I think we're having our first fight.

[Star Gazer]

I'm frustrated. Admittedly, I may be making a mountain out of a mole hill here, as I'm quite stressed and premenstrual, so keep that in mind. Thank you in advance for reading this novella.

 

By way of background, like the rest of their family, my BF and his brother are very close. To say that we all spend a LOT of time together as a group is an understatement. They think nothing of calling each other up and saying, "Hey dude, I'm gonna drop by to hang out..." or even just showing up unannounced. Sometimes they don't even knock, they just walk in. Despite the fact that this is not at all what I'm used to, usually this doesn't bother me that much. However, before today, there had been two instances where it really did.

 

See, BF's brother and his fiance recently moved in to a house that's 10 houses away from BF's house. They like to come over because their house is smaller, not very entertainment friendly, and doesn't have a pool. BF's house (which, despite the fact I don't officially live there, we call "our" house) is bigger, much more entertainment friendly (large kitchen open to a great room) and has a large yard with a huge pool. BF's brother also has an adorable lab, who likes to swim when it's as hot as it is now, so brother likes to bring her over to swim in our pool, and run all over playing. It's cute, but she's...draining.

 

Keep in mind that BF and I are busy professionals, more so me than him though. I spend most of my days communicating with people, explaining things to them, asking questions, negotiating with them, etc. It's an overly articulated life. So when I come "home," I want a place of peace and quiet. I've actually come to expect it. As a result, if I'm going to have to be "on" and entertaining people at home, I want to be prepared for it, and relevant to today, have time for it.

 

Thus, it annoys me when BF and I have plans - plans that just include him and I to enjoy our time alone together - and they randomly call/pop over. But what particularly annoys me is when brother actually does call BF and "ask" him if he can come over (as in, within the hour or so) and hang out/BBQ/go swimming with his dog, and BF just jumps and says, "Yeah, sure, come over!" without even asking me first. This has happened a couple times. Before today, I had asked him twice to please just talk to me about it before making plans for us, because it upsets me when he unilaterally changes OUR plans from relaxing together alone, to having to entertain guests. Each time, he's understood and apologized.

 

This brings me to today's issue. I'm currently preparing for trial in a case that I really, truly expected to go away via dispositive motion or settlement. Trial is only a few days away, and with each day that gets closer, I get a little more anxious. I thrive on the pressure, but I need a sort of cocoon and space in order to get my thoughts straight and everything I need to get done, done. Afterall, there is a LOT that needs to be done and sorted through in the last week leading up to a big trial.

 

My BF is fully aware of this and is very supportive of my career. As to be expected, preparing for this trial required me to work this weekend. My office building doesn't have AC on the weekends during the summer (which is sweltering right now), so I've been working from home. Unfortunately, getting anything done over the past 36 hours has been daunting. He just got home from a business trip, so he's been distracting me a lot the past two days - wants to share all these stories, wants to flirt and grope/kiss me (), and otherwise "catch up" on the past week that we were apart. I love the attention, but him doing this has caused me to be very unproductive. All day long, I'd say, "Babe, do I need to leave?" (in a cutesy way) and he'd say, "Oh no, sorry... I'll leave you to your work." He was cognizant of my needs for peace for the day. I had plans later this evening to have a friend over to brainstorm a charitable project and have dinner, but I had to call her and let her know I'll be working well through dinner into the night, and just didn't have time. She understood, and BF was aware of this as well.

 

Anyway, earlier today, BF's brother called up and said, "Hey dude, fiance, dog and I are gonna come over in a bit. Was thinkin' we could grill up some steaks, go swimming, try some of that new case of wine, maybe watch Gran Torino on OnDemand. That cool?" What does BF say? "Sure dude, sounds good." I was sitting right there when this conversation occurred. There was no, "Hey, Star... brother, fiance, and dog...blah blah blah, what do you think about that?" There was no chance for me to remind him that I needed peace and quiet today. He just told me what the new plans were. When I asked him why he didn't talk to me about it given what I need to do today, in his own words, he "didn't think."

