Hi I'm new, my MM has proposal for divorce or alternative.

[quankanne]

I'm with Jack on the thought that he's not soul-searching, just begging for more time to waffle. Knowing that because you love him, you'll let him have it, and on his terms.

 

What am I supposed to say, "I don't believe that you are really getting divorced?"

 

it's a good start. Then follow it up with, "I'm tired of this, it's over, don't bother contacting me. If you do, I'll be more than happy to let your wife know that even though the affair has ended, you're pursuing me." Because I'd bet the farm that she doesn't even know he's screwing around on her and a phone call from you would grant her that information.

 

But you said that if does love me, he would leave. I'm just trying to understand. He is very attached to his house. But doesn't he see that we could have our own house together? H

 

if you are what he truly wants, then no matter how attached he is to his house or other trappings, he wouldn't hesitate to walk because he understands he has an opportunity to rebuild a life with you, an even bigger, better one because he's getting to be with the person he loves.

 

again, I think you're a victim of smoke being blown up your skirt, and that in your trusting naiveté, he's quite content to say whatever it takes to convince you AND HIS WIFE that he wants a life with you. In other words, you gals are sharing a cake-eater.

 

tell him that the only way you'll consider sticking around is if he files the paperwork BEFORE he leaves, and that you expect to see certified copies of the court paperwork of him having done so. He's expecting YOU to accept what he says on face value; you've more than EARNED the right to make certain demands to see if he's actually being honest about wanting to be with you.

 

however, we can only suggest what to do – ultimately, you're going to have to be the tough one sticking to her guns and following through on what you tell him, be it no contact or ultimatums.

[26point2]

 

And nothing will change...unless something or someone FORCES a change.

 

Well I went NC with him and that's when he told me he'd either file for divorce or never contact me again. Don't you think that's a change?

[Owl]

Well I went NC with him and that's when he told me he'd either file for divorce or never contact me again. Don't you think that's a change?

 

Nope, not at all.

 

As a result of that, did he no longer contact you, or did he file for divorce? Which of those ACTIONS has he implemented?

 

Its just more WORDS. Did you see a change in ACTIONS???

[quankanne]

Well I went NC with him and that's when he told me he'd either file for divorce or never contact me again. Don't you think that's a change?

 

not really. Because he expected you to break the NC you enforced, and you did. A lot of the problem is that YOU are refusing to shxt or get off the pot when it comes to laying down the rules. And he knows this, and uses it to his advantage.

 

what will it take to make you open your eyes that nothing, but nothing about this relationship will change unless you take a firm stand on what you want – holding to the consequences as stated? Until you do, he will keep telling you whatever it is you want to hear so that he can keep getting what he wants from you.

[noforgiveness]

Hmmm. I see your point, this could be. But from the start he's said they were getting divorced. He said their marriage has been over for a long time. So why would he need me waiting in the wings? This is so confusing! I feel like that's so much responsibility on me. I mean, I love him, but that makes me feel like I'm his security blanket, not his true partner. And I feel like the fate of his wife and their marriage rests in my hands. Is this the price I have to pay for love?

 

Why is he waiting for HER to file? Why doesn't he just file?Oh and the first LOGICAL step is separation. He is a LONG way from divorce if he isn't even separated yet.

[Mino]

Hi, I think its a stall... He is going on a vacation with his wife? Why would he do that? He is telling you what you want to hear. Going on a vacation with his w does not look like he is working on towards leaving her. my op

[noforgiveness]

Hi, I think its a stall... He is going on a vacation with his wife? Why would he do that? He is telling you what you want to hear. Going on a vacation with his w does not look like he is working on towards leaving her. my op

She says it's with the guys. Personally if he loved her not the wife and could sneak off for a guys trip he would spend a few days of it with her. I think he's lying and I think he is going with his wife and wants to see how a vacation with his wife goes.

[twice_shy]

Hmmm. I see your point, this could be. But from the start he's said they were getting divorced. He said their marriage has been over for a long time. So why would he need me waiting in the wings? This is so confusing! I feel like that's so much responsibility on me. I mean, I love him, but that makes me feel like I'm his security blanket, not his true partner. And I feel like the fate of his wife and their marriage rests in my hands. Is this the price I have to pay for love?

