Here's a Doozie for ya...

[neverendingsaga]

I am not here to make her feel less for whatever her choice...

 

 

neither am i. i didnt make her feel less. i just said *im* kicking myself, not that she should be. i dont understand you GEL. its like if someone says something you dont agree w/ you or that doesnt fit in w/ how your situation worked out then you have to try to make them feel bad or spin it so that they arent trying to support her. ive always supported kelly & i dont feel bad for telling her that my honest opinion is she deserves better then this guy but i understand that right now she wants to stay w/ him. so whatever, just b/c you dont agree w/ me doesnt mean you should make it sound like im making her feel less just for giving her my honest opinion. im just trying to help her & she can take my opinion & your opinion for what there both worth, which is not much compared to hers!

 

ANYWAY kelly im glad your doing well, thx for the update.

[OWoman]

I made a list of what I need to feel whole, secure, happy, content. Then I wrote down people's names that I know who seem like they fulfill that in me, or can if I let them. Because MM has a whole other life, he isn't available to fulfill a lot of my needs, which sucks, but instead of carrying around this resentment towards him, and ME feeling miserable about it all the time, I decided to accept it. Not saying that his actions are acceptable to me, but I need to feel better, especially if I ever want to get out of this situation. On my list, the only things that MM comes in good for is FUN (going out, or golfing, hanging out talking, laughing) and SEX. So, I decided that's just what I'm going to use him for. Not that I'm trying to use him.

 

I hope your own name popped up a lot on your list?

 

Kelly it sounds like you're in a strong place right now - that's so cool. Enjoy - you need to do what works for you, from where you're at, and it sounds like you're doing great!

[pelicanpreacher]

Here I am..."Johnny Come Lately"!

 

 

I have seen him a couple of times since Sunday. I'm not ready to leave him.

Things are different though. I'm different. I'm not banging down his door to see me, to figure things out, actually, I haven't even talked about it. We both know the score. Also, I haven't been so available to see him either. He asked me to golfing this Sunday. I told him I have other plans, and I do. He laid on my bed to take a nap yesterday, and I just stood there and let him know that he had to leave, because I had things to do. (usually I would have laid down with him, scratched his back, made out) I haven't been mean to him, just non-shalantly showing him that I have a life, and it's not going to be centered around him anymore.

 

I quit smoking on Tuesday. 3 days ago. Yeah Me!! Started running this morning. So, I'm doing things to take better care of myself. I've even been going to bed by 10:30 ish, actually turning off the light and closing my eyes and going to sleep, instead of laying in bed w/ the light on till 1AM, reading break-up books and crying.

 

 

 

I made a list of what I need to feel whole, secure, happy, content. Then I wrote down people's names that I know who seem like they fulfill that in me, or can if I let them. Because MM has a whole other life, he isn't available to fulfill a lot of my needs, which sucks, but instead of carrying around this resentment towards him, and ME feeling miserable about it all the time, I decided to accept it. Not saying that his actions are acceptable to me, but I need to feel better, especially if I ever want to get out of this situation. On my list, the only things that MM comes in good for is FUN (going out, or golfing, hanging out talking, laughing) and SEX. So, I decided that's just what I'm going to use him for. Not that I'm trying to use him.

 

Maintaining a healthy emotional distance with a dose of self-indulgence and an interest in self-improvement will go a long way toward keeping you distracted from your woe and centered well enough so that, no matter what happens, you lessen the chances of getting hurt too badly if your situation goes south. So, hope for the best but prepare for the worst!

 

As for crying yourself to sleep envision this scenario...

 

Say I'm taking a long cruise on a luxury liner and, while out at sea in the middle of nowhere, the captain comes on the loudspeaker and announces "Emergency, the ship is sinking...all women and children to the life rafts first"! I will calmly don my wig, sunning hat, and moo-moo from the bottom of my carry-on, fill a slap-jack with a roll of nickels, and smooth right in line behind the women and children. At 6'2'' 261 lbs I may look like a "handsome woman" but I'll still be the first man to get a seat on a life boat (unless there are bunch of other men with the same idea...then its melee time) because the moment I booked my ticket I hoped for the best but prepared for the worst!

 

So, the next time you feel blue getting ready for bed think of the worst case "melee image" of a bunch of men in moo-moos fighting for a spot on a lifeboat. Even if you stub your pinky toe so bad you can hear your teeth grit and, while hopping on one foot, bonk your head on the corner of the cabinet so hard you knock yourself cold, it'll still be too hard to squeeze a tear when you finally come to because you just won't have the strength!