 

As a side note, for those of you who are wondering, "Why can't you go somewhere else in the house?", we've been lazy about setting up the office, we don't have wireless internet yet, and the internet line is currently a 4 foot cord in the middle of the great room that the entertaining is about to take place in. I need a computer and internet in order to do my work, so that means that if I need peace, I have to leave the house if I want to get my work done.

 

After he got off the phone and told me what the new plans were, I told him that because he's just invited them over, that means I have to go in to the office to work (30 minutes away). I also told him that it upsets me when he doesn't even think of me when making plans that directly affect me, and that this has happened before. I got up to get myself presentable for the outside world, hoping that he'd take the 5 minutes it took me to get my stuff together to call his brother back to say it wasn't a good idea. But that didn't happen. He just had this sort of "Sorry, babe" with a shrug and puppy dog look on his face.

 

So here I am, working in an office that's probably 105 degrees inside, sweat ripping down my face onto my keyboard trying to get ready for tomorrow's hearing, while BF/brother/fiance/dog are swimming and BBQing and having a great day. I'm glad they're having fun, and I don't begrduge him the fact that I have to work this weekend while they're enjoying a proper weekend, so why am I so frustrated? I guess I feel like I got kicked out of my quiet space, so that BF's brother could be entertained.

 

I also realize that it's not MY house, it's his. He's free to invite over whomever he wants. But in all honesty, I really do pretty much live there. He calls it "our house," and talks about what "we" are going to do it, and all of my clothes are there (literally). So is it fair to expect him to "consult" (for lack of a better word) before inviting people over? I mean, I also realize that my need for peace and quiet shouldn't dictate his social life today. And please know that ususally I'm fine - if not happy - to have guests over. It's just when I don't want guests to begin with, and then they are in fact invited over, that I get upset.

 

Also, since the last two times he did this, he's been VERY good about asking me whether I want to go along with the suggested plans of his brother/mom/dad, whomever. It's like with this situation, he's fallen off the wagon. And it's the wrong time to do that, for me.

 

Really, he makes me so happy, is so generous and thoughtful in so many ways that I don't have enough words to describe how good to me he is. He's so good to me, that I feel bad even complaining about this situation. However, this repeated situation really drives me nuts. I know I need to lighten up and be a little more easy going about this. But he needs to ... I don't even know what. I just know how I feel doesn't seem entirely irrational.

 

What do I do? What do I say?

[OpenBook]

Let me get this straight. You've only been seeing this guy for a handful of months, but you've practically moved in with him. There's no engagement ring on your finger. He owns the house. You still have your own place, where I'm assuming you are perfectly capable of doing your work there, but you choose to do it at his house, so that you can tell him to leave you alone and let you do your work.

 

And yet you expect him to ask for your permission before he can invite HIS OWN FAMILY MEMBERS over to his own house???

 

You two are not compatible.

[Jilly Bean]

Gran Torino is on OnDemand? Cool!

 

But, you said it yourself. It is not your house, and you do not live there. Meaning, he has not invited you to move in and has not made a commitment to you. So, I assume this is someone you are dating.

 

If your BF continually and regulartly ignores your requests on the entertainment and living arrangements, it is because he does not care about or value your needs. I think this is a clear case of him saying one thing, and doing another. It's fine for him to "call it" your house, but clearly he does not consider this to be the case. Your request for peace and quiet today did not rate above him wanting to hang out with the bro and grill steaks.

 

It sounds like you are invited to hang out and join the crowd for whatever he happens to be doing, just like his brother/fiance/dog, or other family member or friends are. He is not extending you any special privileges or considerations.

 

Are you being irrational? IMO - yes. It is not your home and you are not married, but you sure are acting like it is and you are. I think it's fair to actually be married, or officially be invited to move in/live together, before having any kind of expectations like this. It seems like you are much farther along in where things are at with this guy and the relationship than he is.

