I get it!

[LisaUk]

Sure it takes two people to make a marriage work & it takes two people to break a marriage but that doesn't mean it is a 50-50 split. We all have our faults but that doesn't mean you/me were the bad people.....Like in your situation he just doesn't care anymore, he has other plans in "his" head & they just don't include you.

 

I really beat myself up in the beginning because my former wife told me it was all my fault but the more I learned about me & the more I worked on me the more I learned it was both of us.

 

Lot of times it is just little things, and most of it is how we were raised & I also feel that as we grow we change & unless we work as a team & grow together then the growing apart comes a lot quicker....just my two thoughts I cause.

 

You can't control how he feels, you can't control what he is thinking so don't worry about it or it will drive you crazy.

Just because your spouse does something doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you are at blame, you are just in the mix....

 

PW, I get what you mean and I could understand if we had been having problems and if we had tried to resolve things before but he never expressed he was unhappy, he never told me that he didn't like something or that he felt we had major problems. We had literally just set the date to get married, he left and only AFTER he left, at my constant requests, did he offer any reasons why he did not want to be together anymore. He said, he felt we had never been compatible and he had been unhappy for the entire 18 year relationship. He then changed this to 6 years, then he said 3 years, then he said 6 months, he then changed the reasons then back again.

 

I can't even begin to make sense of how it went wrong and if it was going wrong why on earth did he call the Vicar to book our wedding two weeks beforehand. See, logically if he loved me enough to want to get married, then surely any problems could have been worked out, he didn't want to even try and work anything out, he said he was too scared.

[LisaUk]

Just thinking about what I wrote above about getting the Vicar round. He actually said to me after he left that he didn't think our wedding felt "real" until it came to book the reception, he said "it all feels a bit real". The book on CP says they will leave when they feel the relationship is "REAL", fear of ever after.

 

I mean really, what person in their right mind doesn't understand that, walking round 4 wedding venues with wedding co-ordinators, two churches, one church communion sevice, the Vicar to our house, taking out and paying for wedding insurance, having a meal with my bridesmaid and her husband discussing the plans and talking with our respective parents drawing up guest lists and talking about costs, means they are getting married and that it is "REAL"?

[broken hearted]

Gosh Lisa, your last post just made me cry! My husband did the exact same thing to me! I literally had no idea he was unhappy until the day he walked out! He keeps trying to tell me that he tried to talk to me but I wasn't hearing him. How can anybody understand that someone is unhappy enough to walk out the next day if we were actively trying to conceive a baby and finalizing floor plans to build a house? You are so strong and I wish I had that strength. I still want my husband to wake up! He is still so focused on blaming me for everything just to justify his actions! He took the halo that he used to hold over my head, replaced them with horns, and then placed the halo over his own head so that he can tell himself he was forced to do what he's done!

 

I wish I had the strength to walk away and end things bc I really don't see my husband realizing what he's done and the pain he's caused so many people anytime soon! My heart is literally broken for my son and this baby who will arrive in just a few short weeks.

[silverfish]

Hi Lisa

Well what happened was (briefly!)...we were together for 15 years. We met when I was 21 & he was 23, and I don't think he really grew up. We have 2 children, had a business, mortgage, the works. He worked very long hours (his choice) so I couldn't work too much which was hard for me. Through his job he ended up drinking, socialising, taking drugs, going out. I was constantly trying to get his attention. He had a few flirtations and ended up kissing someone he worked with about 8 years ago, but apart from that he didn't physically cheat on me.

 

He started to become very angry with life in general, and would sulk & ignore me for days. He moved out for a bit about 3 years ago after he had a huge row with my sister (he was drunk). He could start an argument in an empty room.

 

We had a business together. It took two years to sell, and I tried many times to talk to him about what was going to happen after with us.

One night he got angry and I asked him if he even considered me to be a friend any more...he said no. I moved out a month later...it seemed pointless to keep trying to talk to him when all he did was get angry with me

 

We continued to 'try' but his temper got worse to the point I became scared of him. He tried to get my friends on 'his' side, he hung around where I live a lot. He still can't have a rational conversation about any of it.

 

I met someone else about a year ago. Its been difficult for me & my boyfriend with my ex still hanging around (not sure why he would want to) & we split up for a while.

Now... I am back together with my boyfriend and since the last incident with my ex where he threw a drink over me (drunk again) I don't let him anywhere near me.

 

My new relationship is much stronger because my boyfriend has been around and there for me as a friend (!) throughout all my drama.

I spent a lot of time trying to work out what went wrong and analysing my ex's personality. I don't care anymore. As long as he is a good Dad that's all that matters to me, and if he can't speak to me it's his loss.

