I cheated myself and cheated on him

[lostsoulmate]

But of course. very convenient for you.

 

 

No actually, it was not convenient. It is not like I went looking for someone to fill the void I have in my life where I live. I met up with a long time friend who is an ex to help me through a tough part of my life. Things happened. I take responsibility for my actions. They were wrong.

[Dexter Morgan]

No actually, it was not convenient. It is not like I went looking for someone to fill the void I have in my life where I live. I met up with a long time friend who is an ex to help me through a tough part of my life.

 

An X?? Come on. You knew what you were doing. The last person I'd ever go to if I was having problems with a SO or spouse is an X. Even if nothing would happen, going to an X was highly disrespectful in the first place.

 

 

 

Things happened.

 

s##t happens, it just happened....could happen to anyone....

 

No, it didn't just "happen". You did it because you wanted to.

 

With an attitude like "it just happened", well then guess what....it can just "happen" later in the future. Because to imply it didn't happen is to imply you had no control.

 

You admit it was wrong and thats admirable, but there aren't alot of cheaters out there that won't admit say it was right. But to say you didn't go looking for it, well, that might be true if you hadn't looked up an X. If you aren't seeking comfort from another man, then you don't seek out support from another man, much less an X.

[lostsoulmate]

An X?? Come on. You knew what you were doing. The last person I'd ever go to if I was having problems with a SO or spouse is an X. Even if nothing would happen, going to an X was highly disrespectful in the first place.

 

You assume a lot. You know what happens when you ASSUME, right?

 

I didn't go to my ex because of the problems I was having in my relationship. In one week my step-mother almost died (almost bleed to death), my grandfather kidneys shut down (to 35% working) and they flew my grandmother (his wife) to a larger town to have open heart surgery.

 

I had to drive 14 hours home to be with all of them, by myself. My fiance wouldn't come with me. After being at the hospital for 11 hours I went to another friends house, he was there (I hadn't seen him in 6 years, we talk every other month or so). We ended up the last two awake...

[Dexter Morgan]

You assume a lot. You know what happens when you ASSUME, right?

 

Well what part of you going to an X in your own words did I not understand?

 

 

I didn't go to my ex because of the problems I was having in my relationship. In one week my step-mother almost died (almost bleed to death), my grandfather kidneys shut down (to 35% working) and they flew my grandmother (his wife) to a larger town to have open heart surgery.

 

And for all of that i am truly sorry

 

 

I had to drive 14 hours home to be with all of them, by myself. My fiance wouldn't come with me. After being at the hospital for 11 hours I went to another friends house, he was there (I hadn't seen him in 6 years, we talk every other month or so). We ended up the last two awake...

 

sounds like you are changing up here...this is what you said:

 

"I met up with a long time friend who is an ex to help me through a tough part of my life"

 

You said you "met up" with him TO "help [you] through a tough part in your life"

 

Now you are making it look like he just happened to be there.

 

Either way, I forget if you did or not, but when are you going to come clean with your fiance?

[lostsoulmate]

 

sounds like you are changing up here...this is what you said:

 

"I met up with a long time friend who is an ex to help me through a tough part of my life"

 

You said you "met up" with him TO "help [you] through a tough part in your life"

 

Now you are making it look like he just happened to be there.

 

Either way, I forget if you did or not, but when are you going to come clean with your fiance?

 

I met up with him at my long time girlfriends house (whose husband happens to be my ex's best friend). I didn't change up what I said. You read between the lines too much. I have nothing to hide from any of you here at LS.

 

My fiance gets his hair cut from his ex every three weeks or so. Stops by her house, she has been to our house. Is he being disrespectful to me? I don't chose his friends.

 

And no I have not, nor will I ever tell him.

[carhill]

Realities left unsaid are revealed in other ways. TBH, if you were to walk away, perhaps non-disclosure would be best, since there would be no future to consider and no benefit to either party.

 

If you stay, the actions and thoughts shared here will color the dynamic, regardless of disclosure. If you do not disclose and come back to LS in two years, married to this fiance and in a healthy relationship, I will happily apologize for my lack of insight and poor understanding. I hope you do

[lostsoulmate]

Realities left unsaid are revealed in other ways. TBH, if you were to walk away, perhaps non-disclosure would be best, since there would be no future to consider and no benefit to either party.

 

If you stay, the actions and thoughts shared here will color the dynamic, regardless of disclosure. If you do not disclose and come back to LS in two years, married to this fiance and in a healthy relationship, I will happily apologize for my lack of insight and poor understanding. I hope you do

 

Carhill-

I hope I do too. If it doesn't work out, that seems like the path I have been on until now. Nothing is easy, nothing is hard. Nothing just is. I think you have shown much insight, I can't say if you understand or not. That's up to you. But thank you for your opinion, I respect that you have one.

