I think we're having our first fight.

[Land Shark]

The points you raise make me think I'm more worried about how I'll feel in the future, than how I feel right now, if that makes sense. I'm worried that I'm always going to feel second-rate, and like it's not my home.

 

Now is the time to start pressuring him to give up the house. That's going to take some time.

[Star Gazer]

Now is the time to start pressuring him to give up the house. That's going to take some time.

 

Nah. These issues are clearly my own, so I gotta own them.

[Touche]

I know I am. I have a lot on my plate right now.

 

Yesterday, I was apparently coming across as aggitated about something (not his fault) because I was talking really fast and getting feisty (I wasn't aggitated, but I could see how he perceived me that way), and he did this fake big deep breath thing that he does, which is his clue that he wants me to take a deep breath and calm down. He knows I'm stressed and overwhelmed right now, and I guess that's one of the things that bugs me about this situation. I feel like, if the rolls were reversed, I'd be doing thinking about what I could do to ease some of his stress...like making sure he had a peaceful place to work.

 

Meh.

 

Talk to him then. Tell him you love spending time with him at the house but you need your own space. ASK him to help you come up with a solution. Put some of this in his lap and see what he comes up with.

 

As for what you'd do if the roles were reversed...you can't think like that SG. Everyone brings different things to the table. You said he mostly treats you very, very well and is considerate right? No one gives us everything we want emotionally or any other way. Don't be a doormat but don't be unreasonable in your expectations either. It's a fine line at times you know?

 

The whole house thing is another matter. See? You're thinking too much about all of this at once. ONE thing at a time. If you ever really commit to living with him, I'm sure it will be your house too. You just have to decide if you're really living there or not. But now is not the time. You have to first focus on getting through your trial. Then take one thing at a time here.

 

It's not as complicated as you're making it out to be.

 

And of course, I didn't agree with any of TB's post. All irrelevant in my book.

[Touche]

Just a little note on the house issue. If he's anything like my H, he will put you on the deed when/if you become engaged. That's what Mr. T did. I never asked him to. Never ever brought it up. But he did also ask me if I wanted to go look at houses together since he lived in our last house with his ex-wife. I said no, that it wasn't necessary and that we'd make it our own. We did.

 

But you're jumping the gun and driving yourself crazy thinking too far ahead for now. Just wanted to let you know that that house CAN become yours too. And a good man would ensure that it does and wouldn't have it any other way.

[Trialbyfire]

Wow, some great advice in this thread, especially Touche's about not addressing these issues right now, since you're feeling stressed and pressured with the pending trial.

 

The two of you love each other. Take a deep breath, relax and you'll be fine!

 

I'm just checking in to give support, since all that needs to be said, has already been said.

[Kamille]

Seriously, WORD to Touche. That's amazing advice here, especially about tackling one thing at a time. And negotiating a solution with him (putting some of it on his lap).

 

 

I think you're already doing a great job yourself SG. You recognized you are stressed and it sounds like you are ready to approach this calmly.

[Ariadne]

Honestly, I don't think you're over reacting. I'd be the same way. And you haven't really made a big deal about it with him right? So no worries there. Just let it go this time and make sure that you work to solve the issue so you can work at his/your place.

 

I totally get the other stuff...but take ownership for what's annoying you that he has nothing really to do with. See what I'm getting at? Separate out what HE'S responsible for here...not that much. Just a little bit. Like that bit about feeling like you have to be the gracious hostess when they come over. No. He probably wouldn't expect that of you if you're working. That's YOU that's expecting that of yourself. Let that go. You are NOT obligated to entertain his bro and wife if you're working. You can pop out and say, "sorry, guys, don't mean to be rude but I have a deadline and have to work. Have fun without me!" Or don't come out at all and have b/f make your excuses for you. Simple.

 

I'd really not make a big deal of this. Just talk to him about getting the office ready for you.

 

As for the living together thing...you really already are, SG. I say shyt or get off the pot on that one. But you can't really un-ring a bell here. You're ALREADY living with him. You are. I have a funny feeling that if you gave up your place and really lived with him, his "thinking" on this will change. He'll "think" before just saying yes to bro without consulting you.

 

He might secretly be a little peeved at you for not committing to live with him when you're already well...living with him. I don't know. Just food for thought.

 

Would you be my mother??? :bunny: :love:

 

And SG, just get a longer cable. No need for all this intricate situation.

