OWoman Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I'm not certain about MM being a prize, but to someone in constant search of validation, a MM is the pinnacle of ego boosts. It doesn't get much higher than "Oooo, I'm so desirable I can even lure a man to betray his marriage." Such was my lame-xss menality, anyway. I'm sure you do get some OW who seek validation through their Rs, just like you get some SW and some MW who seek validation through their Rs. But for the rest of us, that's like hearing about someone's drinking problem or their inability to fall pregnant. You can sympathise, or maybe find it interesting for five minutes over coffee, but it's as relevant as the weather in China. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Seriously, that was your mentality? I'm asking cause I really want to know... Yes, I am not kidding. I will also say that a lot of the things that went through my mind are verbatim what I read on here. "I'm not the one who made the vows", "People aren't meant to be with one person forever", "I don't believe in marriage", "You can't help who you fall in love with", "You can meet the right person at the wrong time", etc., etc. Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 What many OW don't get is that a cheating man will cheat with any woman that is halfway presentable but he feeds them all these lines that make them feel they are the most special woman on earth. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I'm sure you do get some OW who seek validation through their Rs, just like you get some SW and some MW who seek validation through their Rs. But for the rest of us, that's like hearing about someone's drinking problem or their inability to fall pregnant. You can sympathise, or maybe find it interesting for five minutes over coffee, but it's as relevant as the weather in China. If I didn't know any better, I would think you were suggesting that the vast majority of OW aren't seeking some sort of validation. Well, all I will say is this... there are a lot of things that are impossible, and I mean impossible, to see, except for in 20/20 hindsight. And I don't mean this in an offensive way, but for someone to knowingly get involved with a married person... there's something there in their subconscious behind it. You don't have to agree with me, I am content enough knowing probably any mental health therapist would say it's true. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Yes, I am not kidding. I will also say that a lot of the things that went through my mind are verbatim what I read on here. "I'm not the one who made the vows", "People aren't meant to be with one person forever", "I don't believe in marriage", "You can't help who you fall in love with", "You can meet the right person at the wrong time", etc., etc. Oh okay. People are different, I guess. As for the above, didn't say anything like that at all. Must be cause of how I dealt with my situation. I haven't been reading up much on here so I don't really know your story but it seems as if you have made up your mind - good for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 What many OW don't get is that a cheating man will cheat with any woman that is halfway presentable but he feeds them all these lines that make them feel they are the most special woman on earth. Yes, that's the thing... Because the involvement with a MM is all about ME, his desire to get involved with me must be about... ME! So it's impossible to see it for what it is, that he is someone who is cheating and betraying his family day after day. If it wasn't me, it undoubtedly would have been anyway. And despite the fact that I got the line of "I've never cheated on my wife before", in retrospect, I don't believe it for one second, and can see the instances where he tripped up and suggested otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Oh okay. People are different, I guess. As for the above, didn't say anything like that at all. Must be cause of how I dealt with my situation. I haven't been reading up much on here so I don't really know your story but it seems as if you have made up your mind - good for you! No, I am sure not every single person goes through the classic script, but it sure does seem to be common anyway. And yes my situation was over long ago... definitely learned a lesson from it! Various, come to think of it! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Yes, that's the thing... Because the involvement with a MM is all about ME, his desire to get involved with me must be about... ME! So it's impossible to see it for what it is, that he is someone who is cheating and betraying his family day after day. If it wasn't me, it undoubtedly would have been anyway. And despite the fact that I got the line of "I've never cheated on my wife before", in retrospect, I don't believe it for one second, and can see the instances where he tripped up and suggested otherwise. And if you were there another woman would have taken your place. Men like that will say anything to get in a woman's pants. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 And if you were there another woman would have taken your place. Men like that will say anything to get in a woman's pants. I don't doubt it at all, in fact I remember I used to think to myself that I was certain if I wound up with him, he would cheat on me with his now XW. Here's a nasty little anecdote: one time we were lying in bed together and he related to me that every time he has run into an old girlfriend, they wound up having sex. Since I knew he'd been married for 12 years, I was kind of surprised. "Really? Now?" I asked. He looked at me as if I had three heads and said incredulously, "No, I'm mah-reeeeed!" :lmao: I swear... :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