 

Try it!

 

(Come to think of it...I don't know which image is funnier!)

[kellykellykelly]

I hope your own name popped up a lot on your list?

 

Kelly it sounds like you're in a strong place right now - that's so cool. Enjoy - you need to do what works for you, from where you're at, and it sounds like you're doing great!

 

Yeah, my own name popped up, so did God's.

[GreenEyedLady]

its like if someone says something you dont agree w/ you or that doesnt fit in w/ how your situation worked out then you have to try to make them feel bad or spin it so that they arent trying to support her.

 

Pot, meet kettle...

 

I'm not trying to spin it...I'm simply offering my kind of support which includes the Original Poster deciding what is right for them.

[kellykellykelly]

I just went back and re-read this thread. It's amazing how different I feel about the whole situation now compared to how I felt just 2 weeks ago.

 

I've just been keeping myself busy. Detaching from him and his problems has helped so much. I've been going out with friends and family. It feels soooo good to be out of the drama of all of it. I guess it's still there, but I'm not. I don't want to feel like that anymore. Just like someone else said, " Something just snapped in me." Something changed. It's summer.... what I live for. I'm going to enjoy it. Not be bogged down and depressed. I refuse to.

 

I've been seeing him occasionally. I'm not doing all the mushy kissy face I miss you baby stuff. Just keeping it real. I don't wait for him anymore, ever. That feels good.

 

Here's the best part!!!!!! I went out with a girlfriend Friday night. Ran into this guy that I have known for a few years. We've always had an obvious attraction to each other, but never got together. Whenever I run into him and we are talking, there is this sexual energy between us. It's crazy! Well, he was hanging around me all night, and that same energy was there as always. We ended up doing some heavy-duty making out! OMG! It was awesome. I was actually with another man, that was different. I am not going to pursue a relationship w / him. But, I might call him sometime if I want to make out. It really changed everything. It made me realize that there are other fish in the sea, I can have fun and not have to take everything so seriously, I have choices. Everything doesn't have to mean something...........just let it be.

 

My MM is feeling me changing, I can tell..................he is worried. He knows I went out dancing, and have been having fun without him. He knows I'm not "All about HIM" anymore.

 

The way I look at is, I have giving him so many chances, and he decided to move back home. That's his problem, not mine. I wish him the best, whatever he does. If he's gonna do it with me, he better hurry, because I can feel myself letting go............slowly........ I know I have to keep moving forward.

[bentnotbroken]

Is the other guy single? And congrats on moving on.

[kellykellykelly]

Is the other guy single? And congrats on moving on.

 

 

OMG! I think so. I didn't ask. OMG!

[MrsHellnoFire]

I took everyone's advise and let him know about NC. Instead of calling him and hearing his voice, I sent him a text message. That might seem cold of me, but I just couldn't risk it. Today is day 3 of not seeing or speaking to him, and not responding to his messages. I felt so liberated after sending him this text..... now, nine hours later, I feel bad. Like my words were too mean. Wondering what he's doing now, I'm sure he is upset.

 

Me: If you want to be with me, you have to: End it with her for good. Move into a permanent residence where you can bring your kids. Set up regular visitation schedule and stick to it. Start divorce proceedings. Be committed to our relationship and make decisions together that will affect US. I have tried to be understanding and supportive. I have tried to help you and give you ideas. I even offered you a nice place to live, and you moved back home.. You always end up hurting me so everyone else can feel better, including her. I have a lot to offer you or someone and I'm not going to be treated that way anymore. I need to move forward. If you can do all those things, we can move forward together. If you can't, then it's over for good. Please don't contact me unless you are serious and can do those things that minute.

 

Of course he had to respond: Fine... By the way I moved back because YOU told me it was over! I guess you used me the other night.

 

I tried and tried not to reply to him, but I couldn't take it anymore. I'm tired of him always twisting things around. So, I text him back saying: I like how you blame me so you don't have to take responsibility. Blame me so you have a reason to stay with her. It's easier that way.

 

And I haven't heard back from him since. Was I too mean???

 

I felt like I needed to tell him all that I expected, not just file for D.

I wanted to be clear on where I stand. I don't think all those things are too much to ask from your partner. But, did I say to much to him? Does it sound mean? Because that wasn't my intention.

 

 

I think it was too much information. it should have been short and sweet. the bombardment on demands of all of the things he had to do to be with you (which most goes without saying or can be indirectly tied into a simple one-two demand sentence) was probably overwhelming for him and men like to keep it simple and take one step at a time. i also think his last comment was just trying to bait you. you need to stick firm with your NC or he knows he has YOU by your puppet strings and at this point, it should be the other way around.

[kellykellykelly]

Well my idea of having a nonchalant relationship with him has bit the dust. Or it's starting to. Somehow we got back to seeing/talking everyday. God! What's wrong with me? Everything about this 'situation' makes me sick. Especially that he moved back home. No, not that he moved back home.... that I am still dealing with him.

 

Yesterday, I was at the Mall and I saw his car parked there. I knew he had to go buy some shorts for a golf tourny. So, I parked. Then I noticed that her (W) van was parked right next to him. I'm sitting in my car in disbelief. If everything is true that he tells me about his marriage being over, she hates him, etc... why are they at the mall together AND why did she even allow him to move back home? I guess he told her they were going to work things out. Seems like everything is back to normal for them. Is she stupid? How could she take him back and just get back on track? There is no way I would take my cheating H back.

 

He called me when he was leaving the mall, he wanted to see me. He just left his Wife in the mall!!! So, I told him I was in the parking lot and I asked him if that was her van parked next to his car. He said yes and I went off on him. I drove over to where they were parked, told him what a liar he was. If their marriage was such a mess how could they be shopping together with the kids, how could she even let you move back home if things were so bad, blah blah.....

 

Then later we were talking on the phone and I just lost it, I was crying and begging him to just move in with me. He said he has to get a divorce first like I said. I said, " If you are working things out with her, please just tell me, don't string me along." He swears he's not.

 

I went out with an old boyfriend for a friendly dinner last night then met a girlfriend for a couple drinks. When I got home MM was at my house. He just got back from the golf outing, wanted to come in and take a shower. I said ok. He did. We ended up sleeping together of course and then actually slept for about 45 min., then he left. Now it's the next morning and this sux. I called him but he hasn't answered, his phone is shut off because he is at home.

 

I just can't get over the fact that he moved out and we were able to be together freely.... spend the night, etc... I could go to his place... Now, he has to go home, and not to late, because he is married. He has to turn his phone off, so he can't talk to me.

 

I feel like such an idiot.

 

I just text him to come over. If he does I'm going to beat the crap out of him. Seriously, that's how mad I am about EVERYTHING. He hasn't replied to my text so I just sent him another one saying, "OK. I'm coming over to your place." (Their place)

 

I'm mad at myself for getting back caught up in this too. I feel sick to my stomach and feel like a loser.

[26point2]

Well my idea of having a nonchalant relationship with him has bit the dust. Or it's starting to. Somehow we got back to seeing/talking everyday. God! What's wrong with me? Everything about this 'situation' makes me sick. Especially that he moved back home. No, not that he moved back home.... that I am still dealing with him.

 

Yesterday, I was at the Mall and I saw his car parked there. I knew he had to go buy some shorts for a golf tourny. So, I parked. Then I noticed that her (W) van was parked right next to him. I'm sitting in my car in disbelief. If everything is true that he tells me about his marriage being over, she hates him, etc... why are they at the mall together AND why did she even allow him to move back home? I guess he told her they were going to work things out. Seems like everything is back to normal for them. Is she stupid? How could she take him back and just get back on track? There is no way I would take my cheating H back.

 

He called me when he was leaving the mall, he wanted to see me. He just left his Wife in the mall!!! So, I told him I was in the parking lot and I asked him if that was her van parked next to his car. He said yes and I went off on him. I drove over to where they were parked, told him what a liar he was. If their marriage was such a mess how could they be shopping together with the kids, how could she even let you move back home if things were so bad, blah blah.....

 

Then later we were talking on the phone and I just lost it, I was crying and begging him to just move in with me. He said he has to get a divorce first like I said. I said, " If you are working things out with her, please just tell me, don't string me along." He swears he's not.

 

I went out with an old boyfriend for a friendly dinner last night then met a girlfriend for a couple drinks. When I got home MM was at my house. He just got back from the golf outing, wanted to come in and take a shower. I said ok. He did. We ended up sleeping together of course and then actually slept for about 45 min., then he left. Now it's the next morning and this sux. I called him but he hasn't answered, his phone is shut off because he is at home.