 

I suggest instead of playing house and putting down demands or expectations on how he runs his home life/family life, that you go back to your own home when you have work you need to get done. (Why was this not an option over attempting to manipulate him with the threat of spending the afternoon in a non-air-conditioned office?). I would have just gone home and explained I had work to do, rather than making it into a "fight". But ultimately, unless you want to venture "the talk", in which he may likely tell you something you don't want to hear, I'd take a cue from his actions, more than his words, and pull back and have a little more independence, and time at your own place.

[Star Gazer]

Let me get this straight. You've only been seeing this guy for a handful of months, but you've practically moved in with him.

 

We've been together since November 2008. Granted, it hasn't been an eternity, but it's been quite substantial.

 

There's no engagement ring on your finger. He owns the house.

 

Yes, yes.

 

You still have your own place, where I'm assuming you are perfectly capable of doing your work there,

 

Not true. The cable/internet were in my roommate's name. She recently moved out to move in with her boyfriend. Seeing as I spend most of my time at my BF's house, and try very, very hard not to work at home, I have not turned the internet back on at my apartment.

 

The rest of your post is a personal attack, and will not be responded to.

 

Anyone else?

[Star Gazer]

But, you said it yourself. It is not your house, and you do not live there. Meaning, he has not invited you to move in and has not made a commitment to you. So, I assume this is someone you are dating.

 

He's ASKED me to move in. I don't want to, for fear of the whole, "Why buy the cow..." theory.

 

If your BF continually and regulartly ignores your requests on the entertainment and living arrangements, it is because he does not care about or value your needs.

 

This is the third time, in 7-8 months, that he has done this. It isn't exactly as continual and regular as you make it out to be.

 

I think this is a clear case of him saying one thing, and doing another. It's fine for him to "call it" your house, but clearly he does not consider this to be the case.

 

He calls it our house, because he wants me to live there. He's even put my name on the mailbox. However, I just won't live with him until we're even more serious than we already are.

 

Your request for peace and quiet today did not rate above him wanting to hang out with the bro and grill steaks.

 

That is true, and that's what bothers me.

 

He is not extending you any special privileges or considerations.

 

On the whole, that couldn't be more incorrect. It this problem with his brother inviting himself over, and only this problem, that causes me ANY amount of irritation.

 

I think it's fair to actually be married, or officially be invited to move in/live together, before having any kind of expectations like this. It seems like you are much farther along in where things are at with this guy and the relationship than he is.

 

Like I said, he HAS invited me to live there. So your assumptions, and transparent attempt to make me feel bad about my relationship, are out of line.

 

I would have just gone home and explained I had work to do, rather than making it into a "fight".

 

I said I *think* we're having our first fight. I'm not sure we're actually in a fight. I'm quietly brooding.

 

I should have known that people who have a clear distaste for me would be the first ones to poo poo my relationship.

[Kamille]

As you know, I have a hard time establishing boundaries , so maybe I'm a bit too tolerant but... It is Sunday afternoon and they are his family. I could see how spending a pleasant Sunday afternoon with family, especially when one's lovely girlfriend is working away, could be a tempting no-brainer.

 

He, however, didn't handle the communication part very well... How would you have reacted if he had told you he really felt like having his family over and asked you if you minded going at the office to work?

 

Unlike others here, I don't think it says much about compatibility. You two probably do need to figure out how you will share "your" home, but I'm sure you can both figure out a compromise that works for you.

[Touche]

Why is this reminding me of the "old days" with H. We had a similar issue...but I digress.

 

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's a pleaser just like my H. They don't want to let anyone down but in the process they sometimes do.

 

I wouldn't make a big deal out of this, SG. I'd just solve the problem. First of all..that long cord that's in the entertainment/great room area...can it not be moved to a bedroom or den or somewhere else?

 

Secondly, if not...I would absolutely get yourself a wireless connection. It's so worth it. This is an easy fix.

 

Are you sure though that you're not bugged by the fact that he gets to have fun while you work?

