a letter to my MM's BW

[jj33]

Noone is trying to give you a hard time. But its a big letter. And everyone just wanted to make sure you didnt send it. Think of it as tough love.

 

Look they can only keep you in the middle as you put it if you choose to stay there. Its hard not to react when your emotions are high and your heart is broken but the best thing you can do if you really want out of this circus is to tell W next time she calls that you just cant discuss it with her anymore. And tell him the same. You just cant speak to him.

 

You did NC before you can do it again. You will get there. You just need to look the day this is behind you.

[whichwayisup]

As far as him using me

 

You meet (met) all his needs that his wife didn't meet. He is so used to having two women in his life, which is why he is living a double life.

[NoIDidn't]

I realize that you say the letter was a vent, but it was full of extremely immature and pointless accusations AGAINST HIM.

 

Your issue is him. Your issue is what he is or is not doing.

 

She has every right to contact the woman that is having an affair with her H. Its called protecting your marriage.

 

You are attacking her lack of knowledge of things going on in your affair with HIM. Ever wonder how THAT happened?

 

The point of venting is to help bring clarity as well as blow off steam. Have you gotten your clarity yet?

[Lucky_One]

"I also believes that he is scared out of his mind to make a move without a total commitment from me."

 

In that case, he really doesn't want a divorce, does he?

 

Conventional wisdom says that a man will divorce when he knows that his marriage is dead and when he is emotionally detached from his wife.

 

Certainly not the case here.

[NoIDidn't]

I just can't get over the fact that he claims not to care if spinning contacts his W.

 

He seems pretty sure that such contact won't affect his W, or his MARRIAGE.

 

As in, he ain't leaving. So what's the point of the letter? I realize that spinning has said that she isn't going to send it and that she was venting.

 

Seems like she should just dump HIM and walk away. He doesn't sound like a man that is planning to leave his M.

[whichwayisup]

Unless he doesn't want to be the bad guy who ends his marriage. Maybe he wants his wife to throw him out. He doesn't have the balls to actually end it and start a new life with the OP, so her sending that letter, to him, could be his ticket out in hopes this will be the final straw for his wife to divorce him once and for all.

 

I don't know.

[Ariadne]

Yeah,

 

I say send the letter.

 

Wth...

 

It looks kind of like loser letter but whatever, is going to piss her off.

 

(Although if she can read between the lines she'll know you are desperate and furious about the vacation)

[bentnotbroken]

It almost sounds like a high school pissed that her BF is going on vacation with his family instead to the beach with her. Except this is about people who are supposed to be adults. What gets me even more, is the OW thinking she has the right to belittle the way the W handles HER marriage. You may not agree with, may even find it repulsive, but it isn't your concern. You are the extra wheel here on a broke down car.

[jj33]

Unless he doesn't want to be the bad guy who ends his marriage. Maybe he wants his wife to throw him out. He doesn't have the balls to actually end it and start a new life with the OP, so her sending that letter, to him, could be his ticket out in hopes this will be the final straw for his wife to divorce him once and for all.

 

I don't know.

 

Even if that is the case and even if the whole situation werent the mess that it is, do you really want someone who wants you to do the dirty work? And dont you think you will hear about it for the rest of your life that your letter was the straw that broke the camel's back.

 

If and this is a big if he really wants out of his M, he should man up and do it himself. Waiting for his W to be so hurt she ends it is a cowards way out.

 

Its bad news all around.

 

Think hard Spinning there is an affair fog that blinds people into thinking that they want things to work out despite the red flags. You have blazing flags here. This is about a lot more than the letter.

[NoIDidn't]

This is about a lot more than the letter.

 

Exactly!!!!

[spinningwheels]

I caused the first dday three years ago. I wrote to her and she called me because I gave her my number. I was always honest with her, and I sent her everything she wanted from me. Vacation pictures, phone bill, e-mails. I wanted out three years ago!

 

At that point we had a 2 month break, with him coming back and promising me the world...lasted a couple of months, and again I just couldn't take it anymore. Took a month break to cool off and listen to his plans. When we started back again, she started hacking his accounts and mine. DDay again...no stop to our relationship. We had a plan that I believed in. But after this past Feb. with so much contact and hacking by her, I walked....I couldn't wait until May. I wanted out, so I walked...I ignored him, I even at one point screamed in his face that I hated him when he had the nerve to track me down. I stopped contact.

 

He knows that whatever I say to her she won't leave! At least not until she has her security set up...I was told this by her!! He knows that I could post a porno of us on the internet and she will still stay!! He can treat her as badly as he wants, and he will stay...if you could only see what she has told me. That is why I don't hate her, I feel bad for her. She is stuck...

