How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[TrustInYourself]

I vented on this forum.

 

When I was with her I never said what I wrote here. I was collected and calm. I never told her how I felt. I never reminded her of my moral convictions(I had them just as you do). I was not needy.

 

I needed her yet I never voiced it. I knew to do so was pointless.

[TrustInYourself]

I never argued. I never presented a case for her to fight against. I never reasoned against her.

 

I used emotional judo. I went with her decision. I supported her throughout. If she wanted a divorce. I would support it unconditionally.

 

I loved her unconditionally. I didn't need marriage or any of that traditional nonsense to love her.

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you are wrong in your approach.

 

Your reasoning is from your perspective rather than your wife. You posess zero to no empathy or understanding. You have no life. You have no ability to move forward. You are the most unattractive person ever, because you continue to accentuate those personality traits, rather than your strengths (which your neighbor has obviously noted).

 

You ask what to do win your wife back. You are not capable of doing it, because you lack the ability to put your moral convictions and your daughter out of the equation. You fail at putting your wife first. Her needs, her love, her desires. You see nothing, but your own perspective.

 

Your wife hasn't changed. Your ability to see things from her side has changed your perspective of her.

 

The affair..meaningless because you forced her to find someone who could relate and understand her unconditionally.

 

The truth is more painful than this affair. You haven't even begun to scratch the surface. Now go hide your head and go back to your "dark" place.

[SingleDad]

I vented on this forum.

 

When I was with her I never said what I wrote here. I was collected and calm. I never told her how I felt. I never reminded her of my moral convictions(I had them just as you do). I was not needy.

 

I needed her yet I never voiced it. I knew to do so was pointless.

 

TIY - So you did not vent to your W that you were through with her - you did not kick her to the curb - you just vented about it here - but that is not how you acted with her ?

 

So what you did instead is just sit back and listen and not express your wishes ?

 

 

 

I would do the same thing if my wife came back to me and told me to listen to her and If I did the things she wanted she would be back.

 

Instead she is gone and living her own life with the thought that she can start a new life with someone else. She is not coming back to talk with me - I have to put reality in her face and try to have her face her addictive affair and that she is walking out on her family and her daughter and that it is not the right thing to do.

 

If I can get her to face that and we can talk in reality again, then I would have the opportunity to listen to her. But when she is not talking, I cannot listen.

[badbrit]

I never argued. I never presented a case for her to fight against. I never reasoned against her.

 

I used emotional judo. I went with her decision. I supported her throughout. If she wanted a divorce. I would support it unconditionally.

 

I loved her unconditionally. I didn't need marriage or any of that traditional nonsense to love her.

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you are wrong in your approach.

 

Your reasoning is from your perspective rather than your wife. You posess zero to no empathy or understanding. You have no life. You have no ability to move forward. You are the most unattractive person ever, because you continue to accentuate those personality traits, rather than your strengths (which your neighbor has obviously noted).

 

You ask what to do win your wife back. You are not capable of doing it, because you lack the ability to put your moral convictions and your daughter out of the equation. You fail at putting your wife first. Her needs, her love, her desires. You see nothing, but your own perspective.

 

Your wife hasn't changed. Your ability to see things from her side has changed your perspective of her.

 

The affair..meaningless because you forced her to find someone who could relate and understand her unconditionally.

 

The truth is more painful than this affair. You haven't even begun to scratch the surface. Now go hide your head and go back to your "dark" place.

 

 

WOW now that seems harsh but is bang on the money!!!!

 

Very well said and summed it up to perfect, total perfection and I have bolded a very important part of it

[badbrit]

TIY - So you did not vent to your W that you were through with her - you did not kick her to the curb - you just vented about it here - but that is not how you acted with her ?

 

So what you did instead is just sit back and listen and not express your wishes ?

 

 

 

I would do the same thing if my wife came back to me and told me to listen to her and If I did the things she wanted she would be back.

 

Instead she is gone and living her own life with the thought that she can start a new life with someone else. She is not coming back to talk with me - I have to put reality in her face and try to have her face her addictive affair and that she is walking out on her family and her daughter and that it is not the right thing to do.

 

If I can get her to face that and we can talk in reality again, then I would have the opportunity to listen to her. But when she is not talking, I cannot listen.

 

 

You are such a total idiot, a real idiot, it is now becoming comical.

 

You need to get her to face blah blah LMAO, i am in stitches here, I really am, that is hilarious.

 

Listen fool. When u relaxed she came round to the house a couple times, stayed for half an hour, petted the dogs blah blah. Listen to light chat to open the lines of communication and it would have come.