 

I understand what you mean about not wanting to make the same mistakes again. When my boyfriend & I had our problems I immediately thought 'here we go again' and that it was all my fault.

 

Thing is - if your partner is angry with you, they need to communicate what the problem is. Then you can figure out how to deal with it and how to put it right. You know how to do that Lisa & undoubtedly recognise what you did wrong if anything, same as me. That's no good if the other person can't show the maturity, respect, and intelligence to do the same in return.

 

I have never been happier in a relationship than I am now with my boyfriend. having said that I am sad for myself that it took me so long to get myself here. I am also sad that I couldn't have that happiness with my ex.

 

It's a big part of your life and not wanting to let it go is normal. It is a bit like a death with no body.

[LisaUk]

Thanks for your reply Broken, I know what you mean, it's a huge shock.

 

Silverfish, he certainly did/does sound very angry, maybe the drugs had something to do with it? In my case my ex's anger only came after he left, never before, it's so odd. I had a counselling session today, my counsellor thinks it's odd as well, the whole thing I mean. I think she has helped somewhat to clarify my thoughts.

 

I'm pleased to hear that you have moved on and have a BF, maybe there is hope for us all?

 

I wish he hadn't done this.

[hopesndreams]

Thanks for all the replies.

 

Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Of that I am sure (well, as sure as I can be LOL). It is time, I have decided, to start thinking about me and stop thinking about what has and is going on in his Commitmentphobic psyche. Due to his Houdini style exit, I have done nothing but question myself and what I KNOW to be the reality of our relationship, I even question whether he is CP, even now, even though it is blindingly obvious to anyone with half a brain.

 

All part and parcel of the way he left, the way he twisted everything to rationalize his own commitment conflicts, according to the book.

 

Enough is enough. This man caused me indescribable pain. This man put me on the street with no job and no income. This man made me question myself and my own character. This man made me an escapegoat to justify his own problems. This man was cruel to me. This man has CP. This man is a COWARD.

 

Time for me to keep remembering this, time for me to accept that I cannot and will not ever take him back, time for me to put me first and to self preserve.

 

I absolutely love this posting Lisa. It shows you are an intelligent woman. Whenever in doubt, re-read this posting. It's taken you awhile to get to this way of thinking, good things come to those who wait, don't ever lose this perspective. This is the kinda stuff and these are the thoughts that will get you through and make you tougher and more confident.

[silverfish]

I met my boyfriend on the internet Lisa. I was so sceptical about the whole thing but it really has worked for me

I don't know about the drugs - i never took anything, and although it probably didnt help, I dont think it was a huge factor in his behaviour. He (my ex) is a major f up and thats just the way he is.

I didnt do internet dating but met my boyfriend through a shared interest of mine. I really don't think that meeting someone else will be a problem for you. The problem may be making it work and / or being ready. This may be down to letting go of your ex but i found that just having fun & also sex helped.I have a new best friend. It grew from there to the point where filling a void etc was irrelevant - its a different place now. The place I wanted it to be for so long - just with someone else. Its strange and wonderful. i hope you say yes on Monday !

[soheartbroken]

OT: Lisa if you accept you can always change your mind, right? They can't force you to do it. If you don't accept then you will probably have to wait to apply again?

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa

 

I think that I had a dream the other night about my ex-fiance. The reason I say I think is that when you get older, you tend not to remember last nights dreams.

 

From some of your previous posts, I sensed that you felt you had a 200 mile safety net. I just wanted to warn you and the others on this board who are in a similar painful situation to be prepared and armour yourself to the possibility that some of you will in all likelyhood cross paths with the WS when you least expect it

 

My XW almost caught me off guard when she wanted to come back. It would have been a terrible mistake

 

My ex-fiance and I bumped into each other a couple of times. One was two years after the break up, when I was out dancing, and I thought that she had moved to another state. I / We really screwed that one up big time

 

Five years ago I bumped into my X MIL. She was always nice to me, so I at least owed it to her to say hi.

 

About a year ago I saw my ex-fiance get out of a car and walk up to a house just down the street from us. Even though it has been over 30 years since I last saw her, I am positive it was her.

 

The point is each and every time, even though I have long moved on and I am totally into my GF, I was still unsettled by the incidents. It is not that there are any remaining feelings, just a sense of loss, and another short term of the wondering and the "What if's"

[semperdolens]

I don't know about the drugs - i never took anything, and although it probably didnt help, I dont think it was a huge factor in his behaviour. He (my ex) is a major f up and thats just the way he is.

 

As a recovering alcoholic (more in behaviour than actual use), I can tell you it was the alcohol... I recognise the anger and the resentment, the frustration and the depression, all of which has gone since I stopped drinking. Alcohol takes you on a different level and alters your perception of life... I'm sorry that happened to you and I'm sure my wife thinks the same about me, even if I've been sober 6 months... I will never be able to overcome the guilt and the pain I have inflicted to my family. I wish you all the best.

