Is Your Relationship Viable For the Long-Term or Will it be Short-Lived?

[dreamergrl]

Ok, here we have the age thing again. I mean you yourself even called him a "boy" dreamer. He does sound like a stand-up guy though.

 

My concern is that you're older than he is. Four years is nothing but at your ages it can be.

 

Here are my questions for you now before I weigh in:

 

Have you discussed where you see yourselves in 5 years when you're 32 and he's 28?

 

Have you had your first fight yet? If so, describe how it was resolved.

 

We've talked about the age thing, it doesn't bother me because he acts older then what he is. He doesn't have a problem with me being older. I've told him that I'm looking for something serious. Idealistically I'd like to be married by the time I'm 30 (if I'm with the right guy). That didn't freak him out. He's told me he wants to be married and have a family in the future. We talk about where we want to be in life. We're pretty open about it all.

 

We haven't had a fight yet. We've had discussions, if something was bothering one of us, but it never turned into a fight. We communicate well, so it doesn't go further then a discussion.

[Touche]

Allright, I want to know so I'll bait:

 

Here's the background:

ME: 32 y/o, educated (doctorate, just started permanent academic job), okay though not great money, 15k debt total, a dog, 1 long term relationship in the past + several of hookups. Stereotypical 'tough guy' conduct in life, coping with it better than most. Pretty good looking, very comfortable in own's skin. Prefers less talking. Views relationships as a choice and commitment (rather than luck), paranoid that most today's women don't. Wants to get married. Prefer traditionally oriented woman, but at the same time it is very important to me that she has some sort of own job and income, doesn't need to be anything spectacular. I just want to avoid being completely screwed in a divorce court.

 

HER: 30 y/o, not very educated/kinda silly (which is endearing), about to start a 2 year graduate program in a health profession (i.e. won't have a career until 2 years later, see above). Have no idea about her finances, but probably has some savings and no debt due to living at home. Comes from a traditional asian family, though been living in the US for 20 years, and pretty traditional herself. No long term relationships before me, 1 boyfriend of couple of months + 1 hookup. Kind, thoughtful, introspective, but also somewhat sarcastic and calculating. Pretty good looking, does not seem to be very confident (at least not yet), some self-esteem issues. Has never lived independently (lives with parents, managed family business before deciding to move into healthcare).

 

Been dating for 5 months. No I love yous yet. Pretty casual so far. I like her a lot but do not trust myself to recognize credible red flags, so it will probably fizzle, though I'd totally marry her if I manage to convince myself that there are none. I can tell she likes me a lot, but that doesn't mean much because she doesn't have much to compare to. Cultural differences can be more benefitial than detrimental to the relationship imo.

 

So, what's the verdict? My verdict is "TOO CLOSE TO CALL", but I may be overly optimistic, as usual.

 

Hmmm, interesting. Well, may I voice my concerns first and maybe you can shed more light here. I have some red flags where she's concerned..not so much with you.

 

I agree with you about the cultural differences. It's one of those things where there is no black and white. It's either great and contributes to the viability and interest or it ends up being the cause or big contributor of a breakup.

 

Here are my red flags and questions before I weigh in:

 

30 and never in a long term relationship

30 and never on her own (is this just because of her culture? Or is it for other reasons?)

 

How often do you get together? It seems like you don't know as much about each other as you should after 5 months. That kind of stood out.

 

I'm on the fence here until I know a bit more...but I'm leaning towards NOT VIABLE at the moment.

 

Oh and to answer your question..yes, if you're dating exclusively you're in a relationship. It's just that another poster above, asking me to weigh in, is not really in a relationship per his own posts elsewhere. He's having sex with her but she's dating others and doesn't seem too interested. So he doesn't meet the criteria of being in a relationship in my book. You are.

[Art_Critic]

Is Your Relationship Viable For the Long-Term or Will it be Short-Lived?

This is easy peasy..

