Alcohol Detox- day one

[D-Lish]

Alcohol def intensified my depression and anxiety on many levels. I was diagnosed with both when I was 18. The anxiety has always been intensely present, while the depression comes and goes. I fell into a deep depression about a year and a half ago- and started drinking heavily during that period... which made my depression much worse.

 

Having anxiety also sucks the energy out of my body. I don't remember the last time I felt calm- it's never been something I have experienced, not even when I was young. Of course stress manifests on a physical level- so being so reved up all the time on top of the drinking has really affected my immune system. Drinking is intoxicating to me because after a couple drinks I develop a false sense semblence of a self esteem and confidence- but it's a fleeting feeling, an escape for a few hours before the self loathing over the drinking sets in once again.

 

The last thing I want to do is to give into this lifestyle again. The last year, and especially last 6 months have been incredibly crippling on both my mind and body.

 

One thing that is positive is that I have only had one night of drinking in a 6 days period- it's progress even though the desire is there. Especially since I have been drinking every single day.

 

Yep, bit of a struggle today- I feel the tug. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have isolated myself socially. I want to see my friends- but I just think I shouldn't until I make a little more progress.

[blind_otter]

Yep, bit of a struggle today- I feel the tug. I think a lot of that has to do with the fact that I have isolated myself socially. I want to see my friends- but I just think I shouldn't until I make a little more progress.

 

Are you sure you're not self-isolating because of depression? I think it's actually a good idea to hang out with friends, as long as they are supportive of your sobriety. It's good to distract yourself.

 

I have to add this - when I was sobering up, I would rent tons of movies, go to the library and get movies, I would watch documentaries, kids movies, good movies, bad movies, TV series - anything I could get my hands on. It was a continuation of the need to escape, in retrospect, but it really helped me transition to sobriety. They got to know me well at Blockbuster, put it that way. It may help to distract yourself for a coupla hours, just a thought.

[bootylicious]

Good luck D-Lish. This won't be an easy process but you have the whole of LS rooting for you.

[Lippy2]

Good luck to you DLish.... I am with you on this one. I never use to drink and now I find that I drink more than I probably should to ease my anxiety. Although I can go without it, I find that I want it.

 

You can do it. When I told my therapist that I thought I might be drinking to much and that I maybe I should stop, she merely said "That's for you to decide".. " "I am not one to judge you"... I really didn't know what to make of that one.

 

Keep posting and stay strong.

[D-Lish]

Are you sure you're not self-isolating because of depression? I think it's actually a good idea to hang out with friends, as long as they are supportive of your sobriety. It's good to distract yourself.

 

I have to add this - when I was sobering up, I would rent tons of movies, go to the library and get movies, I would watch documentaries, kids movies, good movies, bad movies, TV series - anything I could get my hands on. It was a continuation of the need to escape, in retrospect, but it really helped me transition to sobriety. They got to know me well at Blockbuster, put it that way. It may help to distract yourself for a coupla hours, just a thought.

 

I guess there are various methods of escape- some which are harmful and others which aren't as much.... I wish I was attracted to the not so harmful ones!!

 

Mmmm, I do think there is an element of depression that keeps me isolated. It def stems from the fact that I am a bit ashamed at having this secret. I'm the one on everyone's speed dial in a time of crisis, the rational one, the one that provides support and strength and solid advice to others. I guess I feel like outing my addiction will result in me losing my credibility amongst my friends. That bothers me a bit.

 

I've always been one to tackle things on my own- I should probably be looking for reciprocal support from my friends at a time like this, but I still kind of hide it.

 

To be truthful, I feel a lot of resentment towards the people I have been a rock for in the past. But the silly thing is, I feel the resentment even though I have never revealed I am anything but okay. I even blow off my bankruptcy, and very few ask about it because I minimize the impact it has had on me. It's the same with my marriage falling apart... I simply wave it off and tell everyone I am okay. That results in a lot of my friends telling me they envy me for being so strong, but no one knows I actually do suffer because I feel like revealing that would be a sign of weakness and vulnerability. I guess I am more concerned with my image than I should be. It's stupid, I know that.

