Partner has a crush

[bish]

Well, she wants "alone" time...not necessarily space as in a break-up. She is the type of person that needs time to herself and there is nothing wrong with that.

 

 

Uh huh. And if you find out she has seen someone else, she'll pull out that old, "we were on a break" excuse. She wants time to herself and has a crush on another guy. Think man think!!!

 

 

I think the crush has to do with the "ho-hum" of everyday relationships and it happens. Everyday life isn't always fun and exciting.

 

Well if thats the case and this is how she deals with it, then you are in for a world of hurt in the future when things get REALLY "ho-hum".

 

She is an affair waiting to happen. If she can get this bored and "ho-hum" about being with the same guy for too long(your assertion here), then what do you think would happen years down the road?

[ConfusedAtHome]

I have another question that you might have already answered. Are you sure this woman your partner has a crush on is straight?

 

Yes, I am absolutely sure of it.

 

 

Uh huh. And if you find out she has seen someone else, she'll pull out that old, "we were on a break" excuse. She wants time to herself and has a crush on another guy. Think man think!!!

 

First, I'm in a lesbian relationship. Secondly, we are not breaking up or going on a break. She just wants some time apart to do things she likes to do, but I usually tag along. I guess what I'm trying to say is that she wants me to find more of my identity outside our relationship and that, in turn, will make us stronger.

 

Unless you are restricting her from ever doing an activity without you or leaving the house without you, or even going off to the bedroom to be alone for awhile, I don't understand her request for you to leave the house for a night.

 

I'm not restricting her, but I do go wherever she goes either by ourselves or with her friends. I don't have a core group of friends where we live, so I tag along and I think that smothers her.

[angie2443]

I'm not restricting her, but I do go wherever she goes either by ourselves or with her friends. I don't have a core group of friends where we live, so I tag along and I think that smothers her.

 

If this is all it is, then maybe if she had a weekly activity that she did without you it might help the situation. Does she have something she could on a regular basis that could give her some alone time?

[ConfusedAtHome]

If this is all it is, then maybe if she had a weekly activity that she did without you it might help the situation. Does she have something she could on a regular basis that could give her some alone time?

 

Well, I'm actually going to do some activities on my own without her and she has a passion for horses and riding and she has a baby horse that will be here in a month and that will give her focus and time away from me.

 

I honestly think that's all it is...we spend too much time together and we need to have things to do apart and then we will appreciate the time we do spend together.

[JamesM]

I honestly think that's all it is...we spend too much time together and we need to have things to do apart and then we will appreciate the time we do spend together.

 

Or you will find that the two of you are better off alone, and you will grow apart.

[ConfusedAtHome]

Or you will find that the two of you are better off alone, and you will grow apart.

 

Uplifting. Thank you.

[JamesM]

Uplifting. Thank you.

 

I am sorry. I did not mean it to be a downer. In the long run while painful now, it could be best for both of you.

[angie2443]

I was thinking about this. I think it's good to have maybe one night a week to yourself while in a relationship. If you need more though, I think it's a sign of trouble. Afterall, if you don't want to spend most of your time together, why are in a long term relationship to begin with?

 

This is just a general question and is not specifically directed to the OP.

[Owl]

Those words make me cautious, of course. And I understand what they mean.

 

My partner stated she wanted the house to herself for a night a week while I go do an extracurricular activity. She even said it's not meeting up with friends or anyone else, she just wants to be alone for a few hours a few times a week.

 

We have been together 3 years and the most time we have ever spent apart is 5 days straight. So, for 3 years we have been basically together most of our time outside of work.

 

Do you REALLY think she'd TELL you if it was for meeting up with someone else????? I mean, c'mon!

 

I'm sorry, but there are tons of red flags in the situation that you've described. She's using the standard phrases, the normal things that we've seen from tons of "waywards" on this forum.

 

I know you don't want to consider that this is likely...but you really do need to learn more about what's going on before you can make that decision as to how far this situation has gone.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, or mean. Not at all...but I want you to understand that I think that you're looking for a way to avoid having to see what may well be going on here.

 

I did that for a good while in my wife's affair. Its a common thing among 'betrayed spouses'. It'll go on until something FORCES you to see what's happening...the risk is, that may be so late in the game that recovery has become impossible by that point. That's why I keep pushing for you to consider this NOW, rather than later.

[angie2443]

I'm wondering if there's someone else in the picture. You say that you know for a fact that the woman she says she has a crush on is straight. Maybe, then, this is just her way of telling that she is developing feelings for someone else and feeling safe about it at the same time. Maybe she has a crush on someone else who could return these feelings but she's not confortable telling you the whole story so she tells half of the story. I don't know. I'm just guessing here.

[ConfusedAtHome]

Do you REALLY think she'd TELL you if it was for meeting up with someone else????? I mean, c'mon!

