Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 when i say all hell will break loose i mean in an emotional way, i think she will be shocked and saddened and at first react like any woman would by saying get out of my face and my house. but yes i do think she would want to work through it,she loves me and loves the married life and as of right now has no clue that anything but a fairy tale is going on. i think to be honest and i am sure i will get crucified for this one that i am scared of the fact that i might tell her and then actually stick around to work it out, that will be hell and i am not sure i can do it, when she caught me gambling i did it and it worked out but it was tough. i am very confused and i know there is not one person on here who can help me because i ahve to be the one.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 the other thing with me is that its been over a week since the ow decided we should go our seperate ways to work on our marriages and see if thats what we wanted.i have had solid nc for 2 days now but see what happens with me is that i think, ok i havent done anything and i have been a good boy for a week now, i truly beleive in my head that i can contimue this so why tell my wife anything but i know the reality that after i get over this ow i will probably be back out there and thats when i start thinking what i should do.
Owl Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Well, I've done all I can for you until you do something on your end. Good luck, and I hope that you find the courage you need to do what you need to do.
confusedinkansas Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 (I know you didn't mean all hell would break loose literally) You're kind of your own worst enemy. You don't want to stay married - but out of obligation, you will. You won't tell her - because you think she'll want to work it out & yet you don't want to work it out. But yet you're going to stay & be miserable for the rest of your life. Seems to me you're playing the role of a martyr. OK OWL.......I'm on your side now! This is the most frustrating - just for us to understand...I can't imagine how it plays out in your mind notsure7.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 confused you hit it right on the head..and believe me you dont want to be in this head,its like i know i will never work the courage up because i will truly just stay miserable inside and make it work because of my obligation.
pollswolls Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 Way back - years ago - I used to chat with guys like you online. (Never met one) The majority of the married ones were...... "horribly unhappy (boo hoo) but under NO circumstances were they ever ever ever going to leave their wives" But they were online almost every day looking for the 'hook up' & justified it because there was no sex, she picked on him all the time...yadda yadda yadda & boo hoo - They were- "Trapped in Paradise":rolleyes: (AKA: Miserable marriage) & were 100% positive that if they could just get laid and or have an affair, their life would be PERFECT! Pathetic!
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 23, 2009 Author Posted June 23, 2009 thanks polls, that was extremely helpful..lol..maybe we use it as an outlet to survive a marriage.
Dexter Morgan Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 i didn't know a marriage was something to be survived. I thought it was to be lived. silly me
PhoenixRise Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 everyone makes it sound so easy to just walk into my unsuspecting wife of 11 years, who thinks i walk on water and who lives this amazing life were she is so happy and say oh by the way its all a lie.i know its right but its not easy so at least understand that please Nobody said it would be easy. Most likely, your wife does not think you walk on water, she probaly knows and sees many of your flaws and you are not as good at covering things up as you think--Didn't you say she was asking questions about what is going on with you? Sure not telling your wife is much easier for YOU because you would not want to deal with the fall out nor do you WANT to do the work necessary to recover your marriage. BUT If your married OW showed up and said she was getting a divorce and wanted to be with you THEN you would tell the truth to your wife and divorce her. You are doing your wife no favors by letting her continue to believe in the illusion of this marriage. You know this.
65tr6 Posted June 23, 2009 Posted June 23, 2009 You don't want to stay married - but out of obligation, you will. You won't tell her - because you think she'll want to work it out & yet you don't want to work it out. But yet you're going to stay & be miserable for the rest of your life. disagree ! If and when he tells her and he is very afraid by the way...he will want the marriage at any cost....(most men do in these situations) two options 1) she will kick him out 2) she wants to work it out - probably...they have 3 kids....feel sorry for them though. right now, he thinks he is doing his wife a "favor". I hope his wife is a strong lady..... Trust me, he wants to stay marrried ! Just does not know how.
