Author lostsoulmate Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 This part is confusing. Men everyday go through the S/O's pregnancy and birth ...only to love the child and then maybe LATER find out the child was not theirs . How MANY men would say " Oh that kid is not mine so I don't love him / her anymore " Very few. Most would admit to forging a bond from birth and likey STILL love the child although perhaps not legally obligated to support the child. My ex and his baby's momma were never an item. One night stand. So even if your guy was or was not the father I doubt he would forced a blood test because maybe it did not matter at the time. Yes later fathers order blood tests for various reasons but REALLY isnt this your ex 's problem ? Yes, it is his issue. But if we decided to stay together then, it would have been my issue too. Apparently it didn't matter to him at the time. That is why we broke up and I ran. I do agree you have a right to be happy. We all do. But its the manner in which you pick to BE happy. Not going to judge on the manner here because what is done is done.. Thank you for not judging. I have judged myself enough for everyone. Yes kids would rather live with one happy stable mom or dad than having them together throwing lamps and hating eachother... We don't quite throw lamps. I am too laid back for that. We do have arguements, the same arguement over and over. I want to be closer to my family, he won't move. I am staying for now. My fiance and I are trying to work through my issues. Because they are my issues, not his. He still tells me I should just be happy where ever "we" are. I tell him, it's the "we" I am worried about. He doubts that I am unhappy, he thinks I am just going through a phase. Only I can make my situation better, for now I am trying to keep my daughters' happiness my top priority. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 You need to tell him what you have done. Right now you are weak and you need to be honest. Once you start lying you will continue doing that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 You need to tell him what you have done. Right now you are weak and you need to be honest. Once you start lying you will continue doing that. He knows I am unhappy, getting something like the "one night with my ex" off my chest only hurts him more and makes me feel better. I will not do that. We, for now, are not getting married. We have postponed that until this works or not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 I don't think he is your soul mate. How can you believe that when this guy cheated on you and got another woman pregnant while you were together? I believe you are still in denial, and it is your desperation which makes you cling on to the fantasy that he is your soul mate. He didn't cheat on me. We had been dating for 3 weeks when she left him a letter telling him she was having his baby (from a one night stand). I am not in denial anymore. I accept that I have had feelings for him all these years. You also need to accept that you have responsibilities to your daughter's well being. It is not just about your happiness. Put your daughter first. Why did you even get engaged to your fiance and have a child if your loyalty to him could change so suddenly over one trip back home? I realized on that trip home that I was in denial about my life. Trying to pretend to be happy and be who my fiance "wanted me to be". I am working on finding myself, while trying to make things work where I am. My daughters' happiness trumps my own, but I can still question my life and try to be more happy. I can still want her to be close to my family. Whatever happens, you should leave the child with your fiance if you end up leaving him. It is his daughter too, and he deserves to be happy also. The child deserves to be happy. You don't have the unconditional right to just turn everything upside down because you have a fantasy that your "ex" is still your soulmate. If I go home, it won't be because of my ex. I would move closer to my family. Have a support system. Not be alone. But for now, I am staying put. Like I said, I am working on "me" because that is where the problem lies. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 He knows I am unhappy, getting something like the "one night with my ex" off my chest only hurts him more and makes me feel better. I will not do that. We, for now, are not getting married. We have postponed that until this works or not. Wow, I just read this whole thread. It may be the young years longest, sickest pity party. I have a news flash for you Lostsoulmate, Your BF (lets stop then finace talk ok?) deserves to know that you gave your body to another man. I realize that it may seem terribly old fashioned, even anti new age, however, generally speaking men, are interrested in what their signifigant others do with their vagina's outside the relationship. I've heard that women are equally interested in what men do with their penis outside relationships too. Hard to believe eh? What you are doing to your BF is not just dishonest and immoral, it's putrid. Nothing you have written provides reasons for you treating him like a wallet with legs attached. You need to sit down and lay out the whole dismal mess and let your BF decide what he thinks is in his, and his childs best interests and begin working from that point. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 Wow, I just read this whole thread. It may be the young years longest, sickest pity party. Your violin is beautiful. Thank you for the lovely song. I love my heart bleeds for you. I have a news flash for you Lostsoulmate, Your BF (lets stop then finace talk ok?) deserves to know that you gave your body to another man. I realize that it may seem terribly old fashioned, even anti new age, however, generally speaking men, are interrested in what their signifigant others do with their vagina's outside the relationship. I've heard that women are equally interested in what men do with their penis outside relationships too. Hard to believe eh? I made a mistake. I know that. I have no excuse. What you are doing to your BF is not just dishonest and immoral, it's putrid. Nothing you have written provides reasons for you treating him like a wallet with legs attached. You need to sit down and lay out the whole dismal mess and let your BF decide what he thinks is in his, and his childs best interests and begin working from that point. I don't treat him like he is a wallet with legs. I am the bread winner in "our" family. Why do you think I shouldn't contribute to "our" childs' best interest? Thank you for your opinion, I respect that you have one. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 I don't treat him like he is a wallet with legs. I am the bread winner in "our" family. Why do you think I shouldn't contribute to "our" childs' best interest? Thank you for your opinion, I respect that you have one. OK, I get it. You did it. You were finding yourself and fixing yourself. You needed to feel loved. You needed to reconnect with the soulmate you ran away from. You have every right to do what you want to. If You or your BF would have been serious, and committed you wouldn't be a Baby Mamma he wouldn't be a Baby Daddy. You would be Mom and Dad. Now that you have made up your mind to lie and cheat, you need to live with the consequences. By the way, your technique of underlining everything you type just makes it harder to read, it doesen't add weight or importance to your words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 4, 2009 Author Share Posted February 4, 2009 OK, I get it. You did it. You were finding yourself and fixing yourself. You needed to feel loved. You needed to reconnect with the soulmate you ran away from. You have every right to do what you want to. If You or your BF would have been serious, and committed you wouldn't be a Baby Mamma he wouldn't be a Baby Daddy. You would be Mom and Dad. Now that you have made up your mind to lie and cheat, you need to live with the consequences. By the way, your technique of underlining everything you type just makes it harder to read, it doesen't add weight or importance to your words. I underlined inside the quote to keep my answer near the question. Thank you for letting me know it was hard to read I will no longer do that. I see lots of yous in your quote. For the first time in my life I am thinking about me and what it will take to make me happy. My entire life has been a crap shot... I am just glad to be standing and realizing that I have every right to be happy, so does my fiance. If I am not making him happy and he is not making me happy, then we need to move on. That is where we are. It is time for me to %$@& or get off the pot. I will be a better mother if I am happy. I am sorry you got hurt. Just remember everyones situation is different. You really don't know who I am, where I came from or what "our" relationship is really about. I still thank you for your opinion, and respect that you have one. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I hope your BF handles the situation well. I also hope he's able to take care of your daughter properly as he should be awarded full custody if he wants it. Most jurisdictions will not allow a parent to move a young child a prohibitive distance from the second parent lacking some sort of abuse that is not present here. I'm sorry I can't wish you well. It's my opinion that what you are doing is wrong in many ways. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Its ok to think about yourself, its just not ok to s*** on other people. Its not ok to drag your entire family down with you. Treating everyone else like they don't matter is nasty and horrible. You need to tell him, otherwise you are just acting in a disgusting selfish mannor. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Most of you think I am a horrible person, that may be true. I don't believe it. I made a mistake. I will live with it. I choose not to tell him because that wouldn't only hurt him and make me feel better. What I have chosen to do is try to figure out why I did it. Why am I unhappy as "me"? I talked to my fiance about going to MC. He said he would not spend money on that. I told him I thought he was giving up, like I already had. Then I took a different approach. I found a website from Larry Bilotta. There are some FREE resources there. Unbelievable! After reading the information provided I actually have hope. Hope that things can work for "us". "We" (or as most of you would say "I") don't have to break up our family. "We" can be happy, "we" just need to understand why the other one feels that way they do. I understand now. I understand why he was unhappy and why I was unhappy. I haven't felt as good as I do today in years. I don't think I need to fix our relationship anymore, "we" have to work on "me" and "him". That will help "us" make it. So I again say thank you to everyone that has posted here. I respect that everyone has an opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 We don't think you are a bad person. You are just doing bad things. I think you are someone who has changed your point of view several times since this thread has started just to fit your needs. Look, you stop saying I and replaced it with "we" but that doesn't mean you are no longer being selfish. There is no "we" until you come clean. You can not build a healthy relationship based off of a