Yes my friends, they do come back sometimes...

[CaliGuy]

Ex at work is banging at my door (figuratively, not literally). Hesistant to open the door. Not sure she is 100% regretful. I have been going out on a lot of dates and having fun. She sounds remorseful but so far isn't literally banging my door down. I really want to see that before I even think of giving her a second chance. Actions speak so much louder than words.

 

Yes, I know the rules. Yes, I know all the advice I've been given. When the shoe is on the other foot, it's hard for me to distance myself emotionally from my OWN situations. Easier for me to give advice than take.

 

Let's hear your thoughts. I didn't really see this coming. Thought she was gone for good given that I think she moved in with the guy. Don't know if that is true.

 

Talk me out of listening to her. I miss her but I don't want to go through that again. After all, what assurances do I have that she won't do it to me again?

 

(none)

[foxh1234]

Ex at work is banging at my door (figuratively, not literally). Hesistant to open the door. Not sure she is 100% regretful. I have been going out on a lot of dates and having fun. She sounds remorseful but so far isn't literally banging my door down. I really want to see that before I even think of giving her a second chance. Actions speak so much louder than words.

 

Yes, I know the rules. Yes, I know all the advice I've been given. When the shoe is on the other foot, it's hard for me to distance myself emotionally from my OWN situations. Easier for me to give advice than take.

 

Let's hear your thoughts. I didn't really see this coming. Thought she was gone for good given that I think she moved in with the guy. Don't know if that is true.

 

Talk me out of listening to her. I miss her but I don't want to go through that again. After all, what assurances do I have that she won't do it to me again?

 

(none)

 

Hi Cali, I'm going to give you my 2 cents and if I'm off base, please disregard. If I remember correctly this one was young 22 or 23 ? I would worry if she was this young that she might come back to you and then leave again 6 months- a year later. From what I remember about this situation, she sounded immature. I was where you are now and I admit, it was very tempting to forgive, forget, and hold her again like the old days. In my case I couldn't get past the cheating and lying. I don't know what you shouold do man, only you know how you feel and what you want. I guess my advice is to tread lightly and be careful. Think this through and don't rush back into anything. Good luck my friend.

[Difficult]

Hi Caliguy,

 

How long has she start to come back after?

[riobikini]

Cali, Cali -is this the *same* girl from three years ago????

 

-Rio

 

 

P.S. Take the advice on your script trailer .....something about respect and a doormat.

 

Wise words.

[Mustain2234]

Ex at work is banging at my door (figuratively, not literally). Hesistant to open the door. Not sure she is 100% regretful. I have been going out on a lot of dates and having fun. She sounds remorseful but so far isn't literally banging my door down. I really want to see that before I even think of giving her a second chance. Actions speak so much louder than words.

 

Yes, I know the rules. Yes, I know all the advice I've been given. When the shoe is on the other foot, it's hard for me to distance myself emotionally from my OWN situations. Easier for me to give advice than take.

 

Let's hear your thoughts. I didn't really see this coming. Thought she was gone for good given that I think she moved in with the guy. Don't know if that is true.

 

Talk me out of listening to her. I miss her but I don't want to go through that again. After all, what assurances do I have that she won't do it to me again?

 

(none)

Hey, the Ebook guy!. When I posted in that "get your ex back" thread a few days ago I browsed through similar threads below the page and you were in about every one lolz.

 

Far as your situation, I don't think you can guarantee anything; but if I were you I'd make it very clear if she does what she did before it's over. Forever. Even if it kills you to say it, and you know if she hurts you again you'd be right back where you started, make her feel she can't take you for granted.

 

It's a strange issue though with exes and this power struggle between the dumper and dumpee. I feel, as a dumpee, that the responsibility lies on the dumper to initiate any second chances. And not this, "oh, I'm going to play games and give you all the signs that I'm interested; but you're going to have to be the one to give the push" type of crap. I believe if someone is strong willed enough to dump their boyfriend/girlfriend, they should be willing to accept the role reversal that comes with asking for a second chance.

