Stop questioning it, she doesn't want you

[JoeNewbie]

The problem I have with body language is that body language is not necessarily universal all of the time. For example, sometimes I sit down and fold my arms. I don't fold them to ward people off or seem closed. I fold my arms without thinking. There are also a lot of girl who smile at anyone and everyone and there are girls who naturally sit with pigeon toed feet and play with their hair, and yet these are a few signs of attraction we are taught to observe for.

 

Speech is by far the most important factor in expressing your desire for someone.

 

I agree that speech is the most important factor, especially since there are women out there who are specialists at having a flirtatious body language (e.g. serial touchers).

[Phateless]

I totally agree with this post, especially the part in bold.

 

Sometimes, I think it might be best, if you're REALLY into the person and want a clear answer... just ask. Not everyone is the same, and not everyone is hyper about relationships as some can be (or even their interest in a person, for that matter.) Some people really do just move more slowly than others, or it takes them time to know what they want for sure.

 

If a girl likes your friendship, but isn't interested in anything more, it may very well seem that she is sending mixed signals. When in doubt, just ask. Otherwise, you might get angry for no reason, sit around waiting for no reason, and on and on.

 

You might say that you really enjoy her friendship, chatting with her, spending time with her, but that you're interested in her romantically as well, and want to know where she stands. If she's not sure, she'll more than likely give you some middle ground answer about getting to know you. If she's simply not interested, this is at least her chance to give a fairly honest answer or cop out (i.e. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now).

 

I think part of the problem in these situations is that people never want to be too blunt. Ask out a girl you know from school. She might say yes... but is it a "date"? You can use body language to clue you in, but when in doubt... just ask. (Maybe not right away of course. If the situation is lingering in the same gear, just ask for your own peace of mind. In general though, these situations simply mean that the other person isn't AS interested as you are, and may be occupied with someone else. It doesn't necessarily mean that they're totally uninterested.)

 

You make some good points, but not all of them. Most women feel pressured when asked outright and will rarely give a truthful or direct answer. I've found that most women don't want to be asked what they want and then have it handed to them. They want to be led by a MAN so they can just "go with the flow." That does NOT mean I think guys should be domineering and chauvinistic - just masculine. "and then we kissed - it just happened!" - that's not what happened... the guy grew some balls and made a move!

[KinAZ]

You make some good points, but not all of them. Most women feel pressured when asked outright and will rarely give a truthful or direct answer. I've found that most women don't want to be asked what they want and then have it handed to them. They want to be led by a MAN so they can just "go with the flow." That does NOT mean I think guys should be domineering and chauvinistic - just masculine. "and then we kissed - it just happened!" - that's not what happened... the guy grew some balls and made a move!

 

As I've already said before, it may not be wholly truthful. Such as "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." Or "I don't have time for a serious relationship." etc. That's clear enough... or at least it should be

 

Or I really like you but I want to take things slowly for right now. It'll be clear in the message, as she can't ignore it. There are only so many ways to answer a blunt question like that. It's not the same as "will you go to the movies with me Friday night?"

 

Oh sure, she may feel a spot light shining on her, but she's not going to tell you "Oh yes, I am romantically interested in you too." If she doesn't really mean it, unless she's planning to use you.

 

If you go from a base of she's probably not as interested and ask a very direct question about her interest, all you're doing is finding out if she's a little interested or not interested at all. The answer will more than likely be subtle, unless she comes out and says she only likes you as a friend, but the answer will be there nonetheless.

[Phateless]

As I've already said before, it may not be wholly truthful. Such as "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." Or "I don't have time for a serious relationship." etc. That's clear enough... or at least it should be

 

Or I really like you but I want to take things slowly for right now. It'll be clear in the message, as she can't ignore it. There are only so many ways to answer a blunt question like that. It's not the same as "will you go to the movies with me Friday night?"

 

Oh sure, she may feel a spot light shining on her, but she's not going to tell you "Oh yes, I am romantically interested in you too." If she doesn't really mean it, unless she's planning to use you.

 

If you go from a base of she's probably not as interested and ask a very direct question about her interest, all you're doing is finding out if she's a little interested or not interested at all. The answer will more than likely be subtle, unless she comes out and says she only likes you as a friend, but the answer will be there nonetheless.

 

You're basing this whole thing on the perspective of someone who has high emotional and social intelligence. Guys who find themselves in this situation often have little of either, which is precisely WHY they're in this situation. If a guy isn't getting the hint, you can't rely on him to pick up the clues. Sometimes the girl has to just say "sorry i'm not interested in you as anything beyond friends." When people make excuses, the other party tends to try to solve the "problem" the excuse is based on, thinking that afterwards, things will work out.

 

Once I figured out how to read the clues, I never found myself in this situation again and found no need to "ask her outright." Guys only ask outright because they have no clue how to interpret what they're hearing.

[likestolaugh]

As I've already said before, it may not be wholly truthful. Such as "I'm not looking for a relationship right now." Or "I don't have time for a serious relationship." etc. That's clear enough... or at least it should be

 

 

 

actually it isn't always... at least in my experience.

[KinAZ]

actually it isn't always... at least in my experience.

 

I don't understand what you mean.

 

You're basing this whole thing on the perspective of someone who has high emotional and social intelligence. Guys who find themselves in this situation often have little of either, which is precisely WHY they're in this situation. If a guy isn't getting the hint, you can't rely on him to pick up the clues. Sometimes the girl has to just say "sorry i'm not interested in you as anything beyond friends." When people make excuses, the other party tends to try to solve the "problem" the excuse is based on, thinking that afterwards, things will work out.

 

Once I figured out how to read the clues, I never found myself in this situation again and found no need to "ask her outright." Guys only ask outright because they have no clue how to interpret what they're hearing.

 

Right, sometimes it is unclear. And high emotional and social intelligence? That has nothing to do with asking a direct question. If someone isn't getting the hints, asking out right is the best way to find out. A girl who isn't interested in you romantically isn't likely to tell you that she is. It's just that simple. If she is, she might not say "Yes, I am interested in you romantically" but she will let you know that she is interested.

 

Have you ever told a woman that you were romantically interested in her, and then asked her about her feelings?

 

The truth is that some hints really are unclear. I've simply been busy and given the impression that I just didn't want to be bothered. It happens! If you just assume that I'm not interested then you might miss out or I might miss out, or whatever the case may be. Sometimes it's clear, and sometimes it's not. And when in doubt, it's always best to ask.

[Phateless]

You're going the other way from what I'm saying. I'm saying that a guy will think a girl IS interested and not get the hints that she's NOT interested. The guy may have got the wrong idea in the first place because he doesn't understand what's going on. Or she may have liked him at first but lost interest and he doesn't get the hint.

 

High emotional and social intelligence has EVERYTHING to do with a direct question. If the guys had higher E/S intelligence, they wouldn't need to ask direct questions because they'd already know. They ask direct questions because they lack the intuition to figure things out. Then they get more confused because people who are put on the spot like that get evasive and insincere.

 

"oh well, i'm not really looking for a relationship right now" instead of "i'm sorry, i'm just not interested in you."

[Phateless]

Have you ever told a woman that you were romantically interested in her, and then asked her about her feelings?

 

Yes I have. Back when I had NO game. Now I hang out with her and read the clues. If she's not interested or appears to be playing games or not worth the trouble to me, I cut my losses and move on because I know I have better things to do and there are plenty of other girls out there.

 

If I find myself in an ambiguous situation I find a way to take control and lead it in the direction I want. Sometimes it's just as simple as I decide to make the move and kiss her because even getting rejected is better than the alternative of wondering about it all night. But guess what? I can't remember the last time I got rejected, with this new mentality of mine. If she's not into me I am able to figure that out pretty quickly, without having a conversation about it. Being able to read the cues helps a lot. Emotional and Social Intelligence.

 

The guys (my former self included) just need to grow some balls and take the lead and make a move, and over time, you learn how to read the cues.

[xpaperxcutx]

I can't disagree with anything you said here, great advice. I think the way you worded your original post came out wrong.

 

And you freaked me out with this Metallica ticket thing, I love Metallica and grew up listening to them, but where did you get that from? lol. I didn't post anything about buying tickets.

 

I thought you brought up Metallica tickets?

 

Anyways I was just using it as a metaphor, if you like Metallica you wouldn't buy 2 tickets and not expect it to be a date.

[Shygirl15]

I totally agree with this post, especially the part in bold.

 

Sometimes, I think it might be best, if you're REALLY into the person and want a clear answer... just ask. Not everyone is the same, and not everyone is hyper about relationships as some can be (or even their interest in a person, for that matter.) Some people really do just move more slowly than others, or it takes them time to know what they want for sure.

 

Ha!

 

KinAz, this is exactly what I advised some guy who asked if this girl was interested or not, only to be hammered by someone calling themselves The Collector something or the other, saying it's pure childish and stupid. If that's stupid, then what's asking-a-bunch-of-strangers-if-someone-likes-you called??

[Shygirl15]

Umm, sorry posted twice.

[KinAZ]

You're going the other way from what I'm saying. I'm saying that a guy will think a girl IS interested and not get the hints that she's NOT interested. The guy may have got the wrong idea in the first place because he doesn't understand what's going on. Or she may have liked him at first but lost interest and he doesn't get the hint.

 

High emotional and social intelligence has EVERYTHING to do with a direct question. If the guys had higher E/S intelligence, they wouldn't need to ask direct questions because they'd already know. They ask direct questions because they lack the intuition to figure things out. Then they get more confused because people who are put on the spot like that get evasive and insincere.

 

"oh well, i'm not really looking for a relationship right now" instead of "i'm sorry, i'm just not interested in you."

 

That's what I was saying before... "I'm not looking for a relationship." is pretty clears. It's too common of a let down for a guy not to get it.

 

As far as emotional and social intelligence... I still think that's not entirely fair because sometimes emotions can cloud things. The statement you made seems to be too much of some sort of category that's not always necessary or continuous.

 

In addition to that, my position is that it isn't always clear. As I've said before, I have sent the message that I had lost interest when I was simply very busy. It happens. My point being, if someone is so emotionally involved in the matter that they're unsure and MUST figure it out, the best thing to do is simply ask.

[KinAZ]

 

Ha!

 

KinAz, this is exactly what I advised some guy who asked if this girl was interested or not, only to be hammered by someone calling themselves The Collector something or the other, saying it's pure childish and stupid. If that's stupid, then what's asking-a-bunch-of-strangers-if-someone-likes-you called??

I think most guys (and some women) would feel insecure and whiny for asking such an open question. It does leave you more vulnerable, but if you're already to the point where you're just not sure what's going on, and your personal feelings may be clouding your judgment... then... ASK! If you don't ask, you could spend 3 months more trying to figure it out, playing some back and forth game. Or, you could walk away feeling strung along only to find out that you were overreacting to someone's busy schedule or lack of clearly visible enthusiasm.

 

Insecurity can also cause people to think the worst, just as wishful thinking can cause people to overlook the obvious. Simply asking will just take all of the guess work out of it.

[KinAZ]

Yes I have. Back when I had NO game. Now I hang out with her and read the clues. If she's not interested or appears to be playing games or not worth the trouble to me, I cut my losses and move on because I know I have better things to do and there are plenty of other girls out there.

 

If I find myself in an ambiguous situation I find a way to take control and lead it in the direction I want. Sometimes it's just as simple as I decide to make the move and kiss her because even getting rejected is better than the alternative of wondering about it all night. But guess what? I can't remember the last time I got rejected, with this new mentality of mine. If she's not into me I am able to figure that out pretty quickly, without having a conversation about it. Being able to read the cues helps a lot. Emotional and Social Intelligence.

