Author Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 Yeah, I'm trying to. My mom is hard to reason with. She's extremely pushy. She doesn't really "suggest" things or try to compromise it's more of "no, this is why you shouldn't do that for your wedding, you should do it this way." Then she says that it's up to my fiance and I about what we want to do. I'm going to try to compromise with her though, but it's going to be a huge challenge. What kinds of things does she "suggest" a certain way? I'm honestly just curious. Other than things that are etiquette related, I honestly don't understand why parents put their two cents in at all. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 You'd be surprised. My MIL has no daughters, and has some very definite ideas about what one MUST do at a wedding (and when one has a baby). I think there was a small amount of disagreement on the photo list, and on what we were supposed to wear. I can't quite remember what all the wedding suggestions were, but there were a few. The latest baby one is I have to drink Guinness beer when breastfeeding. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 Oh and there was some disagreement about who sat where, who got to sit with the bride and groom (we just had our bridal party, but some people sit with their parents) the order of service, readings, buttonholes for the men, etc. Alot of it was down to my MIL wanting to compete with my step-MIL. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 3, 2009 Author Share Posted June 3, 2009 Interesting, SB. BF's mother has no daughters, so I think she's very eager to do "motherly" things to welcome her first daughter into the family. It's my understanding she's been VERY involved thus far, much to the chagrin of BF's brother (the groom). But so far she's been focused only on the guest list, location, and timing of the event. But then again, that's as far as the planning has gotten so far. Personally, I find her interest and involvement endearing... but I suppose that's because I'm not personally involved! Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 3, 2009 Share Posted June 3, 2009 I was the same really with my MIL at the beginning- it was nice. It was only towards the end when she was insisting on having her hair done by our hairdresser and making me organise a whole lot of stuff for her that it got a little trying! And now the baby is coming, she is the one with the most vocal opinions..... Smile and nod SB, smile and nod. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Haha, thanks guys. Yeah my fiance and I have rehearsed responses to her annoying controlling. He suggested I say: "Hmm, thanks for the suggestion, I will talk with my fiance and we will consider it." We practiced it a few times, unfortunately when she gets annoying I usually forget the response. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 "Hmm, thanks for the suggestion, I will talk with my fiance and we will consider it." We practiced it a few times, unfortunately when she gets annoying I usually forget the response. LB- that response is PERFECT, please don't forget it! Its just the ticket to keeping your mom sweet, yet giving you an opportunity to look into things for yourself. If she knows you are not going to make any decisions without consulting with your fiance (which is fair enough, its his wedding too) she may even back off a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Other than things that are etiquette related, I honestly don't understand why parents put their two cents in at all. I think it is unreasonable to expect the parents to foot the bill for what can end up being an extremely expensive event and then also expecting them to have little say in how that event will be conducted. Couples who want to plan their own event should also pay for it. It was one thing for parents to pay for the wedding back when women did not work and the man might have been just starting out, but today's couples are older and usually have careers of their own. If the bride and groom want a $10,000 reception, perhaps they should pay for it. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 This is why cynics like me are so jaded about weddings and actually hate them. It's less about celebrating the couple's new life together, and ends up being so much more about the bride wanting the "perfect" party to show off her "perfect" dress and getting all the "perfect" stuff she wants for her "perfect" house. It's not to say she doesn't love her fiancee and isn't invested in being married, but the "getting married" part does turn some women into bridezillas. And that's why I posted in LB's thread that forcing people to give up their long holiday weekend for a wedding is very annoying and people hate it. While we might be happy for the couple, weddings aren't the joyous and wonderful occasion they could be when it's ALL about what bridezilla wants and everyone else has to toe her line. But, I had to buy bridal shower gifts today and was faced with someone who registered at three different places and each registry was over 5 pages long. Instead of choosing a gift to wish them well, all I could think was greedy, greedy, greedy. So, I'm posting from a place of high irritation with brides at the moment. You took the words right out of my mouth! I've never gotten the whole hoopla over weddings. Never fantasized about them growing up either like most little girls do. It's so meaningless and materialistic in the end. The ceremony is trivial compared to the marriage itself. Imagine the let down these brides must experience once their big party is over. When I do marry I can't imagine anything more than a very simple ceremony with minimal planning involved. Anything more and it would feel untrue. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Ahh, wait and see SP. I was exactly the same as you- wanted to elope in fact. Would rather have had the money our wedding cost to put on our mortgage. But it was worth every single cent to see the look on my dads face (and he was paying for it) when he walked me up the aisle, and the look on my Hs face when he saw me. It was on helluva party, and the last happy family gathering our family had, as my dad died three months later. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Hehe, I like theknot.com better. Believe me, when you get engaged you'll feel the "rush" to plan the wedding if you have been dreaming about it since you were 10. It's part of the excitement I think. And you almost have to if you want a certain date, reception sites book up so fast!!!! You've been seriously dreaming about it since you were ten? That's something I just can't wrap my head around. Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Each to their own though, right? LB's dream is coming true and we are all very happy for her. Link to post Share on other sites