 

I just can't get over the fact that he moved out and we were able to be together freely.... spend the night, etc... I could go to his place... Now, he has to go home, and not to late, because he is married. He has to turn his phone off, so he can't talk to me.

 

I feel like such an idiot.

 

I just text him to come over. If he does I'm going to beat the crap out of him. Seriously, that's how mad I am about EVERYTHING. He hasn't replied to my text so I just sent him another one saying, "OK. I'm coming over to your place." (Their place)

 

I'm mad at myself for getting back caught up in this too. I feel sick to my stomach and feel like a loser.

 

OMG girl you have got to get out of this. You're a smart girl. You're realizing that things aren't as he's been telling you. He's been lying to you about the state of his marriage and stringing you along. You know this and yet you still beg him to come live with you, you still sleep with him. After he was at the mall with his wife you let him come over and sleep with you, yet you say you could never take your husband back after he cheated on you? Something isn't adding up, I wish you could look at this more objectively.

 

Look I understand your feelings. I do. I ruined the last year and a half of my life trying to be with my MM. But you have to get stronger. Let's do it together. You sound like a very sweet, intelligent girl, why do you want to be with this loser? Don't let him make you this miserable and make you feel like a loser. Is he really worth it? Please, let's talk together instead of you talking to him. !!! Tell yourself you deserve better and you are not going to give him one more minute of your time.

[luvmy2ns]

Then end this BS that is nothing more than feeding this liar exactly what he wants. His cake and eat it too. You KNOW that's what he's doing. And you're not woman enough to tell him to take a hike? I suspect you are.

[26point2]

Then end this BS that is nothing more than feeding this liar exactly what he wants. His cake and eat it too. You KNOW that's what he's doing. And you're not woman enough to tell him to take a hike? I suspect you are.

 

I agree! This is perfect advice from luvmy2ns. I hope you listen to it. I'm listening to it.

[bentnotbroken]

Well my idea of having a nonchalant relationship with him has bit the dust. Or it's starting to. Somehow we got back to seeing/talking everyday. God! What's wrong with me? Everything about this 'situation' makes me sick. Especially that he moved back home. No, not that he moved back home.... that I am still dealing with him.

 

Yesterday, I was at the Mall and I saw his car parked there. I knew he had to go buy some shorts for a golf tourny. So, I parked. Then I noticed that her (W) van was parked right next to him. I'm sitting in my car in disbelief. If everything is true that he tells me about his marriage being over, she hates him, etc... why are they at the mall together AND why did she even allow him to move back home? I guess he told her they were going to work things out. Seems like everything is back to normal for them. Is she stupid? How could she take him back and just get back on track? There is no way I would take my cheating H back.

 

He called me when he was leaving the mall, he wanted to see me. He just left his Wife in the mall!!! So, I told him I was in the parking lot and I asked him if that was her van parked next to his car. He said yes and I went off on him. I drove over to where they were parked, told him what a liar he was. If their marriage was such a mess how could they be shopping together with the kids, how could she even let you move back home if things were so bad, blah blah.....

 

Then later we were talking on the phone and I just lost it, I was crying and begging him to just move in with me. He said he has to get a divorce first like I said. I said, " If you are working things out with her, please just tell me, don't string me along." He swears he's not.

 

I went out with an old boyfriend for a friendly dinner last night then met a girlfriend for a couple drinks. When I got home MM was at my house. He just got back from the golf outing, wanted to come in and take a shower. I said ok. He did. We ended up sleeping together of course and then actually slept for about 45 min., then he left. Now it's the next morning and this sux. I called him but he hasn't answered, his phone is shut off because he is at home.

 

I just can't get over the fact that he moved out and we were able to be together freely.... spend the night, etc... I could go to his place... Now, he has to go home, and not to late, because he is married. He has to turn his phone off, so he can't talk to me.

 

I feel like such an idiot.

 

I just text him to come over. If he does I'm going to beat the crap out of him. Seriously, that's how mad I am about EVERYTHING. He hasn't replied to my text so I just sent him another one saying, "OK. I'm coming over to your place." (Their place)

 

I'm mad at myself for getting back caught up in this too. I feel sick to my stomach and feel like a loser.

 

 

 

First of all calling his W stupid for taking him back is kind of hypocritical on your part. You did the same thing by letting him in and having sex with him, after you knew he was with his wife. She is married to him and apparently is willing to work on their issues. Some BS actually do this, I am not one of them, but there are many. Then you let him in to your home! You called her actions stupid, what do you call your action? Then you had sex with him, gave him what he wanted. NOT a smart move.