 

The guys (my former self included) just need to grow some balls and take the lead and make a move, and over time, you learn how to read the cues.

 

LOL @ "game"... OK. The fact remains that sometimes there is that One who caught your attention. That doesn't mean a person is ALWAYS like that with every single dating situation. There is nothing "girly" about asking such a direct question. IMO, it takes more courage as you are making yourself more vulnerable...

 

You don't have to whine when you say it. Just... grunt afterwards or something.

[miss_28]

its serendipitous that i'm reading this post... i just had an experience that relates to this over the past few days. let me share my little experience...

 

this guy takes the bus with me in the morning on my way to work. usually i ride with my friend angie, but she was on vacation so i was alone. well, he started talking to me out of the blue. i thought that was kinda cool because he took a chance there.

 

He asked me out within 5 minutes, he said i looked like a lovely, serious girl and that he would like to get to know me, he was new to the city and can he have my number? I was completely taken off guard... so i responded like this: "look, i'm very flattered, i know it takes guts to talk to a perfect stranger and i think you are a very good looking guy (he was very good looking) but you should know i'm out of a painful break-up and am not looking for anything other than platonic friendship. if you want to become friends, fine, but please don't expect anything more - just to be clear". he said fine... so I gave him my cell, and instead of getting off at his bus stop, he got off at mine (2 stops after his) and offered to deliver me lunch to work. I was very put off but i politely told him no thanks, i have my lunch.

 

The next day, same story. He talked to find out more about me... i reluctantly gave him pieces of my story... he asked about how long i was with my ex, etc... all invasive questions that really turned me off. then he went on to tell me how i have to 'learn to live', how 'i can't stop living because i broke up'... etc. I could see a couple of people sitting near us looking at him like i must've been... with the "is he for real?" expression. He was basically filling in the blanks to the questions he asked me... lol

 

So, I responded in what i thought was really clear again: "I like being single, i go out with my friends, i enjoy my activities, i'm not in mourning, i'm just having fun. i'm 28, nothing holding me back... why would i need to jump into a relationship?" At which point he started talking about a "biological clock" and 28 is getting old... don't i want to fall in love... I got seriously creeped out. I started reading my magazine and again he got off at my stop, asked me out again and i replied, rather angrily no thanks, if i want lunch i'll let you know... seeing as i'm a grown up and like to make my own decisions (i was really pissed over how condescending to me he was) - other people on the bus felt really awkward for me... lol

 

Day 3, i caught the early bus.

 

Day 4, he caught the early bus with me. He asked why was i taking the early bus - how the best part of his day is the time he gets to talk to me. I told him because i want to get to work in peace. He figures he can ware me down... after all, he got my cell # right? I try to focus on my mag, i'm being kinda bitchy by giving him one word answers, no eye contact... etc. He still didn't get it! Finally, when for the third time he gets off at the same bus as me, he asks when are we going out, i tell him you know what, i don't think we should be friends either. he creeps me out.

 

Now, we say hi to each other and i get to read my magazine in peace while he can listen to his ipod.

 

now, i thought i was direct ... he thought i was being coy. i personally don't like when a guy come on that strong... but i've seen it work on other girls.

[JoeNewbie]

Most of the people on LS are here for a reason. And no matter what people might pretend, we're all a bunch of emos who lack confidence in one area of dating or another.

 

The result is a bunch of anxious folks advising one another. And like in any group of "losers", no one wants to see anyone becoming a "winner".

 

Have you noticed how every single thread is negative?

 

Anyhow, every situation is unique. We should all support each other in order to become less obsessed and have a clearer view of the overall picture.

[LovehateLove]

I agree that speech is the most important factor, especially since there are women out there who are specialists at having a flirtatious body language (e.g. serial touchers).

 

A lot of body language is subconscious and because of this, I won't pay any attention to the subtlety of body language unless the body language on display is anything but subtle.

