Why can't I end my affair?

[frannie]

It's simple, really. Folks that cheat lack the qualities needed for a succesful marriage. things like communication skills, integrity, problem solving ability. I suspect you will find this out somewhere down the road.

 

Why put that all on the cheater? It could be either the BS or the WS, or both of them that have a problem with communication and problem-solving. Yes, the problem is evidently there, but why assume it's the cheater who is to blame? It is impossible to have good communication when you are dealing with someone who can't express themselves or be open or honest or intimate. That goes for either the BS OR the WS.

 

 

As I said, that is simply keeping him in the dark for her own outcome.

 

This was relating to another poster, but that poster already made it clear. Her H has told her he would rather not know if she had been cheating on him. Surely that man's views and requests are more important than the views of people on an internet forum?

 

But back to ILNY:

 

nicki suggested:

 

Maybe if you identify what you are getting from the affair, you can try to duplicate that in your life, in your marriage...

 

And you can compare the way that ILNY has talked about the feelings she has when with her H, and when with her lover:

 

...I feel alive and womanly and no longer invisible and am enjoying mental stimulation and of course the passion. It really is addictive.

 

I just want to feel that attraction again to my husband, sometimes it feels like he is my brother or a best friend but nothing else.

 

To me, it couldn't be any clearer. The reason it's so hard to give up on the affair is that those essential needs are being met with the lover, and not with the husband. Feeling like you're with your brother isn't what anyone needs from a marriage. What a passion-killer. And of course that's hard to give up from the OM.

 

No, its not 'justification' for an affair, but it's the reason it's happening.

 

GEL,

When people ASSUME there are problems in someones M that caused them to cheat, we are justifying the affair.

 

There's a huge difference between justifying something and providing reasons why something happened. There are reasons why people cheat. That doesn't mean it's a good 'choice': it does not justify cheating, it explains it. And surely knowing there are reasons why it happens is good! It enables us to prevent it in the future, or at least reduce the chances of it happening again to us.

 

I'd say ILNY needs to examine the relationship with her H and ask herself if it can ever become the thing she needs. We're not talking about 'selfishness' here, but real need. Because if those needs are not met, then the temptation and the danger of cheating again will always be there, even if ILNY goes through with ending the affair, NC, and 'focusing' on her H. Needs have to be met, that's why they're called needs.

[JamesM]

GEL, I have no hate for you. Pity, yes, for one so deluded. Your need to cling desperately to the notion that your new husband , with his history of infidelity, has integrity is sad. Same with your incredible investment with the notion that the BS or the marriage must have driven the WS to cheat.

 

I must comment on this post. As is well known here, your position and opinions come from that of a betrayed spouse. Knowing that, I understand your feelings. Knowing that, I understand your biases. Hopefully those who read this know it, too. This does not discount everything you say by far as I have agreed with you on many occasions.

 

BUT....saying that someone who has cheated has no integrity in other areas cannot be true. That is to say someone who has never lied and yet cheated (hence lied) on his or her spouse is possible. a man may have cheated on his wife, but to the other 99% of the population, he has been nothing but honest. And the opposite is true....to say that those who have never cheated on their spouse have integrity is not logical. So, since we have all lied to someone, none of us have integrity.

 

And the much repeated refrain..."the BS is innocent, while the WS carries all of the blame" may reassure those betrayed during their time of grief and anger, but in reality it is not true most of the time. The person who chose the affair as an answer to the marriage problems certainly did not choose the assertive nor honest approach to solving the perceived problems, but this in no way then eliminates the blame that the BS carries in the marriage. Logically, this makes no sense. This means that the day before the affair began if the one who felt completely frustrated with his or her marriage chose MC, then this means that both partners carry some blame. However, as soon as the frustrated partner chose an affair as the passive aggressive approach, the blame for the marital problems became all his/hers.

 

Not possible. Marriages break up for many reason and affairs are simply the symptom of the problems in most (but not all) cases.

 

It's simple, really. Folks that cheat lack the qualities needed for a succesful marriage. things like communication skills, integrity, problem solving ability. I suspect you will find this out somewhere down the road.