lie. Sort yourself out and come clean. Do not marry him until you can do this. There is no quick fix. Also, you can not use his happiness as a reason not to tell. You were not thinking of him or your daughter when you let another man inside of you. Doing the right thing is hard, thats just life. You can not hide from it. You can not build a new house on a old cracked foundation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 We don't think you are a bad person. You are just doing bad things. I think you are someone who has changed your point of view several times since this thread has started just to fit your needs. Look, you stop saying I and replaced it with "we" but that doesn't mean you are no longer being selfish. There is no "we" until you come clean. You can not build a healthy relationship based off of a lie. Sort yourself out and come clean. Do not marry him until you can do this. There is no quick fix. Also, you can not use his happiness as a reason not to tell. You were not thinking of him or your daughter when you let another man inside of you. Doing the right thing is hard, thats just life. You can not hide from it. You can not build a new house on a old cracked foundation. Yes, my point of view has changed many times in the last month. Feeling lost will do that to anyone. It wasn't to fit my needs, it was because my feelings were changing. They still are. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Doesn't my daughter deserve to know her family? Her grand-parents (my father and step-mother) her great grand-parents, her uncle, her aunts (my two sisters) their children (four cousins). The only family support we have here is my fiance's father. You don't need to be married to him in order for your daughter to know both sides of her family. He told me he knew from the beginning of our relationship that I would do "this" to him. "this" meaning move closer to my family. He said he has been waiting for it. What does that mean? Did he doom us from the beginning? No, your character doomed the two of you. He just predicted what he knew would happen(and no, you didn't cheat because he predicted it). Honestly, if thats the way he felt, don't know why he stayed in the relationship. I was brought up in a broken home, only we were never in the same place for more than six months, so my dad never knew where we were. I would like my fiance to move with me. We could try to make it work, I don't want to run to my ex. Yes, I did cheat. Yes, I took comfort for another man (who at one time was my lover and is now a friend). We have established N/C until I get "myself" figured out. So you are still considering marrying a man you have no passion for when you have all these feelings of wanting to get it somewhere else?? Please tell me you are not going to do this to your fiancee. Again, you don't need to be with him for your daughter to know both sides of the family. Thats what visitation for the fiancee is for. I'd say hell, let him have custody if he wants it, but I would gather you wouldn't do that. I am not a horrible person. I am trying to do what's best for me so I can do what's best for my daughter. Your fiancee needs to be factored in that equation too. If her parents aren't in love, what would I be teaching her? If her parents were happy and she spent part of her time with me and part of her time with her dad, wouldn't it would be better to have two happy homes, than one that was miserable? The latter would be best. I can attest to that having divorced my wife. I figure I have three options: #1- Fix my situation. #2- Change my situation. #3- Do nothing. #3 isn't an option. I'd opt for breaking off the engagement, and breaking up with your fiancee. Go to court and figure out visitation, support, etc. Thank you everyone for your point of views, even though some are harsh, and mean I accept that everyone has a right to have their own opinion. Harsh and "mean" words on an internet forum pale in comparison to what you did to your fiancee. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Harsh words, that I expect. I have every right to be happy. Yes, you do. What you don't have the "human" right to do is make your fiancee unhappy. And that will surely happen if you marry him. Maybe I don't know what I want. But I want to be able to figure it out. If my fiance is not trying to help me, then I deserve better. No, your fiancee does. You simply don't have passion for your fiancee. That isn't his fault. What is he suppose to do?? Somehow make you have more passion for him? Although everyone deserves to be happy(well, not everyone:rolleyes:)...you are the one that cheated....HE deserves better than that. I do want to be closer to my family. I do want my daughter to know them. I do not want a relationship with the OM right now. I am not moving closer to my family to be closer to him. I want to figure out myself. I can be selfish. I have the right to take care of myself and my daughter. Yes, but whatever you do, it would be highly despicable to move your daughter away from her father. And your family can still get to know your daughter, you don't need to be closer to them for that. Its real simple, the relationship your daughter has with her father trumps the relationship she has with her next of kin. So her father should be able to get more time with her than her cousins/grandparents/etc. Now however it ends up working is up to you. But moving her away from her father is even more selfish than the cheating itself. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 No, your character doomed the two of you. He just predicted what he knew would happen(and no, you didn't cheat because he predicted it). Honestly, if thats the way he felt, don't know why he stayed in the relationship. My character doomed the two of us. How? How do you know what kind of character I am? I cheated. I made a mistake, you consider that a character flaw? Ouch. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Most of you think I am a horrible person, that may be true. I don't believe it. I made a mistake. Cheating is not a mistake. You did it because you wanted to do it. Calling it a mistake is just an attempt to downplay what you did. I will live with it. I choose not to tell him because that wouldn't only hurt him and make me feel better. It may hurt, but it may just spark in him what needs to be done, get mad and decide to make the decision to end the relationship himself. Nothing hurt worse than the truth being kept from me only to find out years later and I felt like a big chunk of my life was a waste and a lie. And by me finding out, I did what I could have done a long time ago. You are denying him information to make decisions about his life. So far its all about you. I talked to my fiance about going to MC. MC is a joke if you are going to continue to lie and keep information from him. Unbelievable! After reading the information provided I actually have hope. Hope that things can work for "us". Well as long as you lie and withhold information, just about anything can work, if you call that working. "We" (or as most of you would say "I") don't have to break up our family. "We" can be happy, "we" just need to understand why the other one feels that way they do. I understand now. I understand why he was unhappy and why I was unhappy. I haven't felt as good as I do today in years. I don't think I need to fix our relationship anymore, "we" have to work on "me" and "him". That will help "us" make it. Ok, so are you saying that you no longer have the urge to be with another man? You can be faithful? Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 My character doomed the two of us. How? How do you know what kind of character I am? I cheated. And only a particular type of character will allow cheating to occur. I made a mistake, you consider that a character flaw? Ouch. No, I consider cheating a character flaw. Cheating isn't a mistake. As I said in my post above, you did it because you wanted to do it. It wasn't a mistake. Calling it a mistake is attempting to downplay it. making an error in your bank statement is a mistake. driving the wrong way in a one way street is a mistake. Cheating is not. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 And only a particular type of character will allow cheating to occur. No, I consider cheating a character flaw. Cheating isn't a mistake. As I said in my post above, you did it because you wanted to do it. It wasn't a mistake. Calling it a mistake is attempting to downplay it. making an error in your bank statement is a mistake. driving the wrong way in a one way street is a mistake. Cheating is not. Cheating is in my opinion a mistake. Everyone has a right to have an opinion. Thank you for sharing yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Mary3 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Actually I don't think cheating is a * mistake * not like forgetting to take your trash out on trash day. Cheating is a long, calculated ,all consuming ,risky endeavor that takes 2 people. Both have to be willing to cheat. Sometimes the cheaters involve 2 married couples and often time kids are involved. Everyone loses with a cheater . I ASK THIS AGAIN AND AGAIN TO CHEATERS : " Why do you cheat ? Why can't you END whatever you have , become SINGLE and then persue this person. Cheating is ALWAYS WRONG ! No excuse can assauge its pain it causes to the other party. Link to post Share on other sites
lkjh Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I agree, cheating is not a mistake! Its not like you just came by him and fell on his d***. Theres only one way you can get over this, and that is to tell the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 The inability to see "cheating" as a flaw in her character is indicitive of the OP's outlook and situation in general. Viewing cheating.. having sexual intercourse is a positive act. It takes involvement. Example, a persons parent is injured on a carnival ride. That person ignores that information and decides to ride on the ferris wheel. That's a considered decision. The OP made a considered decision and now wants to avoid responsibility by calling it an "accident". Even "accidents" have consequences. Which is moot in this situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lostsoulmate Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 The inability to see "cheating" as a flaw in her character is indicitive of the OP's outlook and situation in general. Viewing cheating.. having sexual intercourse is a positive act. It takes involvement. Example, a persons parent is injured on a carnival ride. That person ignores that information and decides to ride on the ferris wheel. That's a considered decision. The OP made a considered decision and now wants to avoid responsibility by calling it an "accident". Even "accidents" have consequences. Which is moot in this situation. I didn't call it an accident. I said I made a mistake. They are different. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Cheating is in my opinion a mistake. But of course. very convenient for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I agree, cheating is not a mistake! Its not like you just came by him and fell on his d***. Funny, that reminds me of this clip from The Last Boy Scout. The line starts at time 2:00 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ykHIXFp-Dc Link to post Share on other sites
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