Just Hear Me Out....

[MrMayI]

okay jonesey, if you read this, i have to tell you that i've read your threads, and i'm sorry, but you are in no position to tell me to grow balls or get self esteem or anything like that. granted, there are a lot of posts and responses in this thread, my separation into divorce has only been about 4 months. i notice almost a year after your separation, you were still hurting, still a wreck. there's a difference in tough love, and trying to set yourself up on a plateau where you're looking down on those going through the same struggles that you have.

 

think about that. obviously, you haven't read this thread, at all. 1,100+ posts, and i guarantee you 75% of my posts or better are concerning my child and not my stbx. she's gone. i've had a grasp on that since she left. sure, i had difficulty hitching up and actually taking the necessary steps, but in no way did i tolerate any sort of shameful, backstabbing activity on her end. once i had a shade of proof, i went forward and served her with divorce papers.

 

while i appreciate and welcome any responses, i don't think you tried to see where this thread comes from, or who i am at least. you just assume that i spend every day in bleakness crying over a love lost. had you read this, you'd know that's not the case. take care.

[2.50 a gallon]

MrMayI

 

Your the man!

 

As you said, you didn't flinch and filed and got custody, that is tough love. And that took balls

 

You exposed the OM, rather than going after him in a physical way. Ditto

 

Backsliding, feelings for the EX coming to the surface, yep it is going to happen. It just shows how much you loved and were committed to the marriage. Not all men are able to commit to that extent. Ditto

 

If we could turn off love, as simply as switching off a light switch, it wouldn't be love.

 

Enough said

 

Gallon

[Auroracoladybug]

Just a lil tough love.... that's all.

 

If that is your take on having a week left, I respect that. But, on the other hand that is a pretty terrible way to treat yourself and a kid if one is in the mix. Scary thing is that there are people in this world who are told they have a very short time left, what a shame if that time is spent pining/crying/grieving over someone that walked out of their life.... very sad indeed.

 

Just some thoughts... sorry if I offended anyone.

 

Jonesey I took no offense just a reply...If I had a week left yes I would still mourn our loss of relationship but like I said I would do everything to make me happy and satisfied that my family was taken care of...some of us on LS are so focused on that other person and forgetting themselves...others are finding themselves and making improvements...you can regret things you wish you had done differently but still live life to its fullest...BTW I have a son and he is the reason I have moved on so quickly...because he needs it more than me...I may cry about the man who walked out of my life because I love him but it doesn't mean I am not moving forward.

[MrMayI]

MrMayI

 

Your the man!

 

As you said, you didn't flinch and filed and got custody, that is tough love. And that took balls

 

You exposed the OM, rather than going after him in a physical way. Ditto

 

Backsliding, feelings for the EX coming to the surface, yep it is going to happen. It just shows how much you loved and were committed to the marriage. Not all men are able to commit to that extent. Ditto

 

If we could turn off love, as simply as switching off a light switch, it wouldn't be love.

 

Enough said

 

Gallon

 

thanks, man. your words are always very concise, and command attention. no matter the subject. i tell you, though, the bolded part above is hard as hell. i've seen this guy around. he has no idea who i am. it would just be so easy. yet, i digress, hold my little girl's hand and turn up the hannah montana.

[MrMayI]

i can't believe i'm feeling as lousy as i am. i have an inner ear infection, and it is just compounding my loneliness i believe. i am pretty heavily medicated, and i hope this feeling of severe depression is a result of that and nothing else. i feel like i want to crawl in a hole and stay there. i had to pass my daughter to her mommy until i feel better. could be a few days. god, this sucks.

[tojaz]

Some break I'm giving myself!:rolleyes:

 

MayI, Ladybug, just ignore Jonesy, some people cope by passing their misery onto others. Lift yourself up or push everyone else down. The key to LS is not taking all that is put in front of you. Hundreds of opinions flow through here every day. Take what you can use and leave the rest.

 

Cheer up MAYI, your DD may be doing time with mommy, but you know where she would rather be. You'll be together soon enough. You get lonely or something text me, we can talk some football or something. I'm a little :sick: this week myself.

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

we got along so well. the bomb dropped, now we're divorced. we get along as well or better than we did before said bomb. i just don't get it. she's the only woman i know who makes me feel unappealing, unattractive. they say divorce doesn't have to be the end. i'm sorry to keep coming back, but i believe i still have lots of hope for the future.

[Gunny376]

You don't ever get over it.

 

You learn to live with what is.

 

There is no getting over it.

[floridapad]

I hear ya MrMayI. Same situation for me. I just keep reminding myself that right now it's not meant to be so I can continue on with my life at this moment. If you put hope too much in the forefront of your brain it doesn't allow you to move forward for youself because you constantly think about reconciliation. A wise board member (you know who you are) once told me that I was using hope in the wrong way. Hope is supposed to run in the background not the foreground. She does her thing and you do your "moving on" thing and hope just runs in the background. Not always easy to push it back, but thats why they say focus on moving forward. Got to put that hope in a box for now my friend.