 

Another logical fallacy. Let us take the ex-Cheater in Chief....William Jefferson Clinton. He was an excellent communicator and listener. He was really quite good at solving problems. Some would say he had integrity. And as a Republican, even I can see this.

 

Yet it is a documented fact that he had multiple affairs...and still probably does.

 

While it is true, he has shown that he has a lousy commitment to his wife, this does not mean that he has failed in all other areas of life. While he has shown that he has no respect for fidelity, he does have respect for his wife's abilities. And while he has shown that his sexual choices are abysmal, even his wife wants him around to help her solve problems politically.

 

He has shown to the public that he can talk to them. He has shown with one on one conversations that he is an excellent listener. Yet regarding his marriage, he has shown that he can lie to the public as well. Does this mean he has lied in all areas when he talked to the public? His lack of skills in one of area of life has not eliminated those same skills in other areas of life.

 

Meanwhile, George Bush has shown thus far that he is completely faithful to his wife and adores her, yet many can see that he has none of those characteristics and qualities that they see in Clinton. Does this mean he has never lied to the public?

 

So, while cheaters certainly show a lack of character in the aspect of marriage, they are not the only ones to be blamed for the problems of the marriage. While they certainly chose the worst possible path for solving their marriage problems, this is no way means that they have no problem solving skills. (With this logic, anyone who chooses the wrong choice has shown that they have no problem solving skills). And while the cheater has shown that he has no respect for his commitment, this does not mean that this person has no integrity. (With this logic, all divorcees would fit this description).

 

Truthfully, I think I would carry the same anger and frustration if my wife cheated on me. However, for those here, it must be understood that both parties in marriages share at least some blame for an affair.

[Owl]

Truthfully, I think I would carry the same anger and frustration if my wife cheated on me. However, for those here, it must be understood that both parties in marriages share at least some blame for an affair.

 

James, I was right there with you all the way up to this statement.

 

Cheating is often a "compartmentalized" thing...and therefore what a cheating person does "on the side" often has little impact on the rest of their lives...I agree with that.

 

But...I will still VEHEMENTLY state that while a BS may well have a role in the "state of the marriage"...the choice to cheat, and the responsibility for the affair remains SOLELY ON THE PERSON WHO CHOOSES TO CHEAT.

 

The economy is partially responsible for my struggling to pay bills. Poor management of money is also MY responsibility. But...the choice to rob a bank in order to solve my debt issues would remain SOLELY my choice. There are other means that I can seek. I can't blame the economy for my bad judgement in how to address the problem.

[Reggie]

I must comment on this post. As is well known here, your position and opinions come from that of a betrayed spouse. Knowing that, I understand your feelings. Knowing that, I understand your biases. Hopefully those who read this know it, too. This does not discount everything you say by far as I have agreed with you on many occasions.

 

BUT....saying that someone who has cheated has no integrity in other areas cannot be true. That is to say someone who has never lied and yet cheated (hence lied) on his or her spouse is possible. a man may have cheated on his wife, but to the other 99% of the population, he has been nothing but honest. And the opposite is true....to say that those who have never cheated on their spouse have integrity is not logical. So, since we have all lied to someone, none of us have integrity.

 

And the much repeated refrain..."the BS is innocent, while the WS carries all of the blame" may reassure those betrayed during their time of grief and anger, but in reality it is not true most of the time. The person who chose the affair as an answer to the marriage problems certainly did not choose the assertive nor honest approach to solving the perceived problems, but this in no way then eliminates the blame that the BS carries in the marriage. Logically, this makes no sense. This means that the day before the affair began if the one who felt completely frustrated with his or her marriage chose MC, then this means that both partners carry some blame. However, as soon as the frustrated partner chose an affair as the passive aggressive approach, the blame for the marital problems became all his/hers.

 

Not possible. Marriages break up for many reason and affairs are simply the symptom of the problems in most (but not all) cases.