 

My relationship with you Touche will be short-lived

 

Touche.. the heart can be fickle and unknowing.. so predicting the viability of a relationship is almost impossible unless there are already red flags a waving

[Touche]

We've talked about the age thing, it doesn't bother me because he acts older then what he is. He doesn't have a problem with me being older. I've told him that I'm looking for something serious. Idealistically I'd like to be married by the time I'm 30 (if I'm with the right guy). That didn't freak him out. He's told me he wants to be married and have a family in the future. We talk about where we want to be in life. We're pretty open about it all.

 

We haven't had a fight yet. We've had discussions, if something was bothering one of us, but it never turned into a fight. We communicate well, so it doesn't go further then a discussion.

 

Sounds good but Im not sure if I have enough info to weigh in. Are you on the same page about kids and money? Have you even had those discussions yet?

 

When you're 30 and want to be married he'll only be 26. MOST guys that age are far from ready for marriage. So this really does concern me.

 

I'd say NOT VIABLE unless you're on the same page with some of the things I brought up above AND you've been through some transitions and life changing events like Allina and her guy. Otherwise, the combination of your ages and the fact that you've only known each other a short time, concerns me and I wouldn't definitively be able to say VIABLE here.

 

So give me a little more info and maybe I can call it. Right now, not enough info.

 

Oh also please tell me if you both come divorced parents or are they still together?

[Sam Spade]

Hmmm, interesting. Well, may I voice my concerns first and maybe you can shed more light here. I have some red flags where she's concerned..not so much with you.

 

I agree with you about the cultural differences. It's one of those things where there is no black and white. It's either great and contributes to the viability and interest or it ends up being the cause or big contributor of a breakup.

 

Here are my red flags and questions before I weigh in:

 

30 and never in a long term relationship

30 and never on her own (is this just because of her culture? Or is it for other reasons?)

 

How often do you get together? It seems like you don't know as much about each other as you should after 5 months. That kind of stood out.

 

I'm on the fence here until I know a bit more...but I'm leaning towards NOT VIABLE at the moment.

 

 

 

Thanks. here's the other info if you care to continue.

 

I've thought about the red flags, here are my rationalizatoins:

Not living on her own: yes, tradition definitely a part of that - girls in her culture are generally living at parent's home before they get married, but that's not set in stone etc.). Though of course it is still weird in the US. context... Also, her parents have a bunch of businesses, so her only job ever has been managing one of them (i.e. another reason to live with family). Finally, the family seems kind of rich, or at least doing okay - the point being that they had a huge house, so living under one roof hasn't been a logistical nightmare. So, it may be a wishful thinking, but all of the above considered, it may be okay...

 

Not having a serious relationship before that: acne, weight and self esteem issues through high school and college (though pretty *hot* right now.) Also, the living with parents part. Was a virgin till the age of 24 until she finally decided to take back the night and jump the bones of an old crush. So it's kinda endearing and basically this gives her only 4-5 years before me for a relationship before me . the one with her ex boyfriend seems to has been of convenience. Maybe she views men as replaceable, which is not such a horrible thing, if within the bounds of healthy common sense (that's what I meant with the previous comment about her being calculating).

 

We see each other twice a week. The information gathering process is slow, particularly because there are not many facts to work with, but merely questions and opinions..

[Touche]

This is easy peasy..

 

My relationship with you Touche will be short-lived

 

Touche.. the heart can be fickle and unknowing.. so predicting the viability of a relationship is almost impossible unless there are already red flags a waving

 

Very funny, clown!

 

I don't agree with you on the rest. It's not almost impossible. There are almost ALWAYS red flags a waving...when there's not, then I call it VIABLE.

 

I already called Allina's VIABLE after the yellow flags were turned into green ones.

 

And if I see that someone's heart really is "fickle and unknowing" that's a red flag. NOT VIABLE. So that in itself is a red flag. You should know this. Were you fickle and unknowing when you married your wife? I think not.

 

So there you go. This isn't rocket science really. The problem is that most people won't listen and will go ahead and do what they're going to do anyway. I know I never listened to reason from others in the past. Or they remain blind and ignorant to the obstacles that will prevent them from having a good long-term relationship/marriage.