tami-chan Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 by his own admission, he loves his wife...unless he is lying to himself. It is amazing to see the number of men who are so quick to jump right back into their marriage after an affair. Love their wives and yet want the affairs. Can someone please explain this to me ? Sure he says that he loves his wife...and I am sure he does to some degree. But this is a guy who said he met his wife when he was needy and she was there and they "fell in love" -of course, he cheated on her as soon as he had the chance after they got married and "fell in love" with other women with a passion that consumed him....so you tell me-do you think he is in love with his wife? precisely. I dont think he can do this on his own or for long. And checking into therapy (and he is going to lie to his wife about why he is getting into therapy now or just completely hide it from her ?) only to find out he could be even more "confused" ? It is easier than you (not you you) think. I don't think anybody here thinks he can do it on his own ( I think THAT has also been established ). And he doesn't have to "lie lie"(of course, it is a lie of omission) because he is going to see a therapist for his "addictions". What's easier? to get confused? yes, it happens after all often in counseling you have to confront your demons-fears, inadequacies, weaknesses, truths,lie...BUT, that is part of the process, and the hope/goal is for him to be conquer is demons and live a truthful, meaningful, healthy life. his wife deserves to know the truth ? Oh..that's what you were going for...honestly, 64tr6, you are raising issues that were already discussed or established. Yes, his wife deserves to know the truth...it has been said to him many times over....
joyz Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 11 years produces alot of love and memories no matter if she is right or wrong for me..... i may live a lie inside but on the surface i am a good dad and to an extent a good husband. in a strange way it sounds like living a lie is only way u've known how to live. u are even afraid that if ur W finds out about the A that she might want to work on the M. i think deep down u are scared that she can actually love u for whom u are, bc u wouldn't know how to love her back without the lies. u have ur heart and u have ur mind, but u don't trust either. u've conditioned urself to living a double life, where u feel that ur the one in control: the one deceiving others, and not the one to be deceived....
2sunny Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 the other thing with me is that its been over a week since the ow decided we should go our seperate ways to work on our marriages and see if thats what we wanted.i have had solid nc for 2 days now but see what happens with me is that i think, ok i havent done anything and i have been a good boy for a week now, i truly beleive in my head that i can contimue this so why tell my wife anything but i know the reality that after i get over this ow i will probably be back out there and thats when i start thinking what i should do. these are the two issues that stand out to me... YOU weren't the one to break off the deceit... and are still unwilling to even admit to it. this is the core problem as you can't move forward with a better marriage if you can't be honest and allow her to know that the marriage needs growth - in some way, shape or form. she is literally in the dark. the fact that you didn't initiate the break is suspect - you really didn't intend for it to end anyway... hmmmm.... the admission that you will do it again is the reality of your intentions and the state of your marriage. for the fact that you don't intend to allow your wife the luxury of honesty and what needs to be done to repair the relationship means that you would best serve her interest by leaving her and allowing her the opportunity to find a MAN that will live a daily life based on truths. your actions do NOT show that you love her at all... in fact, it shows that you disrespect and dishonor her every day and still intend to do what you've always done. time to leave and do what you want - that way you save her the pain of your actions and the fake love you constantly display.
bentnotbroken Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 It took awhile to read this thread, but the OP, can't call him a man...that requires courage, integrity and a backbone that he doesn't possess. He has allowed a woman to live a lie because he is a coward. Maybe she will get a man of her own and you can drop off.
pollswolls Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 thanks polls, that was extremely helpful..lol..maybe we use it as an outlet to survive a marriage. Isn't this kind of (in a round-about-way) what you're doing?
confusedinkansas Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 thanks polls, that was extremely helpful..lol..maybe we use it as an outlet to survive a marriage. I....like Dex, didn't realize that "surviving" was what it was all about. I know that marriages "survive" hardships FROM TIME TO TIME. But it's about many years of just being in survival mode-What's the point? I know in my situation, we've "survived" several bumps. I suppose that even during my affair - it was a "distraction to survive the marriage"...at the time! Wasn't permanent by any means. Isn't this kind of (in a round-about-way) what you're doing? This seems to be the case.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 yes you are right i was not the one to break this off,the ow decided that she couldnt figure out her marriage with me in her everyday, so that of course left me alone and i have started to think about my future and maybe finally living a clean life.i am on day 3 of nc and trying hard to move forward. when i say surviving i mean an outlet to get by but your right you shouldnt just be surviving a marriage,i know this but whether i am willing to make a change is the big question, i have heard everything you have all said and i appreciate it. i know many are frusturated with me and i can certainly understand it, but please know that i am not here looking for sympathy or for everyone to waste their valuable time but i am truly trying to get myself to be honest and do the right thing.. its hard when you are in a situation were your W really has no idea about you and thinks that the marriage is great and is so happy,she said to me the other day that she is the luckiest girl alive, if i had a W that was suspecting or confronting me ,maybe this would be easier for me to let her into my world.i know thats not fair but i am being honest. i am a coward,i dont disagree, i almost wish she would confront me.i even thought about writing an email,i know thats really pathetic but at least it would get out of my head.