 

 

 

Another logical fallacy. Let us take the ex-Cheater in Chief....William Jefferson Clinton. He was an excellent communicator and listener. He was really quite good at solving problems. Some would say he had integrity. And as a Republican, even I can see this.

 

Yet it is a documented fact that he had multiple affairs...and still probably does.

 

While it is true, he has shown that he has a lousy commitment to his wife, this does not mean that he has failed in all other areas of life. While he has shown that he has no respect for fidelity, he does have respect for his wife's abilities. And while he has shown that his sexual choices are abysmal, even his wife wants him around to help her solve problems politically.

 

He has shown to the public that he can talk to them. He has shown with one on one conversations that he is an excellent listener. Yet regarding his marriage, he has shown that he can lie to the public as well. Does this mean he has lied in all areas when he talked to the public? His lack of skills in one of area of life has not eliminated those same skills in other areas of life.

 

Meanwhile, George Bush has shown thus far that he is completely faithful to his wife and adores her, yet many can see that he has none of those characteristics and qualities that they see in Clinton. Does this mean he has never lied to the public?

 

So, while cheaters certainly show a lack of character in the aspect of marriage, they are not the only ones to be blamed for the problems of the marriage. While they certainly chose the worst possible path for solving their marriage problems, this is no way means that they have no problem solving skills. (With this logic, anyone who chooses the wrong choice has shown that they have no problem solving skills). And while the cheater has shown that he has no respect for his commitment, this does not mean that this person has no integrity. (With this logic, all divorcees would fit this description).

 

Truthfully, I think I would carry the same anger and frustration if my wife cheated on me. However, for those here, it must be understood that both parties in marriages share at least some blame for an affair.

 

I agree, that either or both parties could have contributed to marital problems. However, with other choices to address the problems so readily available, the choice to go the most dishonest and cruel route does say something about the cheaters character and communication skills.

Clinton was a good talker on public issues, but, apparently repeatedly dishonest with his wife and family. And, if you look into other areas, you can see that he lacks integrity in those, as well.

I just get tired of the constant assumption that the cheater was driven to this action bythe frustrations of the marriage when, I would guess and many experts that have dealt with infidelity agree ,that in most cases, upon examination, the cheater was bringing less to the marriage in terms of meeting needs etc(nice run on sentence there, eh?).

Cheaters may have some problem solving skills as demonstrated by the way they can avoid detection. But, I feel that one that can break his or her vows and inflict thistype of unneccessary pain lacks character and integrity. Those qualities are needed to really communicate and solve problems.

[JamesM]

James, I was right there with you all the way up to this statement.

 

I am impressed that you were with me up to there. Thank you.

 

But...I will still VEHEMENTLY state that while a BS may well have a role in the "state of the marriage"...the choice to cheat, and the responsibility for the affair remains SOLELY ON THE PERSON WHO CHOOSES TO CHEAT.

 

We agree. The choice to cheat is solely on the person who chose. However, the state of the marriage which is created by both is what caused the situation for the choice.

 

So, then this is why I think the BS has more power in the choice than is usually given.

 

The economy is partially responsible for my struggling to pay bills. Poor management of money is also MY responsibility. But...the choice to rob a bank in order to solve my debt issues would remain SOLELY my choice. There are other means that I can seek. I can't blame the economy for my bad judgement in how to address the problem.

 

A better analogy would be using the finances of a marriage. I may struggle to pay bills because of my wife's excessive shopping. Or I may have debts because of her poor money management. And my poor management and excessive shopping may also contribute. But then the choice to rob a bank is still to be blamed on me, yet it is definitely arguable that my wife contributed to my desperation in making that choice.

 

As you even said, the economy IS partially responsible. The person who felt desperate enough to rob the bank would not have done so if the economy had not weakened him financially. As it is with a marriage. The BS is partially responsible for the situation that set up the WS. The difference between the economy and the BS is that the BS made a commitment to help his or her partner stay faithful. As they say, can you blame a hungry dog for stealing your neighbor's steak when you never even bothered to feed him?