 

You are too inpatient and stupid, I am out of this thread as you are seriously annoying me with your limited brain power

[SingleDad]

I never argued. I never presented a case for her to fight against. I never reasoned against her.

 

I used emotional judo. I went with her decision. I supported her throughout. If she wanted a divorce. I would support it unconditionally.

 

I loved her unconditionally. I didn't need marriage or any of that traditional nonsense to love her.

 

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you are wrong in your approach.

 

Your reasoning is from your perspective rather than your wife. You posess zero to no empathy or understanding. You have no life. You have no ability to move forward. You are the most unattractive person ever, because you continue to accentuate those personality traits, rather than your strengths (which your neighbor has obviously noted).

 

You ask what to do win your wife back. You are not capable of doing it, because you lack the ability to put your moral convictions and your daughter out of the equation. You fail at putting your wife first. Her needs, her love, her desires. You see nothing, but your own perspective.

 

Your wife hasn't changed. Your ability to see things from her side has changed your perspective of her.

 

The affair..meaningless because you forced her to find someone who could relate and understand her unconditionally.

 

The truth is more painful than this affair. You haven't even begun to scratch the surface. Now go hide your head and go back to your "dark" place.

 

Very harsh words - but I do understand what you are saying... the very things you are saying to do, understand her, listen to her, relate to her and understand her unconditionally are all things I honestly should have done long before now - long before she filed for a divorce.

 

Now all she wants is a divorce and have her affair - for the life of me, I do not see how supporting that she wants to divorce me and have her affair will ever have her see me in a better light and will want to come back to our marraige. I do not know how agreeing to a divorce will ever save a marraige...

 

Her needs, her loves, her desires are about someone else... I cannot see how supporting that will do anything but give her support to divorce me for him...

 

 

When you understood your wifes' needs, her loves and her desires she was still clouded in her emotions and you were able to remove the fog.

 

My situation is far more dire.

 

If you can explain how supporting my wife's affair and a divorce is the right thing to be doing, maybe I could understand - right now I clearly do not...

[TrustInYourself]

Very harsh words - but I do understand what you are saying... the very things you are saying to do, understand her, listen to her, relate to her and understand her unconditionally are all things I honestly should have done long before now - long before she filed for a divorce.

 

Now all she wants is a divorce and have her affair - for the life of me, I do not see how supporting that she wants to divorce me and have her affair will ever have her see me in a better light and will want to come back to our marraige. I do not know how agreeing to a divorce will ever save a marraige...

 

Her needs, her loves, her desires are about someone else... I cannot see how supporting that will do anything but give her support to divorce me for him...

 

 

When you understood your wifes' needs, her loves and her desires she was still clouded in her emotions and you were able to remove the fog.

 

My situation is far more dire.

 

If you can explain how supporting my wife's affair and a divorce is the right thing to be doing, maybe I could understand - right now I clearly do not...

 

Wrong. No situation is dire, unless you make it dire. I went from zero understanding to 100% understanding. If there was another man, I would approach differently. For me, the other man is not an obstacle. He's a waste of my time and not on my level. If my wife wants that other man over me, she deserves him and he deserves her.

 

I would not fight for her. A addict does not break an addiction because of others. An addict will only break their addiction for themselves. Because they see the value in the alternative.

 

What works? Living for yourself. That's not supporting divorce. That's supporting your life.

 

I don't like using harsh words with you SD. I think you have it hard enough. But you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be honest about your tactics. They serve you. They serve your feelings. When your tactics start serving your wife and her needs (for divorce, for the other man) and your needs, you will be using the right tactics.

 

Tough love is a bitch, but I will give it to you if you want it.

[SingleDad]

I thought part of the process was to expose the affair, take away the excitement of the affair, show her that I am still there for her - the Plan A, and have her realize that I am a better option.

 

I cannot understand how supporting her by supporting her affair would acccomplish this ?

[TrustInYourself]

What works!?

 

If you take one thing away from this whole discussion today.

 

What works??

[TrustInYourself]

I thought part of the process was to expose the affair, take away the excitement of the affair, show her that I am still there for her - the Plan A, and have her realize that I am a better option.

 

I cannot understand how supporting her by supporting her affair would acccomplish this ?

 

Owl has a wife who realizes what she would lose if she continued her affair.

 

You don't have that luxury. Your wife has zero interest in you. She values you about as much as a pet goldfish.