 

And be careful, because actions don't always speak louder than words. My ex and I met one night at the beginning of January, about one year after she dumped me, and we kissed several times that night. Up until then there had never been physical contact after the breakup. It actually had been something we both seemed to avoid. After that night concluded I thought maybe it was the start of something. Nope. If anything, until we talked about it (which literally occurred last week, more than a month afterward) it was almost this weight on our shoulders. I could distinctly feel through our conversations, when she'd avoid the topic, that perhaps she regretted her actions. It annoyed me because she probably looked at it as a way of keeping me within arms reach....and it ****ing worked.

 

When people say to avoid intimate contact with your ex after the breakup I now know why. It creates this alternative reality of one person looking too far into it. With my scenario, the disadvantage of kissing her that one night is this feeling that, if we meet again,she'll purposely avoid anything resembling a kiss. So in that sense, we've actually taken a step back. Its why friends with benefits never works unless it is a prelude to a relationship. You can't stay in one neutral spot forever. Either you move forward or backwards.

 

I have a basic concept for determining whether your ex is wanting to get back together, or just playing games. Think back to the moment before you two were dating -- when she was chasing you, and you her. What were her actions, phone/text habits, etc.? When I think back to my ex, before we dated she literally couldn't go more than two/three days without texting or calling me. And every weekend she'd want us to do something together. Until we reach that stage, which we haven't, then I'll know she's playing games. Keep this in mind.

 

Good luck, broham.

[Mary1977]

Actions DO speak louder than words - but you just have to be aware that some people are very very good at acting ;-).

 

We could all be cynical and say 'she's only trying to get you back because she can see you are slipping away' and maybe that's right, but then again maybe that is wrong. No body can no for sure, we don't have a crystal ball - and that is why the future is the great unknown.

 

Just be true to yourself, that's all you can do. Respect yourself too and don't let her give you the run around. If you want to give it a second chance, then you have to be willing to let yourself be vulnerable again - that's the only way it has a chance of working. And yes, that also means that you are allowing yourself the chance to be hurt again. It's when you do that time and time again with the same person that you have to look at yourself and consider whether you are on the right path. Just don't let fear stop you doing something.

 

Just be sure she isn't game playing, communication is vital and whilst in the interim period of 'deciding' what to do, or determining what is going on....DO NOT give up on the life you have forged for yourself. Keep going out, keep your own life and see what happens. Miss Right may be just around the corner, you have to keep your eyes open!!

[Mustain2234]

Just be sure she isn't game playing, communication is vital and whilst in the interim period of 'deciding' what to do, or determining what is going on....DO NOT give up on the life you have forged for yourself. Keep going out, keep your own life and see what happens. Miss Right may be just around the corner, you have to keep your eyes open!!

You touch on an interesting issue (and I don't know if you meant to have them linked), but game playing and communication.

 

When my ex and I kissed in January, instead of asking what it meant immediately afterward I waited over a month to address the issue. It was obvious she wasn't interested in getting back together, but I had to learn the painful way through several weeks of NC. In this period, I was wracking my brain trying to decipher everything that happened that night instead of just simply calling her out. By not bringing it up, I essentially fell into her trap and only validated her feelings that the kiss meant nothing.

 

If she does something you're not sure of, it's best to talk about it and not hope it resolves itself.

[Art_Critic]

You have the advantage of hindsight CG.. use it...

 

If I remember this girl is pretty young ?.. do you think if you let her back in the door that the outcome will be any different than it was before ?

 

As a fly on the wall I woul have to say no.. you are both just not right for one another.

 

Enjoy the ego boost she gives you from the banging on the door and use it on another girl ...

 

Just my 2 pennies..

[Art_Critic]

P.S. Take the advice on your script trailer .....something about respect and a doormat.

 

Wise words.

