He bought a motorcyle?

[amaysngrace]

Actually, I am happy with our conversation.

 

Never underestimate the power of effective communication.

[Lishy]

We didnt side track you LB, stop trying to pass the buck your bf side tracked you yet again, like he always does.

 

ANd yet again he has talked his way out of it

 

One other thing, a surprise is called a surprise as you do not expect it - He has told you so where is the surprise in that?

 

He is stone walling you and trying to keep you happy, he should just be honest but for some reason he cant!

[Shygirl15]

LB don't listen to people when they try to rain on your parade. You are the one who is in your relationship. You know what you and he share. You know what the future holds for you.

Very true. Do not feel guilty wanting to get married to him; there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. You have all the right reasons; you love him, want to spend the rest of your life with him, and that's how it should be. Some wonderful advices have been given here as well, but in the end, you're the one who knows your situation better than rest of us, so I trust you'll know what to pick from here and what not to.

 

I wouldn't read too much into this bike thing. Like others said, it's his money (at least for now, since you're not yet married), so.. give a little space, perhaps?

[Lauriebell82]

We didnt side track you LB, stop trying to pass the buck your bf side tracked you yet again, like he always does.

 

ANd yet again he has talked his way out of it

 

One other thing, a surprise is called a surprise as you do not expect it - He has told you so where is the surprise in that?

 

He is stone walling you and trying to keep you happy, he should just be honest but for some reason he cant!

 

And you know he is stonewalling me how???

 

I trust him to know that he isn't stone walling me or lying to me, not about soemthing that important.

 

And he didn't WANT to tell me, however I asked him flat out if he was ready to get married because I wanted an answer as to whether or not it was going to be 2 years. So if anyone is to blame for that it's me. I just wanted to know where he was and I found out so I feel better. I told him that it could still be a surprise, because I won't know when the proposal will happen. So he did not completely ruin it for me.

 

None of you were there or have any proof/idea that he is lying so stop thinking that you do.

[Lishy]

LB, I do not have time to multiquote what you yourself have said time after time but you are a walking contradiction

 

You do the same thing every time

 

1. complain about your bf not asking you to marry him

2. say he is not ready to get married why wont he be honest

3. Talk to him and he feeds you what you want to hear

4. say you are happy now you have spoken to him

5. start all over again a month later as his words did not follow through with actions

 

He leads you on then lets you down LB, you dont feel like you do for no reason you know.

[hotgurl]

LB, I do not have time to multiquote what you yourself have said time after time but you are a walking contradiction

 

You do the same thing every time

 

1. complain about your bf not asking you to marry him

2. say he is not ready to get married why wont he be honest

3. Talk to him and he feeds you what you want to hear

4. say you are happy now you have spoken to him

5. start all over again a month later as his words did not follow through with actions

 

He leads you on then lets you down LB, you dont feel like you do for no reason you know.

 

LB,

 

Lishy is right this is the pattern of your posts. You will be back here in Dec posting the very same thing if something doesn't change.

 

it seems like everything he does you anaylize it for hints sa to whether it means he'll propose or not.

 

Are you enjoying your relationship at this point. because right now it seems like you are so hung up on whether he'll propose or not that is all you thinking about.

 

here is my two cents.

 

relax, put marriage out of your mind don't talk or think about it for 3 months or so. If he brings it up say I am not talking about marriage right now because it upsets me/makes me anxious,

 

and enjoy him. You love him, you love being with him and doing things with him or else you wouldn't want to marry him. Just enjoy your relationship. being together. because ultimatly that is what marriage is about being together and building a life together.

[JamesM]

LB, I think what usually happens is that you tell us your doubts and issues. So when you are angry and doubting your BF, then you post it here instead of verbalizing it to said BF.

 

Then you get responses here that reflect what you post, and the responses may not actually be appropriate for your situation. However, the people here can only respond to what you say.

 

After having read many of your posts, I seem to have a feel for what you are like. I do think that your threads about your BF are started because you are unsure if what he is doing or saying is really a good thing. I understand this feeling, and it isn't always bad.

