Do I/How should I tell his wife?

[IfWishesWereHorses]

May I ask how you found out he went home and had sex with his wife?

[tami-chan]

No do not tell, your motives are not well-placed. His marriage is none of your business. If the H wants to carry on the deceit in their marriage that is on him. It is not for you to make an honest man out of him. Yes, it is not fair for the wife not to know, well, life is not always fair, she married a deceitful man who has no courage to own up to the truth. Just walk away...and do not ever turn back.....

[Mary3]

Lets say ( married women posters ) , you were sitting in your garden sipping some nice tea and breathing in the fresh air , when your cell phone rings..

 

Its a woman announcing that she has been having an affair with your husband. She has proof : text messages , voicemails and letters.

 

If it were ME sitting in the garden I would invite her over and see her cache of evidence

 

3 times ( on internet dating ) I received phone calls from WIVES of supposed single husbands. These women wanted to KNOW what was going on ( I had thankfully never met any of these supposed single men but had given them my number )

One lady I said " Hey do you have time to sit down , I would LOVE to tell you what your fake sneaky H is up to " One lady cried . I told her stop crying and get a good attorney for child support. She promised me she would

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi! 10 days ago I ended an affair (close friend co-worker for 4 1/2 years followed by 6 months of emotional affair with touching and a few weeks of sex.) I felt very disrespected because the last few weeks I thought he was over with his wife...they hadn't had sex in probably a year....and they he came over to my house for sex and then went home and within hours slept with her.

 

uh, she IS his wife....am I missing something here?

 

 

I am angry and sick about it and told him not to ever talk to me.

 

well the MM definitely is a bastard, but you sleep with someone elses husband, and YOU are angry? ok:confused:

 

 

 

Here I am hurt and lonely and he gets to just pick up his life where he left off. I want to tell her...so very badly so he can feel as badly as I do.

 

ah, so this is about revenge for you....you could have cared less about the wife's feelings...oh, but now you want to tell her. sickening.

 

Ok, the wife deserves to know, that is for sure, but all of a sudden now that you feel slighted (only a fractino of a taste of what his unsuspecting wife will have to deal with), and now you want her to know?

 

hmmm....tough call here. But since I always support a BS finding out just what kind of bastard/b!tch they are married to....I'd say tell her. preferable to come from someone else, because you telling her is ultra hypocritical....but as long as she is informed, to me that trumps the hypocrisy and despicableness of why you now want to tell her.

 

 

What do I do? It's not fair that he not have any consequences.

 

no, its not fair. but you weren't too worried about the consequences to either of you while betraying the wife, now were you?

[Dexter Morgan]

It would be purely revenge, but is there anything wrong with that? I wouldn't be so upset if he had just been up front with me about trying to repair things with his wife, rather than come over to my house for sex.

 

up front with you? are you freakin' kidding us? you were screwing someone elses husband. you KNEW he was married...yet had that sex with him anyway.

 

unbelievable

 

 

This is the first time I felt like I was used. He is a pig and needs some consequences.

 

if he is a pig, what does that make you for sleeping with another woman's husband?

 

you felt used? pulease.....what did you expect. you knew he was married.

 

or did you think a man that cheats on his wife is NOT a pig??

[Dexter Morgan]

Again Bent, I'm looking for constructive advice

 

uh, constructive advice to someone that wants to all of a sudden find honesty and tell the wife for purely vindictive and vengeful reasons??

 

and although I don't agree with the advice of the other OW, even they are telling you not to tell...but all you can think about is revenge.

 

So it doesn't look like you are looking for constructive anything.

 

 

not criticism from some self-righteous judgemental Puritan.

 

it doesn't take a judgemental "Puritan" to recognize despicable behavior, and someone that does harm to others and completely disowns any bad behavior....as if it is always someone elses fault.

 

 

Spew your fire and brimstone elsewhere.

 

this coming from Little Miss Pissed and wants to tell because she only wants revenge. now THAT is fire and brimstone.

