Why can't I end my affair?

[nicki]

Everyone has given you insightful and helpful advice.

 

I want to add that you ARE breaking free from an addiction, a dysfunctional way of coping....that's what an addiction is, whether it's alcohol, affairs, gambling, etc....the addiction distracts you from your life and the real problems, but the addiction is not your life...

 

So, it's very difficult to leave the very thing that makes your life easier to live. He's your comfort. But, don't you see, that it's your life you need to change so you don't have to cope in such a dysfunctional way?

 

An acoholic who drinks because he hates his job needs a new job, not another drink.

 

Maybe if you identify what you are getting from the affair, you can try to duplicate that in your life, in your marriage...or ask yourself the hard question of whether or not you might believe your marriage is over and you can't face it and you've been having an affair to keep from dealing with it.

 

Either way, please see that your affair is keeping you from living your life. You are in a holding pattern. If you started the affair for selfish reasons, you can also end it for selfish reasons.

 

See that the affair is hurting YOU, and everyone around you. You are in pain.

 

What good can come of what you are doing? So do something new. Start by detaching from the other man. Immediately stop talking to him about how you feel. Go to your husband for that. You must get your needs met. Substitute one healthy thing for the unhealthy thing. That's how you deal with breaking free from an addiction.

 

Don't have sex with him either. Just stop it. Don't put yourself in the position where you are alone with him. It's easier to make an excuse to not meet him than it is to resist him once you are alone.

 

Detach from him. See him as a weapon you are using to hurt yourself. Put the weapon down.

 

Don't go to him for comfort for your pain. You will see how quickly the affair ends itself.

 

Big hug to you. You can do it!

[ilovenewyork]

Thanks guys. Your replies are just what I need to hear.

 

I want to end my affair because of the dishonesty and lies I am creating. I want to end it because I am aware it's not real life. It's wrong. I love my husband and want 'us' back.

 

I am not wanting to end it because my feelings for my MM have changed. He is under my skin. I adore him. But I am trying to be sensible and am aware that affairs aren't real life and that connection and spark with my husband must be able to come back with some hard work - on my part.

 

Thank you for not judging me. I will keep you posted.

[ilovenewyork]

P.S Yes the affair is stopping me from living my life. My life is on hold. As for my husband...he doesn't deserve this.

 

I just want to feel that attraction again to my husband, sometimes it feels like he is my brother or a best friend but nothing else. I want to hate my MM for pursuing me (my fault too of course), I want to lose all respect for him like I have for me. All I do is pine for him. It's pathetic!

 

I am going to regain control of my life.

[SnowWhite924]

 

Maybe if you identify what you are getting from the affair, you can try to duplicate that in your life, in your marriage...

 

Absolutely! Spend alone time with your husband. Work on getting that spark back. It'll take time but it does happen.

 

If you started the affair for selfish reasons, you can also end it for selfish reasons.

 

I agree. You went into the A being selfish so leave it the same way. Work on freeing yourself and saving your marriage!!

 

See that the affair is hurting YOU, and everyone around you. You are in pain.

 

If you weren't in pain, you wouldn't be writing here. Listen to yourself.

 

Start by detaching from the other man. Immediately stop talking to him about how you feel. Go to your husband for that. You must get your needs met.Substitute one healthy thing for the unhealthy thing. That's how you deal with breaking free from an addiction.

 

Look to your husband to fulfill your needs. He's your priority!

 

Don't have sex with him either. Just stop it. Don't put yourself in the position where you are alone with him. It's easier to make an excuse to not meet him than it is to resist him once you are alone.

 

Run away from him like he's the plague because he is. He's the drug you need to stear clear from.

 

Detach from him. See him as a weapon you are using to hurt yourself. Put the weapon down.

 

Don't go to him for comfort for your pain. You will see how quickly the affair ends itself.

 

Big hug to you. You can do it!

 

This is excellent advice!!! Read it over and over again until it sticks in your brain and you yell out Enough!

[mental_traveller]

Hi, I need help.

 

I am a married woman having an affair with a married man. It has been going on for seven months now. I am disgusted at myself.

 

I love my husband, he does not deserve this.

 

I want to get back that spark, that connection, the 17 years of bliss we have had. So why can't I end my affair? Why can't I just do it?

 

This affair is making me ill. The guilt is consuming me.

 

But I feel head over heels in love with him...and he is with me.

 

How can I love two men? I know I need to end the affair as it's the right thing to do. Why can't I do it? Help!

 

Easy - tell your husband everything. Everything else is just excuses.