 

Speech is a powerful tool in any walk of life and whilst action is important in any aspect of life, speech is the seal. I tell a girl I like her before I show her, because I could be showing her how I feel and she could be completely oblivious to my advances and believe it or not; it's a myth to suggest women automatically know when a guy is interested in them.

[The Collector]

 

 

Ha!

 

KinAz, this is exactly what I advised some guy who asked if this girl was interested or not, only to be hammered by someone calling themselves The Collector something or the other, saying it's pure childish and stupid. If that's stupid, then what's asking-a-bunch-of-strangers-if-someone-likes-you called??

 

On the whole it is not a good idea for a man to ask a woman if she likes you. Women tend to go for men that lead confidently and don't ask for permission and check whether they like them. I guess it could be done in a suave, confident attractive manner, but let's see how your attraction to the guy who phoned you to ask if you like him/enjoyed the kiss progresses/diminishes, eh?

[Mako482]

 

He asked me out within 5 minutes, he said i looked like a lovely, serious girl and that he would like to get to know me, he was new to the city and can he have my number? I was completely taken off guard... so i responded like this: "look, i'm very flattered, i know it takes guts to talk to a perfect stranger and i think you are a very good looking guy (he was very good looking) but you should know i'm out of a painful break-up and am not looking for anything other than platonic friendship. if you want to become friends, fine, but please don't expect anything more - just to be clear". he said fine... so I gave him my cell, and instead of getting off at his bus stop, he got off at mine (2 stops after his) and offered to deliver me lunch to work. I was very put off but i politely told him no thanks, i have my lunch.

 

 

I'll tell you all right now if a guy comes on strong like that he is ignoring anything you said about "friends only" lol. You giving him your number says "I'm giving you my number because I'm interested and attracted to you, but I'm saying "only for friends" because I don't want to appear easy". That is what he saw, no doubt. Unless you really need more friends I would just move on without passing out the digits. You were not being flaky, but to me this is a mixed signal, "I'm not interested but here.... have my phone number!" May have seemed harmless to you but that is the way it comes across.

[Mako482]

Most of the people on LS are here for a reason. And no matter what people might pretend, we're all a bunch of emos who lack confidence in one area of dating or another.

 

The result is a bunch of anxious folks advising one another. And like in any group of "losers", no one wants to see anyone becoming a "winner".

 

Have you noticed how every single thread is negative?

 

Anyhow, every situation is unique. We should all support each other in order to become less obsessed and have a clearer view of the overall picture.

 

I'm here mainly to learn from others experiences and especially to listen to what the women have to say, it's less embarrassing than being caught reading a woman's magazine! lol.

[J2FT1]

Nah guys get confused because women want options, so they will "kind" of hint you but then become "confused" and say they don't know what they want.

[miss_28]

I'll tell you all right now if a guy comes on strong like that he is ignoring anything you said about "friends only" lol. You giving him your number says "I'm giving you my number because I'm interested and attracted to you, but I'm saying "only for friends" because I don't want to appear easy". That is what he saw, no doubt. Unless you really need more friends I would just move on without passing out the digits. You were not being flaky, but to me this is a mixed signal, "I'm not interested but here.... have my phone number!" May have seemed harmless to you but that is the way it comes across.

 

LOL... ya... i think you're 100% right. I know better now for next time... funny thing is, i may have gone on a date with him had he not pushed so hard...

[Phateless]

Whoa... I think body language is far more important than anything that comes out of a person's mouth. What's the statistic? Only 17% (correct me if i'm wrong i can't remember that statistic) of communication is verbal, and the rest is body language, tone, facial expression, etc.

 

 

All I'm saying is that a lot of people don't know what they want, and either wouldn't or couldn't tell you if they did, so asking will often get you nowhere. Ask me how I know.

 

Since I learned that I can't figure things out by asking, I've been a lot more competent in social situations. You just have to "feel it," and most men who ask first do so because they can't feel it, or don't know how to interpret "it."