 

I totally understand that I make his home life (when he is there, rarely) more tolarable. This is my first and only dealbreaker for me. When we first got together I did stop the "family" vacation. He stayed with me. I let it go last year and he only went for three days and came back early for me... This year I will NOT stand for him going for one day. He already tried to say he will only go for a few days for his childs sake, and we will go away the next week. I am saying NO! If you want to take your child away, take your child away when you want to go with me--go alone with the child. If you want to go on vacation for the whole week next week...get a seperate place a half an hour away and take me, see your child during the day, and spend the night away with me. OR Tell your child and wife that you can not go due to work, illness, whatever, but You will not go unless you are prepared to leave me forever. That are his only options, he says he is leaving Oct. 1st. then cut this trip off and do it.

 

I already have a seperate phone that he does not know the number to. I will block him frome my life forever. He doesn't even know where I work anymore, I changed jobs during our six months apart. Home phone already blocks his calls. And he knows that I have dated someone while we are apart, so he won't show up at my house.

 

I am ready to walk this weekend, I know that my letter to her would not make her leave. She will NOT leave him now. Maybe I feel that she needs to see again what he is about. Maybe I want to hurt her the way that he has hurt me. But I do believe that this "last" family vacation is total bull****.

[child_of_isis]

How did she get your phone bills? Did you give them to her?

 

You are feeding her evidence it seems?

 

He probably knows that she has enough on him to destroy him in court. So he stays.

 

And even if he doesn't stay...he'll be broke, you'll have to pay the majority of the bills...and in the end, he will blame you because you gave her the ammo she needed to destroy him.

 

Do they have children?

 

It looks as if there is a divorce, W wins. She'll get the financial settlement. Her freedom. And a chance to find an honest man.

 

Do her a favor...send the letter.

 

Edited to add: just saw the previous post about a child.

 

She has all the evidence from the past three years including my phone bills from 6 months ago and I just feel like sending this to her.....

 

[child_of_isis]

She is not stuck...she has all the power. About the security part...can't say I blame her there. Every attorney tells ya to get your ducks in a row before you lay the hammer down.

 

He's had & he knows it.

 

Man oh man oh man...wait until those attorney fees start rolling in. These days lawyers drag this stuff out until everyone is bankrupt.

 

He knows that whatever I say to her she won't leave! At least not until she has her security set up...I was told this by her!! He knows that I could post a porno of us on the internet and she will still stay!! He can treat her as badly as he wants, and he will stay...if you could only see what she has told me. That is why I don't hate her, I feel bad for her. She is stuck...

 

[NoIDidn't]

Spinning

 

I think your demands on him are unreasonable, but at least you have set a boundary.

 

I think you should apply your feelings about her an him to you and him. You want her to see what kind of man he is, how about you? He has NEVER (I assume you would have mentioned it) left her to be with you, but he has left YOU to be with HER. Two months here, six months there.

 

What are you getting out of this sick game?

[Trimmer]

I am so tired of being put in the middle of this with you two.

 

...I am sick of being put in the middle.

You are exactly where you allow yourself to stay. You keep talking about "being put" in the middle. Your English teacher would not approve of your use of passive voice. Change that statement to active voice and fill in the blanks: "_____ put me in the middle of this, and _____ keep(s) me/myself in the middle." You told us you never lie; just be sure you are being honest with yourself.

 

I think your letter is venting anger, and I think that when we are afraid, and angry at ourselves we look somewhere outside ourselves or our "loved ones" to direct that anger. It's why the BS vents on the OW, and why the OW vents on the BS, while the MM deserves a good deal of scorn from both, and also while they each actually have more personal power over their own situation than they allow themselves. We are more comfortable in our roles as victims than we are forging new, unknown territory as explorers.

 

Your anger at her is your misdirected agony and anger at yourself for being here. You said yourself that you two are very alike; you are using her as your surrogate to take your inwardly directed anger and send it out.

 

Best wishes and have a wonderful (pretend happy and normal) vacation.

Sarcasm and bitterness fit so well together...

[wildsoul]

He knows that whatever I say to her she won't leave! At least not until she has her security set up...I was told this by her!! He knows that I could post a porno of us on the internet and she will still stay!! He can treat her as badly as he wants, and he will stay...if you could only see what she has told me. That is why I don't hate her, I feel bad for her. She is stuck...

*repeatedly bonks head on the keyboard*

I am stymied as to how you are making this about her staying. WTF? It's up to him to leave the M in order to be with you, not the other way around. And I gotta say, I'm pretty aghast and grossed out by your "porno of us on the internet" comment. It seems like you're really distraught and your mind spinning is out of control. You've said several things that make it seem like you cannot make him the bad guy, so you're persecuting her. But then it also seems the things you are acusing her of are things that you are doing. Honestly, I'm not trying to slam you. But I am mirroring back the insanity to you. Your thinking is off kilter. I strongly suspect that you can't see that now, but if you take a time out, you will see it later.

[spinningwheels]

Two times he moved out. For a short period. Each time his child has said, I hope you will be happy daddy, I love you daddy, I miss you daddy!! He caves with his child. I have heard several messages from his child. They are very coached. They started when child was 7 and continue now and chilld is 10. That is what gets to him the most. I think her games are sick! When we are speaking on the phone she has her child scream, "I love you Dad!".

 

I did provide evidence three years ago. Since then she has hacked his phone account and at one point mine. I have since protected that....however she still see that he called me, until he wised up. She keeps on top of all of that, so I am not providing evidence at this point, however, I do not lie to her.

[spinningwheels]

I listen to his VM because he gives me his password and wants me to have total access, also his e-mail. Because she hacked me, he wants to show me he hides nothing, so I have heard and read all of her and childs messages.

[child_of_isis]

So, in truth...truth, I said....you want her to throw him out so you can have him? She is the obstacle that prevents you & him from having a life together?

 

Two times he moved out. For a short period. Each time his child has said, I hope you will be happy daddy, I love you daddy, I miss you daddy!! He caves with his child. I have heard several messages from his child. They are very coached. They started when child was 7 and continue now and chilld is 10. That is what gets to him the most. I think her games are sick! When we are speaking on the phone she has her child scream, "I love you Dad!".

 

I did provide evidence three years ago. Since then she has hacked his phone account and at one point mine. I have since protected that....however she still see that he called me, until he wised up. She keeps on top of all of that, so I am not providing evidence at this point, however, I do not lie to her.

[wildsoul]

So, in truth...truth, I said....you want her to throw him out so you can have him? She is the obstacle that prevents you & him from having a life together?

Don't forget about the evil child who is also interfering.

[SexinmyCity]

Write the letter and throw it in the trash. You are ruining many more lives than just your own. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

[child_of_isis]

There is a possibility that the child is becoming traumatized due to the 3 year conflict.

 

You can tack twice weekly counseling sessions on the divorce settlement.

 

Each time his child has said, I hope you will be happy daddy, I love you daddy, I miss you daddy!! He caves with his child. I have heard several messages from his child. They are very coached. They started when child was 7 and continue now and chilld is 10. That is what gets to him the most. I think her games are sick! When we are speaking on the phone she has her child scream, "I love you Dad!".

 

.

[bentnotbroken]

Two times he moved out. For a short period. Each time his child has said, I hope you will be happy daddy, I love you daddy, I miss you daddy!! He caves with his child. I have heard several messages from his child. They are very coached. They started when child was 7 and continue now and child is 10. That is what gets to him the most. I think her games are sick! When we are speaking on the phone she has her child scream, "I love you Dad!".

 

I did provide evidence three years ago. Since then she has hacked his phone account and at one point mine. I have since protected that....however she still see that he called me, until he wised up. She keeps on top of all of that, so I am not providing evidence at this point, however, I do not lie to her.

 

Ummm how do you know she coaches her child to scream out daddy I love you? It's a child for God's sake. Now it sounds as if you are competing with a child. You have absolutely no right to demand how he handles his relationship or lack there of with HIS WIFE OR HIS CHILD, you are the outsider here. And just in case you forgot, his child is her child too. You act as if your games aren't equally as sick as the game your perceive she is playing with her child. And you aren't helping that child's stability at all with the drama you continue to add. Who is actually the adult in this scenario?

[spinningwheels]

I don't think this child is evil. I think that the child is being coached into saying things that will help child's mother out. I would NEVER demonize a child. You don't really know me so please, keep that out of the thread. I don't speak one bad word about his child. I hope that the child has a happy life. I am not giving a gender so as not to give TMI. But, the child is out of bounds with me. Also, I do believe that any child greatly benefits from seeing their parents in a happy and loving relationship. I do know that this child has been exposed to too much fighting. Questioning why Mommy is always crying, why daddy is always sad....Child overheard him on the phone to me crying. Please leave child out of this.

 

I have dated and lived with a man with children before...they were happy to see their dad in a loving relationship with affection and respect. What MM child observes is dsyfunctional at best, I would never wish their child to emulate thier relationship of lovelessness and disdain.

[NoIDidn't]

Ummm how do you know she coaches her child to scream out daddy I love you? It's a child for God's sake. Now it sounds as if you are competing with a child.

 

 

I felt that way too, especially since the complaint about the vacation is that he claims he is going for his child, but she won't stand for that either.

 

Having password access to a secret email account that he probably only emails her from doesn't count as disclosure.

 

Again, I ask, and you want this man because what? I know why his W wants him, she still believes in the dream if that pesky other woman would go away. And she has a right to believe in what was promised before her and his family members.

 

How long did he leave for? A few days. If it isn't for at least a couple of months, you're wasting your time.