[Dexter Morgan]

I met up with him at my long time girlfriends house (whose husband happens to be my ex's best friend). I didn't change up what I said. You read between the lines too much. I have nothing to hide from any of you here at LS.

 

You stated it as you went to see him for the sole purpose of getting help for your situation, but then said he just happened to be there.

 

But I don't really care which it was, its irrelevant to what you really should do which is not keep it from him. I mean you are about ready to take a serious plunge here and you are already cheating. Trust me, I know a good bit about a situation like this as it mimicks mine almost to a T.

 

 

My fiance gets his hair cut from his ex every three weeks or so. Stops by her house, she has been to our house. Is he being disrespectful to me?

 

I would say so, but that is between you and him. But so far as you know, he didn't cheat on you with his X, you, on the other hand, did.

 

so what happens if you two get married and then later he finds out you boffed your X while you had his engagement ring on your finger?

 

And don't think he won't find out. He very well may never, but don't count on it.

 

If you are not even married and you are already cheating, you don't need to get married. Its a slap in the face to what marriage is all about and just wait til the 7 year itch sets in. If you can cheat now, just wait til later.

[lostsoulmate]

Trust me, I know a good bit about a situation like this as it mimicks mine almost to a T.

 

If you are not even married and you are already cheating, you don't need to get married. Its a slap in the face to what marriage is all about and just wait til the 7 year itch sets in. If you can cheat now, just wait til later.

 

What is your situation? Did you leave her? Did she leave you? Did you cheat?

 

You think I am a serial cheater. I am not. This was/is the only time.

[lostsoulmate]

What is your situation? Did you leave her? Did she leave you? Did you cheat?

 

You think I am a serial cheater. I am not. This was/is the only time.

 

DM-

 

Sorry. None of this is any of my business. I apologize.

 

I still am not a serial cheater.

[Dexter Morgan]

What is your situation?

 

She cheated while we were engaged, never told me. And because she never told me, she let me lead a life of a lie for 8 years.

And also she learned that she could get away with it......for a while anyway.

 

One day, an x-friend of hers ratted her out to me. Be careful who you piss off right? and she had a couple flings during the early years of our marriage too because she never suffered consequences of what she did.

 

 

Did you leave her?

 

yup

 

 

Did you cheat?

 

 

Nope

 

You think I am a serial cheater. I am not. This was/is the only time.

 

Uh, if you cheated before marriage, then what do you think is going to happen after the duldrums of marriage set in and you have been with the same old, same old guy for too long? If you can cheat during the early stages, then in the late stages it is only that more tempting.

 

In any case, you are robbing your fiance of a choice. He deserves to know. But what he deserves is probably of little concern to you.

[Dexter Morgan]

I still am not a serial cheater.

 

Lets assume that is true and you can be given the benefit of the doubt, what do you think he would say if you told him:

 

"I cheated one time, I'm not a serial cheater, so I deserve another chance"?

 

Are you scared he'll leave you?

[Ramrod]

You assume a lot. You know what happens when you ASSUME, right?

 

I didn't go to my ex because of the problems I was having in my relationship. In one week my step-mother almost died (almost bleed to death), my grandfather kidneys shut down (to 35% working) and they flew my grandmother (his wife) to a larger town to have open heart surgery.

 

I had to drive 14 hours home to be with all of them, by myself. My fiance wouldn't come with me. After being at the hospital for 11 hours I went to another friends house, he was there (I hadn't seen him in 6 years, we talk every other month or so). We ended up the last two awake...

 

I am sickened and repulsed by your refusal to accept any responsibility for your conscious decision making. I can't believe your going to instill your sense of personal accountability on another human being if left up to your own devices. Your daughter deserves a proper role model, not someone like you. I'm going to take a shower now. I feel dirty reading your posts.

[lkjh]

LSM, why wouldn't your fiance go with you on your trip? Was he working? Stop trying to blame everything your fiance.You messed up by meeting up with your Ex to discuss your issues. It doesn't matter if you randomly found him or if it was planned. Its plane and simple; if you want to work things out with your family then tell your bf. If not then split up. This is all apart of being a adult.

[lostsoulmate]

I am sickened and repulsed by your refusal to accept any responsibility for your conscious decision making. I can't believe your going to instill your sense of personal accountability on another human being if left up to your own devices. Your daughter deserves a proper role model, not someone like you. I'm going to take a shower now. I feel dirty reading your posts.