[MrMayI]

I hear ya MrMayI. Same situation for me. I just keep reminding myself that right now it's not meant to be so I can continue on with my life at this moment. If you put hope too much in the forefront of your brain it doesn't allow you to move forward for youself because you constantly think about reconciliation. A wise board member (you know who you are) once told me that I was using hope in the wrong way. Hope is supposed to run in the background not the foreground. She does her thing and you do your "moving on" thing and hope just runs in the background. Not always easy to push it back, but thats why they say focus on moving forward. Got to put that hope in a box for now my friend.

 

 

so true. i don't know if i even have any hope left in me. i just have to keep sailing the direction i am right now, today. i have to take care of my daughter. i miss my family. that dynamic. that's what i'll never get over.

[hopesndreams]

i miss my family. that dynamic. that's what i'll never get over.

 

I miss it too. I suppose, maybe, until there is someone new in your life to share things with, that won't ever leave.

[MrMayI]

i miss my family. that dynamic. that's what i'll never get over.

 

I miss it too. I suppose, maybe, until there is someone new in your life to share things with, that won't ever leave.

 

i'm not saying no one will ever fill those shoes, but no one will ever replace the dynamic i miss. only she and i had that. i've been with and around enough women to know she absolutely was the only one. damn the sex, damn the day to day bull****. our interaction was top notch. i just got off of the phone with her. i miss it. it's just not the same. i almost asked her to dinner and had to tell myself "she's your ****ing EX wife now. stop it!".

[hopesndreams]

You can have the dynamic with someone else. Look where the top notch dynamic got ya? She left.

 

Not having a go at you. This is how I feel about my situation. My relationship was perfect, or so I thought. I'm alone now while he's swanned off with someone else.

[MrMayI]

You can have the dynamic with someone else. Look where the top notch dynamic got ya? She left.

 

Not having a go at you. This is how I feel about my situation. My relationship was perfect, or so I thought. I'm alone now while he's swanned off with someone else.

 

you're absolutely right. i thought that, but knew exactly where it went wrong. i'm watching a friend go through the exact thing i have been in for all of this time. it's not pretty, and it's opening my eyes to my faults, for sure.

[WTFO]

You can have the dynamic with someone else. Look where the top notch dynamic got ya? She left.

 

 

Agreed.. Don't be gun shy about it. it CAN happen.

[LisaUk]

Hi MayI

 

Just caught up on your thread. Sorry to hear you are unwell, me too, really makes you miss the comfort your spouse once gave you doesn't it?

 

I know how you feel, I still have moments where I wonder how he could do this to "us" not just me. Boggles the mind. I miss him still, I do, even though now I can see his faults and he didn't make me a priority in his life, but he still treated me well in some respects.

 

I miss that dynamic too and while I shared it with him I never thought I would find better, yet the guy I spoke about on my thread has proved me wrong. The emotional connection and intimacy I have shared with him (no I'm not talking physical, b/c it hasn't been), has shown me that actually I didn't have as good a connection with my ex as I thought I did. There is better out there, you just haven't met them yet, like H&D said, she walked.

 

I do wonder sometimes if we are all just missing the comfortable aspect of our relationships, knowing someone inside out (or so we thought), being able to talk freely with them, rather than the actual dynamic, b/c in reality was that dynamic so great? Then again, maybe that's just me right now and my recent experinence from meeting this guy?

[MrMayI]

back to numbness.

i feel nothing right now.

if i could spend a day without the thought of her, i'd really be accomplishing something.

everyone around me is smiling, holding each other tightly.

i'm just there.

lost in myself.

the weakness is so overbearing on the strength i had gained.

i fear the tunnel will close, before i find the light.

Edited October 5, 2009 by MrMayI

[TrustInYourself]

Relax man. There is more to life than love and relationships. You need to get out there and live a little.

[MrMayI]

Relax man. There is more to life than love and relationships. You need to get out there and live a little.

 

thanks man. i'm doing just that, and it's great. then, i get alone, and become lost in thought. the cycle of it actually infuriates me. it's not the kind of man i am. i'm not rock bottom or anything. just out of it. i guess that's all i'm saying. it's like pwsx3 has said. you think it's all okay and you're past it, and then it just hits you all over again.

 

believe me, i'm not as co-dependent as i play on the internet, lol.

[floridapad]

MrMayI,

 

I've only posted on this thread a few times, usually with words of concern (or so I think). I'm sorry but you need a good swift kick in the but ( I do apologize). I know everyone backslides but I'm curious to know what you are doing to move forward for yourself. Not just with your daughter, but what are you doing for you. Do you have a plan to move forward for yourself. I have been seperated for 5 months and we are actually on good terms and getting better, but I am trying like hell not to let my wifes pleasantries confuse me (Afterall she committed adultery and said the marriage is over, even though I'm getting the sense she is not fully over it). I started doing some light dating, trying hobbies I've never tried before (scuba Slasa etc.), it's tough I know, but it makes you realize there are a lot of great people out there and it gives you hope for yourself. Yes I still think about my wief everyday, but I can feel she is starting to be emotionally pushed into the background (which sadens me) but what else am I to do. I do know each person heals in their own way, and you are different from me. BTW. No I have not read every single post. It is one hell of a long post which says alot of people care about you. The tunnel will only close if you let it. If you focus on the tunnel closing then it will surely close. If you are thinking the tunnel is closing then it will certainly close. BTW. How was your weekend the other week. I thought we were going to hear some good fun stories. Or maybe I missed them in this mammoth of a thread :-).