 

Hi Rio... I agree with the quoted post... welcome back BTW

 

they always come back

[Mary1977]

If she does something you're not sure of, it's best to talk about it and not hope it resolves itself.

 

I think i should have used a full stop or semi colon after the game playing and before communication.

 

You are right, the only way to know for sure is to ask the person involved - yet it has to come from a 'good' place and not done in an aggressive or emotional way.

[2sunny]

wow Rio! long time no see...

 

CG- moving forward instead of back is always better. there's good reasons you didn't continue with her, no looking back!

 

what happened with the gal from the gym?

[westrock]

CaliGuy, I've always enjoyed reading your postings and know you're a big advocate of NC, but I want to suggest a different option for you to consider.

She sounds remorseful but so far isn't literally banging my door down. I really want to see that before I even think of giving her a second chance. Actions speak so much louder than words.

I often wonder why people set up a threshold to giving a 2nd chance so high that it's bound to fail (eg. they have to be "banging my door down" literally). I think it's because the dumpee is afraid of getting hurt again (understandable) but more importantly it's a defence mechanism because the dumpee still has lessons to learn from the prior experience. I believe a better approach is to actually lower one's threshold to giving a 2nd chance (eg. if dumper shows remorse), but be more prepared yourself in dealing with the issues and the possible outcomes.

 

You seem to have more experience and good advice than most around here, so why do you feel you need such a high threshold?

 

After all, what assurances do I have that she won't do it to me again?

 

(none)

You're right. You don't have any assurances other than the same issues will come up again. There are no assurances for anything in life. What makes you think you can expect anything different here? However, what you can do is assure yourself that you will handle the situation differently no matter what happens and if she does "it to me again" this time you have better skills to handle the situation.

 

How have you have changed and what will you do differently this time around?

 

Best of luck.

[northstar1]

Ex at work is banging at my door (figuratively, not literally). Hesistant to open the door. Not sure she is 100% regretful. I have been going out on a lot of dates and having fun. She sounds remorseful but so far isn't literally banging my door down. I really want to see that before I even think of giving her a second chance. Actions speak so much louder than words.

 

Yes, I know the rules. Yes, I know all the advice I've been given. When the shoe is on the other foot, it's hard for me to distance myself emotionally from my OWN situations. Easier for me to give advice than take.

 

Let's hear your thoughts. I didn't really see this coming. Thought she was gone for good given that I think she moved in with the guy. Don't know if that is true.

 

Talk me out of listening to her. I miss her but I don't want to go through that again. After all, what assurances do I have that she won't do it to me again?

 

(none)

 

Is this the 22 year old flake at work ?

 

Why would you want her back, other than for validation?

[CaliGuy]

I don't know what you shouold do man, only you know how you feel and what you want. I guess my advice is to tread lightly and be careful. Think this through and don't rush back into anything. Good luck my friend.

 

Thanks Fox. I know our situations were slightly different, but your advice is still awesome just the same. How are YOU doing? Any hot dates?

 

Cali, Cali -is this the *same* girl from three years ago????

 

Beautiful Rio, where have you been? We have missed you 'round these parts. No this isn't the same girl from three years ago (thank the Lord, her I would thumb my nose at because I KNOW she isn't a good fit), this is the one from my work. I'll explain a little more in Art's post below.

 

You have the advantage of hindsight CG.. use it...

 

If I remember this girl is pretty young ?.. do you think if you let her back in the door that the outcome will be any different than it was before ?

 

As a fly on the wall I woul have to say no.. you are both just not right for one another.

 

Enjoy the ego boost she gives you from the banging on the door and use it on another girl ...

 

Just my 2 pennies..

 

 

Art I asked myself that same question, then I asked her. I'm waiting for her answer (the conversation got cut short yesterday). So I've given her some time to think. She knows that I can do with or without her as I made that extremely clear and that I would accept this a second time. She's either in for the long haul or don't waste my time.