[KellyP]

Mrs. Lisa

 

I just read all this, and while I've never been married. I know all too well that It's very hard to love someone you know you can't have. I would think about him for hours on end, and it never did anything but make me want him more. If it's meant to be, then it will happen in its own time and when you least expect it.

 

Tojaz said you liked the Tarot readings, so heres yours for today. I still send them to Tojaz everyday, but if you would like to check them yourself, heres where I get them.

http://tarot.horoscope.com/free-daily-tarot-reading.html

KEL

 

 

The kindness of Temperance and the power of Strength promise you a successful development of your friendships and love relationships, Lisa. You are radiating an incredible charm, you know how to seduce by being kind and gentle, and you’re laying down one card after the other, while smiling all the while. Unless you start getting manipulative with it, this cocktail of attributes ensures 100% happiness! In the professional sphere, Strength boosts your working life with a new vigor. After a period of confusion - represented by the Fool, you embark on new projects with enthusiasm and confidence in your abilities. You prove your effectiveness in your role and show your co-workers that you’ve got what it takes to make the most of these new responsibilities. Great stuff! Knock ‘em dead!

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa

 

I could not post a reply to your question of why last night as I was busy writing an article for a historical society. Please do not misunderstand, I am not bragging

 

In my college days I knew I liked history and archeology, but never got to really explore my potential in these fields as I had to quit school and go to work. I had not stepped onto a college campus in over 15 years when I had my short stint with marriage. After the break up I began exploring my new home. About a year after the break up, while driving past a university I decided to give myselft a tour of the campus. Actually it was to check out the college chicks. I know a little pervy for a man nearing 40. As luck would have it, it began to rain and seeking shelter, I went into the grad library. When in a pie shop grab a pie, when in a library grab a book. I had to do something while waiting out the rain. I took down a book that was over a 100 years old, and within minutes I found an item that answered a question that had remained unanswered since the turn of the century. In an instant I knew what I wanted to do with the rest of my life, historical research. It was awesome to know something that no one else in the whole world knew.

 

I am one of the luck ones to have "found myself"

 

From your posts, although you can't see it at this time, I sense that you are on the verge of doing the same. All you have to do it let it happen

[LisaUk]

Morning all, thanks for all the replies.

 

Kel, thanks for the tarot, rather freaky wouldn't you say?! You are right I do miss him and what we had and wish he hadn't done this. The question of why though, was not about me still wanting him or about not letting go.

That question was for me. My counsellor brought this up yesterday. I needed to know why because this was 18 years of my life and it ended so abrubtly at the peak of our relationship, at the point of deep commitment.

 

I needed to ask why because I needed to make sense of it. In doing so I have found that I have some serious problems with self esteem. I allowed him to control me because my perception of self worth is so wrapped up in what other people think of me.

 

During our relationship I asked for reassurance from him many times, was he happy, did he love me etc. He always replied yes. He did not give me any indication that he was unhappy. I have questionned my part in this, partly because of my self esteem issues and partly because of the way he ended things and twisted events. I know now this had nothing to do with me. Even typing that, my own self doubt is telling me it sounds arrogant, yet I know in my heart I did nothing wrong to him. If someone is saying they are happy, they either are or they are lying. What could I have done? By asking why, I am allowing myself to let go.

 

I do not want him anymore.

 

Gallon and Soheartbroken, if I do this, I have to see it through, I cannot afford to waste the fees. I am vering towards accepting, I am still unsure but it will either turn out to be the best or worst decision of my life. Only time will tell.

[tojaz]

Hi, I hope it's ok to post on here? I posted earlier all the details of my partner of 18 years leaving me, since then I have read some of the other threads on here. I get it, I've spent so much time thinking about why he's left me when it's not about that. It's about how I can get through this.

 

All I've done for three months is go round and round asking why he would give up on us without trying, when I didn't even know there were problems. I just need to know how to get through this.

 

I hope it's ok for me to post here, we weren't married, but I feel like I'm going through a dirvorce, I commited to marrying him years ago and I thought he had done the same, I felt we were married and he said he did as well, but we weren't, he left 10 months before our wedding. I do hope no one minds me posting here, that some of you can help me move through this, I'm finding it so hard.

 

Morning all, thanks for all the replies.

 

 

I needed to ask why because I needed to make sense of it. In doing so I have found that I have some serious problems with self esteem. I allowed him to control me because my perception of self worth is so wrapped up in what other people think of me.

 

 

I do not want him anymore.

