Yes my friends, they do come back sometimes...

[CaliGuy]

Just a theory...

 

Perhaps shes feeling like your denying her advances(her words.. her telling you is an action of sorts.. ) and feels that since your already basically cutting her she may feel like the more she puts herself out there the less likely your going to want to be with her. Women know that being clingy and needy is the wrong thing to do and lets face it, her knocking down your door literally or metaphorically is going to come of needy and thats not very attractive for either sex.

 

Why not let her in and let her prove to you by action that she deserves to stick around if after lets say 1 month you feel she hasn't changes or you sense that its not leading anywhere but to the same result then you can cut her from your life. Meanwhile you can have some sex

 

Just something to ponder..

 

 

The reason you don't let them back in easily is that if you do, then they won't appreciate having you back. They'll figure "Sheesh, if they will take me back this easily, I can screw up all the time and getting back in is no problem at all."

 

At least, that's my thought process. You can't toss people aside without much thought and just think you can waltz back into their life just as easy.

 

She may be hesitant because of what's happened between us, but I am of the thought process that if you screwed up, it's YOUR responsibility to fix things. I wasn't the one to walk and and quit. She was, therefore she needs to prove that she means it.

 

Actions. Not words

[Biker2007]

CG,

 

I find it interesting that you are considering giving this girl a second chance, but I have learned to never say never...as it seems you have as well.

 

One quote (from the Last Kiss") I like in this situation: "Stop talking about love. Every ******* in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."

 

I hope this girl walks the walk and things workout, but it sounds like you are in a great frame of mind to make the right decision for you.

 

Best of luck!

[CaliGuy]

CG,

 

I find it interesting that you are considering giving this girl a second chance, but I have learned to never say never...as it seems you have as well.

 

One quote (from the Last Kiss") I like in this situation: "Stop talking about love. Every ******* in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn't mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It's what you do to the people you say you love, that's what matters. It's the only thing that counts."

 

I hope this girl walks the walk and things workout, but it sounds like you are in a great frame of mind to make the right decision for you.

 

Best of luck!

 

Thanks dude. Like the quote said, I want to see her walk the walk. Until she does, at it is to me is talk.

 

There are other women out there who are genuinely interested in me. I won't put my life on hold waiting for her to finally drop on my side of the fence - weeks, months, years later.

 

Time for her to put up or shut up

[Surfer Girl]

From your post I noticed two things that you have come to the conclusion of... Actions speak louder than words and you have a strong bond in both of you regarding your faith...

 

I agree actions do speak louder than words.... Do you think she has to prove yourself to you? Does that take beating on your door to prove it. Earn your trust.... I think you will know when one is truelly sorry and cares and loves enough... Seems you are giving her the ultimatum... What about what you feel.... Yes, you are going out dating... Are you finding the same emotional bond dating as you did with her.... most likely not......

 

What made her change her mind... The fact that she still loves you or she is remincesing, feeling vulnerable being alone.... You have always been about NC.. etc... Perhaps you have more feelings for her than you realize just by the idea of even contemplating getting back together...

 

I don't think it as about beating down the doors to show how much she needs to earn your respect... I think it is about... whether or not you really want to be committed in a relationship that may take alot of communication and work and whether you think she is worth it... to take that step requires alot of hard work, committment and truelly knowing whether you can deal with that.... Both people have to be totally committed to making that step that requires hard work on both parts.... If you are both willing than perhaps it could be a good thing...

[2sunny]

i don't see how she's a win if you date her again.

 

she's a gal that's willing to pursue another man while she's still attached to another? what's attractive about that quality in a gal? i find that to be a HUGE character defect!!!

 

would you want her doing this behind your back if you were dating her?

 

i don't think there's ANY reason to revisit this one. just tell her no go, no way, no how! the religious belief connection isn't enough to overlook her big character defect.

 

she might mature in this area in ten years or so, but between now and then she'll be looking to men to validate her attractiveness and appeal. do you want to be around her while she spews the wrath of selfishness? i would think NOT!!! always wondering this would just be torturing yourself.

