wifely duties

[Queen of Hearts]

The whole bit about trying to understand his world of strain was when he was the breadwinner and the woman didn't work.

 

It is amazing to think people didn't/don't realize just how much harder it is to be an at-home-mom than it is to go to work everyday.

 

I was an at-home-mom for almost 5 years. I wanted to raise my daughter so before she was ready for school.

 

It was very difficult to be taking care of someone who is in constant need and want without ever a moment to yourself. Not even to go potty. Though I love her more than my own life, and am very, very thankful I had the time with her, it was WORK. And, just because there was no withholding on the pay, doesn't mean it was not work.

 

I am still open mouthed and shaking my head at that post of a list of things to do.

 

I would never instill such garbage into my daughter and am glad to see there are more women who are not agree with her than are.

[Queen of Hearts]

You can't deny that it's true though.

 

When men come home, they don't want to start scrubbing bathrooms, cooking their own dinner, or bathing the children.

 

Why?

 

Because they are exhausted! That's why.

 

They only get a few hours to unwind after a long day of work, and they just want to relax.

 

Same as women, when they come home from work, they are just too tired and stressed.

 

Everything is going to hell because of this system people have nowadays.

 

Women should work much less and take care of the house and children more.

 

When the men come home, the wives are stressed out from having their kids crying all day long because they too busy scrubbing the toilet to play with/take care of the kids. When he gets home, HE needs to relieve her of her parenting duty so she can finally get a moment's break to herself. He gets the ride to and from work, ALONE. She is with the kid from sunrise to sunset. You obviously don't have children.

[HsMomma]

I have shown my daughter this article so that she will be aware their are still people out there who will presume to know what is the best way for her to fulfill her role as a wife and mother is she so chooses to take on those titles. I tell her that historically nothing that is published in the mainstream press, shows the experience of other ethnicity's or SES's.

 

If that works for you and your mother, all well and good, but your lens are a little skewed because you haven't lived the experiences of other women in this instance.

 

BNB, I agree. I am a white, middle-class, middle-aged woman and can't see things from your eyes, but I am insulted, offended & generally p*ssed off when I see the kind of crap that was in that article. I haven't shown my daughter the article yet, but I'll say this - if someone tried to tell her that that was the way to be a 'good wife,' I'd have to seriously rethink the way I've raised her.

 

It's very obvious to me that either Ariadne isn't married/doesn't have kids or has had such a sheltered life that she can actually believe that women should live like this. Ugghhhhh...it's people like her who put all of us (regardless of race) back 100 years.

[PhoenixRise]

It is amazing to think people didn't/don't realize just how much harder it is to be an at-home-mom than it is to go to work everyday.

 

I was an at-home-mom for almost 5 years. I wanted to raise my daughter so before she was ready for school.

 

It was very difficult to be taking care of someone who is in constant need and want without ever a moment to yourself. Not even to go potty. Though I love her more than my own life, and am very, very thankful I had the time with her, it was WORK. And, just because there was no withholding on the pay, doesn't mean it was not work.

 

I am still open mouthed and shaking my head at that post of a list of things to do.

 

I would never instill such garbage into my daughter and am glad to see there are more women who are not agree with her than are.

 

This is absolute truth. I was a SAHM too. I left a job I was successful at and enjoyed because H and I decided I would stay home with our child til she was ready for school. It is hard work. I love her. I love that I was able to stay home with her but for me.... it is easier to go to a job that pays every day.

 

AND

 

The work/job of a SAHM does not end at 6pm. It is a 24/7 thing.

 

The person who posted that article is not married and probaly has no children.

[Ariadne]

I was an at-home-mom for almost 5 years. I wanted to raise my daughter so before she was ready for school. It was very difficult to be taking care of someone who is in constant need and want without ever a moment to yourself.

 

This is absolute truth. I was a SAHM too. I It is hard work.

 

It's hopeless. Even this they can't do.

