Partner has a crush

[ConfusedAtHome]

Sorry you're going through this. I've learned from my experience and other poster's on here that a crush at work and needing space isn't usually a good thing for a relationship.

 

When I first posted, I recieved a lot of helpful advice. However, the best help you get on these boards isn't the advice given you, but reading about the situations that these people are going through and watching how they turn out. You'll find the same situations play out over and over. You'll find that the friendship a man or woman has at work that upsets their partner at home, usually turns out to be more serious than the person involved in the friendship admits in the first place. You'll find that when one partner sais they need more space, they usually are interested in someone else or trying to break from the relationship.

 

Anyways, look up EA or emotional affair on these boards and else where. Also lookup opposite best friend and marriage (I know you're partner is the same sex and so is the friend, but you'll find a lot more written advice this way).

 

The only other advice I can give, is that you can't change your partner, but you can set your bounderies and let her know what they are. You can let her know that you're not going to just sit there and wait for her to make all the decisions. If she doesn't change what she is doing, you can act. Good luck.

 

Thank you. I'm just so emotional right now and just feeling that I deserve better...and I do.

[angie2443]

Thank you. I'm just so emotional right now and just feeling that I deserve better...and I do.

 

This is a good start!

[ConfusedAtHome]

This is a good start!

 

 

But it doesn't feel good.

[Al_Bundy]

Wow, did you even read the thread?

 

Wow, why yes I did, and he said "she admitted to me that she has a "crush" on a co-worker"

 

Any part of that you didn't understand?

[Al_Bundy]

But it doesn't feel good.

 

It will once you ditch her and start dating again. You can find someone that you deserve, and that deserves you.

[angie2443]

Wow, why yes I did, and he said "she admitted to me that she has a "crush" on a co-worker"

 

Any part of that you didn't understand?

 

I think what they were reffering to was the fact that the OP is a woman who has a partner that is a woman who has a crush on a woman at work.

[angie2443]

But it doesn't feel good.

 

It won't feel good untill the situation ends and you've had time to recover. Right now, it's just going to hurt. I've been there, sort of, and it does get better. You just have change the situation for the better.

[Al_Bundy]

It won't feel good untill the situation ends and you've had time to recover. Right now, it's just going to hurt. I've been there, sort of, and it does get better. You just have change the situation for the better.

 

Unless it was mentioned later on in the thread, point out in the first post, to which I was responding, that indicated any such thing. Only thing I saw was the word "straight", but didn't think anything of it. Could have meant straight and narrow as if they don't mess around with other people or on their own significant other.

 

Either way, it doesn't change the advice.

[angie2443]

It's somewhere down the line in a response from the OP.

[Al_Bundy]

It's somewhere down the line in a response from the OP.

 

didn't see it, was responding to the first post.

[angie2443]

I'm not attacking or anything. Just letting you know the details of the situation. Either way, though, you're right in that it doesn't change the advice that should be given.

[whichwayisup]

I concede...you guys were right.

 

Now my partner is saying she is "confused" about her feelings for her co-worker. Her friends say this "crush" will pass and look at the big pic. They all like me and and think I'm perfect for her, so they aren't giving her advice and she doesn't know where to turn.

 

I told her to seek professional help to figure this out, so we can move on together or separately.

 

I will be here often and I appreciate your advice and comfort during this time. Thanks.

 

I am sorry to hear this, but not surprised. People who ask for "space", let alone ask their partner to leave the house so they can get that space, is a big red flag.

 

I hope that she does go to counselling to sort this out, and isn't using this time as an excuse to get closer to the OW, see how that goes, and then decide if she wants you or not.

 

Bottomline, put a time limit on this. If she's unsure about it in another month or so, then move out. You don't need to be treated like second fiddle in your home with her, that's just cruel.

 

Take care of you, and please keep posting.

[Owl]

I too, am sorry to hear this.

 

My advice to you would be to treat this like any of the other emotional affairs I've seen.

 

Go pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair". Go over to marriagebuilders.com and read their free material (but AVOID the forum!!!).

 

Read up specifically on the love bank concept, lovebusters, and plan a and plan B.

 

You need to start an immediate plan A.

