I am married, a friend trying to get close

[Awesome84]

As Karen said... she was drinking... and drinking lowers people's inhibitions and to think straight... even with that... she was smart enough to stop it. And he kissed HER... not the other way around.

 

She may be lonely and suceptabile to other people being that she had no friends in a new city and her husband is gone. Her husband even told her that going out with him is ok. Which shows that she is still sharing things with him and asking him. I wouldn't doubt that she tells him about the guy trying to kiss her.

 

She posted as a friend trying to get too close... which could also mean that this friend wants to be the OM.... not that she necessarily wants to be the OW. The OW is when the man she kissed was also married. And if I am not mistaken... whether or not it's the OM/OW thread... it's still can be an infidelity thread.

 

Stop crucifying her when she came here for help. We should help her... not bash her for making a mistake!

[lkjh]

You two are right, drinking is a perfect excuse to do things like this. I wander whats going to happen when your husband gets drunk and "almost" cheats. Are you going to be so understanding? Whats going to happen when he stays in touch with his "friend"? you two are going to be ok with it, right?

[jwi71]

OP,

 

Did you ever fully disclose your affair to your H?

 

And your neighbor, your "friend"...isn't. He's a lying scumbag dog. He's PROVEN it. I would avoid him like the plague.

 

IMO, you do NEED to tell your H. I'd for hate for your neighbor to spill the beans to him in some drunken night at the pub. And you'd be surprised how these things get out...

[Awesome84]

You two are right, drinking is a perfect excuse to do things like this. I wander whats going to happen when your husband gets drunk and "almost" cheats. Are you going to be so understanding? Whats going to happen when he stays in touch with his "friend"? you two are going to be ok with it, right?

 

Relationships are built on trust. And if she is honest about it with him... they should be fine!

 

It isn't realistic to think that just because you are married to someone... that they will NEVER be attracted to another person. It's how you deal with that attraction that matters.

 

I'm single now but I would have never held a chain on my ex for fear that he would cheat. If he cheats then he doesn't love me. And he's gone! Simple as that!!! We were together for 7 years and he did cheat... and I was willing to forgive him but he loved her and married her. I couldn't be happier that him and I aren't together anymore. The bottom line is that if someone is going to cheat... they are going to cheat... and it depends on the foundation of the marriage if they can work through it.

 

I don't consider her cheating though... HE KISSED HER!!! That's hardly cheating!! Kudos to her for having the balls to tell him NO!!!

[karen100]

People cant help their feelings for each other especially when drunk. He does not sound like a 'scumbag' to me for having feelings...However he is wrong for what he did !

my friend and I crossed the mark. I told my husband of 20 years as soon as i saw him, he was angry but we've worked through it. I went to professional counselling. My husband said that he will meet my friend,and my friend is happy to meet my husband AND My friend is happy to be just friends.

If anything happens again i will have to rethink my marriage and my friendship. But one silly incident when drunk is not affecting my good friendship or my good marriage.

[lkjh]

The point I was trying to make is that this guy is not a friend! She can not keep him around and not tell her H.

 

Karen, you have got to be kidding! You cheated on your H and refuse to give up this "friendship". Do you really honestly believe that it is ok to stay friends with the guy you cheated with. You didn't cross a mark............you cheated. Do not minimize it. Do you really believe that five years down the road your H is going to be ok with this "friendship". You are willing to risk your marriage for this "friend". How good of a "friend" is he that your H of 20 years doesn't even know him?

[lkjh]

You called it your good marriage, would your H describe it the same way?

[jwi71]

People cant help their feelings for each other especially when drunk.

 

People CAN and DO control their feelings. All the time, every day. Not buying that for one second. If you aren't in control of your feelings then who is?

 

He does not sound like a 'scumbag' to me for having feelings...However he is wrong for what he did !

I never said he was a scumbag for having feelings. He is a scumbag for for sensuous dancing with a married woman, hugging her and kissing her. He is also a scumbag because he wanted to have sex with her per the OP. Simply pursuing a married woman who you KNOW to be married makes you a scumbag. Further sealing the deal is...he is married himself.

 

Yup...he's a scumbag.

 

Not only is her neighbor wrong...so is she.

 

my friend and I crossed the mark. I told my husband of 20 years as soon as i saw him, he was angry but we've worked through it. I went to professional counselling. My husband said that he will meet my friend,and my friend is happy to meet my husband AND My friend is happy to be just friends.

If anything happens again i will have to rethink my marriage and my friendship. But one silly incident when drunk is not affecting my good friendship or my good marriage.