 

No, its the price you pay for hooking up with a MM who is a lying, cheating scumbag. What a prize!!

 

Actually the price you will pay will come when the 7 year itch sets in with you and him after his divorce in about 2 or 3 years and he screws around on you too.

[26point2]

Hi, I think its a stall... He is going on a vacation with his wife? Why would he do that? He is telling you what you want to hear. Going on a vacation with his w does not look like he is working on towards leaving her. my op

 

No, he's not going on vacation with his wife. They never go anywhere together. He is with me most of the time. He is going on a trip with his buddies. It is for training. It is not vacation and not with his wife.

[26point2]

She says it's with the guys. Personally if he loved her not the wife and could sneak off for a guys trip he would spend a few days of it with her. I think he's lying and I think he is going with his wife and wants to see how a vacation with his wife goes.

 

Gee how this story gets spun!! Okay I don't know much but I know for SURE that he is not going on this trip with his wife, I know his wife and she will be in town. We DO go on vacations and spend days together. He is living partly separated from his wife. His wife is usually in another city where her family lives and where she does her own things with her own friends. He is usually with me or he is training, alone or with his friends.

 

Anyway the one thing I know for sure is that they do NOT go on trips or do things together. They have completely separate lives. My MM is a completitive athlete, he goes on acclimation training trips with his friends who are also athletes. His wife is not a competitive athlete, she stays here at their house and when he is here at their house, she is in the other city doing her own thing. I am not a competitive athlete, I stay here although he did invite me. He always invites me but there is not much for me to do there as I do not feel like running up and down several mountains and I can't run as fast as him ha ha. We do both run though which is one of the many things we have in common. His wife does not run at all.

 

So if you are going to accuse him of lying, this isn't the thing to do it on sorry.

[26point2]

No, its the price you pay for hooking up with a MM who is a lying, cheating scumbag. What a prize!!

Fair enough. He hasn't been honest with his wife thus far. And he has been telling me one thing and not doing it for a year.

 

Actually the price you will pay will come when the 7 year itch sets in with you and him after his divorce in about 2 or 3 years and he screws around on you too.

 

I see how you can think this but the one thing I know is that he loves me.

[26point2]

Why is he waiting for HER to file? Why doesn't he just file?Oh and the first LOGICAL step is separation. He is a LONG way from divorce if he isn't even separated yet.

 

He wants things to go smoothly. He wants them to file mutually. And they are pretty much separated, I am with him most nights. They have been ever since I met him.

 

But I think not being totally separated/ divorced it's a convenience thing. When he goes out of town, sometimes for long amounts of time because he competes, she watches the house and their animals. When she goes out of town, sometimes for long amounts of time because she has family elsewhere and owns property elsewhere and is involved with her own stuff, he watches the house and their animals. So I think it is a marriage based on convenience.

[26point2]

Nope, not at all.

 

As a result of that, did he no longer contact you, or did he file for divorce? Which of those ACTIONS has he implemented?

 

Its just more WORDS. Did you see a change in ACTIONS???

 

No. You've got me there. But why would he say he will never contact me again if he doesn't follow through? That must mean he's serious.

[26point2]

what will it take to make you open your eyes that nothing, but nothing about this relationship will change unless you take a firm stand on what you want – holding to the consequences as stated?

 

I don't know, I guess being here in this forum. I sure am getting some eye-opening truths.

 

You're right, I haven't been firm. I've been weak.

[KnownTruth]

Like most MM, he doesn't want to leave his M unless he's SURE he has someone else.......don't know why it's that way, but it's a common theme here - MM rarely leave their Ms without someone else waiting in the wings.......

 

Hiya. I'm new and happy to have found this forum. I've been with my MM on and off for a year and a half. He's told me from the beginning that he and his wife are divorcing, but it hasn't happened yet. I broke it off with him several times because of that. Each time he's said it's close and please don't go. I didn't do it to be selfish, I just love him and can't bear not having him to myself. It drives me crazy wondering when he's going to get divorced.

 

I love him and I know he loves me. I know he's getting divorced, I think he's just taking his sweet time about it and trying not to rock the boat. I tried to do something different this time. On this forum I've been browsing and reading about "NC" but I didn't know what that was until I came here. So a few days ago I told we couldn't have any more contact while he's still married, because it's too hard on me. I explained to him that this is not about being upset with him for staying married too long, that's his decision to make and I just can't be a part of it. (I've been listening to some of your advice without asking any questions myself. So I should say thank you. )

 

While I've broken it off before, I always end up giving in after SOME amount of time and talking to him. It's so hard not to, I love him so much. But this is killing me. So this time something really does have to change. I don't want to wait around and around and around... so that's why I went NC with him.

 

It obviously didn't last long though, sorry to say. It was really hard on him and I couldn't bear it. I hate to hurt him. Last night he told me he's going away on a trip this weekend for a week and a half. He said his wife said she wants to file for divorce when they get back. Well, he's said similar things like that before and so far it hasn't happened. But he said he understands that I need some certainty, so he has a proposal for when he gets back. He said they will file and if they don't-- if she has a reason to stall like she's had in the past, according to him-- then he will tell her he's in love with me and we will be together, which will make her realize there's no reason to stall anymore, he is certain he wants divorce and he wants to be with me. He said that if they don't file, and he doesn't tell her about me, then he will never contact me any more for good, because he knows it isn't fair for me.

 

He told me to think about it and let him know before he leaves for his trip. I'm not sure what there is for me to think about. This decision is on him, right? I'm just glad he's decided to poop or get off the pot. Sorry to be blunt but that's how I feel. It's what I've been telling him I need: either divorce and be with me completely, or don't be with me at all! I haven't tried to sound demanding about it but I just can't go on like this and I've been trying to tell him that. He said he understands, so this is his proposal, but he said it takes the decision of both of us, that there are two people involved in our relationship, not just him. Maybe he is asking me for some kind of permission to tell his wife about me?

 

I'm going to tell him of course I am okay with this proposal and I agree. It is what I have wanted and what I need. I will be so anxious in between the time he leaves and the time he gets back and they file or don't file or whatever. I'm so excited to be with him if this works out. But honestly I'm just relieved that it's coming to a head one way or another. Because if it doesn't work out he has promised to leave me alone and that is what I need: sweet peace! I love him but this relationship has been more drama than I signed up for and I need resolution on this.

 

In the meantime I thought I'd sign up and come chat with you all, because I'm going crazy waiting! So I just wanted to introduce myself and give my story. There you have it, as of now. Is his proposal that weird or does it make sense to you all?

 

 

I think it makes sense. I think he needs to finally make a decision and he realized that. Just stay firm if he decides to stay with his wife. Unfortunately MM say they will leave their wife , but when it comes time to do it they don't. I was in a similar situation as yours. I got tired of him still being with his wife and sleeping with her "just to keep her from noticing that anything is wrong". I got tired of the lies and deception. I thought I could not live with out him. But it turns out I can and I have. I broke up the relationship with him. We are still friends. We do not see each other or talk on the phone. We maybe exchange a email once every three months. It was the best decision I ever made and I got my self respect back. I know this is a hard place for you to be in. If he does leave his wife I wish you two the best and if he doesn't your life will go on even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

[26point2]

I think it makes sense. I think he needs to finally make a decision and he realized that. Just stay firm if he decides to stay with his wife. Unfortunately MM say they will leave their wife , but when it comes time to do it they don't. I was in a similar situation as yours. I got tired of him still being with his wife and sleeping with her "just to keep her from noticing that anything is wrong". I got tired of the lies and deception. I thought I could not live with out him. But it turns out I can and I have. I broke up the relationship with him. We are still friends. We do not see each other or talk on the phone. We maybe exchange a email once every three months. It was the best decision I ever made and I got my self respect back. I know this is a hard place for you to be in. If he does leave his wife I wish you two the best and if he doesn't your life will go on even if it doesn't feel like it at the time.