[Blue Eyed Brain]

U are fooling yourself. If you had 17 years of bliss you wouldn't be in an affair, asking us about what to do. Your marriage has problems. Figure out what they are.... maybe first think about what u like about the affair maybe a start to what your problem is....

[lkjh]

U are fooling yourself. If you had 17 years of bliss you wouldn't be in an affair, asking us about what to do. Your marriage has problems. Figure out what they are.... maybe first think about what u like about the affair maybe a start to what your problem is....

 

Why do people always say this? Don't you think it is possible for a M to be pretty good but after 17 years a weak person may get bored and look elsewhere? Nobody has a perfect marriage, thats just life. It is possible for someone to be happy in a good marriage and still have an affair. Trying to blame problems is justifying the affair.

[lkjh]

She is a grown woman and capable of making choices on her own. There isn't some force driving her to an affair caused by problems. She can make the choice not to but she chose to go ahead.

[GreenEyedLady]

Why do people always say this? Don't you think it is possible for a M to be pretty good but after 17 years a weak person may get bored and look elsewhere? Nobody has a perfect marriage, thats just life. It is possible for someone to be happy in a good marriage and still have an affair. Trying to blame problems is justifying the affair.

 

So a good marriage includes a partner who lies and cheats? I don't think so...In most cases of infidelity the cheating partner does so because something is missing. It's not a justification, it's an observation. Now of course the WS could have chosen another way to deal with what's missing ie talking to their spouse, but it seems that a lot of WS have difficulty expressing their needs to their partner and communicating in general about confrontational items. And they fear rejection from the partner. Plus, it's hard work and it's easier for them to have an affair.

 

As for your comment about people being in a happy marrriage and have an affair, THEY are the problem. And if their partner knew, it wouldn't be a happy marriage would it?

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

She is a grown woman and capable of making choices on her own. There isn't some force driving her to an affair caused by problems. She can make the choice not to but she chose to go ahead.

 

You're right she is a grown woman and she made her choice. Everyone's choices are affected by their circumstances. The driving force could be getting older, wanting to feel attractive to the opposite sex. The problem is most likely within herself.

[Reggie]

So a good marriage includes a partner who lies and cheats? I don't think so...In most cases of infidelity the cheating partner does so because something is missing. It's not a justification, it's an observation. Now of course the WS could have chosen another way to deal with what's missing ie talking to their spouse, but it seems that a lot of WS have difficulty expressing their needs to their partner and communicating in general about confrontational items. And they fear rejection from the partner. Plus, it's hard work and it's easier for them to have an affair.

 

As for your comment about people being in a happy marrriage and have an affair, THEY are the problem. And if their partner knew, it wouldn't be a happy marriage would it?

 

GEL

Well, GEL, doesn't your marriage include at least on person with a history of lying and cheating? Yet, you seem content.

And, where folks come up with the idea that the WS is the only one with dissatisfaction, pre_A, is beyond me. Most WS's are conflict avoiders and poor communicators/ Thye end to do less than their share in contibuting what is neccessary for a happy marriage.

[lkjh]

So a good marriage includes a partner who lies and cheats? I don't think so...In most cases of infidelity the cheating partner does so because something is missing. It's not a justification, it's an observation. Now of course the WS could have chosen another way to deal with what's missing ie talking to their spouse, but it seems that a lot of WS have difficulty expressing their needs to their partner and communicating in general about confrontational items. And they fear rejection from the partner. Plus, it's hard work and it's easier for them to have an affair.

 

As for your comment about people being in a happy marrriage and have an affair, THEY are the problem. And if their partner knew, it wouldn't be a happy marriage would it?

 

GEL

 

GEL,

When people ASSUME there are problems in someones M that caused them to cheat, we are justifying the affair. Yes marriages have problems but when the cheater admits they are happy in their marriage and love their SO we should assume they are telling the truth. Instead we try to look for some reason other than the fact that some people are just weak. People have to take responsibility for their actions, they simply can't blame some force that drove them to cheat. This is the same thing people do when they are failing a class; instead of saying they didn't study correctly they blame the class or professor. Its just shifting the blame to something other than the ADULT person committing the act

[GreenEyedLady]

Well, GEL, doesn't your marriage include at least on person with a history of lying and cheating? Yet, you seem content.

 

Let me break it down for you since you need a little help:

 

We are not talking "history" of lying and cheating."

 

We were talking about cheating in a happy marriage. Oxymoron if you ask me.

 

I'm content because our M is based on open communication lines.

 

So keep on hating, if that's what makes you happy.

 

Doesn't affect me at all.

