Do I/How should I tell his wife?

[BlackWhite]

Hi! 10 days ago I ended an affair (close friend co-worker for 4 1/2 years followed by 6 months of emotional affair with touching and a few weeks of sex.) I felt very disrespected because the last few weeks I thought he was over with his wife...they hadn't had sex in probably a year....and they he came over to my house for sex and then went home and within hours slept with her. I am angry and sick about it and told him not to ever talk to me. I am heartbroken. Here I am hurt and lonely and he gets to just pick up his life where he left off. I want to tell her...so very badly so he can feel as badly as I do. What do I do? It's not fair that he not have any consequences.

 

Says who? Him to his mistress on the side?

[Mino]

Here is XOW number 3, telling you the same thing. Don't tell. Put your big girl pants on and move on. Revenge is not pretty... dont you know? Plus if you work with him, imagine how nasty it can get on the job. You want him to feel bad, be successful, make yourself beautiful when you go to work, SHINE!! thats revenge for ya

[RedDevil66]

Your advice/abuse would have more value if you didn't have an avatar showcasing your tits.

 

I suspect from this sort of classy reply, you will more than likely tell his wife.

[SidLyon]

Hi! 10 days ago I ended an affair (close friend co-worker for 4 1/2 years followed by 6 months of emotional affair with touching and a few weeks of sex.) I felt very disrespected because the last few weeks I thought he was over with his wife...they hadn't had sex in probably a year....and they he came over to my house for sex and then went home and within hours slept with her. I am angry and sick about it and told him not to ever talk to me. I am heartbroken. Here I am hurt and lonely and he gets to just pick up his life where he left off. I want to tell her...so very badly so he can feel as badly as I do. What do I do? It's not fair that he not have any consequences.

 

Speaking as a BW only, it's my belief that BWs in general have a right to know. This is because they have been denied information by their Hs that is relevant to making their own choices in life. I didn't find out about my H's affair until 7 years after it started. Despite all the pain associated with d-day and the aftermath I would still choose to know rather than have continued in ignorance. I would have rather known much earlier.

 

In many ways it's irrelevant who tells the BW and what their motives are.

 

Loripuf's motives don't look honourable but perhaps the motives of many BWs in telling the Hs of their own H's affair partner are not that honourable either. Affairs thrive in secrecy so I'm in favour of making them public. Maybe this means that both Loripuf and the MM will have a lot more difficulty having As in future.

 

S

[bean1]

It's only been 10 days and you are obviously still quite angry. Perhaps you should take some more time and let the whole thing cool down before you make a decision. You WILL come off as a crazy, angry, bitter woman if you tell her now. Maybe you will feel that she needs to know, maybe you will feel that you don't want this in your life. Don't make a decision in this frame of mind.

 

I'm all for telling. I'm the one who has been cheated on in the past. I would want to know (I would have wanted to know!). But a MM can explain away an angry-nutso a lot easier than a calm and rational one. Then again, perhaps you want to just get rid of the venom in your life by walking away. That's probably the best solution for your mental health & spirit.

[Chrome Barracuda]

you shouldnt tell the wife outta revenge, but because you want her to know the truth.

 

And also to reinterate even what Lizzie said: You knew this man was married from the begining, and yet you still began the affair with him, what was your endgame in all of this??? What did you get out of all of this except a shattered heart, broken ego and wounded spirit. I dont think the affair was even worth it.

 

There are SINGLE, available men out there for you to be with. Go and live your life right!

[ForumFool]

Life isn't fair. I remember you from months ago you said you were friends with his wife and was over his house played with his kids etc...at the time things were not too hot and no PA came of it...Others said at the time to get away ..avoid him see him only with the wife..you chose to ignore that help. I am sorry you are hurt however why would you want to HURT his WIFE now? She didn't dump you after bedding you and bolting from bum sex (had to be this PA was lightening fast)..HE DID if you want to nail someone.....(whichI am against)....GET HIM not his wife and the kids..Though..I hope his wife finds out...You again ask for help but when people give it ...OW, OM AND BS's you blast them with snotty comments....Maybe it would be helpful to sit on the advice and then use it ......then reply....