I personally couldn't bear the sight of the SoB who was banging my W. But, if you and your H are ok with it...go for it.

[karen100]

He is also a scumbag because he wanted to have sex with her per the OP. Simply pursuing a married woman who you KNOW to be married makes you a scumbag. Further sealing the deal is...he is married himself.

 

I personally couldn't bear the sight of the SoB who was banging my W. But, if you and your H are ok with it...go for it.

 

Hahaha, at least READ the posts before you make your CRITICISMS and look stupid ! He wanted to have sex with her...! He's married himself ...! MY friend was banging me.... I didnt read any of that in the posts. You dont sound like a great husband to me just blatantly ignorant and I would be surprised if any other women would be mildly interested in you !!!

[jwi71]

Hahaha, at least READ the posts before you make your CRITICISMS and look stupid

 

Oh, I read it.

Now kindly quote where I criticized the poster.

 

! He wanted to have sex with her...!

 

The OP's second post...that was the impression I got...how do YOU interpret "go further"?

 

He's married himself ...!

 

Committed. Yup, I was wrong. In any case, he was in a committed relationship and not married (only thinking of it). That makes it so much better.

 

MY friend was banging me....

 

I did jump to that conclusion and I must apologize. Care to expand on how you "crossed the line"? Or, without explanation, shall we simply accept it as the truth?

 

You dont sound like a great husband to me just blatantly ignorant and I would be surprised if any other women would be mildly interested in you !!!

 

Mark Twain.

Dorothy Parker.

Auberon Waugh.

 

All of those authors could and did thoroughly eviscerate through prose. Their words were clever, biting, accurate, humorous and utter eviscerating to the recipients.

 

I read your ad hominim attack and immediatly think....Elmer Fudd.

[Dexter Morgan]

Anyone said anything about putting the FRIENDSHIP above the husbands ?

 

Well, basically you are by telling her not to lose him as a friend. Because it is inappropriate for her to be friends with a guy that wanted her pants off and because she said "i am actually afraid of the point where my i would go weak at my knees"

 

 

Nothing happened that she didnt control.

 

As evidenced by what she said above, she more than likely would lose that control if the guy tried hard enough.

 

 

It was a drunken episode.

 

Then I guess clubbing and drinking should be out for her now. No more.

 

 

I guess half the people here are righteous and never done anything sooo bad as control a situation that was going wrong when drunk. Ha funny.

 

 

Funny you should mention that, because I have never cheated. Even when drinking, i know what is going on around me.

 

just because you did, don't project it on to others.

 

And as far as your reply to a betrayed man, jwi71: "You dont sound like a great husband to me just blatantly ignorant and I would be surprised if any other women would be mildly interested in you !!! "

 

Nice stab at someone that has been betrayed.

[Awesome84]

Nice stab at someone that has been betrayed.

 

The he shouldn't go around being bitter to people online and cyber-bullying people.

 

It's no-one's fault on here that he has been betrayed.

[jwi71]

The he shouldn't go around being bitter to people online and cyber-bullying people.

 

Do quote my cyber-bullying.

[Dexter Morgan]

The he shouldn't go around being bitter to people online and cyber-bullying people.

 

I saw no bullying

 

 

It's no-one's fault on here that he has been betrayed.

 

So that makes it ok to shove someones betrayal in their face? Because its "no-one's fault"?

[karen100]

This is my last post as its getting out of hand.

 

Criticism it is, it certainly isnt constructive.

Again he was not in a committed relationship, she said he was SINGLE.

'Go further' - my interpretation of that was that he would go further if she was NOT married. um, sorry what is wrong with that ? He didnt go any further he pulled back as soon as she told him to. He kissed and hugged her and showed her affection. Yes its wrong to do that to a married woman. However, I'd rather be an affectionate, friendly person that respects a friends wishes, than an argumentative type of person as you are portraying of yourself.

 

Please read that first post again !

 

I was going to accept your apology, although what you said was unacceptable about my friend banging me..., but then you say that if i dont reply it is the truth ! I'm not bothered what YOU think we did, this post isnt about me. I am able to give my perception of the situation as i have been through a similar situation of a male friend showing me affection.

[Dexter Morgan]

This is my last post as its getting out of hand.

 

Criticism it is, it certainly isnt constructive.

Again he was not in a committed relationship, she said he was SINGLE.

 

I know that jw got it wrong, but what difference does it make whether the guy was single or not? She is an affair waiting to happen...whether the guy was single or not.

 

 

'Go further' - my interpretation of that was that he would go further if she was NOT married. um, sorry what is wrong with that ?