 

It's very hard to ask for help.

 

I went for dinner with my neighbour this evening. I had one beer with dinner and then we came home. I have nothing in my house to tempt me- so I just had the one and that wore off hours ago. If there was alcohol in my house, I'd be into it!

[Gala]

D-Lish -

 

Your depiction reminds me a lot of myself. In fact, I wonder if one of the reasons I've not allowed my drinking to escalate was that it just didn't conform to the rational, controlled, persona in which I put so much stock.

 

The anger and resentment of many years take a while to address. It is good that you're aware of these...

 

Keep in mind that our feelings toward others can be projections of feelings toward ourselves.

[Jilly Bean]

D - how goes it today?

[Lizzie60]

Well, after revealing in another post that I have become rather dependant on alcohol as an escape from my anxiety and depression, I have decided to post that I am starting a detox today.

 

I have written a bit before about my drinking, but this time I am ready to actually do something about it.

 

I will either go out with friends or stay in and consume anywhere between 6-15 beers a night. This has just gotten progressively worse. I have built up a tolerance that sometimes even 15 beers doesn't get me hammered.

 

I've done a lot of stupid things and put myself in risky situations with my drinking. Today, I would like that to stop and begin a way of life that involves a healthier, happier me.

 

I've always denied my problem because I am healthy in other ways- I go to the gym and eat well... but even this has begum to diminish. Sometimes I won't eat for a couple of days because I want to save the calories for the alcohol.

 

So today, I got up, had breakfast, a small lunch... and will have a small dinner.

 

I didn't go to the beerstore today- and I keep watching the clock knowing it closes in a few hours. I am not going to go though. Tonight will mark the first night that I haven't had a drink in about 3 months.

 

Wish me luck.

 

Good luck!!!! You can do it!

 

Imagine what alcohol does for your skin... your health in general.

 

You'll look 20 years older if you don't stop it now..

 

See it's been 3 months and you're doing great.. keep up the good work...

[D-Lish]

D - how goes it today?

 

It goes Ok Jb...

I'm not drinking... but so filled with anxiety.

 

I did have dinner with my parents tonight and totally let them in on the extent of my problem. They subsequently minimized it. "You're the strong one"..."Everything will come together for you".

 

I dunno JB, I am not good at presenting the problem. I've never been the girl with problems. I have always been the girl that everyone thinks is so strong. Probably because I ALWAYS tell people I am cool.

 

I really don't know how to go about making my friends and family see how incredibly serious this has become.

 

Saying- Hey.... "I have an issue, I have a problem....it's serious".

Well, no one seems to be taking me seriously. I'm sorry to say, not even my parents.

 

I don't know, it's weird if I described to you guys who I am.... No one would know I have this stupid secret. I am everyone's rock that has been falling apart behind closed doors.

 

It's just strange- to be doing this by myself. I never tell anyone- anything.

[Jilly Bean]

I know what you mean, D. You are always so strong and together, so no one expects you to ever fall apart. Moreso, THEY can't handle it if you do...

 

I'm sorry that your folks minimized it. And also that you feel your friends won't legitimize it. It's almost like you need to schedule an intervention for THEM! wtf?

 

But you have to have ONE friend that will listen and validate it, correct? Or else all the others are party buddies who don't need you waving the alcoholic flag, as then it means they need to examine their OWN lives.

 

You were going to see your doc this week about treatment options. Did that happen?

[Gala]

D-Lish -

 

It must have been so frustrating for you to get that response from your parents. Did you tell them the quantities that were involved?

 

One observation about human understanding that has taken me a long time to get -- people don't necessarily absorb information right when it comes, especially when it contradicts or changes their understandings. I've even noticed it in myself. Your parents' feedback might even not seem to differ from what it's been in the past...but I'd be surprised if something didn't sink in a little bit.

 

I sometimes say that the human capacity for denial is infinite. How much of that your parents do, I couldn't say. But maybe there's something to be learned about the way you've minimized your problems in the past.

 

Keep sending the message...PR people call this "the drumbeat."

 

Take care.

[sunshinegirl]

Hi D-Lish,

 

I've been following this thread but haven't posted yet. I'm really impressed with your resolve and your honesty.

 

I would encourage you to KEEP REACHING OUT to friends and your parents. It does suck that they have minimized the problem. But please don't take their "not ideal" response as a reason to shut down and keep trying to deal with this on your own. And the same goes for friends. Sometimes it takes a lot of repetition for something to sink in...and, if your longstanding pattern is to be the strong one, it's going to take some time for those in your life to understand that for once, you are the one needing support. If you can, try to be patient with them. After all, your contribution to things is that you haven't historically reached out for help and you may have minimized your previous problems - bankruptcy, divorce. So... IMO it's a little bit unrealistic to expect them to (a) understand the seriousness of your situation now or (b) know how to really help.

 

So, I really encourage you to continue reaching out. My ex-boyfriend bottled everything up - didn't ask for help, pretended everything was fine, that his divorce didn't shake him to the core for example. It broke my heart that he wouldn't LET me in, wouldn't LET me be there for him. Consider that there may be people in your life who will *want* to be there for you once they understand what you are facing and what kind of support you want. Allowing yourself to be vulnerable and rely on others could well pay off in other ways than only helping you overcome the alcohol dependency.

 

Best wishes...

[2sunny]

good post ssg!

[littlekitty]

D-Lish I wanted to say well done on how well you are doing.

 

This is something I've been struggling with for years. It's gotten to a point where after hearing Art and BO talk about alcohol, and being an alcoholic, as much as I'd perfer to label myself as a 'problem drinker' it's more honest to admit I'm an alcoholic.

 

But I'm still in denial. I function. I'm currently working on reducing my intake as I realise it had got out of hand - again. 1 or 3 bottles of wine everynight is not normal.

 

This week I've managed to stop at 1-2 glasses a night. I haven't got p*ssed, but I'm still 'using'.

 

Perhaps one day I'll be strong enough to admit I need to stop - full stop. But I'm not there yet.

 

Ehhh I'm all welling up now and work that's not a good thing.

 

Stay strong lady.

 

ETA - I can't believe I just said it. I admitted it. To someone more than myself and hubby.

[2sunny]

D-Lish I wanted to say well done on how well you are doing.

 

This is something I've been struggling with for years. It's gotten to a point where after hearing Art and BO talk about alcohol, and being an alcoholic, as much as I'd perfer to label myself as a 'problem drinker' it's more honest to admit I'm an alcoholic.

 

But I'm still in denial. I function. I'm currently working on reducing my intake as I realise it had got out of hand - again. 1 or 3 bottles of wine everynight is not normal.

 

This week I've managed to stop at 1-2 glasses a night. I haven't got p*ssed, but I'm still 'using'.

 

Perhaps one day I'll be strong enough to admit I need to stop - full stop. But I'm not there yet.

 

Ehhh I'm all welling up now and work that's not a good thing.

 

Stay strong lady.

 

ETA - I can't believe I just said it. I admitted it. To someone more than myself and hubby.

 

LK-

 

NICE! you go girl! admitting is part of the first step... you are on your way... for me that was so hard to do but after i finally knew i wanted to do something about it and make a change - THAT was FREEDOM!

 

asking for help was also very difficult - but has saved my life on several occasions.

 

xo 2sunny

[sb129]

D-Lish, I just wanted to comment on how you said that you weren't fully comfortable telling some of your friends because you were worried that they perceive you as "the strong one".

 

I was that person, and I know exactly what you mean- my problem wasn't booze, it was depression that I hid for a long long time behind a facade of "confidence", partying and sleeping around.

When I finally hit rock bottom it took a while to be able to admit it to my friends, but I am so glad I did.

 

They didn't (as I had feared they might) look down on me- they were relieved, as a few had suspected something might be up.

And if anything, it strengthened my close friendships- I suspect that admitting I was actually human and flawed helped break down any barriers I may have inadvertently put up with my charade of always being OK.

 

I hope you find courage to seek support from friends- the true ones will be there for you no matter what, and its often useful to know who the true ones are!