 

At the very least maybe this thread will make people really analyze their relationships and get clear on some things that haven't been discussed between the two people.

 

If it saves even ONE person from making a mistake then it's worth it.

 

So you can de-validate (if that's a word) my thread if you want and tell me that this is an impossible exercise. But I don't agree.

[dreamergrl]

Sounds good but Im not sure if I have enough info to weigh in. Are you on the same page about kids and money? Have you even had those discussions yet?

 

When you're 30 and want to be married he'll only be 26. MOST guys that age are far from ready for marriage. So this really does concern me.

 

I'd say NOT VIABLE unless you're on the same page with some of the things I brought up above AND you've been through some transitions and life changing events like Allina and her guy. Otherwise, the combination of your ages and the fact that you've only known each other a short time, concerns me and I wouldn't definitively be able to say VIABLE here.

 

So give me a little more info and maybe I can call it. Right now, not enough info.

 

Oh also please tell me if you both come divorced parents or are they still together?

 

Both divorced parents, both of our moms remarried. We talk about money, we both have the desire to be saving up. We talk about what it would be like to live together, how it would work. We both want kids eventually. Honestly, we talk about everything under the sun. We have the same views on the major things. We talk about how our parents are both divorced and that neither of us want to have to go the same route.

[Star Gazer]

Okay... let's see what you have to say. My mind's already made up though.

 

Him: 31, college educated, successful professional, tempered with an outdoorsy side. Wants marriage and a children. He very recently bought a new big house that's too big for him, knowing that he what he wants to fill it with - a family - and has made comments that he's really, really ready for the "big steps" in life. He's very close with his family, and his parents are still very happily married after 35+ years. He's had a few relationships of only a year to a year-and-a-half. Each ended because they determined they weren't right for each other (yes, they were mutual and not acrimonious). He's as down-to-earth and easy to get along with as could ever be imagined, and a total gentleman.

 

Me: 30, graduate (M.A.) and professional (J.D.) degrees, professional. Want both marriage and children. Product of a single mother. Have had multiple relationships, both short and long term, both great relationships and really sh*tty ones, all ending for a variety of reasons.

 

Together: We met in November and have been dating each other exclusively since early December (he was exclusive from the get-go, I was not...yet). We've been intimate since NYE. We spend about 4 nights a week together, sometimes more (I know, alot) if we also spend the weekend skiing.

 

We have no cultural differences (although politics can be cultural! ), and share the same core values and beliefs. We get along on all levels, completely enjoy each other's company whether we're out and about, on a "date night," skiing, or just hanging out at home making dinner and on the couch watching TV. We have multiple interests and activities in common. We have traveled together, and he's seen me at my absolute worst and taken care of me (when I sick as a dog). When there's been tension or we've been on the verge of conflict, we get through it with mutual problem solving and fantastic communication. I feel like he's my best friend who I want to get naked and doing naughty things with.

 

Currently, he's letting me decorate his new house (with his final approval, of course) and allowing me to takeover a closet and bathroom there. He's picks up things at the grocery store he knows I like, and secretly records my favorite shows on DVR for me in case I want to watch them.

 

I'm also meeting his parents this weekend.

[Art_Critic]

Very funny, clown!

 

I don't agree with you on the rest. It's not almost impossible. There are almost ALWAYS red flags a waving...when there's not, then I call it VIABLE.

 

I already called Allina's VIABLE after the yellow flags were turned into green ones.

 

And if I see that someone's heart really is "fickle and unknowing" that's a red flag. NOT VIABLE. So that in itself is a red flag. You should know this. Were you fickle and unknowing when you married your wife? I think not.

 

So there you go. This isn't rocket science really. The problem is that most people won't listen and will go ahead and do what they're going to do anyway. I know I never listened to reason from others in the past. Or they remain blind and ignorant to the obstacles that will prevent them from having a good long-term relationship/marriage.

 

At the very least maybe this thread will make people really analyze their relationships and get clear on some things that haven't been discussed between the two people.

 

If it saves even ONE person from making a mistake then it's worth it.