 

This doesn't have to be an either/or type deal. You can both do what you want by solving the internet issue.

 

Or is it that you'd feel obligated to be dressed and pop out every so often? Don't feel obligated. You have to do what you have to do but you don't have to deny him his fun either.

 

So what do you think? Can you solve the internet issue thereby creating a win/win situation?

 

You said you've been lazy about setting the office up. I'd get busy with that so that you don't build up any resentment, on either side, regarding this issue. Make it a priority. I'm sure he'll help you with that if you explain to him that you don't want to keep him from having fun just because you have to work. He's been pretty accommodating thus far, right?

[Star Gazer]

I could see how spending a pleasant Sunday afternoon with family, especially when one's lovely girlfriend is working away, could be a tempting no-brainer.

 

I can totally see how that would be tempting too. He had planned on doing yard work, and catching up on his own work too... and I could tell he was stoked to have an excuse to not do that stuff. I would be too!

 

He, however, didn't handle the communication part very well... How would you have reacted if he had told you he really felt like having his family over and asked you if you minded going at the office to work?

 

If he'd asked in that (or any!) way, I would have been a little, "Ah, man" about it (just because of the inconvenience), but I would have left. What bothers me isn't that I have to work, or that I'm not there, or that I'm not BBQing, or that he's with his family. It's that he didn't even talk to me about it first, and changed my plans for me. Plans we made together.

 

Unlike others here, I don't think it says much about compatibility. You two probably do need to figure out how you will share "your" home, but I'm sure you can both figure out a compromise that works for you.

 

I don't think it speaks to compatibility at all... but more of a boundaries and communication snafu that I am absolutely confident that we can work out. I just need to figure out how to communicate with him about this so that we're both happy.

 

What's funny is I can now relate to my ex from a lonnnng time ago who moved in with me. He claimed that he felt like he was living in "my" apartment, rather than "ours." A lot of that had to do with how he perceived I used "our" space. I guess what's weird here is I too feel like it's "his" house, but he really, really wants me to feel like it's "ours." I don't know how to feel like it's "ours" when I'm not even talked with about use of what's "ours."

[Touche]

One more comment on this, SG. You said you haven't moved in because of the whole "why buy the cow" thing....but you said all your clothes are there. Doesn't sound like you ever really stay at your place...so really you've set yourself up to not really be living there but you are. Huh? Yeah, I'm confused too. You should really take that leap or not. 'Cause right now, you're straddling the fence here. And maybe he is too in that he doesn't really feel like you're living living there..so he can do what he wants. It might just be a unconscious thing you know? That could be at the root of this..just throwing that out there for you to consider.

[Land Shark]

What do I do? What do I say?

 

Redact your post. Say less.

[Star Gazer]

No, I don't think you're being unreasonable. He's a pleaser just like my H. They don't want to let anyone down but in the process they sometimes do.

 

He IS a pleaser, and it's like second nature to him to have his (twin) brother just show up and hang out. They're tight, ya know? He wants us both to be happy, but inevitably, there are going to be times where that doesn't happen. It's not always letting me down, either. Like I said, this is the only problem we've had, and it's only the third time it's happened.

 

I'm overreacting, aren't I?

 

I wouldn't make a big deal out of this, SG. I'd just solve the problem. First of all..that long cord that's in the entertainment/great room area...can it not be moved to a bedroom or den or somewhere else?

 

Secondly, if not...I would absolutely get yourself a wireless connection. It's so worth it. This is an easy fix.

 

You're right that there is an easy fix, for the next time. Just not today, I suppose. I didn't get this fixed before because it hasn't been an issue until today. The other times when he's invited them over have been when we had plans together. For example, one day, we were going to make dinner together and then walk into town to see a movie. I was excited for our easy, romantic night. Brother called up and wanted to BBQ/swim, so we did that instead. That bugged me, and I talked to him about it. He hasn't done that since.

 

I think today he thought "we" didn't have any plans for him to change. He didn't realize that "I" did have plans, and that his plans changed mine. Am I making sense?

