Is Your Relationship Viable For the Long-Term or Will it be Short-Lived?

[shadowplay]

I actually think this thread should be limited to TOUCHE's questions and opinions. It is, after all, a thread about HER opinions - not yours.

 

I like how you end the zinger with a smiley face. Thanks, but I'll weigh in if I want to. I already asked her if it was okay and she gave me the go ahead. If someone doesn't like my opinion, they can simply ignore it.

[shadowplay]

This NOT YOUR THREAD.

 

Let's leave it to TOUCHE, okay???

 

Nope. You're the only person who seems to have a problem with me responding.

 

If you're trying to start a bitch-fest with me, I won't bite.

 

I will continue to respond whether you like it or not.

[shadowplay]

Ok, wait how do I actually play?

Age, I'm going to be 26 in about 2 months he just turned 29 We've been together over 2 and a half years.

 

The cultural thing. This was felt when his distant, very traditional family was to find out about me, I know my SO's mom was afraid to break the news to the extended family. When she did the news was met with joy, there were a couple of questions;is she educated, are her parents together, what sort of family does she come from, but those were quickly satisfied. While my family is Polish, and Catholic this has not been an issue with them. My cousins, aunt and grandmother have met my SO while visiting the US and they love him. My parents are very close with him and I am very close with his parents. Our parents have met and had a great time. Thankfully I love Indian food because that would pose issues

 

Sounds viable, though I'm curious to know more about his relationship history. I don't think the age thing is that much of an issue.

[Touche]

Touche, interesting thread. And I think you are giving some valuable insights.

 

Thanks so much James.

 

Many times it is actually quite easy for outsiders who have no subjective connections to a relationship, to give realistic "guesses" as to how viable the relationship actually is.

 

Yep. Wished I would have listened before marrying my first H.

 

 

 

So true.

 

 

 

Oh so true. If they did, then there would be so many less divorces.

 

 

 

 

Agreed. And if it causes some to stand back and fix the red flags BEFORE marrying, then it is also very valuable.

 

That's what I'm hoping for.

 

I only disagree with one of your criteria and that is that if you are in your twenties and seriously dating, then this is a red flag because you cannot know who you will be attracted to in your thirties...or that is how I interpreted it.

 

I know that most first time and long term (over fifteen years) marriages I see around me are of couples who married in their twenties. In fact, more than 90% I would guess.

 

Ok, but are they HAPPY? That's part of my criteria before getting the VIABLE stamp of approval. Also I did say there are exceptions as in Allina's case.

 

I don't think this is a red flag by itself. However, I can see your point if one or both of the partners have not settled on a "path in life." Then until they have found themselves, I think they cannot find another.

 

Exactly.

 

I also hope that those who have received your approval do not then sit back and say that their relationship will be viable because you are basing your opinion on your experiences and even more importantly on what information has been given to you. If the info is "polished" and negative info forgotten, then reality may not be as it appears.

 

Well that's not on me, James. That's on them for not giving me a clear and realistic picture wouldn't you agree? I'm just a guide. I'm not the last word that's for sure.

 

Other than that, a thread like this is so good in that it gives someone a wake up call to examine the relationship and do so without being blinded by "love."

 

Thank you. That's exactly why I started it.

 

I don't know what you mean by REAL conflict.

 

Something other than the ski thing..something important.

 

We don't agree on everything under the sun, but we don't fight. We just don't. If I don't like something, or he doesn't, we address it and resolve it. It never turns into a fight or argument.

 

Ok, well then that says it all. Another VIABLE here!

 

Now that would be something to see!

 

I suck at chopping photos with photoshop. This is about as far as I can go, with text, since it's preformed letters within a text box. I can't insert or delete people/place or things into another picture.

 

There are other graphic software packages I use to resize, draw, etc, like with my other avvy, creating the wedding version of the bathroom figures couple.