 

So you can de-validate (if that's a word) my thread if you want and tell me that this is an impossible exercise. But I don't agree.

 

Touche.. I was just poking your ribs...

 

I never said this thread didn't have value.. I simply stated it is almost impossible to tell viability unless red flags are a waving..

 

A relationship with no flags that you think is viable could also fail.. it sometimes is about the fickle heart and not always about a formula..

 

That being said.. I think this thread is nice... and you are right that it might get people to think about things more deeply..

[Touche]

Thanks. here's the other info if you care to continue.

 

I've thought about the red flags, here are my rationalizatoins:

Not living on her own: yes, tradition definitely a part of that - girls in her culture are generally living at parent's home before they get married, but that's not set in stone etc.). Though of course it is still weird in the US. context... Also, her parents have a bunch of businesses, so her only job ever has been managing one of them (i.e. another reason to live with family). Finally, the family seems kind of rich, or at least doing okay - the point being that they had a huge house, so living under one roof hasn't been a logistical nightmare. So, it may be a wishful thinking, but all of the above considered, it may be okay...

 

Not having a serious relationship before that: acne, weight and self esteem issues through high school and college (though pretty *hot* right now.) Also, the living with parents part. Was a virgin till the age of 24 until she finally decided to take back the night and jump the bones of an old crush. So it's kinda endearing and basically this gives her only 4-5 years before me for a relationship before me . the one with her ex boyfriend seems to has been of convenience. Maybe she views men as replaceable, which is not such a horrible thing, if within the bounds of healthy common sense (that's what I meant with the previous comment about her being calculating).

 

We see each other twice a week. The information gathering process is slow, particularly because there are not many facts to work with, but merely questions and opinions..

 

I'm just not getting a good "fix" on your relationship. Do you think she wants the same things you do?

 

It concerns me that you don't seem to really know each other very well after 5 months.

 

I'm going to have to say TOO CLOSE TOO CALL at this point. But that's not even accurate...there's just not enough info. What does SHE want? I mean you haven't even declared your love for each other yet...so at this point it's not even "too close to call." I just don't have enough to go on. Feel free to flesh this out some more if you want.

 

Greenfrog:

 

Looks very VIABLE to me but until you actually live in the same place and see each other on a regular day in/day out basis, this could be a tough call but I'll try.

 

Questions before I weigh in:

 

You say you dated 18 months ago but distance got in the way. What exactly does that mean? Did you break up? If so, were you both dating others? Can you clarify about that time period?

 

Dreamer, kind of like Sam here. I don't think you two know each other well enough yet for me to call this one. I'm going to have to say TOO CLOSE TO CALL. You need more time to see whether you really are viable. Sometimes you can know this early but I don't think that's the case here. It has potential for sure though. You just haven't really been tested yet and I think that's an important factor here because of your ages.

 

I'm sure he's mature for his age but 23 is still 23. WAY too young for him to really know what he wants at this stage. I'd say keep going with him but no way would I recommend marriage for quite a while. But you knew that already.

 

But yeah, there's potential here I think.

[Touche]

Touche.. I was just poking your ribs...

 

I never said this thread didn't have value.. I simply stated it is almost impossible to tell viability unless red flags are a waving..

 

A relationship with no flags that you think is viable could also fail.. it sometimes is about the fickle heart and not always about a formula..

 

That being said.. I think this thread is nice... and you are right that it might get people to think about things more deeply..

 

Of COURSE, AC! I'm not God after all! There are never any guarantees. Things can happen that are unforeseen that can rip a marriage/relationship apart. It's always about a certain amount of risk...the point here is to lessen the risk by paying attention to those flags.

 

Yellow ones can be turned into green ones as I said. Red ones are usually deal-breakers.

 

I'm not going to always be able to call it as you see here...sometimes more time really is needed. Other times it can be called after weeks.

 

Ok, SG. You were quite thorough in the info provided and I would have expected nothing less of you.

 

I'm very curious how it will go with the parents so please do update on that.

 

That said, before I weigh in my questions:

 

How were his past g/f's not right?