 

So you have decided you want to beat him up for your decision to let him in an have sex with him. How is that his fault? You made the choice. You mad the choice to text him this morining, you made the choice to text him a second time. You need to decide if this is what you want(and it shouldn't be)and then stop whining when he does what a lying cheat does. Or you could move on with your life, and enjoy the blessings that God has for only you. What's it going to be.

[kellykellykelly]

OMG girl you have got to get out of this. You're a smart girl. You're realizing that things aren't as he's been telling you. He's been lying to you about the state of his marriage and stringing you along. You know this and yet you still beg him to come live with you, you still sleep with him. After he was at the mall with his wife you let him come over and sleep with you, yet you say you could never take your husband back after he cheated on you? Something isn't adding up, I wish you could look at this more objectively.

 

Look I understand your feelings. I do. I ruined the last year and a half of my life trying to be with my MM. But you have to get stronger. Let's do it together. You sound like a very sweet, intelligent girl, why do you want to be with this loser? Don't let him make you this miserable and make you feel like a loser. Is he really worth it? Please, let's talk together instead of you talking to him. !!! Tell yourself you deserve better and you are not going to give him one more minute of your time.

 

 

I know I know I know I know. God! I feel so irate and anxious and suspicious and angry right now. I know I am acting desperate and I don't like it. It's really not how I am. Not in any other area of my life. These past few weeks I have been keeping my distance from him but not total NC, and I felt good. It was liberating. He was the one who was worrying for a change. I know what I need to do, but it's so hard to let go forever.

[kellykellykelly]

Then end this BS that is nothing more than feeding this liar exactly what he wants. His cake and eat it too. You KNOW that's what he's doing. And you're not woman enough to tell him to take a hike? I suspect you are.

 

For the longest time I refused to believe that he was lying. He was just doing the best he could until he could move out. Now that he moved out and then back in, he still says he's gonna move out again and divorce. I know it sounds foolish to believe him, but I'm not a liar, and it's hard for me to believe or understand how someone could lie so much. I'm starting to believe (finally) that he is telling her hopeful things (why else would she stay) and telling me hopeful things (why else would I stay) It's so f'd up and disgusting, isn't it?

To think of all the hurt and pain her and I have both been going through. I just want to punch him in the face.

[luvmy2ns]

I just want to punch him in the face.

 

Now THERE'S that strong gal I was talking about! Keep holdin' onto that thought honey. You'll get over the lying liar soon enough. Just make plans with friends. Keep busy. Take care of you and your house and have fun. I know it hurts now, but you will be free soon, and freedom feels sooooo good!!!

[kellykellykelly]

First of all calling his W stupid for taking him back is kind of hypocritical on your part. You did the same thing by letting him in and having sex with him, after you knew he was with his wife. She is married to him and apparently is willing to work on their issues. Some BS actually do this, I am not one of them, but there are many. Then you let him in to your home! You called her actions stupid, what do you call your action? Then you had sex with him, gave him what he wanted. NOT a smart move.

 

So you have decided you want to beat him up for your decision to let him in an have sex with him. How is that his fault? You made the choice. You mad the choice to text him this morining, you made the choice to text him a second time. You need to decide if this is what you want(and it shouldn't be)and then stop whining when he does what a lying cheat does. Or you could move on with your life, and enjoy the blessings that God has for only you. What's it going to be.

 

My actions are stupid. I knew they were at the time too..... last night. It was the first time though, that I wasn't into the sex. I let him in my house thinking... this is so messed up, what am I doing? Yet, I just went along with it, I can't explain why. I wasn't into it because in my head I was thinking about them at the mall together, things are better then he leads me to believe, and they are probably having sex! How can I let that nasty penis near me? Ugh! Makes me sick to think about now. But, I did. I almost made myself, because my other brain was thinking........... this will be the last time. Lord, help me. Seriously, I know I have issues with this guy.

 

I know it's on me, I decided to let him in, I decided to have sex, I decided to text him twice. He has told me that if I can't deal with this and can't see him until his divorce, he understands. Yet, I keep putting myself in front of him. I keep the game going as much as he does. It's so f'd up.

[kellykellykelly]

Now THERE'S that strong gal I was talking about! Keep holdin' onto that thought honey. You'll get over the lying liar soon enough. Just make plans with friends. Keep busy. Take care of you and your house and have fun. I know it hurts now, but you will be free soon, and freedom feels sooooo good!!!