[carhill]

Yeah, perhaps times have changed but SAHM's of my mother's generation didn't make the children the center of the family. We were important and loved, but mom and dad were the heart of the family. We were the fruits of that union. The family was more important than the lifestyle and social status and what others thought or said. We did just fine on one income, well-managed by the domestic professional, mom. Tricycle boy, contrary to what the picture might indicate, did not get everything he wanted and spent a lot of time alone. Good education for life

 

That list, while unbalanced on its face, tells only half the story. The other half was the father's unswerving and unselfish committment to his family and all the actions which described that, as well as his love and appreciation for his wife. A healthy M takes two working as a committed team. Well, one can hope....

[PhoenixRise]

You do mean upper middle class & wealthy white women right? Because historically, lower SES's in the white community, 85% of African American communities, Native American communities, Asian communities and Latina communities, the women have always been out of the home working to support their families, because society wouldn't allow their men to work jobs that could support on the families on his own.

 

As a Black woman, all the women in my family worked with their H to support us and give us what we needed. In 1965 both my grandmothers were working as domestics to help put food on the table. Even though one of my grandfather's had 2 college degrees and both grandfather's served honorably in WWII. My grandmothers couldn't be at home to raise their own children because they were too busy raising the white children as nannies, cooks, house maids, wet nurses and mammies,

 

From slavery times, my ancestors weren't at home raising their own children or waiting on their H to get home with a drink in one hand and and roast in the other. The ethnocentric view portrayed by this article, which I have read before and whipped my azz with after reading it, tries to invalidate other life experiences of other people in this country. Don't assume these were the "GOOD OLE DAYS" for all of us.

 

And I would suspect most of the women who were abused by these same H's because they didn't uphold these archaic notions about what a woman is or should be find this article offensive to be trotted out and upheld as a standard of which should be followed. The men who believe in having a woman with a brain stem that functions and no need to be a doormat are probably pretty offended as well. Respect for one's H doesn't have to come at the hands of an article written by some stick up her butt, aging socialite with an antiquated notion of what it takes to be a good wife. And certainly not some over dressed shell of a woman who has no idea what it is to be a woman of a different SES, culture, race or religion.

 

I have shown my daughter this article so that she will be aware their are still people out there who will presume to know what is the best way for her to fulfill her role as a wife and mother is she so chooses to take on those titles. I tell her that historically nothing that is published in the mainstream press, shows the experience of other ethnicity's or SES's.

 

If that works for you and your mother, all well and good, but your lens are a little skewed because you haven't lived the experiences of other women in this instance.

 

 

Girl you betta PREACH

 

This is so true. The scenerio described in that article is a totally white, upper class, Leave It To Beaver, fantasy. The reality is that any woman who tried to live that way would need huge doses of valium to stay sane.

 

In my family every woman worked. They worked out of necessity. To help feed their families and to make sure their children had a better shot at life than they did.

 

My mother gave me the gift of showing me a woman who not only worked out of necessity but also loved working, making her own money, and being good at what she did.

 

That article not only gave an idealized vision of the world that only a certain few could even hope to attain, I don't believe it even reflect the true reality of the upper class caucasian women it was intended to reach.

 

It is insulting really. It assumes that women are so simple that all they need to give their life any sense of purpose is a man who is catered to and a beautiful shell to live in and beautiful children as props.

[PhoenixRise]

It's hopeless. Even this they can't do.

 

 

You have already said that you are not married. Do you have children?

 

If not, perhaps it would be wise for you to refrain from criticizing women who ARE managing households and raising children.

[sally4sara]

It's hopeless. Even this they can't do.

 

Who is they?

 

How many children have you had?

How long have you happily been such a wife as you've described?

 

Hopeless indeed

[dobler33]

ariadne, i just threw up in my mouth. seriously. your ignorant committment to this dogmatic misogynistic swill is the sort of thing i have dedicated my life to erradicating. i'm really, really, really sad for you. and really, really, really nauseus.