 

What I think would be very good for your relationship is open communication about your doubts to your BF first. He is the best one to tell you what he thinks. Then you will have to take that information and decide if you can trust it and if it actually is what is good for your long term relationship.

 

While I can give opinions on the good conversation that you had with him, this would again be based solely one the words that you used to convey the content and tone of that conversation. If we had a thread or post from him giving his details, then the ones who respond may actually have a completely different opinion. (And never forget...everyone who posts including me, give responses and opinions based on THEIR own experiences.)

 

As for being contradictory here, that can be expected when we type emotional posts. This is normal for all of us. What we perceive one day may actually change (shock--shock) by the time we post the next day. So, contradictions don't always mean confusion. The facts as we knew them yesterday may be different today because of new information we learned.

 

It seems that your boyfriend is NOT in a hurry to marry you, but this does not mean he does not WANT to marry you. Personally, if I lived with a woman for two years (knowing my personality), then to marry her would be harder simply because I am a routine kind of guy. And if something works the way it is, why change it? This does not mean I don't want marriage, but the fear of change and what may result could keep me from actually going through with marriage. And it is true...he wants you, but by living with you he HAS you. With marriage, what will change for him?

 

So, IMO, the one thing that needs work in your relationship is...trust and open communication. While it is good to communicate your frustrations and feelings, it also is better to learn to trust him when he says something. Unless he has shown to be untrustworthy, then I think you should trust him.

 

Love him each and every day. Decide...which is more important: Being with him or being married?

[Trialbyfire]

So, IMO, the one thing that needs work in your relationship is...trust and open communication. While it is good to communicate your frustrations and feelings, it also is better to learn to trust him when he says something. Unless he has shown to be untrustworthy, then I think you should trust him.

 

Love him each and every day. Decide...which is more important: Being with him or being married?

I agree with this except in a more cynical way. He's an adult. You have to let him either come through smelling like roses or frack it up.

 

Without trust and open communication, there's no foundation for a viable relationship. If you need to talk to him about something. Do it. Never be afraid of loss or you end up being bent around like a pretzel and ultimately unhappy.

[Lauriebell82]

I agree with this except in a more cynical way. He's an adult. You have to let him either come through smelling like roses or frack it up.

 

Without trust and open communication, there's no foundation for a viable relationship. If you need to talk to him about something. Do it. Never be afraid of loss or you end up being bent around like a pretzel and ultimately unhappy.

 

Right, that's exactly what I did last night and feel much better. And I do trust him that he isn't just feeding me B.S. lines to make me happy. Last night was the most open communication we have had. (about marriage anyway) It felt good just to open up to him and tell him my frustrations. And in return he was very understanding and did not get mad or make me feel that I was wrong for wanting to get married. It was nice. And while I have no idea when he will propose, I feel better after sharing my feelings about it with him and also hearing what he had to say.

 

Despite what anyone else thinks, I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting to get married, nor do I think 2 1/2 years is not a long time. I realize it's not 4-5 years, but personally I think that is too long to wait for someone. We are on the same page about marriage/engagement (which I didn't actually think we were) so now I just have to sit back and wait for it to happen (which I'm not particularly good at.) But he said he understood how I was feeling and he didn't wnat me to have any anxiety or resentment because he wanted to make it a wonderful moment for both of us.

[norajane]

I dunno. I think we've been hearing LB worry for so long about getting married that it's making us come up with all kinds of stuff to explain his delay, when, really, she graduated very recently and they moved in together only months ago so there hasn't really been a delay. Things actually have been progressing in their relationship over the past year as their circumstances have changed.

 

I honestly don't think he's stringing her along. In fact, I think he is going to propose soon. I don't think he's lying about having her proposal all planned and knowing when it will happen - I think it will be soon. Who plans a proposal and knows how he's going to do it a year or two ahead of time? He won't be able to hold off now that he's got it all figured out.

