn't]

Athena - God love ya! For a minute there I thought I had entered some kind of frightening parallel reality!

 

NoIDidn't - 5,049 posts? Um...isn't it time to put down the keyboard and start living a real life instead of a virtual one? You'd have no way of knowing this, but real lives involve contradictions, muddiness, and pain. Real life isn't all about emoticons and pithy internet abbreviations. Best of luck to you in prying yourself away from your computer long enough to find out about the whole "glass house" phenomenon.

 

Then what was the point of coming here, then? You have real life to be out living. Go tell his W. I really don't care. Just trying to get you to back off of the ledge you are on.

 

If you don't want to think through the repercussions of what you are proposing to do out of revenge, then no one can help you anyway.

 

(BTW, I happen to love my name AND my tag line. I really don't care what you or others might think of it. Since when it is okay to judge a poster only by their name and tagline, anyway? You have 5 posts, I have a posting history that you are free to peruse if you would really like to get to know my internet persona instead of trying to make me feel bad - as if! - for having over 5000 posts. LOL. Certainly you can do better than that? There is plenty in my posting history to ridicule, as I am sure that's all you are interested in anyway.)

[MuddlingThrough]

Bentnotbroken - We're not talking about earning the Nobel Peace Prize here, we're talking about "earning" the right to post on a bulletin board. I am as entitled to write a well-thought-out opinion as much as the next person, whether I have one post under my belt or a thousand.

 

I personally am not capable of out of control, over the top anger that might force someone to call the police. Your definition of my situation is "hurting someone because it suits my needs." A complete oversimplification, to be sure. In any case, forgive me for being obtuse, but it would seem that your very own argument negates your very own argument. Why is your failing more acceptable than someone else's?

 

I reiterate - why exactly are you on this board, which is, by the way, titled "Support and Discussion for Those Who Find Themselves Involved with a Committed Partner?" I am mystified by your interest in this topic if it is, indeed, so very distasteful and heinous to you.

[bentnotbroken]

Bentnotbroken - We're not talking about earning the Nobel Peace Prize here, we're talking about "earning" the right to post on a bulletin board. I am as entitled to write a well-thought-out opinion as much as the next person, whether I have one post under my belt or a thousand.

 

I personally am not capable of out of control, over the top anger that might force someone to call the police. Your definition of my situation is "hurting someone because it suits my needs." A complete oversimplification, to be sure. In any case, forgive me for being obtuse, but it would seem that your very own argument negates your very own argument. Why is your failing more acceptable than someone else's?

 

I reiterate - why exactly are you on this board, which is, by the way, titled "Support and Discussion for Those Who Find Themselves Involved with a Committed Partner?" I am mystified by your interest in this topic if it is, indeed, so very distasteful and heinous to you.

 

Never said my failings were more exceptable. I don't think they are. I think that when a person finds themselves in a situation where they know they are going to hurt a lot of people to have whatever they are missing in their lives, they are the ones who need to step back and take a good look at themselves. What you deem that you aren't capable of, I am saying there are a lot people out there who aren't capable of being part of an affair. You called those people judgemental. Did you not just judge what I said about my anger? Yes, I see my anger as out of control. I see affairs as out of control and completely disrespectful.

 

What you deem oversimplification, I deem right and wrong. It is the way I live my live. It is the way that makes it easier to do the right thing when faced with what is wanted( in the case to exact revenge). I don't think I implied anywhere that you shouldn't or weren't allowed to post because you had a certain number of post. What I said, was throwing sand, will only get it returned to you.

 

 

As to whether your post was well thought out, I don't know, I don't have enough to compare it too. I am here because I want to be. I can and have helped others. I enjoy the disagreements as much as I do the laughs, the teasing, the support on all matters. Whether it is parenting, politics, loss of a loved one or how to with a butt hole relative.

[NoIDidn't]

Never said my failings were more exceptable. I don't think they are. I think that when a person finds themselves in a situation where they know they are going to hurt a lot of people to have whatever they are missing in their lives, they are the ones who need to step back and take a good look at themselves. What you deem that you aren't capable of, I am saying there are a lot people out there who aren't capable of being part of an affair. You called those people judgemental. Did you not just judge what I said about my anger? Yes, I see my anger as out of control. I see affairs as out of control and completely disrespectful.

 

What you deem oversimplification, I deem right and wrong. It is the way I live my live. It is the way that makes it easier to do the right thing when faced with what is wanted( in the case to exact revenge). I don't think I implied anywhere that you shouldn't or weren't allowed to post because you had a certain number of post. What I said, was throwing sand, will only get it returned to you.

 

 

As to whether your post was well thought out, I don't know, I don't have enough to compare it too. I am here because I want to be. I can and have helped others. I enjoy the disagreements as much as I do the laughs, the teasing, the support on all matters. Whether it is parenting, politics, loss of a loved one or how to with a butt hole relative.

 

Personally, bent, I think you are a saint.

 

You don't need to explain why you are here to anyone. Especially not to someone that is only interested in using your high post count against you.

 

LS is so much bigger than just the OW/OM forum. I wonder why the posters that feel it is only for them, seem to always forget that and protest so loudly when *outsiders* post opinions on their actions?

