tojaz Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 i read that EA's are the easiest for the cheater to deny, and stick with it. reason is, in their mind nothing has physically been done. little does one think that something physical in fact HAS been done. moving out is a physical thing, is it not? no worries. gonna hang out with like 4 couples tonight and drink beer and eat chicken wings. i'm used to being alone around all these people, so no worries there. lisa, because she's unaware of my knowledge of what's going on, everything can still operate the same in her mind. my good friend told me last night that when i drop papers it's probably going to shock her back to reality. i don't know though. Some people don't believe in an affair, unless sex has taken place. My wife kissed the guy, flirted with him through E-mail, texted him 50 times in a month (that same mont I got 10 i think), talked about our relationship (things she wouldn't even share with me!) yet "hes just a good friend" because nothing happened. I think I could get over cheap sex a lot quicker then the emotional part.:mad::mad::mad: TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 11, 2009 Author Share Posted July 11, 2009 betrayal is betrayal. my mind is too fried this weekend to try and figure the logic of anything. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 betrayal is betrayal. my mind is too fried this weekend to try and figure the logic of anything. True enough! i thought you where going to take a break? Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 Some people don't believe in an affair, unless sex has taken place. My wife kissed the guy, flirted with him through E-mail, texted him 50 times in a month (that same mont I got 10 i think), talked about our relationship (things she wouldn't even share with me!) yet "hes just a good friend" because nothing happened. I think I could get over cheap sex a lot quicker then the emotional part.:mad::mad::mad: TOJAZ People that have an affair don't see it as an affair. They find ways to blame the other person for what they are doing. I had an affair on my former wife 20 years ago & I did the same thing, find reasons and excuses to make it right in my own mind. I compare it to a drug habit, when would you ever get the truth out of a crack head? That is what fuels an affair, the person will listen, they agree with you & you start to get interested. You start to enjoy the attention & in my case she enjoyed my attention as well so it was working both ways..... I am not proud of what I did but I try & share it now so others might understand better. When people are in an affair you can't talk or reason with them because they are not truthful to themselves. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 11, 2009 Share Posted July 11, 2009 People that have an affair don't see it as an affair. They find ways to blame the other person for what they are doing. I had an affair on my former wife 20 years ago & I did the same thing, find reasons and excuses to make it right in my own mind. I compare it to a drug habit, when would you ever get the truth out of a crack head? That is what fuels an affair, the person will listen, they agree with you & you start to get interested. You start to enjoy the attention & in my case she enjoyed my attention as well so it was working both ways..... I am not proud of what I did but I try & share it now so others might understand better. When people are in an affair you can't talk or reason with them because they are not truthful to themselves. Things do make a lot more sense when you look at it like that. The affair fog, that is refered to here all too often. Mind if I ask what eventualy broke it for you? or is the relationship still going on. No prob if you don't want to share that, a lot of info. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 True enough! i thought you where going to take a break? i've done my best to. no research or anything like that has been going on. i can't turn my head off though. no matter how hard i try. pwsx3- i know what you are saying. i mean, i've been battling jealousy issues that i'm starting to realize aren't even really there. i was blinded. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 we have a family get together today. my side of the family. my wife will be there as well. i'm very nervous about it. i was unable to control my emotions at the last event like this. i know i'm a little better now, and will not flip out like i did last time. however, i will have that welling up of feelings that keeps happening over and over. while my wife may be indifferent to it, my family will notice. yesterday was tough. being at her house to pick up my daughter as they returned from yet another big shopping trip, and seeing that she is continuing to build a home for herself really hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