[PhoenixRise]

Yeah, perhaps times have changed but SAHM's of my mother's generation didn't make the children the center of the family. We were important and loved, but mom and dad were the heart of the family. We were the fruits of that union. The family was more important than the lifestyle and social status and what others thought or said. We did just fine on one income, well-managed by the domestic professional, mom. Tricycle boy, contrary to what the picture might indicate, did not get everything he wanted and spent a lot of time alone. Good education for life

 

That list, while unbalanced on its face, tells only half the story. The other half was the father's unswerving and unselfish committment to his family and all the actions which described that, as well as his love and appreciation for his wife. A healthy M takes two working as a committed team. Well, one can hope....

 

I think you have made some good points here. I do think the married couple should be the center of the family, not the children. Some families can make it just fine on one income it that is needed or desired.

 

(Edit to add:Today more families can make it on one income but there is still much poverty in this country where for some, 2 incomes will not bring a family above the poverty level)

 

The problem with the article posted is that it IS so one sided. It is all about catering to one party to the detriment of the other.

 

The really offensive thing about it is the context in which it was posted.

OP posted about her husband not meeting her needs. OP is disabled and unable to do the things she use to do. Husband is being demanding and needed and an all around P****. So someone comes along and posts an article telling her she is not being a good enough wife and not catering to her H needs enough.

 

In your parents situation it sounds like BOTH of them did what needed to be done to make the family go and they had a good partnership.

 

Gotta ask though.... did your mom meet your dad at the door with a drink in one hand and a hot meal in the other?

[justxme]

Hi OP and welcome....

 

A few questions...

 

How long have you been married and what is your approximate age?

 

How long have you been substantially disabled as you are today?

 

Did I read correctly that you are a stepmother to four children and that you also purchased the marital home your H lives in? Are the children all adults now?

 

Do you think your H will change? Has his personality and behavior been consistent throughout your M?

 

If you were able to receive the personal help to feel safe and comfortable with your ADL's and circumstances at your new home, would you divorce your husband? Why or why not?

 

Have you and/or H ever had psychological counseling?

 

late 40's, 2 step 2 blood, yes I bought the house, and rented the one before that, than bought the tiny home I live in, all children are adults one still in college, started dis 1 year, though I lived homeless and in trashy place for 5 to stay separate to preserve my health and finish raising youngest, with no help from him, my child worked under the table at night and went to school during the day while I was bedridden, I couldn't afford health care until someone helped me, when I was able to do more he came looking for me for about 6 months, until he found me, than bugged me for a year to give him another chance, than I did and this is the results.

 

 

we tried counseling 2 times, he went some but didn't participate, I think now he might participate, but now I need to go to counseling for myself to figure this all out, I almost don't care if we go to marriage counseling because he should go and just work on himself marriage counseling won't do him any good until he works on himself. same with me.

 

He is better, but I can't count on him, I love him he loves me, we enjoy doing some things together, and I don't know if I need to get a divorce, but I am too sad to live alone, but even sadder to live with him in the area that he lives, he treats me better here where my family and friends are because he knows that they won't put up with him being mean, here I am also near his relatives, who also won't let him treat me as bad, I an also able to get to my doctors and stores here without assistance, because everything is close and it takes less time that I'm out and the altitude or weather helps reduce pain here, I don't know which,

 

I don't want a divorce, I don't think anyone does. everyone says I should get one, he is vindictive and I don't know if I could live through his antics during one, while dealing with the heart ache because I still love him, I used to be strong and independent, but I'm not anymore. sorry for sounding like a whine butt. I'm tired.

[justxme]

You can't deny that it's true though.

 

When men come home, they don't want to start scrubbing bathrooms, cooking their own dinner, or bathing the children.

 

Why?

 

Because they are exhausted! That's why.

 

They only get a few hours to unwind after a long day of work, and they just want to relax.

 

Same as women, when they come home from work, they are just too tired and stressed.

