Just Hear Me Out....

[lupa]

back from the soiree.

wow. there were so many people there that when it came time to get our food, i was sitting on the floor with my daughter. my wife held her hand out and "helped" me stand up. she held onto my hand for a few more seconds, and gave me a very hopeful look. at least, i would've thought it hopeful if i weren't ready to strike like a cobra with my wealth of information, and arsenal of d papers. i played it all low key. when she left with our daughter, she asked if i'd walk them to the car. i fastened the little one in, gave her a kiss, and then closed the car door to leave. my wife was rubbing my back and side while i did this. i said "not to stop you, but my aren't you a little affectionate today", or something gay like that. she said "i can just tell how broad you're getting, and solid". i haven't mentioned that i'm a calorie counter normally, but i've been hitting the gym 4 or 5 days a week for 5 weeks now, and i've also started counting calories in the upward direction. i've actually gained about 11 pounds and it's all in muscle. i need to lean up a little.

anyway, she then gave me a hug, and went and started the car. she got out, came back around, rubbed my arm and held my hand again, and then gave me an even bigger hug, where i couldn't help myself. i grabbed her very tightly and buried my nose into her shoulder to take it all in. as she walked back around the car she said "and your haircut and beard look great. you look older, er, more distinguished". i never commented on her haircut (thanks for snapping me out of that sh*t, chrome). she then told me to call her, which i will not again for a few days, at least. if this is how minimal contact is working, i'm going to keep going with it. not saying i'm not ready to end it, but i only live once, and i'd hate to walk away not knowing if my little family could've started rebuilding.

This sounds good. Keep focused, keep solid.

 

I'm impressed with what you've done.

 

Mine is coming over to the house tonight, and I'm going to be cooking when she gets here, let her know I don't need her to take care of myself. I think she'll be looking for a fight, though, so I'm going to take my cue from you and just stay stoic, strong. I hope.

[tojaz]

This sounds good. Keep focused, keep solid.

 

I'm impressed with what you've done.

 

Mine is coming over to the house tonight, and I'm going to be cooking when she gets here, let her know I don't need her to take care of myself. I think she'll be looking for a fight, though, so I'm going to take my cue from you and just stay stoic, strong. I hope.

 

if this is how minimal contact is working, i'm going to keep going with it. not saying i'm not ready to end it, but i only live once, and i'd hate to walk away not knowing if my little family could've started rebuilding.

 

Good attitudes, both of you sound like you've got this nailed. Wish i would have had the opportunity! Keep it rolling, I'm pulling for you both!

TOJAZ

[LonelyGal]

hi all,

i'm new to this place, as you can probably tell by my post count. i just felt like i needed to type out my story so that i could release it.

one month ago my wife of five years told me she wanted to separate, that she's not feeling the "spark" anymore, and doesn't think she's "in love". at that point, i left town for a few days for an already planned trip. when i returned, she left and went to stay with a friend for one night.

when she returned, i gave her the seemingly shocking news to her that i am not even sure what "in love" feels like anymore, and i am okay with the separation. my only worry is our 4 year old daughter. we agreed she would stay with me primarily and we will be very open on visitation and/or family time, for her.

okay, it has been one month since all of that conversation took place. i have run through a whirlwind of emotions the entire month. at times i regret my decision to agree with her on the separation, but every night i thank god for allowing me to say it to her, and i pray that things work out for the best.

my wife almost has all of her things out and into her new rental house. she explained to the landlord that she and i were hoping to make things better, and could she break the lease if so. he told her that was fine, she'd just lose her security deposit. when she told me she had asked, i was floored, because i really thought her decision was the be all to end all with our marriage. at that point i asked her if there was really hope for us, and she said "surely. there has to be. we love each other". i am 100% she is not messing around with anyone else. she has a close friend who is 10 years her junior at work, but that really is all he is, although i think he may be a snake in the grass.

anyway, since then i have searched all types of forums, columns, browsed books, and even went to a counselor. i don't see anything like my situation.

our plan is to still hang out with one another, do things with our daughter both separately and all together, and even go on dates.

my main issues in the fights leading to this are my jealousy, and anti-social tendencies. while i have a wealth of friends, i've always just opted to be a homebody, and looking back i sort of made it not open for discussion with my wife.

we have since discussed the possibility of reconciliation, divorce, and friendship. i would like to remain friends, because at heart we are best friends. she hasn't breeched my trust, but looking at all the other forums and such, it may just be a matter of time.