Also I would get tested for STD's dude may be doing a few on the side

 

Hi! 10 days ago I ended an affair (close friend co-worker for 4 1/2 years followed by 6 months of emotional affair with touching and a few weeks of sex.) I felt very disrespected because the last few weeks I thought he was over with his wife...they hadn't had sex in probably a year....and they he came over to my house for sex and then went home and within hours slept with her. I am angry and sick about it and told him not to ever talk to me. I am heartbroken. Here I am hurt and lonely and he gets to just pick up his life where he left off. I want to tell her...so very badly so he can feel as badly as I do. What do I do? It's not fair that he not have any consequences.

[Thornton]

I would tell his wife, because she deserves to know he's been cheating on her so she can make an informed decision about whether or not she wishes to continue her relationship with him. She's the victim in all of this and it's unfair to keep her in the dark, she deserves to know her husband is a liar and a cheater, and she deserves to have the option to leave him for what he's done. I would want to know if my husband had cheated on me... so I could dump him.

[MistyK]

Hi! 10 days ago I ended an affair (close friend co-worker for 4 1/2 years followed by 6 months of emotional affair with touching and a few weeks of sex.) I felt very disrespected because the last few weeks I thought he was over with his wife...they hadn't had sex in probably a year....and they he came over to my house for sex and then went home and within hours slept with her. I am angry and sick about it and told him not to ever talk to me. I am heartbroken. Here I am hurt and lonely and he gets to just pick up his life where he left off. I want to tell her...so very badly so he can feel as badly as I do. What do I do? It's not fair that he not have any consequences.

 

As an OW I understand your anger, but I promise you it won't work. The only one who will get hurt is his W and kids (if he has any). BS's pretty much ALWAYS take the H back, no matter how many times he cheated or for how long. There are many many examples of this around the forum if you look around, and I've seen it personally many times with myself and friends who were also OW at one point.

 

There's probably a little part of you that hopes if his W kicks him out he'll be with you. You blowing the whistle on him pretty much demolishes any chance of that, if there ever was a chance for you two to have an honest relationship in the 1st place. He is a jerk, but you can take the high road and be the better person. Trust in karma - that creep will get his.

 

Now, I do believe the W has a right know what he's up to, but not from you. She deserves to hear it from him. She's the one married to him- and I'd bet she has an idea of what's up. Most MM aren't THAT slick. So, if she chooses to ignore all the little warning signs and go blindly on, let her be. It's her choice. (The BW in my case ignored seeing my undies on the floor for a whole year before discovering an emotional affair. Even 4 months after MM moved out, she STILL clings to the belief that we've never had sex. She, like many other BS's is willfully blind. Ironic actually when BS's so often scream at OW that they are not seeing reality...but I digress)

 

FYI -There is an "ignore" function to block posters if you find particular people's posts upsetting.

[whichwayisup]

she STILL clings to the belief that we've never had sex. She, like many other BS's is willfully blind. Ironic actually when BS's so often scream at OW that they are not seeing reality...but I digress)

 

People believe what they want to believe..And if a MM is a good at lying and is a master of manipulation, they yeah, both BS and OW are going to believe him. The only person who knows the 'real' truth is the selfish one - The MM himself!

[MistyK]

People believe what they want to believe..And if a MM is a good at lying and is a master of manipulation, they yeah, both BS and OW are going to believe him. The only person who knows the 'real' truth is the selfish one - The MM himself!

 

Very true. Ugh.

[jj33]

You are angry (angry responses to posters as well). But this will backfire on you in the end in one way or another.

 

If you are SO bitter that you need to act out of revenge, then have at it. But its very very unwise. As everyone else said you knew he was married. You knew he was capable of lying to those close to him. What more is there to say?

 

You would look incredibly foolish, there is a great chance she wouldnt believe you and you would look like an insane person. he decided to stay with his wife so you can be sure he will lie his way out of it.

 

And I was an OW so this is not the post of a bitter betrayed spouse.