 

Everything is going to hell because of this system people have nowadays.

 

Women should work much less and take care of the house and children more.[/QUOTE]

 

Yes, with the economy being what it is today - that's certainly realistic! You're right in that noboby wants to come home & scrub tubs, etc. after working all day; however, for a husband to 'demand' that of his wife, one is disabled nonetheless, is just incredible (and I DON'T mean in a good way). Ariadne, sounds like you & the OP's husband would be a great match for one another if you really believe the crap you've espoused here.

 

Ohh that might work, because than I wouldn't worry about him soo much and he would be loved, right? Than I can get myself together, because he would be happy and I wouldn't worry about him

[justxme]

OP - this is just my opinion, but I think the issues are getting confused here...

 

There is no such thing as an objective list of "wifely duties". This is something that is worked out between the two partied involved in the relationship - and it is never something that you should feel resentful about. Everyone has different ideas of what their role in a relationship entails and AFAIK, if they are happy, then whatever anyone else thinks means absolutely nothing.

 

You need to have a clear idea of what you are capable of contributing, and what you want from a relationship. If your partner doesn't match up, communicate this to him. If he is uninterested in meething your needs, move on. If he is willing to but doesn't know how, get a good therapist and go together.

 

good and thoughtful advice, ty, I think I will go to counseling alone first all of this drama and the disability has my head messed up, I know that,

[justxme]

You do mean upper middle class & wealthy white women right? Because historically, lower SES's in the white community, 85% of African American communities, Native American communities, Asian communities and Latina communities, the women have always been out of the home working to support their families, because society wouldn't allow their men to work jobs that could support on the families on his own.

 

As a Black woman, all the women in my family worked with their H to support us and give us what we needed. In 1965 both my grandmothers were working as domestics to help put food on the table. Even though one of my grandfather's had 2 college degrees and both grandfather's served honorably in WWII. My grandmothers couldn't be at home to raise their own children because they were too busy raising the white children as nannies, cooks, house maids, wet nurses and mammies,

 

From slavery times, my ancestors weren't at home raising their own children or waiting on their H to get home with a drink in one hand and and roast in the other. The ethnocentric view portrayed by this article, which I have read before and whipped my azz with after reading it, tries to invalidate other life experiences of other people in this country. Don't assume these were the "GOOD OLE DAYS" for all of us.

 

And I would suspect most of the women who were abused by these same H's because they didn't uphold these archaic notions about what a woman is or should be find this article offensive to be trotted out and upheld as a standard of which should be followed. The men who believe in having a woman with a brain stem that functions and no need to be a doormat are probably pretty offended as well. Respect for one's H doesn't have to come at the hands of an article written by some stick up her butt, aging socialite with an antiquated notion of what it takes to be a good wife. And certainly not some over dressed shell of a woman who has no idea what it is to be a woman of a different SES, culture, race or religion.

 

I have shown my daughter this article so that she will be aware their are still people out there who will presume to know what is the best way for her to fulfill her role as a wife and mother is she so chooses to take on those titles. I tell her that historically nothing that is published in the mainstream press, shows the experience of other ethnicity's or SES's.

 

If that works for you and your mother, all well and good, but your lens are a little skewed because you haven't lived the experiences of other women in this instance.

 

Amen!

by the way, it didn't work for very many white women either, wealthy or not, I've seen it all.

[carhill]

Gotta ask though.... did your mom meet your dad at the door with a drink in one hand and a hot meal in the other?

 

Neither of my parents drank alcohol, but she did have the evening newspaper set by his recliner when he got home from the office. Dinner was always on the table by 5:30 and no food was ever served outside of the dining room, except for extraordinary circumstances, like the World Series or the moonwalk. I recall mom getting up early to prepare him coffee and breakfast and make sure his suit was prepped and ready to go for the day.

 

She also cared for him single-handedly for about four years as he died of cancer. Wiped his butt and put lotion on his skin and turned him to prevent bed sores. Never complained out loud once.

