How to start from scratch in 12 mo separation ?

[SingleDad]

When she told you of the BF, best reaction? Disgusted look in your face, disapppointed in her look in your face, let down look and no words, indifference. 100 times more effective than saying what you did.

 

I disagree wholeheartedly. Indifference would just show I don't care anymore. That will not bring her back... maybe nothing will. But telling her what I said in today's e-mail will allow me to sleep at night knowing that I am trying - stir up conflict between her emotions and her moral convictions.

[SingleDad]

There seems no doubt that what SD is doing rarely if ever works.

 

I'm puzzled though whether there is in fact anything that brings back a walkaway spouse.

 

Perhaps the answer is that it simply makes no difference what he did do or does do in the future because first of all she probably isn't coming back and second if she does come back it will be for her own reasons?

 

I agree - she probably will never come back - I do not think anything I do or don't do will bring her back.

 

But I know one thing - letting her know my feelings and my convictions allows me to feel better.

 

And some day maybe months or years from now, my W will also know that I tried and maybe she will some day see that I was right... I am trying to appeal to her moral convictions... because her emotions are deluded.

 

Now I know I did what my heart told me what to do.

 

I will now see what my heart tells me to do next - maybe it will be to go live my own independent life.

[SingleDad]

If you have not established that she had the OM prior to your separation then she might be right. Despite your personal thoughts, I think most people accept that dating (and whatever goes with it) is acceptable during a separation unless you have a clear agreement to the contrary.

 

That said, odds are she had at least an emotional affair prior to the separation and that is what spurred other things on.

 

 

 

You don't have to marry her. Make a friend and have some fun.

 

All true - but looking back at her actions and words - tearing up the wedding pictures, telling me "you don't know how to love me the way I need it", going back on birthcontrol pills within a week of initiating the divorce... all tells me now that there was another guy in the picture from the start.

[n9688m]

telling me "you don't know how to love me the way I need it", going back on birthcontrol pills within a week of initiating the divorce... all tells me now that there was another guy in the picture from the start.

 

I agree that is almost surely the case.

 

The question then - and it applies to me as well - is what if by some amazing miracle she turns around and wants to come back. Then what? How can you trust someone again who has deceived you for so long? I frankly doubt that either of us will receive "The Call" but I'm also uncertain that in fact it would matter if it came.

[badbrit]

SD deluded and frankly stupid too

 

That email is nothing but emotional manipulation and trying to reason with her and is frankly disgusting.

 

You know nothing about human nature at all.

 

Example, and frankly I cannot be bothered with any others so will give just the one.

"I have shown you that I "set you free" because I love you,"

 

You silly silly man. You are showing the exact opposite of that everytime you open your mouth.

 

Setting her free? Does setting her free include saying she is committing adultery?

Setting her free? Does setting her free include calling her dishonest?

Setting her free? Does setting her free include calling her new BF names and accussing him of smashing your family and doing such a diservice to Brook?

Setting her free? Does setting her free include telling her you will do anything to make her happy in your family.

Setting her free? Does setting her free include telling her she will not be happy seeing your daughter half the time?

 

 

DAMN the list is endless.

 

You foolish, silly man

[badbrit]

You are trying to guilt trip her and that is crazy. You cannot even see it and that is very bad, if this is how you were in the marriage, this unreasonable, this unwilling to change, this unwilling to understand, this unwilling to make an effort to see things from her perspective rather than your own, then I am not surprised she left you.

 

Yes, that is unkind and it is also true. You are totally unwilling to see anything from anything other than your own perspective, your own feelings, your own narrow minded way of viewing things. You must have been a nightmare to live with.

[SingleDad]

I agree that is almost surely the case.

 

The question then - and it applies to me as well - is what if by some amazing miracle she turns around and wants to come back. Then what? How can you trust someone again who has deceived you for so long? I frankly doubt that either of us will receive "The Call" but I'm also uncertain that in fact it would matter if it came.

 

I realize that neither of us were happy in the months leading up to the filing. I had my hand in the marriage falling apart - I let the stresses of life and my job get to me and wasn't there emotionally for my W.

 

I understand why we needed a separation - we were getting to be poison to each other. I understand why she sought the warmth and affection of another man - It is human nature to feel needed.

 

Trust, love and family can be rebuilt if both persons are willing. I understand it will likely take a miracle for this to happen.

 

But I also believe sometimes miracles don't just happen. Sometimes a pro-active approach is needed.

 

Letting my W know that I am still there for her and understanding is the step that I am taking.

 

Enduring love (which is what all women really want in the end)- while trying to avoid being clingy and needy - I believe is the right approach to get my wife back. She was completely withdrawn and moved on apart from me - I had an opportunity to stir up conflict in her mind between her fantasy emotions and her moral convictions - to I took that opportunity to show her.

 

I will "go dark" again, now that I have said my peace.

 

If I was dating someone else and thought I was falling in love, then I would likely be conflicted on whether I wanted my W back.

 

It is a hard position to take. I have built a family with my W - had one really bad year after 6 decent years - Shouldn't I be able to hold out hope for another year for even the slight chance that things can reconcile.

 

Part of me thinks the devil has taken over my wife - and all she needs is for things to work out badly for her to realize that she had it pretty good being with me.

 

I will have many more years in my life to see other people and start over if this marriage doesn't survive.

 

I guess going through this process has woken me up to understand the strength of my moral convictions and my marital vows, which is all that much stronger when I think about how my daughter will be affected by all of this.

[TrustInYourself]

Amusing posts. I am worried and astounded.

 

I am a success story. I am married once more, after a 6 month separation. She was completely done with the marriage. Now we both have a second chance. Imagine that?!

 

I'm bewildered by this transformation in you over the past week. How could you basically throw out all of the positive changes you've made?

 

Your wife opened the window a slight bit and what was your reaction? You went off! You tried to force the window open. You tried to force your perspective down her throat.

 

When are you going to be serious about any of this?

 

I'm not giving up on you, but seriously..you need to address your emotional and personal shortcomings.

 

Do you want me to be as blunt and honest or do you want me to continue to paint a picture with a blunt blush in broad strokes?

[SingleDad]

Surprisingly - through this whole ordeal - I do not recall my wife ever telling me shat she does not love me or the typical I love you but I am not in love with you.

 

But she has never given me hope either. Just "I am not your wife", "don't call me dear", "I am not married to you" - because she has an emotional attachment to another man - and has to believe that she is not married for her slanted world to believe she is not doing anything morally wrong.

 

Obviously, there are two end results - either she divorces me to marry someone else. Or things end badly with other man/men and comes back to me.

 

i do believe at some point in time (months or years) she will come back to a point of reconciliation... The question is will I still be around or available... In Divorce Care - that is called the line of reconciliation - the wayward spouse will cycle around the line - but will we be on the line at the same time ?

 

Through our daughter, we will always have some level of contact... but how long can a person wait for it to be right for the other person ?

[Billy Bob]

You are trying to guilt trip her and that is crazy. You cannot even see it and that is very bad, if this is how you were in the marriage, this unreasonable, this unwilling to change, this unwilling to understand, this unwilling to make an effort to see things from her perspective rather than your own, then I am not surprised she left you.

 

Yes, that is unkind and it is also true. You are totally unwilling to see anything from anything other than your own perspective, your own feelings, your own narrow minded way of viewing things. You must have been a nightmare to live with.

 

SD, you haven't set her free.. I agree, you come accross as obsessed. She's gone, she's with another guy. Sending her letters accusing her and demonstrating her feelings only scares her off more. If you really want a chance of her coming back, you have to get over her and move on.

 

She probably see's you as obsessive and extremley controlling. Listen, I tried pleading with my WS for months before I finally quit. When I completely didn't give a **** anymore is when she started questioning her decisions. It wasn't until I had found someone else and was happy... then she questioned her choices and tried to come back.

 

What kind of relationship do you have with your ex-wife right now? Do you really think if she even came back now that you could ever regain what you think you have lost? Imagine her coming back into your life, could you live with the fact that she was sleeping with another man, lying to you?

[TrustInYourself]

I realize that neither of us were happy in the months leading up to the filing. I had my hand in the marriage falling apart - I let the stresses of life and my job get to me and wasn't there emotionally for my W.

 

I understand why we needed a separation - we were getting to be poison to each other. I understand why she sought the warmth and affection of another man - It is human nature to feel needed.

 

Trust, love and family can be rebuilt if both persons are willing. I understand it will likely take a miracle for this to happen.

 

But I also believe sometimes miracles don't just happen. Sometimes a pro-active approach is needed.

 

Letting my W know that I am still there for her and understanding is the step that I am taking.

 

Enduring love (which is what all women really want in the end)- while trying to avoid being clingy and needy - I believe is the right approach to get my wife back. She was completely withdrawn and moved on apart from me - I had an opportunity to stir up conflict in her mind between her fantasy emotions and her moral convictions - to I took that opportunity to show her.

 

I will "go dark" again, now that I have said my peace.

 

If I was dating someone else and thought I was falling in love, then I would likely be conflicted on whether I wanted my W back.

 

It is a hard position to take. I have built a family with my W - had one really bad year after 6 decent years - Shouldn't I be able to hold out hope for another year for even the slight chance that things can reconcile.

 

Part of me thinks the devil has taken over my wife - and all she needs is for things to work out badly for her to realize that she had it pretty good being with me.

 

I will have many more years in my life to see other people and start over if this marriage doesn't survive.

 

I guess going through this process has woken me up to understand the strength of my moral convictions and my marital vows, which is all that much stronger when I think about how my daughter will be affected by all of this.

 

Straight up..I read this and I'm scared of you and for you.

[SingleDad]

I know - I never realized before how strong my marital vows were to me. But each day that I have my daughter and each day that I do not, makes me realize that this lifestyle for me and for her is not right - not the way it is intended to be.

 

I do not know how to view things differently.

[n9688m]

I do not know how to view things differently.

 

How about setting an example for Brooke by having a loving relationship with a woman to become her stepmother?

[SingleDad]

Straight up..I read this and I'm scared of you and for you.

 

TIY - As I recall you tried to save your marriage as well and had a couple of sit down conversations of straight talk... fortunately for you your conflict only lasted a couple of months...

 

Your wife was conflicted - you were able to cut her off and she came running back.

 

Unfortunately, my wife is too far gone. If I cut her off she's gone forever.

 

I think I have to reel her in first.

 

One difference in my marriage is that I always had a hard time expressing myself - telling her that I love her. She was feeling unloved and unwanted ... If I continue that now... why would she ever want to come back.

 

I think she needs to know that I can express my love for her and that I do love her... because that is what she really wants.

 

The difficult part is to show her my love without being clingy or needy about it... That I do not need her in my life... but that it is a conscious decision that I want her in my life.

[badbrit]

Dude we have been here through 40 pages of this thread, do you think we are all wrong and you are right? That you are wiser and smarter than the whole collective of this thread? You are seriously emotionally damaged here.

 

You say she is seeing things warped or screwed up etc but it is YOU doing that.

 

She left you and I can totally see why because you are a stubborn man. You think because you gave a marriage vow that is your role over? You go to work and said "I DO! and screw the rest. She did not leave because things were good or she was happy did she?

 

So she got fed up and wanted to be happier than you were making her and left and you know lay all this guilt trip rubbish on and think it matters and cannot see that actually you can say what a nice and great man you are all day, your tone, stubboness, your inability to see from another view, inability to respect your wife and what she says and how you twist things (example - she never said she did not love me - as if that means your situation is different) shows you are not a good husband because you are stubborn, blinkered, weak, and only see things from your perspective that saying "i do" is all it takes

 

You foolish man

[SingleDad]

TIY - this is a quote from you "Are we working on this damn marriage or what? If so, you need to move your ass back in here and work on it with me. I need to be able to communicate exactly what's on my mind. You need to feel free to communicate exactly what's on your mind. We need to be able to find peace together and happiness from our relationship. Love is a god damn choice, not some fairy tale feeling!!"

 

You were doing the same thing is I am - (but you vented on this forum that your were done) - but I do not think you told your W that... In fact you made love with her a couple of times during separation and spent as much time as possible with your W during separation.

[n9688m]

Obviously, there are two end results - either she divorces me to marry someone else. Or things end badly with other man/men and comes back to me.

 

More likely is a third result - the relationship with the OM ends poorly but she divorces you anyway.

[badbrit]

TIY - As I recall you tried to save your marriage as well and had a couple of sit down conversations of straight talk... fortunately for you your conflict only lasted a couple of months...

 

Your wife was conflicted - you were able to cut her off and she came running back.

 

Unfortunately, my wife is too far gone. If I cut her off she's gone forever.

 

I think I have to reel her in first.

 

One difference in my marriage is that I always had a hard time expressing myself - telling her that I love her. She was feeling unloved and unwanted ... If I continue that now... why would she ever want to come back.

 

I think she needs to know that I can express my love for her and that I do love her... because that is what she really wants.

 

The difficult part is to show her my love without being clingy or needy about it... That I do not need her in my life... but that it is a conscious decision that I want her in my life.

 

 

HERE WE GO AGAIN.

 

You did that and IT DID NOT WORK!!!

 

GOD you are the most stupid and stubborn man I have ever met. For your wifes sake, I hope she stays well away from such a weird control freak. Oh and before you type that I not know you and how dare I say that.