 

 

I'd rather be a pig than a creep who takes out their own bitterness on strangers. Find another forum.

 

well then congratulations....

[GreenEyedLady]

I say don't tell.

 

There's no reason for you to. It was a short-lived affair. Chalk it up to experience. The BS's M is not your concern and neither is the MM. Sometimes you play with fire and you get burned. You shouldn't be surprised. Use the information and make better choices next time.

 

GEL

[bentnotbroken]

I don't think OP had been back since she didn't get the reponses she wanted from OW or from BS.. I guess she couldn't handle the truth.

[GreenEyedLady]

You're married now Gel. don't you think you should and would need to be told if your husband had an affair? What does short lived have to do with it? He was married had an affair. His wife should be told.

 

I'd already be on to him if he was having an affair.

 

And the last person in the world I'd want to tell me, would be the OW.

 

Plus, he knows if he cheats, it's like filing for divorce. And he kinda likes me... alot.

 

As for the W, she's not here. And I'm giving advice to the OW, whose shoes I was in before. It's just jealousy and pure bit***ness. I don't like that.

 

GEL

[Jilly Bean]

Remember, it was Michael Douglas's wife in Fatal Attraction who ended up killing the OW.

 

She turned all her anger on the crazy OW, so Puff - I caution you on your logic and need for revenge.

 

You just don't know how far people will take things.

 

Now, if you didn't KNOW he was married, I might say you have a case, but since you were well aware he has a wife, just move on.

[whichwayisup]

It self defense. Yes, she killed the OW, and it wasn't that she turned all her anger against the OW. As far as I can remember.

[GreenEyedLady]

It self defense. Yes, she killed the OW, and it wasn't that she turned all her anger against the OW. As far as I can remember.

 

Yeah, like crazy Alex tried to kill her first and kidnapped her kid.

[GreenEyedLady]

Unless you are with him 24/7 it is very possible you would not know. Especially if he is good at departmentalizing. Affairs happen during the workday and business trips when wives are not with their husbands.

 

Thank you very much for your concern, NF.

 

I am really not worried. We love each other and we are very open and communicate ALOT. If that changed, then I would be worried and wonder what was wrong.

 

I trust him, bottomline.

 

For sake of argument, I wouldn't want the little darlin' he was banging to enlighten me.

 

KWIM?

 

GEL

[Jilly Bean]

It self defense. Yes, she killed the OW, and it wasn't that she turned all her anger against the OW. As far as I can remember.

 

Remember - Alex called the house, she talked to her, and said that if she ever came near her family again, she would kill her.

 

This was after the bunny incident...

[Meaplus3]

Hi! 10 days ago I ended an affair (close friend co-worker for 4 1/2 years followed by 6 months of emotional affair with touching and a few weeks of sex.) I felt very disrespected because the last few weeks I thought he was over with his wife...they hadn't had sex in probably a year....and they he came over to my house for sex and then went home and within hours slept with her. I am angry and sick about it and told him not to ever talk to me. I am heartbroken. Here I am hurt and lonely and he gets to just pick up his life where he left off. I want to tell her...so very badly so he can feel as badly as I do. What do I do? It's not fair that he not have any consequences.

 

No! Don't tell his wife. Really, I was in your shoes once entangled in a heated emotional affair with a married man who lived nextdoor. I like you wanted to tell his wife. Thanks to the advice I was given here on ls, and understanding what people were telling me, I choose to keep my mouth shut and it was the best thing I ever did. The affair ended. It took me a long while to heal, but I can hold my head up high now knowing that I did not have any futher word with regards to MM and the life he lives with his W. It's not your place to tell. If this MM keeps up with his cheating ways, it will come back to bite him in the A** one day when the wife finds out on her own.

 

Mea:)

[GreenBamboo]

1) Tell the MM and the W at the same time

2) Then move on completely - ie no expectation of the MM coming back, or any of the MM or W be punished, or when they get back to you, you can completely ignore

 

 

If you can not do 2), then don't tell the W.

 

Move on (whether tell or not) and good luck.

