Why can't I end my affair?

[Owl]

Actually...NO ONE ends an affair because they want to.

 

That's where your thinking is flawed.

 

She'll continue the affair forever, if all she focuses on is what SHE wants.

 

Its when she starts to change her focus...when she begins to consider the damage being done to others...that the affair loses its thrill and luster. Its when she STARTS to consider what's outside of herself that she'll begin doubting her choice to continue the affair.

 

Those doubts are the beginning of the change for her.

 

Perhaps that's why you're struggling in your own recovery too...because you've got it backwards?

 

You're expecting the feelings to happen before you make the changes...but in reality...that's not what happens at all. You make the changes...and those feelings for your spouse return AFTER you do that work, and work through the withdrawl of the loss of your OW/OM.

 

But it all starts with starting to think outside of your own personal viewpoint...and seeing the impacts to EVERYONE.

[pkn06002]

No affair looses it's thrill or luster until the rewards become less then the effort to keep the affair going. Remember an affair is a selfish act you purposely do not think about the effects on other people.

 

You even have posted your wife had to hit rock bottom and get the threat of divorce for her to "see outside of herself".

 

Other WS need the fact they get caught to "see outside of themselves".

 

These doubts are nothing but confusion, I have seen them and experienced them myself. But you know what you continue because you WANT those feelings you are getting. Until a WS is willing to or is forced to forgo those feelings they will always chase them.

 

Sorry Owl on this topic I know more about it then you do, I have lived it (twice). I have seen a MW that stopped because of how she did not want to hurt her husband. Six months later she was cheating on him again, because she stopped for HIM not herself. She did not stop until she was finally caught and FORCED to see this "outside of herself" idea.

 

The other MW I knew quit because she got caught and was forced to "see outside of herself".

 

If she "loves" her husband enough and is truly disgusted with herself, she will WANT to quit and will do the actions needed to do so. But it starts with her WANTING to really stop. Like any other addiction it takes the wanting and will to stop, ask any smoker or drug user. They wall want to stop because of the effects on those around them, but until they deep down WANT to stop it never happens.

 

Why do you want to make this about me? You want to analysis me then start a new thread. But I can tell an active WS better then you can how to stop the addiction. That is unless you and Reggie know the feelings and cravings that an affair creates.

[pkn06002]

Let me throw in one more thing for the original poster.

 

It is easier to get out before you are caught. When caught all hell breaks loose and you may loose you husband anyway.

 

So if you do "love" you husband enough then just quit.

 

But the only way the decision for NC and recovery will happen is if you WANT it.

[Owl]

No affair looses it's thrill or luster until the rewards become less then the effort to keep the affair going. Remember an affair is a selfish act you purposely do not think about the effects on other people.

 

You even have posted your wife had to hit rock bottom and get the threat of divorce for her to "see outside of herself".

 

Other WS need the fact they get caught to "see outside of themselves".

 

These doubts are nothing but confusion, I have seen them and experienced them myself. But you know what you continue because you WANT those feelings you are getting. Until a WS is willing to or is forced to forgo those feelings they will always chase them.

 

Sorry Owl on this topic I know more about it then you do, I have lived it (twice). I have seen a MW that stopped because of how she did not want to hurt her husband. Six months later she was cheating on him again, because she stopped for HIM not herself. She did not stop until she was finally caught and FORCED to see this "outside of herself" idea.

 

The other MW I knew quit because she got caught and was forced to "see outside of herself".

 

If she "loves" her husband enough and is truly disgusted with herself, she will WANT to quit and will do the actions needed to do so. But it starts with her WANTING to really stop. Like any other addiction it takes the wanting and will to stop, ask any smoker or drug user. They wall want to stop because of the effects on those around them, but until they deep down WANT to stop it never happens.

 

Why do you want to make this about me? You want to analysis me then start a new thread. But I can tell an active WS better then you can how to stop the addiction. That is unless you and Reggie know the feelings and cravings that an affair creates.