 

I see your point. The cheater is wrong in blaming his wife for his choice. And the cheater cannot play victim. Yet one cannot also ignore the fact that the marital situation played into the weakness of that choice. If the reason for the choice of an affair is the lack of sexual intimacy, then we can see how this would definitely weaken the person who wants sex but cannot have it. And if we have a situation where the person seeks out closeness through emotional connections yet the partner has no time for this person, we can see how this lack of emotional intimacy weakens the one who chooses to seek closeness with someone else through an affair.

[JamesM]

There's the marriage, and then there's the affair. The condition of the marriage is the responsibility of the spouses in that marriage. The affair is the responsibility of those involved in it. How can the BS be responsible for something they're not even allowed 2 know anything about?

 

Because the marriage is not separate from the affair in most cases. The condition of the marriage either helps prevent affairs or it contributes to affairs. WHile there is no question that the WS made the choice and is therefore responsible for that affair, one cannot deny that the BS helped set up the situation that weakened the WS into making that choice.

 

The BS may not have known about the affair, but usually by the time an affair is chosen, the marriage is in such a condition that both partners do have an inkling that things are not what they should be.

 

The distinction between marriage and infidelity is clear. As are the rationalizations for not fixing the former or ending the latter (called "reasons").

 

There would not be an affair without a marriage. And in most cases, a healthy marriage will result in no desire for an affair. For instance, while my marriage is not as healthy as it could be, yet the desire to ruin and forsake what I have for the momentary pleasure from an affair is a "hedge" that keeps me from choosing an affair. Who contributes to this? My wife obviously. She may have no clue what goes on in my mind regarding a possible affair, but she can contribute to my choice by doing her part in keeping the marriage as healthy as possible...or rather she can keep our marriage as a much more desirable choice.

 

And this goes both ways. While she goes off to work, she may face temptations. I am committed to being her friend and partner. BY doing this, I can contribute to helping her keep her vow of fidelity.

 

When the going gets tough and one person is not doing his or her part, this does not mean that the other person is "free" to choose an affair. Far from it. This is the time when the word commitment really means something. Yet it cannot be ignored that marriage takes work from two people.

 

Marriages take two, and when two do not contribute, a situation is set up for one person possibly yielding to the desire of an affair.

[Reggie]

Because the marriage is not separate from the affair in most cases. The condition of the marriage either helps prevent affairs or it contributes to affairs. WHile there is no question that the WS made the choice and is therefore responsible for that affair, one cannot deny that the BS helped set up the situation that weakened the WS into making that choice.

 

The BS may not have known about the affair, but usually by the time an affair is chosen, the marriage is in such a condition that both partners do have an inkling that things are not what they should be.

 

 

 

There would not be an affair without a marriage. And in most cases, a healthy marriage will result in no desire for an affair. For instance, while my marriage is not as healthy as it could be, yet the desire to ruin and forsake what I have for the momentary pleasure from an affair is a "hedge" that keeps me from choosing an affair. Who contributes to this? My wife obviously. She may have no clue what goes on in my mind regarding a possible affair, but she can contribute to my choice by doing her part in keeping the marriage as healthy as possible...or rather she can keep our marriage as a much more desirable choice.

 

And this goes both ways. While she goes off to work, she may face temptations. I am committed to being her friend and partner. BY doing this, I can contribute to helping her keep her vow of fidelity.

 

When the going gets tough and one person is not doing his or her part, this does not mean that the other person is "free" to choose an affair. Far from it. This is the time when the word commitment really means something. Yet it cannot be ignored that marriage takes work from two people.

 

Marriages take two, and when two do not contribute, a situation is set up for one person possibly yielding to the desire of an affair.

 

I've heard described many, many situations where the WS has not communicated his or her disatisfaction or attempted to resolve it prior to resorting to an affair.

What say you to this, Jmaes? Even if the BS was less than ideal(and, presumably in many cases the same could be said for the WS) doesn't the WS have a responsibility to communicate? I've seen so many BS's blindsided by this . Thye were aware that there were issues, but who would think that someone would do something so drastically cruel before communicating?

[Woggle]

Just divorce him and get it over with because you will cheat on him again and sooner ot later a split will happen. Just tell him that you can't be satisfied with him and leave.