[ConfusedAtHome]

I too, am sorry to hear this.

 

My advice to you would be to treat this like any of the other emotional affairs I've seen.

 

Go pick up a copy of "Surviving an Affair". Go over to marriagebuilders.com and read their free material (but AVOID the forum!!!).

 

Read up specifically on the love bank concept, lovebusters, and plan a and plan B.

 

You need to start an immediate plan A.

 

Thanks Owl. I will definitely be reading up on those.

[whichwayisup]

This person is her direct supervisor

 

Here's another reason why your gf should NOT pursue this woman. She isn't just a co-worker, she's her direct supervisor! IF she chooses to end things with you and go date this woman, not only will your gf be putting her job in on the line for the unknown, but also you and your relationship.

 

Love is a choice and so is staying in a relationship. She can't just go off and try someone else out to see if that works, or fool around, then come back to you.

 

This is ALOT deeper than you think it is, yes, she's being honest - But she hasn't let you in on what the OW is thinking or saying about this. I'm betting that they HAVE had some sort of conversation(s) about feelings and what to do with them.

[ConfusedAtHome]

Hi everyone,

 

Things had been getting better and my partner was saying she was getting over her crush. However, I saw her texting the crush a lot this weekend and confronted my partner. She said she can't get this OW out of her head and she has tried. I told her she needs to go to counseling and get herself figured out. She said she doesn't know if this indicates a problem with our relationship or if she just takes me for granted. I thought things were fine with us until this.

 

This is difficult b/c I feel helpless. I love her but there is only so much I can take and I told her I was near my breaking point. She has been somewhat affectionate, but I'm keeping my emotional distance to protect myself.

 

As for the previous post asking if the OW and my partner had a conversation about this...the answer is no.

[whichwayisup]

She hasn't tried that hard if she's still texting. She's giving in and scared of not having this OW in her life.

 

Bottomline, she has to choose, go NC (no contact) with the OW for good, or your relationship IS going to suffer and get worse. Trust issues, resentment and alot of pain is around the corner if she doesn't stop communicating with the OW.

 

You mean she has NOT told the OW to back off?

[ConfusedAtHome]

She hasn't tried that hard if she's still texting. She's giving in and scared of not having this OW in her life.

 

Bottomline, she has to choose, go NC (no contact) with the OW for good, or your relationship IS going to suffer and get worse. Trust issues, resentment and alot of pain is around the corner if she doesn't stop communicating with the OW.

 

You mean she has NOT told the OW to back off?

 

The OW doesn't know the extent of the crush and I'm sure she thinks its innocent fun. I blame this mostly on my partner.

 

I told her that she hasn't tried and the texting is disrespectful to me. She can't go completely NC bc they work together.

[Owl]

If you suspect that the OW doesn't understand what's going on...perhaps you might TACTFULLY have a discussion with her to enlighten her, and ask her assistance in distancing herself from your partner to protect your relationship.

 

I'd also tell you that this is a HUGE red flag when you're partner is refusing to give up contact....HUGE.

 

I think that you need to be considering some strong 'boundaries' that YOU need to enforce.

 

Tell your partner that you don't want to be in a relationship with three people. Make it clear that her 'crush' is bringing the OW into your relationship...and that HER poor boundaries are destroying YOUR relationship with her.

 

The bottom line is simple...she probably is going to have to change jobs...or you can expect this to continue, or your relationship with her to end.

[Goldstar]

I can add a little to this thread as I am currently working through a "crush" on a straight woman while in a committed lesbian relationship.

 

In my last relationship I developed a crush on another lesbian, I told my then partner about it becuase I couldn't lie to her. It hurt her terribly, it did not bring us closer. I never acted on that crush because my gay friend had good boundries. I am sorry to say I would have cheated at that time if given the opportunity.

 

Fastforward to another relationship and another crush. This one though completely blind-sided me as she is straight. I didn't see this one comming at all! We just became friends and wham it was like being hit by a 2 x 4.

 

I was never going to tell my crush about my feelings (I just posted a few days ago about it on the friends forum). I was going to work through them. I was also not going to tell my partner.

 

The crush figured it out anyway and I have gone LC as a result. Here is what I have learned.