 

Well that's more than I can do! I'm impressed. I got a real laugh over that too.

 

Bathroom figures couple!!!

 

I actually think this thread should be limited to TOUCHE's questions and opinions. It is, after all, a thread about HER opinions - not yours.

 

No, SG. It's up to the original poster to "set the rules" for their own thread and I've already addressed that in my first post. I have no issue with other people posting their questions/opinions. Look how SP came up with some that I didn't.

 

This is about benefiting others..not about me. Others' input can only help as I see it. I don't know it all.

 

Please read my first post again and allow me to decide how my own thread should go.

 

Again, anyone can weigh in. And anyone can disagree with me or anyone else.

[SophieA]

Don't forget me Touche! LOL I think my last post might have gotten lost in the shuffle.

[Star Gazer]

Nope. You're the only person who seems to have a problem with me responding.

 

If you're trying to start a bitch-fest with me, I won't bite.

 

I will continue to respond whether you like it or not.

 

Why would I waste my time and try to start a bitch-fest with you? Your opinions carry little weight with me.

 

I just think that everyone should pay close attention to the relationship history of the person giving advice. Given what we know about you, particularly compared to Touche, you're not qualified to decide what constitutes a viable relationship.

 

Zing zing!

[shadowplay]

Both divorced parents, both of our moms remarried. We talk about money, we both have the desire to be saving up. We talk about what it would be like to live together, how it would work. We both want kids eventually. Honestly, we talk about everything under the sun. We have the same views on the major things. We talk about how our parents are both divorced and that neither of us want to have to go the same route.

 

Not enough information given how early you are into the relationship and his age. It will probably be clearer in a few months, but you're still just getting to know each other. Definitely has potential, but could swing either way.

[Star Gazer]

No, SG. It's up to the original poster to "set the rules" for their own thread and I've already addressed that in my first post. I have no issue with other people posting their questions/opinions. Look how SP came up with some that I didn't.

 

This is about benefiting others..not about me. Others' input can only help as I see it. I don't know it all.

 

Please read my first post again and allow me to decide how my own thread should go.

 

Again, anyone can weigh in. And anyone can disagree with me or anyone else.

 

Fair enough. If it's okay by you in your thread, it's okay by me.

 

But I still maintain that one should be have a good grasp of what constitutes a "viable" or "not viable" relationship before making any judgment. Given your history and experience, you're qualified enough to weigh in. She, on the otherhand, I don't believe is.

 

But I suppose that goes to the weight of the opinion, not her ability to post it.

[Star Gazer]

I'm plenty nice. I just won't listen to her.

 

(Not Touche, just to be clear.)

[Star Gazer]

I've told him that I'm looking for something serious. Idealistically I'd like to be married by the time I'm 30 (if I'm with the right guy). That didn't freak him out. He's told me he wants to be married and have a family in the future. We talk about where we want to be in life. We're pretty open about it all.

 

I'm still concerned about you trying to force relationships, Dreamer.

 

Telling a guy you just started dating that you want to be married in less than 3 years concerns me.

[shadowplay]

Fair enough. If it's okay by you in your thread, it's okay by me.

 

But I still maintain that one should be have a good grasp of what constitutes a "viable" or "not viable" relationship before making any judgment. Given your history and experience, you're qualified enough to weigh in. She, on the otherhand, I don't believe is.

 

But I suppose that goes to the weight of the opinion, not her ability to post it.

 

What is your problem?

 

People can judge for themselves who is and who isn't "qualified." This is supposed to be a fun thread, and you're turning it nasty.

 

If your demeanor on LS translates at all into real life I have a hard time imagining any relationship you enter into being viable. Maybe that's why you're insecure.

[Touche]

Yes we have talked about seeing eachother. He actually asked me to move with him but I can't do that at this time. He leaves end of April 09. I will be visiting him in Aug 09. for 2 weeks and then he will be back in Dec. 09 for about 3 weeks. Then we're going to visit his brother in Florida for about 2 weeks in March 2010.