WTFO Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 my good friend told me last night that when i drop papers it's probably going to shock her back to reality. i don't know though. I wouldn't hold my breath. My STBX would welcome it. It's that we just can't afford around 20K for fees. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 we have a family get together today. my side of the family. my wife will be there as well. i'm very nervous about it. i was unable to control my emotions at the last event like this. i know i'm a little better now, and will not flip out like i did last time. however, i will have that welling up of feelings that keeps happening over and over. while my wife may be indifferent to it, my family will notice. yesterday was tough. being at her house to pick up my daughter as they returned from yet another big shopping trip, and seeing that she is continuing to build a home for herself really hurts. Thats why she's showing you!! My wife couldn't wait to fill me in on her "new life" what she was doing, how happy she'd been, even told me how great it felt to sign the papers! GRRRRRRRRR:mad::mad: She's punishing you, the best way she knows how, and your letting it work. Pull the LUPA and just play it cool, even if your on fire on the inside. It's just a passive aggressive move to torture you, she might not even know why or even if she's doing it. Just ride it and the family gathering out. On the get together, concoct something that will pull you away from time to time. Checking E-mail, chores, anything so you have an excuse to escape when things get to be too much, without anybody being the wiser. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Thats why she's showing you!! My wife couldn't wait to fill me in on her "new life" what she was doing, how happy she'd been, even told me how great it felt to sign the papers! GRRRRRRRRR:mad::mad: She's punishing you, the best way she knows how, and your letting it work. Pull the LUPA and just play it cool, even if your on fire on the inside. It's just a passive aggressive move to torture you, she might not even know why or even if she's doing it. Just ride it and the family gathering out. On the get together, concoct something that will pull you away from time to time. Checking E-mail, chores, anything so you have an excuse to escape when things get to be too much, without anybody being the wiser. TOJAZ i really have been doing my best to play it cool. i really don't have any other choice right now. we agreed that we need to get together one night this week when she doesn't have work, without our daughter around. i still haven't quite figured out what direction i'd like for that to go. on one hand, i hope the papers ARE ready so that i can present them to her, and just get on that path. on the other, i just want to see if we can enjoy each other's company without everything coming back up. i really don't see the other hand working out right though. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 i really have been doing my best to play it cool. i really don't have any other choice right now. we agreed that we need to get together one night this week when she doesn't have work, without our daughter around. i still haven't quite figured out what direction i'd like for that to go. on one hand, i hope the papers ARE ready so that i can present them to her, and just get on that path. on the other, i just want to see if we can enjoy each other's company without everything coming back up. i really don't see the other hand working out right though. Try this first, if she wants to talk, let her bring it up. Keep the papers filed away somewhere. Like an Atom bomb waiting for negotiations to break down. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Thats why she's showing you!! My wife couldn't wait to fill me in on her "new life" what she was doing, how happy she'd been, even told me how great it felt to sign the papers! GRRRRRRRRR:mad::mad: She's punishing you, the best way she knows how, and your letting it work. Pull the LUPA and just play it cool, even if your on fire on the inside. It's just a passive aggressive move to torture you, she might not even know why or even if she's doing it. Just ride it and the family gathering out. On the get together, concoct something that will pull you away from time to time. Checking E-mail, chores, anything so you have an excuse to escape when things get to be too much, without anybody being the wiser. TOJAZ My ex also couldn't wait to tell me how happy he is, how free! Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Dosen't that just cut to the bone? Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Dosen't that just cut to the bone? It did espically as he didn't tell me he was unhappy until AFTER he left, but looking back on it he's only happpy and free because he is in replay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (marriageadvocate). Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 My ex also couldn't wait to tell me how happy he is, how free! i'm not really sure this is what i'm getting. i mean, she hasn't said anything like that. i just can't peg it. i almost wish her brother would get back in touch with me, so that i can get his view on things, but i really don't need that. i wonder if he's pushed MC her direction the way he has with me. i need to become a brick wall. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 It did espically as he didn't tell me he was unhappy until AFTER he left, but looking back on it he's only happpy and free because he is in replay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (marriageadvocate). Ditto, what I cant figure out is, where is the F#@KING REWIND. Just remember Lisa, the bad thing about Replay is that it still ends the same way! TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 i'm not really sure this is what i'm getting. i mean, she hasn't said anything like that. i just can't peg it. i almost wish her brother would get back in touch with me, so that i can get his view on things, but i really don't need that. i wonder if he's pushed MC her direction the way he has with me. i need to become a brick wall. She will, it's still pssive agressive right now, hidden between the lines. Unfortunately it gets worse and more blatant as time goes on. Why don't you call her bro and ask? Sounds like he is being supportive of the marriage. Any ally is going to be a big help. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 She will, it's still pssive agressive right now, hidden between the lines. Unfortunately it gets worse and more blatant as time goes on. Why don't you call her bro and ask? Sounds like he is being supportive of the marriage. Any ally is going to be a big help. TOJAZ sadly, i think you're right about that, and it will only get worse. i'm going to keep my a-bomb papers just near the forefront of my mind. i don't want to call her brother right now. i'm seriously worried i'll tell him of the EA going on right now, if that is what it is, and he'll lose it and tell her. i'd like to keep that as my ace in the hole, just in case this does go the D route. Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Sounds like a good plan, but maybe exposing the EA will put a little more pressure on her from someone besides you, because right now, she aint listening. I didn't have that opportunity because she had spun her story to everyone before I got the memo. Just a though. TOJAZ Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 i can't believe she even wants to be around my family. i really think she's so diluted about what an affair really is. the minimal contact was really working well. we discussed doing something together one day this week. of course, i made mention that i really don't have anything to talk about if it doesn't involve the marriage and which direction it's going. she doesn't want that. i knew i shouldn't have brought anything like that up. what an idiot. Link to post Share on other sites
LisaUk Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 i can't believe she even wants to be around my family. i really think she's so diluted about what an affair really is. the minimal contact was really working well. we discussed doing something together one day this week. of course, i made mention that i really don't have anything to talk about if it doesn't involve the marriage and which direction it's going. she doesn't want that. i knew i shouldn't have brought anything like that up. what an idiot. Don't beat yourself up! Is she there now? Link to post Share on other sites
tojaz Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 i can't believe she even wants to be around my family. i really think she's so diluted about what an affair really is. the minimal contact was really working well. we discussed doing something together one day this week. of course, i made mention that i really don't have anything to talk about if it doesn't involve the marriage and which direction it's going. she doesn't want that. i knew i shouldn't have brought anything like that up. what an idiot. Your fine, shes still playing along. Maybe your family will tighten the screws for you a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 back from the soiree. wow. there were so many people there that when it came time to get our food, i was sitting on the floor with my daughter. my wife held her hand out and "helped" me stand up. she held onto my hand for a few more seconds, and gave me a very hopeful look. at least, i would've thought it hopeful if i weren't ready to strike like a cobra with my wealth of information, and arsenal of d papers. i played it all low key. when she left with our daughter, she asked if i'd walk them to the car. i fastened the little one in, gave her a kiss, and then closed the car door to leave. my wife was rubbing my back and side while i did this. i said "not to stop you, but my aren't you a little affectionate today", or something gay like that. she said "i can just tell how broad you're getting, and solid". i haven't mentioned that i'm a calorie counter normally, but i've been hitting the gym 4 or 5 days a week for 5 weeks now, and i've also started counting calories in the upward direction. i've actually gained about 11 pounds and it's all in muscle. i need to lean up a little. anyway, she then gave me a hug, and went and started the car. she got out, came back around, rubbed my arm and held my hand again, and then gave me an even bigger hug, where i couldn't help myself. i grabbed her very tightly and buried my nose into her shoulder to take it all in. as she walked back around the car she said "and your haircut and beard look great. you look older, er, more distinguished". i never commented on her haircut (thanks for snapping me out of that sh*t, chrome). she then told me to call her, which i will not again for a few days, at least. if this is how minimal contact is working, i'm going to keep going with it. not saying i'm not ready to end it, but i only live once, and i'd hate to walk away not knowing if my little family could've started rebuilding. Link to post Share on other sites
NopeNah Posted July 12, 2009 Share Posted July 12, 2009 Stay strong for YOU and your DAUGHTER! Link to post Share on other sites
Author MrMayI Posted July 12, 2009 Author Share Posted July 12, 2009 Stay strong for YOU and your DAUGHTER! thanks. i'm doing my best. pretty proud of myself for now. ups and downs always happen though. Link to post Share on other sites
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