OldEurope Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Woggie, What are you doing here flirtin' with the gals? Shouldn't you be taking your long-suffering wife for a weekend in Paris or Monte Carlo by now? The poor dear, married to New Jersey's numero uno marriage paranoiac... xoxo OE Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Woggie, What are you doing here flirtin' with the gals? Shouldn't you be taking your long-suffering wife for a weekend in Paris or Monte Carlo by now? The poor dear, married to New Jersey's numero uno marriage paranoiac... xoxo OE I am passing the time at work because I work too fast but at night I spend time with my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
Lyssa Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Not that it's wrong but of all the places, you waste your time on OW/OM board! Hey but whatever floats your boat! Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Not that it's wrong but of all the places, you waste your time on OW/OM board! Hey but whatever floats your boat! I just click on the New Posts link and post in whatever I find interesting. Most of the time I don't even notice what forum it is. Link to post Share on other sites
jj2007 Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Some do. Just like some As. My R with MM involved NO LIES between us. Lies between MM and his W characterised their M from the start, on the other hand, so ours has a far better chance of succeeding than theirs, based on your argument. You are right, but the "some" that do should not have gotten married in the first place. It would make me think twice about being with someone who could stand up and take those vows by their own free will and not care enough to commit to them from the very beginning. Why would a person like that even want to get married anyway if they were lying from the start? No one can force anyone to get married so what is the point if they are not going to give their all especially from the get go? No healthy relationship can start out with lies IMO. I am also a firm believer that the only two people that really know what goes on in a marriage, are the two in that marriage. Anything else is just "he said/she said" IMO. How do you know for sure that your MM doesn't lie to you? If you have any extra lie detectors around I would love to borrow one! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Well in my case, my R with an MM wasn't based on cheating by either of us, but I find myself in the same scenario as an OW after an A has ended. So it's not the 'cheating' aspect that would poison the well, you just worry about time passing and things and feelings changing, especially when there's NC. He was the one I talked to every day and discussed everything with and now I have no-one to discuss it with, which sucks. He went back to his 'old life' and I'm trying to move on with mine without him in it and it hurts. Link to post Share on other sites
OWoman Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Why would a person like that even want to get married anyway if they were lying from the start? My MM's W lied from the outset. He put up with it for as long as he could, and now he's left the M. Why did his W want to get M in the beginning then? I can hazard a guess or twenty, but I'm not a forensic psychiatrist! Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 OW what is that animal in your avatar ? Kinda looks like maybe a tree kangaroo? wallaby ? Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Funny how "false hope" is something everyone gets really upset about, but "false doom & gloom" is perfectly OK. I haven't seen much false doom and gloom around here. I've seen some realistic, practicial advice, and a whole bunch of false hope offered to people by a certain few, just because it worked out for them or they think it's going to work out for them. As long as you're happy, I saw good for you (the general "you"). But when I read unhappy posts from OW stuck in dead-end affairs with MMs, I'm not about to offer them false hope because they don't sound the least bit happy. Even the so-called "happy" OWs have posts filled with so much drama. I'm beginning to think that being the OP means filling one's life with drama drama drama, and ups and downs, sometimes for years. No thanks. I'll just read about it and be glad it's no longer me. I also think that if those of you who defend OWs and act like they're doing the right thing ever get cheated on by the love of your life, with whom you're in a committed monogamous relationship -- or so you thought-- your perspective might change dramatically. I am definitely not wishing that on anyone, I'm just saying, if you felt empathy towards others and tried to stand in their shoes, you wouldn't be offering much "hope" -- false or otherwise-- to women who are sleeping with other women's husbands. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 My MM's W lied from the outset. He put up with it for as long as he could, and now he's left the M. Why did his W want to get M in the beginning then? I can hazard a guess or twenty, but I'm not a forensic psychiatrist! Well he picked her and he married her, it's not like she put a gun to his head. I never get why you blame everything on his wife, you sound like his parrot. Come on, no one is totally blameless, it always takes two to tango. Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 IEven the so-called "happy" OWs have posts filled with so much drama. I'm beginning to think that being the OP means filling one's life with drama drama drama, and ups and downs, sometimes for years. No thanks. I'll just read about it and be glad it's no longer me. Big time. Mine only lasted 5 months, but the anxiety and drama was a living hell. I also think that if those of you who defend OWs and act like they're doing the right thing ever get cheated on by the love of your life, with whom you're in a committed monogamous relationship -- or so you thought-- your perspective might change dramatically. Oh yes. Yes it will. Unless you really are one of those people who doesn't believe it monogamy, it is quite the kick in the face. I am definitely not wishing that on anyone, I'm just saying, if you felt empathy towards others and tried to stand in their shoes, you wouldn't be offering much "hope" -- false or otherwise-- to women who are sleeping with other women's husbands. I find it a bit shocking to find that some people, knowing the pain of betrayal, do actually later turn around and become an AP. I think it may be some sort of "revenge" thing in the subconscious, but I'm not too sure. I'll leave that one to be explained by the Ph.D.'s! Link to post Share on other sites
Cinabon Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 If its meant to be....Its meant to be. You cant stop it. You cant run from it. Enjoy. GEL....... XOXO Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 Oh yes. Yes it will. Unless you really are one of those people who doesn't believe it monogamy, it is quite the kick in the face. I think they say they don't believe in monogamy until it suits them (say, under the guise of financial reasons or insurance reasons or ahem Visa reasons... or, god forbid they fall in love and want to share their life exclusively with one person!). Then, magically, they're huge believers in monogamy, even if they try not to be. There is no way you can convince me that someone that truly loves someone is *okay* with them sleeping with someone else. Either they don't really love that person, or they're lying to everyone including themselves. We are human, it is our nature to not want the person we love to be with someone else (even though it's also unfortunately in our nature to sometimes want to be with someone else even thought we're in love.) Link to post Share on other sites
Jess-Belle Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 I think they say they don't believe in monogamy until it suits them (say, under the guise of financial reasons or insurance reasons or ahem Visa reasons... or, god forbid they fall in love and want to share their life exclusively with one person!). Then, magically, they're huge believers in monogamy, even if they try not to be. There is no way you can convince me that someone that truly loves someone is *okay* with them sleeping with someone else. Either they don't really love that person, or they're lying to everyone including themselves. We are human, it is our nature to not want the person we love to be with someone else (even though it's also unfortunately in our nature to sometimes want to be with someone else even thought we're in love.) Well, I believe there's everything under the sun out there. I've read about some seriously odd stuff. So do I believe there are really people out there who don't believe in monogamy and aren't bothered by the idea of polyamory? Sure, I do. I'm not going to hazard a guess as to what or why they have this alternate version of love and relationships, but I believe it does exist and I have to respect their desire to be that way (so long as they're, you know, um, not actually imposing their lifestyle on some unsuspecting spouse). But, yes, the "I don't believe in monogamy" is one of the classic AP "lines". I even reached that stage at one point. Last evening my therapist told me he hears it all the time with respect to these issues. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted March 4, 2008 Share Posted March 4, 2008 But, yes, the "I don't believe in monogamy" is one of the classic AP "lines". I even reached that stage at one point. Last evening my therapist told me he hears it all the time with respect to these issues. This made me chuckle. And think of a little classic thing with respect to "these issues" LOL. There's a word for that stage. Its called: DENIAL. It almost always comes across like some teenager flipping her ponytail while chewing gum with her hand on her hip being defiant (knowing she is wrong by the way) and saying.... "Well, I....I...I don't believe in that...anyways." Shame really. Link to post Share on other sites
twice_shy Posted March 5, 2008 Share Posted March 5, 2008 Yep you won your prize. Good luck with that. yep, she was victorious over the betrayed wife! job well done. Link to post Share on other sites
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