Owl Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 So what is it you're hoping to read here that will finally make you actually DO what you need to do?
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 in a strange way it sounds like living a lie is only way u've known how to live. u are even afraid that if ur W finds out about the A that she might want to work on the M. i think deep down u are scared that she can actually love u for whom u are, bc u wouldn't know how to love her back without the lies. u have ur heart and u have ur mind, but u don't trust either. u've conditioned urself to living a double life, where u feel that ur the one in control: the one deceiving others, and not the one to be deceived.... joyz- i think you pegged me perfectly in this post..
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 owl- i wish i knew, i mean there really is not much more to hear, i have to decide what i want to do.i guess i wish i could just be good and enjoy my W and 3 kids but it dosent seem to happen and i know its due to alot of issues and i mean alot.
confusedinkansas Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 its hard when you are in a situation were your W really has no idea about you Why does it make your situation hard? Do you assume that everyone else out there that was cheated on KNEW their spouse was out doing what they were doing?
confusedinkansas Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 i am a coward,i dont disagree, i almost wish she would confront me.i even thought about writing an email,i know thats really pathetic but at least it would get out of my head. It sounds here like you want your wife to find out? Is that the case? Would that make things easier for you if she found out in a different way other than you spilling the beans? If that's the case perhaps you could make your affair be not quite so discrete - leave old emails open - mail a letter to your wife - tell a friend so they can tell her.....then you wouldn't have to actually say the words.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 it makes it hard because you are totally shocking someone as opposed to them having an idea.it may sound strange but to be confronted is alot easier,well thats of course unless you lie and deny like most do. i in no way assume that others havent been in the same situation but i also havent run into many who told their W without being confronted or caught first.i havent heard advice from anyone who has just walked in the door and said i cheated,i have heard many suggest i do that but i think you have to agree its easy to say but hard to do. whats happening to me is the guilt is tremendous and your posts have opened my eyes and allowed me to see the other side, not just about me but what i am doing to my W,yes she has no idea but it makes sense that she too is living a lie but of course because i am now not having an A it all subsides and i say maybe i can just stop, but we all know what the reality is, i guess its just being honest thats hard for me here. i know there are many W and H's out there who were in total shock and disbelief when they found out.i would think most are.
Author NOTSURE7 Posted June 24, 2009 Author Posted June 24, 2009 It sounds here like you want your wife to find out? Is that the case? Would that make things easier for you if she found out in a different way other than you spilling the beans? If that's the case perhaps you could make your affair be not quite so discrete - leave old emails open - mail a letter to your wife - tell a friend so they can tell her.....then you wouldn't have to actually say the words. yes confused i think that would be easier for me then walking in the door and saying i cheated, i know its cowardly but im being honest. right now my A is not happening and i have deleted everything but yes i could always do many things to at least get her to ask the question, i dont imagine it would take much. i have thought about all of those options, i even thought about writing an email or letter explaining myself and what i have done from day 1 of our marriage and telling her i will be away for a few days so she can go through the emotions and digest. but then i wake up and she is smiling and happy and talking about the kids or how much she loves me and i say i cant do this, it seems i can cheat and lie and deceive but i cant be honest with her.
2sunny Posted June 24, 2009 Posted June 24, 2009 do individual counseling!!! this will help you figure out how to fix your approach to marriage and why you seem to participate in a committed relationship in this manner. be willing to change by being open minded when you go, that would definitely be the right thing to do if you want to work through the marriage and are unwilling to tell her.
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