I take it he doesn't bad-mouth them right?

Do you like his friends?

 

The big house concerned me a bit. Can he afford it? Or is he going to be in huge debt? Does he know about your financial situation?

 

He sounds like a gem. I just want to know more before I weigh in.

 

I really do need to post my questions from that other thread but anyway, that's a start right there.

[Art_Critic]

Together: We met in November and have been dating each other exclusively since early December (he was exclusive from the get-go, I was not...yet). We've been intimate since NYE. We spend about 4 nights a week together, sometimes more (I know, alot) if we also spend the weekend skiing.

 

Off Topic Post :

This isn't about viability SG.. just congrats, Good for you that you found someone you connected with .. He sounds like a nice match...

[Trialbyfire]

I like this thread so I'll play. I think this thread can help people.

 

This check list of yours Touche, came from another thread.

 

We both come from families where our parents are still happily married, close to or greater than, 4 decades together.

1. You really have to be over 30. Very, very rarely will it work if you're under 30. Sorry, but it's the truth. Your prior dating/marriage experience counts also.

We're both mid-thirties and previously married. Both of us are relationship-style people who don't believe in ONSs or prostitutes.

2. You had to have already had a few conflicts with your SO. If you haven't you have no clue how you both handle conflict resolution. And that's very, very important in helping to determine the long-term viability of the relationship/marriage. Because no matter how much you love each other, if you can't handle conflict it's going to tank sooner or later.

He's a negotiator and de-escalator. If I throw out an olive branch, he picks up on it STAT, instead of going for the throat. Our conflicts end in win/win, which makes both of us happy, not that there's been many of them.

3. You have to be on the same page when it comes to money, children (whether to have them or not, when and how many), how you will raise them, religion, loyalty/fidelity and what you each think is considered cheating...so talk about internet flirting, real life flirting, etc. Also your views on separate vacations or not, girls/boys' nights out.

Both fiscally responsible with no debt. We both want children, where he doesn't care how many and I max. out at 2. He's an atheist and I'm agnostic, although we were both raised with religion. Our children will be raised without religion, except for family exposure to such. We're both big on fidelity and a reasonable level of flirting, real-life or cyber. The flirting doesn't exceed the line of emotional or sexual, just light-hearted stuff and not too much of it with any one person.

4. Where you want to live and how. Views on money. Is one a saver and one a spender? How do you each feel about investing? What about long-term financial goals? What about your stance on debt? Are they in line with each other? Make a PLAN!

We'll be living at his house, since mine is just a two bedroom condo which would be fine for a couple but no room for family expansion. We're both spenders and savers, below our means. We both invest, although I self-direct and he uses a money manager. He's hinted that I should take care of his portfolios but I've pushed him back. Truth be told, I don't agree with the way his investments have been weighted because it doesn't take advantage of...anything, in that it's almost deathly conservative. While I'm a conservative-style investor, you should allocate a portion towards venture, but get in and out fast, or you're going to be the bear. As for long-term goals, we're both careerists, so will work until we don't feel like it or necessity dictates we don't.

 

If you are not on the same page in these areas, can you compromise? Are you completely opposites or are you alike?

Refer to above.

Also, don't forget about family matters. Do you get along with them? How much time will you be spending with each others' families. Agree on holidays and such. Talk about it.

We've both met each other's parents and have mutual like and respect. His mother and I have gotten closer. She's one smart and capable lady.

The families will be getting together this weekend, now that my Dad is feeling better.

Other considerations: Is there give and take? Or is one of you always doing more than the other? Does one give in more to the other when you don't agree or is it about equal?

Totally and no. It's very equal. We both give, take and compromise.

 

What about your temperaments? Are you both mostly upbeat, positive people or pessimistic?

We can both be optimistic and pessimistic. He's more romantic, which brings that side out in me and I'm more pragmatic, which brings out that side in him. Complementary personalities.

Do you like each others' friends? If either of you has friends of the opposite sex is that ok?

Yes, we have friends with similar characteristics, and yes, as long as it doesn't exceed relationship boundaries of sexual or romantic interest. Neither believe in prowling while in an exclusive relationship.