 

Yes we talked about dating others. I actually brought it up even though I knew my answer already... asked him if it's something we should try. And we both decided we do NOT want to date others.

 

Your thoughts?

 

Sorry, Sophie but how old are you both again? Regardless of your ages though my sense is that this is NOT VIABLE.

 

Okay, I'll bite.

 

My sweety and I are 60 and 49 (almost 50) respectively. We work less than a block away from each other and commute four times a week. We both play music and sing, so we have that in common, and we have the same gnarly sense of humor. We have SO much fun when we're out together!

 

He is a good hearted guy who is always willing to help someone in need, and he has a good mix of a sense of responsibility and playfulness. When we are working on the house together remodeling, he is very patient when he is teaching me new skills. He likes a neat house and contributes to that, and he helps immensely with my son and addresses him with respect.

 

We have discussed cheating and cheaters, and that would not be tolerated, but he lets me have my space to go out with the girls, and I never feel like he doesn't trust me - ever. Oh, and he's a very generous and skillful lover!

 

What else do you need to know?

 

How long have you two been together? I can't remember.

 

Are you on the same page about marriage and money?

 

Oh and thank you SG. Just read your response to me. Of course. It's up to the poster taking the advice/assessment to evaluate the credibility of that opinion as it always is here on LS. It's no different here.

 

As for a definition...VIABLE as in long-term happiness. It can be marriage or not.

[SophieA]

I am 24 and he's 26.

 

So you think the LD thing is just gonna do us in huh?

[Trialbyfire]

Ladies, can we settle on a compromise? Shadow, don't comment on SG's relationship. What do you both think about that?

 

As long as people commenting, aren't using this thread as a way to "expose" or "denigrate" people, I think it's a very useful thread.

 

Also, anyone asking for advice within this thread, who solely believes in outside opinions, needs to re-evaluate their own sense of self, be it with a viable or non-viable stamp.

 

By the same token, the relationships with viable or non-viable stamps, whether solely focused on the positive or negative, can still help other people, in that there can be similarities in relationships and that if a relationship is solely positive or solely negative, they are viable or non-viable.

[bean1]

Sure, sounds fun.

 

I'm 25 and he's 31. Neither of us have been married. He has one long-term previous live-in relationship (my only previous long-term relationship was in high school so I don't count it really). He has had a few other long-terms. We met in January 2008 and have lived together since April 2008. No kids. We have a dog together. He has a good full-time career. I work part-time and will graduate university in a couple months. We are very compatible. We have no concerns (I originally came to LS based on questions about a friendship, not relationship). We speak frequently about children and marriage but don't plan on it until at least a year or two from now. Neither of us are religious and in Quebec, marriage is not very popular anymore so although we are interested in marriage, it is not a priority at this time (this is a cultural thing). His parents are long divorced (20 years ago) but I get along with both of them. My parents have been married 30 years. He expects me to stay home with the children and if I choose, work part-time. I would prefer that as well.

[shadowplay]

Ladies, can we settle on a compromise? Shadow, don't comment on SG's relationship. What do you both think about that?

 

Don't worry, I have no interest in her relationship.

[Trialbyfire]

Don't worry, I have no interest in her relationship.

Plse de-escalate shadow.

[shadowplay]

Plse de-escalate shadow.

 

That wasn't meant as a zinger. I wasn't planning on commenting on her relationship anyway.

[Star Gazer]

Also, anyone asking for advice within this thread, who solely believes in outside opinions, needs to re-evaluate their own sense of self, be it with a viable or non-viable stamp.

 

I totally agree, and I think James mentioned this as well. But it's still fun to get the "VERY VIABLE" stamp, isn't it?

[Trialbyfire]

That wasn't meant as a zinger. I wasn't planning on commenting on her relationship anyway.

Okay, that's reasonable.

 

You can comment on mine but there are certain specific details I won't get into, due to TMI. You already know this so it's not that big a concern for me.

[Trialbyfire]

I totally agree, and I think James mentioned this as well. But it's still fun to get the "VERY VIABLE" stamp, isn't it?

Haha...that's what this thread is about...having fun while helping others!

 

Good thread Touche!

[Touche]

I am 24 and he's 26.

 

So you think the LD thing is just gonna do us in huh?

 

Yes, I'm very sorry but I do think that, Sophie. You'll be the exception if it doesn't. I hate saying that.

 

Ok, now to catch up on the rest of the drama. I hate what this thread is turning into.

[Isolde]

Touche, I know several relationships that lasted despite periods of being a LDR. (My parents among them--they almost didn't make it... but then, they did, married for 30 years now).

 

Just sayin'.

[SophieA]

It's okay I wanted to play your game.

 

I'm very inspired by a friend of mine who was LD with her boyfriend (now husband) for 5 out of the 8 years they've been together...so I'm just gonna give myself the viable stamp. LOL

[shadowplay]

I like this thread so I'll play. I think this thread can help people.

 

This check list of yours Touche, came from another thread.

 

We both come from families where our parents are still happily married, close to or greater than, 4 decades together.

We're both mid-thirties and previously married. Both of us are relationship-style people who don't believe in ONSs or prostitutes.

He's a negotiator and de-escalator. If I throw out an olive branch, he picks up on it STAT, instead of going for the throat. Our conflicts end in win/win, which makes both of us happy, not that there's been many of them.

Both fiscally responsible with no debt. We both want children, where he doesn't care how many and I max. out at 2. He's an atheist and I'm agnostic, although we were both raised with religion. Our children will be raised without religion, except for family exposure to such. We're both big on fidelity and a reasonable level of flirting, real-life or cyber. The flirting doesn't exceed the line of emotional or sexual, just light-hearted stuff and not too much of it with any one person.

We'll be living at his house, since mine is just a two bedroom condo which would be fine for a couple but no room for family expansion. We're both spenders and savers, below our means. We both invest, although I self-direct and he uses a money manager. He's hinted that I should take care of his portfolios but I've pushed him back. Truth be told, I don't agree with the way his investments have been weighted because it doesn't take advantage of...anything, in that it's almost deathly conservative. While I'm a conservative-style investor, you should allocate a portion towards venture, but get in and out fast, or you're going to be the bear. As for long-term goals, we're both careerists, so will work until we don't feel like it or necessity dictates we don't.

 

Refer to above.

We've both met each other's parents and have mutual like and respect. His mother and I have gotten closer. She's one smart and capable lady.

The families will be getting together this weekend, now that my Dad is feeling better.

Totally and no. It's very equal. We both give, take and compromise.

 

We can both be optimistic and pessimistic. He's more romantic, which brings that side out in me and I'm more pragmatic, which brings out that side in him. Complementary personalities.

Yes, we have friends with similar characteristics, and yes, as long as it doesn't exceed relationship boundaries of sexual or romantic interest. Neither believe in prowling while in an exclusive relationship.

Totally!

He treats everyone with respect and consideration. He speaks realistically about his ex, both in terms of positives and negatives. One of the things I love about him is that he's neither bitter or cynical. His evaluation of his ex has been confirmed by the SOs of his close friends.

Neither have children so this isn't applicable.

 

I'd say your relationship is viable for a few reasons. 1) You're so enthusiastic about him and based on what you've written elsewhere you're rarely this into a guy. Since traditionally you've been the relationship ender, you being all in is essential. Once you invest, you invest fully. 2) He's obviously into you and seems like a sweet guy who doesn't suffer from your ex's selfishness. He apparently has that rare combination of confidence/strength and kindness/warmth. 3) You both want this to work so much. 4) You're both independent people who have their sh!5t together, which means there's a lot of mutual respect.