shadowplay Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Each to their own though, right? LB's dream is coming true and we are all very happy for her. I just worry that once the ceremony is over she'll feel somewhat empty if she's taking it this seriously. Sort of like how some women experience postpartum because they get so into the pregnancy. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Each to their own though, right? LB's dream is coming true and we are all very happy for her. Thanks!!! I just worry that once the ceremony is over she'll feel somewhat empty if she's taking it this seriously. Sort of like how some women experience postpartum because they get so into the pregnancy. No way!!! I am excited for after the ceremony to spend the rest of my life with him. Like I said before, the wedding is just an added bonus to the package. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 But SP, does that mean women shouldn't be so "into" their pregnancy? I know I sure was. And by the way, I didn't experience postpartum depression either. I think that has more to do with hormones than how excited and into the pregnancy you are. With that said though, to each his/her own is right. I've never been into the whole wedding thing. Both my weddings were extremely small and intimate affairs. I have this dumb theory that the bigger and more elaborate the wedding, the higher the failure rate of the marriage. Anywho, I'm with the people who say that whoever pays gets to call the shots and have final say..if it's not acceptable then pay for your own wedding. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 If the bride and groom want a $10,000 reception, perhaps they should pay for it. That's a dirt cheap wedding! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 I just worry that once the ceremony is over she'll feel somewhat empty if she's taking it this seriously. Sort of like how some women experience postpartum because they get so into the pregnancy. I totally understand what you're getting at. As a bride, the attention is all on you, for months and months leading up to the big day - the "biggest day of their life" that they've been dreaming of since they were 10. Parties, showers, presents, presents, more presents, people fussing over you, making sure you're happy as a clam, you getting what you want pretty much every which way. Then BAM! The wedding day comes and goes, and now you're just a wife, and you're without the constant attention. I've heard many brides feel let down as a result, like it's anti-climactic. But then, they get preggo, and the whole hoola of attention starts all over again. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 That's a dirt cheap wedding! Hell yeah it is!!! Where is this $10,000 reception you are talking about??? Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Hell yeah it is!!! Where is this $10,000 reception you are talking about??? Well, if you only have 50 people there, you can allocate $100 per person for food and beverages, and that leaves you $5000 for a dj, some flowers, and whatever. Must it be more than that? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Well, if you only have 50 people there, you can allocate $100 per person for food and beverages, and that leaves you $5000 for a dj, some flowers, and whatever. Must it be more than that? Yeah, a bigger wedding costs more unfortunately. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Star Gazer Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 Well, if you only have 50 people there, you can allocate $100 per person for food and beverages, and that leaves you $5000 for a dj, some flowers, and whatever. Must it be more than that? What about the facility fee? In NorCal, they range anywhere from $2,500 to $10,000 just for the venue, and depending on whether you have the wedding and reception in two different places, that gets mighty pricey. Also, factor in the cost of the dress and tux rentals, transportation, and a good photographer (a good one ranges $3-5K, depending on how many hours/pictures you get). Weddings aren't cheap! Link to post Share on other sites
sb129 Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Ahh, wait and see SP. I was exactly the same as you- wanted to elope in fact. Would rather have had the money our wedding cost to put on our mortgage. But it was worth every single cent to see the look on my dads face (and he was paying for it) when he walked me up the aisle, and the look on my Hs face when he saw me. It was on helluva party, and the last happy family gathering our family had, as my dad died three months later. Just wanted to reiterate this part, as it seemed to get lost... Sometimes, just sometimes, its about more than the money. Its not just about selfish bridezillas being divas. My dad WANTED to give me a big amazing wedding, for a number of reasons- and in the end it turned out to be the last thing he did for me. He wanted to be there to walk me down the aisle, and celebrate with all our family and friends. The last decent photos we have of him are from our wedding. My wedding was eclipsed by his illness, and my subsequent pregnancy was eclipsed in its early stages by his death. Not that I am complaining, (I got pregnant as soon as I could to try and give HIM something to live for) but it was- its only really now that we are starting to feel truly excited about the baby because so many other things have happened. In fact, I am welcoming a less hectic pace of life for now. So despite my initial negative feelings about weddings, I am very very glad we did ours the way we did, because the positive effects of it were felt by more people than just us, the bride and groom. Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I have this dumb theory that the bigger and more elaborate the wedding, the higher the failure rate of the marriage. LOL - I have this same theory. Maybe we should do a research study. Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 LOL - I have this same theory. Maybe we should do a research study. I know! It's kind of stupid I know but it applies to just about everyone i know who has had a big, elaborate affair. I've always known that was never going to be the case for me. And like I said, both times were small events. I just don't get the whole big wedding thing anyway...inviting people you don't know or hardly even see..makes no sense to me. Weddings can be tasteful AND inexpensive. I wouldn't have changed a thing about ours. Oh and...we celebrate our 14th anniversary in 2 weeks. Link to post Share on other sites
Chocolat Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 Weddings can be tasteful AND inexpensive. I wouldn't have changed a thing about ours. Oh and...we celebrate our 14th anniversary in 2 weeks. Congratulations! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts