Does he want to continue seeing me? If so, as friends, or more?

[pandagirl]

I'm not alpha but here goes what I think are the main two reasons:

 

Deeper Meaning #1: It goes back to the tripod foundation of trust, respect and like. If a man or a woman doesn't respect you, they're not going to consider the other person as relationship material.

 

Shallow Meaning #2: Is she hawt enough?

 

haha. In theory, the tripod foundation works. But, I've been with guys who trusted me, liked me, respected me AND wanted to bone me all the time, and yet they broke up with me.

 

Conclusion: men make no sense.

[Trialbyfire]

 

In a nutshell and I do mean nutshell, men are confusing as hell.

[audrey_1]

haha. In theory, the tripod foundation works. But, I've been with guys who trusted me, liked me, respected me AND wanted to bone me all the time, and yet they broke up with me.

 

Conclusion: men make no sense.

 

:love::sick::lmao:

 

Yes, confusing.

[Touche]

Forget it. No, he was letting you down gently. The man you're meant to be with isn't going to utter those words. Ever.

 

"Not feeling it" to me means he's just not that into me.

 

I'd say "NEXT!"

 

Oh and forget being friends.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah! GIddyness is good. Clearly you weren't all that hung up on the guy or you wouldn't be able to get over him this fast

 

Hehehehehehe.

 

Anyway Star, I don't think you really want to be friends with him, do you?

 

Meh. *shrug*

[CommitmentPhobe]

So relationship material might =

 

attraction + tripod foundation (x) whether she's hot

 

sexual material = she's just hot + i might/sorta like her

 

 

"Feeling it" is about whether she tugs at your heart strings or not. If she doesn't then no point getting into a relationship. Hey guess what it's about feelings? Heard of those? What is it about a song that does that? Can you quantify it? Break it down into a simple little formula like you're trying to do here?

 

You're trying to pigeonhole men as cold calculating characters shopping for a TV or something. Doesn't work like that!. Not unless the guy is a douche and out for a trophy or something. In which case that's not a relationship, that's just convenience.

[Lauriebell82]

Forget it. No, he was letting you down gently. The man you're meant to be with isn't going to utter those words. Ever.

 

"Not feeling it" to me means he's just not that into me.

 

I'd say "NEXT!"

 

Oh and forget being friends.

 

Yeah, I agree. I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with him anyway. I've tried being friends with someone who gave me "that line" and when he got a new gf it pissed me off because he would try to talk to me about her (like their dates, fights, issues in their relationship). Plus I still had a lot of resentment towards him.

 

I think you are just a little hurt that he pulled that crap on you (I would be too). It appears that you have other fish in the sea, so move on.

[Star Gazer]

Yeah, I agree. I'm not sure why you'd want to be friends with him anyway. I've tried being friends with someone who gave me "that line" and when he got a new gf it pissed me off because he would try to talk to me about her (like their dates, fights, issues in their relationship). Plus I still had a lot of resentment towards him.

 

I think you are just a little hurt that he pulled that crap on you (I would be too). It appears that you have other fish in the sea, so move on.

 

Do you ever read my updates throughout my threads, or just look for harsh opinions to agree with under the guise of being "helpful"?

[vonerik012]

I think men are pretty simple..

 

If he is not trying to be physical with you, generally he is not interested.

 

If he is trying to be physical with you, he is interested.

 

Now yes, a man will sleep with a woman knowing he just wants sex from her. But it is up to you to make him earn it a bit, or, you can have sex earlier if your intuition is working well.

[Star Gazer]

It. Doesn't. Matter. Anymore.

 

Doesn't ANYONE read an OP's posts and follow-ups? Or do you all just really like the sight of your own words?

[vonerik012]

SG, sometimes (often times) in a thread people address each others comments and questions, instead of just the op.

[A.G.Doren]

SG- IMO you can never have too many friends. If you want to be friends with this guy then you should. I don't think you should be his friend in leui of a romanctic relationship or in the hopes of getting a romantic relationship, but just if you genuinely want to be his friend.

[Trialbyfire]

SG- IMO you can never have too many friends. If you want to be friends with this guy then you should. I don't think you should be his friend in leui of a romanctic relationship or in the hopes of getting a romantic relationship, but just if you genuinely want to be his friend.

Only if he values her as a person and truly wants friendship for that sake. Not everyone is capable of friendship with the opposite gender without physicality coming into play. If so, it could easily turn into a "user" situation.

[pandagirl]

As I have recently found out, once I took the sexuality out of the friendship with my ex, he disappears. Let's all say it together: DOUCHEBAG!

[A.G.Doren]

Only if he values her as a person and truly wants friendship for that sake. Not everyone is capable of friendship with the opposite gender without physicality coming into play. If so, it could easily turn into a "user" situation.

 

 

You're right some people can't do it. But that's never a reason not to try, if she genuinely thinks he would make a good friend.

[Star Gazer]

As I have recently found out, once I took the sexuality out of the friendship with my ex, he disappears. Let's all say it together: DOUCHEBAG!

 

Funny you should use that term.

 

When talking to ANY one of my true guy friends about the guy who's the subject of this thread, that's EXACTLY what they called him. Every single one of them. DOUCHEBAG!

 

Why?

 

Well, I left out the funniest part... He "dumped me" (for lack of a better word) via TEXT MESSAGE. Sooooo lame.

 

Yeah, I was stupid to even WANT to be friends with him. DOUCHEBAG!

[A.G.Doren]

Funny you should use that term.

 

When talking to ANY one of my true guy friends about the guy who's the subject of this thread, that's EXACTLY what they called him. Every single one of them. DOUCHEBAG!

 

Why?

 

Well, I left out the funniest part... He "dumped me" (for lack of a better word) via TEXT MESSAGE. Sooooo lame.

 

Yeah, I was stupid to even WANT to be friends with him. DOUCHEBAG!

 

If you'e guy friends are calling him a douchebag than go with that. I'm very forgiving, but I wouldn't bother with someone who didn't have the courtesy and the balls to dump me in person.Seriously he could have just faded away. That would have been far less annoying, jerk!

[pandagirl]

I actually would prefer the text rather than the disappearing act, but that's just me. Either method implies DOUCHEBAG!!

[stillafool]

This probably belongs in another section, but I feel that I'd be best served in keeping it in the "Dating" section so as to keep the focus on how to better my "dating" skills. I've received some fantastic support via PM, but thought I'd open it up for public discussion. Who knows who else this may help.

 

Anyway, long story (with a lot of mixed signals) short: I liked a guy. He obviously liked me too...at least in the beginning. We had 5 dates over a month (which seems like not a lot, but given our schedules, it was the best we could do). Over time, I felt like he was pulling away (which he may or may not have been, I'm just hyper sensitive, so I'll never know!), and I started getting irritated by what I perceived to be mixed signals. In in response, I found myself chasing a little...I think I was trying to force his hand so I could see what was up sooner than later. He told me that I lacked patience, and he couldn't be more right. That's something I definitely need to work on.

 

Ultimately, prior to a date on Friday at his house he unceremoniously told me that he's "just not feeling it" and doesn't want to lead me on. While I appreciated the honesty, hearing that really hurt. What does "not feeling it" mean, anyway? That there's no *spark*? That I've done something to irritate him? This statement has made me question what I did wrong (if anything), what other factors are at play, etc.

 

After he told me he "wasn't feeling it," we spoke about his feelings why. As a result, we clarified a miscommunication wherein he thought I was mad at him regarding the slow pace at which we've been moving physically. I wasn't mad, but I can see why he'd think that... miscommunication for sure, but my lack of patience probably didn't help things.

 

He has since modified his statement by saying he "just wasn't feeling it" (notice the past tense [no longer "isn't"], and was referencing that specific moment of miscommunication), and said he is "all about continuing to hang out and get to know one another."

 

I like him enough to really want to continue hanging out and getting to know each other (he is a good guy, we have many similar interests, etc.), but at this point I don't know whether he wants to continue hanging out strictly as friends, or with romantic intention over time. I'd honestly be okay with either one, I just want to know so I know how to conduct myself (flirt, not flirt, etc.)...but don't want to force the issue by asking specifically what he had in mind.

 

I'm keeping myself busy (with activities, outings with friends, and other dates), but I still feel rejected and kinda bummed. We haven't had any contact since Friday afternoon. I wonder if I'll ever hear from him at all.

 

Others have said this guy is damaged, emotionally unavailable, not invested, etc., all which may or may not be true. But I can't help but feel a little responsible for pushing him away as well.

 

I don't really have a question... I'm just rambling. Any thoughts in response?

 

 

He has been honest with you about how he feels. You went out 5 times in 1 month which isn't a whole lot when you think about it. You said you were feeling impatient because you guys weren't moving ahead "physically" fast enough. I don't know what that means but if it is sex you are talking about and he said he wasn't feeling it, it could mean he isn't sexually attracted to you. Him saying he isn't feeling it could also mean he doesn't feel a close enough connection with you to move forward to a ltr.

[LionLover]

Him saying he isn't feeling it could also mean he doesn't feel a close enough connection with you to move forward to a ltr.

 

I’m not a man but I have to agree with this. He would’ve pursued you more if he was interested enough in you, IF he experienced a deep connection towards you (aside from physical). From what you posted, he didn't seem to be displaying these things towards you so at best – he was lukewarm towards you. Doesnt mean he didn't like you, it just seems he wasn't crazy about you. Perhaps he was still looking for the "one". So in situations such as this, don't fool yourself into thinking you are or could be the "one". You have to be realistic & you shouldn't have to wonder. He did tell you he was not "feeling it" towards you after 5 dates (I think you said 5 dates), but he was being truthful and now you don't have to wonder.

[Star Gazer]

He has been honest with you about how he feels. You went out 5 times in 1 month which isn't a whole lot when you think about it. You said you were feeling impatient because you guys weren't moving ahead "physically" fast enough. I don't know what that means but if it is sex you are talking about and he said he wasn't feeling it, it could mean he isn't sexually attracted to you. Him saying he isn't feeling it could also mean he doesn't feel a close enough connection with you to move forward to a ltr.

 

Actually, I was wrong. It was 6 dates in a month, and like I've said in plenty of other posts about this guy, it was 6 dates in a month where one or both of us were unavailable on the weekends due to prior commitments, and he made efforts to see me as soon as we were both in town. So really, it was 6 dates in 20 available days (actually less than that because he was also away for business during one week).

 

I wasn't impatient about how things were moving physically. I was impatient about his flakiness. For example, if he said we'd MAYBE hang out on, oh, a Tuesday, I'd call like twice to see what was up that day (and on two occasions never even hear back from him!). I WAS impatient in that way because I hate being made to wait. A normal person would have just made other plans. I sat there tapping my foot, becoming even more irritable.

 

So yeah, I was NOT impatient when it came to the physical aspect. I was quite enjoying THAT pace. He just thought I was mad about it, probably because I was impatient about the other stuff.

[Star Gazer]

I’m not a man but I have to agree with this. He would’ve pursued you more if he was interested enough in you, IF he experienced a deep connection towards you (aside from physical). From what you posted, he didn't seem to be displaying these things towards you so at best – he was lukewarm towards you. Doesnt mean he didn't like you, it just seems he wasn't crazy about you. Perhaps he was still looking for the "one". So in situations such as this, don't fool yourself into thinking you are or could be the "one". You have to be realistic & you shouldn't have to wonder. He did tell you he was not "feeling it" towards you after 5 dates (I think you said 5 dates), but he was being truthful and now you don't have to wonder.

 

I think you're right that he was lukewarm about me romantically, and that's okay. However, during the course of us dating, he sent CRAZY mixed signals - all excited to see me, being cutesy, asking me out, planning a date one minute, and either ignoring me or literally dumping me the next. Ha.

 

He reminds me of Katy Perry's new song, about being hot and cold.

[Kamille]

Next time a guy is flaky I say next him straightaway.

 

Flaky guys always have good excuses and they're generally flaky because they see you have potential, they want to respect you, they would like feel 'it' for you, but they just can't bring themselves to commit, for reasons that are partly their own, partly your interactions but mostly caused by the mysterious laws of attraction.

 

The thing is, you know you're looking for something serious and guys can sense that. I think this is a good thing, as you are likely eliminating guys who are sexually attracted to you but not ready for a relationship with you (could be the case here).

 

You might get impatient when a guy is flaky with you - and who could blame you? I get impatient too. But we respond differently to it for some reason. When a guy is flaky, I hold him responsible for his actions and tell myself I'm better off without the guy. You seem to respond to flakiness like you're somehow responsible for it: you want the guy to be into you, and his flakiness might be a sign he isn't - so you make it about you and start to question yourself and your actions.

 

Don't internalize an almost stanger's actions Star.

 

There's nothing I hate more then being in the "am I playing this right? headspace" - so I run away from it when it happens. I suggest you do the same thing.

[Yamaha]

I think you're right that he was lukewarm about me romantically, and that's okay. However, during the course of us dating, he sent CRAZY mixed signals - all excited to see me, being cutesy, asking me out, planning a date one minute, and either ignoring me or literally dumping me the next. Ha.

 

He reminds me of Katy Perry's new song, about being hot and cold.

 

Do you think he is/was seeing another girl? Usually when someone acts excited sometimes and then gets mad or ignore you the next it usually means there is someone else involved that he is not over so he can pursue you.

[Trialbyfire]

People flake for all kinds of reasons. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter why. If they're not meeting your needs, the balance or opportunity for continued treatment like this is moot beyond being an indicator to move on.