 

Ramrod,

Hope your shower helped. I do hold myself accountable. I am doing the right thing and working with my fiance to make it work. We both checked out. He admitted to me this weekend, that he didn't like competing with my past. He gave up and was waiting until I left him and moved home. He told me he couldn't believe I was still here. He told me he wasn't satisfied sexually with me. He now understands that not knowing me, who I am, who I used to be was the wrong way to go about keeping me here. He didn't realize that I knew everything about him, his life, his past, his friends, his family (because we live in his home town), and he has only met my friends, family, talked about to me about my pasted 5 or 6 times in 6 years. He told me he did want me to be someone other than who I was. He said my childhood and college years (I was wild) made him feel inadequate and scared. So he didn't want me to talk about my past. Which is why he just went on about his life and I stayed home to take care of the house, our daughter and work full-time (I am the bread-winner). He checked out, so did I.

 

Also, Ramrod, I am a great role model. I have come from the bowls of the street with a drug addicted mother, raised my younger brother (who is now also a college grad) to become the only girl in my family to have a college degree, own my own home, car and live a comfortable life. I have a triple major, triple minor. I also have a great job as a Director with the corporation I work for. I am a great mother, my daughter is well cared for. She is loved unconditionally. She is a very well adjusted, smart, beautiful child. I do understand everyone has their own opinions I respect that. I do however think you went to far. You may not agree with my decisions, but remember Ramrod... Ramrodding me won't get me to do what "you" think is the right thing!

[lostsoulmate]

LSM, why wouldn't your fiance go with you on your trip? Was he working? Stop trying to blame everything your fiance.You messed up by meeting up with your Ex to discuss your issues. It doesn't matter if you randomly found him or if it was planned. Its plane and simple; if you want to work things out with your family then tell your bf. If not then split up. This is all apart of being a adult.

 

He didn't want to go, that's all he said. Don't forget, his mother just died in November. She had just recently had heart surgery (which is what my grandmother was having). Can't say that I blame him. Now that he has told me he had checked out too. Things make more sense, why over the last two years, we both acted the way we have been.

 

We are working on making our relationship better. We had both admitted to each other why we feel the way we do now, and what actions, feelings, got us here. We are trying to find the root of the problem, then go from there. At least we are both trying.

 

Again, thank you to everyone for their opinions. I respect (not agree) with them all.

LostSoulMate

[lkjh]

Im sorry if this sounds cruel but you really need to wake up. Are you really ok with lying to your bf for the rest of your lives. He is gonna be apart of your life even if you break up. The two of you have a child.

 

Ok good, he came clean about his part and you continue to lie. You may be a good person but your decisions have been about yourself. These are decisions that are not best for a child. You can not build a new relationship on a lie. The only reason you will not confess is because you are a coward. You are not taking responsibility for your actions. At one point you compared sitting on another mans d*** to your bf getting his hair cut by his ex. You could have 50 degrees but that does not make you a good role model.

 

Look I wish you good luck but unfortunalty you are to fearful to do the right thing.

[lkjh]

You can not use him checking out as a excuse to bang another man. Judging by your posts and what you have told us, I think he was trying to say he checked out because you were headed for a train wreck. You have said he expected you to leave, you have had a tough past, that you have been very emotional lately, and you usually run from your problems. This can make it hard to live with you. You need to act like a big girl now. You may be smart but you are not acting smart.

[Dexter Morgan]

You can not use him checking out as a excuse to bang another man.

 

Well thats really all we are getting here isn't it? Excuses

[lostsoulmate]

You can not use him checking out as a excuse to bang another man. Judging by your posts and what you have told us, I think he was trying to say he checked out because you were headed for a train wreck. You have said he expected you to leave, you have had a tough past, that you have been very emotional lately, and you usually run from your problems. This can make it hard to live with you. You need to act like a big girl now. You may be smart but you are not acting smart.

 

He checked out because that was the easy way.

 

You think... thank you for your opinion.

 

Can is the operative word. Living the way we have been for years is hard. It takes two to make a living with someone difficult.

 

Acting like a big girl and trying "one" more time to make "us" work (like I haven't already) is acting smart.

[lkjh]

Well what are you doing different now? You are still lying and living only for yourself. Nothing has changed.

[Dexter Morgan]

Well what are you doing different now? You are still lying and living only for yourself. Nothing has changed.

 

but she says she is "trying".

 

Lying isn't trying.

[lostsoulmate]

Well what are you doing different now? You are still lying and living only for yourself. Nothing has changed.

 

Trying once again, now that he feels he has to, is not living for myself. I want out, the selfish thing to do would be to pack up and leave.

 

You see only one side. I am the cheater. Yep, I am.

[lostsoulmate]

but she says she is "trying".

 

Lying isn't trying.

 

You also only see one side, too. I am the cheater. Yep, I am.

[Dexter Morgan]

Trying once again, now that he feels he has to, is not living for myself. I want out, the selfish thing to do would be to pack up and leave.

 

As an x-BS, I'd say the selfish thing would be to stay with your mindset and lack of loyalty to him.

 

I'd rather my xW would have left me instead of wasting years of my life.