[CHANTRESS]

Hi Dlish.I hope you can get thru this.I started drinking too to help me deal with an affair I am in and trying to get out of. The affair has made me so insecure and a

total mess. I am attempting to end th affair and get myself sorted. I know I need to

lay off the sauce, but it isn't easy. Wine has become a close companion the last

few months. I feel pathetic and lost. I wish you well on your journey to sobriety.

[Crestfallen_KH]

Hi, D -

 

I've been following this post as well, and decided to pop in and say congratulations on this decision and your progress! It's been a few days, so pop back in and let us know how you're doing.

[Jilly Bean]

How did you fare this weekend, D?

[backto1]

D, I've read your posts but haven't read a whole lot of the replies so I apologize if this has already been said.

 

After you get a better handle on the situation, try ordering water or pop when you go out with your friends. After you get past the chemical dependency, having a non alcoholic drink in your hand at the club helps with the habit part of it. You probably don't want to put yourself in the situation for a while though. But when it gets better, give it a try.

 

I've been ordering water at the bars a lot lately and had just as much fun as I did any other time. For the last 6 years I couldn't imagine being able to have a fun weekend without getting smashed. It really blew my mind that people could have fun weekends without drinking. I thought I'd never be able to date a non-drinker because we would have nothing to talk about. Or I would see people out jogging at 10AM on a Sunday morning and think "wtf, shouldn't they be hung over like me?"

[2sunny]

how are things going DL?

 

just thinking about you the past few days.

[whichwayisup]

Why not tell your friends, casual aquaintances, co-workers that you're no longer drinking? This way they won't flaunt it around you or maybe they'll not drink around you. I'm sure it's not the end of the world for a bunch of people to go out, have a fun evening without drinking.

[whichwayisup]

I know how hard it is to reach out and ask for help. Especially when it comes to anxiety and all that other stuff it brings.. Don't live inside your head, don't let what others think bug you because at the end of the day, what truly matters is what you think and feel. Hope that makes sense to you.

 

Mmmm, I do think there is an element of depression that keeps me isolated. It def stems from the fact that I am a bit ashamed at having this secret.

 

I used to feel this way as well, about my anxiety, then one day I realized how much I was suffering and trying to make it seem that I was OK, when infact I wasn't. Once I started telling my friends, my family about the anxiety and panic attacks, I was SHOCKED on how understanding they were and most of all, how they knew something wasn't right but they couldn't figure out what was up with me. It felt like a ton of bricks being lifted off my shoulders..

 

Start slow and just tell afew of your closest friends about what's been going on inside of you.

[BIGGEST LOSER EVER]

D-lish, just wanted to say well done!

 

i'm just passed the 400day mark after a three and a half year drinking problem. Its tough going through this type of thing, i'm still weary of telling people about my drinking problem, i got pasted with the "drinker" tag for years and in an imature way i suppose i wanted people to see me after a few months or a year when i got my life back together and have everyone gasp at my brilliance (never quite works out that way though ;-))

 

I think the thing you need to do and i'm sad to say this-is go to AA or NA, people there are REALLY supportive-i went about a week into going sober, down, depressed and full of self loathing. and i got a hug from everyone in that meeting, i always thought it was strange but a hug from a total stranger going through the same thing as you is every bit as good as a hug from a close friend. Personally I only ended up going to two meetings because it wasn't for me-i prefer getting it out through writting, but they'll give you all the support you'll ever need PLUS you can keep your image as the strong-cool one in your circle of friends and family. What you have to realize is that they (friends and family) won't know what your going through-so their advice will be limited-the people at AA/NA know exactly what your going through, depression, self loathing, anxiety, sobriety highs etc......and they can help you through it!

 

Don't isolate yourself from your friends though, I suggest that you take the plunge and go out with your friends but have soder water (i prefer it with lime personally) and try to drink it in line with what your friends are consuming in alcohol......whatever you do-don't become a recluse-its a sure fire way of getting back into the booze!

 

well done again!

[ohmy3]

i wish u the best! an will be watching ur updates and all the others that post as well..........