 

Thanks for the support. Really, I need this forum. Even though this is still happening, I feel better then I used to. I've had a taste of being away from all that drama for a few weeks. I really have been taking care of me, etc... I know what you mean about that. Maybe I needed to get back into it to see how sick and twisted it is.

 

I'm so sick of thinking about all this.

[nadiaj2727]

I know I know I know I know. God! I feel so irate and anxious and suspicious and angry right now. I know I am acting desperate and I don't like it. It's really not how I am. Not in any other area of my life. These past few weeks I have been keeping my distance from him but not total NC, and I felt good. It was liberating. He was the one who was worrying for a change. I know what I need to do, but it's so hard to let go forever.

 

Hello. Why do you think you are changing yourself into this desperate person (your words of course) that you didn't used to be, for this man? What does he offer you that you don't have or that you're not giving yourself?

 

I was there at one point. I knew xMM was lying to me and telling me one thing and his wife another, I realized that what we were both doing was wrong, I felt guilty and used and foolish, yet I let it continue for some time. I think sometimes that hitting-rock-bottom stage is necessary. At least it was for me. I remember very clearly looking into the mirror above my dresser and thinking, "who is this woman?" I was disgusted with myself for being with someone who was doing such disgusting things, and, like it sounds like you may be alluding to in your latest posts, I no longer even wanted to be with him, it was just some crazy unhealthy obsession or momentum. It was a desperation to get what I thought I wanted even though I no longer wanted it. I still see it on here all the time, people justifying staying with a man they know is a liar and a cheater, because they don't want to admit they had bad judgment. Honey this kind of desperation is not love, it's not happiness. Just let it go. Admit that you picked the wrong man, and that next time you will have better discernment. Today can be a blank slate if you are willing to move on from your past decisions and start making different ones. BNB is so right that these are all YOUR choices, you really have no one to be mad at but yourself. Maybe that's why you feel so much anger towards MM. Use that anger to propel yourself to make a change.

 

You have gotten some good advice and I hope you decide to take it. I just wanted to add that you are on the right track because you have realized that the problem isn't just your MM and his lying and duplicity and stringing you along. The problem is something within you as well, to keep allowing him to treat you that way. You are wise to realize that you deserve better. Now you have to realize that you are in charge of making sure you get what you deserve. If you stay with MM you are saying you are not worth what you know you deserve. Keep examining your motives for wanting to draw this thing out and ask yourself if you are acting like you love yourself. Would you want your best friend or sister or other loved one to be treated like MM is treating you AND like you are treating yourself?

[kellykellykelly]

I'm asking your advice everybody. I'm pretty sure your all gonna tell me to just leave it alone, but....... and all along I have never had these urges, ever, but today.... right now..... I want to have him over and proceed to physically assault him. I know it sounds crazy. (maybe not)

 

I am not frantic right now, I'm not a total mess, crying, sobbing, out of my mind. Actually I am getting ready to go get groceries. But, I feel so angry at him, so deserted, used. I'm pissed!!!!! I would love to get my hands on him. Yell and scream and tell him what a scumbag he is, liar, cheater, how can you sleep at night? Really let him have it. I've never done that before. I want to hurt him. Threaten to mail pictures to his house. Scare him. Push him, punch him, spit in his face.

 

What do you think? Can I? please! Seriously.

 

He deserves to have the sh*# knocked out of him. He has really hurt me, strung me along, lied, put me through all this and continues to. Does he think I am stupid? he must. Who does he think he is?!!

 

Someone, please give me permission. I'm not kidding here. Come on ladies! and gentlemen.

[kellykellykelly]

Hello. Why do you think you are changing yourself into this desperate person (your words of course) that you didn't used to be, for this man? What does he offer you that you don't have or that you're not giving yourself?

 

A couple of weeks ago I wrote down on paper what I'm looking for in a partner..... honesty, respect, commitment, stability, someone I can count on. Doesn't seem like to much to ask or expect, right? I have none of those things with him. So, I need to accept that. It's just hard right this minute, because I'm angry.

