Stop questioning it, she doesn't want you

[vanilla87]

So vanilla..

 

Here is the question..

 

What if you really did have different plans on a day he asked you out? Should he think your honest answer is an excuse and forget you?

 

No, unless she made plans to avoid going out with, some girls do that, have their friends call them out and get them out of it or send a text, I did that once and had a friend pretend to be in car trouble, but that was to get to other plans with another friend (they were both females, no males in this secnerio).

 

Also if she really wants to see you even if she has plans, she will find a way to call/text/im you in that same day... unless she is see another guy, then no.

[almost famous]

Amen, thanks for posting this, paper.

[vonerik012]

No, unless she made plans to avoid going out with, some girls do that, have their friends call them out and get them out of it or send a text, I did that once and had a friend pretend to be in car trouble, but that was to get to other plans with another friend (they were both females, no males in this secnerio).

 

Also if she really wants to see you even if she has plans, she will find a way to call/text/im you in that same day... unless she is see another guy, then no.

 

Vanilla, I think maybe you are talking about something else....Here is an example...

 

You think Joe at work is cute, and you never went out with him before...

This Friday you are going out with friends for a bachelorette party, but he does not know..

 

Wednesday AM..

 

Joe-- "Hi vanilla, would you like to go to the Metallica concert this Friday? I have 2 tickets"

 

So what do you say?

[JoeNewbie]

Vanilla, I think maybe you are talking about something else....Here is an example...

 

You think Joe at work is cute, and you never went out with him before...

This Friday you are going out with friends for a bachelorette party, but he does not know..

 

Wednesday AM..

 

Joe-- "Hi vanilla, would you like to go to the Metallica concert this Friday? I have 2 tickets"

 

So what do you say?

 

Vonerik, you've just nailed it perfectly. The thing with a concert is that it's not clearly a date. Two people can go as friends.

 

I guess the possible answers are:

 

1) How sweet! Unfortunately I have a bachelorette party on Friday! Dang, I really dig Metallica! Thanks for thinking of me!

 

2) How sweet! Unfortunately I have a bachelorette party on Friday! Dang, Fade to Black is my favourite song! Perhaps we can grab drinks some other time though?

 

The problem with answer number one is that no alternative is being offered. As witnessed on this forum, this might mean that she isn't interested.

 

The problem with answer number two is that it puts the girl in a position of weakness. She suddenly becomes the asker, rather than the receiver.

[coffeemaker]

Any sign of flakiness should be a sign to move on. Though I agree that just being honest and saying "i'm not interested in you that way" is always the best. I can respect that and that's what I say if i'm doing the dumping. I sometimes offer explanations if people really press for them.

 

One break that really threw me for a loop was

"I just got out of a long term relationship. I'm just not ready for another R. If it's meant to be it will be."

 

Clearly, "i'm not ready" is a blow-off after about 1.5 months, but why, why for the love of god add "if its meant to be it will be" That one never really made any sense to me. What a lousy thing to say.

[JoeNewbie]

Any sign of flakiness should be a sign to move on.

 

I agree - but is answer number one that I proposed really flaky?

 

One break that really threw me for a loop was

"I just got out of a long term relationships. I'm just not ready for another one. If it's meant to be it will be."

 

That one's a classic though. No doubt, move on...

[coffeemaker]

If unsure, it doesn't hurt to give it a week and ask again with other plans. If you still get nothing, then you definitely shouldn't have a shadow of a doubt. No skin off your back to ask again - worst case you get another silly excuse.

 

It's not the "i'm not ready" bit that i found weird. There's another thread here on LS about seriously not being ready - so it does and can happen. It's the "if its meant to be" bit that I found utterly confusing. Why, as a woman, would you say that?!

[JoeNewbie]

It's not the "i'm not ready" bit that i found weird. There's another thread here on LS about seriously not being ready - so it does and can happen. It's the "if its meant to be" bit that I found utterly confusing. Why, as a woman, would you say that?!

 

Now that I think of it, I was once given the "if it's meant to be" part and we ended up dating for a while. More often than not, this is a technique to string you along though, so be careful on the context.

 

If unsure, it doesn't hurt to give it a week and ask again with other plans. If you still get nothing, then you definitely shouldn't have a shadow of a doubt. No skin off your back to ask again - worst case you get another silly excuse.

 

Personally, if I'm the refuser, I remain friendly but I become significantly more distant. There's this girl at the office who I felt was getting the wrong idea. I immediately reduced the amount of smiles I give her. She got the drift.

[Mako482]

Amen, thanks for posting this, paper.

 

Silly thread, to put everything on the man is bull****. If the women were being honest there would be no question.

[vanilla87]

Vanilla, I think maybe you are talking about something else....Here is an example...