[LadyDi]

I'm in the "don't tell" camp. Why.. when someone is hurt, they want others to be hurt and miserable too? Doesn't anyone suffer in silence anymore? Use some self control and keep quiet. Besides, MM most usually come back eventually. So if you blow the whistle, you can probably count on THAT not happening.

 

Really, don't tell.

[fooled once]

And ya know what, his WIFE may choose to forgive him (if he tells her or IF she suspects). That is HER right as his wife. She and he may choose to work through this.

 

Just because a BS chooses to forgive him doesn't make her a horrible person. It makes her a person who wants to work through his infidelity. He may truly be sorry he started anything with you.

 

That is their business.

 

Many BS's DO want to work on their marriage and not throw away history and all that. Doesn't make them stupid, blind or any other words. Just may mean they are more committed to working things out.

[RedDevil66]

 

Tell her. It's the best thing for everyone. You because he will hate you so you don't have to worry about falling back with him. Him because he's a coward of a man who deserves to be found out and his wife so she can live an honest life not this married little lie.

 

 

I agree with this x 1000000

[MistyK]

Many BS's DO want to work on their marriage and not throw away history and all that. Doesn't make them stupid, blind or any other words. Just may mean they are more committed to working things out.

 

Not sure if this was directed at me but - I don't think wanting to fix the M is a bad thing necessarily, but in some cases it may be for less than pure reasons (finances, extreme dependency, etc.). I guess I am annoyed with how sometimes BS's are automatically deified for wanting to reconcile - like it's a supreme godly sacrifice that they do only out of love, purity, etc. It does take a strong woman to work things out with an H after an A, no doubt. But why is it an OW is "stupid" to be with an MM and a BW is just "committed"?

 

And let's not forget that long-term OW have "history" with the MM too. Why is that so easily overlooked? Or is it just that that history is considered of less value due to the situational element?

 

But back to the original point - telling the W solves nothing and does nothing but make things worse for everyone all the way around. The W deserves better and so does the OP. Based on the emotion in this poster's responses, and the long length of the A, I can only imagine what this jerkface MM has done to gaslight her.

 

We can all sit in judgement that she "knew" what she was in for, but no one really "knows". Hell, if I could go back to day one and change everything (knowing what i know now), you bet I would. We all have hopes and trusts - sometimes in the wrong people - and the loss of that dream for the OW can be excruciating. She feels as betrayed as if she was the BS based on his lie about sex with his W, and honestly I get that. Right or wrong, MM have a way of trying to give the illusion of monogamy with the OW and it's very tempting to believe. At any rate, all the "you should have's" isn't going to make it any different and just serves to kick the girl while she's down. Let's deal with the now, as it's the only thing that can be affected. Over and out.

[ForumFool]

Misty you are projecting. READ all the OP's threads...go back to when she was just friends with him AND his wife and went to their home..played with the kids and asked people on here how to avoid her crush..she wanted to avoid an A.......When you read HER story and take YOUR feelings out then you can come back read what she wrote and will wonder why most of us OW....OM...BS WERE blasted by her snarky attitude...You know me enough by now to know I am not one to bash a OW/OM However this one is a piece of cake...she was only in the A for a couple few weeks...PA ...the rest was a friendship and at that not really...Maybe he didn't like her mood swings or the sex wasn't what it was stacked up to be after months of flirting..I hate to see anyone feel bad...in this case I feel she was prepared (having read ALL her threads and posts) and got what she got...

 

Not sure if this was directed at me but - I don't think wanting to fix the M is a bad thing necessarily, but in some cases it may be for less than pure reasons (finances, extreme dependency, etc.). I guess I am annoyed with how sometimes BS's are automatically deified for wanting to reconcile - like it's a supreme godly sacrifice that they do only out of love, purity, etc. It does take a strong woman to work things out with an H after an A, no doubt. But why is it an OW is "stupid" to be with an MM and a BW is just "committed"?

 

And let's not forget that long-term OW have "history" with the MM too. Why is that so easily overlooked? Or is it just that that history is considered of less value due to the situational element?

 

But back to the original point - telling the W solves nothing and does nothing but make things worse for everyone all the way around. The W deserves better and so does the OP. Based on the emotion in this poster's responses, and the long length of the A, I can only imagine what this jerkface MM has done to gaslight her.

