whichwayisup Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 does a moment of lust or wanting really mean that two people have to part ways? is there no other kind of relationship that people may have? Yes..It does...Because you're married and you crossed the line by allowing something to happen with another man who isn't your husband. This OM KNOWS you're married and doesn't really care. He's in it for himself and doesn't give a crap about your husband. Imagine this. How would YOU feel if the situation was reversed? And it was your husband and another woman...Would you like it if their 'friendship' continued? Could you trust him? Would you enjoy knowing that your husband would be with that OW instantly if he wasn't tied down to you? Make female friends, have afew male friends- No problem..BUT, DO NOT cross the line with ANY man and set up boundries. Sorry you're lonely, but to seek comfort and attention from another man while your husband is away is just selfish on your behalf. You're asking for trouble and deep down I think you know there's no platonic and innocence of your new friendship with this guy. Focus on your husband, not the OM. Forget him..You don't owe him anything, though you DO owe your husband. Owing meaning, you owe your husband respect, honesty, and consideration. Why is the OM's feelings more important than your own husband?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author missdreamy Posted February 25, 2009 Author Share Posted February 25, 2009 Dear whichwayisup, i know what you mean. but the thing that does not make me feel as bad as you try to make me feel is that, all through this affair (i do not mean "affiar" but this story rather) what i only though of was that what would i feel if it were my husband instead of me doing this. and i got the answer in an instant. so as far as what i should do, even if i had any longing (which i cannot believe that any human being doesn't feel) for any human care and touch, was pretty clear to me. i am not the type that can just have fun and forget. i would never dream of it. but my problem is that i do not just stop at thinking about the good of me and my husband. assuring that they were protected, i went on with thinking about the good of this man.. for he behaved like that, but it was not a matter of long time. and i can't think ill of others at the first shot. i tried to put myslef in his shoes too, and when he aplogized and said he was sorry and that he respected me and cared about my marriage, and that we could only be friends, i could not just doom him. but you know, we are human, and i was still afraid whether i was indeed taking the right decision. i know that marriage is not a game, and i know my husband cares for me. and i also know this that if in my place, he would also try to help a man who is in such trouble as my friend. i actually learnt to be so compassionate from him. but just because i was a bit unsure, i wanted to have unbiased comments. there are ofcourse people on this earth who do not run away from each and every relationship just because it seems like going out of control. i know at times we need to avoid relations and people, when you know its a gone case. but then you would look at all men with scorn, hatred and disbelieve. i believe in spirituality. and also believe that spirituality and sensuosness may dwell in a single individual. its only which you choose and how much you can control yourseld. you need not act on all you feel. you may feel attracted, but that doesn't mean you need to go and do it. so thats whats important. Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted February 25, 2009 Share Posted February 25, 2009 thanks for your advice. i understand. but i still can't think that he is actually that bad, for he not only helps me but also others, in times of need. i am in a totally different part of the world, away from home and family. he is also from a similar cultural and national background. he 'says' he is trying to get over with this, and he is also thinking of marriage within the next few months. could i just stay away for a few weeks, and see if things get as they were. or would it be foolish to even talk to him. Ted Bundy helped others too, was he bad? Get a grip. You are entertaining this because you want to. Either you want you marriage or you want this so called friendship. How would you feel if your H were in this situation? What would you want him to do? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 OP, have your friend bring his fiance around to meet you. I always like meeting the important people in friend's lives. Who knows, you and she might get along great! Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 You are married and slow danced, explored his sensuous side and allowed him to hug and kiss you? That is cheating and is messed up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author missdreamy Posted February 26, 2009 Author Share Posted February 26, 2009 hi everyone... this is moving very fast indeed. you needn't worry.. as this man seems to be really sincere on what he said. he asked me to be just neighbours with him, and not try to be friends. thats the best way he said. well, thats not possible for me. when you know somebody, how can you act as if you know him just a little, and say hi and hello... its being friends, or stop all conversation... i think here its the later... i told my story to my husband.. though the conversation got disrupted in between, for he has some visitor, and i don't know what he is thinking about it... i hope you all will be relieved at hearing this.. i don't know what will come of all this.. you try to be good and friendly, and everyone around you seem like moral saints.. i love my husband, but i am just different, for i try to see man and woman alike in friendship. i don't believe it.. we talk of moderization, and we can't even be friends.. uff. its horrible... you go and see sex workers, you rape your wife at home, but someone feels sensual about somebody, and you kill him in guilt.. so that he can supress his feelings, without ever getting out of it. so that instead of learning to respect someone as a fellow human being, he'll keep his desires to come out on an "unmarried girl"...well, thats good.... just the same old society.... is this how the world works? this is not the first time i have seen things go this way. it makes me immensely sad and ever so, a universal lonliness comes over me. i guess thats even worse than the personal lonliness. .... well, if anybody has had better experiences, please let me know.. will make me happy to see that it always doesn't need to be the love between a MAN and a WOMAN, but between two HUMAN BEINGS..that can thrive between people of the opposite sex and keep them together... Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Stop acting like a baby. Nobody is treating you worse than some guy that rapes his wife. You want to believe that this was just a friendship but it wasn't. He took you on a date and kissed you. Yes people can have friends of the opposite sex but when it crosses the line and one party is married, it must stop. This isn't about suppressing your feelings. Obviously this was more then a friendship because you are here. If this was just a simply thing you would not be on a forum asking for advice. Im sorry if this is cruel but your last post made it seem like we are prosecuting you for some innocent thing. When in reality you some what cheated on your H and we gave you advice about what to do next. This is not a friendship, it already crossed the line. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Then one day I was very mentally stressed with a family problem, which I couldn't share with my husband, who's tarvelling a lot presently,and i simply ended up talking to this friend of mine. Your husband sounded like an understanding, trusting man....why could you talk to a single guy about your problem and not your husband? He was going to a night club, and i decided to accompany him Yup, here we go. That night kept him awake and the next day he took a step further and took me into his arms and wanted to kiss me when we were together in my apartment. It was ofcourse not welcome and i took control of the situation and sent him away. He felt guilty and apologized, and we later talked it over, that we should only be good friends. We are lonely, and enjoy each others company. I would not like to loose a friend just for a moment's weakness. But is it wise to try to make the relationship platonic? Will it ever work? I told him we would rather meet out of doors and in public, will that help? I would say that would help. Neither of you should be in each other's apartment. He has designs on you. I'd say that it is highly disrespectful to your husband to have him as a "friend" to be honest. But if you are determined to keep him as a friend, I'd say not being alone with him, no more night clubbing, dirty dancing...all of that. If you wouldn't want your husband canoodeling with another woman the way you have been with this single guy, then it would be something you should refrain from yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 i told my story to my husband.. Did you mention the intimate dancing, touching and kissing? Anyway, this guy is NO true friend of yours..If he was, he wouldn't have made a move on you, and you're no friend to him either.. Im sorry if this is cruel but your last post made it seem like we are prosecuting you for some innocent thing. I have to agree with this. Your reply is full of justifications and in all honesty if your husband did what you did, I'm sure you would be hurt and disappointed in him, that he allowed this to happen, let alone put himself IN a situation where something could happen. You just can't allow yourself to entertain those types of thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
Reggie Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 Does "modernization" include sensuous dancing with your friend, allowing him to hug and kiss you when your husband is not around. No one is saying that friendship with the opposite gender is wrong. I don't hug, kiss, or sensually dance with my friends, male or female. If your friend was a woman, would you do these things with her? Please, this was not a friendship and why do you feel the need to be an outlet for someone's sensual side? I'm heading over to the gym to play ball with my buddies. Some of them may be lonely and frustrated. Maybe I'll ask them to slow dance and hug and kiss.:bunny: Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted February 26, 2009 Share Posted February 26, 2009 What is a married woman being at the dance club by herself anyways? Says to me that's like looking to get some trouble. She knew what she was doing when she did it. like others I dont believe this was all innocent. Notcie when all this was happening she didnt object to it, it's like she wanted it to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted February 27, 2009 Share Posted February 27, 2009 let alone put himself IN a situation where something could happen. The above is key Miss Dreamy! You absolutely have to safeguard yourself in this new country, where you are without your husband, and where you admit to feeling lonely and concerned about possibly getting 'weak at the knees' for another man! You cannot put yourself in ANY situation where something could happen, anymore. Again. No iffs/and/or/buts. No excuses about the humanity of men and women, blah blah blah. You are Married. That is your cue to behaving as an unavailable married woman, to all men -- lonely or not. Link to post Share on other sites