 

While I agree they're both a bit immature in the way they handle their relationship, they ARE young and immature! Very few people marry when they are mature and perfectly well-adjusted human beings who know how to handle relationships perfectly! If I could make one recommendation to LB it's to have these "no holds barred, everything on the table" discussions right away instead of waiting until she's spun herself into a miserable tizzy before voicing her fears to him. Break the pattern!

 

I think LB has ants in her pants about needing to know when he's going to propose, and I think he's got a bug up his ass about needing it to be a surprise so they're both driving each other crazy. That is all.

[Lishy]

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to get married LB,but you are obsessed with it, like you think it will make your life complete and it wont!

 

The problem is that you and your ex are NOT on the same page regarding marriage and I could bet that if you had never mentioned it to him he would not propose.

 

In my eyes he is not being fair to you and is paying you lip service when you stress at him for a happy life. I do think he loves you and wants to be with you but I dont think he wants to get married yet and you are pressurising him into it and that will have a bad ending LB.

 

He says he does not want you to be anxious about it and you have been on at him for a year about when he will propose so why hasnt he done it yet?

 

This time last year you were convinced he would propose at xmas cos he hinted he would

 

He is not being fair

[norajane]

If we had a thread or post from him giving his details, then the ones who respond may actually have a completely different opinion. (And never forget...everyone who posts including me, give responses and opinions based on THEIR own experiences.)

 

Hi LS, first time poster. I've never asked for advice on an internet forum and it's not my thing, but I have this problem with my gf and I'm hoping to get some opinions.

 

I love this girl and we've been dating for 2 and 1/2 years. We're in our mid-20's. It was long distance for a while, but we've been living together for the past few months. I have a good career and passed my CPA exam last year. She's just getting her career started since graduating from school recently.

 

I want to marry her and I have the proposal all planned out for next spring - it will be in the place we had our first date. The thing is, I really want this to be a surprise, but she's been driving me crazy all along about getting married. Every time the subject of weddings comes up, she gives me the third degree about whether I really want to marry her and when I'm going to propose. She keeps showing me rings she wants in catalogs and gets all upset when I don't give her a ring for her birthday or Christmas or something. I get her really nice gifts, too! Diamond earrings, jewelry boxes.

 

This time, she got upset because I bought a motorcycle and thought that meant I didn't want to marry her, and that I'm just stringing her along so I can keep getting the milk for free instead of buying the cow. WTF? Cows? Milk? Man, we moved in together as soon as she moved back into town, and we spend a lot of time together. Yeah, I do like to spend time with my friends and she's a little lonely because she doesn't have any friends here now, but how does that translate to me not wanting to marry her? Why is she so insecure?

 

I've already told her that I want to marry her, but I don't want to tell her when I will propose as that will ruin the surprise. Do you think she doesn't trust me?

 

Should I just propose now because she really wants it now, or should I stick to my plan and surprise her with a romantic proposal like I planned?

[Lauriebell82]

There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to get married LB,but you are obsessed with it, like you think it will make your life complete and it wont!

 

The problem is that you and your ex are NOT on the same page regarding marriage and I could bet that if you had never mentioned it to him he would not propose.

 

In my eyes he is not being fair to you and is paying you lip service when you stress at him for a happy life. I do think he loves you and wants to be with you but I dont think he wants to get married yet and you are pressurising him into it and that will have a bad ending LB.

 

He says he does not want you to be anxious about it and you have been on at him for a year about when he will propose so why hasnt he done it yet?

 

This time last year you were convinced he would propose at xmas cos he hinted he would

 

He is not being fair

 

I didn't pressure him into anything. I told him my feelings on it, but I in no way pressured him or told him that he had to propose. Actually it was kind of the opposite, more like he was trying to assure me.

 

You are right that I have been on him for a year. Last xmas he def. was not ready for marriage and completely deluded myself into thinking that he was. He mentioned little things that had me thinking he was going to propose, so I tried to convince myself that they meant he was going to propose.

 

This xmas is DEF. different. He talked about proposals in October, looked at engagement rings, we have had conversations about marriage and our future. And although he might not propose for awhile yet, I think he is ready. (he told me flat out that he was)

[Lauriebell82]

Hi LS, first time poster. I've never asked for advice on an internet forum and it's not my thing, but I have this problem with my gf and I'm hoping to get some opinions.