Are you happy with the amount and quality of affection/sex in the relationship?

Totally!

How does your SO treat his family? How does he/she speak about the ex? How does he treat those who work for him/her or those who serve him (waiters/waitresses, people who perform a service for him/her).

He treats everyone with respect and consideration. He speaks realistically about his ex, both in terms of positives and negatives. One of the things I love about him is that he's neither bitter or cynical. His evaluation of his ex has been confirmed by the SOs of his close friends.

SPECIAL CATEGORY

 

If this is a blended family situation or a situation where one of you has kids, that's a WHOLE other ball of wax. (I have tips for those situations as well.)

Neither have children so this isn't applicable.

[Star Gazer]

Ok, SG. You were quite thorough in the info provided and I would have expected nothing less of you.

 

I'm very curious how it will go with the parents so please do update on that.

 

Will do.

 

That said, before I weigh in my questions:

 

How were his past g/f's not right?

I take it he doesn't bad-mouth them right?

Do you like his friends?

 

Has nothing bad to say about his ex-girlfriends. As an example of why one didn't work out, during the course of their relationship she "found God" and became VERY religious. They weren't compatible after that, given his own belief system and her desire to convert him to her new beliefs.

 

I really, really like his friends. The ones I have met are all parts of couples, and I enjoy the girls in those couples and our "couple dates" too.

 

The big house concerned me a bit. Can he afford it? Or is he going to be in huge debt? Does he know about your financial situation?

 

Yes, he can absolutely afford it with no problem at all. He could have paid cash if he wanted to. Other than the mortgage, he has no debt. He wrote a check for his car. He's made some really good decisions financially.

 

He does know about my financial situation, right down to how much I earn, how much my student loan payments are () and how much I give my mom each month. My income doesn't seem to concern him too much. He just cares that that I'm successful AND HAPPY at whatever it is I choose to do. I've mentioned possibly changing careers someday, which would cause a big hit to my paycheck, and he encouraged me to do it if it will make me happy.

 

He sounds like a gem. I just want to know more before I weigh in.

 

I think so too. What else do you need to know?

[Star Gazer]

Off Topic Post :

This isn't about viability SG.. just congrats, Good for you that you found someone you connected with .. He sounds like a nice match...

 

Thanks, AC!

[Touche]

Will do.

 

 

 

Has nothing bad to say about his ex-girlfriends. As an example of why one didn't work out, during the course of their relationship she "found God" and became VERY religious. They weren't compatible after that, given his own belief system and her desire to convert him to her new beliefs.

 

I really, really like his friends. The ones I have met are all parts of couples, and I enjoy the girls in those couples and our "couple dates" too.

 

 

 

Yes, he can absolutely afford it with no problem at all. He could have paid cash if he wanted to. Other than the mortgage, he has no debt. He wrote a check for his car. He's made some really good decisions financially.

 

He does know about my financial situation, right down to how much I earn, how much my student loan payments are () and how much I give my mom each month. My income doesn't seem to concern him too much. He just cares that that I'm successful AND HAPPY at whatever it is I choose to do. I've mentioned possibly changing careers someday, which would cause a big hit to my paycheck, and he encouraged me to do it if it will make me happy.

 

 

 

I think so too. What else do you need to know?

 

Looking VERY VIABLE here.

 

I do want to know about where your views are concerning time apart. I'm keeping in mind the personal history I know about you here.

 

Have you discussed, separate vacations and just time out with the girl's guys?

 

I want to put that one to you too, TBF before I answer. (Sorry if you already answered that one...I need to go back and really look at yours again.)

 

Also, TBF can you expand on the money management thing. Is he ok with you not having a hand in that? And will you be ok if he continues to make financial decisions that you're not in total agreement with?

[SarahRose]

This is great! I am game Touche.

 

We're both over 30. I was married for 10 years previously. I am his first real relationship because of his social phobia.

 

We've been together 4 years.

 

My parents were married until death do them part. No divorces in my family but me.

 

His parents divorced when he was 8.

[Trialbyfire]

Looking VERY VIABLE here.

 

I do want to know about where your views are concerning time apart. I'm keeping in mind the personal history I know about you here.

 

Have you discussed, separate vacations and just time out with the girl's guys?

 

I want to put that one to you too, TBF before I answer. (Sorry if you already answered that one...I need to go back and really look at yours again.)

 

Also, TBF can you expand on the money management thing. Is he ok with you not having a hand in that? And will you be ok if he continues to make financial decisions that you're not in total agreement with?

We're both okay with separate vacations, if we can't get our scheds lined up.

 

Yes, he's fine with it, although if he's insistent on my management of his finances in the future, I would rejuggle everything. He knows that too.

 

He uses a money manager and like all money managers, have templates based on questions asked. While this generically works for most people, I just prefer to self-direct for flexibility sakes. You're far more nimble to react to market flux, becoming leading edge, instead of middle or end of the pack mentality. Lemmingness ain't my thing!

 

Oh, as for his financial decisions without me, I actually prefer this, since we're both financially secure. We don't need to combine our finances, to get what we want.

[Star Gazer]

Looking VERY VIABLE here.

 

I know. It makes me nervous and excited at the same time!

 

I do want to know about where your views are concerning time apart. I'm keeping in mind the personal history I know about you here.

 

Every time we part in the morning, he'll say, "Do I get to see you tonight?" Sometimes I say no. He says, "Why not?" with a cute pouty face. I'll explain why - whether it's because I have an early morning, or want to do laundry, or want to see my girls, or just want to watch Grey's by myself, and remind him of the things he wanted to do that would be better without me around as well. He's always understanding and agrees. But we honestly can't get enough of one another - we have to force time apart!

 

Have you discussed, separate vacations and just time out with the girl's guys?

 

Time out - yes. We've discussed it, and practiced it. But again, it's been forced, as in, "let's spend the night with our friends." If we didn't make the effort, our friendships would wither.

 

As for vacations, for now - at this stage - we are fine with separate vacations. I'm going on trip with some girlfriends to Cabo in June (so far, that might change) and he's going to Europe with his family in April/May. I don't think it occurs to us - right now - to have an issue with separate vacations. His dad occasionally goes on ski trips without his mom, and she goes on spa trips without him. 4-5 days, basically, and they tend to do their trips at the same time so as to not leave the other home alone. We've discussed how that sounds perfect for us as well.

[Trialbyfire]

Oops, missed the downtime question. Yes, we believe in downtime, with our friends or getting things done!

 

It's interesting that you bring this up. In another situation, no matter how I explained that consistency and respectful/courteous behaviour mattered more, he allocated it to 24/7 demands. In other words, if you have things to do, DO them, places to go, GO, people to see, SEE them, but make certain that when you're with me, FOCUS on me. Not too much to ask...

[Touche]

I like this thread so I'll play. I think this thread can help people.

 

Thanks!

 

This check list of yours Touche, came from another thread.

 

Oh and thanks for including my stuff from the other thread. Every time I started to copy it I got distracted and forgot. So I hope everyone can use that as a guide when providing me with info/background.

 

We both come from families where our parents are still happily married, close to or greater than, 4 decades together.

We're both mid-thirties and previously married. Both of us are relationship-style people who don't believe in ONSs or prostitutes.

 

Why did that last bit make me laugh out loud? That all sounds perfect though.

 

 

He's a negotiator and de-escalator. If I throw out an olive branch, he picks up on it STAT, instead of going for the throat. Our conflicts end in win/win, which makes both of us happy, not that there's been many of them.

 

Excellent!

 

Both fiscally responsible with no debt. We both want children, where he doesn't care how many and I max. out at 2. He's an atheist and I'm agnostic, although we were both raised with religion. Our children will be raised without religion, except for family exposure to such. We're both big on fidelity and a reasonable level of flirting, real-life or cyber. The flirting doesn't exceed the line of emotional or sexual, just light-hearted stuff and not too much of it with any one person.