 

Oh I don't know....the part where she said she is afraid she'll get weak in the knees if she continues to be his "friend".

 

Again, she is an affair waiting to happen. They both now know he is interested, and she obviously wants him in some way otherwise she wouldn't say she is afraid of getting weak. So its inappropriate for her to hang out with him at all.

 

 

He didnt go any further he pulled back as soon as she told him to.

 

And its good that she didn't let it get further. But now the very fact that he made an advance towards her makes it inappropriate for her to continue going out with him or canoodling with him.

 

 

He kissed and hugged her and showed her affection. Yes its wrong to do that to a married woman. However, I'd rather be an affectionate, friendly person that respects a friends wishes, than an argumentative type of person as you are portraying of yourself.

 

Uh, how about a friend that doesn't have designs on a married woman and didn't make an advance at her at all??

 

Bottom line, if a woman came on to me, but was ok with me telling her to back off, I wouldn't hate her, but I wouldn't be the type of "friend" that hangs out with her. It would be highly disrespectful to my SO.

 

Once he made a pass at her, that is when the friendship should cease. At least in the form of the type of friends that hang out together.

[Awesome84]

I saw no bullying

 

 

 

 

So that makes it ok to shove someones betrayal in their face? Because its "no-one's fault"?

 

No your right... it doesn't. But I don't feel it's right to shoves someone's mistakes in their face either. Which is why I said what I said.

 

No internet-beef here. :bunny:

[Awesome84]

I am able to give my perception of the situation as i have been through a similar situation of a male friend showing me affection.

 

... is all I'M saying!!!

[Owl]

Boundaries...

 

...prevent yourself from GETTING into this situation. If you know that you're attracted to someone who is married, or if you're married and attracted to someone who isn't your spouse...you DO NOT spend time with them. Period.

 

You especially don't spend time with them and drink, when you know that this lowers your inhibitions.

 

You also don't exchange any kind of emotional communication with them, discuss your marriage or relationships, or otherwise engage with them in ANY kind of "personal" way. That just sets the stage for things to happen.

 

Recognize where the danger zones are, and take ACTIVE steps to PREVENT yourself from getting into this kind of situation to begin with.

 

You're always responsible for your choices...choosing to enforce good boundaries BEFORE it gets to the point where you're with him and he's grabbing you will save you a LOT of grief.

[Athena]

Again he was not in a committed relationship, she said he was SINGLE.

 

 

Please read that first post again !

 

I haven't read the OP for a while, but I clearly remember she said the OM was engaged to be married within a few months... so he IS in a committed relationship!!!!

[missdreamy]

Dear everyone...

 

I am happy to see the posts in this thread... It has been a long time I have written anything. Well, we are keeping up the friendship, with much less interaction. But I think I need to thank Karen100, and awesome84 for being so supportive. yes, I think the good has won... I would request the others to please deal with these issues with a more positive attitude, and help someone in need of advice by giving them some, than criticizing them. It leads nowhere if you criticize. when a adult person knows what he or she is doing, any criticism would do nothing to stop her from doing it. So dont think that your crticism helped us a bit. It was the inspiring and friendly attitude of my husband that helped me to get out of this so well. It doesn't require to shun anybody if any mistake is made.. rather try to figure things out.. if this friend of mine would not respect me, it should have been the end of any relationship with him. Since there is mutual respect, and we are not selfish, we can try to do what will be good for the other....

 

anyways, i believe that man is a social animal, and human touch and presence is very important in his/her life... infidelity is not done, until you do something intentionally.. and if you would like to know.... i did not mention this before.. i did not know what happens in a nightclub, when i decided to go there. i was very sad that day due to different reasons, and i just wanted to accompany him, as he was going there, and i asked him if he would mind it. and well for his marriage, he is planning to get married, but i told you.. ours is a different society.. he has not yet found a suitor... just planning... so re-think it once again...

 

thanks to all... and long live friendship and humanly love...

[Chrome Barracuda]

Dear everyone...

 

I am happy to see the posts in this thread... It has been a long time I have written anything. Well, we are keeping up the friendship, with much less interaction. But I think I need to thank Karen100, and awesome84 for being so supportive. yes, I think the good has won... I would request the others to please deal with these issues with a more positive attitude, and help someone in need of advice by giving them some, than criticizing them. It leads nowhere if you criticize. when a adult person knows what he or she is doing, any criticism would do nothing to stop her from doing it. So dont think that your crticism helped us a bit. It was the inspiring and friendly attitude of my husband that helped me to get out of this so well. It doesn't require to shun anybody if any mistake is made.. rather try to figure things out.. if this friend of mine would not respect me, it should have been the end of any relationship with him. Since there is mutual respect, and we are not selfish, we can try to do what will be good for the other....