[SingleDad]

Wrong. No situation is dire, unless you make it dire. I went from zero understanding to 100% understanding. If there was another man, I would approach differently. For me, the other man is not an obstacle. He's a waste of my time and not on my level. If my wife wants that other man over me, she deserves him and he deserves her.

 

I would not fight for her. A addict does not break an addiction because of others. An addict will only break their addiction for themselves. Because they see the value in the alternative.

 

What works? Living for yourself. That's not supporting divorce. That's supporting your life.

 

I don't like using harsh words with you SD. I think you have it hard enough. But you have to be honest with yourself. You have to be honest about your tactics. They serve you. They serve your feelings. When your tactics start serving your wife and her needs (for divorce, for the other man) and your needs, you will be using the right tactics.

 

Tough love is a bitch, but I will give it to you if you want it.

 

I am pathetic - because I do not know how to live for myself... I do so little for myself... I have always done things for others. or chores.

 

I do not know how to make my life exciting... I do not know how to be happy on my own.

 

I do not know how to serve my wife and her needs, especially now that her needs are to get away from me.

 

What exactly are the words I am supposed to Tell her ?

 

I should just hang myself and make life easier for everyone

[TrustInYourself]

I am pathetic - because I do not know how to live for myself... I do so little for myself... I have always done things for others. or chores.

 

I do not know how to make my life exciting... I do not know how to be happy on my own.

 

I do not know how to serve my wife and her needs, especially now that her needs are to get away from me.

 

What exactly are the words I am supposed to Tell her ?

 

I should just hang myself and make life easier for everyone

 

This is a temporary time in space, bro. I've felt the same way. I've wanted to die from the way my heart felt. You're not alone. So stop thinking dumb thoughts like you should die. If your daughter read this thread she would never forgive you. You're a good father and a loving husband. The world needs more people like you.

 

This is going to blow your mind.

 

Your weaknesses are also your strengths. As I said before, this is perception. This is all just a matter of taking advantage of those shortcomings and making adjustments.

 

What works?!

 

That should be your focus. Not this emotional garbage. Action. Implement action to move on with your life.

 

F*CK your wife's needs. This is about your needs. Okay?

 

Once you start addressing those needs, the rest of that sh*t falls into place.

 

Action. What works for you?

 

LOL, honestly, I tell you this every week. You start to get better, than boom. You face hell. That's part of this whole process.

 

I'm here with you. This board is here with you. Take care and stop thinking those horrible thoughts. You are a good person and I care. So no hanging yourself in the shower, ok ?

[SingleDad]

I have no idea what my needs are !!!! My needs are to have a loving family, a loving wife, loving children...

 

I guess that is why I am clinging to them.

 

I have never loved myself and do not know the first thing about loving myself... I only know how to occupy myself.

 

I have never really learned to love outside myself either... my divorce and my daughter are teaching me about love and what is really important to me.

 

Before it was a career and being the provider... Now all I want to do is love - love my wife, love my daughter

[TrustInYourself]

I have no idea what my needs are !!!! My needs are to have a loving family, a loving wife, loving children...

 

I guess that is why I am clinging to them.

 

I have never loved myself and do not know the first thing about loving myself... I only know how to occupy myself.

 

I have never really learned to love outside myself either... my divorce and my daughter are teaching me about love and what is really important to me.

 

Before it was a career and being the provider... Now all I want to do is love.

 

 

That's great, man. Personally, I think you need to work this out with some IC. Get this out with a professional. Understanding yourself is only going to help you.

 

I'm serious though. Spend some time doing things for yourself. I know you like Jazz fusion. Get out and listen to some live music. Get absorbed into some of the things that are your passion. Enjoy life. Good lord do I have to beat you over the head to remind you? Go have some fun.

 

Live a little. Experience life and find out what makes you happy and what you desire from life. Grow up. That may be tough since you're like 40 years old...but we all have to constantly grow. Otherwise we are just dying.

[SingleDad]

I am done trying... as everyone has beat me over the head, my W being with a BF - anything I say or do to snap her out of it and show her that she has a family... is viewed by my W as harrassment.

 

I am going dark with her - NC - I can't cope anymore - it is killing me.

 

All I can do is learn to "Get A Life" and be the best father I can be to my daughter when I have her. I am fine when I am with my daughter, but I cannot stand when I am alone - I cannot get past it...

[TrustInYourself]

Stop trying because you want to, not because these other people tell you to.

 

The real reason should be the reaction your wife gives you when you try to convince her of your worth.

 

Also your emotional state should give you some indications on the effectiveness of your approach.

[GettingThere]

I have no idea what my needs are !!!! My needs are to have a loving family, a loving wife, loving children...