[nadiaj2727]

I'm asking your advice everybody. I'm pretty sure your all gonna tell me to just leave it alone, but....... and all along I have never had these urges, ever, but today.... right now..... I want to have him over and proceed to physically assault him. I know it sounds crazy. (maybe not)

 

I am not frantic right now, I'm not a total mess, crying, sobbing, out of my mind. Actually I am getting ready to go get groceries. But, I feel so angry at him, so deserted, used. I'm pissed!!!!! I would love to get my hands on him. Yell and scream and tell him what a scumbag he is, liar, cheater, how can you sleep at night? Really let him have it. I've never done that before. I want to hurt him. Threaten to mail pictures to his house. Scare him. Push him, punch him, spit in his face.

 

What do you think? Can I? please! Seriously.

 

He deserves to have the sh*# knocked out of him. He has really hurt me, strung me along, lied, put me through all this and continues to. Does he think I am stupid? he must. Who does he think he is?!!

 

Someone, please give me permission. I'm not kidding here. Come on ladies! and gentlemen.

 

I don't know if this post is serious but you say it is. If so, then you haven't been listening at all. YOU are the person you should be angry at. You're never going to grow, get past this and get happy if you keep blaming him. No one can do anything to you without your consent. (Well, in a mutually consensual relationship such as this).

 

You were a willing party to everything he did to you. So why are you only so mad at him? You put yourself in this position. I reread your thread because I don't keep up with LS that much anymore. (There is life after being an OW, believe it or not ) You came here with a dilemma and asked people for help, all but probably like one or two people who are the most coddling and spoonful-of-hopers, told you to end it with him, that this situation is not good for you. So you had full knowledge of what you were getting yourself into. Then you come back and say, I'm in a happy place, I like talking to him. Okay. Then you come back and say, I'm in a sad place, I've realized he's lying to me. Do you see a pattern here? Your mood is totally dependent on what HE's doing and how you're feeling about HIM. You can't let your life revolve around him.

 

Look, only YOU can control your own happiness. I think that's the part you're not understanding. Stay away from him and sooner or later you will start working your way out of this. Look within. If you keep looking to him or anyone else outside of you, you will be stuck emotionally.

[nadiaj2727]

A couple of weeks ago I wrote down on paper what I'm looking for in a partner..... honesty, respect, commitment, stability, someone I can count on. Doesn't seem like to much to ask or expect, right? I have none of those things with him. So, I need to accept that. It's just hard right this minute, because I'm angry.

 

And I just read where you put God on a list. I don't even believe in God but seriously, do you think this is the kind of life God wants for you? Life is what you make of it, and if you believe in God then you must believe that you can't get to a good place by doing a bad thing. This man has decided to go back home and be with his wife. That is all you know objectively. So leave him alone.

 

And even if you look at it from a less selfless standpoint, you said yourself that you don't have anything you want in a relationship in this relationship with him. Well no offense but that's because he's married. There was an article in Glamour about the other woman (it was pretty cliche and dumb) and I keep remembering a quote from it that I wholeheartedly agree with: "Every woman deserves to be loved exclusively." Do you believe that too? Then leave this man alone because his wife deserves to be loved exclusively and you deserve to be loved exclusively and he isn't loving either one of you exclusively. You can guess who I think is the only person he's loving exclusively...

 

I understand it's hard to accept, and it's good that you have realized it and you can start the process of accepting it. Look at it this way: you realized you can do way better than him. So don't hang around waiting for someone you know you are better off without.

[kellykellykelly]

I was disgusted with myself for being with someone who was doing such disgusting things, and, like it sounds like you may be alluding to in your latest posts, I no longer even wanted to be with him, it was just some crazy unhealthy obsession or momentum. It was a desperation to get what I thought I wanted even though I no longer wanted it. I still see it on here all the time, people justifying staying with a man they know is a liar and a cheater, because they don't want to admit they had bad judgment. Honey this kind of desperation is not love, it's not happiness. Just let it go. Admit that you picked the wrong man, and that next time you will have better discernment. Today can be a blank slate if you are willing to move on from your past decisions and start making different ones. BNB is so right that these are all YOUR choices, you really have no one to be mad at but yourself. Maybe that's why you feel so much anger towards MM. Use that anger to propel yourself to make a change.

 

 

I no longer even wanted to be with him, it was just some crazy unhealthy obsession or momentum. It was a desperation to get what I thought I wanted even though I no longer wanted it.

This is how I feel right now. I'm not making up excuses for him anymore, I'm just perplexed at how I am still in this, when it disgusts me. Why I keep putting myself in it. Momentum..... I believe it.

 

I know I can start right this minute. Or stop right this minute. Do things different. But before I do, I really want to give him a piece of my mind.