 

Are you sure though that you're not bugged by the fact that he gets to have fun while you work?

 

I don't know. I don't think it is, but maybe I am. What our respective work requires is very, very different, and I do get a little jealous of how easy he (and others) have it. I'm bugged whenever anyone gets to have fun while I'm stuck working! Even in the winter, the guys ski all weekend, but I can usually only ski one day and spend the other day(s) holed up at the cabin working. *Sigh* But hey, I chose this profession, and it does me good, so I can't complain.

 

Or is it that you'd feel obligated to be dressed and pop out every so often? Don't feel obligated. You have to do what you have to do but you don't have to deny him his fun either.

 

Admittedly, that is part of it. That's what I mean by "on." I feel like, even if I'm working, I have to be social and a gracious host. Today, of all the days, was not the day I wanted to do that. I'm irritating myself right now because what I should be doing is WORKING to get out of this sauna of an office, but I don't want to finish my work and go home until I have a solution in mind.

 

He's been pretty accommodating thus far, right?

 

He totally has. Absolutely.

[Star Gazer]

One more comment on this, SG. You said you haven't moved in because of the whole "why buy the cow" thing....but you said all your clothes are there. Doesn't sound like you ever really stay at your place...so really you've set yourself up to not really be living there but you are. Huh? Yeah, I'm confused too. You should really take that leap or not. 'Cause right now, you're straddling the fence here. And maybe he is too in that he doesn't really feel like you're living living there..so he can do what he wants. It might just be a unconscious thing you know? That could be at the root of this..just throwing that out there for you to consider.

 

No, you're right. I've been giving that a lot of thought too. I'm just not convinced that living together (before something like an engagement, or at least talks of that) is the right thing for me, and even if it were, it feels too soon?

[2sunny]

although i see the true issue as his inability to say no - it is his weekend and he can spend his free time how he chooses...

 

if you are to work - set up the internet wireless either at his house or your apartment. it may make more sense to have that option at your own place since the peace and quiet is more readily available if you are at your own home if his brother decides to drop by.

 

if things have always been this way in their family (and it seems like it has been) don't expect it to change just because you are now around. this is second nature to them - and something you will need to adjust to if you decide to stay with him.

 

i can see how keeping your own personal space and quiet place would be key when these types of occasions arise.

 

as long as neither one tries to change it for the other - and you don't take any of it personal when the adjustment situation arises - things should be just fine.

[OpenBook]

The rest of your post is a personal attack, and will not be responded to.

 

Sorry you took it that way. Just being honest. Good luck with your case tomorrow.

[Kamille]

 

Admittedly, that is part of it. That's what I mean by "on." I feel like, even if I'm working, I have to be social and a gracious host. Today, of all the days, was not the day I wanted to do that. I'm irritating myself right now because what I should be doing is WORKING to get out of this sauna of an office, but I don't want to finish my work and go home until I have a solution in mind.

 

 

 

Well, to be fair, while you may feel you are "hosting" his family, he likely feels like... well... family is family. That is to say, what for you is somewhat of an "on" situation is completely relaxing to him. I doubt he feels he has to entertain his brother. We've all had those friends who are so close to us that their presence is like a second-nature.

[Touche]

Honestly, I don't think you're over reacting. I'd be the same way. And you haven't really made a big deal about it with him right? So no worries there. Just let it go this time and make sure that you work to solve the issue so you can work at his/your place.

 

I totally get the other stuff...but take ownership for what's annoying you that he has nothing really to do with. See what I'm getting at? Separate out what HE'S responsible for here...not that much. Just a little bit. Like that bit about feeling like you have to be the gracious hostess when they come over. No. He probably wouldn't expect that of you if you're working. That's YOU that's expecting that of yourself. Let that go. You are NOT obligated to entertain his bro and wife if you're working. You can pop out and say, "sorry, guys, don't mean to be rude but I have a deadline and have to work. Have fun without me!" Or don't come out at all and have b/f make your excuses for you. Simple.