 

I'm sorry, but there are tons of red flags in the situation that you've described. She's using the standard phrases, the normal things that we've seen from tons of "waywards" on this forum.

 

I know you don't want to consider that this is likely...but you really do need to learn more about what's going on before you can make that decision as to how far this situation has gone.

 

I don't mean to sound harsh, or mean. Not at all...but I want you to understand that I think that you're looking for a way to avoid having to see what may well be going on here.

 

I did that for a good while in my wife's affair. Its a common thing among 'betrayed spouses'. It'll go on until something FORCES you to see what's happening...the risk is, that may be so late in the game that recovery has become impossible by that point. That's why I keep pushing for you to consider this NOW, rather than later.

 

Trust me, I would rather see it now than later. What should I do? Ask her if she is cheating on me? She already told me she is not, so what would asking again do for us?

 

The thing I know about my partner is this: she is brutally honest. Even if it is hurtful, she says what is on her mind...good or bad. Of course, everyone on here will say she's lying, etc and will lie to cover up, but I just feel that knowing her when I asked if she was cheating, she would tell me. Call it ignorance if you wish, but I can only ask and take her answer.

[whichwayisup]

All you can do is wait this out. And watch..Notice if she is acting differently after having 'her time' with her friends..Or 'friend'.

 

I have to say, I find it odd that she wants you out of the house once a week so she can have her 'space.' Is your place small or something? There's no reason why one of you can't be upstairs and the other downstairs.. It's just you leaving so she can have an evening to herself, seems strange.

 

You know her, we don't. All we can go on is what you've told us about her. If you trust her at her word, then you have nothing to worry about. Though with that being said, you don't really 'know' the intentions of the OW - Yes she may be straight, but what if she's bi-curious? She could think your gf is 'safe' because she's taken and in a relationship, so if something 'were to happen' it wouldn't really go anywhere. Hope that makes sense to you.

[ConfusedAtHome]

All you can do is wait this out. And watch..Notice if she is acting differently after having 'her time' with her friends..Or 'friend'.

 

I have to say, I find it odd that she wants you out of the house once a week so she can have her 'space.' Is your place small or something? There's no reason why one of you can't be upstairs and the other downstairs.. It's just you leaving so she can have an evening to herself, seems strange.

 

You know her, we don't. All we can go on is what you've told us about her. If you trust her at her word, then you have nothing to worry about. Though with that being said, you don't really 'know' the intentions of the OW - Yes she may be straight, but what if she's bi-curious? She could think your gf is 'safe' because she's taken and in a relationship, so if something 'were to happen' it wouldn't really go anywhere. Hope that makes sense to you.

 

Right, and waiting is the most difficult part. She is not acting differently (still affectionate, calling me the pet name she has for me, etc) she was just frustrated with needing sometime to herself that she told me all of this. Could she be cheating? Of course.

 

Our house is extremely small and you can be as far away as possible from one another and only be 20 yards away. So, there isn't a lot of room to "escape".

 

I don't know the woman well enough to know if she is bi-curious. Unfortunately, a lot of women are, so she could see it as an opportunity to experiment with no repercussions for her b/c she is single and straight. On the other hand, that presents MAJOR problems for my relationship.

 

I guess I just have to wait and see.

[whichwayisup]

If you start to see any red flags, behaviour changes, her asking for MORE time and space, or her going out more, being secretive - That's when you put it all out there for her.

 

In the meantime, what can you do so you can enjoy 'your time?' Do you have a hobby you enjoy that gets you out of the house? Doing things just for you is important. Being independant, even in a relationship is crucial because relying on someone else to meet all your needs, make you happy all of the time, puts alot of pressure on the other person.

[ConfusedAtHome]

If you start to see any red flags, behaviour changes, her asking for MORE time and space, or her going out more, being secretive - That's when you put it all out there for her.

 

In the meantime, what can you do so you can enjoy 'your time?' Do you have a hobby you enjoy that gets you out of the house? Doing things just for you is important. Being independant, even in a relationship is crucial because relying on someone else to meet all your needs, make you happy all of the time, puts alot of pressure on the other person.

 

Thank you...I will be looking for all of those things and she knows I will be. That is why I feel optimistic b/c she could have not told me about any of this and gone behind my back with her thoughts and feelings, but she knows I am aware of the situation and will have my eyes open for any changes.

 

I will, in the meantime, make time for myself and take my well-being into consideration for once and hope for the best.

[Owl]

I'd suggest you start looking at her interactions with this other woman...and anyone else.

 

Affairs require communication...so I'd look at her cell phone use. If you see a huge number of calls/texts to one number, or a couple of specific ones, and you have no idea who they are, or if they ARE to someone to suspect....

 

Also look at internet usage. IM/email accounts that she might use to communicate with these other women. Potentially you could consider putting a keylogger on the home computer to get her logins and passwords to any 'hidden' accounts.

 

There are a lot of other ideas...but you get the gist of it.