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL, I have no hate for you. Pity, yes, for one so deluded. Your need to cling desperately to the notion that your new husband , with his history of infidelity, has integrity is sad. Same with your incredible investment with the notion that the BS or the marriage must have driven the WS to cheat.

It's simple, really. Folks that cheat lack the qualities needed for a succesful marriage. things like communication skills, integrity, problem solving ability. I suspect you will find this out somewhere down the road.

 

Being a blissful newlywed, your comments are like in one ear and out the other ear. I could care less what you say or for your pity. It's a waste on me.

 

If you think I'm deluded, that's your choice. I didn't get to where I am by being deluded. And if my H was the same man as the day I met him, believe me I wouldn't have stuck around.

 

He is a good man and I will not listen to anyone who says otherwise. His judgment is from his God and not you. You don't know him and you haven't walked in his shoes. He gets what he did. But that is not your concern nor your business.

 

And don't worry about my road. I make my own destiny. Perhaps you should take the same tack. Maybe you won't come off as such a hater.

 

GEL

[Reggie]

Being a blissful newlywed, your comments are like in one ear and out the other ear. I could care less what you say or for your pity. It's a waste on me.

 

If you think I'm deluded, that's your choice. I didn't get to where I am by being deluded. And if my H was the same man as the day I met him, believe me I wouldn't have stuck around.

 

He is a good man and I will not listen to anyone who says otherwise. His judgment is from his God and not you. You don't know him and you haven't walked in his shoes. He gets what he did. But that is not your concern nor your business.

 

And don't worry about my road. I make my own destiny. Perhaps you should take the same tack. Maybe you won't come off as such a hater.

 

GEL

 

GEL, again, I have no hate for you and, like you, I care not what you think. You accuse me of being a hater, yet you are the one spewing vitriol here.

I simply do not believe your H acted honorably or with integrity in choosing to cheat. He may be a good man, but his history is that of a dishonorable man.

[JamesM]

I don't know what you mean. My W's affair was most definitely "separate" from my marriage. How could one not be?

 

You split this from the reason that I think they are interconnected. A bad marriage is usually behind an affair. Or rather, a perceived bad marriage is what contributes to an affair.

 

I don't think we're all that far apart, but the details make it seem so. Yes, I believe that I am responsible for my part in letting our marriage get 2 a state where my W decided that having an affair was her only option. But no, I didn't help set up the si2ation that weakened her.

 

It is quite likely in many cases (and not commenting directly on yours because that would be unfair) that having a bad marriage contributes to many partners being in a weakened state when confronted with the temptation of an affair. If they had been "in love" with their spouse, then the temptation would have been easier to avoid and reject.

 

I don't believe that affairs happen because of unmet needs. They happen because the betrayer doesn't protect themselves or their marriage from their own inherent weaknesses.

 

We agree on one angle. We must put "hedges" in place before the temptations of affairs are present. While my marriage may be not meeting my needs, this does not mean that I will automatically yield to the desire of an affair. However, if I as a man go out to lunch alone with a coworker every day, then I am leaving myself open to the possibility of an affair. She may not be desirable to me under normal circumstances, but if my wife no longer wants sex, then this woman may become my fantasy...and then an affair is likely.

 

Now, before you jump on me for that latter thing, just know that I believe we all have weaknesses, and that it may even be "easy", given the right (or wrong, in this case) circumstances, 2 cheat (i.e., the condition of the marriage that both spouses are responsible for).

 

We agree. I have shocked my friends before by saying, "I know that I could have an affair, so I must prevent the possibilities." They say, "Never." And I say, "If you do not recognize that we all have that weakness, then you are setting yourself up for the possibility. By realizing that you can cheat gives you the motivation to prevent cheating."

 

Not true. Fiance's, bf's and gf's cheat on their SO's all the time.

 

I guess in the broader sense of the word. The word used to mean an adulterous relationship that occurs when one cheats on his or her marriage. Now it has been broadened to include all committed relationships.