 

I'd really not make a big deal of this. Just talk to him about getting the office ready for you.

 

As for the living together thing...you really already are, SG. I say shyt or get off the pot on that one. But you can't really un-ring a bell here. You're ALREADY living with him. You are. I have a funny feeling that if you gave up your place and really lived with him, his "thinking" on this will change. He'll "think" before just saying yes to bro without consulting you.

 

He might secretly be a little peeved at you for not committing to live with him when you're already well...living with him. I don't know. Just food for thought.

[Star Gazer]

Sorry you took it that way. Just being honest.

 

How could I not? You said my "possessiveness and unmitigated arrogance" was going to cause him to dump me. I don't see how I've been possessive or arrogant towards him whatsoever. You don't like me. That's why you said that.

[Touche]

She must not like me either..either that or she's having a bad day/year? She took a swipe on my thread, along with her aging cohort, too.

[Star Gazer]

if things have always been this way in their family (and it seems like it has been) don't expect it to change just because you are now around. this is second nature to them - and something you will need to adjust to if you decide to stay with him.

 

Yeah, I know. I know that's something I need to adjust to.

 

i can see how keeping your own personal space and quiet place would be key when these types of occasions arise.

 

It is key. When I lived with my ex, there was that quiet, personal space available, and we each used it when necessary. We have that space at the house now, we just haven't set it up. I gotta get on that.

 

Well, to be fair, while you may feel you are "hosting" his family, he likely feels like... well... family is family. That is to say, what for you is somewhat of an "on" situation is completely relaxing to him. I doubt he feels he has to entertain his brother. We've all had those friends who are so close to us that their presence is like a second-nature.

 

You're totally right.

 

I totally get the other stuff...but take ownership for what's annoying you that he has nothing really to do with. See what I'm getting at? Separate out what HE'S responsible for here...not that much. Just a little bit.

 

I must be PMSing, because now I feel like I'm about to cry for no reason. Ugh.

 

Just talk to him about getting the office ready for you.

 

It's all still in boxes. I've offered to get it all set up, and he turns me down. He wants to set it all up, so I've been patiently waiting. We're both very, very slow at the nesting process.

 

As for the living together thing...you really already are, SG. I say shyt or get off the pot on that one. But you can't really un-ring a bell here. You're ALREADY living with him. You are. I have a funny feeling that if you gave up your place and really lived with him, his "thinking" on this will change. He'll "think" before just saying yes to bro without consulting you.

 

He might secretly be a little peeved at you for not committing to live with him when you're already well...living with him. I don't know. Just food for thought.

 

I don't know how to fix this. It's not like we're attached at the hip. We do still have our own lives and interests; we do our own thing and see our friends and whatnot, but we still regroup at the house. I don't like being away from him "just to be away" from him, and yet I don't want to live with him yet either.

 

Perhaps he is peeved. He's always pointing out the "baby steps" that couples go through in solidifying how strong they are as a unit, as we make them, as additional evidence that we're right for each other: meeting the parents, first vacation together, first family loss and funeral together, first wedding attended together, first shared illness (horrible flu), first pet death and new pet purchase, etc.

[Star Gazer]

She must not like me either..either that or she's having a bad day/year? She took a swipe on my thread, along with her aging cohort, too.

 

Meh. It's easy not to take the patently obvious attacks seriously though, isn't it.

 

Another thought though... Something I AM irritated about is that I won't get the yummy dinner we were planning on tonight. Oh well.

[Touche]

Yeah, I know. I know that's something I need to adjust to.

 

And he needs to also adjust to your need for privacy and time together without anyone around. But it sounds like for the most part he's done that. Or at least done that AFTER you spoke about it.

 

 

It is key. When I lived with my ex, there was that quiet, personal space available, and we each used it when necessary. We have that space at the house now, we just haven't set it up. I gotta get on that.

 

Yes. Like immediately.

 

 

 

You're totally right.