 

As for other girls, my basket is FULL! LOL. I dunno if I can handle any more dates. I've been having a lot of fun and really have a lot of options. There is something that this ex from work and I share in common and that is our faith. That is also one (of the many) things she felt she lost when we split. The guy she was seeing is not a believer and it's been pushing at her for a while.

 

She's tried knocking on the door several times but my answer was always, in a polite way "P*ss off you bloody sod!" (sorry, I love Monty). This has been over the course of the last 3 months or so, so it's not like she hasn't tried before. This time though, she's coming hard and heavy.

 

wow Rio! long time no see...

 

CG- moving forward instead of back is always better. there's good reasons you didn't continue with her, no looking back!

 

what happened with the gal from the gym?

 

Ah the gal from the gym. Former and now current Fiancé plopped a 25k engagement ring on her to replace the crappy one she had so now they are re-engaged. Funny thing, when she told me about it my only reaction was "Hah. That's all it took huh? A little bling? Well at least I know where your heart is...." lol. She did NOT like that but it's exactly how she acted.

 

What's with the immature girls. Must be something in California's water... Haha.

[northstar1]

Thanks Fox. I know our situations were slightly different, but your advice is still awesome just the same. How are YOU doing? Any hot dates?

 

 

 

Beautiful Rio, where have you been? We have missed you 'round these parts. No this isn't the same girl from three years ago (thank the Lord, her I would thumb my nose at because I KNOW she isn't a good fit), this is the one from my work. I'll explain a little more in Art's post below.

 

 

 

 

Art I asked myself that same question, then I asked her. I'm waiting for her answer (the conversation got cut short yesterday). So I've given her some time to think. She knows that I can do with or without her as I made that extremely clear and that I would accept this a second time. She's either in for the long haul or don't waste my time.

 

As for other girls, my basket is FULL! LOL. I dunno if I can handle any more dates. I've been having a lot of fun and really have a lot of options. There is something that this ex from work and I share in common and that is our faith. That is also one (of the many) things she felt she lost when we split. The guy she was seeing is not a believer and it's been pushing at her for a while.

 

She's tried knocking on the door several times but my answer was always, in a polite way "P*ss off you bloody sod!" (sorry, I love Monty). This has been over the course of the last 3 months or so, so it's not like she hasn't tried before. This time though, she's coming hard and heavy.

 

 

 

Ah the gal from the gym. Former and now current Fiancé plopped a 25k engagement ring on her to replace the crappy one she had so now they are re-engaged. Funny thing, when she told me about it my only reaction was "Hah. That's all it took huh? A little bling? Well at least I know where your heart is...." lol. She did NOT like that but it's exactly how she acted.

 

What's with the immature girls. Must be something in California's water... Haha.

 

I dont mean to be a cynic, but will this shared faith prevent her from straying again?

Come on man, I get the ego boost from having an ex come back, and the fact she's 22............but after all the years of advice on pride, dignity and being a priority vs an option, why would you possibly let her back in?

 

She's 22. Like most that age, she doesn't know what she wants. Sure, for a few months, you might have your fun, then something else will come along and she'll pull the same routine.

[Trialbyfire]

Trust and respect. Can these be rebuilt? You decide.

[CaliGuy]

I dont mean to be a cynic, but will this shared faith prevent her from straying again?

Come on man, I get the ego boost from having an ex come back, and the fact she's 22............but after all the years of advice on pride, dignity and being a priority vs an option, why would you possibly let her back in?

 

She's 22. Like most that age, she doesn't know what she wants. Sure, for a few months, you might have your fun, then something else will come along and she'll pull the same routine.

 

Heh, she is 23 now (I know, not much of a difference). I think she's learned a lot. We share a common bond through faith. I don't know if that's enough to stop her from straying but I know just taking her back right away will not create the sort of value to keep her from doing it again. I've made it clear that she needs to EARN her way back into my life. If she's willing to put the work in to regain the trust then maybe.