[Isolde]

I agree with Touche. I don't think you're unreasonable to rant, but I do think that it's somewhat unfair to make this into a big "problem" which is isn't. Let's put it this way: you love your job, you love your BF, your BF loves the company of you and his brother... no one needs to lose out here; it's not a competition.

 

I think the issue of the two of you not having enough "alone" time is related, but not the same issue. If you really feel you're not spending enough time with BF that's certainly something you could broach with him, but don't bring his brother into it.

[Star Gazer]

I agree with Touche. I don't think you're unreasonable to rant, but I do think that it's somewhat unfair to make this into a big "problem" which is isn't. Let's put it this way: you love your job, you love your BF, your BF loves the company of you and his brother... no one needs to lose out here; it's not a competition.

 

You're right. And I'm really not making this into a "big" problem. If anything, I'm trying to nip it in the bud.

 

I think some of my insecurities are trying to rear their very ugly little heads. He really does make me very, very happy.

 

I think the issue of the two of you not having enough "alone" time is related, but not the same issue.

 

He also just got home from a business trip WITH his brother, so I guess I did want him all to myself this weekend.

[Star Gazer]

Wow, some great advice in this thread, especially Touche's about not addressing these issues right now, since you're feeling stressed and pressured with the pending trial.

 

The two of you love each other. Take a deep breath, relax and you'll be fine!

 

I'm just checking in to give support, since all that needs to be said, has already been said.

 

Thanks, sweets.

 

Seriously, WORD to Touche. That's amazing advice here, especially about tackling one thing at a time. And negotiating a solution with him (putting some of it on his lap).

 

Yes, WORD to T!

 

T, will you be my Auntie again?

 

I think you're already doing a great job yourself SG. You recognized you are stressed and it sounds like you are ready to approach this calmly.

 

Thanks, K. Ironically, think I'm ready to approach this calmly only because I had to leave the house!

[Kamille]

The points you raise make me think I'm more worried about how I'll feel in the future, than how I feel right now, if that makes sense. I'm worried that I'm always going to feel second-rate, and like it's not my home.

 

Been thinking about this... Seems to me like you might be "lapsing" into a bad thought pattern here - perhaps linked to issues you've had in past relationships. You're taking one incident and reading way too far ahead into it, allowing it to make you feel more vulnerable then it really warrants.

 

I know you have felt extremely vulnerable in the past when it comes to men, but if there is one thing I admire about you it's how far along you've come when it comes to approaching your relationships from a space of confidence rather then insecurity. Star, you know you can handle this.

 

Like Touche said, handle one thing at a time.

[Touche]

Would you be my mother??? :bunny: :love:

 

And SG, just get a longer cable. No need for all this intricate situation.

 

Oh stop it with the mother thing! You're cracking me up. I could never be your mother anyway. You don't listen. SG does. Yes, SG I'll be your Auntie again.

 

Oh and I agree about the cable. You can get a longer cable dirt cheap until you get wireless set up. Crap, I have a few around here I don't use. Wish I could give them to SG.

 

As to TBF, Kamille, Isolde and you too SG, thanks you guys:love:. Wow, you're going to give me a big head. I appreciate your kind words. I'm happy to help.

 

Kamille, just read your last post. You're spot on. I was thinking the same thing. It's called "stinkin' thinkin'" Don't fall into that trap again, SG.

 

You know how to handle this.

 

You can address the living together thing again and we'll respond and help but for now I think you really have enough on your plate.

[Ariadne]

Oh and I agree about the cable. You can get a longer cable dirt cheap until you get wireless set up.

 

(It would have been easier to go to the closest office depot and get a 50 foot cable than to go to that office)

[Citizen Erased]

Yes, stop it with the mother thing Ariadne. She's mine!

 

Without a doubt you should make getting wireless a priority Star. It solves a lot of problems.

[Touche]

(It would have been easier to go to the closest office depot and get a 50 foot cable than to go to that office)

 

This is true but I think it's good that SG got out of the house when she did.

 

Hahah, CE. You guys are so cute. You can all share me.

 

Yeah, wireless rules. Like I said, it's an easy fix. You can lock yourself up in the bedroom with your laptop and your files...and here I sit with files in bed and haven't touched MY work. Ugh. Waaaaaa.

