Author skinman Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 What is she emailing you about? The kids or other stuff? If it's about the kids, email her back, but if it's personal, don't reply back. quote] Yes it is all about the kids... Its still doesn't relieve tha anxiety that I feel.. i was doing so good yesterday but today is a struggle..... I ma almost in tears sitting here at work at my desk.... Its tough to push the thoughts away.... Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Well everyone, some have read my posts about my sudden separation a few weeks back. Well on monday i got the email telling me to move on and there was no chance of marriage surviving and to leave her alone that she didnt want a relationship with me at all. Well in the past few days she has called 5 times discussing our girls stuff that wasn't necessary to call about. Isn't that a peach? Basically turns your world, and your kid's world upside down, but then calls you for small talk? My X did the same thing until I nipped it. I told her that unless she has anything to discuss with me regarding our kids, I didn't want to talk to her and that her need to keep in contact with me otherwise was ridiculous. Here I was doing good with not calling and emailing or any contact and now this.. I am so confused as to her motives ?? is she having second thoughts ? is she playing with my head ? i just dont know... any opinions would be appreciated... It is either one of two things, she is either just guilty as hell, or she realizes she may have screwed up and yes, she is playing with your head. I think you need to tell her that she didn't want you in marriage, quit acting like she cares now and leave you alone with the exception of communicating for the sake of your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Sorry, about my spellign and grammar. I wish they had spell check...one you didn't ahve to download! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 This is all about ups and downs one day, one hour, even one minute you feel this relief and you think OK, I just I'm going to be okay, then BAM the saddness, hopelessness, loneliness hits you like a ton of bricks. It comes in waves but soon enough the tidal waves will lesson and they will be easier to 'surf through'. Your doing great, Skin. The holiday's are going to be tough, but you'll get through them. Have you decided if you would be spending it with her as she asked a few days ago or no? I think you should do what's best for YOU, but keep in mind being alone won't be the best decision either. It's hard to imagine having a holiday where you are 'single' and it's hard to see that this is only temporary but it is and one day you will feel a whole lot better, regardless of how this turns out. Just keep positive like you are...you're on the right track! Thanks confused9, she took back the invitation the other night when we had a heated discussion.. so at this point I dont know... I want to go but it will be Darn tough sitting across from knowing what all she has said.... and done.... Being alone might be better at this point but my youngest is so looking forward to me coming...... Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Skinman, you too now have to dictate terms of how and when for the KIDS sake. She too has to endure the consequences of her actions. Not to say that be mean or a jack**s to her, but be very FIRM and let her know you mean business. Please keep the conversations strictly about the KIDS, it will help you in the long run in that it will keep her guessing why all of a sudden you are losing interest and becoming indiffent, plus it will help you heal emotionally from what you are enduring now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 Skinman, you too now have to dictate terms of how and when for the KIDS sake. She too has to endure the consequences of her actions. Not to say that be mean or a jack**s to her, but be very FIRM and let her know you mean business. Please keep the conversations strictly about the KIDS, it will help you in the long run in that it will keep her guessing why all of a sudden you are losing interest and becoming indiffent, plus it will help you heal emotionally from what you are enduring now. Thanks SRV, its tough to do though.. I want to have conversations like we used to just to hear her voice like before. I try and keep it to the girls but I always end up caving and start asking about other stuff. I know I need to stop, some days I am strong but then again like today I am a complete wreck... Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 You'll figure it out with the holiday's. If you can't make it just let your daughter know you will make it up to her. You don't have any other family to maybe spend your time with for the holiday's so you don't have to be alone, alone...? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 You'll figure it out with the holiday's. If you can't make it just let your daughter know you will make it up to her. You don't have any other family to maybe spend your time with for the holiday's so you don't have to be alone, alone...? Not in the area... my mother passed last year and it would have been nice to spend it with her... now i am not sure what i will do..... maybe try and volunteer somewhere... who knows maybe go for a hike.. just to get out of the house......I live with my brother but he has a girlfriend now and not sure what they plan on doing...... Sadly he went through the same thing I am back in May....... His wife and mine were close... make you wonder y a know ??? thanks confused9 i will find something to try and keep my mind off everything........ Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Volunteering will probably be soooooooo beneficial to you. You should look in to it. Who knows, maybe you will meet some nice people? You'll get through this. I know it's hard, but maybe reach out to your brother a little bit more. I am sure he could help you immensely. I'm off to the gym. Be back later... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 Volunteering will probably be soooooooo beneficial to you. You should look in to it. Who knows, maybe you will meet some nice people? You'll get through this. I know it's hard, but maybe reach out to your brother a little bit more. I am sure he could help you immensely. I'm off to the gym. Be back later... thanks Confused9........ I will be back later too... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 22, 2008 Author Share Posted November 22, 2008 Well its another Friday night.. this is the third of my separation. This one seems to be the toughest so far. last week I was able to go out with an old friend and we had drinks and listened to a band play.. not tonight most of my friends are married and dont really want to have to deal with what I am going through.. I guess it makes them think about their relationships a little better.. One friend treats his wife terrible.. I said to him. " look at me do you want to end up like this, ? miserable and broken because you didnt treat her with respect and common descency" ... he was stunned. I wish I had someone that was a friend of my wifes sit me down and talk... no one ever did.... and now look at me....a month ago I would have been playing a game with my youngest her favorite game is dominoes... we would play for hours and now I am all alone.... wondering what she is doing and whta my wife is doing.. thoughts that I kow i should push away but seems to always find there way back... I exercise for a little while when i got home from work...... I have real messed up hours these days.. I work from 6-3 monday through friday... I used to love these hours i would be home by 4 and have plenty of time to do stuff with the family. Now all I have is extra time to be alone with my thoughts.... I spoke with my oldest daughter today... she asked me what I was doing for Thanksgiving.. told her i didnt know yet That i didn't have plans yet... funny things is my first wife parents asked me if I wanted to go out to eat with them... Wow how things have changed.. these people didnt like anything about me after our divorce.. they tolerated me but were not over friendly..... now they even feel sorry for me....D*mm how times have changed.... who would have thought........ Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 22, 2008 Author Share Posted November 22, 2008 Well today I spoke with my wife more than I have all week. I stopped by and picked up my daughter and she was waiting for me.. I should have stayed in the car but i didnt.. i went on in knowing that it was going to mess me up.. well I was right I saw my wife and she was in her jammies... I remember how much I liked the way she looked in the morning.. today she looked even better... I dont know if it is because I havent seen her in a week or what but it was hard.. it brought back so many memories of the good times... then during my daughters competition she texted me a couple times to see how she was doing.. I told her that she won 2 first place gold medals and she was very happy.. I even sent her a picture of her with her 2 medals around her neck.. well she said its good to see me finally catching up with technology... Since all of this has happened I have learned how to text message my girls.. who would have thought.. I should have listened to you all and stayed in the car... but it was tough.. I wanted to see her and smell her and be inside my house again.. I feel like a stranger in the house I lived for 6 years before now.. my dog even acted like she didnt remember me..... Dang tonight is going to be tough so many thoughts of where she is, whats she might be doing... whom.. Lord give me the strength tonight that I need....... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 Dang tonight is going to be tough so many thoughts of where she is, whats she might be doing... whom.. Lord give me the strength tonight that I need....... Are you saying that she brings a guy into the house while your kids are there? IF this is the case, then you two need to change the arrangements. Seriously, maybe switch back and forth locations, so when you are with the kids, YOU get to stay in the house and she can go stay where you are now, kind of like each of you have your own place, but shared. (Hope that makes sense, just woke up from a snooze on the couch, lol.) Also, can I ask? What are the child arrangements? You allowed to see them as much as you want or has she put limited contact between you and your kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Wife Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 skinman, can you treat yourself to something fun during this difficult time? Maybe take yourself for a hike in the woods, a museum outing, or join a club or something? I hate the thought of you all alone and sad. Julia Cameron (author of the Artist's Way) would say to find a few different ways to "nurture your artist." Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 Are you saying that she brings a guy into the house while your kids are there? IF this is the case, then you two need to change the arrangements. Seriously, maybe switch back and forth locations, so when you are with the kids, YOU get to stay in the house and she can go stay where you are now, kind of like each of you have your own place, but shared. (Hope that makes sense, just woke up from a snooze on the couch, lol.) Also, can I ask? What are the child arrangements? You allowed to see them as much as you want or has she put limited contact between you and your kids? WWIU, I dont know for certain if there is someone else.. I just get the feeling and I am pretty sure my kids would say something to me...but then again who knows...as for the arrangement I can see them whenever I want she has been great about that during all of this.. She is afraid that I would do the same thing her Ex. did to her daughter and quit coming around and disappear from her life. But I am not like that at all. as much as it hurts to see her I do it for my girls ... I guess that is one thing Ican give her credit for during all of this is she is not keeping me from the girls or them from me... I guess maybe she has some kind of heart... Thanks WWIU... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 skinman, can you treat yourself to something fun during this difficult time? Maybe take yourself for a hike in the woods, a museum outing, or join a club or something? I hate the thought of you all alone and sad. Julia Cameron (author of the Artist's Way) would say to find a few different ways to "nurture your artist." Sadly nothing is much fun these days Fearful Wife but thanks for the ideas.. I used to really enjoy watching football as most men do.. heck I cant even get excited for that these days.... I try and get out and do things but its only a matter of time when my thoughts wander and memories flood back in...... I have thought about taking off for a couple weeks and getting out of town but I am afraid about that to... not knowing wwhat could happen while I'm gone.... I guess i will have to push forward and suck it up... time is the only thing I have going for me... Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Wife Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Just please try to be good to yourself during this time. Eat well and exercise and watch football, and be with good friends who will stand by you. Isn't there something you've always wanted to do, a childhood dream? Maybe now would be a good time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 Just please try to be good to yourself during this time. Eat well and exercise and watch football, and be with good friends who will stand by you. Isn't there something you've always wanted to do, a childhood dream? Maybe now would be a good time. Thanks for the advice Fearful Wife, I am eating better these days when this all started I lost almost 15 pounds... doesn't sound like much but when you only weigh 155 its a lot.At this point I am miserable.. cant quit thinking about how she could do this to the family.. do it to me and not even care.. she ahs brought up the fact that I still love her quite a few times... saying how could you do that if you say you still love me.. stuff like that I think she's playing with my head and it hurts.... how could someone whom you have worked so hard for, busted your butt to give a better life and now that they have it they toss you aside like your nothing I dont want to get mean or bitter but that seems my only option now to help with the hurt that I feel... Dreams you ask.... I had dreams but they were all tied with my wife and girls... now they are nightmares.. Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Wife Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Perhaps I missed this in one of your earlier posts, but what specifically is she complaining of when she says "how could you do that if you say you still love me"? That sounds to me like an expression of her own hurts, like she is accusing you of not understanding or respecting her somehow. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 Perhaps I missed this in one of your earlier posts, but what specifically is she complaining of when she says "how could you do that if you say you still love me"? That sounds to me like an expression of her own hurts, like she is accusing you of not understanding or respecting her somehow. No your correct it wasn't written anywhere but we got into it the other night and after her repeatedly telling me how much she hated me I told her i was going to cut off her health insurance and direct deposit into "her" account.. i have tried very hard to understanc where she is coming from with her i need space.. but i have begun to wonder after reading so much on here that that is another way or getting rid of you for someone else... I have been supportive of her during this time but you can only take so many hateful things before you retaliate and that was what i did threatened that.... I forgot to mention that she also wants me to let her live in our house for 6 more years help with the mortage and then we can seel it........ i told her we would be selling it when we get the divorce an she threatened to move out of state with my daughter.. and step daughter... that goes to show you how spitefull she is I always knew when i married her if it ever went bad....... it was gonna be bad..... Link to post Share on other sites
Fearful Wife Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 skinman, I know you're worried about her leaving and breaking her vows. And retaliating with threats may help you feel better temporarily, but in the long run you two will keep reacting with hostility and communication will keep breaking down. How does that help anything? Can you take the high road for awhile? I'm thinking of that quote from the desiderata, "speak your truth quietly and clearly." (http://www.fleurdelis.com/desiderata.htm) Figuring out your financial rights and obligations is hard enough without bringing in emotional strife. Have you consulted a lawyer? Once you do, you'll know better what would happen in terms of mortgage, insurance, etc., should the marriage end. Once you have that information laid out on the table, you and your W can try to discuss those things, maybe through a mediator, without threats and accusations. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 FW, i have been taking the high road all along. I have been the one bowing down for sake of trying to save my marriage. I have heard so many viscous and hateful things come out off her mouth in the past month its like it isn't her anymore..I have spoken with an attorney and figured out what my responsibilities are. I am trying to move forward like she has but its hard letting go of all that I have known for close to 16 years... It makes me wonder if she has already found someone else.. I have always trusted my wife bit theses actions make me rethink my trust...and as far as me being afraid that she will break our vows she alreadt has........ right along with my heart Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 Today has started out pretty tough. Didn't sleep well at all last night I was awakend by two separate dreams of my wife... They shook me pretty bad and it was difficult to sleep or keep my mind off of what they contained.... It has been over a month now and the feelings and thoughts haven't gotten any easier in fact they seem more intense now than ever...I have tried everyones suggestions to get out and spend time with friends, find a hobby and things like that.. nothing is working my mind seems to wander back to what I have lost and all the dreams that are no longer dreams.....I hope it gets easier soon.. I don't know how much longer I can keep up this front of being ok when in fact I am empty inside feeling hollow, wallowing in my self pity........ I hope it gets better soon... Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Just keep moving skinman.. Sunday's were always the hardest for me at that time. Heck even this morning when I was just half awake in bed my mind wandered to the ex . Staying busy helped the most. Rake leaves, read, think, make lists of things to do, of things you still want to do in your life.It's a tough climb but you just keep moving. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 23, 2008 Author Share Posted November 23, 2008 Just keep moving skinman.. Sunday's were always the hardest for me at that time. Heck even this morning when I was just half awake in bed my mind wandered to the ex . Staying busy helped the most. Rake leaves, read, think, make lists of things to do, of things you still want to do in your life.It's a tough climb but you just keep moving. thanks Sumdude, its been tough this morning but then again its been tough every morning.... I have been reading so much about relationships lately its bringing me down even further... went for a long drive today just to get out of the house.... It was nice being out but it seemed like everything I passed brought back a memory of something with my wife..... It makes me wonder if she has the same thoughts when a memory pops into her head... I cant think that she's that cold that it doesn't effect her someway.. who knows I would like to think that every now and then she does think back to what we had..... Link to post Share on other sites
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