 

For example...I suspected my wife of starting an online emotional affair with another man. I hacked her IM accounts, and enabled logging. I did the same thing with her MMORPG game account...and I looked at her cell phone usage.

 

I found that she'd started calling him and taking calls from him for the two months prior to that timeframe. And the frequency and duration of these calls were ramping up.

 

I found in her IM's that the affair was much further along than I suspected...they were right in the phase where they were looking to meet up and consumate the relationship.

 

Checking the lines of communication is probably the easiest/most successful way to catch if anything is going on.

[ConfusedAtHome]

Did you decide to stay with your wife?

[Owl]

Yes, and she decided to stay with me. This all happened over four years ago. Our marriage now is better than ever.

 

It took us about two years to deal with the issues created by her choices...but we've done so very successfully.

 

Hence, I'm posting here now trying to possibly help others that may be in similar situations.

[ConfusedAtHome]

Yes, and she decided to stay with me. This all happened over four years ago. Our marriage now is better than ever.

 

It took us about two years to deal with the issues created by her choices...but we've done so very successfully.

 

Hence, I'm posting here now trying to possibly help others that may be in similar situations.

 

I'm happy that you made it through such a difficult time. I hope the same can be said for me.

 

Thank you for your thoughts and insight.

[angie2443]

The thing I know about my partner is this: she is brutally honest. Even if it is hurtful, she says what is on her mind...good or bad. Of course, everyone on here will say she's lying, etc and will lie to cover up, but I just feel that knowing her when I asked if she was cheating, she would tell me. Call it ignorance if you wish, but I can only ask and take her answer.

 

My husband is burtally honest. He had what I consider to be an EA a few years back. He lied about a few things and I caught him in those lies only because he didn't tell other people to keep quite around me. Also, my husband maintains that he didn't do anything wrong. In his mind, so he sais, he never cheated. If he really believes this, then he could answer "no" if I asked him if he cheated and he wouldn't be lying. It's a tricky situation.

 

No one here knows your girlfriend and can say if she's lying or not. That's for you to decide. What I can tell you from experience, is to trust your gut and watch for her actions. They speak way louder than words.

[ConfusedAtHome]

Things seem to be going ok. I went and hung out with some friends last night, as did she and she got home before me. When I got home she was happy to see me and said that that kind of time apart was really all she needs. It made me feel better. BUT, my eyes and ears are still open.

[Al_Bundy]

Things seem to be going ok. I went and hung out with some friends last night, as did she and she got home before me. When I got home she was happy to see me and said that that kind of time apart was really all she needs. It made me feel better. BUT, my eyes and ears are still open.

 

 

don't be a fool. as long as you let her, she can have her "time apart" when its convenient for her.

 

if time apart is what she said she really needs, be expecting more time apart in the future.

 

and again, the fact she has a "crush" on another guy, I think you really need to open your eyes wider. She is playing you for a fool.

[btc8]

don't be a fool.

 

and again, the fact she has a "crush" on another guy, I think you really need to open your eyes wider. She is playing you for a fool.

 

Wow, did you even read the thread?

[ConfusedAtHome]

I concede...you guys were right.

 

Now my partner is saying she is "confused" about her feelings for her co-worker. Her friends say this "crush" will pass and look at the big pic. They all like me and and think I'm perfect for her, so they aren't giving her advice and she doesn't know where to turn.

 

I told her to seek professional help to figure this out, so we can move on together or separately.

 

I will be here often and I appreciate your advice and comfort during this time. Thanks.

[angie2443]

I concede...you guys were right.

 

Now my partner is saying she is "confused" about her feelings for her co-worker. Her friends say this "crush" will pass and look at the big pic. They all like me and and think I'm perfect for her, so they aren't giving her advice and she doesn't know where to turn.

 

I told her to seek professional help to figure this out, so we can move on together or separately.

 

I will be here often and I appreciate your advice and comfort during this time. Thanks.

 

Sorry you're going through this. I've learned from my experience and other poster's on here that a crush at work and needing space isn't usually a good thing for a relationship.

 

When I first posted, I recieved a lot of helpful advice. However, the best help you get on these boards isn't the advice given you, but reading about the situations that these people are going through and watching how they turn out. You'll find the same situations play out over and over. You'll find that the friendship a man or woman has at work that upsets their partner at home, usually turns out to be more serious than the person involved in the friendship admits in the first place. You'll find that when one partner sais they need more space, they usually are interested in someone else or trying to break from the relationship.

 

Anyways, look up EA or emotional affair on these boards and else where. Also lookup opposite best friend and marriage (I know you're partner is the same sex and so is the friend, but you'll find a lot more written advice this way).

 

The only other advice I can give, is that you can't change your partner, but you can set your bounderies and let her know what they are. You can let her know that you're not going to just sit there and wait for her to make all the decisions. If she doesn't change what she is doing, you can act. Good luck.