 

Why would I let her back in? That's something I am pondering now and haven't answered it quite yet.

 

Trust and respect. Can these be rebuilt? You decide.

 

Again that is something that will take some time to figure out. I'm not in a hurry, that's for sure. Like I said earlier, my basket is full. She knows I am neither desperate or in a hurry to rush back in to something that may just repeat itself.

 

And yes, it is an ego boost but not a necessary one. All the interest I am receiving now from other women is doing that for me

[wowIlose]

Ex at work is banging at my door (figuratively, not literally). Hesistant to open the door. Not sure she is 100% regretful. I have been going out on a lot of dates and having fun. She sounds remorseful but so far isn't literally banging my door down. I really want to see that before I even think of giving her a second chance. Actions speak so much louder than words.

 

Yes, I know the rules. Yes, I know all the advice I've been given. When the shoe is on the other foot, it's hard for me to distance myself emotionally from my OWN situations. Easier for me to give advice than take.

Let's hear your thoughts. I didn't really see this coming. Thought she was gone for good given that I think she moved in with the guy. Don't know if that is true.

 

Talk me out of listening to her. I miss her but I don't want to go through that again. After all, what assurances do I have that she won't do it to me again?

 

(none)

 

I know the feeling.

 

You mentioned you were dating a lot of new women and that your basket is full. I completely understand the desire to try again with an EX but I can't imagine going back if I had a lot of new options, it is usually the lack of options that makes me want to go back to my ex.

 

If you do decide to let her back in your life (make sure she works for it..) then I would recommend keeping one foot out the door and keeping your "basket" full. That way if it doesn't work out you can bounce back quickly.

 

Just out of curiosity what has she been doing that has given you the above impression?

[movingonandon]

It's a strange issue though with exes and this power struggle between the dumper and dumpee. I feel, as a dumpee, that the responsibility lies on the dumper to initiate any second chances. And not this, "oh, I'm going to play games and give you all the signs that I'm interested; but you're going to have to be the one to give the push" type of crap. I believe if someone is strong willed enough to dump their boyfriend/girlfriend, they should be willing to accept the role reversal that comes with asking for a second chance.

 

 

I think this tidbit here is very important. I went through the same process with my ex who did the "oh, I'm going to play games and give you all the signs that I'm onterestedes, but you're going to be the one to give the push" stuff. I resisted, so we didn't come back together, and it is probably for the better - a few weeks later she reversed course (again!), and said that she loves that other dude after all. So, I figure that if I wasn't guarded and did actually take her back, the problems would have surfaced again.

Of course, I could be wrong. For example - I could have taken her back and lovingly reassured her that I love her etc., at which point maybe things could have been different???

[not_a_happy_camper]

I know the feeling.

 

You mentioned you were dating a lot of new women and that your basket is full. I completely understand the desire to try again with an EX but I can't imagine going back if I had a lot of new options, it is usually the lack of options that makes me want to go back to my ex.

 

 

This is slightly unrelated, but my two pence on this............

 

I was dumped just over three months ago. Only in the last 6 weeks have I begun to get back out there. I was always pretty shy before meeting my ex, and didn't do dating as such. But in the last 6 weeks I have had PLENTY of male attention! Ego boost all round! I never had that before...........my ex always told me how attractive I was, that I probably had loads of guys after me, but I didn't realise it because I didn't believe it. He made me believe it. And I've been turning people down the last few weeks! I too, like the OP, have lots of options................knowing this, and knowing that if I never ever get back with my ex, I will always have other options and opportunities...............doesn't mean I want to wipe him out of the picture. I want him back. It's ok having plenty of options. But when there's one person you really care about..........That's all those other people are. Options!

[paperchase]

I don't know all the details of your story. How long were you together. How long was the break-up. What caused it. Also, since you work with her I assume NC was not an option which is interesting because many on here think that some contact is important to make sure your ex doesn't forget about you. Your ex has seen you actually move on with a degree of success and possibly this intrigues her.