[Star Gazer]

Yes, I think it's a good thing I left when I did too.

 

But I wouldn't be surprised if when I get "home," the wireless is already set up. He's the type to do that, after seeing how important it is.

[Trialbyfire]

Get a router that can handle both wireless and wired, including a long cable for those times where your wireless is being affected by external interference. And no, I'm not talking about someone stealing your bandwidth, although wired will also stop that nonsense!

[Touche]

Yes, I think it's a good thing I left when I did too.

 

But I wouldn't be surprised if when I get "home," the wireless is already set up. He's the type to do that, after seeing how important it is.

 

Awww, now see? You're lucky to have him. But please don't be too disappointed if it's not done, ok?

Get a router that can handle both wireless and wired, including a long cable for those times where your wireless is being affected by external interference. And no, I'm not talking about someone stealing your bandwidth, although wired will also stop that nonsense!

 

Yes but then wouldn't you have to have two different services? I'm confused. Like I only have wireless. I'd have to pay for a separate service to have wired. I've very, very rarely had any problem with the wireless. But maybe we're talking about two different kinds of wireless. I'm talking about mobile wireless broadband.

[OpenBook]

I would definitely let him do the installation himself, in his own house. Especially since he's already asked you not to.

[Trialbyfire]

Yes but then wouldn't you have to have two different services? I'm confused. Like I only have wireless. I'd have to pay for a separate service to have wired. I've very, very rarely had any problem with the wireless. But maybe we're talking about two different kinds of wireless. I'm talking about mobile wireless broadband.

We are talking about two different services. The upside to using a router, is the ability to have a home network on it. I have both my laptop and desktop, hooked up to it and networked for shared file access.

[Touche]

We are talking about two different services. The upside to using a router, is the ability to have a home network on it. I have both my laptop and desktop, hooked up to it and networked for shared file access.

 

Ok. Yes, I used to have that set up when we had cable internet. But really if you have a good little external hard drive or even a thumb drive you can access all your files. That's what I do now if I'm switching from computer to computer.

[Trialbyfire]

Ok. Yes, I used to have that set up when we had cable internet. But really if you have a good little external hard drive or even a thumb drive you can access all your files. That's what I do now if I'm switching from computer to computer.

Yup that works but I'm lazy and impatient!

 

Don't know if SG is that way!

 

Hang on, as I'm typing this, something came to mind. If she has the mobile card, it won't physically matter where she is, even outside his home, whether she works from her own place or some air-conditioned coffee shop. It might be appropriate for right now, while she's in transition.

[Art_Critic]

Awww, now see? You're lucky to have him. But please don't be too disappointed if it's not done, ok?

 

 

Yes but then wouldn't you have to have two different services? I'm confused. Like I only have wireless. I'd have to pay for a separate service to have wired. I've very, very rarely had any problem with the wireless. But maybe we're talking about two different kinds of wireless. I'm talking about mobile wireless broadband.

 

I think your confusing the term wireless with cellular..

 

You have cellular.. they are talking about a wired broadband connection and making it go thru a wireless router so all the computers on the wireless network can communicate on the internet as well as with each other..

I use the wireless desktop cards and converted all the wired desktops computers her over to wireless too...

 

Tit for tat..

 

But as far as SG's issue.. it really isn't all boiling down to wireless i-net access.. sure if her had that she could have just moved to another room.. but the problem would still be existing that she has with the closness he has with his brother..

 

I dated a twin once and I can tell you that you date both of them at once at times...so to speak...

 

Dating a twin isn't the same as dating someone who doesn't have that kind of connection with another person..

 

SG.. you need to open the lines of communication with him and talk all about this with him.. and listen to him while he is talking to you.. don't just think you are the one that needs to be talking..

You both need to listen to each other...

[Star Gazer]

I would definitely let him do the installation himself, in his own house. Especially since he's already asked you not to.

 

There you are again, taking a negative spin. So predictable!

 

He didn't ask me not to do the installation. I set up the internet on my own to begin with! He merely asked me not to unpack his belongings in the office. He wants to put his books and memorabilia away on his own, that's all.

[Star Gazer]

Hang on, as I'm typing this, something came to mind. If she has the mobile card, it won't physically matter where she is, even outside his home, whether she works from her own place or some air-conditioned coffee shop. It might be appropriate for right now, while she's in transition.

 

I've been meaning to get one of those!