 

GEL

[GreenEyedLady]

GEL,

When people ASSUME there are problems in someones M that caused them to cheat, we are justifying the affair. Yes marriages have problems but when the cheater admits they are happy in their marriage and love their SO we should assume they are telling the truth. Instead we try to look for some reason other than the fact that some people are just weak. People have to take responsibility for their actions, they simply can't blame some force that drove them to cheat. This is the same thing people do when they are failing a class; instead of saying they didn't study correctly they blame the class or professor. Its just shifting the blame to something other than the ADULT person committing the act

 

You are missing my point.

 

Which is that there's a problem within the person cheating. Figuring it out will only help the BS.

[Reggie]

Let me break it down for you since you need a little help:

 

We are not talking "history" of lying and cheating."

 

We were talking about cheating in a happy marriage. Oxymoron if you ask me.

 

I'm content because our M is based on open communication lines.

 

So keep on hating, if that's what makes you happy.

 

Doesn't affect me at all.

 

GEL

 

GEL, I have no hate for you. Pity, yes, for one so deluded. Your need to cling desperately to the notion that your new husband , with his history of infidelity, has integrity is sad. Same with your incredible investment with the notion that the BS or the marriage must have driven the WS to cheat.

It's simple, really. Folks that cheat lack the qualities needed for a succesful marriage. things like communication skills, integrity, problem solving ability. I suspect you will find this out somewhere down the road.

[SnowWhite924]

I can only speak for myself. I was married 13 years. Considered myself happily married right before the A started. I didn't think anything was lacking in my marriage (but maybe there was).

 

After looking back to the start of the A, and thinking about why it started, I think it's because I had low self-esteem.

 

I was just about to turn 40 yrs old and was questioning my appearance and attractiveness. I wondered if I was still that hot woman guys used to fall over. Why did it matter?? I wasn't looking for men, I was happily married!!

 

Since I needed to know if men were still attracted to me, I focused on one particular man, who happened to be in my presence a lot.

 

Well, unfortunately, I still 'had it' alright and the A began. Guess I should've taken his compliments, fed my ego, and walked away. But instead, I didn't and I kept feeding my ego with the 'high' of the A.

 

Of course, I should have told my H, I was lacking self-esteem. Maybe all I needed was to hear him tell me I was still beautiful even at the age of 40. But I am not blaming him. I blame myself for my stupidity.

 

I fell 'in love' with this man and blamed my husband for the A. Now I know it had nothing to do with my H and everything to do with me.

 

After the A, I had to work hard to reconnect and fall in love with my husband all over again.

 

Today, I'm happy to say, I'm back to being happily married. I've learned a very hard lesson from this and don't wish it on anyone.

[lkjh]

I can only speak for myself. I was married 13 years. Considered myself happily married right before the A started. I didn't think anything was lacking in my marriage (but maybe there was).

 

After looking back to the start of the A, and thinking about why it started, I think it's because I had low self-esteem.

 

I was just about to turn 40 yrs old and was questioning my appearance and attractiveness. I wondered if I was still that hot woman guys used to fall over. Why did it matter?? I wasn't looking for men, I was happily married!!

 

Since I needed to know if men were still attracted to me, I focused on one particular man, who happened to be in my presence a lot.

 

Well, unfortunately, I still 'had it' alright and the A began. Guess I should've taken his compliments, fed my ego, and walked away. But instead, I didn't and I kept feeding my ego with the 'high' of the A.

 

Of course, I should have told my H, I was lacking self-esteem. Maybe all I needed was to hear him tell me I was still beautiful even at the age of 40. But I am not blaming him. I blame myself for my stupidity.

 

I fell 'in love' with this man and blamed my husband for the A. Now I know it had nothing to do with my H and everything to do with me.

 

After the A, I had to work hard to reconnect and fall in love with my husband all over again.

 

Today, I'm happy to say, I'm back to being happily married. I've learned a very hard lesson from this and don't wish it on anyone.

 

 

I can respect the fact that you take responsibility. Its good that you realize your self-esteem was the issue and not some force that you had no control over. Did you tell your H about your affair?

[SnowWhite924]

I can respect the fact that you take responsibility. Its good that you realize your self-esteem was the issue and not some force that you had no control over. Did you tell your H about your affair?[/quote]

 

No. I never told him. I know that if I did or do, our lives as we know it would be over. I know a lot of people on this site think the BS deserves the truth. I understand that, however, if my H was the one having the A, I rather him end it and never tell me. They say, ignorance is bliss.

 

I live with guilt and regret every day. I know what I did was wrong and I have to live with myself and the choices I've made. Unfortunately, I can't change the past but I can make better decisions now and in the future.

[Owl]

If you knew for a fact that your lives would be completely different if your H knew...if you knew for a fact he'd divorce you or whatever...