 

We can all sit in judgement that she "knew" what she was in for, but no one really "knows". Hell, if I could go back to day one and change everything (knowing what i know now), you bet I would. We all have hopes and trusts - sometimes in the wrong people - and the loss of that dream for the OW can be excruciating. She feels as betrayed as if she was the BS based on his lie about sex with his W, and honestly I get that. Right or wrong, MM have a way of trying to give the illusion of monogamy with the OW and it's very tempting to believe. At any rate, all the "you should have's" isn't going to make it any different and just serves to kick the girl while she's down. Let's deal with the now, as it's the only thing that can be affected. Over and out.

[herenow]

I didn't read all the posts, but no matter what, I say tell the BW. I really don't care why you do it, she should know for so many reasons. Please tell her ASAP. It's really not fair that she doesn't know about such an important part of her life. TELL HER NOW PLEASE!

[taylor]

I don't understand posters here who are telling you NOT to tell the BS.

 

Over and over I have read on this forum how BS NEED to KNOW, DESERVE to KNOW, HAVE THE RIGHT to KNOW.

 

BS should know the truth about their WS, the deception, the lies, the secrecy, and above all, the true state of their marriage. Why? So that they can make a decision based on the reality of the situation. It gives BS the opportunity to either work on the sham of a marriage or kick the WS to the curb.

 

If this WS feels no consequences of his actions, he will more than likely continue his cheating ways with another OW.

 

I could care less if the OP was doing it for revenge or any other ulterior motive.

 

An anonymous co-worker tipped my husband off of my suspicious behavior with my OM (an EA). What could have been that coworker's motive? Just a noble gesture on his part? It was none of his business. He had absolutely no involvement in any of our private lives.

 

At least this OW is one of the "parties" involved. She has every right to tell on the MM if she wants to. She KNOWS his cheating ways. Certainly, his wife, of all people, deserves to know as well.

 

Many BS who later find out that people they know KNEW of the affair, despise those people for NOT TELLING..for HIDING the fact. It adds to the betrayal and makes the BS feel like fools to have been kept in the dark.

 

Yes, it is very likely that the wife will lash out at the OW and it is very likely the MM will throw the OW under the bus or DENY. But the truth will at least be out there.

 

I think you have two choices if you want to tell, OP.

 

1. Send an anonymous letter to the BS telling her her husband had an affair with a coworker. Give some info the BS can use to verify what you are saying.

 

2. Reveal who you are, tell her what happened, give info she can use that will prove you had the affair, tell her you wanted her to know because she deserves the truth, and then apologize to her.

 

Either way you will get some negative feedback, either from him or from both of them. But the truth will be out. She deserves it.

 

I don't agree when posters say YOU would be hurting his wife and family. HE is the one who hurt his family by having an affair. Yes, you helped him cheat. But he assumes the brunt of the responsibility for hurting his wife and kids.

 

The way I see it, you do him and her a favor by getting the truth out.

 

You are the only one who stands to gain nothing by revealing, so in a way, you are doing him and her a favor.

 

I was angry at the coworker who stuck his nose in my business (the OM was angry as well), but in the end, this coworker did us all a big favor.

[donnamaybe]

How could you believe him when he said he wasn't having sex with her.. COME ON!!!!!

 

The same way you believe your MM when they tell you things. They are good at lying.

[donnamaybe]

Have either of you ever been the other woman? I always question the motives of other posters...you could be cheating spouses or bitter from being cheated on or maybe you have had the same experiences. I always feel like I'm being judged for sleeping with a married man. He's in the committed relationship, not me. His infidelity, not mine, but I feel like I'm the only one who is hurt. Where are his consequences?

 

And YOU knew he was MARRIED and had a WIFE who would be hurt! Where are YOUR consequences?!

[2sure]

Your motives for wanting to tell the BS are selfish and mean spirited. BUT:

 

She should be told. The right thing to do is to tell her.

If you tell her, regardless of your motivation for doing so...that would be a difficult but GOOD thing you have done.