 

did you have sex with her in the past? that may be a driving force that's keeping you both wondering about the second chance - not the religion.

[CaliGuy]

From your post I noticed two things that you have come to the conclusion of... Actions speak louder than words and you have a strong bond in both of you regarding your faith...

 

I agree actions do speak louder than words.... Do you think she has to prove yourself to you? Does that take beating on your door to prove it. Earn your trust.... I think you will know when one is truelly sorry and cares and loves enough... Seems you are giving her the ultimatum... What about what you feel.... Yes, you are going out dating... Are you finding the same emotional bond dating as you did with her.... most likely not......

 

What made her change her mind... The fact that she still loves you or she is remincesing, feeling vulnerable being alone.... You have always been about NC.. etc... Perhaps you have more feelings for her than you realize just by the idea of even contemplating getting back together...

 

I don't think it as about beating down the doors to show how much she needs to earn your respect... I think it is about... whether or not you really want to be committed in a relationship that may take alot of communication and work and whether you think she is worth it... to take that step requires alot of hard work, committment and truelly knowing whether you can deal with that.... Both people have to be totally committed to making that step that requires hard work on both parts.... If you are both willing than perhaps it could be a good thing...

 

She's not alone, she's still dating the other guy. With that in mind you can see how apprehensive I am to believe anything she says. It's all talk because her actions do not match her words. Until I see actions that match her words, I'll not be tempted with any mirages generated by her.

 

Deep down what I think is this: She's unhappy because her b/f isn't following the same path she is in her faith. I warned her about this when she left, about people being unequally yoked. I think she probably loves the guy but realizes he isn't a long term fit. (duh). I think she is scared that I don't trust her (rightfully so) and that she has gotten somewhat comfortable in her life. Coming back to me would mean she has to take a gigantic leap of faith not knowing if I would completely accept her or not.

 

See what I mean? Staying is easy when you're comfy. I'd personally rather see her leave the guy and be single for a while and figure out what she wants before she tries beating down my door.

 

Because in the end, if all I am to her (or anyone for that matter) is a deserted island for the lonely, I'd rather you stay off my fracking beach!

 

i don't see how she's a win if you date her again.

 

she's a gal that's willing to pursue another man while she's still attached to another? what's attractive about that quality in a gal? i find that to be a HUGE character defect!!!

 

would you want her doing this behind your back if you were dating her?

 

i don't think there's ANY reason to revisit this one. just tell her no go, no way, no how! the religious belief connection isn't enough to overlook her big character defect.

 

she might mature in this area in ten years or so, but between now and then she'll be looking to men to validate her attractiveness and appeal. do you want to be around her while she spews the wrath of selfishness? i would think NOT!!! always wondering this would just be torturing yourself.

 

did you have sex with her in the past? that may be a driving force that's keeping you both wondering about the second chance - not the religion.

 

Yes of course we did. But I just don't think that's it. It's not it for me. I did actually love this woman. She did not believe me. She actually thought I was "too good" for her.

 

She has told me that many times she wanted to tell me this but because I put up a wall (aka: No contact) she felt I was lost forever. I guess my defenses were down the other day and she realized I'm not being an a$$ and I have a reason for not having contact with her. Now that she knows this, she sees it as an opportunity to tell me all the things that she has apparently wanted to tell me for the last 4 or 5 months.

 

And to her credit, she did try really hard back in November but I think at the time I flat out told her to get lost. So in a way I can understand why she has been hesitant. All she knew from her prvious attempts to contact me was that I wasn't going to hear it.

[CaliGuy]

I LOVE THIS...I think it is going to be my new mantra!!!!

 

Haha. Sometimes when I am on a roll I get blessed with a brilliant analogy.

 

(aka: Even a blind squirrel eventually finds a nut...)

[MeMyself&I]

Just a theory...Perhaps shes feeling like your denying her advances(her words.. her telling you is an action of sorts.. ) and feels that since your already basically cutting her she may feel like the more she puts herself out there the less likely your going to want to be with her. Women know that being clingy and needy is the wrong thing to do and lets face it, her knocking down your door literally or metaphorically is going to come of needy and thats not very attractive for either sex.