 

Anyway, I haven't heard about an ex banging down any doors yet. Even if they wre contrite I still don't believe it would happen because of the history. It's not like when they were courting you. There's pride and all types of feelings in the way. But they definitely should initiate and it sounds like that's what has happened in your case.

 

I agree with the poster who said to keep your options open. When you have options, you always have leverage. It sounds bad, but I think the minute you put all your eggs in one basket you become too vulnerable and it shows. This vulnerability is not attractive and it's why women chase the next challenge. I'm a skeptic because I just got dumped and I'm jaded because I had lots of options before I jumped in the deep end with a woman who broke my heart and is now with someone else.

 

You mentioned faith. Well I'm a proponent of couples counseling. I think if someone did you wrong and really wants to try to reconcile it's important to get a neutral third party so you can discuss the past, present and future. That's a close to reassurances that you might ever get. Good luck.

[Trialbyfire]

I'm going to throw out something which might offend but is also something to consider within yourselves.

 

IF it's now all about pride and ego, did you honestly care enough in the first place?

[movingonandon]

I'm going to throw out something which might offend but is also something to consider within yourselves.

 

IF it's now all about pride and ego, did you honestly care enough in the first place?

 

 

It is not all about pride and ego, but what constitutes sufficient reassurance that the effort is sincere and and worth exploring and the risk of a 2nd chance. Everybody will have different tresholds for that - for some, just having an ex coming back wil be sufficient, others - like me - could have maybe unreasonable expectations. Nobody could answer this for us, but there is no need to judge it as pride as it does not mean that you don't care about the ex in question - i know I do, and so do most people.

[kizik]

Everyone here is right. She has no clue what she wants. Sounds like playing with fire. The best advice I can give is to get strength by re-reading your own posts.

 

-kiz

[Mustain2234]

I'm going to throw out something which might offend but is also something to consider within yourselves.

 

IF it's now all about pride and ego, did you honestly care enough in the first place?

I'm going to throw out something which might offend but is also something to consider within yourselves.

 

IF it's now all about pride and ego, did you honestly care enough in the first place?

I can't answer for caliguy, but I feel pride and ego is important because if I'm the one to initiate any sort of second chance between the ex and myself -- and am rejected -- then that's two times I have felt that pain. What exactly is she fearing -- that, even though I've continued talking to her for over a year, and we've talked about us possibly getting back together before, that I'll reject her? I know you can flip that around and ask me that same question, but honestly, should that be my obligation?

 

I always look at these issues from a role reversal position. If I were to break up with a girl, would I expect her to be the one to initiate something again? Of course not. in fact, if I wasn't interested I'd think it was a little pathetic. Of course, woman may think differently; but I have to believe the principle is the same.

 

When I think about this topic further, I say to myself -- I have hung out with my ex and her friends, on HER territory (meaning the bar she frequently goes to), and I know damn well they're probably thinking their friend, my ex, is possibly leading me on. Or worse, I'm pathetic for sticking around. If I'm willing to endure this, even once, then she doesn't have any leverage. And if she is worried about her precious ego being taken a notch after it has been perched up for so long, then I guess we're not meant to be together.

 

Movingonandon gave a good example -- if they're expecting us to pursue and we don't, and then they proceed to move on to another guy, it probably wouldn't have worked out anyways.

 

Whenever it seems like everything is hopeless, I think about this girl I know who's a year younger than me. She has dated the same guy, off and on, for over four years. Literally, it has gone like this -- they dated for a year, broke up for a year and a half (both dated other people), got back together for several months, broke up for a year, and now are back together again. It defies all logic. If two people are meant to be together, they find a way.

 

I wholeheartedly believe that people get back together -- but we're looking to the wrong venue for proof. Sometimes reading this board is downright depressing. It's like any other special interest forum such those involving acne or hairloss. You'd think 100% of the population has it going by the posters. And those who do better themselves don't stick around.