 

I'm sorry, Pnk...I really don't believe that you can tell an active WS on how to end an affair...because you haven't well and truly recovered your own marriage yet.

 

You're still in the fog.

 

You're still justifying your own affair and position...

 

Once you're clear of those things...your input will be invaluable. But frankly...until then...your view is so biased as to be more likely to cause more harm than good.

[pkn06002]

I'm sorry, Pnk...I really don't believe that you can tell an active WS on how to end an affair...because you haven't well and truly recovered your own marriage yet.

 

You're still in the fog.

 

You're still justifying your own affair and position...

 

Once you're clear of those things...your input will be invaluable. But frankly...until then...your view is so biased as to be more likely to cause more harm than good.

 

Really if that is just not condescending of you.

 

Do you know the draw of the affair?

 

Do you know this "in love" feeling you get?

 

Do you know the justifications you will use to risk everything?

 

Are you a professional MC?

 

If not you have NO idea how to end anything, because you have not lived it from the WS point of view. You have experienced the BS side of things which is way different then the WS side. Ask your wife.

 

Ending an affair is different then recovering a marriage, don't confuse the two ideas. If the recovery of a marriage is needed to give advice then they are plenty of BS here that need to quit posting, because they divorced and failed. Those people that have never been married need to quit posting as well since they don't come close to qualifying.

 

Tell me how I am justifying my affair and my position by telling another WS to STOP (please be specific)? If I was telling her to continue you have a point but it just seems you don't like a different view point on why someone should stop.

[Owl]

Pkn, we've T/J'ed enough.

 

You commented about your ability vs mine to provide advice...I responded.

 

If you want to discuss this further...I'd suggest that you take it to your own thread, and focus on the OP here.

[LifesontheUp]

Actually pkn I think OWL is right. You have not recovered yet so are not in a good position to be offering advice. Ask your counsellor what they think? I'd bet they agree with OWL.

[pkn06002]

Pkn, we've T/J'ed enough.

 

You commented about your ability vs mine to provide advice...I responded.

 

If you want to discuss this further...I'd suggest that you take it to your own thread, and focus on the OP here.

 

You are the one that interjected my life into this thread, now you want to make it sound like I started this discussion. LOL!!!! Just too funny.

 

I will continue to tell this OP so STOP her affair and to do it for her own reasons. Since those are the only reasons that will get her to truly go NC and confess like she needs to do.

[Owl]

ILNY...

 

The only way to get OM out of your system is to end contact with them...completely.

 

The best way to fix your marriage is to start by clearing the air...and telling the truth about the affair.

 

It IS risky...your H could file for divorce. But, that's also his RIGHT to choose to do or not based on that information as well.

 

This may seem rather black and white...and it is really that "simple". Not easy...but SIMPLE.

[imagine]

I do recommend the article "Recovery after an affair" at marriagebuilders.com.

 

I would love to link it but I don't know how.

[ilovenewyork]

Hi again. Wow...so many replies and good advice. Thank you so much. I appreciate it all, even the tough talk.

 

My behaviour is unforgiveable. I am shocked and disgusted at it. After 17 of being faithful and committed to my other half I am having an affair. It feels like I have 'wiped out' all the memories and the history together.

 

Some of you may question how I can profess my love for my husband when I having an affair. I don't know the answer to that. Some might call me a 'cake eater'...I want my husband but want the thrill of the affair. The truth is there isn't much thrilling about an affair, the sneaking around and covering your tracks and lying to your spouse and family...no thrill there. It has destroyed me.

 

But...I feel alive and womanly and no longer invisible and am enjoying mental stimulation and of course the passion. It really is addictive and we have both said after our meets we feel like we are coming down from a high and then go into withdrawal. We are the 'textbook' affair! Having married my first love as well

 

I truly feel in love with my affair partner. I just can't stop this. But...I am coming to realise it's a different kind of love to the love I feel for my husband. I am trying to work that out.