blueintheface Posted March 2, 2009 Share Posted March 2, 2009 the fact that you think he "is not a bad guy" is a red flag. It probably would be better if he were a crappy friend but since he has such good qualities and an intimacy has already been established, it is likely this friendship will lead to more. i think it best to let go now while it's still nice & platonic rather than later on when deeper emotions have developed. Link to post Share on other sites
karen100 Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Hope you read this rather controversial post. Please have another chat with your other man. You are not totally sure about your relationship with him or your husband or you wouldn't be on here so be totally honest with your friend and yourself. Tell him about your feelings for him and your husband, Try and work out where your friendship is heading. The more you put into it the more you'll get out. If he is a good friend then he will be happy to chat about your friendship including personal details. Yes, men and women can be friends. I have friends with the opposite sex and that's all it is Yes he has crossed the mark but he was good and pulled back and still wants to be friends. Not all men are idiots and there are some good men out there. Yes you are vulnerable at the moment but hey you've found a friend and how good is that ! Dont lose him just yet. I would also assess your marriage. You are clearly finding something in your friendship that you are lacking from your marriage. Have a good long think about your marriage, this is a red flag ! I've been in the same situation. However after 20 years of a totally faithful marriage i crossed the mark after a drinking episode. We are trying hard to reframe our relationship as friends together. So far its working. However i have to live with it. So think about how you will cope if things did cross the mark with your friend as it could quite possibly turn that way. Hopefully the chat with him asap will help things not to go that way ! Does this post make sense ? It's your life, please be happy. Marriages do and can end, people move on. If you dont want to end it with your husband best to stay friends with this other guy and leave it at that. Your friend seems quite happy to remain friends, if you are accepting his friendship then what is the problem ? As i said men and women can be friends. Link to post Share on other sites
blueintheface Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 Hope you read this rather controversial post. Please have another chat with your other man. You are not totally sure about your relationship with him or your husband or you wouldn't be on here so be totally honest with your friend and yourself. Tell him about your feelings for him and your husband, Try and work out where your friendship is heading. The more you put into it the more you'll get out. If he is a good friend then he will be happy to chat about your friendship including personal details. Yes, men and women can be friends. I have friends with the opposite sex and that's all it is Yes he has crossed the mark but he was good and pulled back and still wants to be friends. Not all men are idiots and there are some good men out there. Yes you are vulnerable at the moment but hey you've found a friend and how good is that ! Dont lose him just yet. I would also assess your marriage. You are clearly finding something in your friendship that you are lacking from your marriage. Have a good long think about your marriage, this is a red flag ! I've been in the same situation. However after 20 years of a totally faithful marriage i crossed the mark after a drinking episode. We are trying hard to reframe our relationship as friends together. So far its working. However i have to live with it. So think about how you will cope if things did cross the mark with your friend as it could quite possibly turn that way. Hopefully the chat with him asap will help things not to go that way ! Does this post make sense ? It's your life, please be happy. Marriages do and can end, people move on. If you dont want to end it with your husband best to stay friends with this other guy and leave it at that. Your friend seems quite happy to remain friends, if you are accepting his friendship then what is the problem ? As i said men and women can be friends. ^huh? i thought she's already divorced?! Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 WAs that person seriously on crack? What self respecting husband would allow his wife to remain friends with the man she had an affair with??? WTF? Are you on something, be friends? the friendship is over!!!! and if you put this friendship above your husband's you wont be married much longer I promise you that. Link to post Share on other sites