 

our "guidelines" are:

absolutely no fighting or talk of this in front of our daughter unless it's something she asks.

we both would like to continue to wear our rings.

we've agreed to no dating anyone, except possibly each other.

to openly discuss our issues at designated, agreed upon times.

to keep ourselves open to the possibility of counseling.

 

i guess i'm really wondering, even though i've found nothing really similar, is this all too common? should i strike while the iron's hot, and go ahead toward divorce, or should i really stick it out and try? at the heart of the matter, i adore my wife, i am crazy about my little girl, and i'd like to reconcile. i ask though, because she started it all with an all to common "not in love with you" phrase.

some days i'm really down and out, and others i'm not. it's really been on my mind a lot.

 

 

 

Hi I just wanted to let you know, I know exactly how your feeling, I am gping though the samething right now with my spouse. And just seems like I cant concentrate on anything, Nor does what anyone is trying to say or tell me seem to mean anything. Because I am too upset and wanting him, and I know he says he dont want to be together, but yet I know he dont really mean it, or if he does, I am not accepting it like I should be, But I just wanted you to know I feel your pain! hang in there, if that makes any sense, cause I hear it alot, and feel like I am totally numb, and like i cant move on, and I know I probably will in future, but still so hurt I dont see it right now, But if you ever need to chat just message me!

[MrMayI]

This sounds good. Keep focused, keep solid.

 

I'm impressed with what you've done.

 

Mine is coming over to the house tonight, and I'm going to be cooking when she gets here, let her know I don't need her to take care of myself. I think she'll be looking for a fight, though, so I'm going to take my cue from you and just stay stoic, strong. I hope.

 

as tough as it was today, it felt good. it felt good before the touching happened. i harnessed my inner ox, and played things exactly how i felt i should've. i'm not really out to "win her back" or even be with her right now. i'm out to stop the train on its tracks, whatever that's going to entail.

[MrMayI]

Hi I just wanted to let you know, I know exactly how your feeling, I am gping though the samething right now with my spouse. And just seems like I cant concentrate on anything, Nor does what anyone is trying to say or tell me seem to mean anything. Because I am too upset and wanting him, and I know he says he dont want to be together, but yet I know he dont really mean it, or if he does, I am not accepting it like I should be, But I just wanted you to know I feel your pain! hang in there, if that makes any sense, cause I hear it alot, and feel like I am totally numb, and like i cant move on, and I know I probably will in future, but still so hurt I dont see it right now, But if you ever need to chat just message me!

 

you CAN and you WILL move on!

it doesn't seem that way now, and i'm not quite a veteran of this yet, but be strong. i can tell you i'm learning you are really going to have to let go if you want any inkling of another chance. even then, you're going to have to let go of that inkling of want for another chance. look within yourself. remind yourself in the mirror of who YOU are. don't beg to fix things when you look at yourself.

 

you'll be fine. i promise. breathe, and take your time.

keep posting here. i'd still be falling apart if not for this place.

[MrMayI]

lupa, i say again that i'm very sorry for what happened.

remember that it's a position you said you were prepared to face. i know you really were too. you've helped me along, as well as others. don't fear the future at all. embrace it, because it's coming, whether you do or not.

 

admittedly, i fear the future a little, but i know that's the weaker part of my brain. ignore that. i'm doing my best too.

[LisaUk]

back from the soiree.

wow. there were so many people there that when it came time to get our food, i was sitting on the floor with my daughter. my wife held her hand out and "helped" me stand up. she held onto my hand for a few more seconds, and gave me a very hopeful look. at least, i would've thought it hopeful if i weren't ready to strike like a cobra with my wealth of information, and arsenal of d papers. i played it all low key. when she left with our daughter, she asked if i'd walk them to the car. i fastened the little one in, gave her a kiss, and then closed the car door to leave. my wife was rubbing my back and side while i did this. i said "not to stop you, but my aren't you a little affectionate today", or something gay like that. she said "i can just tell how broad you're getting, and solid". i haven't mentioned that i'm a calorie counter normally, but i've been hitting the gym 4 or 5 days a week for 5 weeks now, and i've also started counting calories in the upward direction. i've actually gained about 11 pounds and it's all in muscle. i need to lean up a little.

anyway, she then gave me a hug, and went and started the car. she got out, came back around, rubbed my arm and held my hand again, and then gave me an even bigger hug, where i couldn't help myself. i grabbed her very tightly and buried my nose into her shoulder to take it all in. as she walked back around the car she said "and your haircut and beard look great. you look older, er, more distinguished". i never commented on her haircut (thanks for snapping me out of that sh*t, chrome). she then told me to call her, which i will not again for a few days, at least. if this is how minimal contact is working, i'm going to keep going with it. not saying i'm not ready to end it, but i only live once, and i'd hate to walk away not knowing if my little family could've started rebuilding.