 

Sounds to me, like the self esteem is coming along nicely!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

I absolutely love this posting Lisa. It shows you are an intelligent woman. Whenever in doubt, re-read this posting. It's taken you awhile to get to this way of thinking, good things come to those who wait, don't ever lose this perspective. This is the kinda stuff and these are the thoughts that will get you through and make you tougher and more confident.

 

I'm so glad you wrote this H&D because I was backsliding tonight, thanks.

[LisaUk]

For those of you following me the last week or so, I have decided to accept the place at University to do Post grad Law. Bit scary, hope it turns out to be the right decision! As for the ex, well right now I think go f*** yourself! I'm going to be a solicitor!

[soheartbroken]

Good job LisaUK!

[lupa]

For those of you following me the last week or so, I have decided to accept the place at University to do Post grad Law. Bit scary, hope it turns out to be the right decision! As for the ex, well right now I think go f*** yourself! I'm going to be a solicitor!

BRAVO!!!!!

 

I'm actually smiling right now, which is great, because I find myself caring about complete strangers around the world.

 

I couldn't be happier for you...use your newfound strength to kick ass in school!

[LisaUk]

Thank you both!

 

Well it's done, I went to uni today, signed the forms, paid the fees etc. So, dearest ex if you change your mind and want me to move back with you, I'm afraid you are SOL!! Too late. (Not that he does anyway or course, but that's besides the point LOL).

 

I'm acually really looking forward to it, term hasn't even started yet and there were so many hot men on campus! Oh yeah baby!

 

I start 3 weeks today!

 

I had a lovely day, my parents came down with me and we went shopping round the city, I felt no pangs of longing for my ex like I would usually do when out and about. We were laughing and joking, having a good time, I almost felt like me again.

 

I am a bit scared, I hope I'm not the only oldie on this course, and the uni, although campus in a way, is kind of spread out over the city, the lady in the admin office says she thinks I am on the central part. I hope so, it's quite intimidating at first, but I am looking forward to it.

[lupa]

Thank you both!

 

Well it's done, I went to uni today, signed the forms, paid the fees etc. So, dearest ex if you change your mind and want me to move back with you, I'm afraid you are SOL!! Too late. (Not that he does anyway or course, but that's besides the point LOL).

 

I'm acually really looking forward to it, term hasn't even started yet and there were so many hot men on campus! Oh yeah baby!

 

I start 3 weeks today!

 

I had a lovely day, my parents came down with me and we went shopping round the city, I felt no pangs of longing for my ex like I would usually do when out and about. We were laughing and joking, having a good time, I almost felt like me again.

 

I am a bit scared, I hope I'm not the only oldie on this course, and the uni, although campus in a way, is kind of spread out over the city, the lady in the admin office says she thinks I am on the central part. I hope so, it's quite intimidating at first, but I am looking forward to it.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, and you just kicked its butt!

 

Good job, good job.

[MrMayI]

For those of you following me the last week or so, I have decided to accept the place at University to do Post grad Law. Bit scary, hope it turns out to be the right decision! As for the ex, well right now I think go f*** yourself! I'm going to be a solicitor!

 

standing ovation!!!!!!

you'll be a solicitor with a nice set of wheels!!

[LisaUk]

Thanks MMI and Lupa.

 

Just a side note, I fully intend to get a fantastic sprots car, drive past the ex's, put the top down and shout "F*** you, b******d" when I qualify. LOL Nice day dream!

[tojaz]

Thank you both!

 

Well it's done, I went to uni today, signed the forms, paid the fees etc. So, dearest ex if you change your mind and want me to move back with you, I'm afraid you are SOL!! Too late. (Not that he does anyway or course, but that's besides the point LOL).

 

I'm acually really looking forward to it, term hasn't even started yet and there were so many hot men on campus! Oh yeah baby!

 

I start 3 weeks today!

 

I had a lovely day, my parents came down with me and we went shopping round the city, I felt no pangs of longing for my ex like I would usually do when out and about. We were laughing and joking, having a good time, I almost felt like me again.

 

I am a bit scared, I hope I'm not the only oldie on this course, and the uni, although campus in a way, is kind of spread out over the city, the lady in the admin office says she thinks I am on the central part. I hope so, it's quite intimidating at first, but I am looking forward to it.

 

Good for you Lisa, it sounds like your starting on a great adventure. I'm sure you'll find some young stud to spend your time with and then you'll be off and running. "LS whats that? I have a party to get too!:D:D So glad to hear your happy!

TOJAZ

[LisaUk]

LOL, oh I think I'll still be around here a while yet! Happy, may be an overstatement right now, but I hope it leads into happiness. It would be nice to feel happy again.

[2.50 a gallon]

Lisa:

 

Driving by and flipping him off will let him know you still care about him

 

How about your driving by with a real man? You notice him, give him a quick wave and drive on. No honking the horn