Just something to ponder..

 

I know you already answered this but I just want to point this out that this is what I was trying to say in my earlier post on here. Nobody wants a needy girl or guy (unless they are needy too).....which I don't mean you are.

 

Maybe you could lessen your goal to her saying she wants you back, she was wrong and can I meet with you to talk. That way she is initiating contact without looking like the part of the cast "girl interrupted"! lol

 

Anyway, like I said before, every situation is different. She left you for another guy....is that right?? Pretty harsh so maybe she should be held to a higher level of action?!! I just want you to remember as a strong guy yourself (and she probably knows this) are you going to respect her for crawling back "and literally beating down your door" or are you going to enjoy it because it she'll look broken and foolish?! (I know she did you wrong and I'm not making excuses for her). I'm just questioning your motivation in this. Do you want her back or are you making her pay "two wrongs don't make a right". BUT maybe you're going for the "An eye for an eye" aspect . I don't know what your religion is but most of them teach forgiveness.

 

You know I'm rooting for you. Just an additional perspective.

[hopethisworks]

Im in the exact same boat with you Caliguy. Same age, similar story, and same feelings. Its just hard to really throw away someone you spent so much of your life with, and not think about a second chance until you are faced with it. My ex has finally tried to talk to me after I initiated a month of nc, and it is tough to not want to reach out and get back what i once had. (even though shes reaching for the friendship card) I always loved the saying, never make someone a priority in your life, if they only see you as an option. I hope things work out, I have definately appreciated your advice to me, so i thought i might try and lend some of mine.

[2sunny]

ok, so this makes a bit more sense to me. the physical connection with the spiritual connection is there. but she is still emotionally bankrupt because she's going behind his back to make sure you are waiting in the wings before she leaves him.

 

not good. even if she wants you - she should leave him - spend a good amount of time growing her emotionally HEALTHY side by being comfortable ALONE - THEN consider spending time with you when she can present a healthy COMPLETE package to you for a relationship.

 

if you rush the process - you will only get a percentage of the whole version of what she actually is - or could be. in other words - she still has work to do... back off for a while and let her get healthier emotionally. if she wants you, you can wait to get the better version.

 

does that make sense?

[whichwayisup]

Are you inlove with her? DO you see yourself marrying her, having children with her? If you feel this way, then allow her a chance..BUT..If you don't, just end it ..

 

In all honesty, she's 22, she's young and has alot of growing to do still.

[CaliGuy]

I know you already answered this but I just want to point this out that this is what I was trying to say in my earlier post on here. Nobody wants a needy girl or guy (unless they are needy too).....which I don't mean you are.

 

Maybe you could lessen your goal to her saying she wants you back, she was wrong and can I meet with you to talk. That way she is initiating contact without looking like the part of the cast "girl interrupted"! lol

 

Anyway, like I said before, every situation is different. She left you for another guy....is that right?? Pretty harsh so maybe she should be held to a higher level of action?!! I just want you to remember as a strong guy yourself (and she probably knows this) are you going to respect her for crawling back "and literally beating down your door" or are you going to enjoy it because it she'll look broken and foolish?! (I know she did you wrong and I'm not making excuses for her). I'm just questioning your motivation in this. Do you want her back or are you making her pay "two wrongs don't make a right". BUT maybe you're going for the "An eye for an eye" aspect . I don't know what your religion is but most of them teach forgiveness.

 

You know I'm rooting for you. Just an additional perspective.

 

Thanks. I'm not trying to make her pay or are even thinking of this as revenge. Like I said before, I am very hesitant because she walked away quite easily and didn't have any regrets. It was a clean break for her. When we did talk, she emphasized how happy she was.

 

Beating down my door is more of figure of speech than it is in the literal sense. I don't need her beating on my door at 2am. I need to see some real regret and remorse for her actions and I need to see some solid proof that her desire to come back isn't simply based on "something he isn't providing her..." ya know?

 

I want to be with someone who adores and cherishes me. Not someone who sees me as a means to get a need meet. And its being used once already that has me very, very hesitant to take someone back. That is why I need to see something real and substancial other than just "talking" about it.