 

Now you tell me how important that last bit is! (I had never even HEARD of any of that when we got married!) Kudos for even talking about that stuff...that's one up on us there. As to the previous stuff...all good.

 

We'll be living at his house, since mine is just a two bedroom condo which would be fine for a couple but no room for family expansion. We're both spenders and savers, below our means. We both invest, although I self-direct and he uses a money manager. He's hinted that I should take care of his portfolios but I've pushed him back. Truth be told, I don't agree with the way his investments have been weighted because it doesn't take advantage of...anything, in that it's almost deathly conservative. While I'm a conservative-style investor, you should allocate a portion towards venture, but get in and out fast, or you're going to be the bear. As for long-term goals, we're both careerists, so will work until we don't feel like it or necessity dictates we don't.

 

Refer to above.

We've both met each other's parents and have mutual like and respect. His mother and I have gotten closer. She's one smart and capable lady.

The families will be getting together this weekend, now that my Dad is feeling better.

Totally and no. It's very equal. We both give, take and compromise.

 

We can both be optimistic and pessimistic. He's more romantic, which brings that side out in me and I'm more pragmatic, which brings out that side in him.

 

Excellent balance here.

 

Complementary personalities.

Yes, we have friends with similar characteristics, and yes, as long as it doesn't exceed relationship boundaries of sexual or romantic interest. Neither believe in prowling while in an exclusive relationship.

Totally!

He treats everyone with respect and consideration. He speaks realistically about his ex, both in terms of positives and negatives. One of the things I love about him is that he's neither bitter or cynical. His evaluation of his ex has been confirmed by the SOs of his close friends.

Neither have children so this isn't applicable.

 

Based on this and the other questions you just answered I will call this one very VIABLE!

 

(Why am I picturing myself with a huge rubber stamp that says VIABLE on it?)

 

Sarah, I will get to you after SG, ok?

[Touche]

I know. It makes me nervous and excited at the same time!

 

 

 

Every time we part in the morning, he'll say, "Do I get to see you tonight?" Sometimes I say no. He says, "Why not?" with a cute pouty face. I'll explain why - whether it's because I have an early morning, or want to do laundry, or want to see my girls, or just want to watch Grey's by myself, and remind him of the things he wanted to do that would be better without me around as well. He's always understanding and agrees. But we honestly can't get enough of one another - we have to force time apart!

 

 

 

Time out - yes. We've discussed it, and practiced it. But again, it's been forced, as in, "let's spend the night with our friends." If we didn't make the effort, our friendships would wither.

 

As for vacations, for now - at this stage - we are fine with separate vacations. I'm going on trip with some girlfriends to Cabo in June (so far, that might change) and he's going to Europe with his family in April/May. I don't think it occurs to us - right now - to have an issue with separate vacations. His dad occasionally goes on ski trips without his mom, and she goes on spa trips without him. 4-5 days, basically, and they tend to do their trips at the same time so as to not leave the other home alone. We've discussed how that sounds perfect for us as well.

 

That's good. I mean for us, we've never taken separate vacations. Neither one of us would be down for that but I don't judge others who do. It's just a matter of being on the same page with stuff like this.

 

Ok, ONE last question for you, SG. Have you had any REAL conflict...something you didn't agree on besides that whole ski thing which I don't count as a fight. I have to know that one. If so, describe the conflict and how it was resolved. You don't have to be too specific if you don't want to..you can be general.

[dreamergrl]

What about the rest of mine

[SarahRose]

Touche, thanks for taking the time to do this. This is making for a very interesting thread!

[Touche]

This is great! I am game Touche.

 

We're both over 30. I was married for 10 years previously. I am his first real relationship because of his social phobia.

 

We've been together 4 years.

 

My parents were married until death do them part. No divorces in my family but me.

 

His parents divorced when he was 8.

 

Your turn, Sarah!

 

This sure is different. Hmmmm...Let me ask you this: What is the best thing about your relationship and what's the one thing you would change?

 

Do you both want the same things?

 

My immediate gut feeling is this is VIABLE but I need more info.