 

Hi MayI

This sounds positive! See this is why you need to let this whole thing play out and not make any decisions just yet. There is always time for divorce, at least if you try you know you did everything you could, you won't be left with any what if's should it not work out. There's still a chance and I think you need to let things run. Stay strong, you're doing great.

[MrMayI]

Hi MayI

This sounds positive! See this is why you need to let this whole thing play out and not make any decisions just yet. There is always time for divorce, at least if you try you know you did everything you could, you won't be left with any what if's should it not work out. There's still a chance and I think you need to let things run. Stay strong, you're doing great.

 

i'm doing my best. today, i don't feel as positively about it. knowing she's building a home for herself really is still eating me up. i understand the need for things like food and such, but still. this is income that did not have to be taken from our home, and a life that we could've kept building, together. it's hard to trust that there even may be a good outcome when everything is so different.

[MrMayI]

i just really hope my confidence keeps going up, and i don't get myself back into any sort of rut. it's strange feeling like i'm going to be okay in my head and heart, but my gut not letting go of the gloom, thoughts of betrayal, and the willingness to just walk away.

[MrMayI]

a weekend filled with contact, back into no contact. rough.

[LisaUk]

Hi mayI,

I know that must be tough. I still can't figure your wife out, I think perhaps I am an odditiy in that I am just very srightforawrd. How are you doing today?

[MrMayI]

Hi mayI,

I know that must be tough. I still can't figure your wife out, I think perhaps I am an odditiy in that I am just very srightforawrd. How are you doing today?

 

i'm doing good, and i hope you're the same.

i can't figure her out either. i mean, i know she remembers telling ME to call HER, and she's that kind of person. she's going to wait until i call her. i don't know anymore. i'm not so driven to just end everything anymore. i'm actually not sure what i want at the moment. i just gathered from yesterday that she must miss me now. i miss her too, but i don't know if it's loneliness or really missing her. i'm going to have to keep it together.

[MrMayI]

i just want to blather, as i've had a really long day. i miss my wife. i truly do. i miss the three of us as a family. i can't help it. there was something great in it, and now it's just like occupying the time in between having my daughter and not.

 

i don't miss the petty arguments. i don't miss the constant knot in my stomach from the overwhelming thoughts of an affair. i don't miss that at all. right now, i've resigned to the fact that she is going to do whatever it is she is going to do, and if it doesn't effect my child in any way, there is absolutely nothing i can do about it.

 

i'm not afraid of ending this. i'm not afraid of laying down my arms and saying "i've done all i can". i am afraid of NOT doing all i can before it's all said and done. however, i don't know what else i can do at this point. i've been working dilligently on myself, and i have to say i'm very proud of the results i'm getting. i'm learning to let things go. i'm learning what giving and receiving of space truly is. i'm proud of myself for remaining in a strong position for so long. i'm afraid of falling again.

 

i don't want to "date" my wife. i don't want to have to work to make her fall for me again. the first time was so natural. it just was there. we didn't have to "make" anything happen. we just went with it.

there aren't many different qualities i would look for in someone else. she has them all. sure, there are the hidden, dark qualities that have reared their ugly head in the past couple of months, but the times when it was good, it was perfect. she helped to make me who i am today. she unknowingly is helping to make me into who i am becoming.

 

i'm not seeking to find if who i am becoming is going to be who she wants to reignite the fire with. this woman will be in my life for the next 14 years. our daughter is a very loving child. i can't bear the thought of her learning hatred or animosity from her parent's interaction. my 180, of sorts, has been totally for her. i just can't let her see her daddy sad and pining. she can't know that her daddy is broken inside right now. that's not the image of "daddy" i was raised to portray. my daddy was, and still is to this day, the strongest man i know.

 

i'm learning as it all goes along that i really don't have an agenda, in regards to my marriage. not right now, anyway. i'm not out to divorce. i'm not out to reconcile. i'm just out to remain in tact. to look back on this down the road, and just be able to smile and say "that was one hell of a ride".

[MrMayI]

i'm beginning to think that maybe i have done all that i can do. cake eating is a tumultuous thing to deal with. how long should i be expected to sit back and let it happen? i don't have any papers yet, and minimal contact makes me feel like i'm just being walked all over. i'm doing my best to remain solemn, but i feel i could be about to burst.

[LisaUk]

Hi, how was it left last time? You made plans to meet and talk or she still not willing to go MC or talk issues through?

[MrMayI]

Hi, how was it left last time? You made plans to meet and talk or she still not willing to go MC or talk issues through?

 

we made plans to meet and talk this week sometime, but i know she won't follow through. as far as MC, she doesn't think it will help "us". "we're" not the kind of people who buy into that stuff.

 

i'm at a loss. it feels like i'm just treading water until i find out she's gone full PA with someone. it really does. i'm completely numb. i can't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. i wake up, spend an hour or so telling myself to just end it. let it go. then, i wake up telling myself to bide my time. wait it out. maybe it's not what you think.

 

one of me is wrong.

[LisaUk]

we made plans to meet and talk this week sometime, but i know she won't follow through. as far as MC, she doesn't think it will help "us". "we're" not the kind of people who buy into that stuff.

 

i'm at a loss. it feels like i'm just treading water until i find out she's gone full PA with someone. it really does. i'm completely numb. i can't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. i wake up, spend an hour or so telling myself to just end it. let it go. then, i wake up telling myself to bide my time. wait it out. maybe it's not what you think.

 

one of me is wrong.

 

Yes, one of you is wrong. The question is which one, do you think there is anything you can do to determine which one? I know many on here would advise the we either work on this or that's it apporach, but if you don't think that's the way to go yet then you probably shouldn't.

[MrMayI]

Yes, one of you is wrong. The question is which one, do you think there is anything you can do to determine which one? I know many on here would advise the we either work on this or that's it apporach, but if you don't think that's the way to go yet then you probably shouldn't.

 

i don't know, lisa. i really wish i did. i don't think the work on it approach will work for me right now. minimal contact seems to have had an effect, but i know her well enough to know she's not just sitting back and thinking about things. she's doing whatever she can to not allow this to be on her mind all of the time. i try to do that, but it hasn't been very long. i'm just blown away at the amount of people i find (including myself) who just have been stepped on and lied to in the same way, and they NEVER thought the other person would or could do anything like that.

 

i actually talked to my parents about it last night. my father tells me if i want to see if things can work, i need to sit back, relax, and give it time.

my mother thinks if i want to see if things can work, i need to be on top of it at any given opportunity with her.

i don't want to be a pusher. i also don't want to be a doormat. i think i'm learning that the one doing the damage can't see what they are doing as wrong at all, because they are not there. how can you be doing something wrong if you're not around?

 

i have a co-worker who left her husband almost 2 months ago. they've talked every single day since she left, and they went to their first MC session last week. she says she doesn't know what will happen, but she's happy to say they are BOTH trying, at least. i envy that.

[LisaUk]

Yes I too find it difficult to understand how one person can so blantly betray another and act like they have done nothing wrong. I know this feeling also as my ex acts like ending an 18 year relationship without even expressing unhappiness and trying to work things out first, is completely acceptable. He behaves as if we had been daing a few months, not living together as married (he made me believe he thought of me as his spouse)for 10 years. It boggles the mind. I never thought he would do this to me either. One thing that really grates me is that the majority of his friends and family did not know we had set the date at church, I have since found out he has been lying about why he left me. If it turns out she has been having an EA or a PA MayI and this all goes to hell, EXPOSE her, don't let her get away with making out you are the bad guy, when you are not.

[MrMayI]

a big part of me wants to start exposing what i already know today. i have already told my brother what i know, and have been having to keep him from jumping on the other guy. apparently, he knows him from somewhere. i don't know him. i know what he drives, and we don't live in a large place, so i may see him from time to time. i haven't since all of this started, and i can't really say just what will happen if and when i do.

i just keep thinking that it'd be in my best interest to not even reveal to her what i know until the papers are ready. i feel they are my crutch.

[phineas]

I know how you feel.

I felt this way a month ago.

Then after I retained my divorce laywer after my wife retained hers & she actually seemed troubled when I told her I was fastracking the divorce so we didn't have to wait a yr seperated before we file.

 

I realized my wife walked away from me, our marriage, our family, & her home just so she could screw some other man that makes less money than me, lives with his mommy & daddy & is 5 yrs younger than her.

 

He wants his own family. Not mine.

 

I don't know if he's still with her or not & I don't care.