 

Im in the exact same boat with you Caliguy. Same age, similar story, and same feelings. Its just hard to really throw away someone you spent so much of your life with, and not think about a second chance until you are faced with it. My ex has finally tried to talk to me after I initiated a month of nc, and it is tough to not want to reach out and get back what i once had. (even though shes reaching for the friendship card) I always loved the saying, never make someone a priority in your life, if they only see you as an option. I hope things work out, I have definately appreciated your advice to me, so i thought i might try and lend some of mine.

 

You're welcome. In your case, friendship with her is simply her way of getting some need met by you without meeting your needs. Stick to your guns. I refused to be friends with my ex. I told her that I would never accept breadcrumbs of someone's attention like that after what we'd been through. Screw that.

 

If your ex really wants you, she knows where to find you. In the meantime I suggest doing what I did. Say "screw 'em" and move on with your life. There are soooooooo many cool women out there who will love and appreciate you for who you are. Get happy and love yourself and life will take a brilliant turn for the better. No need to feel sorry for yourself. You should feel sorry for her, for letting you get away. Her loss, not yours.

 

ok, so this makes a bit more sense to me. the physical connection with the spiritual connection is there. but she is still emotionally bankrupt because she's going behind his back to make sure you are waiting in the wings before she leaves him.

 

not good. even if she wants you - she should leave him - spend a good amount of time growing her emotionally HEALTHY side by being comfortable ALONE - THEN consider spending time with you when she can present a healthy COMPLETE package to you for a relationship.

 

if you rush the process - you will only get a percentage of the whole version of what she actually is - or could be. in other words - she still has work to do... back off for a while and let her get healthier emotionally. if she wants you, you can wait to get the better version.

 

does that make sense?

 

Yep and I think I said that in my last post before this one. I don't want her hopping from one relationship to another. If she is serious that he is not the guy then she should be breaking it off with him and taking some time to get her head screwed back on straight.

 

I would be much more apt to believe that she really wanted to be with me if she broke up with him and spent a good amount of time healing and re-charging.

[CaliGuy]

Are you inlove with her? DO you see yourself marrying her, having children with her? If you feel this way, then allow her a chance..BUT..If you don't, just end it ..

 

In all honesty, she's 22, she's young and has alot of growing to do still.

 

23 now and yes to all above, that is why I am hesitant to just toss her away.

[movingonandon]

ok, so this makes a bit more sense to me. the physical connection with the spiritual connection is there. but she is still emotionally bankrupt because she's going behind his back to make sure you are waiting in the wings before she leaves him.

 

not good. even if she wants you - she should leave him - spend a good amount of time growing her emotionally HEALTHY side by being comfortable ALONE - THEN consider spending time with you when she can present a healthy COMPLETE package to you for a relationship.

 

if you rush the process - you will only get a percentage of the whole version of what she actually is - or could be. in other words - she still has work to do... back off for a while and let her get healthier emotionally. if she wants you, you can wait to get the better version.

 

does that make sense?

 

 

Oh, my god - i missed the part that she's still with that other dude while trying to come back. I experienced the exact same thing, so yes, I'm biased in suggesting that there is absolutely no point in even talking to her until she dumps that other guy and stops communicating with him...

[whichwayisup]

23 now and yes to all above, that is why I am hesitant to just toss her away.

 

Then tell her when she is ready and this other guy is completely out of her life and her blood, to give you a call. DO NOT be that guy who waits in the wings while she takes her time deciding. Last thing YOU need to deal with is being second fiddle (again). She wants you, let her actions show you that she's working on getting over and away from this other guy.

[2sunny]

just date the other gals hanging around and put her out of your mind for at least a while AFTER she breaks up with #1 dude right now.

 

you might as well find some fun and good distractions of your own until she gets herself in a much healthier place. that is bound to take quite a while after her break up anyway.

[CaliGuy]

Oh, my god - i missed the part that she's still with that other dude while trying to come back. I experienced the exact same thing, so yes, I'm biased in suggesting that there is absolutely no point in even talking to her until she dumps that other guy and stops communicating with him...