 

Thank you for the good advice. Did your MM say he was leaving his wife but then never did? Or did he never tell you he was leaving?

 

I guess what I want is an impossible situation, so far. I want him to get divorced because it's what he was going to do anyway. (Just like he's been telling me all this time). And then I want us to be together. But it seems like he can't leave her even though he says he wants to, OR that he can only leave her if he uses me as a transitioning point, to make sure I'm there for him and to help him through it. I don't know if I'm up for that. This whole time it's been "I know I'm getting divorced with or without you." To have it sound more like "I may finally be able to get divorced if I'm sure you're there to help me do it" is a big change and I'm just trying to get used to that. But I agree with you that it seems to me that he is at least making some kind of decision and realizing that the end to Cake-Eating Time is near...

[2sunny]

he hasn't made a decision and taken action on any of it because he is comfortable with the way it is...

 

he most likely will only change any of it when it becomes so uncomfortable that he HAS to make a change.

 

there really is no reason for him to wait to decide until after he gets back. have him tell you his decision today. he certainly must know by now that he needs to either $hit or get off the pot. soooooo, force him to give you a decision and tell either you or the wifeypoo to get lost.

 

simple- done- then you no longer need to wait around wondering like you have for a year. either it's on or it's off... no more in between stuff.

[26point2]

he hasn't made a decision and taken action on any of it because he is comfortable with the way it is...

 

he most likely will only change any of it when it becomes so uncomfortable that he HAS to make a change.

 

there really is no reason for him to wait to decide until after he gets back. have him tell you his decision today. he certainly must know by now that he needs to either $hit or get off the pot. soooooo, force him to give you a decision and tell either you or the wifeypoo to get lost.

 

simple- done- then you no longer need to wait around wondering like you have for a year. either it's on or it's off... no more in between stuff.

 

He says his decision is to file for divorce when he gets back from his trip. Well actually he said his wife said she wants to file then. And if she changes her mind then his decision is to tell her so that she will realize why the divorce is so necessary.

[2sunny]

He says his decision is to file for divorce when he gets back from his trip. Well actually he said his wife said she wants to file then. And if she changes her mind then his decision is to tell her so that she will realize why the divorce is so necessary.

 

see - he's leaving it to her????? WTF???

 

my god girl, he's never intended to do this and i'm sure she doesn't either. i'm sure she has no clue about him and his so called unhappiness that he tells you about. i'm also sure she doesn't know that "he's in love" with someone besides her.

 

no wonder he never tells you much and doesn't take action like he says he wanted to.... he is still busy keeping up his little charade for all of you to carry on as usual - so that he can benefit from it all.

 

you have no REAL idea how his life is with her... it may be just perfectly grand (with that pesky little gal hanging around on the perimeter).

 

here's an idea i never usually recommend - why don't you just ask her? since he is expecting her to file anyway it really shouldn't be a big deal to inquire with her...

 

tell him you're gonna ask her about it tomorrow if he doesn't tell her tonight. why wait? just to wait some more...

[Mino]

see - he's leaving it to her????? WTF???

 

my god girl, he's never intended to do this and i'm sure she doesn't either. i'm sure she has no clue about him and his so called unhappiness that he tells you about. i'm also sure she doesn't know that "he's in love" with someone besides her.

 

no wonder he never tells you much and doesn't take action like he says he wanted to.... he is still busy keeping up his little charade for all of you to carry on as usual - so that he can benefit from it all.

 

you have no REAL idea how his life is with her... it may be just perfectly grand (with that pesky little gal hanging around on the perimeter).

 

here's an idea i never usually recommend - why don't you just ask her? since he is expecting her to file anyway it really shouldn't be a big deal to inquire with her...

 

tell him you're gonna ask her about it tomorrow if he doesn't tell her tonight. why wait? just to wait some more...

Thats actually a great idea... Tell him since she already know and wants the d that you just want to confirm, Honey you dont mind do you? See how he reacts.... that should give you all the insight you need. if he is defensive, you know he is lying to you... Great test...

