I think we're having our first fight.

[Lizzie60]

For the women responding to this thread: Imagine you're living in a house that you not only purchased, but own outright. Your bf of 8 months, who sort of lives with you but hasn't totally committed to the idea, asks that you run it by him for approval whenever your twin sister living nearby wants to come over because it may disrupt his work. How do you respond? Are you totally compliant or do you look for a middle ground?

 

(No offense to you, SG, just looking for some consistency of thought and curious about the responses.)

 

 

I understand your point... I would be completely turned-off by a possessive guy...

 

If it was MY house, I wouldn't need anyone's permission to invite whoever I want.. especially if I don't really care about the guy...

 

Plus if he has things to do.. why can't he just do it and leave me to what I want to do.....

 

I would never respect a 'desperate' clingy guy..

[allina]

It also just plain sucks to have to work while they're all swimming and having fun. The situation would irritate anyone.

 

But to show that you're not a controlling party pooper I would buy something that allows you to worth somewhere else in the house and apologize for being grouchy. You don't want the brother to think you're a nag (I absolutely don't think you are but you don't want bf's brother, to think that you're anything but perfectly amazing).

[hoping2heal]

For the women responding to this thread: Imagine you're living in a house that you not only purchased, but own outright. Your bf of 8 months, who sort of lives with you but hasn't totally committed to the idea, asks that you run it by him for approval whenever your twin sister living nearby wants to come over because it may disrupt his work. How do you respond? Are you totally compliant or do you look for a middle ground?

 

(No offense to you, SG, just looking for some consistency of thought and curious about the responses.)

 

 

I would look for middle ground. If I consider him important enough to be over as often as SG is, he's important enough to find middle ground with. That doesn't mean everytime he says, sister wouldn't come over; but we'd work something out. And certainly if he had something important as SG's trial coming up, I would be more than understanding. If he was my partner, and a guest at my home and important person in my life, I would want him to be comfortable also. An alternative may be "well, how about we go and BBQ in the backyard and spend time in the pool, I don't think spending time inside is a good idea tonight, as he's got a major case he's preparing for." Then it's a win/win. But yeah, I'd look for middle ground.

[Storyrider]

Carhill's point about the family dynamic seems to be key here. Star, I think what's really worrying you is whether or not you can live with this ultra-close R he has with his brother. I think you do see yourself marrying this guy, and he sees himself married to you. But I also think you're not sure about this brother stuff, and sharing your life with the brother and his wife, long term. You're realizing that if you marry this guy, you're, in effect, marrying the brother too. Your bf is hoping you'll come around to the lifestyle. That you'll eventually want the brother over all the time, just like he does. You're hoping your bf will eventually need less time with the brother. I wouldn't count on it.

[hoping2heal]

Carhill's point about the family dynamic seems to be key here. Star, I think what's really worrying you is whether or not you can live with this ultra-close R he has with his brother. I think you do see yourself marrying this guy, and he sees himself married to you. But I also think you're not sure about this brother stuff, and sharing your life with the brother and his wife, long term. You're realizing that if you marry this guy, you're, in effect, marrying the brother too. Your bf is hoping you'll come around to the lifestyle. That you'll eventually want the brother over all the time, just like he does. You're hoping your bf will eventually need less time with the brother. I wouldn't count on it.

 

 

Yeah I think there's a lot of truth to it. I also do think she was just bothered by him being so inconsiderate of her, but that said I'm not saying just because he was doesn't mean he doesn't care, or isn't serious about her. It just slipped this certain time,a nd I can understand being upset by it.

 

I think the other girls are just being snyde, so I wouldn't bother. Make sure he understands why you're upset and work out a compromise with him.

[Trialbyfire]

Here's my recommended checklist, which includes what some of the helpful posters have posted.

1. Know that your relationship is viable and oh so worthwhile.
   
2. Setup a feasible space/internet solution STAT!
   
3. Get over the stresses of the pending trial.
   
4. Decide if you can handle the brother and SIL at close quarters.
   
5. Review whether you want to live with your b/f or not.
   

[Lyssa]

Personally, I don't think it has anything to do with desperation or being possessive.

 

At the moment, fiance is living with me and I always run by him if I were having guests over as I do not want to ruin his plans (if he already has made some for us). It's just a show of respect - even when I was in his country a few months ago (I was living in his house then), he ran by me if he had guests coming. We both did this - regardless whose house we are living in.

 

Even before the engagement, we lived together and we always checked with one another. So I don't think it has anything to do with one being engaged or not. Once the couple has the exclusivity talk then I see them as a couple.

[hoping2heal]

Personally, I don't think it has anything to do with desperation or being possessive.

 

At the moment, fiance is living with me and I always run by him if I were having guests over as I do not want to ruin his plans (if he already has made some for us). It's just a show of respect - even when I was in his country a few months ago (I was living in his house then), he ran by me if he had guests coming. We both did this - regardless whose house we are living in.

 

Even before the engagement, we lived together and we always checked with one another. So I don't think it has anything to do with one being engaged or not. Once the couple has the exclusivity talk then I see them as a couple.

 

 

That's a great point Lyssa. Maybe he just doesn't know wether to consider them exclusive/serious just yet. I think once the trial passes, and they settle that issue, there will be open ground for more even compromise regarding the brother and stsil.

[Lyssa]

I would look for middle ground.

 

Yeap, finding a common ground is important. Touche and a few others suggested some pretty good ones.

[Star Gazer]

Carhill's point about the family dynamic seems to be key here. Star, I think what's really worrying you is whether or not you can live with this ultra-close R he has with his brother. I think you do see yourself marrying this guy, and he sees himself married to you. But I also think you're not sure about this brother stuff, and sharing your life with the brother and his wife, long term. You're realizing that if you marry this guy, you're, in effect, marrying the brother too. Your bf is hoping you'll come around to the lifestyle. That you'll eventually want the brother over all the time, just like he does. You're hoping your bf will eventually need less time with the brother. I wouldn't count on it.

 

There is a lot of truth to what you're saying here. We got into a conversation about this, and he started reminding me that they're twins, that they've each saved each other's lives at one point or another, etc. Obviously, brother is going to be around for the rest of our lives. And I do really, really like him - I do!!! I'm just not used to this much sharing.

 

Oh, and guess what? Brother's fiance is also a twin.

 

BF just said that the way to fix this issue, is to get married so that I would want to move in, and that once I'm actually, technically, officially living here, I'd feel as though I had a right to exert more control. He was literally offering it as a solution. However, in saying that, I didn't think he really understood what I was upset about, so I just said, "No, that's not a solution to my concern that you disregarded my needs, because my needs exist regardless."

 

That's a great point Lyssa. Maybe he just doesn't know wether to consider them exclusive/serious just yet.

 

We're definitely exclusive, have been since 1 month in. Every other sign other than this issue points to us being in a very serious relationship, including his own words and other actions. It's literally JUST THIS that bothers me.

[tanbark813]

BF just said that the way to fix this issue, is to get married so that I would want to move in, and that once I'm actually, technically, officially living here, I'd feel as though I had a right to exert more control. He was literally offering it as a solution. However, in saying that, I didn't think he really understood what I was upset about, so I just said, "No, that's not a solution to my concern that you disregarded my needs, because my needs exist regardless."

 

TBH, this just sounds like the difference between how men think and how women think. Out of curiosity, what does he do for a living?

[Star Gazer]

For the women responding to this thread: Imagine you're living in a house that you not only purchased, but own outright. Your bf of 8 months, who sort of lives with you but hasn't totally committed to the idea, asks that you run it by him for approval whenever your twin sister living nearby wants to come over because it may disrupt his work. How do you respond? Are you totally compliant or do you look for a middle ground?

 

(No offense to you, SG, just looking for some consistency of thought and curious about the responses.)

 

No offense taken, but you've twisted the situation entirely.

 

It should read like this:

 

For the women responding to this thread: Imagine you're living in a house that you not only purchased, but own outright. Your bf of 8 months, who sort of lives with you but hasn't totally committed to the idea, asks that on occasions where you two already have plans together, that before you change those plans to do something entirely different, that you at least talk to him about it before effectuating the change. How do you respond? Are you totally compliant or do you look for a middle ground?

[Star Gazer]

TBH, this just sounds like the difference between how men think and how women think. Out of curiosity, what does he do for a living?

 

He's a share holder in a lucrative family business that does business internationally. Why?

[Touche]

And it's literally this ONE issue that bugs him...that you've not committed to really moving in with him. And now he's gone as far as to propose marriage to get you to commit.

 

It's as I said. This is a point of contention with him. So you swept his proposal under the rug?

 

I knew that's what this was about for him...knew it.

[tanbark813]

He's a share holder in a lucrative family business that does business internationally. Why?

 

No reason, honestly just curious. I would have bet money he did something technical or related to engineering.

[Star Gazer]

And it's literally this ONE issue that bugs him...that you've not committed to really moving in with him. And now he's gone as far as to propose marriage to get you to commit.

 

It's as I said. This is a point of contention with him. So you swept his proposal under the rug?

 

I knew that's what this was about for him...knew it.

 

It like felt more of a "this is the solution, which isn't an option" type of suggested solution, if that makes sense.

 

Kinda like, "I'm in debt. What's the solution? Win the lottery."

 

Only this situation has much better odds. It just didn't feel serious.

[Lyssa]

We're definitely exclusive, have been since 1 month in. Every other sign other than this issue points to us being in a very serious relationship, including his own words and other actions. It's literally JUST THIS that bothers me.

 

Yeah, I know you both are - I think I read it somewhere .

[Land Shark]

No reason, honestly just curious. I would have bet money he did something technical or related to engineering.

 

Did you catch that it was lucrative?

[Trialbyfire]

BF just said that the way to fix this issue, is to get married

Okay, I stopped reading here! The boy is hooked!

 

Forget the rest, did you accept?

[Star Gazer]

Okay, I stopped reading here! The boy is hooked!

 

Forget the rest, did you accept?

 

No! That was NOT a real proposal. C'mon.... Right?

[Touche]

It like felt more of a "this is the solution, which isn't an option" type of suggested solution, if that makes sense.

 

Kinda like, "I'm in debt. What's the solution? Win the lottery."

 

Only this situation has much better odds. It just didn't feel serious.

 

I don't know...something's not right with this. Men don't just throw that marriage word around lightly. Not in my experience anyway. I think he was feeling you out and you again, dismissed him. Like you have about the moving in thing.

 

Boy would I have loved to have been a fly on the wall or that discussion! I have a feeling that I'd perceive it differently than you did. I could be wrong but I don't know....

[carhill]

Total guy moment..... GF is PMS'ing, stressing about a trial, PO'd that her evening has been messed up and he proposes a marriage proposal as a solution

 

It just didn't feel serious.

 

It might have flown at Second City, but, yeah, I'd agree with that.

[Touche]

No! That was NOT a real proposal. C'mon.... Right?

 

I think it was SG.

[Citizen Erased]

I think it was SG.

 

It may have been but I don't think it was one anyone would exactly be jumping up and down to accept.

[Trialbyfire]

No! That was NOT a real proposal. C'mon.... Right?

Well...ah...kind of, in that he's feeling his way through this. Forget the romantic proposal. He's a great guy, one that loves and cares about you and also, one you love and care about.

 

Big hugs and kisses to him.