 

That's where I learned how spouses should treat each other. It hasn't helped me much in our narcissistic and self-involved society, unfortunately. Oh, well...

 

I surmise you can guess where my first comment came from, regarding the OP's husband, and where I fall on this OP....

[Woggle]

I have an equal marriage and I like it that way but I don't blame men who just want a stepford wife who will cater to them. Most men who feel this way are ones who were married to a nag who treated them like complete garbage and they want the complete opposite of that. Most women can't really handle a truly equal marriage anyway.

[dobler33]

I have an equal marriage and I like it that way but I don't blame men who just want a stepford wife who will cater to them. Most men who feel this way are ones who were married to a nag who treated them like complete garbage and they want the complete opposite of that. Most women can't really handle a truly equal marriage anyway.

 

oh wow. just threw up in my mouth again.

[Woggle]

oh wow. just threw up in my mouth again.

 

It's the truth. When men try to make a marriage work with one of these modern and independent women it usually ends up with his balls in her purse and her losing all respect and attraction for him. Most men actually would like a true equal partner but the average modern woman's version of an equal partner means that he does whatever she says and he sits and takes it when she berates him. Deep down though very few women are actually attracted to this type of emasculation.

[dobler33]

It's the truth. When men try to make a marriage work with one of these modern and independent women it usually ends up with his balls in her purse and her losing all respect and attraction for him. Most men actually would like a true equal partner but the average modern woman's version of an equal partner means that he does whatever she says and he sits and takes it when she berates him. Deep down though very few women are actually attracted to this type of emasculation.

 

that is really, really sad too. you are clearly not meeting a wide range of women. i feel kinda sorry for you and your pursed balls. maybe you should hook up with ariadne - she seems to have the same contempt for the "modern" woman. she can bring you your slippers and a martini and you can make sure she doesn't get hold of your balls. seems a pretty thin existence, frankly.

[Woggle]

that is really, really sad too. you are clearly not meeting a wide range of women. i feel kinda sorry for you and your pursed balls. maybe you should hook up with ariadne - she seems to have the same contempt for the "modern" woman. she can bring you your slippers and a martini and you can make sure she doesn't get hold of your balls. seems a pretty thin existence, frankly.

 

I already have a woman who is one of the rare ones that a man can actually have an equal relationship with. We have a true friendship while most men are whipped like a puppy which is not what I would call a partnership.

[dobler33]

I already have a woman who is one of the rare ones that a man can actually have an equal relationship with. We have a true friendship while most men are whipped like a puppy which is not what I would call a partnership.

 

out of curiosity, just so i can understand where you're coming from, can you please describe what your idea of an equal relationship is?

[Woggle]

out of curiosity, just so i can understand where you're coming from, can you please describe what your idea of an equal relationship is?

 

We both have careers and we split the bills evenly. I don't tell her what to do and she doesn't tell me either. We both stay faithful to each other and we have a marriage based on mutual love, trust and respect. It's great. I don't want a stepford wife because the last thing I need is a woman financially dependent on me but I understand where the men who want one are coming from.

[dobler33]

We both have careers and we split the bills evenly. I don't tell her what to do and she doesn't tell me either. We both stay faithful to each other and we have a marriage based on mutual love, trust and respect. It's great. I don't want a stepford wife because the last thing I need is a woman financially dependent on me but I understand where the men who want one are coming from.

 

which is where? and let me say, i'd love a stepford wife myself. someone to take care of me, provide for all my needs, bring me my slippers, make absolutely no demands on me whatsoever? sh*t yes. too bad it's a disgusting and inhumane exploitation.

[Woggle]

which is where? and let me say, i'd love a stepford wife myself. someone to take care of me, provide for all my needs, bring me my slippers, make absolutely no demands on me whatsoever? sh*t yes. too bad it's a disgusting and inhumane exploitation.

 

After being married to a nag who treats you like garbage it is tempting to want to marry June Cleaver.