 

 

 

I must be PMSing, because now I feel like I'm about to cry for no reason. Ugh.

 

Or you just feel overwhelmed. Just take a breath and tackle ONE thing at a time. Table that issue for now. Concentrate on work and after the trial, re-focus on this home office and living together deal.

 

 

 

It's all still in boxes. I've offered to get it all set up, and he turns me down. He wants to set it all up, so I've been patiently waiting. We're both very, very slow at the nesting process.

 

There he goes again trying to please and well...not. No matter. YOU take the bull by the horns and start. Guarantee you that he'll jump right in when he sees you taking the initiative. Or at least bring it up instead of plowing ahead..."Honey, I'm going to start clearing out the office. What do you think?

 

 

 

I don't know how to fix this. It's not like we're attached at the hip. We do still have our own lives and interests; we do our own thing and see our friends and whatnot, but we still regroup at the house. I don't like being away from him "just to be away" from him, and yet I don't want to live with him yet either.

 

That's a toughie because by default you've kind of already made the decision to live with him.

 

Perhaps he is peeved. He's always pointing out the "baby steps" that couples go through in solidifying how strong they are as a unit, as we make them, as additional evidence that we're right for each other: meeting the parents, first vacation together, first family loss and funeral together, first wedding attended together, first shared illness (horrible flu), first pet death and new pet purchase, etc.

 

That's what I suspect. But he's too nice to say "Babe, shyt or get off the pot on this living together thing." I mean you want it both ways.".not living together" while expecting to be treated as if you are...but you are. So really a decision needs to be made here, SG.

 

And don't ask MY advice about too soon! LOL Uhm, by this time

[Touche]

Ooops, I hit the submit button too fast. So yeah, I'm no one to ask about "too soon?"

 

As to the dinner...can't he save some of it for you to have later?

 

You're letting yourself get overwhelmed. I see what's going on with you. Focus on ONE thing at a time and look at the BIG picture here, ok?

 

Oh yeah, the pesky nuisances are really easy to swat.

[tanbark813]

A gf of 8 months isn't going to outrank a brother, especially a twin brother. That's just a general thing irrespective of your particular relationship.

 

Another thing that hasn't been addressed in this post (or if it has, I missed it): Do you split the rent/mortgage? If so, then I think he should have checked with you. If not, then I think you were out of line.

 

I think you should be careful about requiring that he check with you when people come over, especially family, and especially if it's not really your place. You run the risk of hurting your relationship that way.

[Star Gazer]

You're letting yourself get overwhelmed. I see what's going on with you. Focus on ONE thing at a time and look at the BIG picture here, ok?

 

I know I am. I have a lot on my plate right now.

 

Yesterday, I was apparently coming across as aggitated about something (not his fault) because I was talking really fast and getting feisty (I wasn't aggitated, but I could see how he perceived me that way), and he did this fake big deep breath thing that he does, which is his clue that he wants me to take a deep breath and calm down. He knows I'm stressed and overwhelmed right now, and I guess that's one of the things that bugs me about this situation. I feel like, if the rolls were reversed, I'd be doing thinking about what I could do to ease some of his stress...like making sure he had a peaceful place to work.

 

Meh.

[Star Gazer]

A gf of 8 months isn't going to outrank a brother, especially a twin brother. That's just a general thing irrespective of your particular relationship.

 

I realize that. I suppose part of my concern is that I'm thinking I will never "outrank" his brother for any reason, even for something as simple as quiet time.

 

Then again, just two weeks ago, he put me first... So... perhaps I'm talking in circles here.

 

Another thing that hasn't been addressed in this post (or if it has, I missed it): Do you split the rent/mortgage?

 

Hmm, well... See... There is no rent or mortgage. He's good with money that way. In that way, I feel like it will never actually be my house, no matter how long I live there or what the status of our relationship evolves into.

 

The points you raise make me think I'm more worried about how I'll feel in the future, than how I feel right now, if that makes sense. I'm worried that I'm always going to feel second-rate, and like it's not my home.