 

I guess that is why I am clinging to them.

 

I have never loved myself and do not know the first thing about loving myself... I only know how to occupy myself.

 

I have never really learned to love outside myself either... my divorce and my daughter are teaching me about love and what is really important to me.

 

Before it was a career and being the provider... Now all I want to do is love - love my wife, love my daughter

 

SD - I've been on these forums before under a different username - was way to obvious so am back with a new one - I'm really worried that you seem not to have gotten any better...I know I've missed alot but I really hope you've had highs as well as lows. What you are going through is normal and everyone takes their own sweet time with it.

 

Your needs - Be a GREAT dad!! You sound like you are, but be an even better one by letting this woman go. Don't spend any more energy thinking about her focussing on her worrying about her and the new BF. They'll either last or they wont but nothing you do will change that outcome at least nothing constructive.

 

Be a GREAT dad by enjoying your life - your little girl (I think) will want a HAPPY dad not a sad depressed dad. That means get back out there man!! Live your life...let the time pass until you start to feel better. Don't focus on the ex please....it gets you absolutely nowhere - trust me. I spent so much time focussing on my ex I forgot how to be a GREAT mum!!! Focussed on his new relationship so much I forgot my own life and my own needs!!!

 

You only get one life so please, please, grab yours by the horns and get on with it - it really will get easier if you just accept that your life is now different and get this...NEW!!! Who knows what's waiting out there for you SD if you're just open to the chances life will throw at you. This is a beginning not an end

[SingleDad]

GettingThere - I guess I have had such a hard time jumping off the rollercoaster ride... Thinking that as long as we are only separated and not divorced... that there was a chance for reconciliation. If she only truly could break through the fantasy to realize how much I love her and can show her - I really do not believe she would not be doing this - All she ever wanted was my love.

 

Having done all of the wrong things during my marriage and attempts to save my marriage - just turned her away more and more - seems she can't stand me anymore. More and more I am finding my W to be a cold hearted alien who doesn't care about the impact this will have on others - as long as she can find happiness in another man. She is not the person she was a year ago.

 

She is so blinded by this fantasy that she cannot see reality in the slightest.

 

Amazing that every WAS does exactly the same thing.

 

I cry every day at the loss of my family - I just never saw how much of a train wreck a divorce is.

 

Some days are better than others - but I guess that was when there was better communication with my W.

 

My W had such a hold on me that the only thing I needed to focus on was her and my immediate family - I wasn't the best at that - but apparently it worked - now she just walks away and I can't seem to let go...

 

Can't tell if it's because of being a single dad, the impact it is and will have on my daughter, the impact is is and will have on my life and dreams, or if It's all love over what I had and didn't know it - all wrapped into one.

 

I know I need to get a new life... Don't know if I can do it without a GF - but isn't that just filling a gaping hole with something else ?

 

I know I need to move on - and am making feeble attempts at it...

[Billy Bob]

Can't tell if it's because of being a single dad, the impact it is and will have on my daughter, the impact is is and will have on my life and dreams, or if It's all love over what I had and didn't know it - all wrapped into one.

 

I know I need to get a new life... Don't know if I can do it without a GF - but isn't that just filling a gaping hole with something else ?

 

I know I need to move on - and am making feeble attempts at it...

 

SD, you're going to be fine! Lots of us here were right where you are at... although you seem to be taking longer to transition. I would have to say 2 years after my divorce that I am happier now than I ever was married to my ex-wife. However, if you would have told me that amid the heartbreak 3 years ago I would never have believed you.

 

I was diagnosed with cancer during my seperation/divorce.. even though I was facing like a 35% chance of dying, my wife of 12 years still abondoned me and my children. She refused to wear her wedding ring at the same time I was going to my cancer treatments, she was out partying as I stayed home and watched my children. It really showed me the true qualities of her personality. She wasn't the person I percieved her to be for 12 years.

 

I was completely worthless at work for a year, I used to cry about the state of my health and marriage.. sit in the bathroom at work an just cry. Worry about my children, what was going to happen to them..

 

One day I finally woke up and said "I want to be happy", she threatened divorce for like the 4th time, and I just said "OK".

 

From that point on I decided to live for me and my kids, not her. She didn't know how good she had it.

 

I started dating, and fairly soon realized that other women did like me. Some woman actually were attracted to a professional, divorced dad that had custody of his kids. Actually, there are so many flakes out there that run from responsibility, so many playboys that are just looking for a quick fling.. that I had to almost beat them off of me. There are lots of single moms and single girls that want to find a nice reliable guy.

 

Took me a few years, and a few relationships, but eventually I found a great gal that fit me. She's a great step-mom and loves my kids. We are both on our second marriages now, and we both went through similar situations. Neither one of us would tolerate walk-away spouse behavior.

 

I can truly say I am much happier in my new marriage than I ever was before. My kids still see there mom 5-6 days a month and after an intitial period of adjustment are doing quite well.

 

There is life after divorce! SD, you will be happy again. You just need to get to the stage where you say "I want to be happy" and be done with her!

[Darth Vader]

Does your Ex know what she lost, especially after seeing how happy you are now? Or does she even care? How in the world did you get custody? Not that that's impossible, of course.

[LostHusband]

SD I am at the same place you are. I noticed in your sig that your separation day was June 12, so was mine. We have both been separated from our wives the same amount of time, both our wives have moved on to another man, I can really feel what you are feeling. Sometimes it hurts most when I think about her with another man, sometimes it hurts more to think that I will possibly never be able to hold her or kiss her again. It is simply a terrible terrible feeling.

 

Try not to let it get to you too much how everyone is yelling at you what to do, I know you mean to do the best and it sounds mean what people are telling you - but they have moved past the place where we are and do have wisdom on the subject. But right now it is VERY hard - I am right there with you. I cry constantly, more than I have in my life. I wake up in the middle of the night sobbing, wanting to call my STBXW, almost broke down and did so last night. But I remembered how harmful this would be to both my emotional well being, and to the relationship with my STBX. I do want to stay on friendly terms with the mother of my kids. I know that no matter what I say or do will not change her mind. I am completely heartbroken, but I get up and get through each day and each day I am glad to have survived it. Little by little, it will get better - I know this. Life goes on. My daughter hugs and kisses me every day when she is here, she makes me smile no matter how much my heart hurts. I have no advice for you but just want you to know you are not alone!

[Billy Bob]

Does your Ex know what she lost, especially after seeing how happy you are now? Or does she even care? How in the world did you get custody? Not that that's impossible, of course.

 

Ahh, I know she is a bit jealous now.. I got custosy because at the time she didn't want custody, she was living in her fantasy world and didn't have time for the kids.. My gain. I filed for divorce and she was so wrapped up in her single life, she didn't even contest.. mY gain.. her loss! Found a much better wife afterwards!

[GettingThere]

I cry every day at the loss of my family - I just never saw how much of a train wreck a divorce is.

 

Some days are better than others - but I guess that was when there was better communication with my W.

 

My W had such a hold on me that the only thing I needed to focus on was her and my immediate family - I wasn't the best at that - but apparently it worked - now she just walks away and I can't seem to let go...

 

Can't tell if it's because of being a single dad, the impact it is and will have on my daughter, the impact is is and will have on my life and dreams, or if It's all love over what I had and didn't know it - all wrapped into one.

 

I know I need to get a new life... Don't know if I can do it without a GF - but isn't that just filling a gaping hole with something else ?

 

I know I need to move on - and am making feeble attempts at it...

 

I get what you are saying here - seperation and divorce are HUGE and hellish steps to take - I didn't realise either just how it would affect me or how knowing my stbx has a new girl would affect me. I have a new guy too so it seems our relationship can't have been that important to either of us!! Actually I'm being flippant - it was for a long, long, long time but sometimes you need to know when to throw the towel in. Even though I KNEW it was the right thing to do (there's only so long you can live that unhappily) I still find myself looking back and regretting and looking at my kids lives now and wishing we'd both tried EVEN harder to make it work, but ultimately those feelings have been dying off in the last few months as I realise more and more that I deserve a real chance at a happy life and ultimately so does he. This makes our kids happier too.

 

It's a HUGE mountain to climb SD but I think when you start to accept and let go you will start to feel better.

 

Put it this way....maybe your stbx does need a reality shock and maybe she will want to come back, but take it from me, she wont whilst you are like this, if she is going to it will be when she sees you back out there in the real world enjoying yourself and who knows even dating!!! That's what will test whether she does want to come back or not.

[SingleDad]

I know, I know - that is what everyone has been telling me for a long long time - at times beating me over the head about it.

 

Boy I am stubborn

[Mr. Lucky]

Even though I KNEW it was the right thing to do (there's only so long you can live that unhappily)

Singledad, when my marriage broke up my therapist identified this step for me as getting to the point where one is "unhappy with being unhappy". You just get tired of being sad, lonely, self-pitying and lost. I don't think you're there yet ...

 

Mr. Lucky