 

I want to end my affair, every day I wake up and say that this will be the day I do it and can get on my with my life. But I know the only way is no contact and that terrifies me. I am worried about spending the rest of my life thinking 'what if'. On the other hand I love my husband.

 

So confused and going round in circles.

 

I do believe as has been suggested this situation would come to a head if we were caught and the reality of losing my husband would sink in.

 

Thank you once again for your advice. I will keep you updated. I do not know how I have got myself into this mess, there are no excuses whatsoever. I am determined to work out what I want out of life and get some resolve.

 

Thanks again. I have taken on board everything that has been said to me.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi, I need help.

 

I am a married woman having an affair with a married man. It has been going on for seven months now. I am disgusted at myself.

 

I love my husband

 

You sure about that? Because I don't think so.

[Bryanp]

Please ask yourself if your husband would ever do to you what you are doing to him? When your husband eventually finds out what do you think his reaction would be? If you love your husband how can you continue to be so cruel and hurtful to him? What makes you think he does not suspect something?

[SoulStorm]

When your husband finds out..and he will, Can you live with yourself after seeing the hurt in his eyes? Will the high be worth that?

[pelicanpreacher]

When your husband finds out..and he will, Can you live with yourself after seeing the hurt in his eyes? Will the high be worth that?

 

In furtherance of this of this precept you might try practicing to truly focus on your husband's happy face anytime thoughts of your OM enters your mind, anytime he contacts you, or run into him by accident. You got into this mess by thinking and behaving selfishly. You can, therefore, only get out of it by thinking and behaving selflessly. The choice is yours...selfish or selfless?

[Reggie]

I'd say you should give serious consideration to telling your spouse> I know this seems farfetched, but, you are exposing him to STD, even if your lover is using condoms. That;s he real, preactical reason for telling.

On the moral/psychological side, I know for me, one of the things I resented themost about my XW;s cheating, was how it robbed me of some of my precious time on this earth. By that I mean we all get a certain amount of time here and limited opportunities for love and fulfillment.

Your H, like me, is abiding by the terms of his agreement with you, his vows. But, you are deceiving him and using your time to pursue the things you want. See, if he knew that you were not honoring the contract, he would have the opportunity to do the same. look for happiness and fulfillment.

Essentially, doing things this way sends your spouse a very clear message: You feel that you and your life are more important than him and his. You feel that you deserve things out of this life that he does not. Bottom line is that you tell your spouse you are entitled to all types of things he is not.

The cheating and the feelings of inferiority, being second choice, will cause a lot of pain.The entitlement will cause anger and resentment.

O f course , alll these feelings will probably ensue once/if the affair is discovered, regardless of whether you end it now. It's water under the bridge.

But, at least if you end it and tell your H now, you will limit the amount of time he loses and he can mitigate his loss.

I think pkn's "reasoning" makes no sense. For some reason, he is not able to see that your own desire to end this can be motivated by consideration of your husband and his feelings. And, that consideration is "your own" reason. A simple concept, consistent with his advocacy for doing this for your own reason, I'm not sure why that concept is too complicated for him.

[Owl]

ILNY...so the question is...HOW are you going to end your affair?

 

You're not going to be able to do so if you have ANY kind of contact whatsoever with OM...its just not going to work. You'll keep TRYING to end...and then keep resuming it again.

 

We've seen this over and over on this site.

 

The only way to do it is to completely go NC with him.

 

Can you do this without your H knowing? My guess is no...because it'll take some kind of major change in your activities to make that happen...and your H is very likely to question that change. Additionally, you're going to go through a massive "withdrawl" at the end of the affair...depression, crying, anxiety, etc...and your H will sense all that going on as well.

 

Start this out by confessing the affair to your H...and get his HELP in ending the affair.

[Brimstone_Angel]

This might be an addiction and if it is you need to see a professional. Seriously before you wind up on Maury asking who's the baby's daddy. I kind of feel for you because it sounds like you are genuinely hurting vice crying for self-pity without taking charge of her own responsibilities. This is a good place to start, but you really need some sit down time with a trained doctor and you may need to bring your husband in on it too.