 

I have read a millions words of your inner mind and feelings and you are a total stubborn, blinkered control freak

[n9688m]

So she got fed up and wanted to be happier than you were making her and left and you know lay all this guilt trip rubbish on and think it matters

 

Didn't his wife have a moral obligation to seek counseling before complicating things with an OM? All marriages have issues - the question is whether people run from them or work through them.

[badbrit]

Uhm, hmm, lets think. Perhaps he was such a total nightmare to live with that it killed all her feelings and with no feelings there is nothing to fix.

 

Screw moral obligation. You are saying that because you were dumped and still have feelings. If you were the one that had killed feelings you would know how stupid that sounds.

[n9688m]

If you were the one that had killed feelings you would know how stupid that sounds.

 

Feelings don't die instantaneously one day. When the change in feelings occurred - surely by the time an EA began - she should have suggested counseling.

[SingleDad]

Dude we have been here through 40 pages of this thread, do you think we are all wrong and you are right? That you are wiser and smarter than the whole collective of this thread? You are seriously emotionally damaged here.

 

You say she is seeing things warped or screwed up etc but it is YOU doing that.

 

She left you and I can totally see why because you are a stubborn man. You think because you gave a marriage vow that is your role over? You go to work and said "I DO! and screw the rest. She did not leave because things were good or she was happy did she?

 

So she got fed up and wanted to be happier than you were making her and left and you know lay all this guilt trip rubbish on and think it matters and cannot see that actually you can say what a nice and great man you are all day, your tone, stubboness, your inability to see from another view, inability to respect your wife and what she says and how you twist things (example - she never said she did not love me - as if that means your situation is different) shows you are not a good husband because you are stubborn, blinkered, weak, and only see things from your perspective that saying "i do" is all it takes

 

You foolish man

 

I do not think anyone is wrong or right - I think each person should do what they think is right and what their heart tells them to do.

 

I come to this forum and vent and hear other people - but I am not going to blindly follow all of the advice people tell me to do.

 

I do a lot of things I have been adviced on this forum - I am moving on in my life, but I am also in parallel doing things

 

For the most part - most people are venting about how their marriages did not work out and advice just to move on in their lives - don't take the hurt and anguish of trying to save the marriage - its not worth the pain and it never works out anyway.

 

Save your self and move on.

 

Nothing can change the way your wife thinks and nothing can bring her back so don't try.

 

 

Well sorry - I just do not work that way.

 

Yes I am stubborn. Yes I did things in my marriage that had my wife leave me - mostly not being able to express my love for her - I am trying to show her that is not me anymore... being silent and distant and indifferent to her affair is not going to give her a feeling that I love her... It would re-affirm to her that I do not care about her.

 

My wife is very stubborn as well - maybe that is why we are right for each other.

 

I guess I am being foolish, maybe I'll never learn

 

But I also do not give up when things get hard.

 

This is my life... this is personal to me... I have the right to try anything even if that makes me go through more anguish if it fails...

 

I am not going to avoid being hurt or throw in the towel because things are not working.

 

There is a time to follow my heart and there is a time to "go dark" and a time to "get a life".

[SingleDad]

Didn't his wife have a moral obligation to seek counseling before complicating things with an OM? All marriages have issues - the question is whether people run from them or work through them.

 

One problem during the marriage is that I hid from the problems or didn't believe they were that bad - I was stubborn on not doing anything to change myself and in not doing anything to help my W be happy.

 

Yes I am being stubborn again - but this time stubborn in wanting to work through them and not hiding or running fromo them as I did before.

 

I think that is a 180 from what my wife was used to.

 

I just wish I had done the 180 before when I could have turned things around.

 

Doing it now - just makes me look desperate. Yet doing nothing makes me look like I just do not care.

 

So I express my self to my W when the opportunity arises... then back off and live my own separate independent life...

[badbrit]

I will let u into one piece of information you need to realise.

 

She did not leave you for the reason you think she did. If she did, you showing your feelings would have changed it.

 

That is something you need to realise.

 

God this is like talking to one of my children who refuses to listen

[SingleDad]

I am getting tired of defending my actions lead by my heart.

 

Maybe there is nothing I can do to win my wife back - But at least I can know in my heart that I tried my best to save my marriage instead of giving up and just walking away from the pain of it all.

 

I do understand that I need to protect myself and that the best course of action is to not focus on it but instead focus on rebuilding myself back up... to realize that I do not need my marriage to survive.

 

If she comes back... wonderful, if she doesn't then I know I'm made it on my own anyway.

 

I understand that... but rather than taking one road or the other, I am taking both roads.