 

My point is that a commitment is needed for a marriage. And when a committed relationship is not what it ought to be, then the situation is being set up for an affair.

 

And yes, there are people who cheat for the thrill and excitement with no connection to the health of their marriage, but I think this is the minority.

 

And if at some point you decide she's not doing her job 2 your satisfaction and you find someone else you believe can, will you blame her for your decision? To ANY degree?

 

Yes but I would be wrong. When I say that both parties are responsible for the affair, I do not mean to give an excuse to the WS for his or her actions. And I think that it is wrong for the WS to choose an affair rather than communicate the problems perceived in the marriage. As an objective party looking at the situation, I would be able to tell both what could have been done to prevent the affair.

 

If it was me personally that cheated, then I am guessing that I would excuse myself with as many reasons as I could. If it was my wife who cheated on me, then I am guessing that I would not accept any blame for the situation. This is our human nature. Yet to grow and move on, we must realize what we could have done differently by looking at ourselves rather than focusing on the other person.

 

Okay, I like this. Marriage is hard work, even in good times. But it can be very rewarding as a result. (most hard work is).

 

It can be, but if one person is doing all of the work, and the other person simply waits for the results without contributing any action, then there are no rewards and no results. Marriage is hard work and can be rewarding...but only if both people work at it.

 

If only one does the work, then eventually, he or she will get frustrated and quit. Then there is no marriage.

 

I think we agree more than disagree. And I do have sympathy for your pain. I know that I could be where you are and will never say that it wouldn't happen to me. Not only do I know I could cheat, but I will never say that I can prevent my wife from cheating.

 

Infidelity is a hideous monster than is brought in our lives through the actions of the one who we thought we could trust the most. Love creates vulnerability which can either be the most comforting and joyful feeling, or it can result in one of the most painful occurrences in our lives.

[DealingWDrama]

I've read some of this thread and I have to put in my two cents. Keep in mind that I am in a different state of mind that you are in, and I may come off as harsh - which isn't my intention....

 

"How do I end my affair?" - STOP! Tell the OP that you are no longer interested in continuing the relationship - period. Do not discuss your feelings for the OP with the OP because you are setting yourself up for failure and pleas...he is probably worried that the guilt will consume you and you will tell his wife everything - so he will attempt to continue talking to you. Change your number. Change the places you go. If you work together, find another job. Stop all contact with him period....!!!!!

 

Call today and make an appointment with you GYN and get yourself tested for every STD in the book....if you have one - you will have to tell your husband....if you don't and you choose to tell your husband, be prepared - this hurts SO BAD and you will see the hurt in his eyes! If you do have one - it's almost a mute point to keep it a secret.

 

ALSO if you think that your husband or the other man's wife are clueless about your extramarital relationship, both you and your MM are in the dark. There is always a feeling. There is always questioning...and before long, it will be a mess that can't be cleaned up with a phone call to end the relationship.

[JustBreathe]

ILNY You sound like you're really trying to break it off and get back in touch with your true feelings for your husband.

 

Have you clearly communicated to your husband how dissatisfied you have become with your marriage? My bet is no you haven't. Maybe hinted a bit here and there, but he needs to know in NO uncertain terms.

 

TELL your husband how you feel, he is not a mind reader. If he's too fat, tell him. If there is anything at all that you find turns you off - TELL him. If he then turns around and expresses what HIS dissatisfactions with you are, LISTEN to him. Maybe sex is boring because you aren't telling each other what you need and want.

 

Your husband has been with you for 17 years. He has been faithful. You have said he is a good man. Well, let me tell you I WISH TO GOD I HAD THAT and here you are playing with that, getting ready to destroy that.

 

There are many women who has been exposed to the heartache of living with an undeserving man. Some woman will be grateful for a man like him. She'll love the heck out of him and I guarantee you SHE will find him sexy.

 

There is nothing sexier than trust. I would have given anything to have had a faithful, loving husband.

 

Women like you puzzle me.

 

Get your head out of your behind and quit mooning over a dishonorable man who would sleep with a married woman. You aren't 15 anymore.