[bentnotbroken]

Fair enough. He hasn't been honest with his wife thus far. And he has been telling me one thing and not doing it for a year.

 

 

 

I see how you can think this but the one thing I know is that he loves me.

 

 

And exactly how do you know that, because he says he does? Interesting coming from a man who is lyng to his W.

[Lizzie60]

I should say my assumptions:

 

I know he's getting divorced, I think he's just taking his sweet time about it and trying not to rock the boat.

 

Maybe he is.. maybe he's just stringing you along.. He's been promising you the D for over 18 months.. humm...

 

So a few days ago I told we couldn't have any more contact while he's still married, because it's too hard on me.

 

A few days ago.. huh???

 

So this time something really does have to change. I don't want to wait around and around and around... so that's why I went NC with him.

 

It obviously didn't last long though, sorry to say.

 

It won't last because you're not strong enough to cut all strings... period.

 

It was really hard on him and I couldn't bear it. I hate to hurt him.

 

It's harder on you.. not him.. he's got his buddies, his wife, his life, his family... from what I read you ONLY have HIM...

 

He said his wife said she wants to file for divorce when they get back. Well, he's said similar things like that before and so far it hasn't happened.

 

and it won't happen ...

 

then he will never contact me any more for good, because he knows it isn't fair for me.

 

WOW.. do you seriously think I believe this.. and that you won't crawl back begging him to come back..

 

He told me to think about it and let him know before he leaves for his trip.

 

What a jerk.. this guy is spineless.. why can't he take the decision if he wants so much to be with you... geeezzz... open your eyes girl... he's playing you.. there is no divorce... What's in it for YOU to think about.. what a loser!

 

I haven't tried to sound demanding about it but I just can't go on like this and I've been trying to tell him that.

 

No???? well.. you haven't tried hard enough..

 

Maybe he is asking me for some kind of permission to tell his wife about me?

 

No he's just buying some time... you need to wake up and smell the java my dear..

 

But honestly I'm just relieved that it's coming to a head one way or another.

 

Don't jump too high.. he's still with her... he hasn't come to any decisions yet..

 

Because if it doesn't work out he has promised to leave me alone and that is what I need: sweet peace!

 

I don't believe one word in that sentence.. 'Sweet peace'.. yeah right.. you won't stand the 'sweet peace' I swear..

 

He might tell you stories, like I will leave you alone...blablabla.. knowing very well.. that you won't stand to be alone.. he knows that.. trust me, he knows how to manipulate you...

 

The independant one is the one who get the other one on their knees... begging for more...

[norajane]

He says his decision is to file for divorce when he gets back from his trip. Well actually he said his wife said she wants to file then. And if she changes her mind then his decision is to tell her so that she will realize why the divorce is so necessary.

 

So if she doesn't want to file, then he will tell her he has been seeing you and then what? He is going to wait for her to agree to file? If they spend no time together as it is, then why does she need to "realize why the divorce is so necessary?" If they never see each other, maybe she won't care that he has a girlfriend. Maybe she won't file because she enjoys her lifestyle never seeing him and won't ever 'realize why the divorce is so necessary."

 

Why do none of the option he has presented include HIM filing for divorce regardless of what his wife wants?

 

Has he ever told you what her reasons are for not wanting to file all this time that he's wanted a divorce?

[bentnotbroken]

So if she doesn't want to file, then he will tell her he has been seeing you and then what? He is going to wait for her to agree to file? If they spend no time together as it is, then why does she need to "realize why the divorce is so necessary?" If they never see each other, maybe she won't care that he has a girlfriend. Maybe she won't file because she enjoys her lifestyle never seeing him and won't ever 'realize why the divorce is so necessary."

 

Why do none of the option he has presented include HIM filing for divorce regardless of what his wife wants?

 

Has he ever told you what her reasons are for not wanting to file all this time that he's wanted a divorce?

 

 

 

 

Really, what man without kids needs approval from his wife to leave her? Just file and move on, if that's what he wants.

[twice_shy]

I see how you can think this but the one thing I know is that he loves me.

 

Cheaters can think that they love you in the beginning until the novelty wears off.