 

I wish you well and peace be with you.

[SnowWhite924]

Wow! I know exactly how you feel.

 

I was in an A for a year and felt the same exact way you do. Exactly!!!

 

Let me tell you, ending it once and for all and walking away was extremely difficult. I didn't understand why it was sooo hard for me to do it. I've had realtionships in my life where it didn't work out and I've ended it. So why was this one so different?

 

I think a lot of it has to do with that 'head over heals' feeling. You know, the 'high' of it. The 'in love' feeling. You think he's the best thing ever, etc...

 

The bottom line is, you know what you need to do. It seems difficult but for the sake of your marriage, you've got to end it.

 

Take it from me, it's NOT worth it!!

[showmethemoney]

You say your both married, so has either of you thought/suggested about leaving your spouse for the OP? If not, tell the OP you want to leave your husband to be with him and that he should do the same. I think you will be real surprised by his response (not happily). Thats when the selfishness of the affair shows itself. What you have between you and the OP is not love, its two people using each other without making any commitments. That's not love.

[ilovenewyork]

Thanks once again for the replies. This has to have been the worse year of my life - I guess I am not the 'good' person I thought I was. I am a liar, a cheat and can't forgive myself for my behaviour.

[SnowWhite924]

Thanks once again for the replies. This has to have been the worse year of my life - I guess I am not the 'good' person I thought I was. I am a liar, a cheat and can't forgive myself for my behaviour.

 

Yep! I went through the same thing. It's definately a process. Someone on this thread had a good idea. Tell the OP you want both of you to leave your spouses. See what his reaction is. When my ex-MM woke me up the day he said to me 'Have you really thought about how we're going to do it?', that was the day, my thinking of the A changed.

 

I thought, well, if we're not going to 'be together' in a real relationship, then why am I going to continue??? No way! It took months of breaking up and getting back together before I had enough! The weight on my shoulders was too much to bare.

 

Once and for all, I ended it, took time of NC, cried over it, and you know what? It was the best thing.

 

End the A. Cry over it, and rebuild your marriage. The A is not real.

Btw, I'm not in love with my ex-MM anymore so I question whether or not I really did love him or was I in love with the idea of being 'in love'??? Think about it. When you really love someone, don't you always love them?

 

Don't beat yourself up over what you did. Start fresh. Make it count!!!

[Owl]

So the question still remains, ILNY...what are you going to do NOW?

 

You say you want the situation to change. Good. You acknowledge that what you're doing is wrong. Good.

 

So...NOW is the time to change that. Today. Right now.

 

What are you going to DO to make the change?

 

How are you going to end it with OM? Have you worked out how you're going to tell your H?

 

It needs to happen. Now.

 

So...what's the plan? Or do you need help on how making one?

[showmethemoney]

SnowWhite924, that was my point! It's only when one partner makes a decision that they (deciding partner) truly find out where they really stand in the relationship with the OP. She didn't want to end it because she didn't want to feel 'WHAT IF" about the OP. There is no 'what if'! It's a dead-end relationship that will end badly when one of your spouses discovers the affair. Please don't think it won't happen. Your in a long term affair so your chances of getting caught go up every day. Your at a crossroads in your life so I would take Owl's advise. Make a decision! If you don't you will mostly likely end up with neither your husband or the OP.

[SnowWhite924]

ILNY, when I was in your frame of mind, I was lucky enough to find this site. Someone told me that I had to have conviction. Meaning, you have to really want it, and I mean REALLY want it.

 

If you REALLY, deep down in your heart and soul, want to end it, then do it! It won't be easy in the beginning but you have to push yourself forward and do it!! Even if you have setbacks, get up, and try again and again until it sticks. If you've gotten to the point that you just can't take it anymore, then you will realize that the best thing for you is to go through the process until you come out free!

 

You will have a lot of support here to get you through it. I can promise you that.