 

You think Joe at work is cute, and you never went out with him before...

This Friday you are going out with friends for a bachelorette party, but he does not know..

 

Wednesday AM..

 

Joe-- "Hi vanilla, would you like to go to the Metallica concert this Friday? I have 2 tickets"

 

So what do you say?

 

Basically depends on if I only see the person as a friend or other, cause thats all it depends on.

 

When your more then friends with someone and they offer a chance to hang out, then said party would be more then likely find a way to hang out.

 

But when one of the friends or aquantiences only expresses interest, its obvious, they don't seem as enthuisiastic about hanging out alone or will make up an excuse, usually involving friends or family.

 

If someone really really likes you they will make time in their busy schedule to see you, no matter how busy they are, they will. So if they make up an excuse and they are busy, don't push it and let go, cause they are not interested.

[JoeNewbie]

Basically depends on if I only see the person as a friend or other, cause thats all it depends on.

 

When your more then friends with someone and they offer a chance to hang out, then said party would be more then likely find a way to hang out.

 

But when one of the friends or aquantiences only expresses interest, its obvious, they don't seem as enthuisiastic about hanging out alone or will make up an excuse, usually involving friends or family.

 

If someone really really likes you they will make time in their busy schedule to see you, no matter how busy they are, they will. So if they make up an excuse and they are busy, don't push it and let go, cause they are not interested.

 

I fully agree with what you say but I think you're not answering the question. In the situation that was described, how would you formulate your answer, 1) if you're interested, 2) if you're not interested?

[vonerik012]

Vanilla, reread the question.. I cant really ask anymore clearly...

[xpaperxcutx]

I think all of you are taking this out of context. In response to Mako, why on earth would you get tickets to Metallica if it's not a date? No girl would think it's casual hanging out if it's tickets that you bought for specifically two people. If she's not interested, of course she will hesitate on how to turn you down easily.

 

The message I was trying to get out of this thread is that if a girl's not interested, or if she's being inconsistent then you as a male, shouldn't go around assuming that she wants you to pursue her. For all of the guys that are tired of playing games, don't play it. You're all bitter because you think girls like to string you along, but most girls don't go into dating with plans on how to make you walk with your tails behind your back. You, yourselves allow yourselves to want to chase after a girl that's flaky or confusing, and you see it as a duty to your manhood to make her say yes.

 

There are alot of women out there, certain cities have a higher female to male ratio. Why do you feel the need to chase after one girl, especially one whose behaviour makes you constantly question her actions and motives? If a girl is interested in dating they're more than willing to want to go out with you. Either that, or she's really not attracted to you. Take that with a bit of pride and admit that you're not always going to attract every girl out there. And leave it at that.

 

And about those girls that you constantly question, if they have your number or your contact, they know where to reach you. If they turned you down the first, let them initiate the second time. If they like you then they will want to talk to you. If not, then you can't cast on your hopes on her.

[vanilla87]

I think all of you are taking this out of context. In response to Mako, why on earth would you get tickets to Metallica if it's not a date? No girl would think it's casual hanging out if it's tickets that you bought for specifically two people. If she's not interested, of course she will hesitate on how to turn you down easily.

 

The message I was trying to get out of this thread is that if a girl's not interested, or if she's being inconsistent then you as a male, shouldn't go around assuming that she wants you to pursue her. For all of the guys that are tired of playing games, don't play it. You're all bitter because you think girls like to string you along, but most girls don't go into dating with plans on how to make you walk with your tails behind your back. You, yourselves allow yourselves to want to chase after a girl that's flaky or confusing, and you see it as a duty to your manhood to make her say yes.

 

There are alot of women out there, certain cities have a higher female to male ratio. Why do you feel the need to chase after one girl, especially one whose behaviour makes you constantly question her actions and motives? If a girl is interested in dating they're more than willing to want to go out with you. Either that, or she's really not attracted to you. Take that with a bit of pride and admit that you're not always going to attract every girl out there. And leave it at that.

 

And about those girls that you constantly question, if they have your number or your contact, they know where to reach you. If they turned you down the first, let them initiate the second time. If they like you then they will want to talk to you. If not, then you can't cast on your hopes on her.

 

Completely Agree!

 

Some guys are too thick headed to get the concept of being nice, just cause we want to, not in a flirty way or showing interest, some girls are just nice in general to everyone (i.e. - teachers, cab drivers, children, parents, coaches, etc...)

 

I hope a guy on here gets it through his head to read into what she is saying, especially if she is flaky or is not interested, because its obvious when one isn't, but its WAY obvious if one wants you to make advances, and this applies to 85-90% of the female population, if a girl likes you she will make it known after a certain point and will SHOW interest, not just talk, SHOW, y actually being interested in what you have to say, if she doesn't like sports and suddenly takes interest, she likes you.

 

Also guys, all of you on here reading this forum, please understand we only avoid being direct because we don't know if you will take it to heart if we turn you down, so be up front with a girl if you like her, don't beat around the bush, because if you are, we will be too, its simple as that.

[SouthernT]

I guess this is mainly because girls tend to be really nice when they turn down a guy's invitation. Because they don't want to hurt anyone, girls can potentially send mixed signals to guys.

 

I am currently in that situation. I am a good loser and will happily accept "no" as an answer. However, the girl almost seems "too nice to be disinterested"...

 

Guys need to understand that they do the same thing to girls. And then wonder what takes some of us so long to get the "hint"

 

Because most of the time they don't say no. They say "Maybe" or "I'm busy" or any other number of excuses. but they rarely come out and say no.

 

 

No where in those threads was the guy straight up told no.

 

Besides, you're the last person("I have the flu") to be complaining.

 

Same as comment above.

[Mako482]

I think all of you are taking this out of context. In response to Mako, why on earth would you get tickets to Metallica if it's not a date? No girl would think it's casual hanging out if it's tickets that you bought for specifically two people. If she's not interested, of course she will hesitate on how to turn you down easily.

 

The message I was trying to get out of this thread is that if a girl's not interested, or if she's being inconsistent then you as a male, shouldn't go around assuming that she wants you to pursue her. For all of the guys that are tired of playing games, don't play it. You're all bitter because you think girls like to string you along, but most girls don't go into dating with plans on how to make you walk with your tails behind your back. You, yourselves allow yourselves to want to chase after a girl that's flaky or confusing, and you see it as a duty to your manhood to make her say yes.

 

There are alot of women out there, certain cities have a higher female to male ratio. Why do you feel the need to chase after one girl, especially one whose behaviour makes you constantly question her actions and motives? If a girl is interested in dating they're more than willing to want to go out with you. Either that, or she's really not attracted to you. Take that with a bit of pride and admit that you're not always going to attract every girl out there. And leave it at that.

 

And about those girls that you constantly question, if they have your number or your contact, they know where to reach you. If they turned you down the first, let them initiate the second time. If they like you then they will want to talk to you. If not, then you can't cast on your hopes on her.

 

I can't disagree with anything you said here, great advice. I think the way you worded your original post came out wrong.

 

In response to Mako, why on earth would you get tickets to Metallica if it's not a date? No girl would think it's casual hanging out if it's tickets that you bought for specifically two people. If she's not interested, of course she will hesitate on how to turn you down easily.

And you freaked me out with this Metallica ticket thing, I love Metallica and grew up listening to them, but where did you get that from? lol. I didn't post anything about buying tickets.

[Phateless]

I'm really noticing a trend on here in which the guys continuously question a girl's motives. They write about a girl's flakiness, inattentiveness, and sometimes her callousness, and why the girl isn't receptive to their advances when they ask her out. Then they get all bitter that they got turned down ands starts trashing the girl for being stuck up. There are also the ones that pursues like crazy and asks for strategies to get with a girl that's already said she's not interested.

 

My question is, why do they continously doubt what's in front of them? Why can't they just take no for an answer instead of analyzing her every actions?

Shouldn't no mean no? Even disinterest on her part is enough to tell them to move on.

 

Because they have no other options, so they're hoping they can find a "loophole" that will make her interested again. They thought she was interested at one point and so clearly they must be able to get it back somehow. That is the thought process.

 

Truth is, I'm really glad you posted that because I think a lot of guys on here needed to hear it. That used to be me. Lord knows I needed to hear it a few years ago. Knowing what I know now, I know that guys put themselves in that position.

 

You guys need to change your mentality to one where you are the one who is screening the girls to see if they are good enough for you, not you being the one who is trying to prove yourself good enough for them.

[cutegirl]

Not just guys have this problem, women have it too, a lot of women are stupid and don't get the damn hint when the guy is not interested and they waste a lot of time and effort pursuing and pining over a dude who doesn't want them! I was one of them!

 

The problem is so recurrent that there is even a self help book for women to deal with this, its called "He's Not That Into You". Too bad men are not into self help books, but this book really explained how to see the OBVIOUS signs when a man is not into them.

 

A lot of women AND men are just desperate and cling on to fantasies and dreams in the hope that one day that person will be interested in them.

 

A LOT of women I know have this problem and need to buy a clue. Apparently a lot of men do too.

[Phateless]

There is self-help out there for guys, but society looks down on it. It's called "dating coaches" or "seduction training" etc. Truth is, it's no different than women reading Cosmo magazine.

[Mako482]

I think there are differing degrees of this as well, in my case just recently on a second date with a woman we had an awesome time which ended with hand holding, arms around each other and a good amount of passionate kissing at the end. In the days following she was tossing mixed signals out which had me pretty baffled after the second date. It is tough to just toss something out as lack of interest at that point, this to me is where "flaky" comes in. Now yea, eventually after several days of no contact and not returning calls I said the hell with it and moved on due to obvious lack of interest, but it was a longer process to come to that conclusion due to the things that took place. It also prompted me to post here about it. So yea, if I just met you and you are making no efforts to talk with me or hang out I'm moving on, but that is tough to do when someone shows strong interest then does a 180 on you overnight.

[vonerik012]

I don't think there are many rules...

 

Back in our parents/grandparents day, it was common for men to ask women out for long periods of time, finally get a date, then it led to marriage.. Many of us would not be around if it was not for the persistence of our fathers, or grandfathers. The woman was viewed as a prize of sorts, (in a good way), not just anything that will do for the time being, and only worth minimal effort to get her to go out with you.

 

So now, people are saying "Ok if you ask once, and don't get an enthusiastic yes on the spot immediately, strike that women out and move on !"

 

Of course you don't want to appear to be desperate, but if you like a woman, is it not also pretty weak to just ask once then give up forever? It also does not seem strong or romantic on the male's part to just quit the first second.

 

And no matter what anyone says, many women do not want to appear to be easy or desperate either. They want to make you work. This is common in other cultures. In other cultures men are more like men, and not worried about rejection, or buying books on how to get women to approach you, etc.

 

If you are intuitive, and can do it properly, I do not feel persistence is always such a bad thing. Many women change their minds every 5 minutes. A "no" is not always set in stone forever. Of course sometimes it is.. You just have to figure out which girl is worth the persistence, and which girl you have a shot at.

[JoeNewbie]

There are guys who think a girl likes them just because she said hello. That is one category. But for the rest of us, it can get more complicated.

 

One of my best female friends thinks that a "soft no" actually means "yes". She also thinks that guys should definitely ask twice rather than quitting after the first strike. According to her, a girl likely won't ask even if she is interested, so it's up to the guy to ask.

 

I remember a girl who turned me down even BEFORE I asked her out. We ended up being friends and yes, I ended up scoring with her.

 

I think guys should use a good dosage of assertiveness and judgment. "No" doesn't always mean "no".

[Phateless]

All of this is true. I think in situations where the girl is giving mixed signs that's where it's up to us to have better things to do than obsess over her. The power of backing off a little bit can be huge. Sometimes things completely out of our control can change. Maybe she got back together with her ex? Who knows... Learning to read body language is huge.

[KinAZ]

All of this is true. I think in situations where the girl is giving mixed signs that's where it's up to us to have better things to do than obsess over her. The power of backing off a little bit can be huge. Sometimes things completely out of our control can change. Maybe she got back together with her ex? Who knows... Learning to read body language is huge.

 

I totally agree with this post, especially the part in bold.

 

Sometimes, I think it might be best, if you're REALLY into the person and want a clear answer... just ask. Not everyone is the same, and not everyone is hyper about relationships as some can be (or even their interest in a person, for that matter.) Some people really do just move more slowly than others, or it takes them time to know what they want for sure.

 

If a girl likes your friendship, but isn't interested in anything more, it may very well seem that she is sending mixed signals. When in doubt, just ask. Otherwise, you might get angry for no reason, sit around waiting for no reason, and on and on.

 

You might say that you really enjoy her friendship, chatting with her, spending time with her, but that you're interested in her romantically as well, and want to know where she stands. If she's not sure, she'll more than likely give you some middle ground answer about getting to know you. If she's simply not interested, this is at least her chance to give a fairly honest answer or cop out (i.e. I'm not really looking for a relationship right now).

 

I think part of the problem in these situations is that people never want to be too blunt. Ask out a girl you know from school. She might say yes... but is it a "date"? You can use body language to clue you in, but when in doubt... just ask. (Maybe not right away of course. If the situation is lingering in the same gear, just ask for your own peace of mind. In general though, these situations simply mean that the other person isn't AS interested as you are, and may be occupied with someone else. It doesn't necessarily mean that they're totally uninterested.)

[LovehateLove]

The problem I have with body language is that body language is not necessarily universal all of the time. For example, sometimes I sit down and fold my arms. I don't fold them to ward people off or seem closed. I fold my arms without thinking. There are also a lot of girl who smile at anyone and everyone and there are girls who naturally sit with pigeon toed feet and play with their hair, and yet these are a few signs of attraction we are taught to observe for.

 

Speech is by far the most important factor in expressing your desire for someone.