She was using me as her back-up plan in case things fell through with OM.

She needed time to get his GF out of the way so she could get him back.

 

It's the only reason she didn't end it when she moved out. I realized this when she still kept lieing to me about affair.

 

Her version of truth is based on what she thinks I learned from OM's family & now ex-GF. Apparantly OM forgot to tell her about some details he told me & after all was said & done she still choose to lie to me. Why? to minimize damage.

 

Why? because in her mind she now has 4 to 5 months to figure out if OM is going to work out before we sign the divorce papers instead of 12 to 18 months. so now she calls me multiple times a day to ask me if I need anything from the store. She compliments me more than ever & she tries to tell me about her day & friends ect. All things she didn't talk to me about because she was telling OM. Too bad. I think it's too late because I just don't care about these things coming from her because she has shown herself to be decietful. When she says good bye on the phone I just hang up without saying anything.

 

I'm starting to view her calling as an annoyance & may nicely tell her she only needs to tell me she is going shopping then picking up the kids once.

Not 5 times.

 

I've come to the conclusion that most women who want their marriage to work don't say they need their space & move out & get one yr leases on apartments.

 

They do it so they can more easily pursue another man & see if he'll take care of them & use their husband as a back-up.

 

Get proof of affair then drop papers & call her family all in one fell swoop.

She may drop OM & come running back to you but then you'll have deal with knowing your second best (she'll say you never were), but she choose OM over you so yea, you really were.

 

The good news is she is allready out of the house so if she wants back make her work for it. If she won't work for it then that problem is solved.

 

If you do take her back it really depends on what she learned.

A valuable life lesson or how to hide an affair better.

[MrMayI]

Phineas, i appreciate all of that. my plan is to drop it all at once, if that's what it comes to.

 

the only problem i've run into, is i'm saying the whole affair is phone based, and she told her family i don't trust her, and check her phone as being the reason she left, so they won't give a damn anyway. maybe if they see the amount of it, they'll understand. i have absolutely zero proof of anything physical going on. a big part of me wishes i did, so i could hit my annoyed point, instead of this wandering mind point.

[Owl]

When and where is she talking to OM on the phone? Wirelessly in the car? Or via the home phone?

 

If in the car, get a voice activated digital recorder, with remote mic, and place it under the dash of the car with the mic attached under the steering wheel.

 

If it's at home, look for one that has a phone jack adapter, and attach it to an unused jack in an out of the way place where she's not likely to come across it. Alternatively, if she takes her calls in a specific room and you can't get a recorder that attaches to the phone, place it hidden in that room where it can still pick up her side of the conversation.

 

Is she using any other form of contact, like email/IM?

 

Sorry, just read the last couple of posts on this thread, and thought I'd chime in.

[phineas]

Phineas, i appreciate all of that. my plan is to drop it all at once, if that's what it comes to.

 

the only problem i've run into, is i'm saying the whole affair is phone based, and she told her family i don't trust her, and check her phone as being the reason she left, so they won't give a damn anyway. maybe if they see the amount of it, they'll understand. i have absolutely zero proof of anything physical going on. a big part of me wishes i did, so i could hit my annoyed point, instead of this wandering mind point.

 

Is there cheater's playbook? My wife seems to be doing the same thing as half a dozen other wives on this forum.

 

My wife has told her family & friends i'm a jelous controlling jerk & called me mousilini a few times because I wanted her to end her affair & prove it to me by being transparent.

 

She said that OM was just a friend she started having feelings for because I was ignoring her & diconected from her, but nothing happened & she wasn't giving up her friend.

 

so blabbing to any of our common friends is pointless. I also don't want to put them in the middle.

[MrMayI]

When and where is she talking to OM on the phone? Wirelessly in the car? Or via the home phone?

 

If in the car, get a voice activated digital recorder, with remote mic, and place it under the dash of the car with the mic attached under the steering wheel.

 

If it's at home, look for one that has a phone jack adapter, and attach it to an unused jack in an out of the way place where she's not likely to come across it. Alternatively, if she takes her calls in a specific room and you can't get a recorder that attaches to the phone, place it hidden in that room where it can still pick up her side of the conversation.

 

Is she using any other form of contact, like email/IM?

 

Sorry, just read the last couple of posts on this thread, and thought I'd chime in.

 

she doesn't live with me anymore. it's her cell. the activity is through the roof. she may as well just duct tape it around her head or in her palm, as much as she's talking/texting on it.

no e-mail/IM.