 

I love this girl and we've been dating for 2 and 1/2 years. We're in our mid-20's. It was long distance for a while, but we've been living together for the past few months. I have a good career and passed my CPA exam last year. She's just getting her career started since graduating from school recently.

 

I want to marry her and I have the proposal all planned out for next spring - it will be in the place we had our first date. The thing is, I really want this to be a surprise, but she's been driving me crazy all along about getting married. Every time the subject of weddings comes up, she gives me the third degree about whether I really want to marry her and when I'm going to propose. She keeps showing me rings she wants in catalogs and gets all upset when I don't give her a ring for her birthday or Christmas or something. I get her really nice gifts, too! Diamond earrings, jewelry boxes.

 

This time, she got upset because I bought a motorcycle and thought that meant I didn't want to marry her, and that I'm just stringing her along so I can keep getting the milk for free instead of buying the cow. WTF? Cows? Milk? Man, we moved in together as soon as she moved back into town, and we spend a lot of time together. Yeah, I do like to spend time with my friends and she's a little lonely because she doesn't have any friends here now, but how does that translate to me not wanting to marry her? Why is she so insecure?

 

I've already told her that I want to marry her, but I don't want to tell her when I will propose as that will ruin the surprise. Do you think she doesn't trust me?

 

Should I just propose now because she really wants it now, or should I stick to my plan and surprise her with a romantic proposal like I planned?

 

Oh my gosh, give me a break.

[Lauriebell82]

I got all the help I need, thanks. I was actually happy, thanks A LOT.

[norajane]

Oh my gosh, give me a break.

 

Come on, LB...find your sense of humor. Life's a lot easier that way.

[Touche]

I'm just curious..what was so wrong about NJ's post? Is that not how your b/f would see it? Was it somehow inaccurate? If so, how? Is it so out of the question that he sees it that exact way?

 

And what do you think our advice to him would be?

[JamesM]

Oh my gosh, give me a break.

 

Actually, norajane did an excellent job of verbalizing what I think I would say if I was him. It was good.

 

One thing that we all as people don't do...we do not realize truly what is going on inside our spouse's head. I keep so much anger inside from my wife, and I know she does not realize it. While some people express feelings as they happen, others can keep the feelings under control knowing that these feelings will be resolved.

 

A saying I have heard is: "Don't let your feelings control you. You control your feelings." Such a simple cliche can actually be very useful in dealing with daily issues.

 

And I think I know what she is thinking (and because she verbalizes it better than I, I do), but still she has thoughts that she does not tell me.

 

So it is with your BF. He may actually have a lot of amusement inside regarding the engagement because he knows when it will happen. Funny thing is...his mother may know, too.

[Lishy]

I think NJ's post was excellent

 

Wow

 

And it would be a good idea to think about how you would answer it LB

[amaysngrace]

Wow

 

My apologies Lishy. I falsely assumed you were LBs BF when all the while it was really NJ.

[Star Gazer]

I thought NJ's post was a perfect summation as well. I'm not surprised that LB gaffed at it, but am definitely curious why LB thinks he'd say anything different.

[carhill]

I'll throw out a couple of phrases:

 

Path of least resistance

 

Sunshine, meet rectum

 

----------------

 

After a lifetime of experiencing both, I apologize to the OP in advance for my cynicism. OP, if you're still smiling after the holidays (the impetus of my challenge), I'll happily eat my crow

[amaysngrace]

I'll happily eat my crow

 

I sure hope he's not a valued family pet.

[2sunny]

his words are his words - they console you for the moment... we will see what his actions say in the future.

 

you have spent most of your two years here asking about his intentions and trying to manipulate him into actions he's unwilling to surrender to.

 

this is really no different than all the other scenarios of the past few years.

 

expect more of the same after you are married... does that spell happiness to you? for me, that would not be nearly enough of a healthy relationship to date much less get married.

[carhill]

I sure hope he's not a valued family pet.

Actually, a very valued and finicky carrion eater