 

#1 Crushes are signs something is wrong at home, at least for me. I may not want to admit it, it isn't pretty, but that's the truth for me. Some need is not being met at home.

 

Hopefully for you, your girlfriend's crush will not be interested, because that's all that is saving your girl from sleeping with her.

[ConfusedAtHome]

Well, after last night I think the OW does have an idea that my partner has a crush on her. I think the OW likes the attention and feeds the flirting a bit.

 

I don't know the OW well and I am not willing to speak with her at this point due to the job situation of my partner.

 

My partner is "confused" and I told her to seek counseling. We also discussed separating, however I don't know if that is beneficial at this point. Maybe some time apart would give her clarity and me as well. However, if we separate I don't think my feelings would be the same.

 

Honestly, I think my partner wants out to "see what's out there", but is scared that she might be making a huge mistake. She even said last night she is worried that she will regret a breakup. She said she doesn't know how it came to this b/c months ago we were talking about how great our relationship was and how well we were doing. I guess all that has changed.

 

I deserve better than this and I deserve someone that believes in fidelity on all levels.

 

Question is: Are there people (especially lesbians) like that out there? I feel jaded at this point and cynical.

[whichwayisup]

Honestly, I think my partner wants out to "see what's out there", but is scared that she might be making a huge mistake.

 

Yes, well, when people are in committed relationships, it's a CHOICE to not let others get in the way of the relationship. Your gf has chosen to allow the crush to grow, enough that it's made her wonder 'what else is out there..' and yes, it could be the grass is greener - THAT is something SHE has to live with if you two break up and she goes off to try to be with the OW...If that doesn't work out, she cannot, I repeat, cannot come crawling back in hopes that you'll take her back. Once she's out, she's OUT for good. She cannot go off, experiment with the OW and then come back to you saying all is good now, let's get back together. No way!! She needs to decide - You and what you two have shared or break up so she can be with the OW.

 

Definately! You deserve better! You are a lovely person and have a big heart - Your gf is crazy to let someone else in, seeing as your relationship seemed to have been pretty good, she's the one who is broken inside and ruining your relationship. It's not you or anything you've done. She's changed and disconnected. I hope for her sake she does seek counselling and then works her ass off to make this up to you! Because right now, her keeping you on the fence must really suck and be painful...To sit and wait for her to decide when the shoe is going to drop is just plain cruel, intentional or not.

[Owl]

The point your partner is at isn't ucommon at all. It happens in all kinds of relationships from time to time.

 

My wife was at the same point during her emotional affair with another man. At one point, she honestly asked me "Why can't you just let me go see if what we've got is real or not? If its not, I'll come back to you!".

 

I've said it before, but I'm going to say it again.

 

BOUNDARIES.

 

You need to make it very clear to your partner that she needs to make a choice...a COMMITTMENT...to one or the other...RIGHT NOW.

 

Either she's out "playing the field"...or she's with you.

 

Make it clear that you're NOT WILLING to be her backup plan if her 'playing the field" fails. You're no longer going to sit there and accept her being half in and half out of your relationship.

 

She makes a choice...TODAY.

 

And she implements that choice...TODAY.

 

If her choice is "the field"...then she moves out tonite.

 

If her choice is working on the relationship...she puts in her notice at work first thing in the morning.

 

That simple and point blank.

 

You deserve better...and this is how you get it.

[ConfusedAtHome]

Last night my partner comes home and says that she definitely wants to work on our relationship, so she is going to go to counseling alone first to work out some issues with herself and then I will join at the appropriate time. I guess time will tell where this will go.

[Owl]

Great that she acknowledges that she wants to work on the relationship.

 

BAD that she wants to go to individual counseling first.

 

IC's don't focus on relationships at all. They don't care if your partnership makes it or not...its the LAST of their priorities. So their advice is often DETRIMENTAL to any relationships that the patient may be involved in.

 

She needs to see a RELATIONSHIP counselor jointly with you to fix things in the relationship. If there are things that can't be fixed there, THEN she goes to an IC...that the MC recommends...to work on HER issues.

 

Doing it the other way will more than likely destroy your relationship. Doing it the way I suggest gives BOTH her and your relationship a chance to heal.