 

Agreed. Since she made contact the other day, I have been silent and so has she. She knows she has things to think about. I made it clear I wasn't waiting around.

 

Then tell her when she is ready and this other guy is completely out of her life and her blood, to give you a call. DO NOT be that guy who waits in the wings while she takes her time deciding. Last thing YOU need to deal with is being second fiddle (again). She wants you, let her actions show you that she's working on getting over and away from this other guy.

 

Agreed.

 

just date the other gals hanging around and put her out of your mind for at least a while AFTER she breaks up with #1 dude right now.

 

you might as well find some fun and good distractions of your own until she gets herself in a much healthier place. that is bound to take quite a while after her break up anyway.

 

Yep. That's what I've been saying. I'm continuing to go out on dates and have fun. In fact I have a big birthday party coming up on Sat night and a ton of my friends (and lotsa hotties) are coming! I have date offers left and right so I can say with authority that my basket is full and I'm not "waiting" around for anyone. If she really wants me, she is the one that needs to take action.

[wowIlose]

I didn't realize she was still with the other dude. Thats a huge no-no. I wouldn't even think twice about it till hes completely out of her life and shes single.

 

Good luck CG.

[paperchase]

I hear what everyone is saying about making a clean break with the other guy first, but the reality is most individuals do not leave their significant other until the have options lined up. It sucks, but it's true. My ex strung me along until she found my replacement and, in hindsight, I think she did the same to my predecessor while courting me.

 

Rarely do you meet someone that has no physical or emotional ties to another person at the time you begin dating.

[carhill]

If Caliguy is a monkey branch personality, then, if this young lady is likewise, they are compatible in that regard. I know many such people. Neither my wife nor I are like that, but the dynamic exists. I would have a difficult time being serious about someone who couldn't be alone, because, to me, that indicates an underlying personality incompatibility with my own. People do change, but it would have to be one of those "show me the money" type situations for it to impact my decision-making process.

 

I seem to recall Caliguy having a "friendship" with a lady who was engaged, apparently unhappily. Newer posters can read about that situation, which in some ways intermeshes with this one, below:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t167683

[2sunny]

some people find a person who's "taken" a bit more appealing.

 

even though CG says contrary - maybe he is more attracted to this challenge in a gal than he wants to admit?

 

what do you think CG?

[CaliGuy]

I hear what everyone is saying about making a clean break with the other guy first, but the reality is most individuals do not leave their significant other until the have options lined up. It sucks, but it's true. My ex strung me along until she found my replacement and, in hindsight, I think she did the same to my predecessor while courting me.

 

Rarely do you meet someone that has no physical or emotional ties to another person at the time you begin dating.

 

The difference here is I *know* about her significant other. We all work at the same company. I will know when/if she breaks it off. And even then, I won't take her back until such a time as I feel she has cleansed her system of him.

 

If Caliguy is a monkey branch personality, then, if this young lady is likewise, they are compatible in that regard. I know many such people. Neither my wife nor I are like that, but the dynamic exists. I would have a difficult time being serious about someone who couldn't be alone, because, to me, that indicates an underlying personality incompatibility with my own. People do change, but it would have to be one of those "show me the money" type situations for it to impact my decision-making process.

 

I seem to recall Caliguy having a "friendship" with a lady who was engaged, apparently unhappily. Newer posters can read about that situation, which in some ways intermeshes with this one, below:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t167683

 

Right. And though she gave him the ring back, he eventually came back with a bigger one and she took the money and ran. But notice, I don't post about that at all because I did not have an emotional investment in her. Yep, she was hot, but that still didn't stop me from heeding the red flags.

 

some people find a person who's "taken" a bit more appealing.

 

even though CG says contrary - maybe he is more attracted to this challenge in a gal than he wants to admit?

 

what do you think CG?

 

Nah. I'd much rather prefer that none of them are invested in others but the fact remains, as paperchase pointed out, a lot of people do like to have plan B in place before they cut ties with Plan A. But like I said, in this case, I don't want anything to do with her while she's dating someone else.