[MrMayI]

MrMayI,

 

I've only posted on this thread a few times, usually with words of concern (or so I think). I'm sorry but you need a good swift kick in the but ( I do apologize). I know everyone backslides but I'm curious to know what you are doing to move forward for yourself. Not just with your daughter, but what are you doing for you. Do you have a plan to move forward for yourself. I have been seperated for 5 months and we are actually on good terms and getting better, but I am trying like hell not to let my wifes pleasantries confuse me (Afterall she committed adultery and said the marriage is over, even though I'm getting the sense she is not fully over it). I started doing some light dating, trying hobbies I've never tried before (scuba Slasa etc.), it's tough I know, but it makes you realize there are a lot of great people out there and it gives you hope for yourself. Yes I still think about my wief everyday, but I can feel she is starting to be emotionally pushed into the background (which sadens me) but what else am I to do. I do know each person heals in their own way, and you are different from me. BTW. No I have not read every single post. It is one hell of a long post which says alot of people care about you. The tunnel will only close if you let it. If you focus on the tunnel closing then it will surely close. If you are thinking the tunnel is closing then it will certainly close. BTW. How was your weekend the other week. I thought we were going to hear some good fun stories. Or maybe I missed them in this mammoth of a thread :-).

 

 

i think you missed the post. i had a lot of fun that weekend. met a gorgeous woman, whom i've posted about a few times. big difference in age, but a lot of fun, none the less. i've been seeing her off and on for 2 weeks now.

 

you're right. a kick in the ass is exactly what i need. i just don't understand myself. i was strong as could be a few short weeks ago. now, i'm blathering on and on about loneliness.

 

for myself, i hit the gym regularly, bbq often as my friends all want me to cook for them. been playing softball, running, playing guitar. you name it. i've been doing it. i'll be the first to admit it's a bit ridiculous how i'm down again, and haven't been able to pick back up.

 

like you pad, she's been gone almost 5 months. this backslide has been fairly tumultuous. don't apologize. you just helped me a good bit.

 

it is quite astounding how large this thread is. i pretty much gave hour to hour updates the first couple of months, lol.

[PWSX3]

Something else we are coming into the ruff part of the year, you got holidays, cooler weather so you think of staying home & cuddling, etc. so that will make it hard as well.......

 

Don't know what to tell you, I know you are keeping busy and doing things for you, but for some reason your little mind just keeps thinking of that sore in your life.

 

Maybe that is it, like when you smash your toe that is all you think about. Maybe smash the other foot & you will think of that instead.

[tojaz]

MayI, the loneliness and the backslides aren't just going to stop. To be honest, there will probably be some triggers that will always set you off. My advice is set a time limit, thats what I've been doing. Since I've been sick, the ex has been texting me, I don't know how she heard, but she did. Anyways, I haven't replied to her, but it stirs up the what if's all over again. I give it 15min, i sit by the clock and just feel crappy and let the thoughts race, when the time is up, whether I'm done or not, I pick myself up and go on about my day. It makes it easier because it put you back in control. Let your emotions have their moment, but it's on your schedule!

TOJAZ

[MrMayI]

the fling has blown me off. it feels like a bit of relief. i was thinking she was getting attached by things she said, but maybe she wasn't after all. i also have realized that it was a big trigger toward my most recent backslide. when she wasn't around, i could only compare her to the stbx in my head, and would start spiraling thinking of how i'll never find someone like her again. at least that mental connection. i will or i won't. i'll be fine, either way.

 

in D news, only 6 days and it's final. i had to remind the stbx last night that she will have no insurance as of the 13th, and she seemed a little upset by it. i told her there's nothing i can do about it. she said "there's one thing". i assume she means not be divorced, but i blew it off.

[Logik]

Think of a jigsaw puzzle. So many pieces to sort through and put in place before we can stand back and take a look at the whole picture and realise that the only way that we get to see that entire picture is to actually sit and build the jigsaw, however daunting it looks at first. We start with the edges, then move onto colours and obvious features while we keep looking at the box to see what we're building until it's done. When we finish a section that we are busy with we sit back and take a breather before we continue.

 

The situation that we are in is the same. Except we have no box to refer back to. We don't know what the final picture looks like. We're blindly trying to match pieces together. Once we finish a section, we relax and the pain of the puzzle subsides. Then we go back to the puzzle to tackle the next section, and then it feels like we're at square one again, backsliding. But we aren't. It's just the fear of the next bit we have to tackle. Once we have done the whole puzzle and we can stand back and look at the whole picture and be proud of what we've done. Then that picture will always be there for you to look at, reminding you of what lessons you've learnt.

 

I think that by assuming what your wife might mean, you actually start to remove pieces that you've already placed. You don't want to do this. Just continue with the puzzle and remember the next time you feel a backslide, it's probably because you're starting to face your next challenge.

 

Yes, I like analogies. They help me a lot.