 

Having said that: I am not sure if I myself would have that kind of juice.

[silktricks]

For your sake I would say don't tell, as the repercussions on you may be extreme, but for the sake of the BS, I would say do tell. She deserves to know the reality of what's going on in her life so that she can make informed decisions.

[fooled once]

Not sure if this was directed at me but - I don't think wanting to fix the M is a bad thing necessarily, but in some cases it may be for less than pure reasons (finances, extreme dependency, etc.). I guess I am annoyed with how sometimes BS's are automatically deified for wanting to reconcile - like it's a supreme godly sacrifice that they do only out of love, purity, etc. It does take a strong woman to work things out with an H after an A, no doubt. But why is it an OW is "stupid" to be with an MM and a BW is just "committed"?

 

And let's not forget that long-term OW have "history" with the MM too. Why is that so easily overlooked? Or is it just that that history is considered of less value due to the situational element?

 

But back to the original point - telling the W solves nothing and does nothing but make things worse for everyone all the way around. The W deserves better and so does the OP. Based on the emotion in this poster's responses, and the long length of the A, I can only imagine what this jerkface MM has done to gaslight her.

 

We can all sit in judgement that she "knew" what she was in for, but no one really "knows". Hell, if I could go back to day one and change everything (knowing what i know now), you bet I would. We all have hopes and trusts - sometimes in the wrong people - and the loss of that dream for the OW can be excruciating. She feels as betrayed as if she was the BS based on his lie about sex with his W, and honestly I get that. Right or wrong, MM have a way of trying to give the illusion of monogamy with the OW and it's very tempting to believe. At any rate, all the "you should have's" isn't going to make it any different and just serves to kick the girl while she's down. Let's deal with the now, as it's the only thing that can be affected. Over and out.

 

No Misty, it wasn't directed at you.

 

We will have to agree to disagree on the 'long term history' between a wife and husband and a cheating spouse and his/her Other Person.

 

Sorry, but normally, the married couple dated for awhile, had hopes and dreams, married, started out making those hopes and dreams come true and somewhere along the way, the WS chose to cheat on that spouse. The WS spents days/hours/years with their partner, the OW/OM gets scraps. Truly, a few hours a week for a year or two doesn't equal a month in reality. The Wife/Husband KNOWS their spouse, as much as the OP doesn't like to admit. They are the ones with them when they are sick, cleaning up vomit, cleaning poop stains out of underwear, seeing blood from a spouses period in clothing, working together on the house, finances, etc. And if children are involved -- sorry, but MOST couples really bond over the pregnancy, rubbing of the tummy, doctors visits, etc not even including the birth. YES - there are many spouses who aren't there for that stuff - but honestly, you can't compare 'long term history' between an OW/OW vs a spouse. I just don't agree.

 

Hell, if I could go back to day one and change everything (knowing what i know now), you bet I would

 

I get that. I was an OW.

 

I am now GLAD I am so done with it all. I really hope YOU can get the finality you need to MOVE ON and mourn it and let it go and NOT go back. I hope you are in that place and NOT continuining to believe the lies you have been told. I hope the inaction you witnessed stays with you so that you continue on the NC path.

[White Flower]

Hi! 10 days ago I ended an affair (close friend co-worker for 4 1/2 years followed by 6 months of emotional affair with touching and a few weeks of sex.) I felt very disrespected because the last few weeks I thought he was over with his wife...they hadn't had sex in probably a year....and they he came over to my house for sex and then went home and within hours slept with her. I am angry and sick about it and told him not to ever talk to me. I am heartbroken. Here I am hurt and lonely and he gets to just pick up his life where he left off. I want to tell her...so very badly so he can feel as badly as I do. What do I do? It's not fair that he not have any consequences.

It was always his plan and he'll do it again as long as he feels his needs are not met at home (and I'm sure they ARE met at home, BTW).

 

Loripuff, why don't you turn the tables? You should call him and tell him the sex was fantastic, thank you very much, and next time you feel horny you'll give him a call. Trust me, his head will spin! It is time to MAKE HIM FEEL USED! Men HATE that!