[hopethisworks]

Caliguy keep me posted on how your situation turns out.

 

My whole deal took a major turn this weekend to almost exactly where yours is now. I broke nc, and decided to hear her out after she had been trying to contact me over and over. It was the first time she actually admitted her own faults in the breakup. In a small sense it actually felt a little good to to know that she finally admitted to being wrong, and actually apologised. The attraction b/w us is still there, and its very strong. She admits to thinking about me constantly, even when she is with the new guy. But the fact remains that she is still with this guy. I made it clear that I could not settle as #2 in her life, and that I was glad she had found someone that made her happy, and that she deserved it. Last night while she was out she sent numerous texts saying i miss u and love u, but she had obviously been drinking. Its been a little over a month, and I think she is realizing now what she has lost. Is it best to remain nc, or to begin the transition into very LC?

[princess Linda]

sometimes if you really love someone you need to discipline them (along w/ yourself)...

 

i don't know your situation but

my theory is this:

 

1. if she lef u for another guy & is now semi-regretful then =don't take her back* b/c if she was truly regretful she would litterally be banging down your door.. she wouldn't let her pride or anything get in the way of begging for your love back & letting you know how sorry she is.

 

2. if it was a mutual split or taking a "break" then it's best to leave it like that and move on.

 

3. don't deceive yourself & make excuses for others false sense of love.. if you truly love her & want to be with her then talk to her about it and ask her why she did what she did.. if she 'doesn't know'.. then tell her that you 'don't know why you should be with her"... just stand up for yourself and don't be a pansy.

 

too many people make excuses just so they don't have to be 'lonely'

 

***just my opinion** xo good luck!

[CaliGuy]

sometimes if you really love someone you need to discipline them (along w/ yourself)...

 

i don't know your situation but

my theory is this:

 

1. if she lef u for another guy & is now semi-regretful then =don't take her back* b/c if she was truly regretful she would litterally be banging down your door.. she wouldn't let her pride or anything get in the way of begging for your love back & letting you know how sorry she is.

 

2. if it was a mutual split or taking a "break" then it's best to leave it like that and move on.

 

3. don't deceive yourself & make excuses for others false sense of love.. if you truly love her & want to be with her then talk to her about it and ask her why she did what she did.. if she 'doesn't know'.. then tell her that you 'don't know why you should be with her"... just stand up for yourself and don't be a pansy.

 

too many people make excuses just so they don't have to be 'lonely'

 

***just my opinion** xo good luck!

 

 

#1 applies here which is why I have said "She has to beat my door down" if she really wants me. So far all she has done is "talk" about it but she is still seeing the other guy so to me at least....she's full of hot air.

 

Caliguy keep me posted on how your situation turns out.

 

My whole deal took a major turn this weekend to almost exactly where yours is now. I broke nc, and decided to hear her out after she had been trying to contact me over and over. It was the first time she actually admitted her own faults in the breakup. In a small sense it actually felt a little good to to know that she finally admitted to being wrong, and actually apologised. The attraction b/w us is still there, and its very strong. She admits to thinking about me constantly, even when she is with the new guy. But the fact remains that she is still with this guy. I made it clear that I could not settle as #2 in her life, and that I was glad she had found someone that made her happy, and that she deserved it. Last night while she was out she sent numerous texts saying i miss u and love u, but she had obviously been drinking. Its been a little over a month, and I think she is realizing now what she has lost. Is it best to remain nc, or to begin the transition into very LC?

 

 

Stay in NC. Like you, I am in the same situation. She's still with the other guy and not really DOING anything. Just talking. Talking, to me at least, means nothing. If there aren't any actions to back up the words, then you know where her heart truly is. In both our cases, it's not with us or they'd be here, beating down the door.

 

I prefer to let actions speak, not words. Until I see action, I am going to continue with my fun, happy life. I don't need my ex and never have. Yes, if the feelings were mutual it'd be great. But again, feelings aren't trulye expressed in words for me. It's ACTION that speaks louder than words.

 

What does her actions tell you? Probably the same thing my ex's say to me. "I'm still with the other guy..."

 

That's all we need to know.