blueintheface Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 eh. ignore my post above. i got your story confused with someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
karen100 Posted March 6, 2009 Share Posted March 6, 2009 WAs that person seriously on crack? What self respecting husband would allow his wife to remain friends with the man she had an affair with??? WTF? Are you on something, be friends? the friendship is over!!!! and if you put this friendship above your husband's you wont be married much longer I promise you that. Anyone said anything about putting the FRIENDSHIP above the husbands ? Nothing happened that she didnt control. It was a drunken episode. I guess half the people here are righteous and never done anything sooo bad as control a situation that was going wrong when drunk. Ha funny. [FONT=Arial][sIZE=2][FONT=Arial] [/FONT][/sIZE][/FONT] Link to post Share on other sites
Chrome Barracuda Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 Hmmm i guess we must not be reading the same post because this woman willingly went with her male friend to the club and then proceeded to get drunk beforehand. I guess when your drunk you can just say it was a mistake but she went willingly to a club where a male friend invited her to, without her husband's knowledge. Is that not bad enough when you have little personal boundries for the opposite sex? Like i said a married woman going to a club spells trouble, she knew what she was getting into when she went , let's not be naive! lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Athena Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 I've been in the same situation. However after 20 years of a totally faithful marriage i crossed the mark after a drinking episode. We are trying hard to reframe our relationship as friends together. So far its working. I am curious, Karen, when you got drunk and 'crossed the mark' -- is this with the same male friend that earlier crossed the line with you but reverted to just friends? Link to post Share on other sites
NewSunrise Posted March 8, 2009 Share Posted March 8, 2009 Dear all, I ofcourse got quite a few friends, out of which was a neighbour, friendly, matured, but a single young man. Now it happend that I was a bit worried over his many friendly gestures, and talked it over with my husband, and he ensured me it was ok. Looking for your advice.... If the guy was "mature" he wouldn't have tried to hit on a married woman. And IF you were of mature mind, you should've said: "Look, I like you. I'm married and I love my husband. You're my neighbor and I'd like to keep liking you as my neighbor...." He would've gotten the hint. Instead, you encouraged him in more ways than one. Real and tried research concluded over and over that booze makes people look at ugly things yummy. BORED? Volunteer. That's one avenue to meet quality people besides your neighbor, not at a bar. The gloomy economy is worldwide. Volunteers are needed---animal shelters, medical, orphanage or senior facilities. If not, find a hobby or interest. Meanwhile, ask yourself what it is that you want for yourself and your marriage. Your marriage requires it if it is to survive. The difference between a best friend and your spouse is that you don't sleep with your best friend let alone flirt or do inappropriate things that you woudn't do in front of your spouse. Just put yourself in your husband's shoes. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 May I ask why you are posting in the OM/OW forum instead of the infidelity or cheating and flirting. I think you ARE being rude to her. Gosh... she sent the man away... give her some credit why don't you! Even if she is posting in the OM/OW forum doesn't necessarily mean that she is think about cheating on her husband. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 I wasn't being rude. I was asking a question. She did cheat, she went on a date, got drunk, and kissed a guy. She didn't want to get rid of the guy and now she posted in the OW/OM column instead of the infidelity one. Credit is earned not given, she cheated and wanted to keep in contact. Yes she didn't cheat to a huge degree like others but she still cheated. The fact that she posted in the OM/OW shows that she considers herself as the OW not the wife that cheated. Personally I don't care if you think I'm being rude. I'm entitled to my opinions like yourself Link to post Share on other sites
karen100 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 Too right awesome. One momentary stupid thing happened when drunk which was controlled very well by her and SHE'S having an affair with her FRIEND (YES FRIEND) LKJH, I do hope you are married. Marriages go through ups and downs, maybe yours is perfect and nothing out of the ordinary ever happens that you have to control ???!!!! Please write a book about the perfect marriage, you'd make millions. I'd read it for the hilarity factor as perfect marriages dont exist. Link to post Share on other sites
Awesome84 Posted March 9, 2009 Share Posted March 9, 2009 .Personally I don't care if you think I'm being rude. I'm entitled to my opinions like yourself I don't care that you don't care. I'm just stating the facts! You WERE being rude! Opinions aren't posed as rude questions to people when you have rude motives! Link to post Share on other sites
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