[bentnotbroken]

Personally, bent, I think you are a saint.

 

You don't need to explain why you are here to anyone. Especially not to someone that is only interested in using your high post count against you.

 

LS is so much bigger than just the OW/OM forum. I wonder why the posters that feel it is only for them, seem to always forget that and protest so loudly when *outsiders* post opinions on their actions?

 

 

:laugh:The Lord would beg to differ with you NID. I don't want to be a saint. That means there is no more room for growth. We stop growing we die. Aren't all the saints dead anyway:eek: I really don't mind explaining my thoughts and beliefs. It is clear that they aren't shared by the OP or by MT. I am usually the first to say tell the wife, but this woman is so full of anger and bitterness, her only goal is to hurt anyone in her path. And if someone supports you in that position, then they have the same mentality. There OW on this board who advised against it. What the OP is doing is continuing to behave in one of the most immature manners. As long as she was enjoying the stolen moments, she was cool with helping to steal. Now that things aren't the way she wants, she wants to call the police and report a crime. Lame and childish.

[NoIDidn't]

I am usually the first to say tell the wife, but this woman is so full of anger and bitterness, her only goal is to hurt anyone in her path. And if someone supports you in that position, then they have the same mentality. There OW on this board who advised against it. What the OP is doing is continuing to behave in one of the most immature manners. As long as she was enjoying the stolen moments, she was cool with helping to steal. Now that things aren't the way she wants, she wants to call the police and report a crime. Lame and childish.

 

And, see, that's just the point. The anger and bitterness will be conveyed when the W is told. So why do it if the motive is so clear the W won't even believe you?

 

I am just trying to keep a poster from basically making a fool of herself in front of the MM, that she claims used her with her consent, and his W and whoever else finds out (because they will find out). And she thinks that people are just trying to judge her for doing something bad? Talk about projection.

[SunRays20]

Hmm, very interesting observation MuddlingThrough! I think you could be onto something there about him...

 

Your obsession with me needs to stop.

[fooled once]

ENOUGH already *sigh*

[stillafool]

It would be purely revenge, but is there anything wrong with that?

 

Okay if there's nothing wrong with revenge would it be okay if his wife came over an shot you in the head as revenge for sleeping with her husband?

 

He is a pig and needs some consequences.

 

Now you know how his wife will feel.

 

What about telling him that he needs to tell her or I will?

 

Why didn't you have this need for honesty when you first starting boinking this guy. I'm sure his wife would have loved to hear from you before you slept with her husband. Now you just have to take what you can get or move on. BTW, I am not a BS or a WS.

[GreenEyedLady]

I, too, want to tell his wife. Revenge, yes. He lied to me, used me, reeled me back in countless times, and then turned on me the minute his happy home was in danger. I am both devastated and enraged. I want to hit him where it hurts exactly as he's done to me. So Loripuff, if you're still bothering to read this thread after all of the rude "support" you've received, please respond, I'd love to talk to you. Hang in there.

 

Then you are no better than he is...

 

Look, I have been in your shoes.

 

And I will say this, there are certain things that you have to accept. If someone is so desperate for love, attention, ego stroking (insert your MM's vice) that he would break his M vows, you cannot even think that he will tell you the only truth.

 

I say this as a fOW who married her MM. And he lied to me about his status. I'm an encourager for OW. But the encouragement is to believe in yourself.

 

I can't imagine wanting to hurt someone I loved so much. Someone that I had betrayed my own values for (MM).

 

It is not his W's fault, no matter how she contributed to the problems in the M. It is the MM's fault for not speaking up, for allowing the M to go on without saying he's not happy. She does not deserve to be a victim in this revenge game.

 

I'm not saying she doesn't deserve to know, but that she doesn't deserve to find out that way.

 

Hasn't she been hurt enough without being intentionally cruel?

 

I have only advocated telling in one case; and that is to one of my dear friends who I believed that was the only true way to end the A. But she didn't do it with malice in her heart. She wanted to do it out of desperation to end all the lies. And she ended up not doing it.

 

If you cannot deal, step away and heal. Turn your back on the deception, the hurt, the lies, the betrayal. Take your power back, not by hurting another person, but becoming a better person.

 

I know how crazy it is. I know first hand the hurt, the longing, even the rejection. What will be, will be. Accept and be at peace.

 

GEL

[Mary3]

Maybe loripuff told the wife and something happened.....She doesn't seem to post here anymore...

[Reggie]

Haven't read the whole thread. And, I am aware that the motivation is revenge. But, as a BS, in retrospect, I would have been grateful for the info regardless of the motivation. It would have saved me valuable years that were wasted with my WW.

I do think the OP is off the wall and is forgetting that she is every bit as culpable as the MM. But, again, I wish someone had told me.

[whichwayisup]

Everyone is different, some would want to know, and some don't want to know. It still isn't up the OW to tell all - She didn't consider the wife's feelings from day one.

 

Also, with all that's been going on with violence these days, does one really want to put it out there and deal with the consquences? Lori if you're still reading and lurking on LS, just know that by telling, you need to be prepared for reaction and alot of drama to come your way - You tell, you deal with the consquences afterwards..