 

anyways, i believe that man is a social animal, and human touch and presence is very important in his/her life... infidelity is not done, until you do something intentionally.. and if you would like to know.... i did not mention this before.. i did not know what happens in a nightclub, when i decided to go there. i was very sad that day due to different reasons, and i just wanted to accompany him, as he was going there, and i asked him if he would mind it. and well for his marriage, he is planning to get married, but i told you.. ours is a different society.. he has not yet found a suitor... just planning... so re-think it once again...

 

thanks to all... and long live friendship and humanly love...

 

 

Apparently...You just dont get it do you. I hope that when your husband has a similar "friendship" with a very infectious and attractive female, you will feel similarly enlightened. This friendship means alot to you, then what does that say about your marriage. I thought your husband was your best friend. why are you placing all this importance on this guy, it's because it's an emotional affair and you refuse to see it as such, but hey it's your life.

[taylor]

Once he made a pass at her, that is when the friendship should cease.

 

Dexter,

 

You do alot of harsh criticism in your posts. I understand it, as do many other posters who have come to "know" you. I think alot of this harshness is driven by emotions from your own personal experience with infidelity.

 

HOWEVER,

 

You make some very profound and intelligent points in your posts, such as the one above. Sometimes they get "lost" in the midst of the criticism, but they are there, nonetheless.

 

I just wanted to make a comment regarding your statement above.

 

If all married people, including myself, listened to these words of wisdom, most affairs would never happen. This is how they start.

 

I was JUST friends with my OM. Then he made a pass, and then another, and then another.

 

If this had been a person I had ABSOLUTELY NO SEXUAL ATTRACTION to at all, the passes would have bounced off of me as if I were wearing a protective force field.

 

Instead, I enjoyed the flirtation and reciprocated so as to ensure that it would continue.

 

And because there was NO TOUCHING involved, we continued to flirt in the name of "friendship."

 

It didn't take long before I found myself in a full-blown emotional affair.

 

I crossed boundaries that I shouldn't have.

 

It took me a long time to look back on the affair and figure out exactly where it was that I crossed over.

 

I figured out it was exactly at the point you describe...the friendship crossed the minute he made a pass at me...and that's when the friendship was no longer a friendship and it should have ceased, given the fact that I did have a sexual attraction to this man.

 

I think this OP is very vulnerable (as was I) and will continue to fight the attraction she feels toward this man as long as they are "friends." I hope she realizes a woman can get deeply involved with a man emotionally without ever touching him.

 

Vulnerability + Sexual Attraction + Friendship = Precursor to an Affair

[lkjh]

Dear everyone...

 

I am happy to see the posts in this thread... It has been a long time I have written anything. Well, we are keeping up the friendship, with much less interaction. But I think I need to thank Karen100, and awesome84 for being so supportive. yes, I think the good has won... I would request the others to please deal with these issues with a more positive attitude, and help someone in need of advice by giving them some, than criticizing them. It leads nowhere if you criticize. when a adult person knows what he or she is doing, any criticism would do nothing to stop her from doing it. So dont think that your crticism helped us a bit. It was the inspiring and friendly attitude of my husband that helped me to get out of this so well. It doesn't require to shun anybody if any mistake is made.. rather try to figure things out.. if this friend of mine would not respect me, it should have been the end of any relationship with him. Since there is mutual respect, and we are not selfish, we can try to do what will be good for the other....

 

anyways, i believe that man is a social animal, and human touch and presence is very important in his/her life... infidelity is not done, until you do something intentionally.. and if you would like to know.... i did not mention this before.. i did not know what happens in a nightclub, when i decided to go there. i was very sad that day due to different reasons, and i just wanted to accompany him, as he was going there, and i asked him if he would mind it. and well for his marriage, he is planning to get married, but i told you.. ours is a different society.. he has not yet found a suitor... just planning... so re-think it once again...

 

thanks to all... and long live friendship and humanly love...

 

Basically you are just lying to yourself if you really want to believe this guy is a friend. He already asked you on a date and tried to hook up with. Do not let being lonely cloud your judgment. Also, you need to tell your H what happen and let him have a say in it.

[Dexter Morgan]

Too right awesome. One momentary stupid thing happened when drunk which was controlled very well by her and SHE'S having an affair with her FRIEND (YES FRIEND)

 

Last I checked, "friends" don't make passes at other friends. Because one "friend" wants to be MORE than "friends".

 

Bottom line, its unacceptable for her to be "friends" with THIS particular guy.