[whichwayisup]

1) Tell the MM and the W at the same time

2) Then move on completely

 

That ain't gonna happen. She drops the bomb on the MM and his wife and thinks there's NO consquence from doing that, just being able to up and walk away, again, it ain't gonna happen. All that will do is bring MORE drama into her life and more pain, not only for her, but for everyone!

 

I like Mea's post.

[Montclair0011]

I vote for NO! Grieve and move on with your life. Get a therapist instead of revenge. Exit stage left.

 

I have been a BS and an OW and I don't think those two should be communicating unless it can't be avoided. Those that think that the W needs/deserves to know are speaking for themselves, not all BSs. You can't know what is best here for this W, so do what's best for you and let the MM and W chart their own future together or apart in whatever way they choose.

 

Get away and go on with your life, as miserable as that may seem.

[whichwayisup]

The problem is, noone knows what the BS feels about it. Each person is different. Maybe some would want to know, others may not. Or, they'd rather be told by their spouse, not the OW.

 

I'll say again, that is, if you come back - Don't tell. Best revenge is to heal and find love with someone who can share ALL of himself with you, not just bits and pieces on his terms and his time frame.

[Confused4Now]

I vote for NO! Grieve and move on with your life. Get a therapist instead of revenge. Exit stage left.

 

I have been a BS and an OW and I don't think those two should be communicating unless it can't be avoided. Those that think that the W needs/deserves to know are speaking for themselves, not all BSs. You can't know what is best here for this W, so do what's best for you and let the MM and W chart their own future together or apart in whatever way they choose.

 

Get away and go on with your life, as miserable as that may seem.

I was the one who knocked on my MW house door that's how her H found out and looking back. I wished I never did it. IT really made me look like some lunatic mad man.....If I were to do it all over again...I would have stepped aside and went NC....like I said it was ugly of all her family and her friends she told it really put me in a bad light..... so I VOTE NO!!!

[D-Lish]

The thing you might not realize, feeling so hurt and betrayed, is that the BS, when blindsided by this, will have an even more intense reaction.

 

You have known about his wife all along. When she finds out she has been made a fool of- she's going to want to kill someone. I know if the OW had been close enough for me to drive to her place- I would have done so and knocked her out.

 

You are feeling betrayed- so you want to hurt the other person that has been played and betrayed. What about focusing your anger on the person that deserves it?

[GreenBamboo]

The problem is, noone knows what the BS feels about it. Each person is different. Maybe some would want to know, others may not. Or, they'd rather be told by their spouse, not the OW.

 

I don't think OP cares how the BS (or even MM) feels or who BS prefers to tell.

 

Tell them and come back home, cry all out, take a clean bath and forget it.

 

But please don't tell W if you can't held your head high yourself. Remember you can't fight well when you are sick. Make sure you are healed first inside yourself then do something you can deal with, or can completely ignore if they come back to you, or when the rumors come out.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

If you do indeed decide to tell. PUHLEASE do not come back to this forum complaining about her reaction.

 

Do you know how sane this BS is? Do you have any inkling how she might respond??? If not, you are completely responsible for the outcome of the bet you are placing. I DIDN'T KNOW, isn't an excuse. We all make choices, we all gamble on the outcome of our actions. WE ALL are responsible for the consequences!

 

Tell, don't tell. It doesn't change your consequences one bit. Make your choices and live with them. Few of us are immune to that, whether we chose to bring others down with us or not.

[Dexter Morgan]

I was the one who knocked on my MW house door that's how her H found out and looking back. I wished I never did it. IT really made me look like some lunatic mad man

 

so thats what its about? How YOU come out of it looking?

[Confused4Now]

so thats what its about? How YOU come out of it looking?

Well isn't that what's it about when OP shows up like that...I know I wanted clarity..but looking back I wished I hadn't done it. I should have just walked away and did NC. Again I knew what I in....so just cause things didn't go my way...I acted like a baby. Sorry but never again...I'm so glad to be done with that.....