 

...do you feel that its fair TO HIM to not give him the option to make that choice?

 

Do you feel that its ok to keep him with you under those false pretenses, rather than to let him make his own choices in the marriage, with all the information?

 

Do you think he'd rather you lied to him about it, or told him the truth?

[SnowWhite924]

I know he would NOT want to know. He has told me in the past that if I ever cheated, he'd never want to find out about it.

 

I understand why some would think it's not fair for the BS to be left in the dark. However, I'm doing what is best for me and my family. Some may agree, some may disagree. I'm not going to argue over it.

 

Sometimes, you have to see what's best for everyone. I'm not going to hurt my husband, my children, and break us apart because of my stupidity. Yes, I should've thought of that BEFORE having an A but obviously, I didn't.

 

I'm going to learn from my mistake and move on.

[Owl]

Thank you for answering my questions.

[Dexter Morgan]

Hi, I need help.

 

I am a married woman having an affair with a married man. It has been going on for seven months now. I am disgusted at myself.

 

I love my husband, he does not deserve this.

 

But I feel head over heels in love with him...and he is with me.

 

Then divorce your husband and set him free.

 

 

How can I love two men?

 

You can't, I don't care what anyone says.

 

If you loved your husband, you wouldn't be having sex with another man.

 

 

I know I need to end the affair as it's the right thing to do. Why can't I do it? Help!

 

I don't think you need to end the affair. I think you need to end your marriage.

[Dexter Morgan]

I can respect the fact that you take responsibility. Its good that you realize your self-esteem was the issue and not some force that you had no control over. Did you tell your H about your affair?

 

No. I never told him. I know that if I did or do, our lives as we know it would be over.

 

Thats EXACTLY why you need to tell him then. Because if you know he'd end it because of infidelity, then not telling him would be for your own selfish, self-serving reasons.

 

 

I know a lot of people on this site think the BS deserves the truth. I understand that, however, if my H was the one having the A, I rather him end it and never tell me. They say, ignorance is bliss.

 

Well you keep telling yourself that all the while messing around with another man.

 

 

I live with guilt and regret every day. I know what I did was wrong and I have to live with myself and the choices I've made. Unfortunately, I can't change the past but I can make better decisions now and in the future.

 

You can't change the past? excuse me, but you are still in an affair. The past is still your present. You said that you reconnected with your husband, but then you originally said that you can't give up the affair? All this happened in a matter of a couple weeks?? Are you still seeing the OM or not?

 

Either way, your husband deserves to know so he can make a decision about whether he wants to stay with a cheater or not, but your desires are all that matters here, right?

[Dexter Morgan]

If you knew for a fact that your lives would be completely different if your H knew...if you knew for a fact he'd divorce you or whatever...

 

...do you feel that its fair TO HIM to not give him the option to make that choice?

 

 

EXACTLY

 

 

Do you feel that its ok to keep him with you under those false pretenses, rather than to let him make his own choices in the marriage, with all the information?

 

Do you think he'd rather you lied to him about it, or told him the truth?

 

 

As I said, that is simply keeping him in the dark for her own outcome.

 

Whether someone knows or not that their SO is cheating, they know something isn't quite right. They had to be spending time apart so they could screw around, affections had to be withheld so that the cheating partner could gratify themselves.

 

I always had my suspicions, but had the frame of mind that I trust until given a reasonable and tangible reason to not trust. Boy was I a fool. And because it took someone coming forward to tell me other than my xW, I felt that too many years of my life were wasted.

 

Her husband WILL feel the same I suspect if he ever finds out, and will resent the hell out of her for keeping him in the dark and playing him for a fool for so many years.

[lkjh]

I know he would NOT want to know. He has told me in the past that if I ever cheated, he'd never want to find out about it.

 

I understand why some would think it's not fair for the BS to be left in the dark. However, I'm doing what is best for me and my family. Some may agree, some may disagree. I'm not going to argue over it.

 

Sometimes, you have to see what's best for everyone. I'm not going to hurt my husband, my children, and break us apart because of my stupidity. Yes, I should've thought of that BEFORE having an A but obviously, I didn't.

 

I'm going to learn from my mistake and move on.

 

Then you are still disrespecting your H and living in the same selfish manner that led to the affair. You can not fix something by lying about it. Your M is not just about you! You can not use your family as an excuse to lie; you didn't care enough about them before so its not right to play that card now.This may not be what you believe but your H should have some say in his life. One day your H is going to find out and when he does he is going to feel 10X worst. He will feel like you made him out to be a fool. Good luck but I feel sorry for your H